basic laws of communication
TRANSCRIPT
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The Basic Laws of Communication
Lecture by Anatoly Ulyanov
The goal of the lecture is to provide information. If a person has the information, that means he is well
equipped.
The lecture is primarily intended for those who do not have any special experience communicating in social
networks, but are planning to start participating in them.
To start with, there has to be an objective. I have to have a clear understanding of why I am going into the
network, how, and so on. Every person has to make this objective clear for himself.
Secondly, Rav has said on many occasions that any action that wasnt prepared deliberately is pointless.
There is one very important law in psychology: The shift of the motive to the goal. When a person starts to
engage in a new activity, he does not have any motive. The motive is the inner spring that forces a person to
act. But a person has a goal. And when he works on this goal with the help of the efforts of will, theenvironment, discipline, and so on, then at some moment, a motive suddenly emerges. This is a very
important thing and we have to understand that its very important to learn to do this in social networks.
Let me repeat. Its very important for a person to understand why he is going there, why this is necessary.
His time has to be structured. And it has to be prepared so it wont be coming off the top of his head. The
efforts he makes in the beginning will provide the energy, called a motive.
A person who works on communication and socialization has to know that there is an effect called
communication burn-out. Stated simply, its when a person has socialized too much and simply cant
bring himself to enter a site, a blog, or another place and continue socializing. We have to be very watchful
of this and make sure that the amount of time and the quality of communication are programmed. That is,
you cant sit there for 24 hours straight. A person who does that might spend a month or two in social
networks, but after that we wont see him there any longer. We have to clearly trace the level of a persons
tolerance, of how much he is able to endure. This is an individual matter.
There are 3 signs that can help you tell that youve gone overboard:
1. You become more aggressive
2. You become disoriented: You dont know or understand how to do something (unless this is a
personality trait)
3. Psychosomatic problems emerge you literally start being sick.
If the communication is planned correctly, if a person treats it like work, then none of this will occur.
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Another aspect that is part of this communication burn-out is how I present myself when I socialize with
other people. In this regard, everything is simple. There is a misconception that it is possible to learn to
influence people using psychology, hypnosis, and other things of this sort, that I can become a magician or
wizard and everyone will listen to me. But thats impossible. People interact with one another in a
remarkable way and what happens is the following. In order to avoid a situation where you hang out there
for two or three months and then burn out, unable to come near there for years thereafter, its very important
to be authentic in any dialogue. Be genuine, be yourself. You dont have to lie or pretend you are someone
youre not. Besides, all of this gets revealed instantly because lying is obvious to everyone besides the
person lying. A person whos lying is sure that no one sees it, but actually, everyone besides him sees it.
This is an interesting phenomenon. Therefore, when we enter any communication, we have to try to tell the
truth, be as honest and sincere as possible.
One more very important condition related to this is to make sure you dont burn out. If a person pretends to
be someone hes not for a long time, then eventually he falls out of the communication and is unable to keep
socializing. This is true for any form of socialization.
The next highly important point is: What is my role when I come into contact with people? The first
question a person should ask himself is: What kind of relationship or interaction am I inviting people into?
This also has to be prepared because suppose I enter contact with people first, planning to figure out how it
will work later. In practice, usually things start to get confusing, difficulties arise, and a person is forced to
lose the contact. Its very important for a person to understand the boundaries: Who am I, what am I, what
do I want, and what kind of information do I plan on delivering to another person? This requires clear
understanding that becomes like an order.
The next point is: How do I present myself during the communication? Generally speaking, there are many
roles, but now we will talk about two of them: The role of the expert and the role of the regular user. If you
are not an expert in the area you are talking about, then you shouldnt say are because an expert is someone
who has the attributes of this status. He has knowledge, connections, and experience in this area. If you
dont have that experience, knowledge, status, and attributes, then dont present yourself as an expert. You
will be very quickly thrown off that pedestal and wont be able to communicate even on the level of the
average user. That is, a person must know exactly which area he is an expert in. If we are not experts in any
of the areas, then we simply present ourselves as regular users. We have to lose the moralizing, bossy tonethat might emerge. We have to simply communicate with another person.
When we communicate with other people, sometimes we encounter a feeling of abashment. In psychology
this is called a disintegrated state. What does that mean? After communicating with someone, I am left with
an unpleasant sensation, like residue. People immediately react to this state by thinking that they did
something wrong and that something isnt right. They start making themselves feel guilty or simply run
away from the unpleasant sensation. However, this sensation that you feel nasty and disgusting is
actually very good. This sensation of disgust is a sign that I came out of the communication in adisintegrated state. And thats all. So next I have to make certain efforts, become integrated, and move past
this state. Its like inhaling and exhaling, disintegration and integration. Dont get scared of these feelings,
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but dont ignore them either. If the communication leaves you with an unpleasant sensation, that just
indicates that you came out at a specific phase.
Unlike the rest of the world, we have articles, lessons, and so on, and we have a group, friends. These
instruments enable us to get our bearings together quickly and keep on moving. Moreover, the psychological
force that a person perceives as a lighthearted feeling arises by virtue of experience, which is something heacquires during the conversations. This is what we call a change of states.
This brings us to the next point: Experience. Experience is very important when it comes to communication.
A person can spend decades preparing at universities, but he wont advance anywhere until he enters real
communication. Therefore, the most important thing for us is to start communicating. Naturally, we will
make mistakes at first, and we have to record them, memorize them, and then discern them and find answers
to these questions.
The next point is: How do we address people, especially if we are planning to become the educators of the
generation? Psychologically, an educator is a person who is on two levels simultaneously. On one level, he
knows the information about the method that we convey. Moreover, he has to constantly expand this
knowledge and gather more information. And at the same time, a person is on the level of the people he is
talking to. Its like a dual existence. Rav has talked about this in various lessons and programs. We have to
remember that we are adults living on our planet, in our world, and we have to speak the same language as
the person we are talking to. We have to have a clear understanding of who we have in front of us and what
is the best way or language to talk to this person. This is something we learn from experience and by gaining
certain knowledge thats more specific. Experience is very important in this regard.
The next point is related to conflicting situations. When a person starts to communicate, it is inevitable that
he will enter conflicting situations, which may involve different forms of expressing aggression. When we
start to work on this and gain experience, we will discern and understand these things better through specific
examples. Aggression is a force of desire, so an aggressive person is a person with a big desire. But
aggression can be expressed positively as well it is informative, authentic communication. Its very
important to understand that aggression is not just when I curse out another person, telling him to go to hell.
Aggression can also be a joke, an anecdote, irony, or a stereotype (for example, all men are jerks). This is
also a form of expressing aggression. Its best for this to be written down in some way, and for these files to
be saved so later it would be possible to view them and work on the mistakes.
The next situation is called the law of succession. This is the main social law, which says: You said it,
now do it. Because of this law, people get themselves into unpleasant situations. Its best if we are aware of
this and understand that if the process has gotten too far, we have to stop it, break it off, and come out of it.
Its better to take a break and keep going at a later time than to drag things on. We have to internalize the
fact that each of us has the right to take a break, especially in virtual space. If you feel that something didnt
go right, then stop and thats all. You have to calm down, figure things out, and continue only after doing
that.
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Another very important point is this: When we begin our contact with someone and meet them for the first
time, its very important to keep the first contact clean. When a person comes into contact with another
person, he is somewhat split, and we shouldnt add anymore fissure because that way we will lose the
person. What does that mean? When we start getting to know a person, we shouldnt give dual messages. A
dual message is when I say one thing but I mean another. For example, a joke, an anecdote, or irony are dual
messages. Starting communication with a dual message is prohibited. In nine cases out of ten, you willsimply lose contact with that person. He wont even understand why he doesnt want to communicate with
you. We have to start clearly, directly, without any catches or double meanings. This is an important point
because there is also some personal information you shouldnt state about yourself. What I say and what I
dont say has to be decided during the preparation phase. I have to determine the objective of my
communication, what kind of interaction I am inviting a person into, what I want to achieve, and where I am
willing to stop.
Question: Sometimes a contact succeeds precisely because of dual messages. When you speak directly,simply the way you think, you might seem boring. But when you use jokes or dual meanings, thats when
the contact starts to grow on the person. Or is this not considered an initial contact?
Answer: I am telling you general principles, but of course there are exceptions. Theres one more layer I
would like to tell you about.
What is style, my personal style of interacting with other people? This style is individual and every personhas to find it for himself. For example, if I start joking around, I might lose even that one person who might
have remained with me after 5 minutes of conversation, but on the other hand, someone might like a
conversation much more if it includes a joke. In this regard its very important for a person to try out
different techniques and find the style that works for him. This is very important. The best style is your
personal style - authenticity. Dont copy anyone. Be yourself. This is very important when you
communicate. If you stick to this rule, it will make up for the other technical nuances. Besides, you cant
avoid making mistakes.
Rav has said that people dont want to know Why. They want to change their state. This is a fundamental
paradigm of our message: Trying to explain how something happens, why, and so on is the task of the
people working on content, whereas our task is to help a person.
There is one more important point that has psychological roots. We can enter contact either in a positive or a
negative vein. The negative way of communicating might work for some people, but in principle, it is one
more way to break off contact. We know that people feel a great lack of optimism, a smooth, calm, positive
attitude. If we transmit this message, it will make our communication with other people happen more easily.This is called a bluff because everyone goes through ups and downs depressions and manic states. Its
just that some people conceal this and appear self-confident, positive, while others dont know how to
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conceal it. Its like a game. But in our case, besides our ability to play, unlike many other people we also
have a reason to be joyful, and we can share that joy.
Question: Whats the best way to begin the communication in order to make the person like you right away?
Answer: If a person asks a question, it means he has some way of answering it. This is a law, a rule. If a
person asks you a question, you should immediately show an interest in what he thinks about it. This will get
a conversation going because again, people dont want to know Why, but they want to change the state.
An interesting person is not one who is a source of information, but one who has a reaction to what another
person says. That is, if a person asks a question, then you should ask him to say what he thinks about it, and
once he answers, its very important to give him your reaction. Even though the other person may have
talked for 10 minutes and you - for 15 seconds, he will come out of the communication thinking that you are
an interesting person.
Question: How can we smoothly bring the conversation back to the main topic if it strays to another one?
Answer: In order to constantly stay in your vein, preparation is extremely important. A person must know
exactly what goal he is pursuing, how, and what kind of interaction he is entering. This will happen easily if
we prepare for every action we make.
Question: Whats the right way to present arguments in favor of my point of view in order to convince the
person Im talking to?
Answer: You shouldnt do that. You shouldnt convince anyone of anything. Our task is to build a
relationship where a person will be left with a pleasant, gentle sensation from the contact. As soon as you
start wanting to convince someone of something, then you should immediately take a break, stop, and ask
yourself: What am I doing now? Rav has said on many occasions that there is nothing worse than trying to
convince a person of something. To convince means to impose your power. And at that moment, noinformation gets conveyed. Rather, the issue at stake is status: Whos smarter.
Question: Which topics is it best to avoid altogether? What boundaries are there? Which topics are clearly
ineffectual for communicating?
Answer: The topics are decided by the specialists working on content. But you should try to avoid
stereotypes. Most disagreements on national and racial topics emerge due to stereotypes. This situation isvery difficult to reverse if you said something without thinking. If we detach from ourselves just a little bit
and listen to people, conveying our message precisely in the language that the person uses, then there will be
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fewer questions like this. The answer to the question of Which topics should we avoid? comes with
experience.
Question: Which topics and game pieces will always win?
Answer: The topics that always win are relationships between men and women, sexual relations, and
childrens upbringing. Semyon Vinokur studied with Alexander Mita, who said that people are
interested in money, love, and death. I dont know if its worthwhile to get into that, but we do
have to know this information. And again, this is something that comes with experience,
preparation, and the purposefulness of the message we are giving.
Question: How can we learn to avoid going too far and saying something unnecessary, and stopping in time?
Answer: Every one of us has a right, and moreover, an obligation to take a break. Heres an example from
life: Have you ever been in a situation where youre driving a car and another driver dents your
car? In this situation the most important thing is to stop and breathe. A person who can take a
time-out in this situation will come out of it well, while a person who does not allow himself to
take a time-out will get into an unpleasant situation. This is true in everything. If you take a
break, then nothing horrible will happen. You have to calm down, think about it, and then take
the next step.
Question:I want to make sure I understand this. People dont want to know Why, but they want to change
the state does that mean we shouldnt explain why the crisis emerged, but only how to solve it?
Answer: When communicating with other people, we will have materials to disseminate which explain this
well, where the balance between why and how is expressed very well. When do we answer the question,
Why? This is an expert position. We have already said that a person must know exactly in which area he
is an expert. Heres another case. Suppose I am a PhD in psychology. I am considered an expert. I have adiploma and I start to talk. 9 out of 10 people will cross me out of the experts list just because they will
consider me a freak. And thats all. A position of an expert is very subtle. It is necessary to prepare for this
deliberately. There are certain laws in this regard. Therefore, its best not to do this at all, but to present
yourself as a regular user. Just talk to people, and through regular communication, unobtrusively convey the
information. But dont do it head-on. Head-on doesntt work. It causes resistance and the question, Who
are you, anyway?
Question: Does it make sense for every person to communicate with anyone? There are 30 of us here. So 20of us will communicate with 20 people, but at the same time we could be bringing the information to
thousands of people. Isnt this a step back?
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Answer: Its very important not to be fake. We have specific qualities. And the people who end up around us
have similar qualities. These are exactly the people we will communicate with. If a person has opposite
qualities than you, then dont force yourself and him, and dont continue communicating with him. Nothing
will come of this communication. If you are authentic, then people who like and understand what you are
talking about will gather around you. Our task is simply to expand this circle bigger and bigger. In principle,
there are not that many different personalities. There are about 20 types of people, so its not an infinite
amount by any means.
Question: Im not denying the need and use of personal communication, but when I spend an hour or two
talking to one person, I can be using that time to place information on 2, 3, or 4 sites that are visited by 50
thousand people. That way I can bring the information to 200 thousand people.
Answer: This question belongs the area of the people who will talk directly about the technicalities.
Question: What causes disintegration?
Answer: Disintegration is an unpleasant situation, or in simple words, when a person is puzzled. We dont
have experience of being in a puzzled state because we have always been taught to be in control of
ourselves. If we carefully read what Rav recommends to us in the area of childrens upbringing, he actually
suggests constantly ping-ponging a child, like an accordion, so he wont have that controlled, integrated
state. Because we grew up in a culture where we feel good when we are in an integrated state, we feel badwhen we are disintegrated. These are two states, like inhaling and exhaling. These are absolutely natural
states. When I come into contact with another person, I already have to be in a split state. Otherwise I wont
be able to come into contact with him. If we constantly attune ourselves to the fact that this state is normal,
then at some point we will stop perceiving it as bad.
Why does this happen? Its because we have a picture of how a contact should happen, but the actual contact
does not always coincide with the picture I had planned. And this difference creates an unpleasant sensation.
Accordingly, the greater the difference is, the more unpleasant it is. It cant be any other way. The only way
for me to be in an integrated state is by not communicating with anyone. When a person becomes
disintegrated, he goes through training, and that indicates development.
Question: I would like to understand the issue of aggression. You said it can be expressed through a joke or
an anecdote. What conclusions should I draw from that? That its not bad?
Answer: Its not bad at all. There is something called manipulation, which is when a person does one thingbut means another. We manipulate people all over the place. This is a very important part of a persons life.
But manipulation stops being manipulation when I understand that I am manipulating. Everything starts with
the goal: I want to bring information to a person in a certain form. One of the ways I might be able to do that
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is through a joke. It depends on what kind of form it will happen in. One important point here is that there
has to be an outward tendency. So aggression is not just when I call someone an idiot.
Question: We automatically tend to think that aggression is bad. So how can we understand what is good
and what is bad from the point of view of communication in social networks?
Answer: I think this is determined by the goal and the initial mindset. How it turns out is trivial. Looking at
the big picture, there is the goal, preparation, and authenticity.
And heres one more piece of useful information. Integration and disintegration in networks is called
trolling. And some of the people socializing in networks are very experienced at this. These people wait
for a new person to arrive so they could play him up until he literally feels sick. There are thousands of
examples of how to do that. And there are several places where it is possible to practice this. There,
everything is aimed at making a person run away.