because it’s for the kids building a secure parenting base ...€¦ · what teenagers need when...

Because it’sfor the KidsBuilding a secureparenting base after separation.

Being separated parents can be very hard work. This bookletoffers support, ideas and wisdomto help you work it out; becauseit’s for the kids.by Jennifer McIntosh, Ph.D

cif210999_brochure_FA 22/3/07 12:51 PM Page 2

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Many people say being a parent is the best buthardest job in the world,and we don’ t get propertraining for it.

Building a secure parenting base after separation

Many people say being a parent is the best but hardest job in theworld, and we don’t get propertraining for it.

Separation between parents isalso hard – to put it mildly – andthere’s no training for that either.

There’s no doubt that being a separated parent can be hard,emotional work.

It can be difficult to know whatyou need and want, and whatyour children need and want.


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If it is managed well by the adults, separationdoesn’t have to beharmful for children in the long run.

A secure base

With the right support, mostparents can find a way to build a secure base for their childrenafter separation. That’s good forparents, and vital for their kids.

We hope this booklet helps you do that.

Is separation harmful for kids?

If it is managed well by the adults, separation doesn’t have to be harmful for children in the long run.

Is conflict between parentsharmful for kids?

Sometimes. What hurts childrenand their development the most,short and long term, is ongoingadult conflict that doesn’t getsorted out.


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The good news: kids can copewith conflict between parents so long as:

• the conflict is not violent • the conflict is not frequent• parents work at sorting it out• kids understand they are not

to blame• kids are not caught in the

middle of it.

In fact, children of all ages canlearn good coping skills, providedthey are not too stressed by whatis happening in the family.

What happens when separatingdoesn’t stop the conflict?

Some parents can sort out theirdifferences with a separation. For many, conflict grows aroundthe time of separating andcontinues long after divorce. This is very stressful for parents…and for children.

It’s doubly important to thinkabout what children need in these situations.

The good news: kids can cope with conflictbetween parents.


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Parents’ ongoing conflictcosts kids too much…

What does high conflict look like?

Conflict comes in differentshapes and sizes.

Parents in high conflict typicallydo these sorts of things with each other:

• remain very angry• distrust each other• become verbally abusive• avoid each other unnecessarily• argue or interfere• go to court a lot• threaten, intimidate or try

to control their ex-partner• are aggressive or violent• have trouble communicating

about the children• criticize each other’s parenting.

That’s hard for anyone to live with, and important to change, because…

Parents’ ongoing conflict costskids too much…

Research shows the sad truththat conflict between parentsthat goes on and doesn’t getresolved is very hard on childrenand teenagers, and can affect the way they develop:

• they lose their ability to trust• they make poor attachments

to their parents• they don’t believe in themselves• they get overwhelmed

by their feelings• they show their distress

in bad behaviour• they have trouble making

and keeping friends• they aren’t confident• they don’t perform as well

at school• they have trouble making

healthy adult relationships.


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Something to think about

One in four children fromseparated families suffers frompoor mental health. That’s a lot more than “normal”.

Separation doesn’t cause this. Long,bitter, unresolved conflict does.

Children’s energy gets drained byhigh or frequent conflict betweenparents, when mums and dadscan’t ‘be there’ for them, becausetheir minds are full of tensionand anger.

Babies and young children areespecially vulnerable to bothfamily conflict and being lookedafter by overwhelmed parents.

Conflict costs parents a lot too,such as:

Worry and anger that goes on and on.

Depression.

Losing perspective: forgetting what’s important.

Not feeling like a good parent.

Money for mediators, counsellors.

Nerve-racking and expensivelegal processes.

Time lost from work.

Forgetting there are solutions,not just problems.

Babies and youngchildren are especiallyvulnerable to both family conflict and being lookedafter by overwhelmedparents.


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Children can twistthemselves into strangeshapes inside, in order tocope with conflict betweenthe people they love most.

You can protect your children from your conflict.

Parents in conflict with their ex-partner need support to sort it out. In the meantime, childrencan be protected from adults’tensions when both parents:

• keep the child out of the middleof their arguments

• never ask the child to carrymessages to the other parent

• don’t ask the child personalquestions about the other parent

• make arrangements that suitthe child

• know their child may havedifferent feelings from the ones they have

• try to notice what it’s reallylike for the child

• give permission for the child to enjoy their other parent

• help the child to have a healthy relationship with their other parent

• notice when the tension isbeing soaked up by their child

• remember that children cantwist themselves into strangeshapes inside, in order to copewith conflict between thepeople they love most.


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What’s time got to do with it?

Some parents focus on how much time they will each get with the children.

From your children’s point ofview, it’s much more important to work out what kind of supportthey need from each of you.

Read on…

What children need when Mumand Dad separate

What children need after theirparents separate is exactly what they needed before: a secure emotional base.

What all children need whenMum and Dad separate

Children need a secure base with parents they trust and feel comforted by.

Above all they need:

• a secure base for exploring,growing and developing

• help to solve their problems• encouragement to learn• routines that help them

feel in control• firm and loving limits

to be safely independent • a trusted parent when

they need to be dependent• protection from trauma.

Good parents don’t get it right all of the time, but they do try torepair mistakes when they happen.

What children need after their parentsseparate is exactly what they needed before:a secure emotional base.


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Babies need parents who are tuned into theirneeds, rather than having to be tuned in to Mum’s or Dad’s feelings.

What babies need when Mum and Dad separate

Babies need all of that, plus a bit extra. Babies need morehelp to manage their feelings.

They need predictability, and a lot of time with parents whonurture them. They need parentswho play with them, listencarefully to their efforts tocommunicate, and who keeptheir world small and safe.

If they’ve had a safe and nurturingrelationship with both parents,they need to continue to havethat. They need visiting schedulesthat don’t overwhelm them withtoo much change, or with conflictbetween their parents. Babies needparents who are tuned into theirneeds, rather than having to betuned in to Mum’s or Dad’s feelings.


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What teenagers need when Mumand Dad separate

They may be on their way toadulthood, but teenagers still needa secure base with their parents,in order to reach their potential.

It’s the little, day-to-day thingsthat matter. Research shows thatthe best parenting for teenagersafter separation is done by keepingthe daily stress in the teenager’slife as low as possible.

This happens when:

• Mum and Dad are ‘there’ on a daily basis to listen and givesupport. That can be in personor by making sure that yourteenager knows how to reachyou by phone or email, andknows that you will make everyeffort to be available when theyneed you. Those check-in callsare so important: “Just callingto see how things are today”.

• Each house has a daily routinethat is predictable, and hasconsistent rules and expectations.Parents arrive home when theysay they will, provide meals ontime, and give a good structureto the teenager’s day, that helpsthem manage their load. Thisreally reduces the daily stressthat teenagers can feel.

• Parents are able to keep tabs ontheir teenager and take a realinterest in their life. Withoutintruding too much, these parentsshare in their teenager’s interests,know what they need to get on with their activities, knowwhere they are, and how theyare spending their time.

• Each parent remembers specialdays in their teenager’s life, andtakes part in them as best theycan. That includes the big dayslike birthdays, and the othermoments that are important.The “of course I’ll be there”message or the “good luck” callsbefore the big match are worththeir weight in gold.

It’s the little, day-to-daythings that matter.


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Adolescents are veryaware of conflict betweenMum and Dad, and, like younger children,they do best when theirparents manage thatconflict and keep it low.

• Parents don’t rely on theteenager to give messages to the other parent. This reallystresses adolescents, especiallywhen they become the target of Mum’s or Dad’s frustrationwhen a message goes astray, or when they don’t get theanswer they wanted. Teenagerswho feel caught between theirparents are at the highest riskfor problems. Parents need to speak directly to each otherwhenever possible, becauseeven an apparently harmlessmessage can cause stress forthe teenager.

• Teenagers feel close to theirparents.

• Step-parents have a goodrelationship with the teenager.

What about teenagers andconflict?

Adolescents are very aware ofconflict between Mum and Dad,and, like younger children, theydo best when their parents managethat conflict and keep it low. They aren’t as likely to blamethemselves for trouble betweentheir parents as little kids are.However, teenagers from highconflict families often leave homeearlier than their friends who live in low conflict homes. So themessage for parents of teenagersis the same as with all kids: keepyour conflict low and keep yourteenager out of communicationbetween you and your ex-partner.


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This picture tells the story of the circle of security…

Kids of all ages need to feel enjoyed by their parents.

Kids of all ages need tofeel that “mum and dadunderstand what it’s like to be me now ” .

Adapted from ©2000 Cooper,Hoffman, Marvin & Powell

“I needyou to…”

Support myexploration

Welcomemy comingto you• Protect me

• Comfort me• Delight in me• Organise my feelings

“I needyou to…”

• Watch over me• Help me• Enjoy with me

Secure Base

Safe Haven

Mum or Dad attending to their child’s needs

Always be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind.Whenever possible follow my child’s needs.Whenever necessary take charge.


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Usually, parents manage toprovide all of that between them

How can you do it when you’reseparated, especially when theseparation hasn’t been easy?

You need to be in a certain stateof mind to provide all of that, so first things first…

Clearing a space for thinking

Going through separation takesup a lot of mental and emotionalenergy. If there’s conflict on topof separation, a parent’s mindcan become crowded with stressand strong, painful feelings.

With all of this, it can be hard tohave space for thinking clearlyabout your children.

How can you do all of that when you’reseparated, especiallywhen the separationhasn’t been easy?


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Parenting styles after separation

There are three major patterns of parenting after separation:

1. Cooperative parenting

About one third of parents lookafter their children cooperativelyafter separation. They talk to eachother, plan and make decisionstogether about their children. Theywork out a living arrangementthat works for everyone.

2. Two-track parenting

About one third of parents find it hard to cooperate, but agree toparent their children responsibly,in their own ways. These parentsdon’t talk to each other much, butthey do have ways of planningand making decisions so that the children aren’t too stressed.This is sometimes called parallel parenting.

3. Conflicted parenting

About one third of parents end up in long-term conflict with each other. They can’t find a way of parenting together, so they choose to stay locked in sadand bitter conflict. For many, theconflict is very high, very longand very damaging for them and for their children.

Which one would you choose?


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Parents who can makeroom for thinking abouttheir children’s needs,apart from their ownneeds, are the parentswho help their childrenadapt best to familyseparation.

Parents who manage their conflict:

• work through their emotionsabout being separate

• aren’t stuck in disbelief, rage, rejection or grief

• find a safe outlet for their emotions

• separate being a parent from being an ex-partner

• focus equally on their own needs and their children’s needs

• move beyond resentment and revenge

• look at solutions• get good advice from friends,

relatives, or professionals• don’t use violence.

Parents who can make room forthinking about their children’sneeds, apart from their ownneeds, are the parents who help their children adapt best to family separation.

And that matters a lot, as Rachel tells us…

Inside of me

My Mum and my Dad are inside who I am.They are part of me, wherever I go.When they divorced, they hated each other,And that was like they hated me.When they hurt each other, they hurt me.When Mum didn’t want me to see Dad, She wasn’t seeing me.

When Dad didn’t want me to love Mum, he wasn’t loving me.Now that’s stopped, and they get on OK,So I can be who I am, with my Mum and my Dad inside me.

Rachel, aged 11.


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• Keep your conflict away from your children

• Listen carefully to how they feel about things

• Let them know you are trying to sort out differences

• Explain that it’s not yourchildren’s fault

• Be positive about the other parent with the child(even when that isn’t easy)

• Don’t let your child playmessenger between parents

• Never allow your children to take sides against a parent

• Try to stay out of court –negotiate, don’t litigate

Child focused mediation and counselling can help the whole family through conflict and separation.

There is no vaccineagainst persistentparental conflict.

Prevention is better than cure.


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Try answering these questions

What is it like to be your child at the moment?

What are youdoing well to help themthrough thistime?

What would you like to do differently for them?

Working it out.

Here are some ideas about building a securebase for your childrenafter separation.


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Do your children ever get caught up in yourconflict?

Who helps them with theconfusion andsadness that all children feel at this time?

What opportunitycan you make to talk with yourchildren openlyabout how theyare feeling?

Working it out(continued)…


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For parents in conflict: try answering these questions

What will yourchildren’s worstmemory be ofyour conflict?

What will theirbest memory be of how youhandled theconflict?

Add these ideas to your discussions

When they separate, parentsmake agreements about houses,finance, contact, schools, holidays,and so on. That’s important. But,for the kids, consider these thingsas well. (If you’re in mediation orcounselling, try doing this there.)


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The hopes weshare for ourchildren are:

Our children need a secureemotional basewith each of us. To provide that,and to protect it,we agree to:

When our childrenare adults andlook back on thefamily separation,we hope they will be able to say thefollowing about us as parents:

Working it out(continued)…


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So, the messages we want to give our children now are:


“Because it’s for the kids… Building aSecure Parenting Base after Separation”is a Children in Focus publication intendedto reach out to Australian parents inneed of support to work on cooperativeparenting after separation. The booklet is also designed to assist professionals in their work with these parents.

This booklet was written by JenniferMcIntosh, PhD. As senior consultant to the Children in Focus Program,researcher, child psychologist, and mother,Jenn holds a strong focus on the needs of children and parents in the face of family trauma. She is particularlyregarded for her compassion and herstrong advocacy on the rights of childrento psychological safety. Jenn directs the family psychology clinic, FamilyTransitions, a specialist centre forassessment, therapy, Family Lawmediation and training.

Children in Focus is grateful to theAustralian Government Attorney-General’sDepartment for the funding support whichmakes Children in Focus projects possible.

We also acknowledge and thank our design partner, 3 Deep Design.

Centacare Melbourne sponsored theprinting of the first edition of the booklet.We thank them for this support.

For information on how to obtainadditional copies and to provide feedback, visit the Children in Focuswebsite www.childreninfocus.org

This booklet includes adapted materialsfrom “The Circle of Security Project”(Cooper, Hoffman, Marvin & Powell ©2000)and “Children in the Middle Project”(Arbuthnot ©2000).

This work is copyright. You may access,display, print and reproduce this materialin unaltered form only (retaining thisnotice) for your personal, non-commercialuse or use within your organisation. All rights are reserved.

Acknowledgements


Children in FocusAustralian Institute for Primary CareLa Trobe UniversityVictoria Australia 3086

ISBN 1 920 94896 1© 2007

Editor: Francesca GernerDesign: 3 Deep DesignPrinter: Bambra Press

www.childreninfocus.org

To order more copies of thisbooklet please go tohttp://familyrelationships.gov.au/publications

Learning more…

For free information, advice and referral to assist with family relationship or separationissues please call the FamilyRelationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321. For those withaccess to the Internet,www.familyrelationships.gov.auprovides useful information and contacts.

The White Pages of telephonedirectories list community andgovernment services for families,children and parents. Also, thelocal parent line, citizens’ advicebureau or library may be able to assist.

Disclaimer: These contacts are for your guidance only and wereaccurate at the time of publishing.

Fifth Edition

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