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8/13/2019 Barriers to Recovering Intimacy http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/barriers-to-recovering-intimacy 1/28  1 Barriers to Recovering Intimacy Fife, S. T., & Weeks, G. R. (2010). Barriers to recovering intimacy. In J. Carlson & L. Sperry (Eds.) Recovering intimacy in love relationships: A clinician’s guide  (pp. 157-179). New York: Routledge. Intimacy is an important part of human experience, with intimate relationship being “the  principal arena within which adults live out their emotional lives.” (Mirgain & Cordova, 2007. p. 983). Many researchers have argued that we have an inherent, universal need for closeness and connection with others (Aplerin, 2001; Popvic, 2005; Sullivan, 1953), particularly within couple and family relationships (Downey, 2001). The prevalence of dating, coupling, courtship, and marriage across cultures attests to the seemingly universal desire to be closely connected to another. Intimacy brings satisfaction and “is often considered as the essential factor in adults’ health, ability to adapt, happiness, and sense of meaning in life” (Popovic, 2005, p. 35). In spite of the widespread desire for intimacy, some people find it difficult to create intimate relationships with others. Additionally, some couples in committed relationships may have difficulty holding on to intimacy, as it can be fragile and subject to change. It may be lost due to destructive relationship behaviors, such as infidelity or abuse. It may cool or wane because of distractions, neglect, or monotony. Although the reasons that couples seek therapy may differ, they often come seeking to regain the love and closeness they once had for each other. They may talk about the loss of love or connection in their relationship, and they may express frustration or hopelessness that intimacy cannot be recovered (Weeks, 1995). Treatment for lost or diminished intimacy focuses on both problem-solving as well as promoting growth (Weeks & Treat, 2001). It involves identifying and removing individual and relationship barriers to the recovery of intimacy as well as facilitating the development of deeper and expanded closeness and connection.

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Barriers to Recovering Intimacy

Fife, S. T., & Weeks, G. R. (2010). Barriers to recovering intimacy. In J. Carlson & L. Sperry(Eds.) Recovering intimacy in love relationships: A clinician’s guide (pp. 157-179). New

York: Routledge.

Intimacy is an important part of human experience, with intimate relationship being “the

 principal arena within which adults live out their emotional lives.” (Mirgain & Cordova, 2007. p.

983). Many researchers have argued that we have an inherent, universal need for closeness and

connection with others (Aplerin, 2001; Popvic, 2005; Sullivan, 1953), particularly within couple

and family relationships (Downey, 2001). The prevalence of dating, coupling, courtship, and

marriage across cultures attests to the seemingly universal desire to be closely connected to

another. Intimacy brings satisfaction and “is often considered as the essential factor in adults’

health, ability to adapt, happiness, and sense of meaning in life” (Popovic, 2005, p. 35).

In spite of the widespread desire for intimacy, some people find it difficult to create intimate

relationships with others. Additionally, some couples in committed relationships may have

difficulty holding on to intimacy, as it can be fragile and subject to change. It may be lost due to

destructive relationship behaviors, such as infidelity or abuse. It may cool or wane because of

distractions, neglect, or monotony.

Although the reasons that couples seek therapy may differ, they often come seeking to

regain the love and closeness they once had for each other. They may talk about the loss of love

or connection in their relationship, and they may express frustration or hopelessness that

intimacy cannot be recovered (Weeks, 1995). Treatment for lost or diminished intimacy focuses

on both problem-solving as well as promoting growth (Weeks & Treat, 2001). It involves

identifying and removing individual and relationship barriers to the recovery of intimacy as well

as facilitating the development of deeper and expanded closeness and connection.

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Barriers to Recovering Intimacy

Intimacy in committed relationships can bring tremendous personal and relationship

satisfaction. However, couple and family relationships can also be very emotionally challenging

(Mirgain & Cordova, 2007). In spite of its seemingly universal nature, several factors may

interfere with the recovery of intimacy once it has been lost (Downey, 2001). Intimacy has both

an interpersonal dimension as well as an intrapersonal dimension to it (Alperin, 2006). Problems

in one or both areas can become significant barriers to the recovery of intimacy for couples.

 Interpersonal/Relational Barriers

Many couples struggle with relationship issues that disrupt feelings of closeness and prevent

the rebuilding of intimacy. One couple sought therapy because they had drifted apart emotionally

and felt disconnected from each other. Another couple on the brink of divorce expressed doubt

that they could ever repair their relationship and regain the love they once had. When couples

complain that they have “fallen out of love” or they don’t feel as close as they used to, therapists

should assess for interpersonal processes or relationship dynamics that are inhibiting them.

 Neglect  

 Neglect is one of the most common reasons couples struggle to maintain intimacy. It can be

a cause for the loss of intimacy as well as a hurdle preventing couples from regaining intimacy.

Partners may divert essential time and energy away from the relationship and become

excessively engaged in their work, hobbies, children, or even other relationships. Couples who

fail to give the relationship time and nourishment on a consistent basis unwittingly create

 patterns of independence and disconnect.

A variety of factors may play a role in relationship neglect. Research shows that the number

of individuals managing heavy family and work responsibilities is increasing (Emmers-Sommer,

2004). Partners may become overly focused on the business of running a family (i.e., managing

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the household, taking care of kids, paying bills, etc.) and as a result, give up time and energy for

the marital relationship. They may also devote inordinate amounts of time to personal interests,

hobbies, or recreation. For example, we have noticed that clients often complain of their

 partner’s obsession with the internet, online chatrooms, or computer games. There also may be

detrimental effects on intimacy from busy or conflicting work schedules (Emmers-Sommer,

2004). Other outside interests, such as friends, charity work, sports, education, and so forth can

also take away from a couple’s time together. These are not inherently threats to a couple’s

intimate connection. However, when time and emotional commitment to outside interests

 become excessive, relationship closeness will suffer.

 Recurring Violations of Trust  

Because of the interdependent relationship between intimacy and trust, a violation of trust

will produce negative consequences in a couple’s intimacy. An obvious example is infidelity. A

violation of a couple’s commitment to emotional and sexual exclusivity has a negative effect on

intimacy (Fife, Weeks, & Gambescia, 2008). However, other types of betrayals can also damage

a couples’ sense of closeness. For example, not following through on commitments or going

against previously agreed upon standards may lead to emotional distance and decreased

intimacy. One husband consistently undermined his wife’s trust in him by spending large

amounts of money without talking to her first, despite his promises to confer with her before

making purchases. Each time he was caught, she felt betrayed and withdrew emotionally. The

repeated violations of trust hindered the development of greater closeness in their relationship.

Violations of trust may occur in other areas of life, such as with parenting, excessive

commitments to one’s occupation or hobbies, or when boundaries with extended family or

friends are inordinately open and diffuse. In one specific therapy case, a husband felt betrayed

each time his wife talked to her mother and sisters about the conflicts or problems within their

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marriage. He would get angry and withdraw emotionally. She would, in turn, complain to her

family about his emotional neglect, and the pattern would continue. As long as they persisted in

these destructive behaviors, they perpetuated increasing emotional distance in their marriage and

struggled to build the intimacy they desired.

 Maladaptive Communication Patterns

Although there are a variety of definitions and understandings of intimacy, most share one

 particular characteristic: “a feeling of closeness and connectedness that develops through

communication between partners” (Laurenceau, Barrett, & Rovine, 2005, p. 314, italics added ).

Therefore, it is no surprise that poor or ineffective communication may pose a significant barrier

to intimacy (Gottman, 1994; Laurenceau et al., 2005). Destructive communication may include

 patterns such as incessant speaking coupled with poor listening, ineffective ways of managing

conflict or problem-solving, persistent criticism, defensiveness, or cycles of demand-withdrawal.

Each of these may inhibit the rebuilding of intimacy for couples.

One couple seeking treatment struggled immensely with listening. Both partners constantly

spoke over each other, while disregarding their partners’ thoughts and feelings. The pattern of

mutual invalidation brought a loss of understanding and closeness in their relationship. Cases

such as this illustrate that intimacy may be blocked when one or both partners’ voice is

marginalized by the other. Research has shown that when partners ignore or invalidate each

others’ feelings, it has a negative effect on their relationship satisfaction and negates the effect of

 positive interactions (Laurenceau et al., 2005). When both partners insistently voice their own

 positions, while ignoring or invalidating each other’s feelings, each of them feels less and less

that his or her needs are being heard or taken seriously. Patterns of interaction that take this form

 promote emotional distance and create considerable obstacles to rebuilding intimacy.

In addition to invalidation, other destructive communication patterns can inhibit closeness

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and connection. For example, patterns of demand/withdraw have damaging effects on

relationship quality (Gottman, 1994). Intimacy may also be blocked by persistent defensiveness

or attempts to fix the situation, rather than listening to understand (Snyder, 2000). Partners may

have interacted with each other in hurtful ways, leaving emotional scars, including a hesitancy to

 be vulnerable with each other due to a fear of being rejected or hurt. Ineffective ways of handling

disagreements are also damaging. However, conflict itself does not preclude the recovery of

intimacy (Clinebell & Clinebell, 1971; Gottman, 1994). Whether conflict results in closeness or

distance depends more upon how the conflict is handled (Gottman, 1994). Gottman & Levinson

(1999, 2002) identified five processes of conflict that lead to decreased closeness in

relationships: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and belligerence. On the other

hand, conflict in which partners are supportive, warm, interested, and open to being influence by

the other deescalates problems and is associated with happy, stable relationships.

 Narrow or Differing Definitions of Intimacy 

Intimacy is commonly understood as being multi-faceted (Clinebell & Clinebell, 1970;

Mosier, 2006; Schaefer & Olson, 1981; Waring, 1981). However, couples may find it difficult to

rebuild intimacy if they define intimacy too narrowly or rely on only one dimension of intimacy

to sustain their relationship. For example, intimacy cannot be developed or maintained

adequately when limited to just physical chemistry or sexual expression (Mosier, 2006). One

couple in therapy defined intimacy in this one-dimensional way. Everything in their relationship

seemed to rest on the quality of their sex life. When they had problems in their sexual

relationship (their stated reason for coming to therapy), their whole relationship was a mess.

Another couple with serious relationship problems seemed to be limited to intimacy on a

spiritual level only. They reported sharing significant spiritual experiences together, but did not

connect in other ways. This posed a significant obstacle in their relationship, which eventually

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ended in divorce after less than a year of marriage.

Differences in meaning (Popovic, 2005) and perception of intimacy (Greef & Malherbe,

2001) between partners may become obstructions to closeness and connection for some couples.

Relationship partners may also have significant differences regarding the desired kinds of

intimacy and desired level of intimacy (Weeks, 1995; Schaefer & Olson, 1981). These

differences may constrain couples in their efforts to reestablish intimacy in their relationship. If

these differences are not openly identified and discussed, couples may experience unmet

expectations that contribute to loss of intimacy and create additional barriers to its recovery.

 Individual Barriers

Although intimacy is often defined as an interpersonal process, there is also an individual,

intrapsychic dimension to it (Aplerin, 2006, 2001). Certain individual struggles may create

 barriers that inhibit intimacy. Individuals have different capacities for intimacy (Aplerin 2006),

and not all people are able to have emotionally intimate relationships with others (Aplerin,

2001). When a therapist finds that a couple is having a hard time recovering or generating greater

intimacy, he or she should consider the possibility that one or both partners may have individual

issues that inhibit them from developing intimacy with their partner.

Fears of Intimacy.

A couple’s attempts to develop greater closeness and deeper connection may be undermined

 by a fear of intimacy. Individuals are often unaware of their fears regarding intimacy, and when

too much closeness occurs, they may unknowingly interact in ways that push their partner away. 

Fears of closeness may prove to be a significant barrier to recovering intimacy for some couples

(Martin & Ashby, 2004; Popovic, 2005; Weeks and Treat, 2001).

Fears of intimacy may originate in one’s childhood and may be related to poor separation-

individuation or inadequate differentiation from one’s family of origin (Alperin, 2006; Downey,

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2001). Intimacy requires appropriate personal boundaries as well as adequate individuation

(Popovic, 2005). Those who have not experienced sufficient separation-individuation may find

the experience of intimacy to be threatening and anxiety-provoking (Alperin, 2006).

A fear of intimacy can also arise from painful experiences in adulthood. Johnson, Makinen,

and Millikin (2001) discuss the construct of attachment injuries, which are characterized by

abandonment or by a betrayal of trust during a critical moment of need. An experience such as

this may result in a loss of trust and inhibit vulnerability necessary for intimacy. If individuals

have experienced attachment injuries in previous relationships, they may fear that new

relationships will only lead to the same kind of hurt. Likewise, attachment injuries between

 partners in a current relationship may also prevent the rebuilding of intimacy.

Weeks & Treat (2001) describe several fears related to intimacy. Although not an exhaustive

list, the following discussion may help clinicians be aware of common intimacy-related fears.

Fear of Dependency. Sometimes partners feel that they must be emotionally self-sufficient

and independent. In extreme cases, they may keep themselves constantly aloof from their

 partners, as if they do not need them at all. A fear of dependency may keep couples emotionally

distant, ultimately leading partners to live relatively separate lives.

Fear of Feelings. Intimacy often involves the sharing of feelings with one’s partner. Self-

disclosure, an important part of intimacy, might include the sharing of personal thoughts, beliefs,

and especially, feelings. However, some partners have learned to fear the expression of feelings.

They hide behind intellectualization, denial, or rigid beliefs of what is right.

Fear of Anger. Some people may suffer from a fear of anger. This may be manifest in two

ways: a) individuals may fear their own anger toward others, and b) they may fear being the

target of anger. Such individuals avoid getting too close in relationships, fearing that their

 partner’s or their own hostility and aggression may come out in destructive ways.

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Fear of Losing Control or Being Controlled. Healthy relationships include interdependence

and mutual control. However, some partners are crippled by a fear of losing control or being

controlled by the other. This type of fear has two levels of meaning. At one level, there may be

the feeling that too much closeness will result in a loss of control in one’s life. At a deeper

intrapsychic level, losing control may mean feeling engulfed by one’s partner. Those who fear

losing control vigilantly keep their guard up, limiting the possibility of others getting to know

them and hampering the development of intimacy.

Fear of Exposure. At the beginning of relationships, partners may limit what they choose to

disclose to each other. As the relationship progresses, couples typically increase self-disclosure,

which contributes to the development of intimacy. However, partners may stop at a surface level

of disclosure due to a fear that exposing oneself will be too painful or will result in rejection.

They may tell themselves things such as: “If they only knew who I really am or what I really did,

they would never love me or want to be with me.”

Fear of Emotional Vulnerability. Intimacy requires interpersonal vulnerability, which leaves

 partners susceptible to being hurt (Cordova & Scott, 2001). Many couples cannot recapture

intimacy in their relationship because of lingering relationship wounds, either from the current or

 past relationships. A lingering fear of being vulnerable may limit self-disclosure and inhibit the

development of intimacy.

Fear of Abandonment/Rejection. The greater the emotional investment in a relationship, the

deeper the pain experienced if the relationship ends. Individuals who have experienced the pain

of rejection or abandonment in the past may become overly sensitive to getting too close in

relationships. They may avoid close relationships altogether or keep their partners at a distance

in order to protect themselves and avoid further pain (Alperin, 2001).

 Maladaptive Cognitions and Unrealistic Expectations 

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Couples may also struggle to recapture intimacy because of maladaptive cognitions and

unrealistic expectations regarding intimacy and their relationship (Popovic, 2005). These are

often accompanied by negative emotions towards one’s partner, which foster emotional distance

and interfere with the recovery of intimacy. Dysfunctional beliefs may also lead to behaviors that

diminish or block intimacy (Kayser & Himle, 1994).

Kayser and Himle (1994) described eight dysfunctional beliefs that may result in avoidant

 behaviors and interfere with the development of closeness and connection for couples (e.g., “If I

 become close to someone, he/she will leave me.”). Other constraining beliefs may include “I’m

not lovable.” “My spouse can’t meet my needs.” “They won’t change.” These beliefs embody

several maladaptive thought processes such as all-or-nothing thinking, unfounded assumptions,

overgeneralizations, gender stereotyping, fortune telling, unrealistic expectations, and

discounting the positive (see also Burns, 1980). They also may be connected to or give rise to

some of the fears of intimacy described above. Beliefs such as these serve to constrain couples

from moving forward and making changes in their relationships (Wright, Watson, & Bell, 1996).

In addition to constraining beliefs, couples may be hindered in their efforts to regain

intimacy because of unrealistic relationship expectations or excessive demands (Kayser &

Himle, 1994). When expectations are not met, frustration may set in, leading to emotional

distance between partners. Spouses who are consistently told that their efforts are not good

enough may give up, concluding that any effort will be criticized or discounted.

Frustration over unmet expectations or demands may be grounded in an excessive focus on

one’s own needs, to the minimization or exclusion of the needs of one’s partner. Self-focus such

as this inhibits the development of intimacy, which requires a mutual awareness of each others’

needs and desires. Ironically, an excessive focus on getting one’s own intimacy needs met may

unintentionally undermine the development or rebuilding of intimacy for some couples.

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Treatment Guidelines for Recovering Intimacy 

Although the individual and relationship issues described above may limit couples’ abilities

to recover intimacy, there are effective ways in which therapists can help couples remove

troublesome obstacles and rebuild closeness in their relationships. Helpful interventions related

to fears of intimacy, cognitive distortions, unproductive expectations, communication problems,

and desired types and levels of intimacy can be used by therapists to invite change and facilitate

the restoration of intimacy for couples.

Therapists’ efforts to work with couples on rebuilding intimacy are often hindered by

individual barriers to intimacy. Therefore, Weeks and Treat (2001) argue that individual barriers

must be removed first before working on interpersonal processes, such as communication.

However, prior to addressing either individual or interpersonal barriers, the therapist must create

an environment in which intimacy-building can occur—one in which it is safe for clients to be

emotionally vulnerable with each other (Fife, 2004).

Safety

Intimacy requires a degree of personal vulnerability (Martin & Ashby, 2004), and in order

for couples to recover intimacy, they must (re)develop the capacity to be interpersonally

vulnerable and supportive with each other. However, the personal vulnerability required for

intimacy development may leave partners feeling sensitive to being hurt by the other (Mirgain &

Cordova, 2007). Partners who are struggling to regain intimacy in their relationship have likely

experienced a variety of painful interactions with each other in the past. As a consequence, they

may not feel that it is safe to be vulnerable or intimate.

Part of the therapist’s responsibility is to provide a safe, secure environment in which clients

can take personal risks with increased vulnerability (Popovic, 2005). The clinician’s empathic,

 patient, and caring interactions with clients will help establish this safe environment initially

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(Aplerin, 2006). Careful coaching and monitoring of partner interactions will also help them to

open up and be emotionally vulnerable with each other without experiencing negative

consequences. Although the therapist can help facilitate a safe environment, the source of safety

must ultimately shift from the therapist to the clients (Fife, 2004). Therefore, the therapist’s

efforts must be directed toward shifting safety from herself to the couple as soon as possible so

that they can create a safe, open environment for each other.

 Addressing Fears of Intimacy

In spite of their desire for intimacy, many couples have a difficult time increasing closeness.

Certain fears related to intimacy may be formidable obstacles for some couples. If couples are

not making progress in developing intimacy, Weeks and Treat (2001) suggest that the clinician

consider assessing for fears of intimacy using the Intimacy-Fear Awareness technique (Weeks &

Treat, 2001). This intervention is designed to invite to clients to recognize and acknowledge

 possible intimacy-related fears.

As the therapist begins the Intimacy-Fear Awareness intervention, it may be helpful to point

out that nearly everyone has some kind of fear of intimacy. Partners are then asked to think about

what fears each brought to the relationship. Therapists may assist in this process by suggesting

 possible fears they have noticed in the couple or intimacy fears that are common in couples (see

Fears of Intimacy above). A thorough therapeutic examination will likely reveal one or more

fears that can then be addressed.

As fears are identified, the therapist should help the couple work through each fear in

therapy. Several interventions can help couples deal with their particular fears of intimacy. First,

the therapist should normalize fears of intimacy. Letting couples know that others share their

 plight—and have successfully overcome it—can decrease anxiety and foster hope that change

can occur. Utilizing enactments (see description below) and encouraging appropriate

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communication, therapists can invite partners to talk about their fears with each other. They can

also share with each other what intimacy means to them and clarify the level or kinds of intimacy

with which they are comfortable. Couples can evaluate their strengths as individuals and as a

couple, as well as areas in which they would like to grow. An exercise such as this can unite a

couple in deeper understanding and empathy for one another, thus facilitating greater intimacy.

 Addressing Cognitive Distortions and Unrealistic Expectations 

Often, couples’ fears of intimacy are correlated with maladaptive thought process. When

cognitive distortions and automatic thoughts are part of the barriers to intimacy, therapists may

draw upon cognitive techniques and interventions to challenge clients’ negative or distorted

thoughts and help them recover closeness and connection. Cognitive interventions are typically

applied from an individual perspective. However, it is important to remember that a couple is an

interactional system, and the maladaptive thought processes are best understood and treated

within the context of the relationship system (Weeks & Treat, 2001).

Clients are generally unaware of their thought processes. Therefore, therapists may begin by

educating clients on common cognitive distortions and automatic thoughts and the negative

emotional and interpersonal effects these can have (Weeks & Treat, 2001). Then clinicians can

help clients identify the types of distortions and automatic thoughts they regularly experience.

Once identified, a number of interventions can be employed to challenge maladaptive thought

 processes and constraining beliefs (Kayser & Himle, 1994; Popovic, 2005, Wright et al., 1996).

For example, clients can be taught to self-monitor and challenge their automatic thoughts.

Once they are proficient at identifying their thoughts, efforts to challenge or change the thoughts

in a positive direction can be implemented. One effective method for this is the Dysfunctional

Thought Record (Dattilio, 2005). When a cognitive distortion or irrational thought is identified,

clients are to write down the situation, the automatic thought, the accompanying emotion, the

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cognitive distortion, and an alternative thought or response. Therapists then review the record

with clients and provide guidance to improve the effectiveness and success of their efforts.

Another intervention is to have clients examine the evidence for a particular thought (Week

& Treat, 2001). Therapists should help clients evaluate whether they know all the facts of a

situation or whether the facts or behaviors of their partner point only in one direction. Partners

may automatically attribute negative intentions to each other’s actions and unnecessarily take

offense. For example, one wife in therapy complained that when her husband came home from

work, he didn’t come in immediately and ask her how she was doing or how her day went. Her

conclusion was that he didn’t care about her, which was accompanied by feelings of sadness,

loneliness, and anger. The therapist encouraged her to examine the situation and consider other

 possible meanings or reasons for her husband’s behavior. In cases such as this, clinicians may

also challenge partners’ negative assumptions and beliefs about each other’s intentions.

Many couples also experience frustration and emotional distance due to unmet expectations

related to issues such as roles, responsibilities, parenting, finances, sex, etc. Sager (1976)

articulated three types of expectations that each individual brings to relationships:

1.  Expectations that the partner was clearly aware of and verbalized to the other partner.

2.  Expectations that the partner was clearly aware of but did verbalized to the other.

3.  Expectations that the partner was/is not aware of and therefore could not be verbalized.

Therapists may invite couples to evaluate their expectations by reflecting on these three points.

After careful, honest evaluation, couples should spend time discussing their expectations with

each other. This helps clients clearly identify and own their expectations, modify unrealistic

expectations, and learn to communicate and negotiate personal expectations.

Promoting Intimacy Through Communication 

One of the most common and effective means of helping couples rebuild intimacy is through

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enhanced communication. (Greenberg, James, & Conry, 1988; Weeks, Gambescia, and Jenkins,

2003). Couples must learn to break old patterns and establish new ways of communicating

(Popovic, 2005). One method of helping clients improve communication is through increasing

their awareness of destructive communication patterns that have developed. Therapists may

educate clients about the circular nature of communication and help them gain an understanding

of how each person participates in the harmful cycle.

In order to facilitate awareness and understanding, therapists begin by asking clients to

describe their interactions. Subsequent questions should draw out information about clients’

thoughts, feelings, and verbal/non-verbal behavior. Utilizing circular diagrams, therapists can

draw out a couple’s unique communication cycle (highlighting the thoughts, feelings, and

 behavior of each partner) and underscore the interconnected nature of their interactions. This

should be followed by a discussion of what each can do differently so that communication brings

them together, rather than pushing them apart.

For most couples, developing new communication patterns that build intimacy requires

more than just an awareness or intellectual understanding of their ineffective ways of interacting.

Therapy must also facilitate new ways of couples communicating in vivo, meaning through their

lived experience with each other. An effective method of promoting intimacy through

communication is the use of enactments, as described by Butler and colleagues (Butler &

Gardner, 2003; Davis & Butler, 2004; Butler, Davis, & Seedall, 2008). Enactments are therapist-

coached couple interactions designed to promote effective communication and greater intimacy.

Enactments encourage cognitive and emotional self-disclosure, which when accompanied by

compassionate listening and validation, facilitate mutual softening and greater intimacy

(Greenberg, James, & Conry, 1988; Waring, 1981; Weeks, 1995).

Davis and Butler (2004) provide a detailed clinical description of how to guide couples

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through successful enactments. Enactments emphasize both the speaker and listener’s roles, and

a thorough description of each partner’s responsibility is critical to the success of the

intervention. The therapist may also ask the clients to move their chairs or shift sitting position

so they can face each other and look each other in the eye while communication. The content for

discussion should be carefully chosen and be consistent with the couple’s goals for therapy.

When describing the speaker’s role, the therapist should emphasize the importance of

emotional self-disclosure and avoiding accusations or criticism. However, self-disclosure alone

is not sufficient for an effective enactment; careful, compassionate listening is also essential.

“For the interaction to be experienced as intimate by the speaker, the speaker must also perceive

the listener’s responses as demonstrating understanding, acceptance, validation, and care (i.e.,

 perceived partner responsiveness)” (Laurenceau et al., 2005, p. 315). Because of the importance

of partner responsiveness, the listener’s role should also be carefully explained and emphasized

to clients. Snyder (2000) suggests that empathic listening requires one to temporarily set aside

one’s own perspective to focus on understanding the perspective and lived experience of the

other. It entails “listening to the other and then reflecting the essential feelings, meanings,

intentions, and desires of the other’ (Snyder, 2000, p. 40). The listener should also be encouraged

to seek correction and clarification from the speaker and to continue to reflect until it is clear that

the speaking partner feels understood. Genuine, responsive listening leads to softening and is

likely to be reciprocated between partners.

Butler and Gardner (2003) stress that therapists should structure enactments in relation to the

emotional reactivity and volatility of couples and their ability to sustain self-reliant couple

dialogue. The authors present a five-stage developmental model to guide therapists in this

 process, which includes: shielded enactments, buffered enactments, face-to-face talk-turn

enactments, episode enactments, and autonomous relationship enactments. Because enactments

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are used to promote self-reliant client interaction, the therapist generally stays engaged in the

 process but on the side-lines as a coach. When necessary, the therapist may interrupt, point out

what is going well, and offer suggestions for more effective sharing or listening. For couples

who are emotionally reactive and cannot effectively communicate directly with each other, the

initial communication is channeled through the therapist. As couples improve in their ability to

speak and listen effectively, clinicians decrease personal involvement as a mediator and direct

the clients to greater autonomous interaction. At the conclusion of the interaction, therapists

should ask couples to reflect on the process by highlighting how they felt, what went well, what

could be done better, and how they can utilize this process in communications outside of therapy.

 Intimacy Exercises

In addition to addressing communication and barriers to intimacy, couples may benefit from

additional exercises specifically designed to facilitate intimacy. Part of helping couples develop

intimacy is to invite them to define what intimacy means and what behaviors will lead to greater

feelings of intimacy in their relationship (Weeks, 1995). Some may have a difficult time

articulating what intimacy means. Others may have a good idea of what it is and what they desire

 personally but may not know what it means to their partner. There are two exercises that may

help couples assess their current level of intimacy, consider aspects of intimacy that are

important to them, and identify helpful changes or improvements.

 Exercise 1: Aspects of Intimacy. As discussed above, intimacy is a multi-faceted

 phenomenon, and intimate interaction occurs in a number of dimensions. The Aspects of Intimacy

handout (see Appendix A) provides a helpful framework for a therapeutic discussion of intimacy

that emphasizes its multi-dimensional nature. Therapists can utilize the Aspects of Intimacy

handout for a number of different purposes. It can be used to educate couples about the notion

that intimacy is multi-dimensional and help them broaden their definition of intimacy beyond

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one particular dimension. It can also be used to facilitate an examination of their present level of

intimacy and understand the areas that are most important to them individually. Furthermore, it

can help individuals develop a better understanding of their partner’s definition of intimacy and

changes they desire. Finally, it can be used to engage partners in a conversation of what they can

do to build greater intimacy in their relationship.

Therapists can facilitate a discussion between partners in which they share their reflections

with each other in an open, non-defensive way. Couples will likely find that some of their

answers differ. In the areas that are different, therapists help clients seek to understand how the

individual feels about that are of intimacy personally, why that particular aspect of intimacy is

important to their partner, what changes he or she desire, and what behaviors can help bring

about greater intimacy in these areas. Therapists should encourage couples to develop specific

 plans to strengthen intimacy in their relationship. Asking them to reflect on what has brought

closeness for them in the past is a good place to start. They may find that they already have a

number of intimacy-enhancing activities in their repertoire. Therapists may also brainstorm with

clients and offer suggestions to for additional behaviors that would enhance their intimacy or

closeness. Some activities may target more than one aspect of intimacy at a time, thus building

intimacy that is multi-dimensional. One couple in therapy found the idea of intimacy having

multiple aspects to be very liberating. They embraced the definition of intimacy as an experience

of connection, closeness, and sharing with each other in a variety of ways. It provided hope by

helping the couple see that had experienced closeness in ways that they had not previously

defined as intimate. It also brought greater understand of what behaviors and experiences bring

closeness and show love for each other.

 Exercise 2: Intimacy Program

Another method of assessment and intervention with couples is the Intimacy Program

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(Appendix B). Like the Aspects of Intimacy handout, the Intimacy Program has several

 purposes. It can be used to help couples a) examine their present level of intimacy, b) develop a

 better understanding of their partner’s definition of intimacy and any desired changes, and c)

engage clients in conversations of what they can do to build greater intimacy in their

relationship. The Intimacy Program begins by having partners independently fill out a worksheet

designed to invite their reflection on several different constructs related to intimacy. The

worksheet is used initially to explore partners’ current evaluation of intimacy in their

relationship. The couple’s answers and evaluations serve as a framework for subsequent work in

therapy. Because of the detailed nature of the worksheet, going through the Intimacy Program is

likely to require multiple sessions.

The Intimacy Program begins with Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, which emphasizes

three components of love: commitment, intimacy, and passion (1986, 1997). The clinician should

note the similarities and discrepancies in the couples’ answers. When there are discrepancies, the

therapist needs to guide the couple toward an understanding of each others’ desires and

developing agreed upon behaviors that can help enrich those areas deemed to be lacking.

Therapists continue the Intimacy Program by reviewing the couple’s answers regarding the

seven components of intimate interaction (L’Abate, 1977, 1999). Couples should discuss their

evaluation and ideas about each item so that they have a better understanding of the other

 person’s views. Therapists should then facilitate a discussion of how to move from a conceptual

understanding to behavioral application of their ideas about intimacy. In other words, what can

the couple do to increase intimacy? Clinicians should help couples be accountable by following

up on their progress in subsequent sessions. In addition, an affective component may be included

 by asking partners to describe how they felt when they experienced some of the intimacy

 behaviors (Weeks & Treat, 2001). Therapists may also ask clients to discuss their feelings

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toward their partner in light of the efforts they have made.

Clinicians may review with couples their ratings of the seven types of intimacy (Shaefer &

Olson, 1981) and the eight facets of intimacy (Waring, 1984) in much the same way as the seven

components of intimate interaction. Therapists should facilitate an open, non-defensive

discussion of partners’ answers and their ideas about the different types of intimacy. A major

focus of the therapist’s efforts should be on helping partners listen empathically to each other. As

couples identify ways to rebuild intimacy and as they follow through on their commitments, they

will experience greater closeness and connection in their relationship.

 Homework Assignments

Out-of-session change is a critical aspect of client progress in therapy (Fife, 2004).

Therefore, no matter what successes couples have with recovering intimacy during therapy

sessions, clinicians must help clients continue to work and grow in between visits (Dattilio, 205).

The sections above describe several methods of encouraging out-of-session work for couples.

Homework assignments should help clients identify mutually enjoyable activities that target

specific facets of intimacy and promote closeness and connection in their relationship. Following

through with assignments will help couples build on the gains experienced during therapy

sessions and establish a level of independence and self-reliance that is essential to their continued

growth beyond the successful completion of therapy. Therapists should be diligent in following-

up with clients on homework assignments and ask them to describe the outcomes of their efforts.

In cases in which clients did not follow through with their assignments, therapists should help

them examine what prevented completion of the assignment and ways in which these obstacles

can be removed.

Time Together: Quality and  Quantity

It is clear that relationship neglect will prevent couples from regaining lost or diminished

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intimacy. Couples must spend time together to nourish the relationship and build intimacy. There

is no adequate substitute for time. As most would suspect, research indicates that quality time

together positively affects intimacy (Emmers-Sommer, 2004). Quality time is defined as

“focused, uninterrupted time with partners…[and] should provide the opportunity for meaningful

conversations and the chance to do worthwhile activities together (Emmers-Sommer, 2004, p.

401). Some couples, however, have bought into to the myth that quality time, but not necessarily

quantity, is sufficient for building and maintaining close relationships. Research contradicts this

assumption, showing that quantity is also critical, particularly in the case of relationship

development or repair (Emmers-Sommers, 2004).

It appears that neither quantity nor quality time alone is sufficient. Both are critical for the

development of intimacy. Therefore, couples must  set aside the time necessary to (re)construct

intimacy. One couple seen in therapy consistently failed to follow through on relationship-

 building assignments. When asked about this pattern, they replied that they just did not have

time. Not surprisingly, they failed to experience the relationship growth that they desired from

therapy. In order to recapture intimacy, couples must make spending time together a top priority.

This may require adjusting work commitments, setting boundaries with friends and extended

family, limiting time on the internet or engaging in hobbies, or turning off the TV.

Celebrating Successes

With all clinical efforts to help couples recover intimacy, it is important to help them see and

acknowledge the efforts and successes they are experiencing. Efforts that remain unnoticed will

have only minimal (if any at all) positive effect on a couple’s intimacy. However, successes that

are recognized and celebrated will likely have a positive, reciprocal, and generative effect on

couples’ progress (Fife, 2004). Therapists may ask couples questions such as, “What were some

experiences or times during the past week in which you felt close or connected?” Asking couples

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to elaborate on what they did that contributed to moments of closeness will help solidify the

gains that they are making (Fife, 2004; Wright et al., 1996). When working with couples on

 building intimacy, we often tell them that we will ask about their experiences of closeness at the

 beginning of the next session. Knowing that they will be expected to report back next week has

the effect of focusing their attention and raising their awareness of times of closeness and sharing

with their partner. Successful experiences with intimacy will create hope for future connection

and closeness.

Conclusion

Couples often seek therapy for the purpose of eliminating their problems. However, as

therapy progresses, it often expands to include intimacy enhancement and relationship building

(Weeks, 1995). Whether it is a primary or secondary reason for couples seeking treatment,

therapists’ work with couples will often include developing, enhancing, or restoring intimacy.

Regaining intimacy may be extremely challenging for some couples, given the possible neglect

and/or damage that may have occurred. Knowing common individual and relational barriers to

recovering intimacy can help clinicians identify possible roadblocks that are hindering couples

from rebuilding the closeness and connection they desire. Therapists may implement a variety of

effective interventions to help couples reconstruct intimacy in their relationship and plan for

continued growth beyond therapy. Therapists may also integrate ideas presented in this chapter

to supplement their work with couples who seek treatment for other problems.

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Appendix A

Aspects of Intimacy in Marriage 

Review the list and identify the top 2-5 aspects of intimacy that are strengths for you as a couple. Also, note 2-

3 areas in which you would like improvement or growth. Share your reflections with each other in an open,non-defensive way. In the areas where you both desire improvement, discuss specific steps which can be taken

to increase closeness in your relationship. You will likely find that some of your answers differ. In those areasin which your partner wants improvement, seek to understand why that particular aspect of intimacy isimportant to them, what changes they desire, and what you can do to help intimacy grow. In areas where you

are both satisfied, congratulate each other. Most successful relationships have a few (but certainly not all)core areas of intimacy that help keep the relationship strong. (Note: some items adapted from Schaefer &

Olson, 1981)

Aesthetic Intimacy  Sharing experiences of beauty — music, nature, art, theater, dance, etc. 

Communication

Intimacy 

Connecting through talking. Keeping communication channels open. Listening to and

valuing your spouse’s ideas. Being loving, compassionate, respectful, giving, truthful,

and open in your communication. 

Conflict Intimacy Facing and struggling with differences together. Using resolution of conflict to grow

closer together. Creative Intimacy 

Experiencing closeness through acts of creating together. Sharing expressions of love

in creative ways.

Crisis Intimacy Developing closeness in dealing with problems and pain. Standing together in

tragedies. Responding together in a united way to pressures of life such as workingthrough problems, raising a family, illness, aging, etc. 

Emotional Intimacy Feeling connected at an emotional level. Being in tune with each other’s emotions;

 being able to share significant meanings and feelings with each other, includingnegative feelings. 

Financial Intimacy Working together to balance differing attitudes about money. Developing a unified

 plan for budgeting, spending, and saving. Having shared financial goals. 

Forgiveness Intimacy Apologizing to each other. Asking for forgiveness. Asking your spouse, “What can Ido to be a better husband/wife?” 

Friendship Intimacy  Feeling a close connection and regard for one another as friends. 

Humor Intimacy Sharing through laughing together. Having jokes between the two of you that only you

share. Making each other laugh. Enjoying the funny side of life. 

Intellectual Intimacy Experiencing closeness through sharing ideas. Feeling mutual respect for each other’s

intellectual capacities and viewpoints. Sharing mind-stretching experiences. Reading,discussing, studying together. 

Parenting Intimacy Sharing the responsibilities of raising children, including providing for their physical,

emotional, and spiritual needs. Includes working together in teaching and disciplining

them as well as loving them and worrying about their welfare. 

Physical Intimacy Closeness and sharing through physical touch. Experiencing your physical relationship

(including sexual intimacy) with joy, fun, and a sense of becoming one. Being openand honest with each other in terms of desires and responses. 

RecreationalIntimacy 

Experiencing closeness and connection through fun and play. Helping each otherrejuvenate through stress-relieving and enjoyable recreation together. 

Service Intimacy Sharing in acts of service together. Growing closer as a couple as you experience the

 joy that comes from giving to others. 

Spiritual Intimacy  Discovering and sharing values, religious views, spiritual feelings, meaning in life, etc. 

Work Intimacy Experiencing closeness through sharing common tasks, such as maintaining a houseand yard, raising a family, earning a living, participating in community affairs, etc. 

Intimacy  Additional areas of intimacy in your relationship.Copyright © 2007 Stephen T. Fife. Used with permission of the author.

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Appendix B

INTIMACY PROGRAM

I. Sternberg’s Triangle of Love:

(adapted from Sternberg (1986, 1997))

 Do I desire a relationship that includes:

1.  Commitment:Yes No My notion of commitment includes: __________________

 _______________________________________________________________________

2.  Intimacy:  Yes No My notion of intimacy includes: _____________________

 _______________________________________________________________________

3.  Passion:  Yes No My notion of passion includes: ______________________

 _______________________________________________________________________

 Assuming Yes on all of the above three, what level of intensity is important to you for each?

 Not Very

Important

Somewhat

Important

Very

Important

1. Commitment 1 2 3 4 5

2. Intimacy 1 2 3 4 5

3. Passion 1 2 3 4 5

 How do you express these three components of love in your relationship?

Commitment: _________________________________________________________________

 _____________________________________________________________________________

Intimacy: _____________________________________________________________________

 _____________________________________________________________________________

Passion: ______________________________________________________________________

 _____________________________________________________________________________

What does your partner perceive that you contribute to the relationship?

Commitment: _________________________________________________________________

 _____________________________________________________________________________

Intimacy: _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________

Passion: ______________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________

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