My Dad

Authors Slide

My name is Kristin Martin and Im an Elementary Education major at UNCC. Along with going to school full time, I also work full time, have a 9-year-old son, a husband, 2 dogs and 2 lizards. My husband and I have been married for almost half of my life and I cant imagine my life any other way. After some careful consideration, I chose to write this project for my dad. My dad was diagnosed with Huntingtons disease in the late 90s and passed away 3 years ago. My dad and I had a rocky relationship and I never got the chance to reconcile my feelings towards him while he was alive. I loved my dad very much and I wanted to do this for him as well as myself. I wanted to face my feelings head-on and be able to let go of my anger and resentment. This project forced me to take a long, hard look at my life and Im happy to say I came through the other end with a newfound respect and love for my dad. This is for you, Dad.

Dads StatsDennis Conger9/16/45-3/15/10Hometown: Uncasville, CTMarried: 11/23/71 to Elaine Children: Kristin, Jeff, MeganSon-in-Law: Russell; Daughter-in-Law: NikkiGrandchildren: Benjamin, Allison, Ashley, A.JVietnam Veteran, NavyFavorites:Watching his children play sportsGetting together with family and friendsFishingNew England PatriotsUCONN Huskies basketballChicago White SoxBorn: Peru, IndianaLived in:Indiana, Idaho, California, Virginia, Connecticut

March 15, 2010I sat at the kitchen table willing the phone to ring. I had just made arrangements to fly to Connecticut to visit my family, specifically my grandmother; I knew this would be the last time I would see her alive. My grandmother, being the strong independent women she was, decided no more hospital trips and no more treatments. She was tired and she was done. Her doctor released her from the hospital and she wanted to go home so she could be comfortable in her last remaining days. I had been waiting for my mother to call me back so I could give her my flight information. Finally the phone rang. I have to admit I was a little impatient when I answered the phone; I thought I left you a message to call me over 2 hours ago, what took you so long? However, as soon as I heard my moms voice, I knew something was very wrong.My mother is a very strong person, so when she started crying as soon as I said hello, my stomach dropped. I dont think Ill ever forget her words, even though she was crying as she said them, I heard everything. Im following the ambulance to the hospital, your father, I found him unresponsive lying on the floor by the couch when I came home. I started CPR and Aunt Barbara called 9-1-1, I dont think hes going to make it. My mother and I work in healthcare so words such as unresponsive and CPR are everyday language, but they take on a new meaning when associated with a family member.There are times in my life when time has stood still and everything seems to be moving in slow motion, this was one of those times. My husband rushed over to me, knelt down and asked me what was wrong. I dont know how he knew something was wrong because I dont think I made a sound. I cant remember much about the next few hours because I was numb the whole time. I know I called my manager at work to let her know what happened and that I would need more time off. The funny thing is I had just cleared my work schedule for a few days so I could go and visit my grandmother. I also know I cancelled my flight and my husband made arrangements for someone to watch our two dogs. I will be forever grateful to my husband for everything he did that day.

March 15, 2010 (continued)The next time the phone rang it was my sister. She confirmed my mothers feelings that my dad had passed away and we cried together. I let her know that we would be there as soon as possible. Within three hours of the first phone call my family was in the car driving the thirteen hours to Connecticut. I dont remember much about the drive other than being on my phone most of the time. I spoke with my mother, sister, brother, and sister-in-law about nothing and everything. They had made all of the necessary phone calls and arrangements: wake, funeral, clothes he would wear, place to gather after the funeral, food, etc. by the time I arrived. My family is amazing. I think back and wonder if I was there would I have been able to make those decisions?My relationship with my father was complicated. My mom used to say we were too much alike to get along. I loved my dad very much but Im not sure if I liked him. My dad was diagnosed with Huntingtons disease long after he exhibited symptoms. At first, Huntingtons affected my fathers mood and behavior. Around the time he was 45 years old, he started to change. He had become mean and paranoid and he took his frustration out on my mother. Even though he never raised a hand to her, the emotional abuse was extreme. I was old enough to know what he was saying and I could see how it affected my mom. I moved out of my house when I was 18 years old and all I knew was that my father was mean.It wasnt until a few years after I moved out that my father was diagnosed with Huntingtons. This was the reason for his extreme moods and horrible behavior; however, all I knew and remembered were his actions. I was living in Arizona at the time of the diagnosis and I wasnt around enough to see the changes taking place. I like to think that if I was living in Connecticut the whole time, I would have understood that his behavior wasnt him but the disease. Over the next fifteen years the disease took its toll on my father and my family. His moods werent as extreme due to the medication he was taking but his physical abilities deteriorated. At the time of his death, my mom had started looking into nursing homes for him because he needed almost constant care. Despite the amount of care he needed, he wasnt at deaths door, or so we thought. My father had a heart attack on that day and because of his declining physical abilities I hadnt talked to him on the phone in a long time. I dont know the last time I said I love you to him directly and I think about that all of the time.

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,I must have started this letter at least a dozen different times. I guess I just didnt know what to say. I thought about complaining to you about the bad parts of my childhood or talking about how Huntingtons disease affected the family. In the end, I just want to say, Im sorry.I never got the chance to apologizefor all of the negative thoughts towards you I had growing up. Or for all of the times we argued. I know we used to fight, a lot, and mom always said it was because we were so much alike. I get that now. We both love our families, have strong opinions, and were always right (smile). I didnt give you a chance after we found out that you had Huntingtons disease. I couldnt see past your mood swings, frustration, anger, and worries. I only saw the effect the disease had on you, not just you. I want to apologize for that.I always thought I would have time to talk with you about my feelings or that I would overcome them on my own. I suppose I just wanted everything to be like it was before your episodes. I never thought you would die before I had a chance to say Im sorry. You werent supposed to die so soon. I think your death was easier on me, in some ways, than the rest of the family. We werent a part of each others daily lives because we live in different states. So, when you werent there, I didnt immediately notice. I still feel guilty for having those feelings.When I decided to do this project for you, I was hoping I would be able to face my feelings and come to terms with them. Ive got to tell you, Ive cried, laughed, gotten angry and realized a lot about myself. I can honestly say once I brought up all of the bad stuff, I was able to move past it. I now remember a lot of the good stuff and I realize that I miss you. I miss having a dad. I hate the fact that my son doesnt have his Grandpa anymore and I hate the fact that you wont get to know him as he gets older. I hate that I never got to tell you Im sorry.I love you,Kristin

Friday NightsGrowing up there was one thing I could always count on, Friday night pizza. Every Friday my parents would order pizza and we would sit around the table and eat and eat. We would have great conversations about what went on during the week and how everyone was doing. It was a tradition I looked forward to all week. I think that its important to have a family dinner tradition for several reasons. As a parent, you are spending time with your children and can learn so much about who they are just by talking. Also, you are showing your children that no matter how hectic the week has been, you will always have time for them. Finally, you build a bond that will last a lifetime.My parents always knew everything about me and my brother and sister. As I got older that could be very frustrating. It was also a great feeling. When we were eating dinner my parents would talk to us about anything and everything. They were interested in what we were doing, what are friends were doing, and how things were going. They could always tell when one of us was upset, happy or up to something. We never got away with anything because our parents could always tell. My parents got to know us by taking the time to talk to us. We held conversations while we were eating dinner and learned a lot about each other. Even if we werent able to eat together every night, we could always count on Fridays.

Friday Nights (continued)When I was younger, my parents always had time for me and my siblings. I didnt realize until I was older that they were purposefully making time to be with us. I didnt know anything about job commitments, housework, grocery shopping, and meal planning. All of the things that keep us busy during the week never interfered with our Friday night pizza. My parents always found time to be with us, especially Friday night. We always knew we were an important part of their life.Family dinners were an important aspect of my childhood. They helped to cement a bond between us that is still intact. Even though we dont see each other every day, week, or month, when we get together, family dinners play an important role. There are a lot more faces at our dinner table these days and it is still a time where we talk to each other and get reacquainted. We learn what everyone is doing and take time to catch up. We come together as a family and reinforce our bond. Our favorite family meal is still pizza.Growing up I could always count on my family. We fought, laughed, and cried during our dinner conversations. Friday night pizza was just one of the many traditions I experienced growing up. Family dinners are one of those things that are easy to incorporate into your daily or weekly schedule. Everyone has to eat and its a great time to sit down, put job and school worries away and get to know each other. Im forever grateful for the experiences I had growing up, especially when Im at my own dinner table and I ask my son, How was your day?, over Friday night pizza.

Five Things I Learned From My Dad

#5Give 100%

Always work and play hard, give 100% all of the time.

(Dad at Disney World)Five Things I Learned From My Dad

#4Fight for what you want

If you want something in life, you have to fight for it, no one will give it to you.

(My family)Five Things I Learned From My Dad

#3Love of sports

My dad loved to watch sports and was loyal to his teams, we loved to watch games as a family.

(Dad and Jeff sporting the UCONN and Patriots gear)Five Things I Learned From My Dad

#2How to treat my child

Unfortunately, I had more examples of what not to do, but I learned from those.

(Me and Benjamin)Five Things I Learned From My Dad#1Family is a priority

No matter what was going on in my dads life, he always had time for his children.

(Family)