1

The Building Buddies GuideA resource for parents of kids with special needs on making and keeping friends

Building Buddies GuideTable of Contents

Thank you and Dedication - Page 3

Part I.!General Articles & Ideas for What Parents Can Do - Page 4 ! A. Finding Friends for Your Special-Needs Child - Page 5

B. Helping Your Special Needs Child Build Meaningful Relationships - Page 8C. IEP - Friendships Aren’t an Algorithm - Page 11D. Promoting Friendships for Kids with Special Need - Page 13E. Children With Disabilities & Service Dogs - Page 15

Part II. How to. . . Step-by-Step Guides for Specific Projects - Page 19! A. How to Organize a Lunch Bunch - Page 20

B. How to Create an Inclusive Environment at School -! Laying the Foundation for Lasting Friendships - Page 21! C. How to Do a Classroom Presentation - Page 23! D. How to Plan a Play Date - Page 24

E. How to Work with School Office Staff - Page 26F. How to Create a Social Encounter for Teens with Special Needs - Page 27

!Part III. Information to Share with Educators & Parents of Typically-Developing Kids -! Page 28

A. Study Suggests a Special Needs Child is the Most Important Friend Your Kid May Ever Make - Page 29

B. Top Ten Things the Classroom Teacher Needs to Know About Your Child with Special Needs - Page 31

C. “What’s Wrong with Him?” is Better Than “He Doesn’t Exist.” - Page 33

Part IV. Templates - Page 36A. Letter of Introduction - Page 37

! D. Getting to Know Me Brochure - Page 38! E. Poster - Page 40

Part V. Recommended Books - Page 41

Part VI. Suggested Website Links - Page 44

Part VII. Contributor Biographies - Page 48

2

Thank You and Dedication

This guide started as a group project for Partners in Policymaking. We are six moms of kids with special needs. We've all seen our kids struggle to make friends and keep them. But as we talked, we realized that our kids have seen some great successes, too. We know that friendships are formed and grow organically. However, we wanted to share tips and offer support in ways that worked for our own families.

Thank you to Partners in Policymaking, and to Pilot Parents of Southern Arizona. You brought us together, and you made this project possible.

The Building Buddies Guide is dedicated to our kids. We love you, and we are amazed by you every day.

3

Part I.

General Articles & Ideas of What Parents Can Do

4

Finding Friends for Your Special Needs ChildProvided by One Place for Special Needs, Written by Dawn Villarreal

Kids want to have friends. But it’s not so easy for special needs children to find meaningful friendships with others. Some children are shunned because of physical differences. Others have social and communication deficits that make it difficult to start and keep friendships. While it is impossible to address the nuances of every disability, here are some general tips toward finding friends for your child.

As a parent of two special needs kids, finding meaningful friendships is near and dear to my heart. I have used all of these methods and it has helped me build a small group of close knit friends who are able to look past my children’s disabilities and form a genuine friendship.

It takes time, a little bit of detective work and being able to handle some rejection, but you can find friends for your child too!

Ask Your Child’s TeacherYour child’s teacher sees which children in the classroom go out of their way to talk to your child. They see the classmates who take the time to assist your son or daughter without asking. Ask who these children are and contact their parent. You can start your conversation like this:

“Mrs. Smith told me that your son and my son really get along in class. I’d love the chance for them to get together.”

Depending on the disability, it is up to you if you wish to disclose the disability at this point, at the start of the play date or after the play date. You can help spread disability awareness by creating a one-page info sheet on your son that explains the disability and how to interact in kid terms. Or purchase a kid friendly book on your child’s disability to loan or give as a gift.

Find the Gems During Birthday PartiesIf you can afford a birthday party and invite all the classmates, this is a great opportunity to see for yourself which children interact best with your child. The children that want to sit next to the birthday boy or girl are good candidates for future play dates.

A child that makes sure your birthday child is included while the rest of the kids run off to an activity will be worth his weight in gold. Don’t discount children who are a different gender from your child. For instance, many girls can become nurturing and caring friends to boys with disabilities.

Ensure a Successful Play DateWhen a new friend comes to play, control the environment to make sure this new friend has a positive experience. Don’t set up a three hour play date if your child can only

5

handle one hour. Set up a schedule of preferred play activities if your child is unable to verbalize these on her own. Intervene arguments before they escalate. If your child has difficulty socializing, start out with an activity (e.g. going to a movie) that allows shared enjoyment with minimal social interaction.

Emphasize with the friend’s mom how much fun both children had during their get together. Remember, the success of the first play date will dictate whether or not future play dates take place. Gradually build up to less structured get togethers.

Don’t Let Age Get in the WayWe all would like our children to play with children in their age group. But this is not always possible due to a child’s particular deficits or lack of willing peers.

Experiment having interactions with different aged children. You might find that your child enjoys the big brother or sister role with a younger child. This gives them a sense of responsibility and they can better control the play activities. An older teen or adult can be more patient with the child who wants to talk about special interests. They will also be more understanding to social blunders while same age peers would not.

Ask to borrow a friend’s son or daughter, a neighbor’s child or a relative for a trial play date. Even an aunt or uncle can become an appreciated friend and mentor to a child with special needs.

Find Another Child with Special NeedsOften times, our child is the only one with special needs in the classroom. Wouldn’t it be nice to find a fellow friend who is going through the same issues and might have similar interests?

The disability Friends database at One Place for Special Needs helps you find other children (teens and adults too) with a similar diagnosis and/or similar interests. On this free site you can fill out a profile of your child’s birth year, gender, diagnosis and interests. Then do a Find Friends search in the community section. Parents can even contact fellow parents for their own friendship and support.

Check with your state disability organization. Some organizations offer parent-to-parent services that might put you in touch with a local family for support and friendship. Your child’s speech, occupational or physical therapist may also be able to put you in touch with another area family.

A great international organization is called The Friendship Circle which brings together teenage volunteers and children with special needs for hours of fun and friendship. See if there is a Friendship Circle chapter in your area.

Check Out Enthusiast Clubs or Recreational ActivitiesTo make up for a lack of friends, your child may have taken up more solitary interests. These days there are clubs and conventions for just about every hobby from dinosaurs

6

to kite flying. Take the time to research local clubs and see if your child can get involved. If the Internet turns up no results, try contacting your area library or museum.

If your child is involved in any sports or recreational activities, chat up the other moms. These are parents who are already aware of your child’s disability from seeing him in sports events or before and after classes. Parents who are open and friendly in their conversations may be happy to set up a play date with your child.

Have You Considered a Furry Friend?In addition to friendship with peers, you might consider a furry companion for your child with special needs. Many children form a close bond with their pet who offers unconditional love. In addition, children learn about responsibility and empathy in taking care of their pet.

A study in Germany showed 80 percent of children interviewed considered their dog to be an important friend and confidante. A survey in England showed that 85 percent of children regards their pets as a playmate.

Conquer Your Fear of RejectionIn your search to find friends for your child, you will run into rejection. There will be the parent that’s not comfortable having your child play with theirs. Other times it’s a child that was friends but now has other interests. And sometimes a play date just doesn’t quite work out as planned. It’s easy to feel discouraged and give up.

Do not let these situations deter you from continuing your search for friends for your child. You will find parents who will look past the disability and encourage their child to bond with your son or daughter. You can find that special child who appreciates your child for who he is. Be strong and be on the look out for friendship opportunities wherever they may turn up.

7

Helping Your Special-Needs Child Build Meaningful Friendshipsby Elaine Hall

“Hey guys! I had fun! See you next week,” calls 12-year-old Jackson as he climbs into his mom’s SUV. “Mom, I had a great time and I think I made some friends,” he beams. This was Jackson’s first day in our theater class and, as his mom later told us, this was the first time Jackson had ever made a friend. There is a myth that children with autism, learning disabilities and other social/emotional challenges prefer to be alone. I have found the exact opposite to be true. The same children who may kick, isolate themselves, scream or even bite during their regular school day come to our classes and hug, hold hands and laugh. They express their desire for friendship and gratitude to their parents, and are very supportive of each other. How can we help support positive social interaction and foster meaningful friendships in children of all ages? 1. Be open to a different way of relating. Children with social/emotional difficulties, like all children, crave friendship and have empathy. They might just express themselves differently. I’ve seen this firsthand with my own son. If he likes one of our volunteers, he might smell her, or touch her gently on her shoulder. If he feels the least bit judged by another, even if she doesn’t outwardly express it, he might walk away (or when he was younger, throw the nearest available object). In her progressive book, Autism Solutions, How to Create a Healthy and Meaningful Life for Your Child (Harlequin, 2011, www.drrickirobinson.com) Ricki Robinson. M.D., writes, “Because children with ASD (or sensory processing or learning challenges) have difficulty with sensory processing and motor output, their inability to respond or emote the same way as we do doesn’t necessarily mean they lack empathy …. A child with ASD is not detached from life – quite the opposite – he craves everything that life has to offer. It is his sensory processing, motor systems, and rhythm and timing issues that seem to derail him from attaining his goal.” Stay open to all of the ways that your child is social, even if those ways look different from what you see in other children his or her age. If your child is older and still feels more comfortable with parallel play, don’t judge this. Find another child who also prefers quieter environments and enjoys doing independent activities alongside of another child. Being together side-by-side builds trust, companionship and, eventually, with guidance and support, interaction. Share a meal together with another child and their family. Again, you are building on positive emotional experiences.

8

2. Build friendships around your child’s interests. Where does your child excel? Some people call them “obsessions,” but I like to say, “preferred interests.” Find others who like to do similar activities. So often our kids are in therapy working on deficits. Therapy is essential, but it is just as important to see where your child does well and build this into a social context. My son loves to walk and hike, so we foster his friendships with others who also enjoy the outdoors. Find classes that explore your child’s preferred interests, and environments where he can share his passions with other children. If your child is very active, sports and recreation classes are great. Special Olympics (www.specialolympics.org) provides organized athletic programs for children with developmental disabilities. There is a great chance that your child will meet like-minded friends there. Children and teens in The Miracle Project (www.themiracleproject.org) theater program love acting, music, and dancing. Many of our students, once isolated and alone, are now joined by others who enjoy the arts. If your child has a proclivity toward trains, a trip to the Allied Model Trains Store (www.alliedmodeltrains.com) in Culver City might help you find others with common interests. 3. Be aware of your child’s sensory system. Don’t try to overload them with too much stimulus. My son was once paired with a typically developing buddy at lunchtime during school. The lunchroom was loud, with too many students in it for him to focus on the friend. The organizer of the buddy program told us that he could not participate in the program because he didn’t want to go into the lunchroom with the buddy. I suggested that they keep their “lunch date,” but perhaps eat outside at a bench, or in a quiet room. When they did, they developed a lovely friendship. Find peaceful and quiet places to foster friendships. If your child enjoys animals, try programs such as Danny’s Farm (www.dannysfarm.org), started by former Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Jim Gott, and his wife, Cathy, in honor of their son Danny, who was diagnosed with autism and has an interest in farm animals. Danny’s Farm provides a safe, peaceful environment and programming for children with developmental disabilities. In this calm environment, friendships can be nurtured with other children who have an affinity toward animals. 4. Bring your child’s peers from school into your home. Let them get to know your child in an atmosphere where your child is comfortable. Teach these other children to understand your child’s challenges, and let them know about your child’s interests. You might be pleasantly surprised at how many peers without disabilities would love to know more about your child. My son, now 19, remains friends with our neighbors’ children, who joined him in his playroom when he was just 3. Programs such as The Friendship Circle (www.friendshipcircle.com) bring together teenage volunteers and children with disabilities for hours of fun and friendship. These shared experiences empower the children while enriching the lives of everyone involved. 5. Enlist peer role models during school time. Recess can be particularly taxing  for children with sensory challenges and motor-planning difficulties. Motor processing and regulation is the ability to understand and process body movements. Sometimes, trying to navigate the many unspoken rules and requirements for even a seemingly simple game such as Dodgeball can be too much for a child who has motor-planning challenges. Your child might walk the periphery of the playground instead of

9

participating in the games. Ask your child’s teacher to assign one of the most athletic and popular kids to be your child’s recess “buddy” and break the steps in a game into small, attainable goals. You might be surprised at how much this peer gains from being able to share his expertise with your child. 6. Model, read about, and practice what it means to be friendly and interested in others. Not all children pick up on the social rules of play. You might need to discuss rules with your child, and help your child understand the information that most people know without being taught. The Hidden Curriculum for Kids app or book , designed for individuals with learning disabilities, autism spectrum disorders, and those who have challenges might help your child in picking up information from their environment. 7. Celebrate and point out when your child is being a good friend: “That was so nice of you to share your markers with your friend, Caroline.” “I loved how you said goodbye to each of your friends before we left the zoo.” Remind your child that part of being a good friend is showing interest in their friend and celebrating their specialness. In the words of C. S. Lewis, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” Elaine Hall is a thought leader; motivational speaker; inclusion activist; founder of The Miracle Project, profiled in the HBO film, Autism: The Musical; author of Now I See the Moon (HarperCollins) and 7 Keys to Unlock Autism (Wiley); and creator of an arts enrichment and religious education program at Vista Del Mar Child and Family Services.Making friends isn’t easy for anyone but becomes even more difficult if you are a child with special needs who has an Individualized Education Program (IEP).  While most schools use an IEP to primarily focus on academics, one of the most overlooked uses is to help with socialization and recreation.  The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) allows for support services, known as “Related Services” that helps the child receive a Free Appropriate Public Education (FAPE).  The definition of Related Services as defined by IDEA says: In General. The term ‘related service’ means transportation, and such developmental, corrective, and other supportive services (including speech-language pathology and audiology services, interpreting services, psychological services, physical and occupational therapy, recreation, including therapeutic recreation, social work services, school nurse services designed to enable a child with a disability to receive a free appropriate public education as described in the individualized education program of the child, counseling services, including rehabilitation counseling, orientation and mobility services, and medical services, except that such medical services shall be for diagnostic and evaluation purposes only) as may be required to assist a child with a disability to benefit from special education, and includes the early identification and assessment of disabling conditions in children. 

10

IEP Recreation: There is no Friendship Algorithmby Dennise Goldberg

Making friends isn’t easy for anyone but becomes even more difficult if you are a child with special needs who has an Individualized Education Program (IEP).  While most schools use an IEP to primarily focus on academics, one of the most overlooked uses is to help with socialization and recreation.  The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) allows for support services, known as “Related Services” that helps the child receive a Free Appropriate Public Education (FAPE).  The definition of Related Services as defined by IDEA says: 

In General. The term ‘related service’ means transportation, and such developmental, corrective, and other supportive services (including speech-language pathology and audiology services, interpreting services, psychological services, physical and occupational therapy, recreation, including therapeutic recreation, social work services, school nurse services designed to enable a child with a disability to receive a free appropriate public education as described in the individualized education program of the child, counseling services, including rehabilitation counseling, orientation and mobility services, and medical services, except that such medical services shall be for diagnostic and evaluation purposes only) as may be required to assist a child with a disability to benefit from special education, and includes the early identification and assessment of disabling conditions in children. 

IDEA goes on to define Recreation to include, 1) assessment of leisure function, 2) Therapeutic recreation services, 3) recreation programs in schools and community agencies, and 4) Leisure education.

I am going to focus the rest of this blog on Therapeutic recreation also known as Recreational Therapy.  Recreational Therapy is a treatment service that provides treatments and recreation activities to individuals with illnesses or disabling conditions to improve or maintain physical, mental and emotional well-being and help reduce depression, stress and anxiety.  Recreational therapies help patients with basic motor functioning and reasoning abilities to build confidence and socialize more effectively. I think the key to this definition is teaching reasoning abilities.   Although the picture below from the Big Bang Theory is humorous, there is no “friendship algorithm” for making friends and social skills training alone can only take you so far.  

11

My own son struggles with making friends and his reasoning ability is one of the primary reasons, but we have included this need in his most recent IEP.  As I already mentioned, recreation is a related service under IDEA and since this is one of my son’s needs we wrote a goal specific to his social functioning and reasoning.  His social functioning goal reads:

During a 20 minute partner or small group cooperative learning or play, he will be able to read another person’s plan by observing their actions and stating at least one realistic result of peers actions, once per day on 5 out of 5 school days per week.

Teaching reasoning and social functioning, in my opinion, is one of the most important aspects of the entire IEP process.  When you learn how to make friends those abilities can be used as the foundation for adult independence.  You use these skills every time you interact with another person, including job interviews and talking with clients and supervisors.  Success outside of school is not always correlated to intelligence and learning social functioning and reasoning abilities can sometimes take you very far.   So if your child struggles in these areas and has an IEP, I suggest you ask for an assessment for recreation and address these needs in the IEP.

12

Promoting Friendships for Kids with Special NeedsBy Kristen Burke, OTR/L

Friendship plays an important role in everyone’s life.  When one has no friends life spans are significantly reduced.  Experts agree that friendship is not a luxury, it is essential to life.  Despite this fact, the social networks of friends and intimate relationships for children with disabilities are often smaller than are the social networks of children without disabilities.  Children with disabilities may have unique barriers that prevent them from developing and maintaining friendships.  These barriers, however, are not insurmountable but should serve to challenge the creative parent to incorporate strategies for promoting friendship.  Friendship is an art so there is no one way to approach its development.  However, you may want to consider some of the following ideas and strategies to promote friendship development.

Make Friendship Development a PriorityMake friendship development a priority.  This may sound simple enough, but families have such busy lives it is easy to put off scheduling play dates or other social activities.     Families who have children with special needs often have additional demands to their schedules like doctor’s appointments and therapies.  Look for an activity, club or group in your community that you think your child would enjoy.  Make time to set up play dates with neighbors or classmates.

Capitalize on your child’s strengths and interests. Friendships often begin based on mutual interests.  Maybe your child loves basketball, is there a local team that he/she could join?  Even if a child’s physical limitations may not allow him/her to fully participate in playing basketball is there a role he/she could fill on the team?

When your child participates in activities be sure to set him or her up for success.  Make sure the appropriate adaptations are in place.  Make sure his/her abilities are highlighted within the activity.  Observe the group and how the children interact with one another.  Could the group be restructured to promote socialization?  Can children be regrouped to break up cliques?  Are there opportunities to pair kids up one-on-one?  The group leader may be open to some suggestions to create a sense of belonging for all children within the group.

Teach Friendship DevelopmentPractice being a friend with your child.  Some children with special needs may need help  learning how to be a friend.  We often spend a lot of time teaching children with special needs specific skills like walking or tying their shoes but neglect teaching them skills for friendship development.  Think about ways in which you can help your child be a friend, like rehearsing social situations or preparing your child with social communication skills.

When developing an IEP at school think about friendship.  Can strategies be implemented that will help your child make friends.  For example if your child needs

13

assistance in the lunch line can peers take turns helping him or her?  Maybe your child and his/her friend would get to go to the cafeteria a couple of minutes early and be first in line, now the children will view getting to be your child’s buddy as a privilege.br />It is not possible for you to “mandate” friendship for your child.  However, it is possible to create opportunities for your child to meet and spend time with other children in ways that encourage friendship to take root and flourish.  It is essential that families think about the many ways to facilitate these opportunities.

14

Children with Disabilities and Service DogsOriginally published in Alert, National Service Dog Center® Newsletter Vol. 6, No. 3 1995. Edited for the web and updates.

“A true friend is the most precious of all possessions and the one we take the least thought about acquiring” ~ La Rochefoucauld

“When our son's doctors first suggested a service dog for him, we were skeptical. We couldn't understand how a dog was going to improve his outlook on life. He is now 7 and a completely different child. Looking back on the days before Clara (dog), it's amazing we survived. Our son enjoys life and is able to cope in public places without falling apart. Something he was completely incapable of one year ago.”  ~Wendy L.

When are they the right prescription?There is no question that a service dog can be a tremendous benefit to a person with a disability. When the person is a child, it might be especially difficult to locate a trainer that will best meet the child's needs. Some service dog training centers do not train dogs for children at all, and most have minimum age limits – some as young as 7, but the majority are age 12.

In general, children with disabilities who want a service dog will encounter many of the same stumbling blocks that hinder adults. Many training facilities have waiting lists – some up to 6 years or longer. The expense of training a dog can be prohibitive, with estimates ranging from a low of $350 to $10,000 or more. Some trainers require that the person receiving the dog come to their facility and stay for an extensive training session (some as long as 6 weeks) with the dog before bringing it home. This can be expensive, if costs for travel, room and board must be paid by the individual. Since most children would need the supervision of an adult, it could also mean lost time at work for the parent. A check with the U.S. Department of Labor - Wage and Hour Division found that the Federal Family and Medical Leave Act does not cover this type of situation since it does not fit into the specific criteria for "serious illness."

Evaluating the BenefitsIf these obstacles can be overcome, the next item to consider is how a service dog would enhance the child's quality of life, both physically and emotionally. Several papers were presented in 1995 in Geneva at the International Conference on Human Animal Interaction: Animals, Health and Quality of Life. One, entitled Forward, Heal! – The Dog as a Healthcare Option for People Who Have Disabilities, Susan Duncan, RN, details how to evaluate the benefits a service dog could have for a person with a disability. The areas to consider include: activities of daily living difficulty level, stamina, activity level, social integration, safety, nutrition, ability to work/attend school, support systems, and cognitive ability. This paper, with selected other papers from the conference were published in Companion Animals in Human Health (C. Wilson & D. Turner, Eds., Sage, CA, 1998).

15

Often, one major benefit of having a service dog is increased independence as the dog performs tasks that were formerly impossible for the child. The ways a dog can help are far too numerous to list in this article, but a few examples follow:The child who uses a wheelchair can now retrieve dropped items without having to call an adult for help.The child with a hearing disability is alerted to the school bell signaling a class change.The child with a visual impairment can walk in the park without holding on to another person.

This independence can be accompanied by an increase in self-esteem as the child no longer has to rely solely on other people.

Research has shown the general health benefits of companion animals are improved psychological well-being, facilitated learning and improved communication and a source of humor.

The service dog also becomes a constant companion for the child, and can facilitate the child's social interaction with others. Too often a child with a disability is shunned by other children and some adults who feel uncomfortable in the presence of a person with a disability. A service dog can be a great icebreaker, encouraging conversation and the formation of friendships.

Factors to Consider

Despite the many benefits, not all children who have disabilities are good candidates for a service dog. Developmental age and abilities must be carefully evaluated. The individual child must be carefully evaluated for aspects such as emotional maturity and the potential for dog handling ability. Bonnie Bergin, PhD, is developing a curriculum specifically to train children to handle service dogs. This curriculum will be made available to other trainers and will be geared toward the child's level of learning. The goal is to improve the rate of success of selecting the proper dog for each child. A test class of 5 to 6 students was planned for August, 1996.

Dr. Bergin believes that inconsistencies in children's behaviors prevent some children from becoming capable handlers. She hopes to remedy this by teaching the child the necessary behavior patterns so commands and praise will come naturally and consistently. She also notes that the dog and child must be carefully matched. Just as children have different levels of emotional maturity, so do dogs. The personalities of the child and dog need to complement each other, and the dog must be physically capable of doing the work the child needs.

The need for a minimum level of maturity on the child's part is one reason so many trainers set age limits. While it might guarantee physical age, this arbitrary limitation penalizes the individual who is younger but may be developmentally capable, and does not ensure readiness in those who meet or exceed that age. This screening also does

16

little to help children coping with a disability during some of the most critical stages in their personality development. An extreme but poignant case is that of Dylan Shaw.Dylan is a 2 ½-year-old with cerebral palsy. Born 3½ months prematurely and given little chance for survival, Dylan has cognitive and speech skills appropriate for his age level. His gross motor skills, however are at a 7-month-old level. The result is a very frustrated toddler. Dylan's mother Julie, a registered veterinary technician and dog trainer, is positive a service dog would be of great benefit to Dylan, both physically and emotionally. She is very knowledgeable about the effects a dog can have, and wants those benefits for her child. She has been told Dylan would have to wait until he was 5 years old to get a service dog. Her heartfelt response sums up the plight of those who are unable to obtain a service dog: "I'm telling you my son needs something now! Imagine what his self-esteem will be like in another 2½ years. He is so lonely."

One trainer suggested that Dylan would benefit from a retired service dog – one that was still healthy and capable of obeying commands. With that in mind, Julie has been writing letters and petitioning trainers in the hope that somewhere there is a dog for her son.

Too often many of the disabilities that encumber children are also life threatening. In these cases, the wait period to acquire a service dog literally becomes a matter of life and death. Susan Duncan notes in her paper a situation where an 11-year-old boy with muscular dystrophy was turned down by 2 agencies because he did not meet their 12-year-old limit (even though he was at or above the developmental skills necessary for his grade level). Two other agencies accepted his application, but advised there would be a 4 to 6 year wait. With the development of other health problems and a poor prognosis for life expectancy, the boy might not live to see how a service dog could have helped him.

Let the Buyer BewareFew guidelines or regulations are in effect for trainers of service dogs. This results in inconsistency within the field. At this time, there is no national standard. To quote Susan Duncan from her paper:

"There is no universal document that defines what consumers should be able to expect when acquiring a service dog. This makes the consumer vulnerable to inconsistent treatment and uninformed decision making."

Because of this, the procurement of a service dog can be a consumer's nightmare. Andrea Allen is a 12-year-old girl with a malignant brain tumor who has had to experience the heartache of losing a service dog she had come to love, even though the dog did not perform acceptably. Andrea's family paid $6,500 for a dog from a trainer that had advertised in "Dogs and the Law" and "Canine Helpers for the Handicapped," a regional newsletter, and had falsely claimed to be a Delta Society affiliate.Andrea's mother, Susan, said that the trainer, who had retained legal ownership, took the dog back because she had "bladder problems," and never brought her back. The dog also had behavior problems and did not respond well to commands from Andrea.

17

Susan Allen felt the dog was not trained well to begin with, and later realized that the trainer did not have much experience training for people with disabilities. When Allen began litigation to try to recover some of their costs, she found out that this trainer had a history of at least 9 other similar incidents. Allen laments the lack of certification for the field. "There are no guidelines for a person getting into this," she said. "It's not like when you go to a doctor and you have a list of questions to ask." Allen went public with her complaints and was helped to find another training facility. The new agency wanted comprehensive information on Andrea's condition. They sent the Allens a list of training failures as well as successes, making it very clear that there were no guarantees about a match. When told, "some teams just don't click," Allen was amazed. "No one had even told us that before." Final training took place at home, since that was where the dog would work. Allen was also impressed with the follow-up. "Any questions, any problems all I have to do is call " she said.

Though Andrea was very attached to her first dog, she has bonded well with her new dog, a black Lab named Archie. Archie is not as demonstrably affectionate as Andrea's first dog, but Susan raves about his performance. "There is no comparison with the way the dogs were trained. Even with my daughter's speech difficulties he can still respond," she said.

Andrea is a good example of the health benefits a service dog can provide for a child. Though nearly 13, Andrea is the size of a 5-year-old. She can walk a short distance, but she has poor balance. Archie helps her to walk by giving her something to lean on. He turns lights off and on, pulls her wheelchair, picks up dropped items and even takes off her socks. Andrea is also hard of hearing and visually impaired. Archie alerts Andrea to alarms, door bells, the phone and other noises. He also makes sure Susan is notified when the alarm of Andrea's nutritional pumps sound.

Archie is Andrea's true companion; he goes to school with her, and he sleeps on her bed. Susan says that Archie has helped Andrea to make friends. "He gives her something to talk to other people about. Everybody knows her. When they see her with Archie on the street they beep and wave," said Susan. Susan noted with pride that Andrea and Archie raised over $500 together in a walk-a-thon for their local humane society – something Andrea never would have considered participating in before.Andrea's initial nightmare turned out to have a happy ending, but that's not the case for many who have a bad experience with a "professionally trained" service dog. Until there is a system of standards and regulations, it will be up to the consumers to arm themselves with as much knowledge as possible before choosing a trainer.

Realistic ExpectationsAs with most healthcare options, a service dog is no guarantee for improvement in condition. However, it can be an important, cost-effective solution to a number of difficulties for the child with a disability. As with most things in life, the key is to evaluate the situation as carefully as possible, keeping expectations realistic and conditions flexible.

18

Part II

How to. . . Step-by-Step Guides for Specific Project

19

How to Organize a Lunch Bunch

A Lunch Bunch is a group of kids who gets together at school, during or just after lunch, for socialization. A Lunch Bunch can provide the opportunity for small-group interaction between kids with special needs and their neuro-typical peers. ALL kids can benefit from being in a Lunch Bunch. Here are some tips to start a group:

1. Plan on volunteering to run this group yourself, or being there each session to help facilitate.

2. Approach your school. Start a discussion with your child’s teacher(s), on-campus speech therapist, school psychologist or administration.

3. “Budget constraints” are often sited as a reason schools do not want to have a Lunch Bunch. Explain that it can be done for free or nearly free.

4. Ask your school for a staff member to run the group. If they say they don’t have the resources, ask if you can run it yourself.

5. The number of General Education kids and special-needs kids you have in the group will depend on the number of adults available. Fewer adults means fewer kids. Ideally, you would have two adults (yourself and one school staff member), one or two kids with special needs, and three or four General Education kids.

6. A weekly lunch bunch with a consistent day and time works well.7. Meet inside or outside, depending on weather and activities.8. With the help of teachers, pick a group of kids. You can either keep the same group of

kids for the entire school year, or rotate new kids in occasionally. 9. The school should send home permission slips for parents to sign for all kids who will

participate.10.Activities can include: Smart Board computer games (if your school has them), board

games (your school speech therapist may have some you can borrow), outdoor sports and activities that the entire group can participate in, and traditional games like Simon Says and Charades.

11. Host an end-of-the year party for all the kids who participated. Don’t forget thank-you’s for any staff who worked with the group.

20

Guide to Creating an Inclusive Environment at School- Laying the Foundation for Lasting Friendships

Not all kiddos are in a fully inclusive classroom, so it’s important to find ways to maximize the amount of time they spend in the general education environment with their typical peers. However, its more important to ensure their time there is meaningful. A leading child psychologist and expert in special education services says that even if your child belongs to the special education class on paper, they should not be viewed as a ‘visitor’ by the teacher or students of the general education class. Regardless of the amount of time your child spends there, they need to be viewed as true member of the class. He gave me some fantastic tips to ensuring success:

In the General Education Class:

• Inclusion on the Class Roster- Ask the teacher to include your child on the class roster that is sent home to other parents. Birthday party invites are often generated from this list.

• Visuals in the Classroom- Anywhere the students’ names are visually listed in the classroom (i.e., bulletin boards) needs to include your child’s name as well.

• Their own Cubby- Your child needs to have a cubby. They can use it for their belongings when they are there and, more importantly, the teacher can use it for outgoing items. This leads to…

• Send-Home Papers- Whatever notices, papers, assignments, daily progress notes, etc. that are sent home with the other students need to be sent home with your child as well. This ensures that you are aware of what is happening in that classroom. There’s nothing worse than finding out that your 2nd grader is participating in a musical program the day of the event!

• Homework Packets- Work with the teacher to send home an appropriate homework packet each night. If your child is not able to do the exact homework as their peers, then request modified assignments.

• Start of the Day- Your child should be included in as much as developmentally appropriate. A great place to start is lunch, recess, and specials like PE, Art, and Music. If possible, your child should also start their day in the general education class for role call and daily review. Then, if need be, they can be pulled out to their other activities. Try to encourage a pull-out vs. push-in schedule.

• Volunteer in the Classroom- Even if you are already spending time in your child’s Special Ed classroom or your child is not in the General Education class all day, make it a point to volunteer at least once per month in the General Education class. There are many benefits to this:

21

o You are able to build rapport with the teacher and staffo You are able to see the class and staff in actiono You get to see your child in the general education setting and identify best

practices and what modifications would make them more successful. o You can build rapport with the students and identify who might make the

most suitable friends for your child.o You will have an opportunity to meet the other parents, thus you can

identify who might make the most suitable friends for you too!

• Create an Intro Letter or Postcard about Your Child- As soon as your child starts spending time with this class, ask to send home an introductory letter, including a picture, about your child. This should go home with all of the other children. There are examples of both the letter and postcard elsewhere in this packet here (insert link?). There is also an example of a video one family did for their child. You can see that here. The purpose of either of these is to:

o Make sure the other parents know about your child and encourage them to include them in their social gatherings.

o Talk about how cool your kid is!o Identify your child’s challenges and / or diagnosis, i.e., Joey has autism.

Communication and social interactions are challenging for him.o Point out all the ways your child is just the same as theirs i.e., Joey loves

high-fives, swimming, and riding his scooter. o Suggest ways their child can connect with yours.

• Conduct Peer Sensitivity Training- Teach the teachers, staff, and kids about your child. Depending on your child’s grade, you can do this during a story-time. Check our Books and Articles sections for some great tools to facilitate this training. Also, check with your local support agency to see if they have free programs for this. For example, Arizona Autism United has a free program that they conduct in a 45-minute session Peer Autism Acceptance session.

• Get Buy-in From the School Principle- In many schools the Special Education classes report to District vs. the school’s principle. Therefore, the principle is not always very involved with our teachers and kids. Meet with your principle early in the school year. The purpose of this meeting is to also build rapport. You want them to know you by name and more importantly know your child. Make them aware of the key aspects of your IEP including your family’s mission statement for your child. Ask them to periodically check with the general education teacher on your child’s progress. Meet with them at least one other time during the year to check on their commitments.

You will notice that a very common thread in these suggestions is your involvement and building rapport on behalf of your child. Do what you can in the context of the other demands in your life. You and your child will both benefit!

22

How to do a Classroom Presentation

Communicate with your child's teacher that you would like to do a short presentation to educate the class about how your child is differently abled. It is up to you and your child whether he/she is present in the room during the presentation. It is beneficial to have your child in the presentation as they become part of the discussion and their responses can be integrated into the presentation.

Ideas for activities to do in a classroom presentation:

Discuss diversity/differences and similarities• Read a book about diversity that is age appropriate. (review book list for ideas)• Discuss the book and ask kids questions about what makes them all different and also

about what things everyone has in common. • Do an activity that teaches diversity. (review list of diversity activities)• Discuss how your child may be different from other kids in the class and if appropriate,

the reasons why or how. Additionally, talk about all the ways that your child is like the other kids in the class.

Discuss friendships• Read a book(s) that teaches about friendships and discuss it with the kids.• Discuss what things one can do to be a good friend and how to develop friendships.

(Example: Be kind, share toys, ask someone to play with you.)• Do an activity about friendships. ( review activity list) !

Discuss specifics pertaining to your child. Educate the classmates about your child.• Communication – as applicable, talk about best ways kids can communicate with your

child• Play – discuss ways your child can play with the other students• Learning – Ways that your child may learn differently and how students can support

your child. (Example – Manny can take longer to learn new things than all of you. Please be patient with him.)

• Friendships – Ways that kids can be a friend to your child.

Leave a momento with each child to take home.• Create a postcard with your child's photo and a bit of information about him/her • These can go home and parents can read them and be informed (see example)• Provide contact information for those parents who may want to contact you

23

How To Plan a Playdate

Planning a playdate can be an intimidating thought. Especially if the playdate will be between your differently-abled child and a typical child, there may be a lot of unknowns. There may be fear about whether the other child will want to have a playdate, or whether the other parent will oblige. There may be fear or worry about how your child with special needs will do with the playdate, and how much you may need to intervene or closely you may have to supervise the activity. Here are few thoughts on planning a playdate and some tips for making it happen.

• Playdates can be fun!

• Playdates extend the idea of inclusion outside of school

• Playdates don’t have to be a lot of work

• Playdates are important for social growth

• Your child can help in planning a playdate

• Playdates help set the foundation for friendship

TIPS for setting up a playdate:

1) Be proud of yourself for having the courage in pursuing this for your child!

2) Talk to your child about whether or not he or she would like to have a playdate. Talk about his/her ideas about what a playdate is, and what kinds of things might happen on a playdate. Ask the child what kinds of things he/she would enjoy doing on a playdate.

3) Talk you child about who they might want to invite to a playdate.

4) Talk to your child’s teacher(s) about who your child tends to play with, and who tends to gravitate toward your child.

5) Who are the prospects? If you have several options for who to invite, narrow down the prospects to one or two and decide who be the lucky first invitee!

6) If you get the chance and you know who they are, briefly mention prior to the other parent(s) of the children that it might be fun to get the children together for a playdate. This is a casual way of suggesting the idea to gauge interest from the other parent.

24

7) Here’s the hard part!!! Email/Call/Text the other parent to ask about having a playdate. This is where we are all afraid that our child will be rejected. However, this is the risk taking that is necessary to help grow your child’s social circle. For those that are more risk averse, the email or text option can be the least threatening.

8) Remind yourself that the other child will benefit just as much as your child from having some play time together. We sometimes forget that our children have so much to offer!

9) Pick a date and time you feel would be best for your child taking into considering behavior, endurance, ability, timing with medication, etc.

10) If this is the first playdate, limit the time frame to 2-3 hours. This is usually plenty of time for young children.

11) For first playdates, plan for the playdate to occur outside of your home. It is best to keep it on neutral territory. As the children become more comfortable with each other (and you do as well), you may consider doing at least part of the playdate in your home.

12) Make a plan for a fairly structured schedule for the playdate (i.e. pick up, 1 hour at the zoo, ½ hr for lunch, ½ to play on playground, drop off).

13) Talk to you child about the plan for the playdate as much as you think necessary help him/her understand what will happen. If your child expresses reservations about the playdate, address each concern individually and talk about something positive that might come out of each one.

14) It is important to remember to keep it child-centered, so that if your child becomes very resistant to the idea of the playdate, it may need to be rescheduled or postponed.

15) Enjoy the playdate! It will be somewhat unpredictable so stay flexible. End it on a positive note, while both children are in a good mood (if possible).

16) Congratulate yourself and your child for stepping outside of your comfort zone!

17) Start thinking about the next possible playdate!

25

How to Tips for School Office Staff & Parents of Students with Special Needs

For Parents of Student With Special Need –1. Introduce yourself and your student with a special need to the school front office

staff. Because of FERPA laws (laws governing student privacy information), the office staff may not be aware of your student’s specific disability/needs. If you feel appropriate, inform the staff of your student’s disability/needs so they may assist your student better.

2. Develop a good rapport with front office staff. Perhaps on occasion bring a small gift or show appreciation by saying thank you and making sure they feel appreciated.

3. Give office staff any other information you feel pertinent regarding your student to help them communicate with/assist your student. You know your student better than anyone.

For Office Staff –

Be aware of which students have special needs. You may not be able to know student’s specific diagnoses, but you can know which student’s might have special needs so you can assist them and their parents better.

Take note of strategies modeled by support staff. Emulate what strategies they use to accommodate students with special needs and their parents.

Greet all students/parents in a friendly manner. Students with special needs and their parents are dealing with many stressful situations that other students may not have to deal with, and a friendly greeting may just make their day.

Be aware of social vulnerabilities of students with special needs. Many times students with special needs are bullied. Inform appropriate staff if you witness bullying of students with special needs.

26

How to Create a Social Encounter for Teens with Special Needs

Transitioning to the teen years can present a unique set of challenges for children with special needs. It’s important to remember that learning appropriate social skills is always a work in progress and it’s never too late to help develop meaningful social exchanges for your child or loved one.

Start by having an end goal in mind. Determine what your child needs from a social encounter. Is it to be accepted by typical peers? Develop a meaningful friendship with a peer of similar abilities? Learn appropriate social behavior for interacting with peers of the opposite sex? Or, simply develop socially appropriate skills? Once you have defined the goal you can begin the process of creating a meaningful social encounter. While your child’s goals and abilities will vary greatly from others, the most important thing to remember is to KEEP IT FUN! Encourage your child to invite 1 or 2 friends to an outing of common interest. Here are some suggestions….

Bowling: This is an activity that can be adapted for all abilities. Computers keep score, lane bumpers help reduce gutter-balls and bowl ramps are available for assistance with aim and release of the ball. Food and drinks are always plentiful in a bowling alley and you are surrounded by others having fun. Start with one game and if the group seems tired or overwhelmed , end on the success. If they are excited and energetic, you can always stay for another game.

Cooking Pizza Party: Host an evening at home making pizzas and watching a movie. This is a light activity with no physical obstacles and limited social demands, keeping stress and anxiety to a minimum. If the evening goes well you can add in a board game to keep the social exchange going. Otherwise stick with the plan, pop in the movie and enjoy eating the freshly cooked pizza.

Miniature Golf: This activity is also adaptable for all abilities and accessible for those with physical challenges. The game is relatively easy to comprehend, has limited rules, offers the opportunity for turn taking and encourages positive exchanges among the golfers. Most courses will also have a video arcade and snack bar so you can add-on other activities if the group seems up for more challenges.

Outdoor Backyard Games: Invite a few friends over to your backyard for a game of badminton, baseball or pool volleyball…just to name a few. Keep the games easy and non-competitive, don’t keep score and encourage participation and turn taking. Offer hot dogs, chips and sodas to keep your teens nourished and you just hosted an All-American social encounter for your teen.

Regardless of the chosen activity, remember to make it fun and end every encounter on a success! Positive social encounters will increase your teen’s confidence, build friendships and keep the other teens wanting to come back! Good luck and Happy Hosting!

27

Part III.

Information to share with parents oftypically-developing kids, educators and friends

28

Study Suggests a Special Needs Child is the Most Important Friend Your Kid May Ever MakeBy Ellen Seidman

Like many children, my son is friendly with the kids in his classroom. Unlike many children, those are his only friends.

Max has cerebral palsy and cognitive impairment, due to a stroke at birth; he attends a school for kids with special needs. The lack of typically-developing friends doesn't bother Max, who is not yet conscientious of it. It bothers me. Max is a super-friendly, fun kid who deserves lots of different friends-and lots of friends deserve him.

Of course, my friends' children hang with him when they visit. One of my best friends has arranged playdates with her daughter who's around Max's age, though she lives an hour away. The neighborhood kids are friendly when everyone's playing outside, but that's as far as it goes. Their moms have never reached out to me and vice versa, although I know I should take that first step. Friendship would benefit all our children, as a new study reveals.

A study of 1520 children ages 7 to 16 found that those who regularly interacted with people with disabilities generally had better attitudes toward people with special needs. They were less fearful of them, too, and more empathetic. Even just observing other people interact with those who had special needs, or observing their friendships, improved children's attitudes, shows the study by the University of Exeter Medical School in England.

These friendships could majorly benefit children with special needs like my son. They'd feel included instead of ostracized. It could boost their self-esteem, and even help them develop. It would open their worlds. Less obvious, I think, are the potential payoffs for children who don't have special needs. As study author Megan MacMillan said at the recent British Psychological Society conference, "The effort to improve attitudes is worthwhile, as negative attitudes are often internalized."

If your child doesn't ever interact with kids who have special needs, consider the benefits that go far beyond the usual gifts of friendship. Getting to know a child with special needs could open her mind so that she grows up to be more accepting and appreciative of individual differences. Having a "diverse" group of friends-important to many parents today-isn't just about kids of all races, it's about kids of all abilities, too. A friendship like this could also sharpen your child's communication skills, teaching her how to better interact with others. It could give her a deeper understanding of what it means to overcome challenges, and that everyone has their own unique value in this world.

I reached out to David Quilleon, a Vice President at Best Buddies International, to ask about benefits the nonprofit has seen for non-disabled friends (the group creates opportunities for one-on-one friendships for people with developmental and intellectual

29

disabilities). As an answer, he shared a letter he'd received from a chapter that operates out of a middle school in Tennessee. It noted, "Our student volunteers learn about leadership, community service, and most importantly, they become advocates for their new friend to be afforded equal opportunities within the school culture."A-men.

I think I speak for most moms of kids with special needs when I say we're not looking for pity playdates here. We're looking for genuine connections. Yes, it's going to take a little more effort on your part. You will most likely have to explain to your child why mine walks and talks differently than other kids. That said, you could also talk about the ways my child is the same to help bridge the gap-after all, kids with special needs are kids first. They like to play with toys, watch TV, eat ice-cream, listen to music, and tell knock-knock jokes - same as any other kid.

Perhaps you won't know exactly what to tell your child about my child. No worries there-feel free to ask. I most likely wouldn't have known what to say, either, before I had my son and became a first-hand expert on the topic. Parents of kids with special needs are not expecting you or your child to act perfectly. Perfection, as we we well know, is not reality.

Just think, think of all the good friendships like this could do. Then go ahead and encourage your child to approach a child with special needs at the playground-a simple "Hi!" is always a great ice-breaker. If you have a child in middle or high school, find out about local Best Buddies programs (they're nationwide), or look into the e-Buddies pen pal program for kids ages 10 and up.

You could also ask around at your kid's school, or in your neighborhood or social media circles, whether anyone knows of a mom of a child with special needs who'd like to arrange a playdate with your child. I know how grateful the mom would be, because I am that mom.

30

Top Ten Things the Classroom Teacher Needs to Know About Your Child with Special Needsby Nicole Eredics

If your child with special needs has been mainstreamed or fully included in a general education classroom, it is important that you communicate openly and honestly with the teacher about your child’s needs.

While special education teachers and outside agencies will meet with your child’s classroom teacher to share information, these meetings can often be brief, delayed, or worse yet, cancelled until further notice.

Therefore, It is necessary for you to monitor the information that is shared between your child’s teacher(s) and the support personnel, and then fill in any gaps. Between you and your child’s school, here are the top ten things that the classroom teacher needs to know about your child’s special needs:

1.  Special Needs/Learning Disabilities – what are your child’s special needs and/or learning disabilities? Provide information, tips and resources that are relevant to your child’s health and abilities.

2.  Assistive Technology – what types of assistive technology is needed to teach and work with your child? What has been used at school and what is used at home?

3.  History of School Support – What types of supports has your child received in the past? Has your child had a paraprofessional or ever been in a special education class? Has your child received outside support services such as speech and language classes or occupational therapy?

4.  Parental Support – how do you support your child at home? Do you help with homework, provide a fidget toy or play music in the background? Do you like to accompany your child on field trips or are you able to volunteer in the classroom?

5.  Social Skills – are there any concerns you have with your child’s social skills? Does your child interact with others successfully outside of school? Are there any areas that need extra support?

6. Friends – who are your child’s friends both in school and out?

7.  Academic Strengths – What are your child’s academic interests? Is there a favorite subject or special interest?

8. Areas for Improvement – What are areas your child has for academic improvement? Even though an IEP will be written and put in place, this is your chance to add any extra insight.

31

9. Extracurricular Activities – what activities, clubs and/or organizations does your child participate in outside of school?

10. Personal Concerns  – does your child need help with organization and planning? Is there a time of the day that your child works at his or her best? Is there an area of the playground that he or she loves to be at? Do you need more resources or advice on ways to help at home? Don’t forget to add any extra tidbit – it could potentially make all the difference in your child’s day!

Nicole Eredics is an elementary teacher who has spent over 15 years teaching in inclusive classrooms. She is also a parent, advocate and frequent blogger.  Nicole currently co-hosts The Inclusive Class Podcast , with Terri Mauro on Fridays at 9 AM EST. In addition, she has developed and discovered many valuable resources for parents, teachers and schools that she shares on Twitter at @Inclusive_Class and on Facebook at The Inclusive Class. More information about inclusive education can be found at www.theinclusiveclass.com.

32

“What’s Wrong with Him?” is Better Than “He Doesn’t Exist.”by Jo Ashl ine

We were just wrapping up our evening and putting our leftovers into our to-go boxes when she made her way towards me, her cheeks flushed, her eyes hinting at her humiliation.

“I’m so sorry,” she said.

At least, that’s what I thought I heard her say. We were at a local pizza joint with our sons’ baseball team, enjoying one last hurrah before the little league season was officially over; suffice it to say it was a bit noisy and crowded.

“Can you repeat that? It’s so loud in here!” I half-shouted at her.

“I’m so sorry!” she yelled back.

“For what?” Now I was confused. Why was she apologizing to me?

“Apparently my son went up to your son and asked him what was wrong with his brother. I’m so very sorry!”

And now I will tell you exactly what I told her:

I don’t want you to apologize.

I want your child to ask about my son Andrew; about what autism is and what having special needs means. I want your child to want to understand my child better.

I want your child to be aware that someone with special needs is in their presence, and I want them to seek out information from a reliable source, such as Andrew’s brother, or myself, rather than relying on assumptions and misinformation.

I want your child to feel comfortable asking questions and know they will get a straight-forward answer. I want your child to know it’s okay to be curious and, more importantly, that it’s okay be confused about why Andrew acts differently from the other kids.

I want your child to want to know.

33

Trust me. It’s infinitely better than the alternative, which is to whisper behind my son’s back in hushed voices filled with judgment that comes from fear and a lack of understanding.

I know it’s awkward for you as a parent; I know why you apologized. For generations, children have been taught that staring at someone in a wheelchair is rude and  if we see a blind person walking down the street we must quickly get out of the way and avoid making contact.

We encourage our children to be accepting as long as it’s from a safe distance, and in turn, we’re doing everyone a big fat disservice.

The tragedy is not in the diagnosis, or the bluntness with which a child may approach the situation and ask, “What’s wrong with him?”

The tragedy is in teaching children to stay away from those with special needs and mind their own business.

You can spot the kids that have been exposed to this way of thinking instantly: These are the kids who hover in the background and will look right through your child if they happen to get too close.

Do you know what that breeds? Intolerance. Fear. Hatred.  An Us vs Them mentality, and before we know it we’ve got another generation hell bent on thinking they’re better and more worthy than anyone who appears different or weaker.

I wish I were being dramatic, but I live this reality each and every day – the stares, the sideways glances, the curiosity hanging in the air so thick it’s almost suffocating. Yet so rarely does anyone take the initiative to come up and ask me about my son.

The few who do are usually children. They want to know. And I want to tell them.

My son Ian wants to tell them too, because his big brother is worth asking and talking about.

He’s ready to tell them about autism, and what it’s like to have a sibling with special needs. He’s ready to tell them how proud he is of Andrew every time he reaches a new milestone or tries something new and difficult in therapy. He’s ready to talk to them about the very first time he heard his brother say “Ian” correctly, or the fact that Andrew

34

loves to watch kids go down the slide while he stands off to the side and yells out “WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!”

So don’t apologize for the beautiful, natural curiosity of your child.

Curiosity leads to education and empowerment, something both of our kids will benefit from.

Instead, guide your children and teach them that it’s okay to ask. Give them appropriate language. Email me if you don’t know what to say. I’ll take you through it, step-by-step. Tell your children there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know more about the millions of things they don’t understand because knowledge is power and there are so many wonderful things to learn about our amazing special needs population.

When I’m out with my special needs son and I see your kids sharing the same air, playing beneath the same sun, giggling in that same carefree, uncontrollable way Andrew does, I see hope and I see opportunity and I see a very real possibility for change.

Your child will someday vote on the issues that are relevant to my child.

Your child will someday encounter my child on the street, in a Dr.’s office, at the beach, in a restaurant. They will either hurriedly walk past him or hold the door open and make sure it doesn’t slam in his face.

Your child will someday ignore or embrace my child, lift him up or tear him down, pretend he doesn’t exist or defend his rights as a human being.

Your child is the key to my child’s future safety and well-being.

So I’d love the chance to introduce them to one another, seeing as they’ll be inheriting the same world.

All you have to do is walk in the right direction.

Towards us.

35

Part IV.Templates

36

Letter of Introduction

37

Getting to Know Me Brochure

Get to Know: ____________

Communication:

Motor Skills:

Self-Help:

_______ Likes:

38

________ Dislikes:

39

Poster

40

Part V.

Recommended Books

41

42

43

Part VI.Suggested Resource Links

Social Skills ResourcesWebsites:

Watch Me Learn: http://www.watchmelearn.com/Video modeling tools for children with autism, developmental delays, and language delays.

Social Thinking: http://www.socialthinking.comMichelle Garcia Winner’s workshops, books, and products around cognitive, social, and emotional development.

Social Skill Builder: http://www.socialskillbuilder.com/“Social Skill Builder's series of innovative software programs use interactive videos to teach key social thinking, language and behavior that are critical to everyday living.”

Model Me Kids—Videos for Modeling Social Skills: http://www.modelmekids.com/ “Model Me Kids® videos demonstrate social skills by modeling peer behavior at school, on a play date, at a birthday party, on the playground, at a library, at the dentist, restaurant, and more. Real children model and narrate each skill. DVDs for ages 2-17.”

National Organizations:

Best Buddies: http://www.bestbuddies.org From the Best Buddies website… “Best Buddies® is a nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization dedicated to establishing a global volunteer movement that creates opportunities for one-to-one friendships, integrated employment and leadership development for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD).

Special Olympics: http://www.specialolympics.org From the Special Olympics website… “The mission of Special Olympics is to provide year-round sports training and athletic competition in a variety of Olympic-type sports for children and adults with intellectual disabilities, giving them continuing opportunities to develop physical fitness, demonstrate courage, experience joy and participate in a sharing of gifts, skills and friendship with their families, other Special Olympics athletes and the community.”

National Center for Learning Disabilities: http://ncld.org/parents-child-disabilities/social-emotional-skills/building-social-skills-resourcesFrom the National Center for Learning Disabilities website… “The mission of NCLD is to improve the lives of the 1 in 5 individuals nationwide with learning and attention issues

44

—by empowering parents and young adults, transforming schools and advocating for equal rights and opportunities. We envision a society in which every individual possesses the academic, as well as the social and emotional skills needed to succeed in school, at work and in life.

Local Recreation/Social Programs Phoenix:

http://www.spofit.org SpoFit’s mission is to provide exceptional adaptive sports, recreation, aquatic and fitness programs that promote the independence, health and overall wellbeing of people with disabilities and their family members. Kids Camps are offered to promote social opportunities for children with varying disabilities.

http://www.keenphoenix.org KEEN is a national, nonprofit volunteer-led organization that provides one-to-one recreational opportunities for children and young adults with developmental and physical disabilities. Programs are offered at no cost to families and caregivers. KEEN's mission is to foster the self-esteem, confidence, skills and talents of its athletes through non-competitive activities. Session coaches promote social interaction and friendship building skills to assist all athlete to meet their individual goals.

Books/Manuals for Parents/Teachers:

Children's Social Competence: Theory and Intervention by Melissa L.Greene, Jo R. Hariton, Andrew L. Robins, Barbara L. Flye This book discusses challenges with peer relationships and social skills in school-age children of varying abilities. Research is presented along with details of four training programs to assist children with peer relationships.

Skillstreaming the Elementary School Child: A Guide for Teaching Prosocial Skills by Dr. Ellen McGinnis! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !A hands-on guide for teaching prosocial skills such as asking for help, saying thank you, accepting consequences, using self-control, and dealing with group pressure. 60 skills are discussed in the following areas: Classroom Survival Skills, Friendship-Making Skills, Dealing with Feelings, alternatives to Aggression, and Dealing with Stress.

Practical Social Skills for Autism Spectrum Disorders by Kathleen Koenig !Describes principles and techniques for designing successful social interventions that are evidence-based, child-specific, and meaningfully integrated. Samples are presented using visual strategies and supports, scripts and role play, developmental play approaches, video modeling, peer mediated approaches, technology-based instruction, group instruction, self-monitoring strategies, parent-delivered interventions, and much more.

45

The New Social Story Book, Revised and Expanded 10th Anniversary Edition: Over 150 Social Stories that Teach Everyday Social Skills to Children with Autism or Asperger's Syndrome, and their Peers by Carol Gray! ! ! !How to develop and use social stories using Carol Gray’s ten-step learning module for teaching social skills to children with autism and other developmental delays. Includes tutorials that are perfect for parents and teachers.

46

Parent Led Social Skills Groupsby Robert Jason Grant! ! ! ! ! !A guide for parents of children with developmental disabilities providing tools necessary to create and lead groups for social skills development.

You are a Social Detective: Explaining Social Thinking to Kids by Michelle Garcia Winner & Pamela Crooke.! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !An entertaining comic book for children that teaches how to use our eyes, ears, and brains to figure out what others are planning to do next, are presently doing and what they mean by their words and deeds.

Thinking About You, Thinking About Me by Michelle Garcia Winner! ! !Addresses the issue of social deficits in students with cognitive learning disabilities and illustrates how to teach perspective using activities that can immediately be applied to the student.

Teaching Tools/Games for developing Social Skills

Social Skills Board Games by DidaxIncludes 6 different board games to encourage students to work together to improve their social skills.

Understanding Emotions: Flashcards for Visual Learners by Natural Learning Concepts Each high quality card includes a photograph on the front for labeling emotions and a description on the back describing how these emotions feel.

Books for Children

My Social Stories Book by Abbie Leigh White & Carol Gray

Knowing Yourself, Knowing Others: A Workbook for Children with Asperger's Disorder, Nonverbal Learning Disorder, and Other Social-Skill Problems by Barbara Cooper, MPS & Nancy Widdows, MS

Let's Be Friends: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Social Skills and Make Great Friends by Lawrence Shapiro Ph.D.

47

Contributor Biographies

48