being nice is not enough - barefoot coaching ltd · 2017-01-24 · slide10 twitter: @jennyrogers10....

NOVEMBER 2016

BAREFOOT COACHING WINTER CONFERENCE

Being Nice is Not EnoughTen coaching situations where challenge could be the

answer

Presenter: Jenny Rogers

Slide1www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10

High levels of liking between you and the client

High levels of trust on both sides

Authentic concern for the client

Humour and playfulness

Willingness to challenge

No ego on your part: you are as undefended as you expect your client

to be

Confidence: knowing how to blend challenge with support

CONDITIONS THAT MUST BE IN PLACE TO

CHALLENGE YOUR CLIENT


Different from what friends and family can provide – and not a replacement for these relationships

It’s rare to talk to another human being who really listens

It’s rare to be heard without judgement

It’s unusual to comment on the immediate behaviour of another person without the wish to control or curry favour

Both coach and client can walk away from the relationship

COACHING IS AN UNUSUAL KIND OF

CONVERSATION


UNDERSTANDING THE NEED TO BALANCE SUPPORT

WITH CHALLENGE


Challenge High High challenge low support

Client is undermined,

indignant and defensive;

coaching likely to end

prematurely

High challenge, high support

Client trusts and likes coach;

can learn even when

uncomfortable. Relationship

capable of being long and

productive

Low challenge, low support

Low impact coaching, just a

nice chat; coaching likely to

peter out

High support, low challenge

Coach colludes with client;

client misses opportunities to

learn. Longer term, coaching

unlikely to be sustainable

Support Low HIgh

WHY CHALLENGE MAY BE NEEDED

Amazingly, human beings are not perfect; we make mistakes

People close to us may collude or attack

We defend ourselves: it doesn’t feel safe to be vulnerable

We blame others or assume guilt unnecessarily

We feel shame

We side-track, lure people away from the issue with red herrings

We succumb to faulty thinking

Perspective narrows under stress

Healthy growth comes from self awareness, courage and humilitySlide5

www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10

Nick: Hospital Chief Executive

1. CLIENT HAS A TROUBLED RELATIONSHIP

Could be with peer, partner, boss – or the whole organization

Coach’s underlying assumption: we are always part of the problem, even if all we have done is ‘nothing’

Coach’s challenge 1Ask: ‘What’s your own responsibility for what has happened/what is going on?’


The relationship really mattersThe client has already tried all the obvious solutions

Challenge Try some version of ‘the empty chair’:

The simplest version is: ‘Let’s both stand up for a moment. Sit in my chair and imagine you are the other person looking at you in that empty chair. How do you feel? What do you see?

Or even just

‘If you were in their shoes, how would you feel?’

2. CLIENT HAS A RELATIONSHIP CRISIS


Nick: Hospital Chief Executive

3. THE CLIENT IS UNAWARE OF SOME ASPECT OF THEIR BEHAVIOUR

Examples

Compulsive talker/interrupter

Seems intimidating

Lacks assertiveness with you/compulsive apologizer

Overwhelms with detail/never gives detail

Arrives late/cancels at short notice/seems unmotivated

Denies the problems they cause with others

Solution: feedback: the single most underused coaching technique Slide8www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10

CRITICISM AND FEEDBACK: THE DIFFERENCES

CRITICISM FEEDBACK

Given in anger Given when calm

For benefit of giver: to punish For benefit of receiver: to develop

Wild generalisations; opinions Specific; factual

Evaluative Descriptive

About the whole person About specific behaviour

Says ‘we’ or ‘people’ Says ‘I’

One way Two way

No help or support with follow-up action Agreeing action and support is part of the process


1. Face up to your reluctance; check on your motive

2. Ask permission: ‘May I offer you some feedback?’

3. ‘What I noticed….’ Describe: facts, observation, behaviour

1. or

4. ‘I sensed….’ NB no judgements

5. ‘The impact on me was….’

6. ‘And I’m wondering…’

7. Ask other person for their view

8. Coach around what emerges

HOW TO GIVE CLIENTS FEEDBACK: 7 vital steps


The client is unusually animated

- or unusually silent

- or suddenly looks tired

You feel tired, bored, irritated, animated, engaged

The client seems disengaged or unhappy

Coach’s challenge: offer feedback in the here and now

Ask what’s going on for the client

Say what’s going on for you and what you notice in the client and in

yourself

4. SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT IN THE

CONVERSATION


It has a ‘round and round’ feel

You notice that you feel anxious

The word ‘I’ is intruding more and more into your own words

You feel an overwhelming need to find a solution for the client and to

press your advice on to him or her

Coach’s challenge: tackle it

Ask what’s going on for the client

Say what’s going on for you

Most likely cause: you are working on the wrong goal

5. SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY WRONG IN THE

CONVERSATION


Shrugs shoulders, ‘I don’t know: you tell me’

‘Sent’ by someone else?

Client’s agenda items are all about changing someone or something else,

about what is ‘out there’ not what is ‘in here’

Coach’s challenge: coaching is about personal change, so if in

client’s view nothing needs to change in their own behavior, then

coaching can’t happen

Double check what is going on in client’s life, eg since you last saw them

Give them a moment to review and reflect

If there’s still no agenda then wish them well and say goodbye’

6. THE CLIENT DOESN’T HAVE AN AGENDA


Coach’s challenge: do 3-way contracting where you encourage boss

and client to be frank

Run a bespoke 360 exercise for the client where you interview his or

her colleagues and write a tactful but no-holds barred report

7. BOSS THINKS CLIENT NEEDS COACHING,

CLIENT IS BAFFLED


8. THE CLIENT HAS MADE A SERIOUS

MISTAKE

Examples

Failed to act on a whistleblower’s information

Gave a disastrous presentation

Bullied a colleague

Failed to check out an important process

Inadvertently caused a serious accident or incident

What NOT to do

Collude: ‘it wasn’t your fault’

Trivialize: ‘We all make mistakes’Slide15

www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10

WHEN THE CLIENT HAS MADE A SERIOUS

MISTAKE

In your own mind distinguish between: regret, shame, guilt and remorse: They are all different – and help the client to differentiate them

Deconstruct what actually happened

Agree that the mistake was serious – if it was, or challenge over-emphasis on the ‘mistake’ if it wasn’t as serious as the client believes

Distinguish between the person and the behaviour

Reassure that one mistake does not define us for ever

Offer a self-forgiveness protocol

Encourage client to keep a ‘forgiveness diary’


Examples

Everything is black or white: no shades of grey

Profound pessimism: if bad things can happen, they can happen to me

Health anxiety

Helplessness

Always someone else’s fault

Everything should be perfect

Coach’s challenge: offer feedback on what you have observed

Ask for client’s response

9. THE CLIENT DEMONSTRATES FLAWED

THINKING PATTERNS


Examples

Health: ignoring an obvious symptom

Legal: about to so something which is against the law

Is unaware of facts which could endanger themselves or others

Proposed actions may imperil an important relationship

After exploring, checking for understanding, looking at upsides and

downsides etc with the client, it may be essential to offer them plain

speaking/advice

10. THE CLIENT IS AT RISK IN SOME WAY


There are legal or medical issues with clear right/wrong answers

It’s a crisis and needs rapid action

You have a duty of care: there is physical or moral danger

The client cannot make their own decisions

You are offering facts not opinions

The subject is complex and bewildering: you have genuine expertise

Giving advice is unlikely to create dependency

Your own motivation is entirely positive

WHEN IT’S ESSENTIAL TO OFFER ADVICE


Coach’s challenge: offer straightforward information and advice

Stress your concern for the client

Follow this by stressing the client’s autonomy - and encouraging disagreement

THE CLIENT IS AT RISK contd/


Examples

Drinking at work; severe addiction problems of other sorts

Suicidal ideation

Mental health problems

Coach’s challenge: Rapport ; question to understand; summarise and explore

Offer feedback including your own concerns and feelings

Coach the client around finding help

Last resort: break confidentiality

VARIANT: THE CLIENT COULD SERIOUSLY

ENDANGER SELF OR OTHERS


being nice is not enough - barefoot coaching ltd · 2017-01-24 · slide10 twitter: @jennyrogers10....

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