being becoming belonging booklet

Tips on hoW To supporT your child To become independenT, sociable and happy

hoW To use These Tipsby sections... These tips are divided into three sections, being, belonging and becoming, which complement each other to support your child’s personal, social and emotional development (PSED).

The green Being section has eight tips to help you help your child develop and manage their feelings and emotions. Pages 4-11

The blue Belonging section has four tips to help you help your child learn how to make friends. Pages 12-15

And the pink Becoming section have five tips to help you help your child develop independence. Pages 16-21

by age... The arrows, at the bottom of each page, loop around the age at which you should start using these tips but you can use the tips beyond five years old. Children develop at their own rates and in their own ways so use the tips flexibly. It’s up to you how you use the tips, you can choose to focus on sections or ages, whatever you decide, try to use them regularly.

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eloping and managing feelings and emotions

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turn taking and making friends

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eloping independence

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* Rocking or hugging your baby to calm them.

* Holding your baby close to you and wrapping them in a blanket to help them feel secure. Setting aside some time to be quiet and cosy with your baby to give them physical and emotional comfort.

* Developing routines to help your baby feel secure.

Why noT Try?

* Your child will begin to associate the smell and feel of their blanket with you and this will comfort them if they’re being cuddled by someone else.

* That showering your baby with love, care and attention doesn’t mean that you’re spoiling them.

* That if you respond quickly to your baby’s crying, they will cry less by the age of one, than babies who’ve been left to cry on their own.

Did you know?

beinG Tip 1

“What I like…”* When you cuddle or massage me and when you stroke my hair or

hold my hand, it helps me to settle.

* The smell and feel of my blanket remind me of you.

* When you rock me horizontally when I’m tired, it helps to settle me

and when you rock me vertically when I’m fretful, it helps calm me.

* When there’s a routine, I know what’s coming next and it helps me

put up with waiting.

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beinG Tip 2

* Talking to your baby and sharing lullabies with them, they are comforted by your voice.

* Taking favourite toys with you to comfort and reassure your baby when they’re in a place they aren’t familiar with.

* Playing with your baby, encouraging them to copy your facial movements and copying theirs.

* Repeating the sounds your baby makes, to show them that you’re listening to them.

* Laughing and smiling with your baby.

Why noT Try?

“What I like…”* Your singing, even if you aren’t especially musical!

* My favourite teddy or special blanket, it gives me a lot of

emotional support.

* Looking in a mirror, it helps me to recognise who I am.

* Your baby needs to learn from the people who are special to them, that they are special too.

* It’s really important to interact with your baby right from birth. Your baby learns about themselves and their relationships with others through communication.

* Mirroring your baby’s expressions will grab their attention and make them want to get involved.

Did you know?

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Why noT Try?

Did you know?

beinG Tip 3

* Staying close by your child when you’re in an unfamiliar place, so that they feel secure.

* Responding to your child’s emotions and showing that you share their feelings, such as being excited or pleased.

* Spending some quiet time together if your child is frustrated.

* Talking about feelings and labelling emotions such as “sad” and “happy” as you share books or play together.

* Providing toys that comfort your child, such as their teddy.

“What I like…”

* Being able to see you when we’re in a new place.

* When you laugh when I get excited.

* When you sit quietly with me when I’m fed up and you

give me my favourite teddy to cuddle.

* Your child needs to feel secure in order to explore an unknown environment.

* You need to be where your child can still see you, so that they feel safe to explore and move away from your side.

* Your child needs to feel secure to express their needs and to respond to the needs of others.

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beinG Tip 4

* Labelling emotions so that your child begins to understand their own and those of others.

* Encouraging your child in play based on every day experiences, such as feeding their teddy. This type of play gives your child a way of expressing their feelings.

* Talking with your child about how and why they should avoid hurting others.

Why noT Try?

“What I like…”* When you give a name to what I’m feeling.

* When there are lots of toys and everyday objects to

play with like dolls, spoons, bottles and blankets. It

helps me to act out my stories and ideas.

* When you use short, simple sentences so I’m able to

understand.

* That you shouldn’t expect your child to say sorry, they may not have a real understanding of what this means.

* That you need to give your child enough time to get their thoughts in order and find the words they need to use.

* Your child is unlikely to understand all the words you use but they will understand your body language and tone of voice.

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Why noT Try?

Did you know?

beinG Tip 5

* Making sure there are times and places when and where your child can be restful and quiet or active and noisy.

* Talking about feelings and introducing new labels for emotions so that your child can express how they feel more clearly. For instance, they might start using the word cross as well as sad.

* Talking about other people’s feelings and coming up with ideas together about how to comfort them.


* Lots of cuddles, it makes me feel reassured.

* Having space to run around and make a lot of noise

when I feel really energetic and having a quiet place to

go when I want to have a rest.

* Being outside gives children the space they need to be quiet as well as noisy.

* Being in fresh air helps your child develop a healthy mind as well as a healthy body.

* Two year olds have a very limited ability to regulate their emotions or put their feelings into words. They will begin to learn this from you.

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beinG Tip 6

* Naming and talking about feelings. Remind your child that all types of feelings are acceptable but that not all types of behaviour are.

* Describing how you feel and how you might manage your feelings, such as “I’m tired so I’m going to sit quietly and read for a while”.

* Talking with your child about how others who are feeling sad or cross might be helped to feel better.

Why noT Try?

“What I like…”* When I know how you will react when I behave in a

particular way.

* When you talk with me about the reasons you have

certain rules.

* When you recognise that I’m behaving out of the

ordinary because I’m tired or hungry.

* Your child will watch and copy how you behave.* Your child needs consistent boundaries so they know

what response to expect. Even if you are tired or stressed, try to keep the same boundaries in place.

* That if you change the boundaries, your child will continue to push to see where ‘stop’ comes.

* Your child may show unwanted behaviour because they don’t know any other way to get your or another adult’s attention.

Did you know?

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Why noT Try?

Did you know?

beinG Tip 7

* Introducing more stories about emotions, problem solving and working together.

* Giving your child opportunities to be active and calm throughout the day.

* Labelling emotions such as “lonely”, “scared” and “worried”.

“What I like…”* When you share stories with me such as Bad Tempered

Ladybird (Eric Carle) or Angry Arthur (H. Oram).

* When you let me and my friends sort out who has which

toy between ourselves.

* When we do lots of different activities during the day,

including quiet times.

* When your child is playing with other children it may seem quicker to step in and sort out disagreements such as squabbles about toys, even though it is unlikely you will know who had the toy first. But this does not help children learn to resolve their own problems in the long run.

* If you always wade in without letting your child sort out their own disagreements they’ll accuse you of being “unfair” or “never listening’’.

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beinG Tip 8

* Talking about whether things are fair or unfair, how to make things fair and why this isn’t always possible.

* Positively showing your child the type of behaviour you like, by smiling or giving your child a thumbs up sign.

* Making sure that you’re always ready to listen to your child whatever the situation, good or bad. That way they learn that they can tell you anything and will be listened to.

Why noT Try?

“What I like…”* When you display the paintings, drawings and models I’m

proud of, even if you don’t see them as works of art.

* When you give me a big smile, a cuddle or praise when I do

something right. It makes me want to do it again.

* To know that you keep me in your mind even when we’re apart.

* If you give your child negative feedback, it can impact on the development of their motivation and interest in learning.

* Praising your child when they do something right, encourages the behaviour you want. This approach works better than telling your child off for doing something wrong.

Did you know?

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Why noT Try?

Did you know?

belonGinG Tip 1

* Using your baby’s name when you talk to them.

* Playing games that involve physical interaction such as “This little piggy” and “Round and round the garden”.

* Listening to and copying your baby’s babbling, this is early turn taking.

* Playing simple games that involve action and turn taking such as “One potato, two potato…” or posting toy cars down a tube.

* Playing peek-a-boo games.


* Right from birth I find people more interesting than objects.

* When I’m in a pushchair or buggy which faces you,

it means that I can make face to face contact and

communicate with you.

* Your baby use lots of energy in their social interactions, they may yawn or frown when they begin to tire.

* If your baby turns away from you it may mean that they need a break from social interaction for a while.

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belonGinG Tip 2

* Giving your child the opportunity to play in the company of other children.

* Using opportunities to take turns, this will help your child understand that other people matter.

* Encouraging your child to swap over toys when they play alongside other children or you.

Why noT Try?

“What I like…”* Playing with other children.

* When I get a turn at playing with the toy that

my friends are playing with.

* To know you still like me, whatever I have done.

* Your child will get better at social interaction if they get the opportunity to play with other children.

* Parent and toddler groups are a great way for your child to meet new children. If you’re not sure where to find your nearest, just go to the Surrey Family Information Service directory to find listings of what’s running locally www.surreycc.gov.uk/directory

* Swapping comes before sharing.* Two year olds are implusive...they see, they want, they

take. This is developmental not immoral.

Did you know?

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Why noT Try?

Did you know?

belonGinG Tip 3

* Providing plenty of toys such as balls, so that your child is able to play with others.

* Playing games that encourage turn taking, for instance playing Snap.

* Encouraging your child to play with a range of other children, especially if they haven’t begun to make special friends.

* Sharing books that explore friendship.

* Introducing games with simple rules, such as picture lotto.

“What I like…”* When you show me how to

play with other children for

instance when we’re playing

with dolls and push chairs.

* Playing different games, ones

where there are winners and

ones where there aren’t.

* When I get to finish my game

without being made to give

my toys to someone else.

* When you realise that I want

to play by myself.

* Two year olds find it hard to wait for their turn or hand over a toy. Telling your child that they must share won’t work, instead provide enough toys or things for them and their friends to choose from.

* Your child will tend to play alongside other children rather than playing co-operatively with them until around 2½ years. And even at this age they are only just beginning to play co-operatively.

* It’s difficult but important for your child to learn that some games involve losing as well as winning and they need to learn to manage the emotions that go with this.

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belonGinG Tip 4

* Giving your child your full attention, listening and explaining things to them. This will help them learn how to talk and behave with others.

* Helping your child work through disagreements with other children by providing them with the words and phrases they need.

* Playing board games and providing other play opportunities to support turn taking and following rules. Build on what you’ve done before.

Why noT Try?

“What I like…”* That when I’m at play dates at home or friends’ houses, I’m able to

put into practice turn taking and all the things I’ve learnt from you.

* When you notice that I’ve had enough of playing with my friends

and that I just want to be by myself.

* That sharing stories is a useful starting point to talk through social issues such as Little Beaver and the Echo (A MacDonald) or Not Now Bernard (D McKee).

* That playing open ended games such as den building encourages your child to cooperate with others.

* Behaviour is a form of communication not an “adult wind-up”. Try to understand what your child is trying to tell you.

Did you know?

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Why noT Try?

Did you know?

becominG Tip 1

* Allowing your child time to watch others play or letting them play with toys on their own for short periods, while you stay close by. This will help you support your child to play independently.

* Offering your child a choice wherever possible, for example when deciding on which toys to play with.

* Expecting your child to show increasing independence such as pulling off their socks and eating finger food.

“What I like…”* When you encourage me to feed myself and don’t

make a fuss when I make a mess.

* When you let me choose what I want to play with.

* Other people to play with me and that includes you!

* Your baby will begin to assert their independence in different ways. For instance, when your baby turns their head away as they are being fed they are communicating their choice and showing you that they’ve had enough to eat.

* You may have to offer a particular type of food on ten to fifteen occasions before your child decides that they like it.

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becominG Tip 2

* Making sure that your child knows where and who to return to, when they leave your side.

* Sharing your child’s pleasure when they do something independently.

* Respecting your child’s decisions, such as when they say “no” or want to do things independently.

* Giving your child the opportunity and enough time to do things independently, for instance when they’re taking off their clothes at bed time or using a spoon at meal time.

Why noT Try?

“What I like…”* When you don’t over-rule every time I say no to something or

want to do it on my own.

* When you don’t rush me and let me do things in my own time.

* That if you praise your child when they try to be independent, they’ll be more likely to try again.

* You need to show your child how to do things, before they can do them independently.

* Your child won’t become independent by being left alone, they need your ongoing support.

Did you know?

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Why noT Try?

Did you know?

becominG Tip 3

* Giving your child little jobs to do when you’re out shopping, such as putting apples into a bag or getting a box of their favourite cereal off the shelf. They’ll enjoy the responsibility.

* Cooking and baking together with your child, this can help encourage an interest in trying different foods.

“What I like…”* When you give me a challenge, but only if your

expectations are realistic.

* When we’re both involved in daily routines such as

loading or emptying the washing machine.

* Your child sometimes needs a challenge. If they aren’t given a challenge by you then they’ll make their own and if this happens, they may take it a bit far for your liking.

* Avoid using the word “no” too much. Only use it in serious situations or it will lose its impact and your child will start ignoring it.

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becominG Tip 4

* Teaching your child to care for their things. For instance you can do this by asking them to tidy up their toys and showing them how to do this by doing it together the first few times.

* Giving your child more responsibility and encouraging them to be more independent by asking them to set the table, spread butter on their toast, dress and undress themselves, use a spoon and fork to eat with and pour their own drink.

Why noT Try?

“What I like…”* Is when you let me choose the clothes I want to

wear, even if you think they don’t match!

* When you give me enough time to dress myself.

* Even though your child will take longer to complete jobs on their own, their skills will develop over time.

* You need to set an example, by letting your child see you brushing your teeth and using the toilet, they will learn from you.

* That reading stories with your child, such as “We Are Wearing Out The Naughty Step” (M Inkpen) and “Eat Your Peas!” (K Gray) can help you get messages across in a fun way.

Did you know?

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Why noT Try?

Did you know?

becominG Tip 5

* Waiting until your child asks for your help before you provide it. Support them in difficult situations and if other children are being unkind.

* Encouraging your child to dress themselves, when you’ve got enough time and won’t be rushing them.

* Providing achievable challenges such as putting shoes on and allowing your child to make mistakes, they will learn from them.

* Encouraging your child to empty the dishwasher and to pair socks when you’re sorting the clean clothes.

* If you let your child organise their own games when they are playing with friends, it will encourage them to be independent and confident.

* That your child needs enough time to master new skills so don’t rush them when they try something new. And remember to give them lots of praise and encouragement.

“What I like…”* When we match patterned socks together, it’s much more fun

than pairing plain black socks!

* When you buy me clothes with elasticated waists and shoes

with Velcro fastening, then I can dress myself without getting fed

up. Otherwise it gets too fiddly.

* That you don’t over react when I make a mistake and you know

that it’s all part of me learning.dev


Where to go for more informationFor more information about early learning go to Surrey Family Information Service’s webpages at www.surreycc.gov.uk/earlylearning

If you have any concerns about your child’s development, speak to your GP, health visitor or someone at your local Sure Start Children’s Centre.

Why use these tips?This Being, Belonging, Becoming leaflet is packed full of tips and suggestionsto help your child’s personal, social and emotional development (PSED). If your child is aged between 0 and 5 years old, you’re going to hear a lot about PSED. It’s a bit of a mouthful but it’s basically talking about how children learn to respect and relate to others and start to manage their own feelings.

If you help your child feel good about themselves and others, they’ll find it easier to do this. Through watching how you behave, they’ll start to understand what the appropriate way to behave is, have confidence in their own abilities and show increasing levels of independence. And this will help them to become happy, popular and successful later on in life.

being becoming belonging booklet

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