avoiding the fight

7/26/2019 Avoiding the Fight

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From some other article

Just because she's mad is no reason why you have to get mad, too. You're a

separate person with separate feelings. Be conscious of the tendency to match

emotions, and don't do it.

Avoiding the ght.

any men mista!enly thin! their manhood is threatened if they don't rise to the

occasion of any proposed con"ict. Yet there's nothing wrong with avoiding a

ght. #f she's angry but it doesn't suit you to tangle $ you're tired, busy, or %ust

not in the mood $ then go ahead and avoid the argument. &a!e the steam out of

the engine.

ow do you do that( #t's not easy, but you should master the basics. First,

)on't match emotions.

Almost everybody in our culture, male and female, will instinctively match a

strong emotion emanating from another person. #f the other person is sad, we

feel sad, too. #f they're happy, we %oin the happiness. And if they are angry, we'll

feel anger within moments. &his response feels li!e the natural thing to do.

But hold on.

Just because she's mad is no reason why you have to get mad, too. You're a

separate person with separate feelings. Be conscious of the tendency to match

emotions, and don't do it.

&his is easier said than done. #t re*uires practice.

+et's ta!e an eample. -he wal!s into the room and says furiously, /hy didn't

you call today when you said you would(

You've had a hard day at the o0ce, and you're tired, and your rst thought is

what the hell is she going on about now( # can do without this crap. # didn't say

#'d call. # only said #'d try to call. And then # got busy and couldn't do it. /hat is

the big fuc!ing deal( # sent her "owers last wee!.

&hin!ing these and similar thoughts, you will nd it re*uires a powerful e1ort notto spea! them aloud. And any of these views, uttered aloud, will guarantee a

ght. For eample2

/hat the hell are you going on about now( You have a ght.

# can do without this crap. Fight.

# didn't say #'d call. Fight.

# only said #'d try to call. Fight.

/hat is the big fuc!ing deal( # sent you "owers last wee!. Fight.


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-o you see that all your usual internal thoughts, running through your mind,

guarantee a ght if they are uttered aloud. #n part, this is because you have

become angry in response to her anger $ you've matched her emotion.

But also, in part, it's because you have defended yourself, focusing on who's

right. But to avoid a ght,

Forget about who's right.

3erhaps you !now, in your heart of hearts, that you're right. You clearly

remember that you eplicitly did not promise her you'd call. 4n the contrary, you

told her you had a busy unpredictable day ahead, but you'd try to call. -o she's

o1 base now about the phone call and her anger is unwarranted. -he's accused

you un%ustly. You would li!e nothing better than to set her straight.

But wait.

5ven if what you believe is true, and she's wor!ed herself into an inappropriate

rage, setting her straight, even in a calm voice, will %ust ma!es her feelings

worse. 6ow she'll have all these upset feelings and no place to put them.

5cept on you.

And that's eactly what she'll do. /ith a vengeance.

-o you might as well forget about who's right. You can't avoid a ght by

eplaining to her why she is wrong, no matter how reasonably you do it. You'll

have to do something else, namely

7iss the hurt.

&he only way to avoid a ght is to see the situation, at this eact moment, from

her point of view. /hatever you actually said that morning, she went away

thin!ing that you were going to call her $ loo!ing forward to your call $ and

when it never came, she felt slighted and angry. You can understand how that

would feel, can't you(

8eali9e that :;< of what an angry, wounded person wants is ac!nowledgement

and sympathy. &hey want some variation of # see you=>?re angry and # am sorry

you are upset. &hey want you to !iss the hurt and ma!e it better.

-o %ust do it.

any men can't feel sympathetic in this moment, because they get hung up on

the fact that they are being blamed. -he is blaming you, accusing you un%ustly.

#t's annoying and angering and illogical.

But wait. All you have to do is,

-ympathi9e without accepting blame.


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Few domestic ghters learn this vital and powerful techni*ue. #t's one of the

most important in any ghter's arsenal. You do it this way2

oney, #'m sorry you felt disappointed. #'d never want you to feel that way. #

guess we misunderstood each other this morning. # thought # only said #'d try to

call. But # !now how bad it feels to wait all day for something that neverhappens. #t feels lousy. #'m sorry it happened.

&he rst time you ma!e a response li!e this, it'll feel weird and wea!. A pussy,

wimpy sort of speech. But in fact this approach has stunning power. #t will almost

always ta!e the steam out of her sails. And it ta!es nothing from you. 6otice you

are sympathetic to her position without ever agreeing she is %ustied to hold it.

4n the contrary, you've calmly disagreed with her eplanation for how the

situation came about. But you are not blaming anybody. And you !eep the focus

on what you both can agree on $ that you're sorry she feels bad now.

&his procedure also wor!s well with repetition, wearing her down.

@ee, honey, #'m sorry you feel that way.

)on't call me honey.

Jennifer, #'m sorry that you felt stood up.

6o, you're not.

Yes, # am. #t must have felt terrible.

#t did, yes.

Jen, #'d never want you to feel that way. #'m really sorry it happened.

#f you !eep epressing sympathy in a genuine, honest way, it's very unli!ely that

she can press onward to a ght.

nless, of course, you want to have a ght, too.

AC#6@ &5 F#@&

+et's assume you're in the mood. &here's a snarl forming on your lips. You're

ready to tangle, and tangle big.

+et's also assume the ght is about something. D&his is not always true in a

domestic *uarrel, but let's assume it is, anyway.E &he ght is about coming to

grips with some con"ict, or revealing some wounded emotion. #n my view,

anything that gets the ghters to the underlying point of the ght is good.

Anything that evades the point is bad.

4!ay. ere's how # recommend you do it2


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6o drugs or alcohol.

ave a serious ght totally sober. 8e*uire it of others. 6ot a sip of beer at lunch,

not a glass of wine after coming home. 6ot a drag or a pill. 6o ingested

substances. 8ules for ghting should be essentially the same as rules for driving

a car or operating dangerous machinery.

6o physical violence.

6o violence on either side, of any !ind. 6o throwing pots and pans, no !ic!ing

furniture, no brea!ing glass, no sweeping stu1 o1 the des!, no slamming the

wall, no biting, pinching, hitting, slapping or !ic!ing. 6o threats to do so2 no

bunched st raised to stri!e.

#n short, no physical violence and no threats of physical violence to a person or

their belongings.

3eriod.

#t's a very smart rule. First of all, face facts2 we live in a time when violence by

men against women is held in the media spotlight, while violence by women

against men goes largely unheeded. 6obody's interested in your version. #f she

gets drun!, gets really pissed o1, pulls a gun or a !nife and !ills you, everybody

will assume that you must have done something to deserve it.

-econd, in any violent encounter men, being bigger and stronger, have an

advantage. #f the verbal battle becomes heated enough, women may feel

intimidated, and men may worry that their words or gestures are unfairlyintimidating. &hus the mere possibility of violence can actually cause men to

restrain their verbal attac!s. &hat's debilitating. You may have run across a

woman cunning enough, when the verbal battle is not going her way, to

suddenly retreat in apparent fear, pretending that she thin!s you are about to hit

her. #t's a !nown ploy. er behavior will completely change the contet of the

dispute. Before it was %ust an argument. 6ow it's whether or not she is %ustied in

fearing that you'll hit her.

-o. /ise up, and obviate these ha9ards. 8e*uire that all violence be ruled out.

&ell her that if she gets violent you will stop the ght or leave.

#f you, or she, can't stic! to that rule, then you've got a problem that re*uires

professional help.

And if you're in a relationship that gets o1 on physical violence, good luc! to you

both.

8espect your opponent.

6ever laugh at her. 6o matter how idiotic you nd what she is saying. 6ot a

laugh, not a snic!er, not a condescending smile.


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)on't imitate her speech patterns or her body movements. )on't eaggerate or

caricature.

)on't triviali9e her verbal positions.

And especially,)on't characteri9e her.

ave you ever had someone say, +et me tell you what your problem is( You're

immediately angry. Fighting words. #t's a natural reaction.

-o, don't tell her what her problem is. )on't tell her what !ind of a person she is.

-he won't li!e it any better than you would. Besides, in the midst of a ght, your

opinion of her is actually rather predictable. #f you're really furious, then the

chances are you thin!2

a. she always pulls this shit.

b. she has no selfcontrol.

c. she's really stupid.

d. all her friends who agree with her are stupid, too.

e. she has no respect for you or your problems

f. she never listens to you

g. she doesn't appreciate what you do for her

h. you wish you'd never met her

#n summary, in the full "ood of your anger you probably thin! she's a stupid self

centered bitch that unfortunately you had the poor %udgement to get involved

with.

You can tell her all that, and you can tell her the other things you thin! about

her, too, but your views don't amount to much. &he presence of certain !ey

words li!e never and always mar!s your complaint as ecessive. 5verybody

who's mad feels this way. -o all they really mean is that you're mad.

Furthermore, epressing these views will in"ame your opponent, and therefore

obscure the ght. &he ght is not about the fact that she always pulls this shit.

&he ght is about something else.

)eal with something else. )eal with the essence. #f nothing else, the whole issue

of characteri9ation should have shown you the importance of the net rule2

)on't get mad.

You probably thin! the whole reason for a ght is that you are mad. &hin! again.)o you imagine &yson is mad when he is in the ring, bludgeoning somebody( 4f


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course not. e may be energi9ed. e may be pumped full of adrenalin. e may

be focused. But he's not mad. /hen you get mad, you lose selfcontrol. Just

because you are having a ght is no reason to get mad.

4f course there is a wonderful, hot surge of emotions when you nally have had

enough of her nonsense, and you snarl, 4h yeah( And you pull out the bigguns.

But thin! about it. )oes getting mad put you in a better position as the ght

continues( 6o.

)on't get mad, or you may lose the ght.

Actually, everybody !nows this rule, deep down. You'll notice that when an issue

is really important to somebody, they control themselves. &hey only let "y when

it doesn't matter that much.

#n that sense, overt, outofcontrol anger is a sign of disrespect. #t means you

don't ta!e the person, or the ght, seriously.

&hin! about it.

&he other point to remember is that she will probably try to ma!e you mad,

because your position is immediately wea!ened once you are mad. 5specially if

she's mad and you're not, she has a problem and she !nows it. -he needs to get

you pissed o1.

hances are she may characteri9e you $ tell you what you always do and never

do. ow you never listen to her, how you are always such an asshole. hances

are, it will ma!e you mad.

Find a way not to get mad.

-ome men detach, and study the specic statements she is ma!ing. -ome men

*uietly thin! of something else and wait for her attac! to end. -ome men

imagine that they are seeing the dispute on television. -ome men study the

pores of her face or the wallpaper behind her.

/hatever your techni*ue, %ust don't get mad.

Admit minor accusations.

4nce the arrows start "ying, you will be inclined to deny everything that is said

about you, including all sorts of minor "aws that you actually possess. You'll deny

that you li!e sweets, or that you stay up late, or that you are fussy about your

wardrobe. For eample, she says2

You're so particular about your clothes.

# am not.

Yes you are, you thin! you're @od's gift to the fashion business.


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# don't.

&his can continue forever. /hereas you could have handled it another way. -he

says, You're so particular about your clothes. And you say2

Yes, # am. -o what( # li!e to feel welldressed. # want to ma!e a goodimpression. # en%oy clothes. #t's true.

&hese admissions have a benecial e1ect on the progress of the ght. Because

you haven't allowed yourself to get sidetrac!ed. D&he ght is not about your

clothes, presumably.E

6otice, too, that this can be a good maneuver when she is characteri9ing you, as

in2

You're really stupid, you have no selfcontrol, and you don't appreciate what #

do for you.

&hat's right, # don't. 8ight now # don't appreciate anything about you, because

we are in the middle of a ght. 6ow can we get on with it(

)on't threaten.

#n the contet of a ght, threats are evasions of the true issue. &hey don't

progress the ght. #f you trac! the "ow of a domestic *uarrel, threats usually

signal timeouts in the action. 4ne person ma!es a threat, and then the other

counters or complains about the threat Dow dare you or something similarE,

and the two people argue about the threat for a while, before they nally return

to the real sub%ect at hand.

/hy bother( #t's a waste of time.

)on't ma!e threats. )on't respond to her threats.

And similarly,

)on't leave the ght.

&his includes a variety of maneuvers, such as threatening to end the

relationship. 4h yeah, then #'m leaving nowG 4r 4h yeah( &hen it's overG 4r%ust stomping out of the room, or leaving the apartment and going to a hotel

overnight.

&hese cliched tactics distract from the real point of the ght. &hey state the

obvious2 anybody can obviously leave, at any time. And they re the nal shot,

leaving you with nowhere to go $ but out.

-o don't unilaterally abandon the ght by leaving the room, or answering the

phone, or turning on the &C. &hey're all cheap shots. 6o matter how much you try

to disguise them in a cloud of your disgust with her, the fact is they re"ect badly

on you.


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owever, there are some related maneuvers that you should do. #f you feel you

want to leave, tell her2 /hen we argue li!e this, # feel li!e # want to leave this

relationship. 4r 8ight now # feel really hopeless, li!e there's no future for us.

-tated honestly, these comments can be truly %olting. And it's appropriate2 your

mate does need to !now how you feel, she needs to hear when things really

push your buttons and ma!e you want to leave. -he should hear that, withoutthe threat that you will carry them out.

-imilarly, it can be intelligent to leave the room if you are losing your temper, if

you need to stomp around and physicali9e a little, burn the adrenalin. But ma!e

it clear that you are coming bac!. And if possible, say so. #'ll be bac! in a few

minutes.

4therwise, don't leave the ght.

3ay attention to subtet.

&he ghting woman is giving you a tremendous amount of information. 6ot %ust

what she is saying. 6ot %ust body language. &hat's the obvious stu1. But there

are many other things to pay attention to. &he specic language she's using. &he

tone of voice. &he epression on her face. And especially, the "ow of her

argument. ow she goes from A to B to ). )on't assume it is illogical. #nstead,

assume it has a logic, however subterranean. &ry and gure it out, and try to

anticipate where it is going. -ee if you can get there rst. )oes it all match up(

And in particular, remember the important truth2 she may not !now what she's

angry about. 3eople often don't !now, and they use the ght to eplore. &o nd

out.

-o pay attention.

But identify subtet at your peril. &his is %ust about your mother is

characteri9ation. Better to say, &his doesn't seem important enough to argue

over.

8estate opposing positions.

#t is very common that you feel she doesn't hear what you are saying, yet she

insists she does. You start repeating, and she gets annoyed. # heard you, for

hrissa!es, and you're wrong.

And you say, You didn't hear me.

Yes, # did.

#'m telling you, Jennifer, you're not hearing me.

&his !ind of argument can go on forever.

But it is easily resolved.

-ay, #f you heard what #'m saying, then say it bac! to me. As! her to state your

position in her own words. #nsist that she not belittle your position, with


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vocabulary, tone of voice, body posture or gestures. #nsist she state your position

neutrally, if not sympathetically.

orrect her errors, and demand another restatement from her.

You will nd this is an etremely useful techni*ue. You'll be ama9ed at how youcan unclinch a ght.

Also, you can use the techni*ue in reverse, at any time. Colunteer to state her

position. /ait a minute, let me see if # have this right. You're saying that #

promised you # would call, and that when # didn't call # was setting you up to

ma!e you feel bad. &hat # intended to ma!e you feel bad. #s that what you feel(

-tate her position as honestly as you can. 6o accusation, no spin. hances are,

if you play bac! her position without spin, she will promptly decide that it isn't

very reasonable and will ma!e some ad%ustments.

And even if she doesn't, the fact that you have stated her position correctly will

have a mollifying e1ect on her.

&rust me. #t will.

&he reason is simple. #n a ght, both people feel a comple mi of emotins, one

of which is the feeling that they are misunderstood. #f you can sympathetically

state her position, she will recogni9e that at least, she is not misunderstood. And

that will lighten the atmosphere. 5ven if it doesn't bring the two of you closer to

agreement. And stating her position honestly and fairly will have a mollifying

e1ect on you, too.

avoiding the fight

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