YOU’RE INVITED by Darren Canady

PAUL - Caleb WILL, Paul’s partner - Austin JEREMY - Frank TERRI, Jeremy’s wife - Laura BrillMAGGIE - Laura Bruening

JEREMY Paul! Oh my God, I-I-I-I’m so sorry!

PAUL Look. You didn’t do it. It’s...it’s fine.

JEREMY No, no, no - it’s not. Oh God. I’m so really sorry - I don’t know what got into him!

[Will enters]

PAUL Too much punch, I guess.

JEREMY Really. I’m really sorry!

PAUL Listen. It’s fine.

WILL Are you nuts?! His kid pissed on Logan’s birthday cake!

PAUL Will. Please.

JEREMY Will. I’m really sorry-

WILL I mean, what the hell are we supposed to do with chocolate ice cream piss cake?!

JEREMY We’ll make it up to you. I swear.

WILL Are you gonna make it up to my kid?

PAUL Okay Will, you can dial down the dramatics.

[TERRI enters, checkbook in hand.]

TERRI Okay. How much was the cake?

JEREMY Right, right. The least we can do is pay for the cake.

WILL Well, I mean, you gonna pay for the entire party? ‘Cuz the whole thing is ruined!

1

JEREMY Sure, sure, just name a price-

TERRI Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Jeremy. Look, I’m sorry for Mikey’s ac-cident-

WILL “Accident”?!

TERRI But I’m not footing the entire bill for this Prada and Gucci dog-and-pony show you’re passing off as a toddler’s birthday party.

JEREMY Terri-

WILL Excuse us for having a little class. We didn’t know we were inviting the neighborhood golden shower machine to our son’s birthday party.

PAUL Will!

TERRI Hold up - what did you just call our son?!

PAUL The party is not ruined, Will, There’s still the - balloon artist guy coming - and that magician -

WILL Of course it’s ruined! I mean, do you hear that out there?! We’ve got a fucking Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s worth of crying kids ‘cuz there’s no cake. Correc-tion: there’s a cake - it’s just marinating in piss at the moment.

JEREMY Where’d you get it from? Cold Stone Creamery or something? We can run down right now and get another...

PAUL No, it was a special order. That new bakery downtown. Listen-

TERRI Well, we won’t be running anywhere until I get an apology from Will.

JEREMY C’mon, Terri.

WILL Apologize for what?!

TERRI “Golden shower machine”?! Let me tell you something-

[MAGGIE enters. She’s carrying a bottle of beer with her.]

MAGGIE Hey, guys, just wanted to let you know, it’s gettin’ a little tense out there between Logan and the pee-pee kid-

TERRI His name is Mikey.

2

PAUL Umm - is that a beer?

MAGGIE Oh. Yeah. I brought it in my cooler, if you guys want -

PAUL No, thanks. Uh, Maggie, we don’t allow drinking around Logan.

MAGGIE Oh. Okay. Just so you know, I’m not, like, giving it to him.

PAUL It’s just a rule we have -

MAGGIE Cool, whatever, but you’ve got bigger problems. Logan’s trying to mow Mikey down with the tricycle you bought him.

JEREMY What?!

TERRI Great. Now he’s trying to kill my son.

WILL He was clearly provoked. I’ll go break it up.

[WILL dashes out.]

JEREMY I better go help.

[JEREMY exits.]

PAUL Listen, Terri, I’m sorry about what Will said. He just - wanted this to be a good time for Logan.

TERRI I get that, but the kid’s four years old. He won’t even remember half of it.

MAGGIE He sure will remember the fresh smell of piss and chocolate ice cream, though.

TERRI You’re not helping.

MAGGIE Aw, c’mon - laugh a little. I mean, did you see Logan’s face?! That shit’s a YouTube sensation waiting to happen.

PAUL Okay, I’m all for not blowing this out of proportion, but I don’t find anything funny about it.

MAGGIE My kid laughed.

PAUL And don’t you think that was pretty mean?

3

MAGGIE Eh, Brian’s a little prick - I never take it personal.

PAUL My God, he’s a toddler.

TERRI Exactly. Which means they’re going to cry and pee at parties and pick fights, and we just come behind and clean up. So, anyway, this check for the cake. How much was it?

PAUL Don’t worry about it.

TERRI No, lemme have it. If I don’t write this check, Jeremy will never let me hear the end of it.

PAUL No. It’s all right-

MAGGIE Dude. Just take the money.

PAUL Look, y’know, maybe you guys...can...have us over for dinner or some-thing...

TERRI Or you can just tell me how much the cake was and we can be done with it.

PAUL Fine!... Four twenty-five.

[Beat.]

TERRI Shut the front door-!

MAGGIE Are you fucking kidding me?!

TERRI Tell me you mean four dollars and twenty-five cents.

PAUL I told you we wanted it to be special-

MAGGIE Ohmigod - you’re serious!

TERRI For four hundred and twenty-five dollars, that damn cake shoulda been able to wash off Mike’s pee and follow it up with a tap dance and a Vegas floor show!

PAUL Look! We just wanted to show Logan how much we love him -

MAGGIE Oh, and if you don’t spend money like water, you don’t love your kid?

PAUL That’s not what I’m saying -

4

TERRI Swear to God, that’s almost as much as our wedding cake! Do you seri-ously expect me to fork that over?

PAUL No, which is why I said to drop it!

[JEREMY and WILL re-enter]

JEREMY Crisis averted - the magician’s here!

MAGGIE And what’re his rates - a grand an hour?

PAUL Great. This is why I didn’t want to say anything.

TERRI Well, I hope you’re happy, Jeremy. We now own a one-of-a-kind, three-tiered, chocolate pee-pee monument to Will and Paul’s love for Logan that’s only gonna set us back four hundred and twenty-five dollars.

JEREMY Four hundred and twenty-five dollars?!

WILL It was a special order.

JEREMY From where - the Magical Land of Fairy Cakes?

WILL “Fairy Cakes”?! What’s that supposed to mean?!

JEREMY Oh-oh-oh no-oh my God-n-n-no-that’s not what I-I would never! No I just meant-oh God-my stupid mouth-

TERRI No, your stupid guilt! You keep it up, they’ll have us paying their mortgage too.

WILL Well, clearly you owe us something since you failed at potty training.

MAGGIE I’ll drink to that.

TERRI Why are you even in here?!

MAGGIE Cheap entertainment.

PAUL Okay, look, look, look - we can settle this. Terri, if you don’t want to pay us, then don’t.

JEREMY No, no, I mean - we should - we have to give you something.

PAUL Fine, whatever, just write a random number on the check, hand it over, and we’ll be done.

5

TERRI Fine.[She begins to write.]

Just so we’re clear, it’s not that we can’t afford it, y’know. We’re not broke. It’s - it’s principle. I mean, it’s a flippin’ cake. You can get one at Dairy Queen for like thirty bucks.

WILL Did it ever occur to you that maybe some people prefer their purchases to be slightly above bargain basment?

TERRI Are you calling me cheap?

PAUL No, no, that’s not what he meant-

TERRI Because clearly, I spend money on things that matter. That daycare our kids go to costs an arm and a leg!

WILL It sure does, but Mikey being there makes me think they’re not screening their candidates close enough.

TERRI Lucky for you, since no one would take a spoiled crybaby like Logan.

JEREMY Okay, okay, okay - that’s enough! This is supposed to be a party, right? I mean, we’re friends, right? Or - at least - our kids are. Not thirty minutes ago we were joking and having a good time. Can we please just...go back to that? We’re the adults here, okay? We’re cool. We can talk - or - chat - I mean, someday we’re gonna really laugh about this. This could be the beginning of a great - circle of friends! Yeah...?

[There is a pause. Perhaps this will work?]

MAGGIE Eh - I think you all are bitch-asses.

6