Bad College Essays: 10 Mistakes You Must Avoidblog.prepscholar.com/bad-college-essays

Just as there are noteworthy examples of excellent college essays that admissions officeslike to publish, so are there cringe-worthy examples of terrible college essays that end upbeing described by anonymous admissions officers on Reddit discussion boards.

While I won’t guarantee that your essay will end up in the first category, I will say that youfollow my advice in this article, your essay most assuredly won’t end up in the second. Howdo you avoid writing a bad admissions essay? Read on to find out what makes an essay badand to learn which college essay topics to avoid. I'll also explain how to recognize bad collegeessays – and what to do to if you end up creating one by accident.

What Makes Bad College Essays BadWhat exactly happens to turn a college essay terrible? Just as great personal statementscombine an unexpected topic with superb execution, flawed personal statements compoundproblematic subject matter with poor execution.

Problems With the Topic

The primary way to screw up a college essay is to flub what the essay is about or how you’vedecided to discuss a particular experience. Badly chosen essay content can easily create anessay that is off-putting in one of a number of ways I’ll discuss in the next section.

The essay is the place to let the admissions office of your target college get to know yourpersonality, character, and the talents and skills that aren’t on your transcript. So if you startwith a terrible topic, not only will you end up with a bad essay, but you risk ruining the goodimpression that the rest of your application makes.

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Some bad topics show admissions officers that you don’t have a good sense of judgment ormaturity, which is a problem since they are building a class of college students who haveto be able to handle independent life on campus.

Other bad topics suggest that you are a boring person , or someone who doesn’t process yourexperience in a colorful or lively way, which is a problem since colleges want to create adynamic and engaged cohort of students.

Still other bad topics indicate that you're unaware of or disconnected from the outside worldand focused only on yourself, which is a problem since part of the point of college is toengage with new people and new ideas, and admissions officers are looking for people whocan do that.

Problems With the Execution

Sometimes, even if the experiences you discuss could be the foundation of a great personalstatement, the way you’ve structured and put together your essay sends up warning flags.This is because the admissions essay is also a place to show the admissions team thematurity and clarity of your writing style.

One way to get this part wrong is to exhibit very faulty writing mechanics , like unclear syntaxor incorrectly used punctuation. This is a problem since college-ready writing is one of thethings that’s expected from a high school graduate.

Another way to mess this up is to ignore prompt instructions either for creative or carelessreasons. This can show admissions officers that you're either someone who simply blows offdirections and instructions or someone who can't understand how to follow them. Neither is agood thing, since they are looking for people who are open to receiving new information fromprofessors and not just deciding they know everything already.

Ignoring directions to this degree is not creative, just annoying.

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College Essay Topics To AvoidWant to know why you're often advised to write about something mundane and everyday foryour college essay? That's because the more out-there your topic, the more likely it is tostumble into one of these trouble categories.

Too Personal

The problem with the overly personal essay topic is that revealing something very private canshow that you don’t really understand boundaries. And knowing where appropriateboundaries are will be key for living on your own with a bunch of people not related to you.

Unfortunately, stumbling into the TMI zone of essay topics is more common than you think.One quick test for checking your privacy-breaking level: if it’s not something you’d tell afriendly stranger sitting next to you on the plane, maybe don’t tell it to the admissions office.

Examples:

Describing losing your virginity, or anything about your sex life really. This doesn’tmean you can’t write about your sexual orientation – just leave out the actual physicalact.

Writing in too much detail about your illness, disability, any other bodily functions.Detailed meaningful discussion of what this physical condition has meant to you andyour life is a great thing to write about. But stay away from body horror and graphicdescriptions that are simply there for gratuitous shock value.

Waxing poetic about your love for your significant other. Your relationship is adorableto the people currently involved in it, but those who don't know you aren't invested inthis aspect of your life.

Confessing to odd and unusual desires of the sexual or illegal variety. Your obsessionwith cultivating cacti is wonderful topic, while your obsession with researchingexplosives is a terrible one.

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Some secrets are better behind lockand key. Or behind industrialstrength rack and pinion matchingmachined gears and pressure bolt.

Too Revealing of Bad Judgment

Generally speaking, leave past illegal or immoral actions out of your essay . It's simply a badidea to give admissions officers ammunition to dislike you.

Some exceptions might be if you did something in a very, very different mindset from the oneyou’re in now (in the midst of escaping from danger, under severe coercion, or when you werevery young, for example). Or if your essay is about explaining how you've turned over a newleaf and you have the transcript to back you up.

Examples:

Writing about committing crime as something fun or exciting. Unless it's on yourpermanent record, and you'd like a chance to explain how you've learned your lessonand changed, don't put this in your essay.

Describing drug use or the experience of being drunk or high. Even if you're in a statewhere some recreational drugs are legal, you're a high school student. Your onlyexposure to mind-altering substances should be caffeine.

Making up fictional stories about yourself as though they are true. You're unlikely to bea good enough fantasist to pull this off, and there's no reason to roll the dice on beingdiscovered to be a liar.

Detailing your personality flaws. Unless you have a great story of coping with one ofthese, leave deal-breakers like pathological narcissism out of your personal statement.

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You're better off not airing your dirty laundry out in public. Seriously, no one wants to smellthose socks.

Too Overconfident

While it's great to have faith in your abilities, no one likes a relentless show-off. No matterhow magnificent your accomplishments, if you decide to focus your essay on them, it's betterto describe a setback or a moment of doubt rather that simply praising yourself to the skies.

Examples:

Bragging and making yourself the flawless hero of your essay. This goes double ifyou're writing about not particularly exciting achievements like scoring the winning goalor getting the lead in the play.

Having no awareness of the actual scope of your accomplishments. It's lovely that youtake time to help others, but volunteer-tutoring a couple of hours a week doesn’t makeyou a saintly figure.

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Cheering on a team? Awesome. Cheering onyourself? A little obnoxious.

Too Clichéd or Boring

Remember your reader. In this case, you're trying to make yourself memorable toan admissions officer who has been reading thousands of other essays. If your essay makesthe mistake of being boring or trite, it just won’t register in that person’s mind as anythingworth paying attention to.

Examples:

Transcribing your resume into sentence form or writing about the main activity on yourtranscript. The application already includes your resume, or a detailed list of yourvarious activities. Unless the prompt specifically asks you to write about your mainactivity, the essay needs to be about a facet of your interests and personality thatdoesn't come through the other parts of the application.

Writing about sports. Every athlete tries to write this essay. Unless you have acompletely off-the-wall story or unusual achievement, leave this overdone topic be.

Being moved by your community service trip to a third-world country. Were you wereimpressed at how happy the people seemed despite being poor? Did you learn avaluable lesson about how privileged you are? Unfortunately, so has every otherteenager who traveled on one of these trips. Writing about this tends to simultaneouslymake you sound unempathetic, clueless about the world, way over-privileged, andcondescending. Unless you have a highly specific, totally unusual story to tell, don’t doit.

Reacting with sadness to a sad, but very common experience. Unfortunately, many ofthe hard, formative events in your life are fairly universal. So, if you’re going to writeabout death or divorce, make sure to focus on how you dealt with this event, so theessay is something only you could possibly have written. Only detailed, idiosyncraticdescription can save this topic.

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Going meta. Don’t write about the fact that you’re writing the essay as we speak, andnow the reader is reading it, and look, the essay is right here in the reader's hand. It's atechnique that seems clever, but has already been done many times in many differentways.

Offering your ideas on how to fix the world. This is especially true if your solution is aneasy fix, if only everyone would just listen to you. Trust me, there's just no way you arebeing realistically appreciative of the level of complexity inherent in the problem you'redescribing.

Starting with a famous quotation. There usually is no need to shore up your own wordsby bringing in someone else's. Of course, if you are writing about a particular phrasethat you've adopted as a life motto, feel free to include it. But even then, having it be thefirst line in your essay feels like you're handing the keys over to that author and askingthem to drive.

Using an everyday object as a metaphor for your life/personality. “Shoes. They are likethis, and like that, and people love them for all of these reasons. And guess what? Theyare just like me.”

Shoes are from several centuries ago and tend to be used as flower vases. And that's true forme too!

Too Off-Topic

Unlike the essays you’ve been writing in school where the idea is to analyze somethingoutside of yourself, the main subject of your college essay should be you, your background,your makeup, and your future. Writing about someone or something else might well make agreat essay, but not for this context.

Examples:

Paying tribute to someone very important to you. Everyone would love to meet yourgrandma, but this isn’t the time to focus on her amazing coming of age story. If you do

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want to talk about a person who is important to your life, dwell on the ways you've beenimpacted by them, and how you will incorporate this impact into your future.

Documenting how well other people do things, say things, are active, while you remainpassive and inactive in the essay. Being in the orbit of someone else's important labwork, or complex stage production, or meaningful political activism is afantastic learning moment. But if you decide to write about, your essay should be aboutyour learning and how you've been influenced, not about the other person'sachievements.

Concentrating on a work of art that deeply moved you. Watch out for the pitfall ofwriting an analytical essay about that work, and not at all about your reaction to it orhow you’ve been affected since. Check out our explanation of how to answer Topic D ofthe ApplyTexas application to get some advice on writing about someone else'swork while making sure your essay still points back at you.

If you write your essay about art, be the guy allthe way on the right, looking right at theaudience to explain what's happening. Don't bethe guy who is totally absorbed by what he'slooking at.(Image: Pieter Christoffel Wonder [Publicdomain], via Wikimedia Commons)

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Too Offensive8/25

With this potential mistake, you run the risk of showing a lack of self-awareness or the abilityto be open to new ideas. Remember, no reader wants to be lectured at. If that’s what youressay does, you are demonstrating an inability to communicate successfully with others.

Also, remember that no college is eager to admit someone who is too close-minded to benefitfrom being taught by others. A long, one-sided essay about a hot-button issue will suggestthat you are exactly that.

Examples:

Ranting at length about political, religious, or other contentious topics. You simplydon't know where the admissions officer who reads your essay stands on any of theseissues. It's better to avoid upsetting or angering that person.

Writing a one-sided diatribe about guns, abortion, the death penalty, immigration, oranything else in the news. Even if you can marshal facts in your argument, this essay issimply the wrong place to take a narrow, unempathetic side in an ongoing debate.

Mentioning anything negative about the school you’re applying to. Again, your reader issomeone who works there and presumably is proud of the place. This is not the time toquestion the admissions officer's opinions or life choices.

Don't make your reader feel like they've suddenly gotten in the ring with you.

College Essay Execution Problems To AvoidBad college essays aren't only caused by bad topics. Sometimes, even if you’re writing aboutan interesting, relevant topic, you can still seem immature or unready for college life becauseof the way you present that topic – the way you actually write your personal statement. Checkto make sure you haven't made any of the common mistakes on this list.

Tone-Deafness

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Admissions officers are looking for resourcefulness, the ability to be resilient, and an activeand optimistic approach to life – these are all qualities that create a thriving college student.Essays that don't show these qualities are usually suffering from tone-deafness.

Examples:

Being whiny or complaining about problems in your life. Is the essay about everyonedoing things to/against you? About things happening to you, rather than you doinganything about them? That perspective is a definite turn-off.

Trying and failing to use humor. You may be very funny in real life, but it's hard to besuccessfully funny in this context, especially when writing for a reader who doesn’tknow you. If you do want to use humor, I'd recommend the simplest and moststraightforward version: being self-deprecating and low-key.

Talking down to the reader, or alternately being self-aggrandizing. No one enjoys beingcondescended to. In this case, much of the function of your essay is to charm and makeyourself likable, which is unlikely to happen if you adopt this tone.

Being pessimistic, cynical, and generally depressive. You are applying to collegebecause you are looking forward to a future of learning, achievement, and self-actualization. This is not the time to bust out your existential ennui and your jaded,been-there-done-that attitude toward life.

Edvard Munch probably didn't submit "TheScream" as his admissions essay. He smartlysaved all that existential angst for his post-bac!(Image: Eduard Munch [Public Domain], viaWikimedia Commons)

Lack of Personality

One good question to ask yourself is: could anyone else have written this essay? If theanswer is yes, then you aren’t doing a good job of representing your unique perspective onthe world. It’s very important to demonstrate your ability to be a detailed observer of the

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world, since that will be one of your main jobs as a college student.

Examples:

Avoiding any emotions, and appearing robot-like and cold in the essay. Unlike essaysthat you've been writing for class, this essay is meant to be a showcase of yourauthorial voice and personality. It may seem strange to shift gears after learning how totake yourself out of your writing, but this is the place where you have to put as much asyourself in as possible.

Skipping over description and specific details in favor of writing only in vaguegeneralities. Does your narrative feel like a newspaper horoscope, which could apply toevery other person who was there that day? Then you’re doing it wrong and need torefocus on your reaction, feelings, understanding, and transformation.

Your college essay isn't the place to be indistinguishable.

Off-Kilter Style

There’s some room for creativity here, yes, but a college essay isn’t a free-for-all postmodernart class. True, there are prompts that specifically call for your most out-of-left-fieldsubmission, or allow you to submit a portfolio or some other work sample instead of atraditional essay. But on a standard application, it's better to stick to traditional prose, splitinto paragraphs, further split into sentences.

Examples:

Submitting anything other than just the materials asked for on your application. Don'tsend food to the admissions office, don't write your essay on clothing or shoes, don'tcreate a YouTube channel about your undying commitment to the school. I know thereare a lot of urban legends about "that one time this crazy thing worked," but they areeither not true or about something that will not work a second time.

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Writing your essay in verse, in the form of a play, in bullet points, as an acrostic, or anyother non-prose form. Unless you really have a way with poetry or playwriting, and youare very confident that you can meet the demands of the prompt and explain yourselfwell in this form, don't discard prose simply for the sake of being different.

Using as many “fancy” words as possible and getting very far away from sounding likeyourself. Admissions officers are unanimous in wanting to hear your not fully formedteenage voice in your essay. This means that you should write at the top of yourvocabulary range and syntax complexity, but don't trade every word up for a thesaurussynonym. Your essay will suffer for it.

If you dress like this every day, you can use all thefancy words you like.

Failure to Proofread

Most people have a hard time checking over their own work. This is why you have to makesure that someone else proofreads your writing. This is the one place where you can, should– and really must – get someone who knows all about grammar, punctuation and has a goodeye for detail to take a red pencil to your final draft.

Otherwise, you look like you either don’t know the basic rules or writing (in which case, areyou really ready for college work?) or don’t care enough to present yourself well (in whichcase, why would the admissions people care about admitting you?).

Examples:

Typos, grammatical mistakes, punctuation flubs, weird font/paragraph spacing issues.It's true that these are often unintentional mistakes. But caring about getting it right is away to demonstrate your work ethic and dedication to the task at hand.

Going over the word limit. Part of showing your brilliance is being able to work withinarbitrary rules and limitations. Going over the word count points to a lack of self-control, which is not a very attractive feature in a college applicant.

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Repeating the same word(s) or sentence structure over and over again. This makesyour prose monotonous and hard to read.

Repetition: excellent for mastering the long jump, terriblefor keeping a reader's interest.

Bad College Essay Examples – And How to Fix ThemThe beauty of writing is that you get to rewrite. So if you think of your essay as a draft waitingto be revised into a better version rather than as a precious jewel that can’t bear beingtouched, you’ll be in far better shape to correct the issues that always crop up!

Now let’s take a look at some actual college essay drafts to see where the writer is goingwrong and how the issue could be fixed.

Essay #1: The “I Am Writing This Essay as We Speak” Meta-Narrative

Was your childhood home destroyed by a landspout tornado? Yeah, neither was mine. I knowthat intro might have given the impression that this college essay will be about withstandingdisasters, but the truth is that it isn't about that at all.

In my junior year, I always had in mind an image of myself finishing the college essay monthsbefore the deadline. But as the weeks dragged on and the deadline drew near, it soonbecame clear that at the rate things are going I would probably have to make new plansfor my October, November and December.

Falling into my personal wormhole, I sat down with my mom to talk about colleges. “Maybeyou should write about Star Trek,” she suggested, “you know how you’ve always beenobsessed with Captain Picard, calling him your dream mentor. Unique hobbies make goodtopics, right? You'll sound creative!” I played with the thought in my mind, tapping myimaginary communicator pin and whispering "Computer. Tea. Earl Grey. Hot. And then anEssay." Nothing happened. Instead, I sat quietly in my room wrote the old-fashioned way.Days later I emerged from my room disheveled, but to my dismay, this college essay made me

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sound like just a guy who can't get over the fact that he'll never take the Starfleet Academyentrance exam. So, I tossed my essay away without even getting to disintegrate it with aphaser set on stun.

I fell into a state of panic. My college essay. My image of myself in senior year. Almost out ofnowhere, Robert Jameson Smith offered his words of advice. Perfect! He suggested studentsbegin their college essay by listing their achievements and letting their essay materialize fromthere. My heart lifted, I took his advice and listed three of my greatest achievements -mastering my backgammon strategy, being a part of TREE in my sophomore year, andperforming "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" from The Pirates of Penzance inpublic. And sure enough, I felt inspiration hit me and began to type away furiously into thekeyboard about my experience in TREE, or Trees Require Engaged Environmentalists. Ireflected on the current state of deforestation, and described the dichotomy of it being bothunderstandable why farmers cut down forests for farmland, and how dangerous this is to ourplanet. Finally, I added my personal epiphany to the end of my college essay as the cherry onthe vanilla sundae, as the overused saying goes.

After 3 weeks of figuring myself out, I have converted myself into a piece of writing. As far asachievements go, this was definitely an amazing one. The ability to transform a human beinginto 603 words surely deserves a gold medal. Yet in this essay, I was still being nagged by avoice that couldn't be ignored. Eventually, I submitted to that yelling inner voice and decidedthat this was not the right essay either.

In the middle of a hike through Philadelphia's Fairmount Park, I realized that the college essaywas nothing more than an embodiment of my character. The two essays I have written werenot right because they have failed to become more than just words on recycled paper. Thesubject failed to come alive. Certainly my keen interest in Star Trek and my enthusiasmfor TREE are a great part of who I am, but there were other qualities essential in my characterthat did not come across in the essays.

With this realization, I turned around as quickly as I could without crashing into a tree.

What Essay #1 Does Well

Here are all things that are working on all cylinders for this personal statement as is.

Killer First Sentence

Was your childhood home destroyed by a landspout tornado? Yeah, neither was mine.

Funny, striking, memorable – this sentence has it all:A strange fact. There are different kinds of tornadoes? What is a "landspout tornado"anyway?

A late-night-deep-thoughts hypothetical. What would it be like to be a kid whose housewas destroyed in this unusual way?

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Direct engagement with the reader. Instead of asking “what would it be like to have atornado destroy a house” it asks “was your house ever destroyed."

Speaking of tornadoes, how awesome was the Wizard ofOz?

Gentle, Self-Deprecating Humor That Lands Well

I played with the thought in my mind, tapping my imaginary communicator pin and whispering"Computer. Tea. Earl Grey. Hot. And then an Essay." Nothing happened. Instead, I sat quietlyin my room wrote the old-fashioned way. Days later I emerged from my room disheveled, butto my dismay, this college essay made me sound like just a guy who can't get over the factthat he'll never take the Starfleet Academy entrance exam. So, I tossed my essay awaywithout even getting to disintegrate it with a phaser set on stun.

The author has his cake and eats it too here: both making fun of himself for being super intothe Star Trek mythos, but also showing himself being committed enough to try whispering acommand to the Enterprise computer alone in his room. You know, just in case.

A Solid Point That Is Made Paragraph by Paragraph

The meat of the essay is that the two versions of himself that the author thought aboutportraying each fails in some way to describe the real him. Neither an essay focusing on hisoff-beat interests, nor an essay devoted to his serious activism could capture everythingabout a well-rounded person in 600 words.

Great Exit

With this realization, I turned around as quickly as I could without crashing into a tree.

The essay illustrates its own stopping by having the narrator literally stop in the middle of ahike and narrowly avoid a collision. That’s funny and clever without being too gimmicky.

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The ending should be short and sweet, so your reader doesn't start wishing you'd turn into ahuman cannonball.(Image: fir0002 via Wikimedia Commons.)

Where Essay #1 Needs Revision

Rewriting these flawed parts will make the essay shine.

Spending Way Too Long on the Metanarrative

I know that intro might have given the impression that this college essay will be aboutwithstanding disasters, but the truth is that it isn't about that at all.

In my junior year, I always had in mind an image of myself finishing the college essay monthsbefore the deadline. But as the weeks dragged on and the deadline drew near, it soonbecame clear that at the rate things are going I would probably have to make new plansfor my October, November and December.

After 3 weeks of figuring myself out, I have converted myself into a piece of writing. As far asachievements go, this was definitely an amazing one. The ability to transform a human beinginto 603 words surely deserves a gold medal.

Look at how long and draggy these paragraphs are, especially after that zippy opening. Is it atall interesting to read about how someone else found the process of writing hard? Not really,because this is a very common experience.

In the rewrite, I’d advise condensing all of this to maybe a sentence to get to the meat of theactual essay.

Letting Other People Do All the Doing

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I sat down with my mom to talk about colleges. “Maybe you should write about Star Trek,” shesuggested, “you know how you’ve always been obsessed with Captain Picard, calling himyour dream mentor. Unique hobbies make good topics, right? You'll sound creative!”

Almost out of nowhere, Robert Jameson Smith offered his words of advice. Perfect! Hesuggested students begin their college essay by listing their achievements and letting theiressay materialize from there.

Twice in the essay, the author lets someone else tell him what to do. Not only that, but itsounds like both of the “incomplete” essays were dictated by the thoughts of other peopleand had little to do with his own ideas, experiences, or initiative.

In the rewrite, it would be better to recast both the Stark Trek and the TREE versions of theessay as the author’s own thoughts rather than someone else’s suggestions. This way, thepoint of the essay – taking apart the idea that a college essay could summarize lifeexperience – is earned by the author’s two failed attempts to write that other kind of essay.

Don't be a passive panda. Be an activeantelope.

Leaving the Insight and Meaning Out of His Experiences

Both the Star Trek fandom and the TREE activism were obviously important life experiencesfor this author – important enough to be potential college essay topic candidates. But there isno description of what the author did with either one, nor any explanation of why these wereso meaningful to his life.

It’s fine to say that none of your achievements individually define you, but in order for that towork, you have to really sell the achievements themselves.

In the rewrite, it would be good to explore what he learned about himself and the world bypursuing these interests. How did they change him or seen him into the person he is today?

Not Adding New Shades and Facets of Himself Into the Mix

So, I tossed my essay away without even getting to disintegrate it with a phaser set on stun.17/25

Yet in this essay, I was still being nagged by a voice that couldn't be ignored. Eventually, Isubmitted to that yelling inner voice and decided that this was not the right essay either.

In both of these passages, there is the perfect opportunity to point out what exactly thesefailed versions of the essay didn't capture about the author. In the next essay draft, I wouldsuggest subtly making a point about his other qualities.

For example, after the Star Trek paragraph, he could talk about other culture he likes toconsume, especially if he can discuss art forms he is interested in that would not be expectedfrom someone who loves Star Trek.

Or, after the TREE paragraph, the author could explain why this second essay was no better atcapturing him than the first. What was missing? Why is the self in the essay shouting – is itbecause this version paints him as an overly aggressive activist?

Star Trek fans are a dime a dozen. But a Trekkie who is also a graffiti aficionado? Now that's anovel intersection of cultural tastes.

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Essay #2: The “I Once Saw Poor People” Service Trip Essay

Unlike other teenagers, I’m not concerned about money, or partying, or what others think ofme. Unlike other eighteen year-olds, I think about my future, and haven't become totallymaterialistic and acquisitive. My whole outlook on life changed after I realized that my lifewas just being handed to me on a silver spoon, and yet there were those in the world whodidn’t have enough food to eat or place to live. I realized that the one thing that this worldneeded more than anything was compassion; compassion for those less fortunate than us.

During the summer of 2006, I went on a community service trip to rural Peru to help build anelementary school for kids there. I expected harsh conditions, but what I encountered was farworse. It was one thing to watch commercials asking for donations to help the unfortunatepeople in less developed countries, yet it was a whole different story to actually live it. Evenafter all this time, I can still hear babies crying from hunger; I can still see the filthy rags thatthey wore; I can still smell the stench of misery and hopelessness. But my most vivid memorywas the moment I first got to the farming town. The conditions of it hit me by surprise; itlooked much worse in real life than compared to the what our group leader had told us.Poverty to me and everyone else I knew was a foreign concept that people hear about on thenews or see in documentaries. But this abject poverty was their life, their reality. And for thebrief ten days I was there, it would be mine too. As all of this realization came at once, I feltoverwhelmed by the weight of what was to come. Would I be able to live in the sameconditions as these people? Would I catch a disease that no longer existed in the first world,or maybe die from drinking contaminated water? As these questions rolled around my alreadydazed mind, I heard a soft voice asking me in Spanish, “Are you okay? Is there anything I cando to make you feel better?” I looked down to see a small boy, around nine years of age, wholooked starved, and cold, wearing tattered clothing, comforting me. These people who haveso little were able to forget their own needs, and put those much more fortunate ahead ofthemselves. It was at that moment that I saw how selfish I had been. How many peoplesuffered like this in the world, while I went about life concerned about nothing at all?

Thinking back on the trip, maybe I made a difference, maybe not. But I gained somethingmuch more important. I gained the desire to make the world a better place for others. It was

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in a small, poverty-stricken village in Peru that I finally realized that there was more to lifethan just being alive.

What Essay #2 Does Well

Let's first point out what this draft has going for it.

Clear Chronology

This is an essay that tries to explain a shift in perspective. There are different ways tostructure this overarching idea, but a chronological approach that starts with an earlieropinion, describes a mind changing event, and ends with the transformed point of view is aneasy and clear way to lay this potentially complex subject out.

Arranging your narrative in order of what happened when is a simple and surefire strategy.

(Image: User:Lite via Wikimedia Commons)

Where Essay #2 Needs Revision

Now let's see what needs to be changed in order for this essay to pass muster.

Condescending, Obnoxious Tone

Unlike other teenagers, I’m not concerned about money, or partying, or what others think ofme. Unlike other eighteen year-olds, I think about my future, and haven't become totallymaterialistic and acquisitive.

This is a very broad generalization, which doesn’t tend to be the best way to formulate anargument – or to start an essay. It just makes this author sound dismissive of a huge swathof the population.

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In the rewrite, this author would be way better off just concentrate on what she want to sayabout herself, not pass judgment on “other teenagers,” most of whom she doesn’t know andwill never meet.

I realized that the one thing that this world needed more than anything was compassion;compassion for those less fortunate than us.

Coming from someone who hasn’t earned her place in the world through anything but the luckof being born, the word “compassion” sounds really condescending. Calling others "lessfortunate" when you're a senior in high school has a dehumanizing quality to it.

These people who have so little were able to forget their own needs, and put those muchmore fortunate in front of themselves.

Again, this comes across as very patronizing. Not only that, but to this little boy the authorwas clearly not looking all that “fortunate” – instead, she looked pathetic enough to needcomforting.

In the next draft, a better hook could be making the essay about the many different kinds ofshifting perspectives the author encountered on that trip. A more meaningful essay wouldcompare and contrast the points of view of the TV commercials, to what the group leadersaid, to the author's own expectations, and finally to this child’s point of view.

It may help to imagine you have the compoundeyes of an insect. How many different perspectivescan you see and describe?

Vague, Unobservant Description

During the summer of 2006, I went on a community service trip to rural Peru to help build anelementary school for kids there. I expected harsh conditions, but what I encountered was farworse. It was one thing to watch commercials asking for donations to help the unfortunatepeople in less developed countries, yet it was a whole different story to actually live it. Evenafter all this time, I can still hear babies crying from hunger; I can still see the filthy rags thatthey wore; I can still smell the stench of misery and hopelessness.

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Phrases like “cries of the small children from not having enough to eat” and “dirt stainedrags” seem like descriptions, but they're really closer to incurious and completelyhackneyed generalizations. Why were the kids were crying? How many kids? All the kids? Onespecific really loud kid?

The same goes for “filthy rags,” which is both an incredibly insensitive way to talk about theclothing of these villagers, and again shows a total lack of interest in their life. Why were theirclothes dirty? Were they workers or farmers so their clothes showing marks of labor? Did theyhave Sunday clothes? Traditional clothes they would put on for special occasions? Did theymake their own clothes? That would be a good reason to keep wearing clothing even if it had“stains” on it.

The rewrite should either make this section more specific and less reliant on cliches, orshould discard it altogether.

The conditions of it hit me by surprise; it looked much worse in real life than compared to thewhat our group leader had told us. Poverty to me and everyone else I knew was a foreignconcept that people hear about on the news or see in documentaries. But this abject povertywas their life, their reality.

If this is the “most vivid memory,” then I would expect to read all the details that have beenseared into the author's brain. What did their leader tell them? What was different in real life?What was the light like? What did the houses/roads/grass/fields/trees/animals/cars looklike? What time of day was it? Did they get there by bus, train, or plane? Was there anairport/train station/bus terminal? A city center? Shops? A marketplace?

There are any number of details to include here when doing another drafting pass.

Reading vague generalizations is like trying to make sense of this blurry picture. Is it flowers?Holiday lights? Confetti? Who knows. And after a while, who cares?

Lack of Insight or Maturity

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But this abject poverty was their life, their reality. And for the brief ten days I was there, itwould be mine too. As all of this realization came at once, I felt overwhelmed by the weight ofwhat was to come. Would I be able to live in the same conditions as these people? Would Icatch a disease that no longer existed in the first world, or maybe die from drinkingcontaminated water?

Without a framing device explaining that this initial panic was an overreaction, this sectionjust makes the author sound whiny, entitled, melodramatic, and immature. After all, this isn’ta a solo wilderness trek – the author is there with a paid guided program. Just how muchmortality is typically associated with these very standard college-application-boosting servicetrips?

In a rewrite, I would suggest including more perspective on the author's outsized andoverprivileged response here. This would fit well with a new focus on the different points ofview on this village the author encountered.

Unearned, Clichéd “Deep Thoughts”

But I gained something much more important. I gained the desire to make the world a betterplace for others. It was in a small, poverty-stricken village in Peru that I finally realized thatthere was more to life than just being alive.

Is it really believable that this is what the author learned? There is maybe some evidence tosuggest that the author was shaken somewhat out of a comfortable, materialisticexistence. But what does “there is more to life than just being alive” even really mean? Thisconclusion is rather vague, and seems mostly a non sequitur.

In a rewrite, the essay should be completely reoriented to discuss how differently others seeus than we see ourselves, pivoting on the experience of being pitied by someone who youthought was pitiable. Then, the new version can end by on a note of being better able tounderstand different points of view and other people’s perspectives.

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It's important to include deep thoughts and insights into your essay - just make sure yournarrative supports your conclusions!

The Bottom LineBad college essays have problems either with their topics or their execution.

The essay is how admissions officers learn about your personality, point of view, andmaturity level, so getting the topic right is a key factor in letting them see you as anaware, self-directed, open-minded applicant who is going to thrive in an environment ofindependence.

The essay is also how admissions officers learn that you are writing at a ready-for-college level, so screwing up the execution shows that you either don’t know how towrite, or don’t care enough to do it well.

The main ways college essay topics go wrong is bad taste, bad judgment, and lack ofself-awareness.

The main ways college essays fail in their execution have to do with ignoring format,syntax, and genre expectations.

What’s Next?Want to read some excellent college essays now that you've seen some examples of flawedone? Take a look through our roundup of college essay examples published by colleges andthen get help with brainstorming your perfect college essay topic .

Need some guidance on other parts of the application process? Check out our detailed, step-by-step guide to college applications for advice.

Are you considering taking the SAT or ACT again before you submit your application? Readabout our famous test prep guides for hints and strategies for a better score.

Want to improve your SAT score by 160 points or your ACT score by 4 points? We've writtena guide for each test about the top 5 strategies you must be using to have a shot at improvingyour score. Download it for free now:

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Dr. Anna Wulick

About the Author

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Anna scored in the 99th percentile on her SATs in high school, and went on to major inEnglish at Princeton and to get her doctorate in English Literature at Columbia. She ispassionate about improving student access to higher education.

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