avenue q libretto

Avenue Q

The Musical

Music and Lyrics by

Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx

Book by

Jeff Whitty

Based on an original concept by

Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx

Original Broadway Cast

(in order of appearance)

Princeton/Rod............................................................John Tartaglia

Brian...........................................................................Jordan Gelber

Kate Monster, Lucy & others..........................Stephanie D'Abruzzo

Nicky, Trekkie Monster, Bear and others........................Rick Lyon

Christmas Eve................................................................Ann Harada

Gary Coleman..............................................Natalie Venetia Belcon

Mrs. T., Bear and others........................................Jennifer Barnhart

Ensemble.......................................................Barret Foa, Peter LinzCast of Characters

(In order of appearance)

PRINCETON A fresh college graduate with a B.A. in English

BRIAN An unemployed aspiring comedian

KATE MONSTER A kindergarten teaching aid

ROD A Republican investment banker and a closeted homosexual

NICKY Rod's freeloading roommate

CHRISTMAS EVE Brian's Japanese fiancee, an out-of-work therapist

GARY COLEMAN A former child star, now the superintendent of Avenue Q

TREKKIE MONSTER An internet porn addict

MRS. THISTLETWAT Kate's employer, a crabby old bitch

THE BEARS Two cute bears with Princeton's best interests at heart

LUCY T. SLUT A sultry lounge performer who gets around

Setting

AVENUE Q is a fictional street in an outer borough of New York City. The time is the present.

Suggested Doubling

AVENUE Q was originally written for a cast of nine, including two ensemble members. Here are the originally doubled roles.

PRINCETON, ROD

KATE MONSTER, LUCY T. SLUT, OTHERS

NICKY, TREKKIE MONSTER, BEAR #1, OTHERS

MRS. THISTLETWAT, BEAR #2, OTHERS

ACT 1, SCENE 1 Avenue Q

COMPANYDO DOOT DOO

BA DA BAH

DO DOOT DO

BA DA BAH

WA!

THE SUN IS SHINING, IT'S A LOVELY DAY,

A PERFECT MORNING FOR A KID TO PLAY,

BUT YOU'VE GOT LOTS OF BILLS TO PAY.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

YOU WORK REAL HARD AND THE PAY'S REAL LOW,

AND EV'RY HOUR GOES, OH, SO SLOW,

AND AT THE END OF THE DAY THERE'S NO WHERE TO GO,

BUT HOME TO AVENUE Q!

YOU LIVE ON AVENUE Q!

YOUR FRIENDS TO TOO!

YOU ARE TWENTY-TWO,

AND YOU LIVE ON AVENUE Q.

YOU LIVE ON AVENUE Q.

YOU LIVE ON AVENUE Q!

[PRINCETON enters, dressed in graduation gown and cap]

PRINCETON

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A B.A. IN ENGLISH?

WHAT IS MY LIFE GOING TO BE?

FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE,

AND PLENTY OF KNOWLEDGE

HAVE EARNED ME THIS USELESS DEGREE.

I CAN'T PAY THE BILLS YET,

'CAUSE I HAVE NO SKILLS YET.

THE WORLD IS A BIG SCARY PLACE.

BUT SOMEHOW I CAN'T SHAKE

THE FEELING I MIGHT MAKE

A DIFF'RENCE TO THE HUMAN RACE!

[PRINCETON exits. KATE MONSTER and BRIAN enter.]

KATE MONSTERMorning, Brian.

BRIANHi, Kate

KATEHow's life?

BRIAN

Disappointing.

KATEWhat's the matter?

BRIANThe catering company laid me off.

KATEOh, I'm sorry!

BRIANMe too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I always thought -

KATEWhat?

BRIANNo, it sounds stupid.

KATECome on!

BRIANWHEN I WAS LITTLE I THOUGHT I WOULD BE...

KATEWhat?

BRIANA BIG COMEDIAN ON LATE NIGHT T.V. [KATE laughs]

BUT NOW I'M THIRTY-TWO, AND AS YOU CAN SEE,

I'M NOT.

KATENope!

BRIANOH WELL,IT SUCKS TO BE ME.

KATENooo.

BRIANIT SUCKS TO BE ME.

KATENo!

BRIAN

IT SUCKS TO BE BROKE

AND UNEMPLOYED

AND TURNING THIRTY-THREE.

IT SUCKS TO BE ME.

KATEOh, you think your life sucks?

BRIANI think so.

KATEYour problems aren't so bad.

I'M KINDA PRETTY, AND PRETTY DAMN SMART

BRIANYou are.

KATEThanks!

I LIKE ROMANTIC THINGS LIKE MUSIC AND ART.AND AS YOU KNOW I HAVE A GIGANTIC HEART,SO WHY DON'T I HAVE A BOYFRIEND?Fuck!IT SUCKS TO BE ME!

BRIANMe too!

KATEIT SUCKS TO BE ME!

BRIANIT SUCKS TO BE ME!IT SUCKS TO BE BRIAN...

KATEAND KATE!

BRIANTO NOT HAVE A JOB!

KATETO NOT HAVE A DATE!

BOTHIT SUCKS TO BE ME.

[ROD and NICKY enter from the center apartment]

BRIANHey, Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us? Do you have a second?

RODAh, certainly.

KATEWhose life sucks more? Brian's or mine?

NICKY AND RODOurs!

RODWE LIVE TOGETHER.

NICKYWE'RE AS CLOSE AS PEOPLE CAN GET.

RODWE'VE BEEN THE BEST OF BUDDIES

NICKYEVER SINCE THE DAY WE MET.

RODSO HE KNOWS LOTS OF WAYS TO MAKE ME REALLY UPSET.OH, EV'RY DAY IS AN AGGRAVATION.

NICKYCOME ON, THAT'S AN EXAGGERATION!

RODYOU LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES OUT, YOU PUT YOUR FEET ON MY CHAIR.

NICKYOh yeah?YOU DO SUCH ANAL THINGS, LIKE IRONING YOUR UNDERWEAR.

RODYOU MAKE THAT VERY SMALL APARTMENT WE SHARE A HELL.

NICKYSO DO YOU,THAT'S WHY I'M IN HELL TOO!

RODIT SUCKS TO BE ME!

NICKYNo!

IT SUCKS TO BE ME!

KATEIT SUCKS TO BE ME!

BRIANIT SUCKS TO BE ME!

ALLIS THERE ANYBODY HERE IT DOESN'T SUCK TO BE?IT SUCKS TO BE ME!

[Everybody dances and sings DA DA DA DA DA. CHRISTMAS EVE yells, and then everybody continues to dance and sing. CHRISTMAS EVE enters from the right-most apartment]

CHRISTMAS EVEWhy you all so happy?

NICKYBecause our lives suck!

CHRISTMAS EVEYour lives suck? I hearing you correctly? Ha!

I COMING TO THIS COUNTRY FOR OPPORTUNITIES.TRIED TO WORK IN KOREAN DELI, BUT I AM JAPANESE.BUT WITH HARD WORK I EARN TWO MASTER'S DEGREESIN SOCIAL WORK!AND NOW I A THERAPIST!BUT I HAVE NO CLIENTS!AND I HAVE AN UNEMPLOYED FIANCEE!AND WE HAVE LOTS OF BILLS TO PAY.

IT SUCK TO BE ME!IT SUCK TO BE ME!I SAY ITSUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKA-

Suck!IT SUCK TO BE ME.

PRINCETONExcuse me?

BRIANHey there.

PRINCETONSorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live.

CHRISTMAS EVEWhy you looking all the way out here?

PRINCETONWell I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper! Oh, look! a "For Rent" sign!

BRIANYou need to talk to the superintendent. Let me get him.

PRINCETONGreat, thanks!

BRIANYo, Gary!

GARY COLEMANI'm comin'! I'm comin'!

[GARY COLEMAN enters and strikes a pose.]

PRINCETONOh my God! It's Gary Coleman!

GARYYes I am.

I'M GARY COLEMAN FROM TV'S DIFF'RENT STROKESI MADE A LOTTA MONEY THAT GOT STOLEN BY MY FOLKS!NOW I'M BROKE AND I'M THE BUTT OF EVERYONE'S JOKES,BUT I'M HEREThe superintendent!ON AVENUE Q!

ALLIT SUCKS TO BE YOU!

KATEYou win!

ALLIT SUCKS TO BE YOU!

BRIANI feel better now!

GARYTRY HAVING PEOPLE STOPPING YOU TO ASK YOU:"Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?" It gets old!

ALLIT SUCKS TO BE YOU!ON AVENUE Q! (SUCKS TO BE ME!)ON AVENUE Q! (SUCKS TO BE YOU!)ON AVENUE Q! (SUCKS TO BE US,)BUT NOT WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER!WE'RE TOGETHERHERE ON AVENUE Q!WE LIVE ON AVENUE Q!OUR FRIENDS DO TOO!'TIL OUR DREAMS COME TRUE,WE LIVE ON AVENUE Q.

PRINCETONThis is real life!

ALLWE LIVE ON AVENUE Q!

NICKYYou're gonna love it.

ALLWE LIVE ON AVENUE Q!

GARYHere's your keys!

ALLWelcome to Avenue Q!

[ROD and NICKY exit.]

BRIAN

So, what's your name?

PRINCETON

Oh, I'm Princeton.

BRIAN

Hey, buddy! I'm Brian, this is my fianc.

C.E.

My name Christmas Eve! You so cute, very handsome. You single?

PRINCETON

Yeah.

C.E.

Because she's single!

KATE

Oh, Christmas Eve!

BRIAN

That's Kate! She lives in our building!

PRINCETON

Hi!

KATE

Hi!

[A window opens, revealing TREKKIE MONSTER. He throws a bag of garbage into the street with a grunt]

GARY

Trekkie!

BRIAN

Morning, Trekkie!

TREKKIE

Me no time to talk. Me busy. [Shuts window]

BRIAN

And that's Trekkie Monster.

C.E.

He a pervert. You no spending time with him.

GARY

Come on inside, kid. I'll show you the place.

PRINCETON

Oh, great!

GARY

You know, not many distinguished people have expressed interest in this fine place?

PRINCETON

No kidding!

GARY

No lie!

[GARY and PRINCETON enter the left-most apartment]

C.E.

So what you think, Kate? He cute, right?

KATE

Yeah.

C.E.

You go get him. A man respond to an aggressive woman.

[to Brian] You! Go get job!

BRIAN

I'll get right on it!

[BRIAN runs off]

C.E.

See?!ACT 1, SCENE 2 Rod and Nicky's Apartment

[ROD enters with an open book in his hands]

RODAah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway Musicals of the 1940s." No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?

[NICKY enters.]

NICKYOh, hi Rod!

RODHi Nicky.

NICKYHey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me

RODThat's very interesting.

NICKYHe was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!

RODAhem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?

NICKYYou don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod...

RODI'm NOT getting defensive!What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read.

NICKYI didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.

RODI don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!!

NICKYYeah, but...

RODOVER!!!

NICKYWell, okay, but just so you know...IF YOU WERE GAYTHAT'D BE OKAY.I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.BECAUSE YOU SEE,IF IT WERE ME,I WOULD FEEL FREE TO SAY

THAT I WAS GAY(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)

RODNicky, please! I am trying to read....[pause] What?!

NICKYIF YOU WERE QUEER

RODAh, Nicky!

NICKYI'D STILL BE HERE,

RODNicky, I'm trying to read this book.

NICKYYEAR AFTER YEAR

RODNicky!

NICKYBECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR TO ME,

RODArgh!

NICKYAND I KNOW THAT YOU

RODWhat?

NICKYWOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,

RODI would?

NICKYIF I TOLD YOU TODAY,"HEY! GUESS WHAT, I'M GAY!"(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)I'M HAPPY JUST BEING WITH YOU.

RODHigh Button Shoes, Pal Joey...

NICKYSO WHAT SHOULD IT MATTER TO ME

WHAT YOU DO IN BED WITH GUYS?

RODNicky, that is GROSS!

NICKYNo it's not!IF YOU WERE GAYI'D SHOUT HOORAY!

RODI am not listening!

NICKYAND HERE I'D STAY,

RODLa la la la la!

NICKYBUT I WOULDN'T GET IN YOUR WAY.

RODAaaah!

NICKYYOU CAN COUNT ON METO ALWAYS BEBESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,YOU WERE JUST BORN THAT WAY,AND, AS THEY SAY,IT'S IN YOUR DNA,YOU'RE GAY!

RODBUT I'M NOT GAY!

NICKYIf you were gay.

RODArgh!ACT 1, SCENE 3 Avenue Q, outside Princeton's apartment

[GARY sets down some moving boxes on the stoop by Princeton's apartment as PRINCETON enters from the apartment]

PRINCETON

Hey Gary, thanks for helping me move in!

GARY

No sweat, it's nothing. Hey, you got your first day of mail.

PRINCETON

Aw, thanks!

GARY

So what's in all these boxes? Anything good?

PRINCETON

My parents sent my stuff from home.

GARY

How nice! And you also got your rent bill, your utility bill, your student loan bill, your credit card bill, your phone bill, your cell phone bill...

PRINCETON

Oh my god.

GARY

You got any money?

PRINCETON

Well I start work tomorrow...

[a phone rings. GARY picks it up]

GARY

Gaaary Coleman!

[to PRINCETON] It's for you.

PRINCETON

Oh, thank you!

[GARY hands PRINCETON the phone] Hello? Oh, hi!

[to GARY] It's my job. [to phone] Oh, I can't wait to meet all of you tomorrow! Oh, I'm sorry, I can barely hear you. What's that sound in the background? A paper shredder?! But the company can't be folding! Well how am I supposed to live? ... Hello?

GARY

Aw, kid. Don't look so long in the face! You know what they say: if you rearrange the letters of unemployed it spells opportunity!

PRINCETON

What?

GARY

Here's a bit of advice. Never underestimate the power of long-range planning. If life's gets you down, don't sit on your ass and let it pass you by. Take it from someone who learned it the hard way: Gary Coleman.

[GARY exits into apartment].

PRINCETON

Maybe this IS an opportunity. Maybe I'm not meant to work in some dumb office for the rest of my life. Maybe... maybe I have a higher purpose!

VOICE (on video)

What's a purpose? A purpose is direction to your life. It could be a job, a family; it could be pursuit of knowledge, or wealth. Everybody's purpose is different. The best thing about purpose is that it gives your life meaning.

PRINCETON

I want a purpose!

PRINCETON

PURPOSE,IT'S THAT LITTLE FLAMETHAT LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER YOUR ASS.

PURPOSE,IT KEEPS YOU GOING STRONGLIKE A CAR WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS.

EVERYONE ELSE HAS A PURPOSESO WHAT'S MINE?Oh, look! Here's a penny!It's from the year I was born!

IT'S A SIGN!BA-BA-BA-BADOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO

I DON'T KNOW HOW I KNOW,BUT I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE.I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GONNA LOOK,BUT I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE.

GOTTA FIND OUT, DON'T WANNA WAIT!GOT TO MAKE SURE THAT MY LIFE WILL BE GREAT!GOTTA FIND MY PURPOSE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

MOVING BOXES AND OTHERSHE'S GONNA FIND HIS PURPOSE

PRINCETON WOAH, I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE

MOVING BOXES AND OTHERSHE'S GONNA FIND HIS PURPOSE

PRINCETON (Simultaneous)YEAH-AH-AH,

I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSECOULD BE FAR, COULD BE NEARCOULD TAKE A WEEK, A MONTH, A YEAR

AT A JOB, OR SMOKING GRASSMAYBE AT A POTTERY CLASS!COULD IT BE?YES IT COULD!

SOMETHING'S COMING

SOMETHING GOOD

I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE, YEAH!

WHOA, OOH WHOA,

I'M GONNA FIND IT!

WHAT WILL IT BE?WHERE WILL IT BE?MY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS A MYSTERY

GOTTA FIND MY PURPOSE

GOTTA FIND ME!

WHOA, OOH WHOA

I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE

PURPOSE! PURPOSE! PURPOSE!

YEAH, YEAH!

I GOTTA FIND ME!

MOVING BOXES AND OTHERS (Simultaneous)

MAYBE MORE...AT A JOB, OR SMOKING GRASSPOTTERY CLASS

WOULD BE COOL...YES IT COULD!

SOMETHING GOOD

WOAH, OH, OH

YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE

GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE!

GOTTA FIND, GOTTA FIND, GOTTA FIND IT!

YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE. WHOA

GOTTA FIND, GOTTA FIND IT

YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE! WHOA

GOTTA FIND, GOTTA FIND

C.E.

[Sticks head out of window]

My purpose in life is to help people find themselves.

BRIAN


My purpose in life is to make people laugh... and make money doing it!

GARY


My greatest fear is that I've already achieved my damn purpose in life, and from then on I've been on a slow, tiresome walk to the grave.

[KATE enters.]

PRINCETON

Hey, Kate!

KATE

Princeton! Hi!

PRINCETON

Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?

KATE

Sure.

PRINCETON

What's your purpose in life?

KATE

Oh. Well, I'm a Kindergarten teaching assistant.

PRINCETON

Right. But what's your purpose, your dream, your mission?

KATE

Nobody ever wants to know that.

PRINCETON

I do.

KATE

Well, since you asked... no, I can't! I barely know you.

PRINCETON

Aw, come on!

KATE

Okay. When I was a little monster, I always wished I had a special place I could go. A special school only for monsters. Sure it's important to learn about the great figures of Western civilization, but so much of the canon leaves out monster art and history! And we as a nation are poorer for it. It was always my dream to start that special school for monsters. So that, in short, is my purpose. Uh, but I'm not an egghead. I like to have fun and party.

PRINCETON

Oh. So, uh, you're level on the monster stuff?

KATE

Uh-huh.

PRINCETON

Ah. Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?

KATEUh huh.

PrincetonWell, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster

KATERight.

PRINCETONYou're both monsters.

KATEYeah.

PRINCETONAre you two related?

KATEWhat?! Princeton, I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!

PRINCETONI'm sorry! I was just asking!

KATEWell it's a touchy subject. No, not all Monsters are related. What are you trying say, huh? That we all look the same to you? Huh, huh, huh?

PRINCETONNo, no, no, not at all! I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist.

KATEI should say so. You should be much more careful when you're talking about the

sensitive subject of race.

PRINCETONWell look who's talking!

KATEWhat do you mean?

PRINCETONWhat about that special Monster School you told me about?

KATEWhat about it?

PRINCETONCould someone like me go there?

KATENo, we don't want people like you. [gasps]

PRINCETONYou see?!YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

KATEWELL, YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT TOO.

PRINCETONI GUESS WE'RE BOTH A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

KATEADMITTING IT IS NOT AN EASY THING TO DO...

PRINCETONBUT I GUESS IT'S TRUE.

KATEBETWEEN ME AND YOU, I THINK

BOTHEVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST SOMETIMES.DOESN'T MEAN WE GO AROUND COMMITTING HATE CRIMES.LOOK AROUND AND YOU WILL FINDNO ONE'S REALLY COLOR BLIND.MAYBE IT'S A FACT WE ALL SHOULD FACEEVERYONE MAKES JUDGMENTS BASED ON RACE.

PRINCETONNow not big judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from.

KATENo!

PRINCETONNo, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys should learn to speak goddamn English!

KATERight!

BOTHEVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST TODAY.SO, EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST, OKAY!ETHINIC JOKES MIGHT BE UNCOUTH,BUT YOU LAUGH BECAUSE THEY'RE BASED ON TRUTH.DON'T TAKE THEM AS PERSONAL ATTACKS.EVERYONE ENJOYS THEM - SO RELAX!

PRINCETONAll right, stop me if you've heard this one.

KATEOkay!

PRINCETONThis plane is going down and there's only one parachute, and there's a rabbi, a priest

KATE

And a BLACK guy!

GARY

[Entering] Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Kate?

KATEUh...

GARYYou were telling a black joke!

PRINCETONWell, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes...

GARYI don't.

PRINCETONWell, of course you don't - you're black! But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?

GARYWell, sure I do. Haha. Those stupid Polacks!

PRINCETONNow, don't you think that's a little racist?

GARYWell, damn, I guess you're right.

KATEYOU'RE A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

GARYWELL, YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT TOO.

PRINCETONWE'RE ALL A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

GARYI THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU.

PRINCETON/KATEWE'RE GLAD YOU DO.

GARYIT'S SAD BUT TRUE!EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST -All right!

KATEAll right!

PRINCETONAll right!

GARYAll right!BIGOTRY HAS NEVER BEEN EXCLUSIVELY WHITE

ALLIF WE ALL COULD JUST ADMITTHAT WE ARE RACIST A LITTLE BIT,EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S WRONG,MAYBE IT WOULD HELP US GET ALONG.

PRINCETONChrist do I feel good!

GARYNow there was a fine upstanding black man.

PRINCETONWho?

GARYJesus Christ.

KATEBut, Gary, Jesus was white.

GARYNo, Jesus was black.

KATENo, Jesus was white!

GARY

I'm pretty sure that Jesus was black!

PRINCETONGuys, guys... Jesus was Jewish! [Everybody laughs]

[BRIAN enters]

BRIAN

Hey, what are you guys laughing about?

GARYRacism!

BRIANCool.

[C.E. enters]

C.E.

BLIAN! You come backee here! You take out lecycuraburs!

PRINCETONWhat's that mean?

BRIANUgh. recyclables. [Everybody laughs] Hey, don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak?

KATEOh, come off it, Brian!

EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

BRIANI'm not!

PRINCETONOh no?

BRIANNope!HOW MANY ORIENTAL WIVES HAVE YOU GOT?

C.E.What? Blian!

PRINCETONBRIAN, BUDDY, WHERE YOU BEEN?THE TERM IS ASIAN-AMERICAN!

C.E.I KNOW YOU ARE NO INTENDING TO BEBUT CORRING ME OLIENTER OFFENSIVE TO ME!

BRIANI'm sorry, honey, I love you.

C.E.And I love you.

BRIANBut you're racist, too.

C.E.Yes, I know.THE JEWS HAVE ALL THE MONEYAND THE WHITES HAVE ALL THE POWER.AND I'M ALWAYS IN TAXI-CABWITH DLIVER WHO NO SHOWER!

PRINCETONMe too!

KATEMe too!

GARYI can't even GET a taxi!

ALLEVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST, IT'S TRUE.BUT EVERYONE IS JUST ABOUT AS RACIST AS YOU!IF WE ALL COULD JUST ADMITTHAT WE ARE RACIST A LITTLE BIT,AND EVERYONE STOPPED BEING SO PCMAYBE WE COULD LIVE IN HARMONY!

C.E.Ev'lyone's a ritter bit lacist!

[All exit except PRINCETON]

PRINCETON

Today I feel like I'm getting closer to my purpose!

CHORUS OF KIDS (ON VIDEO)

School crossing guard!

PRINCETON

No, that's not me.

KIDS

Beauty salon technician!

PRINCETON

Not quite it.

KIDS

Birthday party clown!

PRINCETON

Closer but still no. Wait a minute! It's right here in the corner of my mind. My purpose. It's... it's...

[THE BEARS enter]

THE BEARS

Hey Princeton!

BEAR #2

It's us!

PRINCETON

Who are you?

THE BEARS

The Bad Idea Bears!

BEAR #2We're your friends!

BEAR #1

Where you going?

PRINCETONOh, well, I'm almost broke, so I'm going to go look for a job 'till I find my purpose.

BEAR #1

Oh.

BEAR #2

Did you check the messages on your phone?

PRINCETONWell, yeah.

BEAR #2Then you've got plenty of money!

BEAR #1

You should celebrate!

BEAR #2

You need to do something for YOU. Buy some beer!

BEAR #1

Yeah! Buy some beer.

PRINCETON

Well... well, gee. I shouldn't be spending my parents' money on beer.

BEAR #1

Oh. Okay

BEAR #2

That makes me sad, thinking about you not having any fun.

BEAR #1

I'm gonna cry!

BEAR #2

Gosh, I'm sad! Some days I wish I was dead.

[THE BEARS cry noisily]

PRINCETON

Hey, you know, maybe I could afford a six-pack.

THE BEARS

YAY!!

BEAR #2

Why not a case?

BEAR #1

Yeah, a case of beer!

PRINCETON

No, I can't get a case!

BEAR #2

But you're on a budget.

BEAR #1

You're wasting money in the long run if you don't buy in bulk.

PRINCETONWoah, you're right! Thanks guys, I'll get a case.

THE BEARS

YAY!! See you around, Princeton!

[The THE BEARS start to leave, giggling]

PRINCETONSee you around, guys! [THE BEARS exit] Gosh, they're awfully cute. It's good to know I'm making friends who have my best interests at heart!ACT 1, SCENE 3 Avenue Q

[A phone rings. Lights come up to reveal KATE MONSTER]

KATE

Hello?

MRS. THISTLETWATHello, Katherine. This is your employer calling.

KATEHi Mrs. Thistletwat!

THISTLETWATAs you may know, I have an appointment for heart replacement surgery next week and I need you to teach my class in the morning. I will probably need until our lunch break to recover.

KATEI get to teach all by myself?

THISTLETWAT

I trust you, Katherine. And you may choose the subject.

KATEWow! Thanks, Lavinia!

THISTLETWAT

Katherine, when you call me by my first name the children don't respect it.

KATESorry Mrs. Thistletwat.

THISTLETWAT

Thank you.

KATEFinally! I get to teach an entire lesson by myself. And I'm going to teach something relevant, something modern... the Internet!

THE INTERNET IS REALLY REALLY GREAT.

TREKKIE

[TREKKIE sticks his head out of a window] FOR PORN!

KATE

I GOT A FAST CONNECTION, SO I DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.

TREKKIE

FOR PORN!

KATETHERE'S ALWAYS SOME NEW SITE.

TREKKIE

FOR PORN!

KATE

I BROWSE ALL DAY AND NIGHT.

TREKKIE

FOR PORN!

KATE

IT'S LIKE I'M SURFING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

TREKKIE

FOR PORN!

KATE

Trekkie!

TREKKIE

THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN.

KATE

Trekkie!

TREKKIE

THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN

KATE

What are you doing?!

TREKKIE

WHY YOU THINK THE NET WAS BORN?

PORN! PORN! PORN!

KATETrekkie Monster, get down here!

TREKKIEHello Kate Monsterrrr!

KATEYou are ruining my song.

TREKKIE

Oh, me sorry. Me no mean to.

KATEWell if you wouldn't mind please being quiet for a minute so I could finish?

TREKKIE

Okey-dokey!

KATEGood!

I'M GLAD WE HAVE THIS NEW TECHNOLOGY.

TREKKIE

FOR PORN.

KATE

WHICH GIVES US UNTOLD OPPORTUNITY.

TREKKIE

FOR PORN.

Oh, sorry!

KATE

RIGHT FROM YOUR OWN DESKTOP

TREKKIE

FOR...

KATE

YOU CAN RESEARCH, BROWSE, AND SHOP.

UNTIL YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH AND YOU'RE READY TO STOP!

TREKKIE

FOR PORN!

KATE

Trekkie!

TREKKIE


KATE

Noooo.

TREKKIE

THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN

KATE

Trekkie!

TREKKIE

ME UP ALL NIGHT HONKING ME HORN TO

PORN, PORN, PORN!

KATE

That's gross! You are a pervert!

TREKKIEAhh, sticks and stones, Kate Monster.

KATE

No, really. You're a pervert. Normal people don't sit home all day and look at porn in the Internet.

TREKKIEOhhhhh...

KATE

What?

TREKKIEYou have noooo idea.

[calling offstage] Ready, normal people?

[BRIAN, GARY, ROD, and PRINCETON stick their heads out of windows]

BRIAN

Ready!

GARY

Ready!

RODReady!

TREKKIE

Let me hear it!

GUYS


PRINCETON

Sorry, Kate.

GUYS


PRINCETON

I masturbate!

TREKKIE

ALL THESE GUYS UNZIP THEIR FLIES FOR

GUYS

PORN! PORN! PORN!

KATEThe Internet is NOT for porn!

GUYS

PORN! PORN!

KATE

Hold on a second! Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod, check your portfolio and trade stocks online.

RODThat's correct.

KATEAnd Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!

BRIANSure.

KATEAnd Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay!

GARYYes I do.

KATEAnd Princeton, you sent me that sweet online birthday card.

PRINCETONTrue.

TREKKIEBut Kate... what you think he do AFTER?

[PRINCETON nods]

KATEEwwwwww!!

GUYS


KATE

Gross!

GUYS


KATE

I hate porn.

TREKKIE

GRAB YOUR DICK AND DOUBLE CLICK FOR

GUYS

PORN! PORN! PORN!

KATE

I hate men!

GUYS

POOORN! POOORN! POOORN!

KATEI'm leaving!

GUYS

POOORN! POOORN! POOORN!

KATE

I hate the Internet.

TREKKIE

[Chanting] The internet is for

TREKKIE, ROD, and PRINCETON

Internet is for

GUYS

Internet is for PORN!ACT 1, SCENE 4 Avenue Q, outside Brian & Christmas Eve's apartment

C.E.

Hey, Rod! How it hanging?

RODHello, Christmas Eve! I got your wedding invitation.

C.E.

Are you coming?

ROD

Well, here's my RSVP.

BRIAN[Sticks his head out of a window]

Hey, honey, what's all this about us getting married?

C.E.Think of it like a surprise party.

BRIAN

Cool! [Closes window.]

ROD

Aw, I think it's wonderful you have someone so special in your life.

C.E.

Are you okay, Rod?

ROD

Christmas Eve, you're a therapist, right?

C.E.

I have two master's degrees.

RODSo you help people who have all kinds of problems?

C.E.

Nobody want to come to me for helping. I meet with people, we talkee for an hour, then they go away and never come back. I wonder why? Am I fixing them in one appointment? Maybe I too efficient. Maybe I should spread my helping out. Why Rod? Do you need some helping?

ROD

Well, I have this friend.

C.E.Nicky?

ROD

No, no, another friend. And I think he has a very big problem. I, uh, think my friend is... he is... gay.

C.E.What wrong with that? You know, Rod, gay people make major contribution to art and philosophy and literature for many hundreds of years now.

ROD

But my friend isn't an artist. He's a Republican. And an investment banker.

C.E.Oh. Well tell him to stay in closet then. He good for nothing.

ROD

Okay, fine. Thanks for the advice.

C.E.[Laughing] Yeah, I wouldn't want a friend like that!

ROD

[Laughing as well] Noooo. Thanks again! Bye!

C.E.Bye now!

[CHRISTMAS EVE exits.]

ROD

Shit!

ACT 1, SCENE 5 Kate's apartment

KATEPrinceton.

HE LIKES ME.

I THINK HE LIKES ME.

BUT DOES HE LIKE ME - LIKE ME,

LIKE I LIKE HIM?

WILL WE BE FRIENDS, OR SOMETHING MORE?

I THINK HE'S INT'RESTED, BUT I'M NOT SURE.

[Doorbell]

Come in!

[PRINCETON enters.]

PRINCETONHiya, Kate!

KATEPrinceton! Hi!

PRINCETON

Hi! Listen, I was going through my CDs yesterday, and I kept coming across songs I thought you'd like, so I made you this tape. [hands KATE a tape]

KATEAw, that's so sweet! Can I get you a drink, or a snack, or...?

PRINCETON

Actually, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

KATEOh, sure. Go right ahead. [PRINCETON exits.]

PRINCETONThanks.

A MIX TAPE.

HE MADE A MIX TAPE.

HE WAS THINKING OF ME, WHICH SHOWS HE CARES

SOMETIME WHEN SOMEONE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU

THEY'LL MAKE YOU A MIX TAPETO GIVE YOU A CLUE

YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND,

THE THEME FROM FRIENDS,

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR.

Shit. Oh, but look!

A WHOLE NEW WORLD,

KISS THE GIRL,

MA CHERIE AMOUR!

Awww, Princeton... he does like me!

I AM THE WALRUS,

FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS,

YELLOW SUMBARINE?

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

PRINCETON

[Entering] Kate, you might not wanna go in there for awhile.

KATEOkay. Princeton, thank you for this tape. I was just looking at side A. Great songs!

PRINCETON

Did you get to side B yet?

KATE

Not yet.

PRINCETONOh, it's great. Check it out.

KATESTUCK ON YOU,

PRINCETONLOVE ME DO,

KATEMY HEART WILL GO ON.I loved Titanic!

PRINCETON

It was alright.

PRINCETONSHE'S GOT A WAY,

KATEYESTERDAY,

PRINCETONGOODNIGHT SAIGON

From the Russia concert!

KATEGreat.

THROUGH THE YEARS,

PRINCETON

THE THEME FROM CHEERS,

KATEMOVING RIGHT ALONG.

Nice tape.

PRINCETONThere's one more...

I HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU IN A SONG.

KATEPrinceton, that's so sweet! I've never gotten such a nice present from a guy.

PRINCETON

Awww. I'm glad you like it. But I've got to run now. I'm going to make one for Brian and Christmas Eve, and Gary, and Nicky and Rod, and Trekkie Monster, and everyone!

KATE

Oh.

PRINCETON

And um...

KATEYes?

PRINCETON

What are you doing tonight?

KATEGrading term papers... but it's kindergarten so they're very short. Why?

PRINCETON

Everyone's going to hear this singer at the Around the Clock Cafe. Do you want to go with me?

KATE

Like, a date?

PRINCETON

Sure, a date. It'll be a blast.

KATEI'd love to come.

PRINCETON

Okay. Well, uh, I'll see you then.

KATE

Okay.

PRINCETONBye!

KATE

Bye!

[PRINCETON exits.]

He likes me!ACT 1, SCENE 6 The Around the Clock Cafe.

BRIANI AM NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR TODAY!

NO, I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR TODAY!

NOT THAT YOU PROB'LY CARE

MUCH ABOUT MY UNDERWEAR,

STILL, NONETHELESS I GOTTA SAY,

THAT I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR TODAY!

C.E.

Get a job!

BRIANThank you... honey. But don't move a muscle, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back with our headline performer!

GARYSo, Trekkie, you never leave your apartment. What made you drag your furry ass out here?

TREKKIE

Oh, me see pictures of next singer on Internet. Ho ho ho!

[PRINCETON and KATE enter]

PRINCETONOh, there's an empty table.

KATELets grab it.

PRINCETONLadies first.

KATE

Aw, you're such a gentleman Princeton.

PRINCETONWell, you too. I mean, you look a knockout tonight.

KATEYou!

BRIANSo. Here's the woman you all came to see. The Around the Clock is proud to present, fresh from her world tour headlining in Amsterdam, Bangkok, and Celebration, Florida, please give a warm hand to the star of Girls Gone Wild Parts 2, 5, and 7, Lucy the Slut!

[LUCY enters]

LUCY

I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL WHEN IT SUCKS TO BE YOU

LET ME MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL FOR AN HOUR OR TWO

YOUR LIFE'S A ROUTINE THAT REPEATS EACH DAY

NO ONE CARES WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU SAY

AND SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOBODY

BUT YOU CAN FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY

WITH ME

BRIAN

Wow.

[All the guys cheer and catcall as LUCY sultrily walks around the cafe]

LUCY

Yeah, they're real.

WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER THE EARTH WILL SHAKE

AND THE STARS WILL FALL INTO THE SEA.

SO COME ON BABY, LET DOWN YOUR GUARD

WHEN YOUR DATE'S IN THE BATHROOM, I'LL SLIP YOU MY CARD

I CAN TELL JUST BY LOOKING THAT YOU'VE GOT IT HARD

FOR ME. FOR ME!

FOR ME! FOR ME! FOR ME! FOR ME!I CAN TELL JUST BY LOOKING

THAT YOU ARE ESPECIALLY HARD FOR ME!

LUCYThank you. Thank you gentlemen and obstacles to those gentlemen. Have a few drinks and I sure do hope you enjoyed my set.

[All applaud as LUCY exits]

BRIAN

[Heads TREKKIE off as he tries to follow LUCY]

No, Trekkie!

TREKKIEOh, but Brian!

BRIAN

No!

TREKKIEOh. Me have to hurry home. NOW!

[TREKKIE exits]

PRINCETONWow. That Lucy's something, isn't she?

KATEShe's something.

PRINCETONKate, could I get you a drink?

KATEI'll get a water. I got to be chipper to teach tomorrow. It's a big day. The teacher I'm assisting is going into the hospital tomorrow morning so I have the entire class to myself. And if I do well it could mean a big career boost!

[The THE BEARS enter]

THE BEARSHey guys!

BEAR #1We brought you some Long Island ice teas!

KATEOh, you're so adorable! Who are you?

BEAR #2We're your friends. Have a drink!

BEAR #1Eat some.

KATE

No thank you.

BEAR #1Oh, just a little ittle sip.

KATEI really shouldn't.

BEAR #1But it's only a Long Island ice tea.

BEAR #2They're so sweet and delicious.

THE BEARSPleeeeaaase!

KATEWell, one sip can't hurt. Cheers, Princeton!

PRINCETON

Cheers. Here's to you, Kate Monster.

THE BEARS

Yay!

KATEThat's delicious!

BEAR #1Why don't you play a drinking game?That's the recipe for fun.

KATEI don't know any drinking games. Do you, Princeton?

BEAR #2Oh, I know one! It's called I Bet I Can Drink Faster Than You Can.

THE BEARS1-2-3-Go! [PRINCETON and KATE drink their Long Island ice teas quickly]

Yay! It was a tie. Rematch!

KATEGosh, that's nummy.

THE BEARSAnother round!

KATEI'll get the next one, Princeton.

PRINCETONGreat!

KATEI'll be back in a second.

BEAR #2This time, Kate, lets get larges.

KATEOoooo-kaay.

BEAR #1Hey, Princeton! How's the date going, huh?

PRINCETONPretty well, I think.

BEAR #1Well you just hang in there, little man. You're gonna get some tonight if you keep working at it. Just keep your eye on the prize.

Ooh, wow! Look who's coming!

[LUCY enters]

LUCYWhat's up?

PRINCETONHi, I'm Princeton.

LUCY

Lucy. Man, I'm beat. I still haven't figured out where I'm gonna crash tonight.

BEAR #1See her boobs!

BEAR #2

Shhh!

LUCYAll I need is a warm mattress, you know?

PRINCETON

Well, mine's pretty cold, usually.

LUCY

It wouldn't be cold for long. Where's your pad?

KATE

[Rushing over hastily] The drinks will be right over, Princeton. Why, hello.

LUCY

I'll have a scotch on the rocks.

KATEI'm not a waitress.

PRINCETONLucy, I'd like you to meet Kate Monster.

LUCY

Aww, you're dating a monster. I dated a monster once, but I got sick of picking the fur out of my teeth.

KATEWell if your teeth are the problem I could take out a couple...

PRINCETON

Okay, Lucy, it was nice talking to you.

LUCYHave fun with your monster. But when you're ready for a real woman, you know where to find me. [LUCY exits]

PRINCETONMan Kate, I'm sorry.

KATE

No, I understand. You're irresistible is all.

PRINCETON

She just knows she can't compare to you.

KATEI think you're wonderful, Princeton.

PRINCETONYou're not bad yourself, Kate.

BEAR #1Take her home!

BEAR #2She's wasted!

PRINCETONHey, cut that out!

[KATE is acting very drunk] Kate?

KATEHmmm?

PRINCETONI, uh, I think you look really beautiful tonight.

KATE

Oh, Princeton. You look so handsome I could eat you alive.

[PRINCETON and KATE embrace very energetically and noisily]

THE BEARS

More drinks! More fun! Yay!ACT 1, SCENE 7 The various bedrooms of Avenue Q

[Various moans and cries can be heard from PRINCETON and KATE, who are very animated in bed]

KATE

Oh my god, Princeton! Right there, that's the spot. That's the spot! Okay, okay, a little lower.

PRINCETONA little lower.

KATE

Okay, now to the left.

PRINCETONTo the left, okay.

KATENo, my left.

PRINCETON

Oh, your left. Okay. Oh my god, Kate, oh my god, no one's ever touched me like this before. You can't put your finger there... put your finger there!

GARY

[Backed up by THE BEARS]

YOU CAN BE AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT

WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE

(WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE)

Yeah!




Yeah!




GARY AND THE BEARS

YOU CAN BE AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WAN-TUH!

PRINCETON AND KATEAhhgh!

[A phone rings]

GARY

Gaaary Coleman! You hear what? Hell no, I won't tell them to quiet down!

KATEAre we being to loud?

PRINCETONYeah, are we bothering someone?

GARY

Oh, no, not at all kids. You keep doing what you doing.

THE BEARSLouder!

GARY

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE LOUD AT THE LIB'ARY

AT TH ART MUSEUM OR AT A PLAY-YAY,

(AT A PLAY!)

BUT WHEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE DOIN' THE NASTY,

(DOIN' THE NASTY)

DON'T BEHAVE LIKE YOU'RE AT THE BALLET

PRINCETON, KATE, AND THE BEARS

LOUD! LOUD! LOUD!

GARY

YOU CAN BE AS LOUD AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT


(MAKIN' SWEET, SWEET LOVE!)



(LOUD AS THE HELL, LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT)

DON'T LET THE NEIGHBORS STOP YOU FROM HAVIN' FUN

THEY'LL HAVE PEACE AND QUIET WHEN YOU'RE GOOD AND DONE!

GARY, THE BEARS, KATE, PRINCETON

BE AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT

GARY, THE BEARS, KATE, PRINCETON, BRIAN, C.E.

WHEN YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE!

Uh huh huh huh!

LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT

KATEFaster, Princeton

C.E.Blian, slow down! This not a race!

ALLLOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT

PRINCETONOh YEAH!

BRIANWho's your Daddy!

C.E.What? Blian!

ALL

LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT,

GARYYEAH!

ALLLOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT

GARYSmack it and lick it and rub it and suck it!

ALLLOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT,

GARYWhat?

C.E.Yes! Work your mama!

ALLLOUD AS THE HELL YOU

KATEOh yeah, that's it!

BRIANOoh babe!

PRINCETONHoly cow!

TREKKIEAah!

ALLLOUD AS THE HELL YOU

LOUD AS THE HELL YOU

(YOU GOTTA BE LOUD)



(YOU GOTTA BE LOUD)



(YOU GOTTA)

GARY

Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

ALL



LOUD AS THE HELL YOU (LOUD) WANT!ACT 1, SCENE 8 Rod and Nicky's apartment, Kate's apartment

MAN (ON VIDEO)Com

WOMAN (ON VIDEO)Mitment.

MANCom

WOMAN

Mitment.

MANCom

WOMAN

Mitment.

MANCom

WOMAN

Mitment. Commitment.

[Lights come up on ROD and NICKY, who are in separate beds]

ROD

It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky! You awake?

NICKYUh, is that a unicorn?

ROD

He's talking in his sleep again.

NICKY

No, I'll wear the purple shoes... who painted the kitten?

RODMaybe I should just shake him.

NICKY

I love you Rod.

RODWhat did you say?

NICKYI love your little laugh.

RODNicky? Are you awake?

NICKY

Take off your shirt.

RODOh, Nicholas, have you been shy all this time? Have we been hiding from each other? I wonder.

ALL THOSE NIGHTS I LAY IN BED

THOUGHTS OF YOU RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD

NICKY

I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie.

ROD

BUT I NEVER THOUGHT THE THINGS IN MY HEAD

COULD REALLY HAPPEN IN MY BED.

NICKY

You look like David Hasselhoff.

ROD

ALL THOSE YEARS I MISSED THE SIGNS

COULDN'T READ BETWEEN THE LINES

WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THE DAY

WHERE I'D HEAR YOU SAY WHAT I HEARD YOU SAY

AND NOW, I FIND

WHAT WAS ALWAYS IN MY MIND WAS IN YOUR MIND TOO

WHO KNEW?!

FANTASIES COME TRUE!

AND NOW, I SEE

THAT WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF WAS MEANT TO BE

YOU AND ME, ME AND YOU

FANTASIES COME TRUE!

YOU AND ME LIVED IN FANTASY

BUT SOON WE'LL BE A REALITY

PRINCETONKate, that was amazing.

KATEYou're amazing.

PRINCETON

I want you to have this. It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck. It's from the year I was born. See? Who knows, maybe it'll bring you good luck. It did for me. I found you.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THE TIME THAT WE'VE SPENT

HOW GREAT IT'S BEEN,

HOW MUCH IT'S MEANT

KATE

GOSH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU FEEL THAT WAY

CUZ I'M AFRAID THAT I LIKE YOU MORE

THAN I'VE EVER LIKED ANY GUY BEFORE

ROD

CUZ NOW

KATE

CUZ NOW

ROD

MY LOVE

KATE

MY LOVE

BOTH

I'M GETTING WHAT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN DREAMING OF

ROD

SO ARE YOU

KATE

OH, BABY

BOTHFANTASIES COME TRUE

KATE

AND NOW

RODAND NOW

KATE

I SWEAR

ROD

I SWEAR THAT

BOTH

WHEN YOU WANT ME, I'M GONNA BE RIGHT THERE

ROD

TO CARE

KATE

TO CARE

BOTH

FOR YOU

KATE

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO

ROD

AND MAKE YOUR FANTASIES

KATE

FANTASIES

BOTH

COME TRUE

ROD

FANTASIES COME TRUE.

NICKY

Hey, Rod, buddy, you're talking in your sleep.

RODOh, I thought you were talking in your sleep

NICKY

No, I just came to bed. You're dreaming, is all. It sounded like a nice dream, though.

RODYes, it was a nice dream.

NICKY

Goodnight!

RODGoodnight, Nicky.

[Lights fade on ROD/NICKY and come up on PRINCETON /KATE. A phone rings]

KATEHello.

THISTLETWATGood afternoon, Katherine. You may recall that you were supposed to teach my class this morning while I got my heart replaced.

KATEOh my god.

THISTLETWATYou left the children unattended for three hours! They created their own tribal society! They tried to sacrifice poor little Britney. Where were you?!

KATEI, uh, I overslept. I'm SO sorry!

THISTLETWATI should never have hired a monster.

KATEWhat?

THISTLETWAT

Your race is notoriously lazy.

KATEWell better a monster than a crabby old bitch!

THISTLETWATCrabby old bitches are the bedrock of this nation. I regret the day I hired you.

KATEWell I don't care because I quit.

THISTLETWAT

No, I'm going to fire you.

KATEYou can't fire me because I quit!

THISTLETWAT

You're going to hell, Katherine.

KATESee you there! [Slams down phone]

Was I too mean?

PRINCETONGood for you!

KATE

I hated working for her. I can get by on my savings for a while and temp a bit, and then pursue what I really want in my life.

PRINCETONYour school!

KATEYes.

PRINCETONI think you're really brave, Kate.

KATEYeah?

PRINCETONListen. Are you going to Brian and Christmas Eve's wedding?

KATEOf course.

PRINCETONI was thinking we could, you know, go together.

KATEOh my gosh. Well it seems like I always go to weddings alone. I don't know what I'd do if I went with a... a...

PRINCETONWith a boyfriend?

KATE

Yeah.

PRINCETON

Come with me.

KATE

That'd be great. [Starts to tear up]

PRINCETONAre you okay, Kate?

KATEYeah, yeah. I just get fur in my eyes sometimes.

[They share a passionate embrace]ACT 1, SCENE 9 The Wedding

[GARY, dressed in a suit and a yarmulke, walks down and up the stage, modeling his outfit. He exits as ROD and NICKY enter and walk down the center of the stage.]

RODDid you bring the camera?

NICKY

What camera?

ROD

Under the bed.

NICKY

Whose bed? [they bicker for a second or two]

RODNicky, just shhh!

[People start setting up the tent for a Jewish wedding. KATE and PRINCETON walk down the center aisle.]

PRINCETON

Kate, you look beautiful tonight.

KATEThank you!

[The wedding march plays as CHRISTMAS EVE enters dressed in an enormous, unbelievably tacky gown. TREKKIE opens his window and looks down on the scene]

GARYAnd by the power invested in me, Gary Coleman, I now pronounce you husband and wife. [BRIAN steps on a chalice]

C.E.L'chaim!

[BRIAN and CHRISTMAS EVE embrace and kiss]

ALLMazel Tov!

NICKYThat was beautiful, wasn't it Rod?

RODGee. They're so lucky to have each other.

NICKYAre you upset, Rod?

RODI need a moment to myself, okay?

[ROD runs off to the corner of the stage to sulk]

NICKYNo, buddy, talk to me. What's the matter?

BRIANHey, what's up with Rod?

GARYYeah, he's sure looking down in the dumps lately.

C.E.He lonely. He need a girlfriend.

GARYA girlfriend? You got to be kidding. Rod?

C.E.He not so ugly.

GARYNo, I always figured that Rod was one of those gays.

C.E.Rod is gay?!

BRIANI bet Nicky would know. Hey, Nicky! Come over here.

NICKY

Sure guys. What's up?

C.E.We wondering if Rod is a gay.

NICKYWell it's funny you should ask, because I do think Rod is gay. I always have. But, you know, I figured if he wanted to tell me he would. So, yes. Definitely. I would say that my buddy Rod is a closeted homosexual.

RODNicky! How could you say that about me?

NICKYOh, hi Rod! All I said was, Uh, yes! Definitely! I would say that my buddy Rod... has... an undescended testicle!

RODNo! I heard... no!

NICKYWell, uh, I'm sorry Rod.

[ROD stammers for a minute]

RODI am NOT a closeted homowhatever! I have a whole life that none of you know about. Not even you, Nicky!

NICKYYou do, Rod?

RODSure I do. For example: I, I...

OH, I WISH YOU COULD MEET MY GIRLFRIEND,

MY GIRLFRIEND WHO LIVES IN CANADA.

SHE COULDN'T BE SWEETER,

I WISH YOU COULD MEET HER,

MY GIRLFRIEND WHO LIVES IN CANADA1!

HER NAME IS ALBERTA, SHE LIVES IN VANCOUVER.

SHE COOKS LIKE MY MOTHER AND SUCKS LIKE A HOOVER.

I E-MAIL HER EVERY SINGLE DAY,

JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

IT'S A PITY SHE LIVES SO FAR AWAY,

IN CANADA!

LAAAAST WEEK SHE WAS HERE BUT SHE HAD THE FLU.

TOO BAAAAAAAD, CAUSE I WANTED TO INTRODUCE HER TO YOU.

IT'S SO SAAAAAAD, THERE WASN'T A THING THAT SHE COULD DO

BUT STAY IN BED,

WITH HER LEGS UP OVER HER HEAD!

Oh!

I WISH YOU COULD MEET MY GIRLFRIEND,

But you can't because she is in Canada.

I LOVE HER, I MISS HER, I CAN'T WAIT TO KISS HER,

SO SOON I'LL BE OFF TO ALBERTA!...I mean, Vancouver!

Shit! Her NAME is Alberta, she LIVES in Vancouver

SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND!

MY WONDERFUL GIRLFRIEND!

YES I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO LIVES IN CANADA!

And I can't wait to eat her pussy again!

GARYBoy, I really should be get moving. Yes sir, quite a busy day ahead for Gary Coleman. [GARY exits]

C.E.

Maybe we go to buffet.

BRIAN

Yeah, I'm starving!

KATE

We'll join you!

[All exit except NICKY and ROD]

NICKYOh, what I meant to say, Rod, was, uh, that I'd still be your buddy even if you were gay.

RODNicky, I want you out of the apartment when I get back.

NICKYWhat, you're kicking me out?

ROD

Go live in a park for all I care! [ROD turns and exits]

NICKY

But Rod! I... oh, gee. I guess I better try to patch things up with Rod. I didn't make him mad on purpose.

PRINCETONPurpose!

C.E.I throw bouquet in few minutes, Kate Monster. I have eye on good husband for you.

KATEOh, Christmas Eve!

C.E.

I might throw bouquet to you on purpose!

PRINCETONPurpose.

KATEOh, Princeton, I have so much fun with you!

PRINCETONYeah, me too.

KATEHey, what are you doing tomorrow?

PRINCETON

It feels like I'm forgetting something.

KATEOh, she's throwing the bouquet! I'll be right back.

PRINCETONPurpose. Purpose!

[In a video, the word PURPOSE is slowly transformed into PROPOSE]

PRINCETONNoooooo!

[A dissonant version of the Wedding March is played as a bride and bridegroom walk around the stage Frankenstein-style and a gigantic Kate Monster puppet peers out from behind the apartment building. PRINCETON screams throughout the whole sequence]

KATEI caught the bouquet, Princeton! Well, some little girl caught it, but she wasn't very strong.

PRINCETON

Neat, uh...

KATEYou alright?

PRINCETONUm, um... Kate? Kate, I have something I need to say.

KATEPrinceton, you can tell me anything!

PRINCETON

Listen. When I moved here to Avenue Q, I was looking for my purpose.

KATEI remember.

PRINCETON

And, uh, we've been spending so much time together, and I've lost track of finding it.

KATE

Uh-huh.

PRINCETON

I don't want to be an old man and look back and realize that I never found my reason to be alive.

KATESo...

PRINCETONYeah.

KATESo you don't want to spend time with me anymore?

PRINCETONNo, no, I love being with you!

KATEOh, good. Because I thought you meant...

PRINCETONBut I don't want a girlfriend before I know my mission in life.

KATEBut you just said

PRINCETONI can't get tied down now, Kate. If we stay together, believe me, we won't even be friends in the end!

KATEBut I'm not looking for friends. I have plenty of friends.

PRINCETON

You like me, don't you?

KATEWell... yes, I do. And I think that's why you should get out of here.

PRINCETON

You mean leave?

KATEUnless you have another definition for 'Get out of here'.

[PRINCETON exits]

THERE'S A FINE, FINE LINE

BETWEEN A LOVER AND A FRIEND;

THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE

BETWEEN REALITY AND PRETEND;

AND YOU NEVER KNOW KNOW TILL YOU REACH THE TOP,

IF IT WAS WORTH THE UPHILL CLIMB.

THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND WASTE OF TIME.


BETWEEN A FAIRY TALE AND A LIE;

AND THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE

BETWEEN YOU'RE WONDERFUL AND GOODBYE.

I GUESS IF SOMEONE DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK,

IT ISN'T SUCH A CRIME,

BUT THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE

BETWEEN LOVE AND WASTE OF YOUR TIME.

AND I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO WASTE ON YOU ANYMORE.

I DON'T THINK THAT YOU EVEN KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

FOR MY OWN SANITY I'VE GOT TO CLOSE THE DOOR

AND WALK AWAY.

WHOA...


BETWEEN TOGETHER AND NOT

AND THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE

BETWEEN WHAT YOU WANTED AND WHAT YOU GOT.

YA GOTTA GO AFTER THE THINGS YOU WANT

WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN YOUR PRIME...


BETWEEN LOVE AND A WASTE OF TIME.

END OF ACT 1ACT 2, SCENE 1 Princeton's apartment

[PRINCETON is lying on the floor in his apartment]

PRINCETON

Purpose. Purpose. Purpose.

VOICE #1Quest.

PRINCETONWho said that? Purpose.

VOICE #1Quest.

VOICE #2

Quest.

PRINCETONPurpose.

VOICE #1Quest.

VOICE #2

Quest.

BOTHPurposeless now!

PRINCETONCut it out. Who's doing that?

[the BEARS appear.]

THE BEARS

Hey, Princeton!

BEAR #2

Aw, we're just fooling around.

BEAR #1Gosh, you look so blue!

BEAR #2

We're gonna cheer you up.

BEAR #1How about a little smile?

BEAR #2

I think I see a smile.

[THE BEARS pinch PRINCETON's cheeks while making baby noises]

Oh, come on Princeton!

PRINCETON

Sorry guys, it's not gonna work.

BEAR #1Judge Judy's your friend!

BEAR #2Yeah, watch Judge Judy when you're all sad and low.

PRINCETONIt's not working.

BEAR #1Well you could always hang yourself.

BEAR #2

[Running offstage and reentering with a rope]

Yeah, we found this rope.

PRINCETONI'm not going to hang myself!

THE BEARSAww.

PRINCETONCould you guys just go away?

BEAR #1Gosh, he's Snappy the Turtle today. Well we'll leave the rope, just in case.

PRINCETONGet out!

[THE BEARS laugh and exit. A knock on the door is heard]

BRIAN[Offstage] Princeton?

PRINCETONYeah?

[BRIAN enters through the door]

BRIANListen, buddy. No one's seen you for two weeks. What's up with that?

PRINCETONI went to work for a temp agency, but they fired me for being too depressing on the phone. I maxed out my cards, I'm two months behind in the rent, I totally messed up my personal life... Oh, and Brian, I still haven't found my purpose!

BRIANAlright, get off your ass and stop worrying! Everyone's getting together to mess around the city today.

PRINCETONHave fun.

BRIANWhen I say everyone that includes YOU!

THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.

I KNOW IT'S HARD TO CONCEIVE.

BUT THERE'S LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.

AND YOU'RE ONLY GONNA SEE IT IF YOU LEAVE.

THERE IS COOL SHIT TO DO

BUT IT CAN'T COME TO YOU

AND WHO KNOWS? DUDE, YOU MIGHT EVEN SCORE!

THERE IS LIVE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO OPEN THE DOOR.

PRINCETONNo thanks, I'm staying in.

BRIANDon't tell me I gotta force you.

PRINCETONSorry.

BRIANAll right, everyone. He's resisting!

[GARY, C.E., TREKKIE, NICKY, and BRIAN enter]

C.E. AND GARYTHERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE

TREKKIE, NICKY AND BRIAN

THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE

BRIAN

THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE

ALL (EXCEPT PRINCETON)


THERE'S A PIGEON SQUASHED ON THE STREET

C.E.

Eww!

BRIANTHERE'S A GIRL PASSING BY...

NICKY

NO, I THINK IT'S A GUY!

ALL (EXCEPT PRINCETON)

AND A HOMELESS MAN

WHO ONLY WANTS TO BUY SOMETHING TO EAT

Sorry. Can't help you.

ALL (INCLUDING PRINCETON)

WE COULD GO TO THE ZOO!

[Everybody is on a train, thanks to lights and sound effects]

TREKKIEPick up girls at N.Y.U.!

BRIANWE COULD SIT IN THE PARK, SMOKING POT!

C.E.

Or not!

ALL


[Train stops]

PRINCETON

WELL I GUESS I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT!

[Gunshot! Crash!]

ALL[Scream] AAAH!


I KNOW... [Sound of jackhammer] @&%*!

THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT...

OFFSTAGE VOICE

I'm gonna jump!

ALLDon't do it!

OFFSTAGEOkay!

ALL (IN A 2-PART GUY/GIRL CANON)

THERE IS COOL SHIT TO DO,

BUT IT CAN'T COME TO YOU, SO COME ON...

OFFSTAGE VOICE

Get outta the way, asshole!

PRINCETONFuck you!

ALLTHERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT.

OH, YA NEVER KNOW WHAT'S AROUND THE BEND

YOU COULD WIN THE LOTTO, OR MAKE A FRIEND!

[LUCY enters]

GARY, NICKY, TREKKIE, AND BRIAN

TAKE HER HOME TO SEE YOUR APARTMENT!

LUCY (BOYS + GARY)

DO YOU WANNA FEEL SPECIAL (SPECIAL)

I CAN SEE THAT YOU DO (OOH, OOH, OOH WOW!)

WELL, I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL (SPECIAL!)

IF YOU LET ME FEEL YOU (SHE'LL FEEL YOU!)

WHERE'S YOUR PAD?

PRINCETON

NOT TOO FAR!

BOYS

WE COULD CALL YOU A CAR!

PRINCETONWe'll be fine! Thank you! See ya!

C.E

Hope you don't get gonorrhea!

ALL

THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT!

LUCY (SIMULTANEOUS)

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!

IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!

I COULD MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL.

LET ME MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL!

PRINCETON (SIMULTANEOUS)




TREKKIE (SIMULTANEOUS)

ME GOING HOME NOW, THAT'S WHERE ME GONNA GO NOW.


ME GOING HOME NOW, THAT'S WHERE ME GONNA GO NOW!

C.E., NICKY, GARY, BRIAN




ALL


TREKKIE

For porn!

PRINCETON (SIMULTANEOUS)

AND NOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!



TREKKIE (SIMULTANEOUS)



ME GOING HOME NOW, THAT'S WHERE ME GONNA GO NOW!

C.E., NICKY, GARY, BRIAN (SIMULTANEOUS)




[PRINCETON goes to unlock his apartment door, but turns and spots KATE]

PRINCETON

Hey, Kate Monster! [walks over to KATE]

KATE[Walking out of her apartment, coldly] Good evening.

PRINCETONI haven't seen you around.

KATE

Mm-hm.

[LUCY enters and PRINCETON walks over to her]

LUCYYou gonna show me upstairs?

PRINCETONYeah, Lucy. One second, okay?

LUCYSure, baby. Don't let my motor idle too long.

[LUCY exits into Princeton's apartment]

KATE

She a friend of yours?

PRINCETONYeah.

KATEDeserting purpose?

PRINCETON[Hesitating] Kate, I gotta go. [Starts to exit]

KATEHave fun.

[CHRISTMAS EVE enters]

C.E.What the matter, Kate Monster?

KATEI hate Princeton. He's with that Lucy.

C.E.Oh, that evil girl? She skanky. But that not make Princeton bad person, Kate Monster.

KATEI don't know any more.

C.E.

But you still feeling for him, don't you.

KATEI do feeling for him.

C.E.Sometimes person need time for learning. People always learning all through their life. Look at mama bird. She push baby bird out of nest and that's it. If baby bird fly, good for baby. If baby bird fall and crack head on rock and get eaten by cat, then it need to do better next time.

KATEWhy can't people get along and love each other, Christmas Eve?

C.E. (KATE)

You think getting arong same as ruving? Sometimes love right where you hating most, Kate Monster.

THE MORE YOU RUV SOMEONE,

THE MORE YOU WANT TO KIRREM.


THE MORE HE MAKE YOU CLY.

THOUGH YOU ARE TLY

FOR MAKING PEACE WITH THEM AND RUVING,

THAT'S WHY YOU RUV SO STRONG YOU RIKE TO MAKE HIM DIE


THE MORE HE MAKE YOU CLAZY


THE MORE YOU WISHING HIM DEADSOMETIME YOU ROOK AT HIM AND ONRY SEE FAT AND RAZY,

AND WANTING BASEBAR BAT FOR HITTING HIM ON HIS HEAD!

RUV... (LOVE...)

AND HATE... (AND HATE...)

THEY RIKE TOW BLOTHERS... (BROTHERS...)

WHO GO ON A DATE (Who... what?)

WHERE ONE OF THEM GOES, OTHER ONE FORROWS

YOU INVITING RUV, HE ARSO BLINGING SOLLOWS (Ah, yes...)


THE MORE YOU WANT TO KIRREM. (AH)

RUVVING AND KIRRING FIT RIKE HAND IN GRUV (HAND IN GLOVE)

SO IF THERE SOMEONE YOU ARE WANTING SO TO KIRREM,

YOU GO AND FIND HIM

AND YOU GET HIM,

AND YOU NO KIRREM

CAUSE CHANCES GOOD

C.E. AND KATE

HE IS YOUR/MY LOVE.

[C.E. exits. Lights blackout and a spot hits KATE]

KATE

[Reading a letter]Dear Princeton, It was good to see you yesterday. Listen, I'm sorry about what happened, but I'd love to do 'friend' things with you. I'm going to visit the viewing platform at the Empire State Building at midnight tonight, and I'd love for you to come. Can you meet me there? If not, please call and let me know. Otherwise, I guess I'll see you there. Yours, Kate Monster.

CHORUS OF KIDS (ON VIDEO)Five night stands! [Five night stands are shown]

VOICE (ON VIDEO)One night stand.

[The night stands are removed one by one until only one remains]

CHORUS OF KIDSOne night stand!ACT 2, SCENE 2 Avenue Q, outside Princeton's apartment

LUCYYeah?

KATEOh, it's you.

LUCYAre you the cleaning lady?

KATEI will not rise to your bait. Where is Princeton?

LUCYHe's hosing off in the shower. You need something?

KATE

I wanted to leave him this note is all. [Sets note on the windowsill]

LUCYOh, man. That kid kept me busy all night. Say, baby, you mind checking to see if there are any stretch marks on my back?

KATEOh, yes, I see them. It looks like they say, help me. [Exits]

LUCY

Hey kid, you almost done in there?

PRINCETON

[Offstage] Yeah, I'm drying off.

LUCY

He doesn't need to be messing with some monster [Destroys the note]ACT 2, SCENE 3 Avenue Q, outside Brian & Christmas Eve's apartment

[BRIAN and NICKY enter]

NICKYIt's been a hard few weeks, Brian, what with Rod kicking me out and all. And I just wanted to say thank you for letting me stay with you and your lovely bride.

BRIANActually, I wanted to talk with you about that.

[CHRISTMAS EVE enters from her apartment]

C.E.

Brian, you tell him to go!

BRIAN

Honey! Don't be an idiot.

C.E.

I no do your housework! I no cook for you and clean for you and pick up all your dressing. One lazy fat ass enough for this lady. This morning I take a shower, and I pick up soap, and I saying who putting all these little green pubic hairs on soap? They not belong to me. They not belong to Brian. Who then could it be? I about to puking! So we go make him go away! And good!

[CHRISTMAS EVE exits into her apartment]

NICKY[Stammering] But... I... see... I... [C.E. slams door shut]

BRIAN

Sorry, buddy.

NICKYI don't know where to go.

BRIANYou could stay with Princeton... or Kate?

NICKYBut I did already! And they kicked me out, too.

BRIANThere's got to be someone who can help you out, buddy. Sorry.

[BRIAN exits. NICKY notices GARY, who enters reading a newspaper]

NICKYOh! Why, uh, good evening there Gary!

GARYNicky!

NICKY

Listen, Gary. I need a place to stay and I was wondering if I could just, you know, sleep on your floor. Now, just till Rod and I patch things up.

GARYI see. Well how do I put this, uh... NO.

NICKY

No? But I've asked everyone. And if you don't take me, where will I live?

GARYWhat about on the street?

NICKY

You mean I should be homeless?

GARYSure.

NICKYThat's a terrible way to live!

GARY

Oh yeah? Try being a has-been at age 15. Look, kid. I know from living in the dumps, but look on the bright side. Think of all the joy you'll bring to others when they find out just how miserable you are.

NICKYWhat?

GARY

RIGHT NOW YOU ARE DOWN AND OUT

AND FEELING REALLY CRAPPY.

NICKY

I'll say.

AND WHEN I SEE HOW SAD YOU ARE,

IT SORT OF MAKES ME HAPPY!

NICKYHappy?

GARY

SORRY NICKY, HUMAN NATURE.

NOTHING I CAN DO.

IT'S SCHADENFREUDE!

MAKIN' ME FEEL GLAD THAT I'M NOT YOU.

NICKY

That's not very nice, Gary!

GARYI didn't say it was nice, but everybody does it!

D'JA EVER CLAP WHEN A WAITRESS FALLS

AND DROPS A TRAY OF GLASSES?

NICKYYeah!

AND AIN'T IT FUN TO WATCH FIGURE SKATERS

FALLING ON THEIR ASSES?

NICKYSure!

GARY

DON'T YA FEEL ALL WARM AND COZY,

WATCHING PEOPLE OUT IN THE RAIN?

NICKYYou bet!

GARY

THAT'S

BOTH

SHADENFREUDE!

GARYPEOPLE TAKING PLEASURE IN YO' PAIN!

[A video appears, showing the word shad`'n froi'd]

NICKY

Schadenfreude? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?

GARY

Yup! It's German for Happiness at the misfortune of others!

NICKYHappiness at the misfortune of others? That is German.

WATCHING A VEGETARIAN

BEING TOLD SHE JUST ATE CHICKEN,

GARY

OR WATCHING A FRAT BOY REALIZE

JUST WHAT HE PUT HIS DICK IN!

NICKY

BEING ON AN ELEVATOR WHEN SOMEBODY SHOUTS,

HOLD THE DOOR!

BOTH

No!!!

SHADENFREUDE!

GARY

FUCK YOU LADY, THAT'S WHAT STAIRS ARE FOR!

NICKY

How about straight A students getting Bs!

GARYEx's getting S.T.D.'s!

NICKYWaking doormen from their naps!

GARYWatching tourists reading maps!

NICKYFootball players getting tackled!

GARYC.E.O.'s getting shackled!

NICKYWatching actors never reach

BOTHThe ending of their Oscar speech!

SCHADENFREUDE!

SCHADENFREUDE!

SCHADENFREUDE!

SCHADENFREUDE!

GARY

THE WORLD NEEDS PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME

WHO'VE BEEN KNOCKED AROUND BY FATE

CAUSE WHEN PEOPLE SEE US

THEY DON'T WANT TO BE US

AND THAT MAKES THEM FEEL GREAT

NICKYSure!

WE PROVIDE A VITAL SERVICE TO SOCIETY!

BOTHYOU AND ME,

SCHADENFREUDE!

MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE

MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO BE!

GARY

[A video flashes each letter as GARY says it] S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!ACT 2, SCENE 4 The Empire State Building

KATE[On top of the Empire State Building] All those people look like ants down there. And their hearts look about as tiny as the ones inside the men I've dated. Princeton gave me this penny once. He said it was the symbol of his hopes and dreams. And he never called, like I asked him to, but I don't see him anywhere, and pretty soon he'll be an hour late, if he comes at all.

PRINCETON[On the street below the Empire State Building] Hey, Lucy, where'd you go this morning? I've been looking all over for you.

LUCYAw, man. Why do I always get the clingy guys?

PRINCETONYou left is all, without even saying goodbye.

LUCYListen, kid. Sorry to be honest, but look at me. I can have my pick of the litter. If I want a relationship, I'll find a guy with a good job who has a future and some money, and not some well-hung baby face kid who leeches from his parents and can't get his act together!

PRINCETONI think I heard a compliment in there somewhere.

KATE[Above] I'm going to get rid of this stupid penny. And I'll make a wish: I hope, more than anything, I hope that I find someone I love. Someone who loves me back. [KATE lets out a scream and hurls the penny over the railing]

Somehow, I don't feel any better.

PRINCETON[Below] Look, Lucy. I'm only looking for my purpose, my big break, my big revelation.

LUCY

You know the only revelation people have in life, kiddo? They're not special. You're not special. You're no luckier or more gifted than anyone else.

PRINCETONYou don't think so?

LUCYNo!

PRINCETONNow whenever I pass by this place, I'll think about what you said just now.

LUCYWhat's so special about this place?

PRINCETONYou mean here, on 34th and 5th, right next to the Empire State Building?

[A falling sound is heard and Lucy's head lolls]

PRINCETONLucy?ACT 2, SCENE 5 The Hospital

[A video is shown with an EKG screen. The wavelength is in the shape of two breasts, and there is text at the bottom:PATIENT: LUCY T. SLUT. Lucy is lying unconscious in a hospital bed when PRINCETON enters]

PRINCETONLucy? Can you hear me?

KATE[Entering] Princeton, I... I heard your friend had an accident. How is she?

PRINCETON

Her head fell off in the ambulance, and the doctor spent the night sewing it back on. But the prognosis is good.

KATE

What happened to her?

PRINCETON

Some idiot threw a penny off the Empire State Building.

KATE

[Aside] Shit.

PRINCETONKate, what are you doing here?

KATE

Why didn't you bother to say you weren't coming? I told you in my note...

PRINCETONWhat note?

KATE

The one I left with... [Glances at LUCY and suddenly understands]

Oh. I feel better now.

PRINCETON

How are you Kate?

KATE

Honestly?

PRINCETONOf course.

KATE

I'm working at Barnes & Noble. I miss my students. I work all day and I'm poorer than ever.

PRINCETONWhat about your dream?

KATE

Some people's dreams come true, but I don't think I'm one of those people.

PRINCETONDon't say that.

KATE

But that's the way life is, Princeton. Nobody teaches you that when you're a kid because if you knew, no one would ever dream or want to grow up. But you can't stop growing up. I'm late for work. [Turns to leave]

PRINCETONKate, listen. I wish you were happy. And I wish I had my life together, but I don't, and I don't know when that's going to happen. And I'm so sorry for hurting your feelings because I think you are so special. Sorry that wasn't more articulate.

KATEIt was perfectly articulate. I really do have to go.

[Lucy's EKG goes flat for a minute, then returns to normal]ACT 2, SCENE 6 Avenue Q

NICKYHelp the homeless! Help the homeless! [ROD enters] Oh, hi Rod!

RODOh, is that the wind I hear, rustling through the branches?

NICKYOh, listen, Rod. From now on, I'll believe anything you say about yourself. And I apologize for being such a messy roommate. And now that I have a place of my own behind that dumpster over there I can appreciate how hard it is to keep things nice. Well? [C.E. enters and watches as Nicky waits for a response] Well, okay, Rod buddy. I'll see you around. [Exits]

C.E.

Rod? Are you okay?

ROD

Yeah. Christmas Eve, can I consult with you briefly?

C.E.Sure. [ROD lays down in C.E.'s lap] What the problem today?

ROD

Well, uh, it's tiny really. I, uh...

C.E.Go on.

ROD

Many of my friends are married now, and now that you and Brian... I...

C.E.

Go on.

RODWhy don't I have someone by my side who makes me feel special and safe? Someone who loves me the way I love them. [Cries]

C.E.Rod, you special. Rod, you safe.

RODI miss Nicky.

C.E.I know you do.

[ROD sobs into C.E.'s lap as the lights come up on KATE (standing on the viewing platform of the Empire State Building), NICKY, and PRINCETON]

KATEI WISH I COULD GO BACK TO COLLEGE.

LIFE WAS SO SIMPLE BACK THEN.

NICKY

WHAT WOULD I GIVE TO GO BACK AND LIVE

IN A DORM WITH A MEAL PLAN AGAIN!

[KATE and NICKY sigh]

PRINCETON

I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO COLLEGE.

IN COLLEGE YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU SIT IN THE QUAD,

AND THINK, OH MY GOD,

I AM TOTALLY GONNA GO FAR!

PRINCETON, NICKY, AND KATE

HOW DO I GO BACK TO COLLEGE?

I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!

PRINCETON

I WANNA GO BACK TO MY ROOM

AND FIND A MESSAGE IN DRY ERASE PEN ON THE DOOR!

WHOA, I WISH I COULD JUST DROP A CLASS

NICKY

OR GET INTO A PLAY

KATE

OR CHANGE MY MAJOR

PRINCETON

OR FUCK MY T.A.


I NEED AN ACADEMIC ADVISOR TO POINT THE WAY!

WE COULD BE SITTING IN THE COMPUTER LAB

FOUR A.M. BEFORE THE FINAL PAPER IS DUE,

CURSING THE WORLD 'CAUSE I DIDN'T START SOONER,

AND SEEING THE REST OF THE CLASS THERE TOO!

PRINCETON

I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO COLLEGE


HOW DO I GO BACK TO COLLEGE?

PRINCETONI WISH I HAD TAKEN MORE PICTURES.

NICKY

BUT IF I WERE TO GO BACK TO COLLEGE,

THINK WHAT A LOSER I'D BE....

I'D WALK THROUGH THE QUAD,

AND THINK, OH MY GOD,


THESE KIDS ARE SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN ME.ACT 2, SCENE 7 Avenue Q

NICKYHelp the homeless! Help the homeless! Oh, hey Princeton! Hey, can you spare a quarter?

PRINCETON

Not right now, Nicky.

NICKY

Oh, come on! You know you want to. How about a dime, hmm? Spare a dime for your old pal?

PRINCETON

I want to be alone for a while, okay?

NICKY

Yeah, but...

PRINCETONLeave me alone, okay?!

NICKYYou know what? Maybe you should stop thinking about yourself. Maybe you should try helping someone else out for a change. Like me. Oh, come on Princeton!

Give me a quarter.

HERE IN MY HAT.

COME ON, PRINCETON,

IT'S AS EASY AS THAT.

HELPING OTHERS BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO GOD,

SO GIVE ME A QUARTER.

PRINCETONI don't have any change.

NICKYHm. Okay,

GIVE ME A DOLLAR,

PRINCETON

That's not what I meant.

NICKY

Give me a five!

PRINCETONAre you kidding?

NICKY

THE MORE YOU GIVE,

THE MORE YOU GET,

THAT'S BEING ALIVE!

ALL I'M ASKING YOU

IS TO DO WHAT JESUS CHRIST WOULD DO,

HE'D GIVE ME A QUARTER.

WHY DON'T YOU?

PRINCETON

Alright, alright, here ya go. [Puts money in Nicky's hat]

NICKY

Thanks!

PRINCETONTake care. Woah!

NICKY

What's the matter?

PRINCETONI feel generous. I feel compassionate.

NICKYYou do?

PRINCETONYeah! Yeah, I feel like a new person. A good person. Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic.

NICKYThat's what I was trying to tell you.

PRINCETON

All this time I've been running around thinking about me, me, me, and where has it gotten me? I'm gonna do something for someone else!

NICKYMe?

PRINCETONNo, Kate! I'm going to raise the money to build that stupid Monster School she's always talking about!

GIVE ME YOUR MONEY

NICKY

What?

PRINCETON

I NEED IT FOR KATE

NICKYI need it to eat!

PRINCETON

COME ON NICKY,

NICKYOh, get lost!

PRINCETON

IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT!

NICKY[Aside] So would a burger!

PRINCETON

WHEN HER DREAM COMES TRUE,

IT'LL ALL BE PARTLY THANKS TO YOU

SO GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.

NICKY

I'd like to, but I can't.

PRINCETON

GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.

NICKY

I'd like to, but I need it.

PRINCETON

GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!

NICKY

I'd like to, but I'm homeless. I can't, I need it, I'm homeless, I can't, I need it I'm homeless, I can't, I need it I'm homeless

[PRINCETON slaps NICKY] Okay, here you go.

PRINCETONThank you!

NICKYSUDDENLY, I AM FEELING CLOSER TO GID.

IT'S TIME TO STOP BEGGING

IT'S TIME TO START GIVING

WHAT CAN I GIVE TO ROD?

Something he'll like so much he'll take me back... I know! I'll find him a boyfriend!

PRINCETONThat's the spirit!

BOTHWHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!

WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!

[GARY enters.]

GARYHey, boys. What's the hat for?

NICKYWe're collecting money.

PRINCETONIt's for Kate. We're raising money to help build her dream school.

GIVE US YOUR MONEY

NICKY

YOU'LL BE GLAD THAT YOU DID,

GARY

THAT'S JUST WHAT MY PARENTS TOLD ME

WHEN I WAS A KID!

Shit...

NICKY

BUT GIVING FEELS SO GREAT!

GARY

AND I BET IT WOULDN'T HURT YOUR CHANCES WITH KATE...

PRINCETON

Well, that too...

GARYI'LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR.

PRINCETONYOU'RE A GENTLEMAN AND A SCHOLAR!

[BRIAN and C.E. enter]

C.E.We so happy! We just return all your wedding gifts for cash!

BRIANHoney, don't tell them that.

C.E.

We got about two thousand bucks!

BRIANYeah, so thanks everybody!

C.E.We rich!

PRINCETON

GIVE US YOUR MONEY!

NICKY

GIVE US YOUR MONEY!

GARY

GIVE US YOUR GOD-DAMNED MONEY!

PRINCETON

GIVE US THE DOUGH!

GARY AND NICKY

GIVE US THE DOUGH!

PRINCETON, GARY, AND NICKY

WE'RE RAISING MONEY FOR A MONSTER SCHOOL,

BUT WE'VE GOT A WAYS TO GO!

PRINCETON

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE GOT MONEY TO BURN,

NICKY

AND IT'S NOT LIKE MONEY THAT YOU HAD TO EARN,

PRINCETON, GARY, AND NICKYSO GIVE US YOUR MONEY!

C.E.

A Monster School?

BRIAN

Sounds like a good cause.

C.E.Give me your wallet.

PRINCETONOh my gosh. I don't know how to thank you guys. I mean, Kate will be so grateful. That kind of money is such a great start.

GARYYeah. Fifteen dollars!

PRINCETONWha? Fifteen dollars?

C.E.Every little bit help.

NICKYLooks like we're gonna have to ask MORE people!

[ALL turn out to audience]

ALL

GIVE US YOUR MONEY!

ALL THAT YOU'VE GOT!

JUST FORK IT ON OVER

GARY

OR SOME PUPPETS WILL GET SHOT!

PRINCETON

Ah!

ALL

IT'S TIME TO PASS THE HAT,

GARY

AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO 'BOUT THAT

MEN (WOMEN)

SO GIVE US YOUR MONEY!

(GIVE US YOUR MONEY!)

GIVE US YOUR MONEY!

(GIVE US YOUR MONEY!)

ALL

GIVE US YOUR MONEY!



EV'RY TIME YOU DO GOOD DEEDS

YOU'RE ALSO SERVING YOUR OWN NEEDS,

WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS YOU'RE REALLY HELPING YOURSELF!

WHEN YOU GIVE TO A WORTHY CAUSE,

YOU'LL FEEL AS JOLLY AS SANTA CLAUS


C.E.How much did we get?

PRINCETONWell, lets see! [Looks into hats that were passed out through the audience] Besides this Metro Card which I'm keeping well, it's really not very much at all, is it?

C.E.Those people bunch of cheapskates!

BRIANNever say never, Princeton. There's still one more person we have to hit up.

[TREKKIE's window opens and his head pops out]

TREKKIENo, no, no! Me busy. Go away!

C.E.But it for a good cause.

BRIAN

Yeah, come on Trekkie!

TREKKIEOhh, what in it for ME, hmm? Go away! [Grunt]

PRINCETON

I guess Kate will never get her school for monsters.

TREKKIEWhat you say?

BRIANKate wants to open a school for monsters.

TREKKIESchool... for monsters? [Grunt] Me never hear of that!

SCHOOL FOR MONSTERS!

SCHOOL FOR LONELY LITTLE MONSTERS.

WHEN ME LITTLE, GOING TO SCHOOL,

OTHER CHILDREN THINK ME NOT COOL

POKING AND PULLING AT ME FUR...

NOW ME HAVE THERAPIST, AND WORK ON THIS WITH HER.

BUT ME NO NEED ME THERAPY

IF MONSTER SCHOOL A REALITY!

Me be right back! [Looks around his apartment and pulls out several sacks of money] I give you ten million dollars! [drops money]

PRINCETONTrekkie! Where did you get all that money?

TREKKIEIn volatile market, only stable investment is PORN.

ALLWHEN YOU HELP OTHERS, YOU CAN'T HELP HELPING YOURSELF!


EVERY TIME YOU DO GOOD DEEDS

YOU'RE ALSO SERVING YOUR OWN NEEDS,


[BRIAN and NICKY unveil a sign reading MONSTERSSORI SCHOOL]

GARYIt's your school, Kate!

BRIANAnd here's a check with enough money to renovate the building.

C.E.And you can hire teachers and cafeteria ladies and make a real, working school for monsters. We all raise the money.

KATEYou mean all that money, for me?

BRIANMost of it came from a donor who wishes to remain anonymous.

GARYWell lets just say that I chipped in, too.

KATEI don't know what to say.

BRIANJust say thanks.

KATE

Thank you. Thank you, everybody! The entire monster community thanks all of you!

BRIAN

Listen, now that everybody's all gathered here, Christmas Eve and I have an announcement.

C.E.We getting divorce! [ALL gasp] I only kidding. But, we leaving Avenue Q.

KATEWhat?

C.E.We married now. It's right to move on. So we move to nicer neighborhood: to Lower East Side.

KATEBut you can't leave!

BRIANCome on, guys. We'll still keep in touch. Oh, and there's another reason. I'm starting a new career. I'm a consultant!

C.E.I not know what that is, but I so proud of him. And I have good news too. I finally get a regular client. I a paid therapist!

NICKYOh? Who is your client?

C.E.Oh, I not allowed to say. But I seeing him seven times a week at one twenty-five an hour. He need a rot of help. We work through his issues and he come out other side an integrated person.

KATEI bet I know who it is.

C.E.He much better.

NICKYOoh! You mean Rod?

C.E.

I not allowed to say.

BRIANSay, where is he, anyway? Get him out here!

[Crash!]

C.E.God dammit!

[ROD enters]

RODLa la la! Champagne for everybody! Oh, I've got some news!

C.E.Oh, Rod, you okay!

RODAnd you're okay too. [Laughs] Oh, everyone. I have confronted my fears and won, so I have a few things I'd like to say. Number one: I apologize for being so hot-headed and difficult. It was all because, well, this is number two. Hold your applause everybody. Because I, Rod, am gay! Okay, and three: Nicky. Oh, Nicky. I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. I've missed you so much. Will you move back in with me?

NICKY

Oh! Well, if it makes you happy, Rod.

RODIt would.

NICKYAlright.

[ROD and NICKY cheer and embrace]

NICKY

Hey, Rod, guess what I did!

RODWhat?

NICKY

I put a personal ad all over the Internet with your picture on it.

RODYou did what?!

NICKY

And I found someone veeerry special.

[ROD objects while NICKY runs offstage to get RICKY]

NICKYRod? Rod? I want you to meet Ricky.

[He presents RICKY, who is entering. He looks just like Nicky except he is more buff and has on a wife-beater shirt. He speaks with a voice similar to Nicky's, but deeper]

RICKYHey there, Rod buddy. It sure is nice to meet you.

NICKYI think I know your type.

ROD

Sweet suffering Jesus! Nicky and Ricky. Oh, my cup runneth over. Well, lets go.

[EVERYBODY greets RICKY as ROD leads him, shouting with glee, into his apartment.]

GARYEverybody's dreams are coming true, and then there's Gary Coleman.

BRIANAw, come on Gary.

KATEYou've still got all of us.

GARYYeah, well since you two are leaving I better go put that damn FOR RENT sign back up...

KATEThe Monsterssori School. I don't even know where to start.

C.E.Do you know who get idea, and collect all the money, and buy building for you?

KATEWas it you?

C.E.No. It Princeton.

KATEPrinceton... for me?

PRINCETON

You said you couldn't make your dreams come true by yourself, so I shot for the stars.

YOU GOTTA GO AFTER THE THINGS YOU WANT

WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN YOUR PRIME...

KATE

THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE BETWEEN LOVE...

Thank you, Princeton.

PRINCETON

So will you take me back, Kate?

KATEI'll be so busy now with all the contractors and inspections and hiring teachers and choosing textbooks and

PRINCETON[Covering KATE's mouth with his hand] I could help you.

KATECan we take it one day at a time?

[PRINCETON and KATE kiss as NEW KID enters, singing]

NEW KID

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A B.A. IN ENGLISH?

Oh look, a For Rent sign! Oh my god, you're Gary Coleman!

GARYYes I am.

NEW KIDWell, say, can you tell me where I can reach the super?

GARYI am the super.

NEW KID

Woah. You're Gary Coleman, and you're the super?! [Laughs]

GARYAre you laughing at me?

NEW KID

No, no, no, sorry...

GARYNo, that's alright kid. That's why I'm here!

[flashes a cheesy smile at the audience]

NEW KID

Listen, I'd like to talk to you about the apartment for rent.

GARYSure, come on in.

PRINCETONWait a minute! Wait a minute, that's it!

KATE

What?

PRINCETONMy purpose. Look at this kid here, all fresh-faced and new and not knowing anything. He has no idea what he's in for. He thinks the hard part's over, but it's not. And maybe he needs a little help. And maybe my purpose is to take everything I'm learning, and put it in a show!

BRIANAre you high?

NEW KID

And I'm not some young kid who doesn't know anything. Fuck you!

[Gives PRINCETON the finger and exits]

PRINCETONWhy does everything have to be so hard?

GARYMaybe you'll never find your purpose.

C.E.Lots of people don't.

PRINCETONBut then I don't know why I'm even alive!

KATEWho does, really?

EV'RYONE'S A LITTLE BIT UNSATISFIED.

BRIANEV'RYONE GOES 'ROUND A LITTLE EMPTY INSIDE.

GARY

TAKE A BREATH, LOOK AROUND,

BRIANSWALLOW YOUR PRIDE,

KATE

FOR NOW...

KATE, BRIAN, GARY, C.E.

FOR NOW...

NICKY

NOTHING LASTS,

ROD

LIFE GOES ON,

NICKY

FULL OF SURPRISES.

ROD

YOU'LL BE FACED WITH PROBLEMS OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES.

C.E.

YOU'RE GOING TO TO HAVE TO MAKE A FEW COMPROMISES,

FOR NOW...

TREKKIE

FOR NOW...

ALL

BUT ONLY FOR NOW! (FOR NOW!)

ONLY FOR NOW! (FOR NOW!)

ONLY FOR NOW...

[LUCY enters]

LUCY

Hey everybody! I had to beat it from my yoga class to be here by the final number. Gosh, it's so faboo to see all you crazy kids!

KATELucy, is that you?

LUCY

A whole new me! That penny took out twenty percent of my brain... but it only took out the beanstalk. [Laughs]

[The BAD IDEA BEARS enter]

BEAR #2We've reformed out ways, too.

BEAR #1

We found scientology!

THE BEARSYay!

LUCY

FOR NOW WE'RE HEALTHY.

BRIAN

FOR NOW WE'RE EMPLOYE

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