Babes In The Wood

By Keith Dunsire and Jeff CorkerFebruary 2017

SONG Come Along And Join Us ACT ONEScene 1 Fun With Fred and Sally (Main Stage)Enter FreddieFred: Hallo boys and girls. I’m Freddie!

(Audience) O dear that wasn’t very loud, you can do better than that, try again. Hallo boys and girls!! (Audience) That’s better, eat your heart out Berwick K. They call me Forgetful Freddie, but don’t ask me why, ‘cos I can’t remember. I just woke up one morning and there I was and I couldn’t recall a single minute from before that. I’m off to The Shambles Market to pick up a nice juicy steak for my master’s tea, But I know I will forget before I get there, will you help me boys and girls? (Audience) Thank you, My master, has got a terrible temper. The last time I came back with a pot noodle instead of filet mignon he had me put into the stocks for the week! The only thing I had to eat was the rotten tomatoes that the villagers threw at me. But if you could help me boys and girls I might be able to remember, will you shout out – “Forgetful Freddie, try to remember”, you will, Ok let’s give it a try. (He goes off and comes on again) Hallo boys and girls! (Audience) Freddie can’t hear you, all I got from that was half a pound of tripe, once more (Repeat) That’s it, now I remember, a nice tender rumpsteak. See you later, alligators.

(Exit Freddie, enter Sally) Sal: (Seeing the audience) Did you notice a handsome, hunky, young man come this way just

now. He works at the castle, and I work there too, as a seamstress for the master. It is very peculiar but I do not remember how I got the job, I just woke up one morning and there I was and I couldn’t recall a single minute from before that. Most mysterious. People call me scatty Sally, which is really unkind, I think I must have caught amnesia, and I always wear a coat when it rains! Ah well, today I made up my mind to talk to Freddie which is not easy for me as I am very shy. I am going to ask him for a date. But how could the head chef of a mighty castle be attracted to a humble tailor girl like me? Which way did he go.(Audience tell her). Bye for now boys and girls, and wish me luck.

(Exit Sally, enter Freddie)Fred: Hallo boys and girls! I got 2 curly wurlies and a dozen wagon wheels. No, that can’t be

right, no one round here wants wagon wheels! Can you help me? (Audience: Forgetful Freddie Try To Remember) Hang on I’m remembering – a juicy steak. Yes, result! But I did not come back for that, I wanted to ask if you had seen a girl called Sally. She is the girl of my dreams and I think I am in love with her! I want to ask her to be my girlfriend but I am not brave enough to do it. After all how could the head fashion designer at the court of an Archduke be attracted to a poor kitchen boy like me. Oh but I must speak to her, which way did she go.

(They tell him) Ok, here goes.

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(Exit Freddie, Enter Nurse and Babes)Nan: Eeeee. Me babbies, me…. Oops, shouldn’t have said that. Copyright considerations.

Don’t tell anyone will you? Thank you very glad. I’m the nurse up at the castle. Nurse Norah Nonesuch. Everybody calls me Nanny, don’t you me pet lambs?

Babes: Yes Nanny.Nan: They named a telly programme after me – Super Nanny, it was called. Jill: Nanny?Nan: Yes, Jill, pet.Jill: Where’s Mummy?Nan: I wish we knew, pet. Your Mam just disappeared all of a sudden like, and we can’t find

her. Jill: Oh. (Jill runs off to chase Jack. NN speaks to audience) Nan: Poor wee lambs. Their parents, Prince Ferdinand and Princess Sarah of Holgate, just

vanished without trace, and I’ve been looking after them ever since. I thought I had retired, but I couldn’t just abandon them without a Mam and Dad. (Jack stops running and pulls NN’s dress)

Jack: Nanny?Nan: Yes, Jack, me lad.Jack: Why has Uncle Boris come to live in the castle?Nan: With your Mam and Dad not being around like, your Uncle Boris has come to run the

castle until you two are old enough.Jack: OK. (Jack runs off to chase Jill)Nan: Prince Ferdinand’s brother, Boris, is holding all their money in trust, until they come of

age. In’t that nice. I’m not sure whether I’m young enough for this job any more, but these two are little angels, and are really no bother. (They have been misbehaving throughout!) Come on you two, soon be time to ring the school bell. Say goodbye to the boys and girls children.

Jack & Jill: Bye boys and girls. (They exit).

Scene 2 The Dark Side(Extension/Floor)(Enter Bingo and Soothsaying Samantha, SS goes onto extension).SS: Woe, woe and thrice woe. Beware the ides of February. A mighty doom is prepared for

Holgate. Oh, woe, woe, err… did I say that already?Bingo: You did, now be quiet woman. Yes this feels like it could be the place. I know the route

to many places from here. There is misery in the air. Lost parents, broken hearts and a rotten football team. From here I can launch my bid for world domination and supreme power. At last the world will know my name. (FX: maniacal laughter).

SS: Are you sure mate, you went down well round here when you were kind and friendly.Bingo: Yes but as a comic bit part in a cheap pantomime. I need more than that.SS: You want to be the Dame you mean.Bingo: NO! I want Power! Wealth! Fame! oh, and a world free from nuts and sudden loud

noises. I have already dealt with a hapless pair of parents I found in the woods. It didn’t go entirely to plan, but if not their lives, at least they have lost their memories. A fairy might just have caught a ricochet of the memory spell when I sneezed, so who knows where that will send her I just need an influential but hapless local to be my puppet and unwittingly advance my plans. And I have located the very man

(Enter Boris). Aah, right on cue, he looks like he will do my bidding without question.Yes he is perfect, my vehicle to bring total despair to all the lands hereabouts. Let me just (he freezes Boris – FX from lightwriter) cast a spell on him and he will turn from a bumbling buffoon into a wicked uncle and cause more misery. (Casts spell and unfreezes Boris)

Boris: Well that’s flipping odd don’t cha know, when I walked in here I only wanted to do the right thing by my big bro and Princess Sarah. Haven’t the foggiest where they

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disappeared to, but no denying it’s done a bit of alright for yours truly. When I think of their nippers now all I see are two little pound signs tearing around. If those two bambinos were to have an unfortunate accident, my brother’s fortune would be mine, all mine, and I can then devote all my energy to Hexit - getting Holgate out of the control of City Of York Council. Tee hee.

(Exit Boris).Bingo: Now, let the havoc commence.SS: Doom, doom, misery and despair unto the citizens of this place. Let ye be very afraid!!!Bingo: Just so, couldn’t have put it better myself.(Exit Bingo and SS)(Enter some Knights, who form up in a semi circle facing the audience, they are dressed in black

trousers and black t-shirts and carry a broadsword each, they pause for a moment).All: We are noble knights of Camelot, we dedicate our lives to Mighty Deeds and Derring Do

and errr… all that sort of thing.Ten: I am Sir Ten, leader of this chivalrous band. Let’s tell of our mighty deeds to all who

might bend an ear. Sir Kit!Kit: Rescuing damsels in distress from tall towers.Ten: Definitely. Sir Lee!Lee : Vanquishing giants and confiscating their ill-gotten gold.Ten: Right on. Sir Plus!Plus : Giving away all we have to the poor.Ten: Steady on there. And Sir Prise!Prise: Providing sound health and safety advice.Ten: That’s m' boy, always something different. And now here we are, stranded in an

uncharted region, do we know where we are?Kit: This map says we are in the ancient city of Holgate, land of the windmill.Ten: Oh. Never heard of it. Have we any cash left in the coffers.Plus: No boss, we gave it to the widows and orphans fund last week.Ten: Well then there is no time to lose, we must get a handsome commission from a citizen in

this neighbourhood. Any Task Considered, We Will Go Anywhere, Anytime, To Do Anything – We Stick At Nothing.

Lee: Are you certain, chief?Ten: Of course I am Sir Ten, any fool knows that!Lee: No, I mean do we really stick at nothing, we used to be scrupulous and kind to one and

all.Kit: Yeah. Like when we overcame that huge fire-breathing dragon, without firing a shot.Prise: Thanks to all those fire extinguishers we had standing by, after I did my risk assessment

report.Ten: Well we better think of something fast, my stomach is starting to rumble.Prise: Knight starvation!(Enter Boris)Boz: What ho you chaps. Cripes, Archduke Boris here. Did you really say you were looking

for work. Any task considered, stick at nothing, no questions asked?Ten: Well yes we were just considering that Mr Archie, do you have any gainful employment

that would suit us?Boz: That I may, how are you chaps at kidn…., I mean child minding, that sort of malarkey?

There would be plenty of the old filthy lucre in it for you. Cash, upfront.Ten: Ok you’re on, what do we have to do.Lee: Hang on boss, are you really certain….Ten: I keep telling you I am, now let me seal the deal…Lee: Cos we don’t think we like this Duke geezer, it seems to be a dodgy proposition don’t it

lads?Prise: Seems like a hazard to me!Kit: I bet he’s the Duke Of Hazard.Plus: So let’s tell him no.

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Ten: Quiet boys, quiet, let me just point out that according to the small print of your zero hours contracts, section 5, subsection 11, paragraph 48, my decision is always final and I am unanimous about that. Deal closed, shake on it Mr Archie.

Boz: No need to stand on ceremony, dontcherknow, just call me Bozza. You are Knights Of Camelot, you say. Once made a bundle on the lotto myself.

Ten: No not that Camelot. King Arthur, Round Table, you know, that one.Boz: You don’t have much armour.Ten: Plain clothes, casual dress, much more the thing these days. Blend in with the public.Boz: Ah yes, discreet, get it! But you still carry dirty great broadswords I notice. Good for

running a varlet through I suppose, (to himself) and for slitting the gizzards of troublesome toddlers! That should boost the old bank balance (to Sir Ten) Heres a wad of currency for you. You can pick up the children at Nannys schoolroom in Scene 4, they won’t want to come but you can persuade ‘em. Then meet me at the Gnarled Oak in Knavesmire Woods at midnight. Toodle pip old beans.(Exeunt all)

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Scene 3 Which Witch Is Which(Main Stage – Knavesmire Woods)(Enter Fairy J and Apprentices)FJ: Softly now sweet fairies enter

our goodly tasks we must begin this village needs a helping hand our skills will help them… err, err… win! Now my sprites your turn to rhyme. Start your poems …. anytime. (To audience) Oh this is more than flesh and fairydust can bear! Which idiot deemed that fairies in pantos have to speak in couplets. Some numbskull of a scriptwriter I expect! Well I’m thru with it for tonight’s show.

Steps: Roses are red Violets are blue Most poems rhyme But this one doesn’t

FJ: Don’t bother Fairy Steps. Leave that doggerel to the Grand Opera House.Cake: How about this:-

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s dayThou art more lovely and more temperateRough winds do shake the darling buds of MayAnd summer’s lease hath all too short a date

All: Nah, rubbish, leave it out, never catch on etc.FJ: You may talk properly, apprentices mine.Liquid: Thanks, FJ, we hate learning to speak in rhyme.Lights: Can we learn something more interesting.Steps: And more exciting.Liquid: And more dangerous.Nuff: And, oh no, ah, ah, ah….(The others stop her from sneezing)Steps: We want to use our wands.Liquid: And cast some nasty spellsCake: And take on the bad guys.Dust: Though not the really bad ones.Nuff: And zap ‘em.Lights: We’re sick of being fairies, we want to be…All: Witches!!(They surround her with wands drawn).Cake: With Wand Power!Liquid: Potion Power!Lights: Super Spells!Dust: Magnificent Magic!Steps: Exceptional Enchantments!Nuff: And a little black cat each.FJ: All in good time my magical marvels but first…Steps: No, not later. NOW. Teach us something right this minute.Cake: And no slipping away when we are not looking. How can we learn if you keep sneaking

off in the middle of lessons?Liquid: Yeah, you might be gone for hours.Lights: Or days, or weeks.Dust: Or months.Nuff: Or years.Cake: And not to be able to explain where you’ve been when you do come back,FJ: Oh I didn’t realise you were so unhappy. I hope you are not the teensiest, weensiest bit

fed up with little ol’ Fairy J. Who took you in, put a forest over your head and toadstools on your table, and promised to teach you the secrets of the mysterious dimension.

Nuff: Please Miss, teach us some spells and we won’t be.

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Cake: And whilst you are at it find us some proper names too, we are sick of the ones you gave us!

Dust: They don’t make any sense!FJ: Oh, but they were scientifically selected to blend in with human society, undetected.Steps: You have got to be kidding. Not even the barmiest humans would call their children what

you called us.(Enter Freddie)Fred: Hallo b’s and g’s.

(Audience: Forgetful Freddie ….)(Proudly) I’m one step ahead of you lot, I’ve made a shopping list of everything I need! (Crestfallen) The only prob is I can’t seem to ascertain it’s whereabouts!

Lights: There it is, it’s behind you.(Inevitable interlude)FJ: (Grabbing list and handing it too him) There you are Mr……Fred: Freddie. Are all of these your children?FJ: In a manner of speaking you might say they are – let us call them my brood, shall we?

Steps, Cake, Lights, Liquid, Dust, and Nuff.Fred: Gosh! Not many names like that round here.Fairies: (To FJ) Told you!Fred: You must be related to Jamie Oliver! Well nice to meet you all, I hope we may meet

again. Although if we do I probably won’t recognise you, I can’t remember anything these days. I don’t even know my real name or where I came from.

FJ Maybe I can help you, I too know the heartache of extreme memory lapse.Fairies: You can say that again!FJ: Gather together my witchlings. Observe and learn. (Waving wand in purposeful manner).

Abracadabra! Have-you-always-suffered-from-memory-problems?

Fred: (Trancelike) I-can’t remember.FJ: Alors, I feel the resistance of an evil sorcerer. This poor human is the victim of a

malevolent hex that holds him in its thrall. I suspect a complete memory wipe has been used. We must help him my pupils. It shall be your first great task to free Freddie and restore his memory banks.

Fred: Still in trance state) Thank-you-very-much.(FJ snaps her fingers)Whew that was scary, is my memory back?FJ: Not yet but my crack team of fairy wand wielders…. (Hard stares from the fairies)…. my witchy wand wielders….

Fairies: Better.FJ: will take your case and restore your powers to reminisce in the merest hint of time.Fred: Fair enough.Nuff: Yes.Fred: What.Lights: Never mind Mister, we will have new names when we meet again.Fred: Righto. Now where’s that list, oh no, ah, ah ah…Nuff: CHOO!(FJ, unseen by the others slips off).Steps: Right now Mistress Jeckylhyde, where should we start? (when there is no answer, all

look round)Dust: Where is she?Cake: She’s not here!Liquid: She’s only gone and done it again.Lights: That takes the biscuit that does.Nuff: Yeah, the jammy dodger!!Cake: Well what are we waiting for, we must do this without her.Steps: Come on girls we will make ourselves into true witches this day. Catch you later Freddie.

(Exeunt Fairies)

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Fred: Okerly, dokerly. (To audience) I was talking to my GP today and he urged me to get a donor’s card. He’s a man after my own heart. But hang on a moment, I can feel something stirring in my brain box, is it a memory? Something from my own past, I, I…. think it might be!

(blackout - Freddie goes offstage, FJ appears on the corner of the stage and is lit by the spotlight) FJ: Where am I? How am I? Who am I? Get a grip now. I am Fairy Jeckylhyde, Queen of the

Woodland Fairies, holder of the Golden Wand for services to the magical realm. It was that old fool Dawdledumb who gave me that name. He said he had never met anybody who could be so brilliant one moment, and then make such a ghastly mistake, bordering on the dangerous, the next. Anyway, I’m presently a little dislocated, it’s true, but it’s time to fight back. I will harness the power of the force and show Holgate some Fairy power! And I don't mean just for the dishes. Now as to where I am? Have I left earth perhaps? I’m not on that new planet Proxima B am I? Or Gallifrey perhaps, in which case I can catch the next Tardis. No this is definitely still Holgate but it is different somehow. The future perhaps, but wait, the railway is still running and nobody seems to be teleporting to work. The past then, yes, but not distant, recent, yes yes, Lots of things are whirling by - images, words, feelings. it's as though I was seeing into people's minds. Now that could be really useful. But no, they are all a bit fuzzy and unclear. That's it! They are memories. I must have been transported to the Memory Dimension (sound effect of twilight zone). There is one coming through really strongly. It's that lad from the castle who can't remember anything. (Blue lights come on stage. Freddie wanders on slowly) It looks as though he is just going for a wander in the woods. Where's the memory in that! (Freddie raises arms and looks terrified. He falls to the floor) I take that back. That was something worth remembering. I hope he manages to hang on to that. I feel an evil presence here messing with all our lives. Maybe that strange incident in the woods has had something to do with this. I heard a sneeze and felt something hit me. Dawdledumb will help, he’s a bit doddery these days, but with a wealth of knowledge. I must away

(Exit Fred)(Blackout)(Enter DD and Hermione)DD: Aah Miss Grainger my dear I feel that this is definitely the place.Herm: Are you sure Professor, this is the seventh location at which you’ve said that, since we

crossed the border from Lancashire.DD: Hush my dear, mention it not, say the county we do not name!Herm: You mean where “You Know Who” hides out?DD: Yeeees. Bingo! The most powerful dark sorcerer of this age. My auroscope tells of his

presence. I detect strong, evil, twisted magic. A much respected magical ally is having severe dimensional difficulties, which could prove disastrous for all around her.

Herm: Fairy J, prof?DD: Indubitably. So now Hermione I need you to use all the magical power and skill that you

learned at Warthogs. You my dear are the only hope of the whole of Holgate. Travel ye to the ends of the earth.

Herm: You mean Doncaster Professor.DD: Even unto Scunthorpe my dear.Herm: Gasp!DD: And search for the antidote to the enchantment that has been placed on Fairy Jeckylhyde.

Only then can we solve the puzzle of the disappearing noble folks.Herm: But Sir is it not just that she never knows which spell to use or when to use it.DD: It is true that she was always a little unreliable. But no, there is a greater malevolent force

at work here. One that will be a test beyond even beyond my own powers. But you Hermione, you were born for this moment, go now and fulfil your destiny.

Herm: OK prof, be back in a jiffy, hang on to your whiskers!(She goes).DD: Farewell Miss Grainger. Best pupil we ever had that lassie. Much better than that big

head Harry Potter! Farewell.(He goes)

(Exeunt all)(Curtains open – main stage).

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Scene 4 Everyday’s A School Day(Main stage – Castle Interior)(Enter Nanny and pupils. Knights join surreptitiously. As curtains open children are making lots of

noise).Nan: Now then children, settle down, settle down. Welcome to my lifeskills class, Nanny is

going to teach you all the things you need to be a success in the fast moving, jet set life of modern York! First – mathematics (children groan). If I had 6 apples in one hand and 5 oranges in the other, what would I have? (Children wave their hands in the air). Ben, what is the answer?

Ben: Big hands miss!Nan: Ooo, don’t be cheeky to Nanny. Well Ben, if you’re so clever, if you had £1 and you

asked your father for another £1, how much would you have in total?Ben: £1 Miss.Nan: £1, Ben, that’s not right, you don’t know your sums.Ben: You don’t know my Dad.Nan: That’s enough mathematics. Let’s try some science. Can anyone tell me how many

seconds there are in a year? (Children wave their hands). Nikolas.Nik: 12 miss.Nan: 12? How do you get to that number?Nik: There’s the 2nd of January, 2nd of February, 2nd of….Nan: Alright that’s enough, you’ve made your point. Well Nikolas, as you are so good on

dates, can you name two days of the week that start with a T.Nik: Today and Tomorrow miss!Nan: Doh! I don’t know why I bother. You boy there, I don’t recognise you, are you new, you

look a little old for my class? What is your name.Kit: Frederick Michael Smith.Nan: Then I shall call you Fred Smith.Kit: My old man won’t like that Nanny.Nan: And why might that be?Kit: He doesn’t like people taking the Micky out of my name.Nan: (To Sir Lee) So now let’s do some geography. Oh, another new boy. Well, sonny, can

you tell me where are the Andes?Lee: On the end of my armies Miss.Nan: Oo the cheek of the boy! Now Clemmie, where is your homework?Clem: I ate it miss.Nan: You did what? Why on earth did you do that?Clem: Cos you said it was a piece of cake.Nan: Next time I’ll be more careful what I say. Another geography question. Sadie, what is the

source of the Nile?Sadie: Tomato ketchup Nanny?Nan: Let’s try again, Sadie. What is the coldest place in the world?Sadie: Chile, Miss?Nan: I’m going to have to have a word with those teachers at OLQOMScar: Nanny, Nanny, you wouldn’t punish someone for something they didn’t do, would you?Nan: No of course not Scarlet my dear.Scar: Oh good, ‘cos I didn’t do my homework! (Children all laugh)Nan: Settle down children! Now a question for all of you, what is the outside of a tree called?All: We don’t know miss!Nan: Bark, children, bark.All: Woof, woof etc(Enter Duke Boris)Boris: Silence in the classroom. What is all this racket! What kind of bally lesson is this?Nan: Advanced vetinary skills Mr Boris sir. Talking to the patients!Boris: Bah.Nan: Humbug?

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Boris: Don’t mind if I do.Nan: And to what do we owe this pleasure your magnificence?Boris: Oh, just passing don’t yer know, thought I would check up on my delightful niece and

nephew. Not been kidnapped or anything I suppose?Nan: No nothing like that. They are just with the school chaplain learning a new prayer, the

little loves. You should hear them praying that you should be kept from the powers of the demon drink Sir. It fair gladdens the heart, it really does.

Boris: The cheeky little whipper snappers. They’ll need more than prayers when Bozza gets his mits on ‘em. (Stalks off stage in a rage, Sir Kit follows him).

Nan: Now children that is all for today and as this is the last day of term we will sing our school anthem before we go on holiday.

SONG School’s Out(Curtains close).(The Babes come on to extension, the Knights join them).Jack; Let’s go to the playground.Jill: Shouldn’t we wait for Nanny?Jack: No she’s miles behind. She can catch up with us later.Prise: (To audience) Don’t worry folks, it’s got an up to date safety certificate. Lee: Are you Jack and Jill?J&J: YesPrise: The nephew and niece of Archduke Boris of Holgate?J&J: YesKit: Your uncle sent us to find youPlus: He was most insistentJack: But we’re going to the playgroundLee: We can go there later. First come with us, and we’ll take you to your uncle.Jill: What about Nanny?Jack: We ran ahead and left her.Kit: Don’t worry about her, we’ll tell her where we’ve gone.Prise: I’m really not happy with this, lads. It doesn’t feel right.Plus: I know, but we can sort it out when we get them to Sir Ten and the Duke.Jill: Do you ever get poorly?Lee: Sometimes we get flu.J&J: (sung) Night fever, night fe-ver.Jill: Where are we going?Kit: Just for a little walkJack: Is it far?Plus: No, not very far.Jill: Where did you learn to use a sword?Prise: It just comes naturallyJill: Oh. I thought you must have gone to knight school.Lee: Come on now, we’d better go quickly before someone spots us.(They go off backstage).(Curtains open. Enter Sally).Sal: Oh, he’s not here, I thought I would catch him. But then, how could I? I imagine he has

the body of an Olympic champion, the face of an angel and the mind of a Nobel prize winner. And I can’t wait to get my hands on him! But for now it’s back to sewing duties. I’m discovering I’ve got a bit of talent for dressmaking actually. I’ve taken to it like a duck to water, without a single lesson. It’s like I’m on auto pilot, it just comes naturally. Last night I created a ball gown fit for a princess just like that! Amazing! Wait a minute, I feel all strange, what’s happening……

(Blackout and FJ appears in spotlight at corner of stage in front of curtain)FJ: I’ve become marooned in this strange memory dimension. You wouldn’t believe some of

the things that people remember. Some of them really make me blush. I’m still shaking a bit from a night terror that I was dragged into, complete with dragons and everything. Mind you I kept getting vague glimpses of something that looked like fire extinguishers.

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Very odd. Now I feel a strong dream coming on. I think it’s that ditsy girl from the castle. (Blue lights come on stage. Sally wanders on slowly) I’m getting a feeling of deja vue here, something looks very familiar (Sally raises arms and looks terrified. She falls to the floor) Now I’m sure I’ve seen this memory before, but I’ve seen so many recently, I’m getting a bit confused. First, I must work out how to get back to reality. Do you know, I think I’m coming down with a cold. Ah ah ah Choo. (She disappears)

(Lights come back on and Sally enters)Sally: Ooh I felt like I was somebody else just then and that a secret was being kept from me.

That is so intriguing. But it’s fading now. I do hope it comes back. Bye for now boys and girls.(Exit Sally, enter Nanny)

Nan: Eee, well, I’ve got to tell you this. I finished my jigsaw last night. And I’m so proud cos it only took me 2 weeks. On the box it says 2-4 years. But now I’m really worried! I’ve lost the babes. What will his Dukeness say. He just dotes on those kiddies. They ran off after school and I’m just not able to catch up with them any more. I’m so old and infirm. You wouldn’t want to know about my ailments though, it wouldn’t half put you off your interval cakes! I don’t know where they went but I must find out. Those sweet little angels, lost in this big bad world, oh I can’t bear it.

(Enter fairies)Steps: You seem a little distressed Nurse, is there a problem?Nan: They’ve gone, they’ve disappeared, they’ve vanished!Cake: Who’s gone, who’s disappeared, who’s vanished?Nan: The babes, Jack and Jill. They were here a second agoLights: You mean you’ve lost the royal childrenLiquid: The only two children you were responsible forNan: Yes, yes, yes. What am I going to do?Dust: Panic?Nuff: Look for them?Nan: Of course! Please will you help?Cake: Steps, you search the north side of town. Lights, you look at the south side. Liquid and

Nuff, you go and look in the castle. Dust you search the west side and I’ll look in the east side.

Nan: What about me?Cake: You stay here in case they come back.(Steps runs down onto the apron and off to the right, Cake runs down onto the apron and off to the left, Lights runs off stage right, and Liquid, Dust and Nuff run off stage left) Nan: Oh deary, deary me, What are we to do. It’s all my fault. (to audience) Here’s where you

say “Oh no it isn’t”. Oh yes it is (audience – Oh no it isn’t)(Steps, Lights and Dust run back on to stage)Steps: Any sign?Lights: Not a glimpse.Dust: I’ve searched high and low.Steps: We’d better try again(They run off again. Cake, Liquid and Nuff run on and meet on stage)Cake: I haven’t seen them anywhere. How about youLiquid: Nothing. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystackNuff: Will they be alright?Cake: We’d better keep looking(They run off again)Nan: I’d better go back to the castle in case they come home. The poor wee lambs. What will

become of them?(Curtain closes)Scene 5(Extension/Floor)

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(Enter Bingo and SS)SS: Sooth, sooth I say, sooth!!Bingo: I think I’m going to regret this, but tell me why you say sooth.SS: Because I’m a soothsayer of course, derr.Bingo: I knew it. Let’s hope I have a scene without her in Act 2. But everything else is going

wonderfully well. Soon misery will reach fever pitch, despair will strangle the land. (FX maniacal laughter). And the whole of Holgate will be my slaves.

SS: Any more measures, need to take, do you? Oh sorry that came out a bit Yoda somehow. Sooth!

Bingo: My ears madam, dig loud noises not, do I.SS: Now you’ve gone all Yoda too. Know you the Wise Woman Master?Bingo: I don’t think I have had the pleasure.SS: Two things you must know about the Wise Woman. First she be wise she be. And second

she be…Bingo: A woman?SS: So you do know her then.Bingo: No. Now pay attention. Advice I do not need. It is ultimate, supreme power I crave.

Unrivalled wealth and an endless supply of Baileys Irish Cream. And it is so near, I can almost tastes it. Success is in my grasp. I shall prevail. Happy days.

SS: Beware all ye. The cruel and merciless Bingo approaches, beware! (Open curtains, main stage - Knavesmire Wood)(Enter Boris and Sir Ten)Boz: Boris is not happy Sir Knight. You promised to deliver me two defenceless toddlers.

Cripes, not a difficult task old Bozza is thinking but you have let me down Mr Oiky. Where are your troops now, you buffoon. Made off with my nephew and niece, I bet, to sell to the highest bidder.

Ten: Now just wait a minute Archie Jukebox! I am 100% sure that my boys will be here any minute bringing the children along as promised. They are fully trained, crack Knight errants, sworn to uphold the principles of chivalry and justice. They will protect the babes with their own life’s blood.

Boz: (To audience) Yikes. Looks like your humble servant has laid an egg on this one. These sword chappies seem to be the real deal and not the desperate cut throats I took ‘em for. Zounds, I will have to do the raw work myself. It’s daggers drawn then for Bozza. (Enter the Knights with the Babes).

Babes: (Chanting) Are we nearly there yet, are we nearly there yet….Ten: Here they are you see, right on time. Well done lads, hand the kiddies over to their uncle

and we shall be on our way.Lee: Can we have a word with you boss?Kit: Yeah, in private like.Plus: Scuse us Sir Duke.Prise: I’ve already spotted some tripping hazards chief, and shouldn’t we be wearing hard hats

in this dense woodland?Boz: No problemo but first just reunite me with these delightful nippers and I’ll pop ‘em off to

the castle and tuck ‘em up for the night. Bless ‘em.Plus: Not so fast Jooky.Kit: We got some issues about this.Lee: An individual is giving cause for concern.Prise: Scored zero on his trust test.(They form a cordon to protect the Babes, with swords

drawn).Boz: (To audience) Cripes these round table types are on to me. Drat, and double drat. Bozza

needs inspiration and no mistake. Let me tax the old grey matter.Ten: (Confused) Now, now boys what on earth are you playing at, what is occurring?Kit: He’s a twister, and a bully and he only wants the money.Lee: He’s a cad and a bounder and he’s trying to use us for his own ends.Plus: And we mustn’t let him get his hands on those Babes.All: He’s trying to kill them!!!

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Prise: In blatant contravention of every safety regulation in the book.Ten: Good work my brave and true warriors, we need a plan and we need one quick.Jack: Mister, we’re bored.Jill: Can we play a game?Jack: Can we play hide and seek?Jill: Yes please! Can we Mister, can we???Ten: That’s it, out of the mouths of babes and sucklings! That gives me a cracking idea! We

shall play my little ones and your Uncle shall play too.Babes: Oo yes Uncle Boris, come on, let’s play. (They take him by the hand and bring him to

centre, front of stage).Ten: Now then Dukester close your eyes and turn round several times. We will count up to

100.Boz: Oh I say. Can’t we make it less, I’m a little pressed for time, places to go, things to do. Ten: 50? 25?Boz: Make it 5 and Bozza promises not to peep.Lee: Don’t trust him Captain. He’s a stranger to the truth.Boz: You wound me, I’m a man of my word.Plus: Him speak with forked tongue!Ten: Let’s settle for 10 then, but veeeery slowly. And give him a good spin too me hearties.

Go.(They do but they have forgotten the Babes who wander off stage by themselves).Knights: …. 8,9,10.Boz: Right, now hand over the tinies you blaggards.Ten: Naughty, naughty, this is a game remember. They hide, you seek. (The Knights have

backed into position where the Babes were, to form a barrie, but don’t look behind themselvesr).

Boz: Ready or not, here I come. Well which way did they go you nitwits?Knights: Thataway! (Pointing in wrong direction).Boz: You better not be pulling the wool over my peepers you nerds, I have deep, dark

dungeons at my disposal. And the food there is particularly disgusting!Kit: Yeah yeah, whatever.Lee: Good luck in your search Dooky Wooky.Plus: Adios amigo.Prise: And don’t stray from the designated pathways.Boz: Grrrr. I’ll get you for this. (He goes).Ten: Right men let’s get those Babes to a place of safety pronto.Plus; But, but, they’re gone!Lee: They can’t be.Kit: We left them just here.Prise: A place in which now they are not.Ten: Calamity, we must use all our expertise and spring right into action. Gotta get to The

Babes before the bad geezer finds ‘em. You two go that way, and you two that way. I’ll cover the back trail in case they returned to the Castle. (They dash off).

(The Babes come back on).Jack: Where have they gone?Jill: I don’t know. I’m sure this is where they were.Jack: How are we going to get home?Jill: I’m not sure. I don’t know which way to go.Jack: Well if we stay here, someone is bound to find us.Jill: Good idea. But what shall we do?Jack: Let’s have a rest. We’ll lie down on this grassy bank and have a sleep until someone

comes. (They do).(Enter The Monkeys).QK: They say that humans are our nearest cousins but really, sometimes they haven’t got the

sense they were born with! Fancy letting these two youngsters wander alone in a dark forest.

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Punctual: They must be exhausted the poor little mites.Helpful: And cold.Cheeky: And hungry too.Eager: And lonely.Thoughtful: And frightened.QK: We must look after them and make sure they are safe.Helpful: Let’s feed them to start with.Thoughtful: What do they eat?Punctual: Bananas and leaves and bamboo shoots, like us?QK: I think so, but my dears, you may not believe this, they set fire to their food (all gasp),

and then they eat it!Cheeky: Wow, does it set them on fire too?QK: They say it makes the food really tasty.Eager: Yeuch! But it must hurt them.QK: Not a bit as far as I can make out. It is the enigma of man’s red fire my lovely troop. And

they use it for warmth and in other ways, to control the world. I must learn it’s secret if only I can.

Eager: Can we adopt them and bring them up in our family?Thoughtful: We did that once before.Helpful: And that worked out OK.(FX Tarzan cry).Cheeky: But first we must keep them snug and warm.QK: We need something that we can cover them with. It must be warm and it must be dry.Cheeky: Sticks.Eager: Roots.Thoughtful: Sand.Helpful: Petals.Punctual: Leaves.QK: That’s it. Leaves. They are under a tree if it should rain and the leaves will keep them all

toasty whilst they sleep.Thoughtful: And protect them from danger too.QK: True, some bad men come into this wood with evil in their hearts.Cheeky: That tall one with the posh voice.Eager: And the one on wheels.QK: Yes my sweets, do not meddle with those two, they are bad to the bone. I have observed

them. Particularly the wheelie one. All: He’s wheely bad.QK: Gather together all the dry leaves you can find and cover the wee ones, gently and

lovingly.(They do so, slowly and tenderly as the lights fade to black. Then the lights come up and the whole cast come back to the stage to sing).

SONG Sunrise, Sunset

INTERVAL

ACT TWOSONG My Favourite Things(as introduction music is playing)Steps: I’m really worried about those childrenDust: Me too.Lights: They’ve been lost for agesLiquid: It just makes me so sad to think of themDust: All aloneCake: Well what can we do to cheer ourselves up?Nuff: Can we sing a song?Steps: Good idea, but what song?Lights: How about that Austrian song. It’s got something about strudel in it.

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Liquid: My favourite things?Cake: That’s the one. Let’s all give it a try.SONG My favourite thingsScene1 The Wild Wood( Main stage - Knavesmire Wood)(Enter F J)FJ: Choo! Ooh whats happened now? Back in the woods. And what do I find. A brace of

Babes deep in slumber! Royal Babes I’m thinking, surely these two are Jack and Jill. Why are they sleeping in the forest with no protection apart from a blanket of leaves. Here’s a chance for a smart Fairy Queen. I dare not wake them myself but I can put a forcefield around them and cast a spell to make sure they’re protected. The strongest spell is where only their true parents can wake them with a kiss. That’ll be the safest thing. Ibble wibble oofle dust Protect these babes this fairy must Sweet innocents I promise this You shall only wake to a parent’s kiss. Wow that rhymed and very nearly scanned too. Job done. Gotta find my surly students now and bring them up to speed. You’ve still got it FJ!(Exit)

(Enter Monkeys)QK: Here they are my merry chimp chums, safe in the land of nod, I wonder what they are

dreaming about.Monks: Aaw, sweet, etc.QK: Time to wake them up my dears I’m afraid.Helpful: Why would we do that Queenie.Thoughtful: They look so peaceful.Cheeky: Shame to disturb them.QK: I have a few questions to ask them, they may be able to help us.Eager: Is it about how to make fire chief?QK: Yes, my dears I must know their secret.Eager: Righto, let’s do it, shall I poke them with a sharp stick?Thoughtful: Oh no, we must be gentle to set a good example to the humans.Cheeky: We could tell them a rude joke.QK: Shall I read them a poem?Cheeky: No need to go that far QK.Helpful: I could dance for them.QK: We must wake them like Tarzan, they will understand that, he was nearly human himself.(All make Tarzan noise).QK: Lovely! That should do the trick.Helpful: It hasn’t Miss.Cheeky: I can hear them snoring!Thoughtful: They must be tired the poor dears, they won’t be used to the forest.Helpful: I bet they live in a palace, whatever that is.Thoughtful: Or in the old Terry’s factory.Eager: Or The Minster.Punctual: Or the Railway Museum. Cheeky: Or Tang Hall!QK: But we must wake them.Eager: Let me try the sharp stick.Thoughtful: No, we must leave them in peace and that’s final!QK: Ok, ok. But who else could we ask about fire? I tried by asking in the Crystal Palace one

day, I ordered a pint of their best beer. “That’ll be £5”, they said. What! I said. They said, “we don’t get many gorillas in here”. I said I’m not surprised at those prices!

Cheeky: We can ask somebody else, listen! I can hear human voices now.(Enter Fred and Sir Prise)Prise: … and if you use this special scheme in your kitchen you can reduce the risk of fire by 5%.Fred: Really, well, I…. Oh good morning Mrs. Primate, lovely day isn’t it?

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QK: (To her monkeys) He mentioned fire, listen and learn may baby baboons.Monks: Baboons! QK: Did you mention fire good sirs, could you teach us how to make it?Fred: I think she is trying to talk to us.Prise: But I can’t understand what she says.Fred: Just sounds like oo, oo, oo to me. (To QK) We-no-speekee-monkee!Thoughtful: How can we understand what they say when they can’t understand us!QK: Well, you have to understand my dears that humans are not properly evolved yet. One

day they may be as advanced as us.Eager: (Sadly) A lower form of life.Helpful: The poor lambs.Cheeky: Stupid things.QK: Let’s sing to them and maybe then they will understand a little bit better.SONG I Wanna Be Like YouThoughtful: Nothing doing QK.QK: Alright then, let’s try a bit of busking in St Helen’s Square.(Exit Monkeys).Fred and Prise: oo oo oo oo …(They exit)(Enter Fairies)Steps: Wow fantastic, our maiden broomstick flight. Wasn’t that the business!Lights: Naturals they said we were.Cake: Born to it. Loved flying upside down.Liquid: And over the forest and fields.Dust: And hills and dalesNuff: I feel sick!Lights: Oh it’s just the excitement, you were amazing.Cake: But now girls back to the quest – saving Freddie.Steps: What have we learned that will help us? Dust: Potions?Liquid: We have no notion of potions.Steps: What about predicting the future?Lights: Not available due to unforeseen circumstances.Steps: I should have seen that coming. Dust: Spells?Cake: Now you are talking. We’ve got this mighty tome here. “ 1000 Super Spells, How To Get

Ahead In The Witching Business” by F Jeckyl. That couldn’t be our leader could it?Lights: Who else could it be?Steps: There couldn’t be two with that name.Cake: A published author of a venerated text. I got it from Warthogs Library. Wow, who’d have

thought it! Let’s try one.Liquid: What about that one – a finding spell.Dust: What are we going to find?Cake: What about FJ. All together then girls, follow my lead.(Wands poised).Steps: Hang on, hang on but do we want to find her just now, weren’t we going to solve the

conundrum and make a name for ourselves. If we find her she’ll only take all the credit and do none of the work.

Lights: Yeah, let’s go it alone.Steps: All agreed.(Enter FJ)FJ: Hallo my sweet fairy scholars (seeing their expressions and their still raised wands). Er, I

mean my, soon to be, witches. What time is it?Lights: About half past….FJ: No I mean is it now?Liquid: When else would it be?FJ: Just checking, definitely not the past?Steps: She’s past her sell by date!

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FJ: Excellent, congratulate me my brood, your beloved Fairy J can travel into the Memory Dimension!

Cake: Boy oh boy, she’s really lost the plot now!Dust: Oh, is there a plot?Liquid: (Taking FJ by the hand). Come and have a quiet sit down over here, dear.Nuff: Shall I get you a nice cup of tea?Lights: Were you abducted by aliens?Steps: Or brainwashed.Cake: Tricky, they’d have to find her brain first!FJ: No really, I can, and I did and I shall. But it was done against my will, something has

been playing havoc with my central magical core and manipulating my very existence!Lights: Definitely aliens.Cake: Or GCHQ.FJ: No, this is deep, malevolent sorcery from the dark side of wizardry. But who, how?Steps: Not Derren Brown then.FJ: And remember that befuddled human who came to us with his memory crisis?Nuff: Forgetful Freddie?FJ: Even he. Surely that poor and feeble muggle was in the same predicament as I. In the grip

of evil! A little voice in the back of my mind is telling me our destinies may be connected. Let me think my coven cuties.

Cake: There’s a first time for everything. But first what about that long delayed lesson?Steps: We want to learn how to control strange and magical creatures. And ride unicorns.Lights: And how to weave a cloak of invisibility.Liquid: And how to become shapeshifters.Dust: And time turnersNuff: And please Miss, I want a pointed hat.FJ: Never mind that. There’s another thing I wanted to tell you. I have just done some really

powerful magic to protect those little children from the palace.Liquid: What Jack and Jill?FJ: Yes, I think that’s their names.Lights: Where did you see them?FJ: Over there in the forest. I cast a spell so that only their parents could wake them with a

kiss.Steps: You do know their parents have disappeared, don’t you.Dust: And we’ve been searching for the children for hoursFJ: Ah. I forgot that. I might just have been a little hasty there. Still we all make mistakes.Cake: But not great whopping ones like that.Steps: That’s really put the cat among the pigeonsLiquid: Engage brain before wave wand?FJ: Now then! Everybody is entitled to a little slip up now and then.Lights: But not a slip that condemns two children to an everlasting sleep!Nuff: Now what do we do?

(Enter Hermione).Herm: Don’t worry Fairy J Help is on the way

Good Professor D Has put his trust in me I do not mean to tease But think ye of a sneeze

(She goes)Nuff: I’ve got a cold Miss.FJ: And so have I. Wait a minute, that was Hermione Grainger I’m sure. Top graduate and …Cake: Bighead, clever clogs, talking in rhyme. Show off.Steps: No wait on. Fairy J has got something.Lights: Yeah, fairy flu!

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Steps: No, no. Hermione was giving us a clue. Those sneezes are significant, we must use our powers to work out a solution.

FJ: Quite so, let us repair to our bower and get on the case. I’m sure if we can understand where sneezes fit, then we can sort out what to do about the children. (They exit).

Scene 2 Change of careers?Enter Sir Ten and Nurse Ten: I don’t think I’m really cut out for these deeds of derring do, I just don’t have the derring.

I think I might try a career in transcendental meditation.Nan: It’s better than sitting around doing nothing! Speaking of career changes, though, I have

been thinking about my future too. I thought I had better have a backup plan in case the bairns are gone forever, bless their little hearts (dabs at eye with handkerchief). How about we combine forces and go into business together?

Ten: Are you certain?Nan: I thought that was you?Ten: What was who?Nan: Sir Ten.Ten: Yes, I’m Sir Ten, but are you certain?Nan: We can’t both be Sir Ten. Now I’m getting confused.Ten: I just wanted to make sure you were certainNan: Hang on. When you say Sir Ten, are you talking about the knight of the realm, or another

word for sure?Ten: Ah, I see your problem. Sure.Nan: (Frustrated) But are you sure about the problem or sure about being Sir Ten or what are

you sure about?Ten: There’s no need to be surly about it.Nan: Sir Lee, when did he come into all this. I think we had better start again.Ten: For certain. Now I asked you whether you were certain, (Nan glares) err, sure, that you

wanted to set up a partnership. It sounds like a joust of an idea. But what sort of trade could we go in for?

Nan: Well I’ve always had a bit of a hankering . . .Ten: I thought you were walking funny.Nan: Silly boy! I was going to say, I’ve always wanted to bring out my creative sideTen: Why, is it better than this one?Nan: Will you just let me finish! I think I could do very well in the home improvement

business.Ten: When you say ‘improvement’ what exactly do you mean?Nan: Well, something along the lines of interior design and makeover.Ten: Keep goingNan: I suppose I mean painting and decoratingTen: What on earth makes you think you could be a painter?Nan: I just feel I might have done it in a previous life. Ten: No harm in trying, I guess, though I may regret saying that. Let’s see what we can find

round here (Ten brings pasting table and Nan gets bucket with brush already in and a piece of wallpaper, rolled (the piece is just long enough so that if it hangs over the edge is stays, but when it is level with the edge it rolls itself up again). Ten then fetches wall)

Nan: Right let’s get started with the pasting (she places the paper on the table with the end of the paper over the edge so that it stays, but when she get to the other end, pulls it towards her so that the paper rolls up again. The process is repeated from the other side)This is no good. Rather than standing there meditating, how about holding the end of the paper?

Ten: What like this? (He holds the paper up to his chest)Nan: That’s right. Now don’t move a muscle until I tell you. (She starts to paste the other end

just doing it small bits at a time)

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Ten: We’ll be here all night at that speed, can’t you do it a bit quicker (Nan uses larger strokes and inevitable ends up pasting up Ten’s front and face)I suppose I asked for that. I think you missed a bit (Nan advances with paste brush) No, not me, on the paper! (Nan quickly finished soaking the paper). Now where do we hang it?

Nan: How about over here? (they carry the soggy piece of paper over to ‘the wall’ and quickly paste it up. The hope is that if we only use water, the paper will immediately peel back off the wall over the top of Ten who is crouched at the bottom.)

Ten: I think we had better call that an abject failure. Let’s clear this lot out of the way and see if you are any better at painting. (They remove the paste table, paper, and wall, and Ten brings in the wall with window, Nan brings in a roller tray filled with custard pie mix and a roller)

Nan: You can have any colour you like, as long as it’s white.Ten: I suppose we had better have white then. (Nan starts rolling one side of the window)

I think I’ll have a look from the other side (Ten goes round to the back of the window and puts his head through.)

Nan: Where did he go? (Nan looks around behind her and at the same time smears the roller right across the window and over Ten’s face)

Audience He’s behind you!Oh, there you are. You look very pale all of a sudden have you seen a ghost?

Ten: You are absolutely hopeless. Here give me the paint, I’ll show you how it’s done. (Ten comes round the front and grabs the tray and roller. He starts of the other side of the window)See it isn’t hard (Boris now comes and put his head through the window)

Boz: Cripes what sort of a wheeze is going on here? (Nan jumps and exclaims, and in the process of turning suddenly, Ten smears the roller over Boris’ face)I say, old chum, that’s a bit beyond the pale dontcha think. Bozza is getting a bit of a deja vue thing here. Not at all called for, me thinks. I can feel the old blue blood boiling in its veins. (Goes side stage and picks up a bucket of goo)What do you think boys and girls, shall I?

Audience Yes (He places bucket on Nan’s head)Boz: Now I suggest you clear up prompto and get yourselves back to the castle before the lid

really comes off.Ten & Nan: Yes, your archdukeship, straight away (they exit and curtains close)

Scene 3 Freddie and Sally RememberFred: Hello boys and girls!

(Audience) I’m not doing any shopping today. I am here because she is coming here any second, Sally, She really is. There is no mistake this time! Oh I’m so excited! I have made up my mind to speak to her and tell her how I feel. My heart is beating so fast. I am terrified I will be tongue tied and not able to say a word! But I can do this I’m sure I can. Wish me luck boys and girls!(Audience) Oh, oh I think I hear her footsteps.

(Enter Sally, Fred freezes)Sal: (To audience). Oh golly it’s him, I’ve found him at last. Be still my beating heart. Deep

breath Sal! Oh but he looks so gorgeous, better than Ross Poldark even! I could eat him up with a spoon! Best foot forward girl, wish me luck boys and girls.(Audience) Here goes.(They move towards each other as if in a trance, romantic music).

Sal/Fred:(Shyly) Hello. Do you come here often? (They break into giggles).Sal: I’ve been wanting to talk to you.Fred: Oh wow, and I’ve been desperate to meet you.Sal: You work in the castle.

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Fred: I know and you work in the castle.Sal: I know too. I’ve seen you going out of the drawbridge from my miserable garret sewing

room.Fred: And I’ve seen you crossing the courtyard sometimes when I can get away from the

kitchen for a moment or two. I’ve longed to be able to catch your eye.Sal: Oh me too. But surely as a cordon bleu chef you were able to move freely about the

castle.Fred: A chef, alas not I. They won’t even let me fry a sausage! I am the lowest of the low, a

kitchen rat! Oh but Sally I adore you just the same, although I know you are far above me as a designer of elegant royal costumes.

Sal: Don’t make me laugh Fred, I am just a tailor’s maid, mending and patching from dawn to dusk. But I think you are super, have you got a girlfriend?

Fred: No but I have longed to have a sweetheart to call my own, and in my dreams that girlfriend looked exactly like you.

Sal: I too have dreams of romance and true love and it is you Fred that I see when I close my eyes.

Fred: Oh gosh, oh Sally.Sal: Oh Fred, would you…..Fred: Yes I think I would….SONG Where Or WhenSal: What’s happening, I’m feeling strange vibrations, can you feel them too?Fred: I, I ….(Blackout. FJ appears in front of curtain in spotlight)FJ: As soon as we got the book of spells opened, the dust that flew out made Nuff sneeze and

look what it has done to me yet again. Here I am back in the memory dimension. At least I know how to get here. The big question is how do I get back. But first the here and now! I am getting two really strong memories intermingling. One belongs to Freddie, and the other, . . . the other is Sally. Are these two connected in some way? (blue lights come on stage. Freddie and Sally walk on slowly). Well they seem very friendly, certainly, and they are both remembering the same thing. (Freddie and Sally turn round and look terrified, they act like they have been shot and fall to the ground, all in slowish motion) I’m getting a feeling of strong bad magic in this memory. There’s only one person who could have done this. They are still in danger. I must get back to reality. I need to sneeze. Does anybody have a feather or a dirty duster? Wait, my wand. There must be a sneezing spell. Think Jecklehyde, think. Ah, that might do it.From grass or treescast on the breezemay pollen easemy need to sneezeAh ah ah Chooooo

(FJ disappears. Blackout so Freddie and Sally can get off. Lights up and Freddie and Sally walk on )Sal: I just remembered being with youFred: So did I, I mean I remembered being with you, and getting attacked by someone awful.Sal: What does it all mean? (Enter Nanny)Nan: Hello Prince Ferdinand. Morning Princess Sarah. Can’t stop to chat just now, I must get

on.(Goes to to exit then does a huge double take).Fred: Prince who?Sal: Princess!!Nan: What are you doing here? Where have you been? You should be in the Castle.Fred: We know, I must get back to the kitchen, Sal Sal: And I to my sewing room Fred.Nan: Sewing, kitchen, Fred, Sal!?! What are you talking about? May the Saints preserve us.

Now pay heed to Nanny. Get your revered royal personages back to the throne room in

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double quick time. Give that idle brother of yours his marching orders and get Holgate back in order. Eee, I never did!

Fred: Royal? Sal: Throne? Fred: Who are you madam?

(Enter Hermione and DD).Fred/Sal/Nan: Eek, where did you two appear from?DD: We apparated my friends. I am Professor Dawdledum of Warthogs. This is Hermione.

We have information that may be of the utmost importance. Explain away Miss Grainger.Herm: Listen very carefully.Nan: You will say it only once?Herm: Stop it and pay attention. Fred and Sally you are not who you think you are. You have

been bewitched by an evil sorcerer, who wants to steal your, wealth, position and even your souls! This same malignant wizard has influenced your brother, Fred, to kidnap your children, for the moment his plot has been thwarted by a kindly troop of gorillas, but we have no time to lose we must find them right away!

Fred: Our children? My brother?Sal: And who are we?Fred: And how do we know each other?Nan: Oh for goodness sakes. You are Prince Ferdinand and you are Princess Sarah. You went

missing yonks ago. We couldn’t find you anywhere and now your brother Boris has taken your place. For royal persons you are a bit slow on the uptake.

Fred: But …Sal: Fred those strange dreams and visions we both had….Fred: Could they have been……DD: Help them HermioneHerm: Memorymus returnimus. (Sound/light effect).Fred and Sal: Ferdie! Sarah! (They embrace).Nan: The penny drops at last!Fred: Wow, we fell in love twice and didn’t even know who we really were.Sal: But we did Ferdie, don’t you see? Our love has saved us! For each other and for the little

ones.Fred: Where are Jack and Jill, we must see them at once. You said they were in peril?Herm: I did and they are but help is at hand, follow me….(Enter The Knights with Boris at swordpoint)Ten: We can help you there too, here is the villain your highnesses, we caught him red handed!Lee: With a razor sharp dagger!Kit: And a murderous look in his eye!Plus: Looking for the Babes!Prise: The Health and Safety Executive will throw the book at him.Fred: What have you done with our children, you snake in the grass!Boz: (Sneering) Archduke Boris you mean.Nan: He’s not a Duke, he’s a very naughty boy.Boz: But Nanny you can put in a good word for me, surely?Nan: I don’t know about that you bad lad and stop calling me Shirley!Fred: We will deal with you later, these bold knights will hold you in secure custody until we

have Jack and Jill back safely.Boz: (To Audience) Lumme! Don’t like the sound of that! Being held in custard!Sal: But where are the children, has anybody seen them?Ten: We managed to save them from this fake Duke but they gave us the slip and went into the

Forest.Sal: We must all go after them, NOW!

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Fred: (To Hermione) You mentioned some friendly forest dwellers. Sir Prise and I met some Chimps in there, do you mean them.

Herm: Yes, you are on the right track but where can they be at the moment?DD: The auroscope my dear.Herm: Of course, it will guide them to us! (Sound FX/Music)](Enter Monkeys).DD: Allow me to introduce Queen Kong guardians of the woodlands. Gorillas, by your leave

Prince Ferdinand, not chimps.Monks: Oo, oo, oo …DD: Hermione a spell if you please.Herm: Humanus understandus! QK: We know where your young ones are your highnesses.Friendly: Deep in the woodland realm.Cheeky: Safe in slumber.Eager: Snug as bugs in a rug.Thoughtful: Dreaming of Mum and Dad.Helpful: But we can’t wake them up.Punctual: Not even when we sang to them.QK: They seem to have been enchanted and are also protected by a forcefieldSal: Oh, my poor darlings, my babes in the woods! (to QK) But where are they, can you take

us to them.QK: Follow meHerm: Professor, I’ll catch up with you in a minute. Something tells me we are about to benefit

from a defectorDD: What from UKIP or the conservatives?Herm: No. This one might be very useful.DD: Very well. (DD exits, Herm comes down onto apron. Curtain closes.)

Scene 4 Defection from the Dark Side( SS enters from side)SS: Young woman!Herm: Are you addressing me?SS: I see no one else to fit that description in this vicinityHerm: True. What would you with me?SS: I would ask if you know the whereabouts of a certain Professor Dawdledumb?Herm: Who do you want, Sir Ten or Professor Dawdeldumb?SS: I thought I was the one who didn’t make any sense. Forsooth, child, it is DawdleDumb I

seek.Herm: Well I am his assistant, Hermione Grainger. Can I help?SS: I suppose. I wish to disassociate myself from a certain evil magicianHerm: Sir Ten isn’t an evil magician he’s a rather dodgy knight.SS: Are you being deliberately obtuse, girl? I refer to Bingo, my dastardly overlord.Herm: Ah. But why do you want to abandon Bingo and seek a righteous path?SS: I thinking forward to my retirement, dear, and I don’t want to end up a lonely hated old

woman. Power and wealth are all very well, but you don’t have any real friends.Herm: Very true. Love and friendship are the keys to happiness. Can you help us to defeat

Bingo.SS: You have already mentioned his great weakness. He thrives on misery but cannot abide

happiness. It was the love and happiness of Fred and Sally that saved them when he tried to attack them in the forest. All he could do was rob them of their memories. Still, better than a scar on your forehead.

Herm: So if we can persuade everybody to be happy, Bingo’s curses will be undone.SS: In truth, verily, thou art not mistakenHerm: Do you mean yes?SS: Yes

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Herm: Then let us go and find everybody and make them deliriously joyful. (They exit to side stage. Children have been put in place under leaf blanket, but with heads showing. Curtains open and monkeys come on and go past the children, turn and point to them, F,S, Nan, knights, Boris & DD follow and stay other side)

QK: Here they are, fast asleep. Cheeky: We tried everything we could think of to wake them.Eager: Except we didn’t use a sharp stick.Thoughtful: But nothing worked.Helpful: It’s like it was a school morning.Punctual: So we’re told. Monkeys don’t actually go to school.Cheeky: Although there seem to be a lot of monkeys in school.(Enter FJ and the fairies)FJ: Fred and Sally. So glad you’re safeSteps: FJ told us about your encounter with BingoCake: That’s real power.Lights: But we were very worriedDust: That he might get you again.Liquid: So very glad to see you still in one pieceFJ: Now about those babes…Sorry and all that, it was a rather terrible mistake I do admitFred: What are you talking about?Steps: Not that we like to dob anybody inDust: All for one, and one for all type thingCake: But FJ make a big booboo and cast one humdinger of a spellLights: That means only the prince and princess can wake them up with a kissLiquid: Which is unfortunate as they seem to have vanishedNuff: Off the face of the earthNan: How behind the times are you. Where have you been for the last half an hour?Nuff: In the dressing roomFJ: Do I get the impression we are missing something here? Nobody is looking very worried.DD: It appears that Freddie and Sally are really Prince Ferdinand and Princess Sarah of

Holgate. Bingo had robbed them of their memories.Boris: And now I’ve been robbed of the chance of a rollover jackpot payout. Boo Hoo. I wonder

if the tabloids would be interested in my life story, what?Fred: So all we need to doSally: Is kiss our children to wake them up?FJ Yes, yes. How wonderful everything has turned out.(Fred and Sal go over to babes and kiss them. They wake and stretch)Jack: MummyJill: Daddy (They leap up and embrace, then swap over)Jack: Where have you been?Jill: And why did you go?Sally: It’s a long story, but we’re all safe now.DD: Well maybe now quite yet. Amid all this joy, we still have the problem of Bingo hovering

menacingly over us.(Herm and SS enter)Herm: I’m glad to see so many smiling faces, this will make our job much easierDD: Ah, Hermione, so glad you have joined us. Perhaps you’d like to explain that remark.Herm: Samantha can explain. It’s all to do with how to defeat BingoSS: Professor, know you the old blind hermit who lives all alone in a humble cave?DD: I don’t believe I doSS: Well, Two things you should know about the old blind hermit. The first is that he is old

and a hermit. And the second is...DD: That he is visually impaired?

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SS: No, that he is throwing a cheese and wine party on Wednesday week! Well he says that many a mickle macks a muckle and you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

DD: And what has that to do with defeating Bingo?SS: Nothing. But the old hermit says it, so it must be important.Herm: Apparently, Bingo is hyper allergic to happiness. So all we need to do to undo all his

wrongdoing is to make everybody happy. It looks like you have all been doing a great job up here, but I think we need more happiness than that.

(Bingo takes up a position by the apron and is lit by the spotlight)Bingo: (Maniacal laughter). So you have made my job much easier by all congregating within

wand’s range. (Spluttering car starting sound effect). But what is wrong, my magic seems strangely ineffective. Could it be a sudden inexplicable breakout of joyous mirth has dented my powers?

FJ: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we have an ideal opportunity to render Bingo completely powerless by demonstrating a sudden upsurge in global happiness. I think the best way of showing Bingo the upswing in our mood is by singing about happiness. So will you join me and the cast, apart from Bingo, in singing Ken Dodd’s song about happiness. We’ll sing through the chorus, then you have a go. Then we’ll sing it all through with the cast singing the verses, and you all join in the chorus. We’ll all sing the first time, then my left hand side sing the next time after verse 1, my right hand side can sing after verse 2, and we’ll all sing the repeat at the end. Lights and words please, crew. Take it away Bob.

SONG Happiness (Audience participation)FJ: Well, which side won?(Any announcement/birthdays)FJ: So Bingo what do you have to say now?Bingo: Curses, drat and double drat. It was all going so well. I’m not going without a fight.(Fr John as Priscilla enters from back doors and come to front)Nan: What’s Bingo done to our parish Priest? He’s been turned into a giant goose! Called

Priscilla!Bingo: Don’t worry Father. It will wear off. Eventually. I go, but I’ll be back! (moves away from

apron)Fr John: It had better do! Oh dear, oh dear, I’m due in Middlesbrough on Monday. What will the

Bishop say?Boris: I say, I suddenly feel like I have been on the wrong side, don’t ‘cha know. Has there been

a vote or something. It all seems like a dashed bad memory. Did I make some awful promises, or kidnap some children or something? Whatever I’ve done, I’m most dreadfully sorry, it just wasn’t me.

Fred: I think we have all suffered from Bingo’s machinations. Sally: I’m glad it’s all over. Nan: All’s well that ends well. I think we’ve all ended up a lot happier than we started. (to

audience) And I hope you all have too.(Exeunt all).Scene 5 The WalkDown(Children enter to apron, then adults onto stage)SONG Spread A Little Happiness That’s All Folks

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