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ShoplifterMy friend, the

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After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

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The Pony ExpressAt a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained

to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," shescoffed.

The clerk thought about it for a moment, then hisface brightened and he replied, "The horses are a lotolder now?"

ORANgE PEEl gAzETTE - KANE COuNTy EdITIONADvERTISING STARTS AT juST $22.00 PER ISSuE

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Childbirth After learning the Lamaze method of natural

childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with mywife.

It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finallyannounced, "I've got the head now; just a few moreminutes."

"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly. The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by

the ears."

late for Class At a prestigious university there is a clear hierarchy

that outlines how long one was to wait for a class tobegin if the professor were absent. A full professorrated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. Thissystem worked only one way, however; and studentswere afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor,the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when astudent, just out of military service, was late for classfor the third morning running.

"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what didthey say in the Army when you sauntered in late likethis?"

"Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "firstthey saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"

Tail light "How long have you been driving without a tail

light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in hishands.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to easeup on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take itso hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know whathappened to my boat and trailer?"

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The Sergeant"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewil-

dered private. "I suppose after you get discharged fromthe Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so youcan come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I getout of the Army, I'm never going to stand in lineagain!"

Found MoneyDave: "Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with

money down by the church."Steve: "Did you give it back?"Dave: "Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a

temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."


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Opee’s Interesting FactsEww! School Cafeterias Serve WHAT?

Prune burgers. Say what you want about adultswho live inside Washington's beltway, but give thekids a LOT of credit. The Department of Agricultureused the unwitting students at van Ness ElementarySchool in the nation's capital as gourmet guinea pigs.They fed them prune burgers.

Of course, they didn't TELL them they were pruneburgers until after the kids ate them--and discoveredthey actually liked them.

"The hamburger was good. It tastes like a grilledburger," said 12-year-old Mustafa Mattocks, who wasone of 20 students deputized as uncle Sam's officialtaste-taster. What's really sad is that Mustafa said theprune burgers--which are a blend of ground beef andprune puree--tasted better than the food usuallyserved in the cafeteria.

Why PRuNES? The uSDA is under pressure fromCongress to bolster produce prices. One way to dothis is to buy up surplus crops, which includes cranberries and prunes, and then give them to schools.But to make it work, they have to figure out a way touse cranberries and prunes as ingredients in food kidswill eat. uSDA did a similar test last year in Los Angeles.

The delicacies served to the innocent children included sweet potato pancakes (liked it), snack barsmade with dates and almonds (liked it), broccoli guacamole (a dud), asparagus guacamole (the ultimate dud), prune burgers (a hit), and pizza toppedwith prune sauce (liked it--amazingly). Oh yes, thegovernment now calls prunes "dried plums." ThoseWashington spin doctors...



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Maybe He Is a Van goghOne semester when my brother, Peter, attended the

university of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-studentfriend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait fora class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art studentpainted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a Cminus.

The art student approached the professor to ask whythe grade was so poor. The teacher told him that theproportions in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "Theshoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see theprofessor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, Aminus," he said.

The PrescriptionBecause of an ear infection, Little johnny, had to

go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little johnny, "Isthere anything you are allergic to?" Little johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it toLittle johnny's mother. She tucked it into her pursewithout looking at it. As the pharmacist filled theorder, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little johnny must have. Little johnny'smother looked puzzled until he showed her the label onthe bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Donot take with broccoli."

By the Book As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am

supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kittenadopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kittenin a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Whereare you taking the Book?"

I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet."She's getting neutered today," I told him.

"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

Math dyslexiaA worker returned from his visit to the doctor and a

colleague asked him how he made out."Not bad. The doctor told me that I have Math

Dyslexia."The other fellow said, "Gee, that sounds bad.""Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because

17 out of 5 people have it."


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Water in the glassA well-known proverb states that an optimistic

would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist wouldsay it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?•The BANKER would say that the glass has just

under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.•The GOvERNMENT would say that the glass is

fuller than if the opposition party were in power.•The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant

because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.•The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the

glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.•The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was

in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it behalf anything?•The PSyCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your

mother say about the glass?"•The PHySICIST would say that the volume of this

cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless,odorless liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thusthe cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each halfof the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.•The ENGINEER would say the glass is twice as large

as it needs to be.•The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass

doesn't have enough ice in it. ‘

Those SenatorsSenators William B. Spong of virginia and Hiram

Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending themass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival inHong Kong of the u.S. Table Tennis Team after its tourof China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out ofpassing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong DingDong Bell Bill.

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A Prayer For Moms and dadsNow I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my sanity to keep.For if some peace I do not find,I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quietFar from the daily family riot

May I lie back--not have to thinkabout what they're stuffing down the sink,

or who they're with, or where they're atand what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean--(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

yes now I lay me down to sleep,I pray my wits about me keep,But as I look around I know--

I must have lost them long ago!

A Really Bad PunA bill collector knocked on the door of a country

debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered

the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for

cotton." The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here

today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for

cotton." When he returned the third day he sarcastically

said, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died

yesterday." Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector

decided to wait a week and investigate the cemeteryhimself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ... "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

The Best Position For PrayerThree preachers sat discussing the best positions for

prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results

standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "you're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most

effective prayer position is lying prostate, face downon the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I

ever did was hanging upside down from a telephonepole."

Think you Know Everything?•Rubber bands last longer when

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STORAGESTORAGElittle Hardware Problem,

Big Hardware SolutionThis IT technician works as a contractor at a

Defense Department facility, where the data-securityrequirements are stringent.

"We occasionally have to destroy BlackBerries thatare too old to be reused," he says. "But there isn't avery good wiping process for these things -- at least asfar as the DOD is concerned with their precious secrets."

So standard operating procedure is to disassembleeach decommissioned BlackBerry and break the important components individually.

That's what the tech expects to do when a userdrops off an old device for disposal. But when he triesto crack the case, he finds that the tiny screw heads arestripped. Fortunately, a road crew is tearing up thepavement outside the office, and he has a good rapportwith construction guys.

"Can I get you to crush this? Thanks!" Crunch!Result: BlackBerry unit destroyed. Approved

destruction method: Backhoe shovel head plus pavement. No extra charge for embedding gravel intothe unit.

"I degaussed it too, just to be safe," says the tech."Then I brought it to my boss and told him that his

refurbished BlackBerry was just delivered."

May I Be Excused, Please!Three men were in the hospital waiting room. The

nurse came in and said, “Mr. Brown, you are the fatherof twins.”

“Now wouldn’t you know it,” said Mr. Brown. “Iwork for the Minnesota Twins.”

A little later the nurse came back and said, “Mr.Green, you are the proud father of triplets.”

“Well, wouldn’t you know it,” said Mr. Green. “Iwork for the 3M company.”

When the nurse came back, the third guy was put-ting on his jacket. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“I’m leaving,” the man said, “I work at the 7-upbottling plant!”

Skip-A-day diet PlanMr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put

him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5pounds."

When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor bylosing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did youfollow my instructions?"

Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought Iwas going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

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Put My 17 years' Experience Doing Chapter 7s to Work for yOu!

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No longer a KidEmailed to me by a friend who got it from someone

else who got it from someone else, etc.One person who received this list, indicated that

they started putting mental check marks alongside theones that applied to them ... until it started gettingscarry ...

SIgNS THAT yOu ARE NO lONgER A KId•you're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.•your back goes out more than you do.•you quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matterwho walks into the room.•you buy a compass for the dash of your car.•you are proud of your lawn mower.•your best friend is dating someone half their age .....and isn't breaking any laws.•your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.•you sing along with the elevator music.•you would rather go to work than stay home sick.•you constantly talk about the price of gasoline.•you enjoy hearing about other people's operations.•you consider coffee one of the most important thingsin life.•you make an appointment to see the dentist.•you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.•Neighbors borrow “your” tools.•People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"•you have a dream about prunes.•you answer a question with, "because I said so!"•The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near thetop of your pants.•you take a metal detector to the beach.•you wear black socks with sandals.•you know what the word "equity" means.•you can't remember the last time you laid on the floorto watch television.•your ears are hairier than your head.•you get into a heated argument about pension plans.•you got cable for the weather channel.(My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old FolksMTv.")•you can go bowling without drinking.•you have a party and the neighbors don't even realizeit.

government 101?Bambi, the blonde in her fourth year as a freshman

at uCLA, sat in her u.S. Government class.The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe

vs. Wade was about.Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "that was

the decision George Washington had to make when hedecided to cross the Delaware."


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Conditional devotion?An older couple regularly attended church. The

pastor was much impressed by how harmonious andhow in love they seemed. They always held hands allthrough the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn't resistgoing up to them to express his admiration. He said,"I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in loveyou are, even, after all these years, holding hands likethat."

The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's notlove, Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking hisknuckles."

The love BoatTwo friends are discussing the possibility of love.

"I thought I was in love three times," one friend says. "How so?" his friend asks. "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who

wanted nothing to do with me." "Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then

two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive womanwho didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?" "No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year

I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean.She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist.And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I wouldget this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

Want to appear in thenext issue of the

Orange Peel Gazette?

Call (815)751-1286



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$690,000 Question...jack Packard, Reggie york & Doc Long worked at:A) Zeneth Det. Agcy B) Acme Detective AgencyC) Ace Det. Agency D) A-1 Detective Agency

$691,000 Question...Orson Welles was the radio voice of which character? A) "Sam Spade" B) "The Shadow"C) "Nick Carter" D) "Philo vance"

$692,000 Question...Who was the man with the action-packed expense account?A) johnny Dollar B) Nero WolfC) Pat Novak D) Sam Spade

$693,000 Question...The characters of Nick and Nora Charles were theprincipals in the radio program, "The Adventures of; A) The Fat Man B) The Thin ManC) The Avengers D) The Black Mask

$694,000 Question...Who was "An enemy to those that make him an enemy,friend to those who have no friend"?A) Nick Carter ` B) Mr District AttorneyC) Philo vance D) Boston Blackie

$695,000 Question...What detective mystery show opened with, "Get this andget it straight. Crime is a sucker's road and those whotravel it wind up in the gutter, the prison or the grave"? A) Phillip Marlowe B) Nick CarterC) Sam Spade D) Nero Wolf

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Pandemonium Strikes Again When the ice-maker on our refrigerator broke, my

husband dropped by the local hardware to find thepart. Because the sun was so bright that day and theinterior of the store was dark, his eyes hadn't quite adjusted when he walked in. He accidentally steppedon the foot of a woman examining some samples. Shescreamed, causing my husband to jump sideways intoa display of fireplace tools that went crashing in everydirection. unnerved, he stumbled over to the servicedesk, and as he put his hands on the counter, heflipped over a bowl of marbles, scattering them everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there,"My refrigerator doesn't work."

She replied, simply, "I don't doubt it."

Talking dog A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is

a talking dog," he said, "and you can have him forfive dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There's no suchanimal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes."Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel.He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, nevertakes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trickdog in America. I performed before kings. I was in thearmy and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why doyou want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of allhis lies."

FOR AdVERTISINg, CAll MICHEllE AT (815)751-1286 Page 14


Hetts Auto SalesLooking for a quality used

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mission is to give you apleasurable buying

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Experienced Window CleanerResidential/CommercialMust be self motivated,

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Antiques and CollectiblesSally (630)945-6158

visit MANTIQuES SHOP721 S. Lake St, Montgomery

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lanza Masonry Inc.Brick, Stone, Tile

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Bill’s Custom ServicesInterior/Exterior

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Need help on your nextmove? you provide the

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Call Mark at Move Assist (630)788-5886 or visit

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China Cabinet, lawn Tractor, Book Case,

Hide-a-bed couch & more.Hampshire 847-683-9996

Handyman-Nails-ItHome repair/maint/improve

handyman-nails-it.com(630) 360-3039

Part time school bus driverneeded at Marmion Academyin Aurora. Contact Mike at

630-897-6936 ext. 212

Looking for serious peopleWork Home - Will Train

Travel Agents, Etc. PT/FTInterview: 630-766-8231

GArAGe DoorS

Driver positions with CDLClass A or B available with

a local freight company.Only those with a proventrack record, clean MvR,

flexibility and being a teamplayer need call: (847)417-7691

Fax (847)741-4141

Drivers: School Bus Septran Inc. – yorkville ILSeptran in yorkville has the

perfect part time job for you! We are now hiring: SchoolBus and suburban drivers

Must be at least 21 years ofage, be drug free, have no

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RON’S QuAlITy PAINTINgInterior - Exterior

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Next Issue: March 4Ad Deadline: February 20

AdVERTISE IN THE ORANgE PEEl gAzETTE

Call Michelle at (815)751-1286



Wanted to buy junk -Cars, Trucks, Farm

Equipment/MachinerySemi-Trucks Trailers

Free Pick upCASH ON SPOT!

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Cash Paid for Old Fishing/Hunting

EquipmentCall Tim (630)327-1557

Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable. Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories and

jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only andare not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange Peel Gazette for products or services offered.

Welcome Home provides people who have moved with useful community information and FREE gifts from localmerchants: all to help you become familiar with the area.

Call or Text For a Visit -Elburn - St. Charles Batavia - North Aurora Geneva/Mill Creek Batavia/Mill Creek

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Senior PersonalsFOXy LADy: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-hairedbeauty, slim, 5-4 (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matchingwhite shoes and belt a plus.

***********************SERENITy NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you arethe silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

*****************************WINNING SMILE:Active grandmother with originalteeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,corn on the cob and caramel candy.

*****************************BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still liketo cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and stilllike to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick,or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen tomy boss collection of eight-track tapes.

*****************************MEMORIES: I can usually remember Mondaythrough Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

I Buy Silver Coins1964 and under

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basic computer training+ “the hottest little paper …...2015/02/18 · oswego, il 60543 under...

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