authentic relationships for women - hutchcraft · 2019. 4. 5. · that describes a lot of our...

Authentic Relationships for Women By Ron Hutchcraft

The Missing Ingredient Are you are a first-born child? Maybe you had to put up with a first-born child while growing up or you are the parent of one. Our first-born is a girl. I remember when she was a girl and she walked out and said, “Daddy, I’m going to bake a cake!” First-borns usually don’t ask anything; they just announce what they are going to do.

Inwardly I said, “Well, that’s good news and bad news. The good news is she’s growing up and taking initiative. The bad news is I have to eat it.” I said, “Let me get Mom.” “No, I don’t need Mommy.” First-borns don't need Mommy's help. I wasn't sure what I would be sampling in about an hour. She went into the kitchen and I heard the clattering and the banging. I heard the refrigerator opening and closing, and then I started to smell some baking smells.

Finally, she came in, but she didn’t look very happy. I said, “What happened honey? Is the cake ready? I’d love to try it.” I did want to try what she had made. She said, “Are you sure? Okay.” She brought it in. I was expecting a cake, but I’d never seen a cake that big and flat. It didn’t look like a cake, but it tasted fine. She was so sad though, because first-borns have to do everything just right. Our poor little girl was so

Authentic Relationships for Women [4]

heartbroken. She wanted it to come out right, but it came out flat because she had one missing ingredient.

That describes a lot of our lives. We have most of the ingredients, and we want so much for things to come out right, but too often they come out flat. If there is a missing ingredient for life for men and women, it is authentic relationships. If there is an area where we are hurting, it is in the area of relationships. We have several different zones, and this one could be called the relationship zone of your life. The relationship zone is where we have our highest hopes and where we experience our greatest fears as well as our greatest pain. There has never been more confusion than there is today in the area of what love means and what relationships are all about. Solid relationships or lasting relationships are the missing ingredient.

Do you know who thought up relationships in the first place? It all goes back to the very beginning with the very first man. If you'll go back to where it all began, you’ll find out how everything was supposed to be and how it became what it isn’t supposed to be. Even though Adam had this beautiful life, this perfect world, and total authority over it, God knew there was something missing. The missing ingredient is found in Genesis 2:18 where it says, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” This was about more than just marriage and a man and woman. God created Eve, and I’m glad He did. Much more than that, God was saying, “It is not My intention that you be a disconnected person. It is not My intention that you ever be isolated and alone.” "It is not good for the man to be alone.” God is the designer of relationships. As we go along, we’re going to consult the world’s bestselling book - the Bible,


because, in its pages we find the Designer’s blueprint for relationships, and it may help us find out what we’re missing.

“48 Hours” on television covers many different topics. They actually devoted one entire program to the subject of loneliness. It was called "On Lonely Street" and it was about what it means to be in a relationship in America today. They called it an epidemic of loneliness. Here is a statement from that documentary: “The most lonely place in the world is the human heart.” In a very changing world, we need to go back to what relationships were created to be.

Here is what the Designer of love and relationships says about love. You would expect the best and most powerful description of what relationships and love are about to come from the Designer.

1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible says, “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to feed the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." I could boast about it, but if I don’t love others, I will be of no value whatsoever.

See if these words describe you in your relationships: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with


the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” Have you ever heard a better description of what love really is? This isn’t the steamy soap-opera stuff. That’s lust, not love. This is the real thing. This is Designer love.

Four Factors That Create Distance

There are reasons why there is distance in marriages and in friendships, between parents and children, between brothers and sisters, between co-workers, and between people in a church. If we’re willing to go after these distance factors and disarm them, we will be doing ourselves a great favor. We’ll be on our way to the love we’ve spent a lifetime wanting to have.

I will tell you right up front that the Biblical value system says that in human relationships, for the quality of the family and what’s going on in many relationships, the buck stops with the man. Men have a huge responsibility in all of these areas, but I’ll talk about this from the standpoint of how these work in a woman’s life.

Let’s go to the first distance factor.

#1 - A Mouth That Wounds

A mouth that wounds is one of the things that destroys closeness and love, and erodes relationships. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud" (1 Corinthians 13:4).

Did you have your wedding taped? Ours was the old reel-to-reel kind, but someone made it into a cassette for us. I love to listen to it. We get to listen to our vows


and everything; it’s very nice. Often on our anniversary we get it out to listen. The cake is gone, but that beautiful tape is still there.

If you talked about tapes to Richard Nixon while he was still alive, he would have said, “There are some tapes I don’t want to hear.” We all got to hear them and what was on them. There are tapes that are lovely tapes, wonderful tapes, or tapes that make you feel good, and there are tapes that you maybe weren’t even aware were being made. Those tapes could have a lot of damaging stuff on them.

In a sense, we each play a tape in our brain every day of the things that have been said to us by other people’s wounding mouth. You can’t lose those things, though they probably forgot they said them to you. It only took a moment for that word to get out, but you can’t get it off the tape. The scarier thing is that we’re putting stuff on each other's tapes. What’s going on the tapes of the people you love the most? A wounding mouth is putting wounding stuff on tapes that will play back even after you’re gone. It only takes a minute for it to come out, but the wounds, as we know from our own life, could be there for a lifetime.

Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Wow, that says it all! The tongue has the power to give life and death sentences to people, in the sense that some sentences you say make people feel more alive, encouraged, better about themselves, or important. Too many times we give death sentences that just kill people on the inside, and it kills the very love we wanted. A wounding mouth erodes and kills


love, and it kills closeness. Let’s talk about some examples of wounding words. Angry Words - Proverbs 12:18 says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword.” That's pretty strong, but isn’t that the truth? We tend to say reckless words when we’re angry and we say them most to the people we love the most. The rest of that verse in the Bible says, “…but the tongue of the wise gives healing.” You either have hurting words or healing words. A man was going on a one-day trip to speak somewhere. He took his briefcase, wore the suit he was going to speak in, and had all his stuff with him. He got on a plane and sat next to this lady who looked like something was wrong. He said, “Are you all right ma’am?” She said, “I’ve never flown before.” He sort of guessed that. It’s always exciting to fly next to the white-knuckle flyers who have never been on a plane. With every noise, they think they’re going to crash. Trying to help her, he said, “Ma’am, there’s the seat belt." "Good. Fine. OK.” Then they take off, and she hears the landing gear. She says, “What’s that?!” “That’s just the landing gear. It’s a good thing for the landing gear to go up; you should only worry if it doesn't.” They’re flying, and finally after a few minutes she says, “I’m feeling sick.” He said, “Well, ma’am, they have for you what they call a discomfort bag. Here it is, so if you’re uncomfortable, just put your lunch in there.” Well, someone has to explain it; the bag doesn’t. A couple minutes later she turns to him. She didn’t use the bag; she used him. He was wearing the


only suit he had with him, the one he had to speak in when he got off the plane! Do you know what she said? Her only sentence after that was, “Oh, I feel so much better now.” She leaves her mess with him, and she’s feeling better. We do that all the time verbally to people. In our anger, we dump our load on them and leave it all over them. You have just pushed them away and put another scar on your love for them. Critical Words - Some of us grew up around a critical person. You were never good enough and you could never do anything right. They always told you what was wrong with you; they never told you what was right with you. To this day you struggle with that. Guess what? Then, we do it to the next generation. You know when you say something to your child, and suddenly you realize, “I sound just like my mother!” You hated it when your parents were like that, but then later you become like them. They’ve done some social research, and they’ve found out that for every one negative input a person gets—a criticism or a putdown—they need seven positives to bring them back to zero. It's a 7 to 1 ratio to recover to zero. Is that the ratio in your house of positive to negative? Ephesians 4:29 in the Designer’s blueprint for life says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.” For the rest of their lives, people carry around the damage we do to them with our critical words.


Nagging Words - If a man finds that his wife is a nag and he wonders why she is, he should look in the mirror. He might be the reason. On the other side of the equation, when a woman feels like she’s not being heard, she talks louder, longer, and more often. If you push on someone all the time, you’ll push them away. It just doesn’t seem like louder, longer, and more often does anything but erode the relationship. Dr. Billy Graham and his wife, Ruth, received an award that only a couple hundred Americans have received in the history of our republic—a Congressional Medal of Honor. I appreciated something Ruth Graham said about their marriage and their life. She said, “It is my job to love Billy. It is God’s job to change him.” Some of us married someone and immediately started a home improvement business. “I’m going to fix this guy.” As a matter of fact, with anybody, if you try to fix them by nagging, you’ll push them away. Those are wounding words. They don’t feel safe when they’re nagged all the time. Backstabbing Words - The common sense wisdom of the Bible is incredible. Proverbs 16:28 says, “Gossip separates close friends.” Is that common sense or what? How many relationships have been destroyed by backstabbing words? There’s an interesting statement in Ephesians chapter 4 in the Designer’s blueprint for life and love. It says this: “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God.” What would make God cry? When we say destructive things to people, there tends to be anger, bitterness, and slander.


You make God cry when you let your mouth tear down someone He’s trying to build. He’s trying to build that child, that man, or that friend. There is no woman in the world who can be so beautiful that she can overcome the ugliness of a wounding mouth, and there is no beauty about a woman or a man with a wounding mouth. There is a very revealing statement from Jesus Christ in Matthew chapter 12. This is rich in insight, and again, God is so to the point. In Matthew 12:34 He says,“Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” Where do these angry and critical words come from? We don’t set out to hurt people with our mouths; we don’t mean to do it. All the nagging and backstabbing words come out of what’s in our heart. It turns out that this isn’t a mouth problem; it’s a heart problem. It’s interesting. He goes on to say, “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.” People will have to give account on the Day of Judgment for every careless word they have spoken. Guess who’s running the tape recorder? “For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you’ll be condemned.” Do you find that verse in the Bible to be a little scary? What do we do about the heart problem? Well, the mouth won’t change much until the heart does. What can you do about the wounding words? It's hard to go back and say to someone, “I was wrong.” The cost of your pride could be the love you need. Think what it would have meant to you. Would you be that person for


someone you’ve wounded and apologize for what’s happened? Listen to your own tapes, and determine that you want to focus on building and giving people life through your words. Speak words that will build them up and ask God to help you tame the monster your mouth can be sometimes. This was King David’s prayer in Psalm 141:3: “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.” Do you like what comes out of your mouth? One of the factors that creates distance, that is so endemic to all of us, is a mouth that wounds.

#2 - Love That Controls

The need to drive and control our relationships is part of what destroys love. The second distance factor is love that controls. A woman is often the guardian of relationships, and to whom relationships are supremely important. Women often remind the men in their lives that people are more important than tasks, dreams, accomplishments, and things. For a woman who cares supremely about relationships, it is so easy for her to become a controller and say, “I must drive this man. I must drive this son. I must drive this daughter. I must drive this friend.” You may try to drive people, but people don’t drive. 1 Corinthians 13, that great love chapter, says love "...does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking." Often love becomes something that is jealous, possessive, or smothering, and the smothering squeezes out love. Sometimes that control comes in the form of manipulation. Some of you lived with a manipulative person, and some of us have


become one. We find a way to get our own way, don’t we? The interesting thing about manipulation is, short term it usually works. Little by little, it is pushing away the other person and eroding a relationship. You can smother a child, you can smother a husband, and you can smother a friend with this kind of controlling love. Some of us are plain old control freaks; we will not let go of the wheel of that relationship. A wife of a youth worker was sitting on the front steps of the dormitory sobbing. Someone walked by and asked if something was wrong, though it was rather obvious. She said, “I’m no wife. I’m no wife at all.” They sat down on the front steps of that dorm and began to talk. She began to pour out her heart of how she felt she was totally failing her husband as a wife. She said, “He is the most wonderful man in the world, but I cannot submit to him. I can’t respect his decisions or his authority. In every area of our life there is a problem. I don’t know why, but I’m ruining him. I’m hurting him and I don’t want to.” As she was talking, she mentioned something about her mother. She said, “My mother always tried to control me. If I did something she didn’t like, she would just literally freeze me out. She would stop talking, shut down, and I could not get her to speak to me. A couple of times, I literally had to crawl to her.” Her mother was manipulating and she got her way. A hurting wife that afternoon was saying, “I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.” Controlling love had killed the love in her. Love that controls, destroys love. Why do some of us need to control the people we love? The Fear of Losing Them - Some of us have lost. Some of us, from things that happened to us early in our life,


have a fear of abandonment. We try to hang on because we‘re desperate to keep this relationship. Whether it’s a child, a friend, a spouse, whatever it is, I’m desperate to keep this person, so I try to control them. What’s the next step? I push them away and I literally crush them. The very thing I’m afraid of, I make happen by trying to control them. A Contingent Identity - A contingent identity means, “I don’t have an identity much of my own. I have to have you to have an identity.” Some couples are referred to affectionately by their friends as Ken and Barbie. Now, who is Ken without Barbie? Does Barbie know who Barbie is without Ken? If you have a contingent identity, you live your entire life in insecurity. You’ll never be secure because you don’t have an identity that’s inside you. It’s all tied to whether you have that other person, their approval, and their closeness. If they leave, die, or change, you have lost you, because you had to have them to have you. Maybe that’s why we control, because we’ve just got to have them, and we’ll lose them because we’ve got to have them. Does that make sense? We’re Trying To Fix the Past - Maybe you were a child of an alcoholic, and one thing you determined was, "My family is going to be perfect. I didn’t like the way I grew up. I’m going to do it right!" You’re driving everybody crazy trying to have the perfect family, so it doesn’t become like the one that caused so much pain in your life. In the process, you’re driving people away. A Basic Incompleteness About Us - Sometimes we just feel like our whole life we’ve been looking for our other


part. "My daughter, my husband, my son, or my friend can be the other part of me." Interestingly enough, we are incomplete people. If you feel incomplete, you ought to. You are right. Your feelings are right. If you don’t feel incomplete, you should, because we are. Here’s why we’re incomplete. Found in Colossians 1:16 is one of the most revealing sentences in all of the pages of the Bible, and it explains why we’re here on earth. It says, speaking of Jesus Christ, “All things were created by Him and for Him.” You don’t have to believe that, but you can’t change it, because that’s the way it is. We were created by Him for a relationship with Him, and that's why we’re lonely. We’re lonely for God and don’t even know it. Until we have that intimate personal God relationship, we’re incomplete and we try to control and make other people do what only God could do for us. We destroy love by trying to get it that way.

#3 - An Agenda That Competes

The third distance factor is an agenda that competes. Are women competitive? We think of men as trying to get to the top of the corporation, but these days women are competing right along with them. They compete on different fields as well as in all types of sports. The problem is, you can’t get close to someone if you’re trying to beat them. Competition doesn’t breed closeness; it breeds distance. You don’t see big football guys get out on the field and give each other big hugs before the game. Instead they check out the competition and they probably say nasty things about them in the locker room. It’s very hard to get close to someone you’re competing with.


Here are some ways that women might compete: In Appearance – When photo shoots of models are done, before they publish the photo, they use technology to edit the photo. The problem is that so many women compare themselves to women in magazines and say, “I don’t look like that.” The thing is, she doesn’t look like that! That woman doesn’t exist! It makes so many women feel lousy about themselves, especially since they often compare how they look with other women. In the Business World - Women may compete in the workplace, trying to climb the corporate ladder. They have bought the lie that’s destroyed men for the last 50 years thinking that they can find worth from competing. They compete by comparing salaries and thinking that someone has a better salary than they do. For Male Attention - Sometimes you wonder what gets into the minds of women with what they wear. Someone once said, “If you give a girl an inch, she’ll make a bathing suit out of it.” Many women think that tighter clothing is better. Better for who? Is that competition for male attention? For Attention of the Kids - Even within a family there is competition sometimes between a mom and dad as to who the kids will like. Many times they don’t get the discipline and the boundaries they need, because we want to be the parent they like. It’s competitiveness for the attention of our own children.


Competing really destroys relationships. We try to use whatever we have going for us to "win." You can’t get close to people that you’re trying to beat. The bad thing about it is, you’re never secure, because there’s always someone coming up on you. There's always someone better looking, and always someone whose kid did a little better than yours. You never win. You are a slave to always having something to prove.

It’s refreshing when you meet a woman who thinks being together is more important than being first. You don’t feel threatened by her; she moves among other women and makes them feel important. Now that’s a quality woman. People feel good when they're around her.

Have you ever compared sea gulls and geese? Sea gulls are beautiful; they look like they’re posing for the camera. Have you ever watched them when they’re together? They’re a mess! Once, I saw some sea gulls notice a potato chip out on a rock. One sea gull landed to get it and three other sea gulls attacked him! One sea gull came in and was like, “I am number one.” That lasted for about ten seconds. Then another one came and he knocked him off. He was there for ten seconds and another one came and knocked him off. He had something they didn’t have. There are a lot of us two-legged sea gulls walking around – all looking out for number one.

Canadian geese are terrific! Scientists say that Canadian geese rotate the front of their “V” flying formation, which is the hard place because they’re headed right into the wind. They rotate about every 20-30 minutes, so they share the load. They put the weaker and older


ones in the back so they’re protected. When one of them has to stay behind because they’re injured in any way, at least one other will stay with him. A Canadian goose will never be left alone. Scientists even think that geese actually “cheer” for each other. If you’ll listen real close, you’ll hear it. “Honk! You can make it. Honk! Florida or bust!” They are really cheerleading for each other. Scientists even say that they believe Canadian geese fly up to 71% farther together, than they could ever fly alone.

Are you a sea gull, or are you one of those Canadian geese? Do you need to be out in front with everybody looking, or are you one of those geese saying, “Let’s fly together. Come on, we’re not competing. I don’t have to beat you; I have nothing to prove. Come on.” That kind of woman is a breath of fresh air in a competitive world, because she’s not there to beat you. She’s there to include you and take you along.

#4 - Baggage That Poisons

The last distance factor is baggage that poisons. In North Carolina, there is an amusement park called Caro Winds, and they have a roller coaster called Thunder Road. Half of the roller coaster is in North Carolina, and then it takes you into South Carolina. There are two lines; you have to make a choice when you get to the entrance. One says "Forward" and the other one says "Backward." You have the option of riding forwards or backwards on the roller coaster.

If you are riding backwards, you look back at the ground you’ve already covered. It is always a bumpy ride in life, when you’re spending a lot of time looking backward at


the pain and the baggage of the past. It’s not a nice view, and it’s a very rough ride. It breeds anger, bitterness, self-pity, and a hard heart.

1 Corinthians 13, the “love” chapter, says love "keeps no record of wrongs.” Love doesn’t keep looking back at the hurt of the past. It could very well be that the pain of your past has pursued you for a long time, and the pain is very real. For some of us, that was abandonment, betrayal, abuse, betrayal of trust, or rejection. The problem is that we dwell on the pain so much that we now inflict it on other people. We carry it into their lives and spill it all over them. It’s damaging love. Your title on your business card is “Victim.” "I was hurt and I am a victim." It poisons love. The baggage is real; and you need to figure out what to do with it, because it drives people away when you keep looking backward.

There are some ways to get past the pain: Forgiving - It's not denying the pain that was done to you, excusing that person, or declaring them not guilty, because the pain and hurt is real. Ephesians 4:32 tells us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” We didn’t deserve His forgiveness. This is not based on the fact that a person deserves it. In fact, do you know what the problem is with bitterness? You don’t hold a grudge; a grudge holds you. Bitterness is the longest chain in the world, because it chains you to the very person you’re bitter toward. You can’t stop thinking of them; you are chained to the person you can’t forgive.


Maybe that’s why Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Do you need the grace of God for what you’re handling right now? You probably do. Don't miss God’s grace. There has to be a release of that hurt through forgiving. There is healing inside that takes place when you forgive. You will not be able to get out of the car that looks backwards until you release that person through forgiveness, and decide that all that has happened in that relationship is “volume one.” Put “volume one” on the shelf never to be taken down again. This is the first day of “volume two.” Decide not to base your future with that person on the past. Sun-downing - Ephesians 4:26 in the Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Don’t let things build up. You should not go to bed when you have any bitterness or a problem with someone else. Do you know how many marriages could have been saved if there hadn’t been all that accumulated garbage? It’s the avalanche that kills a relationship. At one time, it was just a snowball, and all those snowballs became an avalanche. Sun-downing means "I take care of it by sundown," or roughly before you go to sleep. Recycling - It’s kind of a nuisance, but it’s a great idea. Do you know what it says on the back of a recycling truck? It says, “Give your trash a second chance.” Isn’t that a nice way to put it? They take that stuff and they make something useful out of it. God could do that with the garbage of your life. He wants to give your trash a second chance. If you would be willing to bring Him all


the pain, He would like to turn it into compassion and sensitivity. Then, you could become a hero in a broken world, because of what you’ve experienced. If you hang onto it, it will turn into bitterness and a hard, hard heart. It's your choice. Do you want to be a pain repeater, or do you want to be a pain reliever? You can keep revisiting it and reading the same old chapter again, or you can be a pain reliever of other people’s pain, because you know how it hurts. You can become an instrument of healing in so many people’s lives if you’d let it become compassion instead of bitterness. As ugly as it was, it could be recycled into something beautiful, because there are a lot of folks that have been through that same pain. They need you, but you can’t help them as long as there’s bitterness there. Get healed - You say, “How am I going to do that?” Isaiah 61:1 says, “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted." Jesus doesn’t just heal leprosy and blindness; He heals broken hearts. In a lonely, hurting world, the best thing to do is open up your life to Jesus Christ, because He is the healer of broken hearts. He knows, because He had one when He came here for us. Ultimately, so much of the distance we allow and create between us is because of the disease of "me." It’s really self-focus and thinking a lot about ourselves. At some point, we need a new heart. If God was a doctor, He’d be a heart specialist. Ezekiel 36:26 says, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” The years of hardness


have hurt the corners of your heart, but God can put a new spirit in you. God says, “If you open up your life to Me, I'll give you a new heart, because I can make you someone you never knew you could be—ready to give and then receive love as you’ve never experienced before.”

Developing the Glue Factors

There are some factors that create distance between people, and there are things that glue people together. We began with disarming some of those distance factors that may be costing us the very love we’re trying to get. Now, let’s discuss the glue factors so we can create closeness in our relationships again.

#1 - A Heart That Listens

Listening is a building block for any close relationship. The problem is that this is an un-listening world. Have you ever lost your train of thought in the middle of a sentence? You go, “Oh, what was I saying?” Have you ever watched the other person? They have no idea what you were saying. You could count on one hand the number of times anyone knew what you were saying. Nobody listens. We pay counselors chunks of money to listen to us. I think that’s really what we’re paying for because people go even after their problem is solved. The counselor doesn’t talk much; he/she listens.

One of the most disobeyed sentences in the Bible is found in James 1:19: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” What does listening have to do with love? Without listening there is no understanding of the other person, and there is no love


without understanding. Lasting and quality relationships depend on whether you understand the other person, and if you have been listening to each other. It’s hard to talk into an open mouth. Sometimes as soon as you talk, they jump in.

Imagine that you walk into the doctor’s office and you’re ready to tell him about all your aches and pains, but he just says, “Penicillin.” “Wait, doctor, I didn’t tell you what’s wrong with me yet.” He goes for the needle and says, “Yep, penicillin!” Are you going to trust or listen to this guy? He is giving you the answer before you could even tell him your symptoms.

We do that all the time in our talking and communicating. Our kids come in and we say, “Penicillin! I know the answer.” You haven’t even heard what’s really going on. One of the first things they teach you in Counseling 101 is that people first come to you with the presenting problem that isn’t even the problem; that’s just where they’re starting. If you jump on that, you’ll never understand the person you’re trying to get close to. That’s part of why we don’t get close; we don’t listen.

If you want people to talk to you more, be careful with what you do when they do talk to you. Do you later use it against them? Do they hear you telling other people? Do you talk to your friends about what they say? Do you jump on it? Is it later ammunition for nagging? Love and listening go together. Understand the person so you really know who you’re dealing with. That’s how you make that person feel important.


Vince Lombardi, a legendary football coach, was the coach of the Green Bay Packers back in the 60’s. Willie Davis played defensive end on the three-time world champion Green Bay Packers. When Vince was dying in a hospital in New York City, Willie Davis, his former player, flew all the way across the country to see him. He got out of the taxi cab, and people said, “Hey, Willie, what are you here for?” He didn’t want to talk to any reporters. He went up and spent 20 minutes with the coach, then came back out to get in the cab to go back home. A reporter stuck a microphone in his face and said, “Why did you come all this way?” He turned and he just gave a one-sentence answer before he ducked into the taxi cab. He pointed up to Vince Lombardi’s window and said, “That man made me feel important.”

When people are with you, do they felt important? We’re talking about listening here. We’re not talking about some passive process where it’s just the absence of talking. You could be reading the newspaper or you could be pre-occupied with something else. That doesn’t mean you’re listening. No, listening is an active process. You’re not looking somewhere else, you’re not waving, and you’re not checking your watch. When they’re with you, they feel like there’s no one else on earth. Do your kids have that feeling?

You can’t always drop everything right that minute. If you can’t, you can say, “Listen, can you give me half an hour? This deserves 100% of me, and I can only give you about 30% right now. I want to give you 100% if you can wait.” Some things can’t wait, but most things can. If you can’t listen now, tell them when you can. A heart that listens is foundational to close relationships,


because it is listening that gives understanding, and it’s listening that makes them feel important.

One way you can tell someone’s really listening is they ask the second question. Think of how many times you have asked, “How are you doing?” or “How’s it going?” and they said, “Fine.” All you have to do is respond to that by saying, “Really?” The whole conversation changes with that one word question. If you ask the second and third question, they will know you’re listening. That’s what bonds people, because listening creates understanding and conveys importance. That’s quality relationships—being slow to speak and quick to listen.

#2 - A Love That Is Felt

It would probably be an insult if you were asked if you love your husband, your child, or your friends. The question is this: “Do they feel loved?” It might be that you’re loving some people in your world, but not in their language. You say, “Well, I do all this stuff for them! Sacrifice! They must know I love them.” Maybe it’s not their language. You say, “Well, I’m loving them.” They don’t feel the love if it’s not in their language. There has to be love that they feel. Your husband may have one language of love, one child may have some things that make them feel loved, and another child will have other things that make them feel loved. They all speak different languages.

There are some universal characteristics of love that can be felt.


Love That Is There. You simply have to be with them because the way people spell love is T.I.M.E, and there is no substitute for that. Certainly some have made the mistake of spending too much time with a career, or maybe they’ve been real active in religious or ministry work. There was some vehicle for their own fulfillment or for their own service, and the problem is that the brakes failed. Maybe they got too involved in that, and not involved enough with the people who only have one life and one mommy. No one can replace you there. Check and see if they feel loved, and find every creative way you can to spend time with them. Every one of those is a golden moment. If you're going to the gas station, or grocery store, scoop someone up and take them with you. Do whatever you possibly can to convey to them, “I like time with you.” Love is spelled T.I.M.E. Don't let damage be done to your family. Love That Is Expressed. You have to express your love. Some families sort of run on the basis of, “I love you till further notice.” “I told you ‘I love you’ ten years ago!” I love you till further notice doesn’t work; it doesn’t cut it. They need to know today; every new day we’ve got to express it. Tell them frequently, “I love you.” You can’t say those words, touch them, or do the little things often enough. How you treat them in public is what makes them feel loved, and how you treat the people that are important to them is critical. You might not approve of all the people that are important to them, but you will have the greatest bargaining power by treating their associates well. Treat your kids' friends well, and you will have the maximum position to talk to


them about their friends. If you just ignore them, you’re hurting them. That’s their language of love. "If you love me, love my friends." For a man, it’s important for him to come into an environment where he feels emotionally safe after the battles of the day. A lot of times what makes a man feel safe is if he isn’t piled on as soon as he walks in the door. He goes, “Oh no! Here comes someone else on top of the pile.” He needs some space. You can’t let things build up, but your timing is important. Don't pile on the pack right after everyone else has tackled him all day. Look at their language of love. There are a lot of ways to express love: by providing a safe environment, by telling, by touching, and by expressing the language of little things. Love that is felt is expressed; it’s there. Love That Is Unconditional. When someone you care about is the most unlovable, they need your love the most. When you least feel like loving them and you want to fix them, it's hard not to want to shape them up or ship them out. Maybe they’ve hurt you, embarrassed you, or made a stupid choice. That is probably your greatest opportunity to let them know that they are loved. The moments when it’s the hardest to love them are your greatest opportunities to let them know they are loved. Everyone loves you when you’re doing well. You see, love is not a reward for performance. "If you do well, I will give you love." It’s not, “I love you if…” or “I love you because…” It’s, “I love you. There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and there’s


nothing you can do to make me love you less. I’ve made up my mind. I love you. It’s not always a feeling, but it’s always a choice. I choose to love you."

#3 - A Life That Serves

The third glue factor in quality relationships is a life that serves. When our kids were growing up and they were headed off for school, my wife would give them intelligent advice like, “Don’t forget your books," "Don’t get in trouble," and "Smile at the Principal.” I would only give them two words of advice as they’d leave. I’d yell “Go MAD!” out the back door. The next door neighbor’s like, “Go away! What is wrong with you? You want your kids to be insane?” The kids knew what it meant. I wasn’t afraid to tell them “Go MAD” because they knew what M.A.D. means. It means “make a difference.” Every day they’d leave for school, I'd remind them to go make a difference! God didn’t put you on earth primarily to make money, make friends, make a team, make grades, or make an impression. He put you here to make a difference. Are you? That’s the measure of the worth of your life. What kind of difference are you making? The kind of life that really experiences quality relationships is not one who is pursuing love, but one who is giving love. The Bible says in Proverbs 11:25, “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” In the words of Jesus Christ found in Matthew 16:25, "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it.” Isn’t that interesting? When you become an “others” person instead of a


“me” person, love starts to flood into your life, because in giving it, you get it. When Alexandra was 80 years old, she said, “You know, for 60 years I was guarded, taken care of, and protected by this man that was my husband. These last few months since he’s died, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and not really knowing who I am. Do you know what I finally woke up and realized? I’ve got all kinds of lonely people all around me in this housing complex I live in. I know how to bake cookies. I know how to send birthday cards. I know how to write encouragement notes. I know how to send get-well cards. I know how to go in and listen to someone. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going back there, and I’m going to make a difference. Now, my mother lived to be 88. The way I figure it, I’ve got 8 years at least to really begin to make a difference with my life.” You’re never too old and you’re never too young to wake up. If we begin to look around and see if we could be a “need meet-er” instead of living to have our needs met, somehow our needs get met in the process of meeting the needs of others. We live in the most self-focused time in the history of this country. If you become an “others” person, you are a radiant, bright light. You’re not competing with people; they’re not someone to beat, use, or manipulate. They are someone to help heal and someone to serve. Mother Teresa worked among the least of the least, and the awful, unimaginable poverty and disease of Calcutta. Someone wrote to her and said, “Dear Mother Teresa, could you please tell me how to make a


difference with my life like you have?” She wrote back a four-word answer, “Find your own Calcutta.” That’s a great way for your life that was small to suddenly open up to become a lot bigger. It is truly love—a giving thing, not a taking thing. There are a lot of beautiful shells on the beach, so a lot of times visitors just pass by the broken ones. Actually, there is beauty in the broken ones. The whole intricate inside is a kind of architecture and there are colors on the inside that you would never see if the shell was whole. Jesus is drawn to those that are broken. His whole life, He was pulled to the broken ones. He saw some beauty there that could become something. Those who know and love this Jesus will become people who are attracted—not to the people who can make you rich, important, or anything—but to those who are broken, who have been waiting for someone to come along and pick them up. Maybe it will be you. That kind of an attitude toward your husband, your children, or your friends is glue for a lifetime relationship. “I’m serving you…not me.” That’s hard not to love.

#4 - An Identity That's Secure

The last glue factor is probably fundamental to almost everything—an identity that’s secure. If you know who you are, and you don’t need to take from other people, stand on other people, or get them to always be maintaining you, then you really are going to be in the center of some incredible relationships. You’re free to give in a taking world because you know who you are. You don't need to take from anyone, and you have nothing to hide, prove, or lose. What a great way to live! That’s a free person.


The problem is that most of us get our value extrinsically. In other words, our worth depends on something outside of us. Our whole world is set up that way, so I’m worth more if I am a vice-president instead of a manager. If I’m a president, then I’m worth more than a vice-president. If I make $50,000 a year, I’m not worth as much as someone who makes $100,000 a year. If I get A’s, I’m worth more than if I get C’s and B’s. Right? Wrong. Those things were never meant to be the basis of our worth. The world has lied to us. A lot of us are walking around without a secure identity. We’ve never been able to settle who we are and what we’re worth. We’re walking around saying, “Please let me know I’m worth something. Would you stamp my ticket? Please validate my ticket. Please validate me.” We need everyone to validate us so we can prop up the "me" we don't really know. There’s an enlightening story in the Bible that is a great love story depending on whose viewpoint you look at. In the book of Genesis, there’s a man named Jacob who falls in love with a beautiful woman. The Bible describes her beauty, and apparently she was really a “10.” Jacob says, “I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel” (Genesis 29:18). What a love story! He worked seven years for Laban so he could marry his daughter. The custom in the ancient Jewish ceremonies is that you don’t see your bride until you go in for the honeymoon. Rachel had a sister, Leah, who was probably pretty, but not beautiful. Who do you think Jacob found out he had


just married under all those veils? He got the other sister - Leah. He had to work seven more years to get the one he really loved. Then he had two wives. How do you think Leah felt? It’s a great love story if you’re Jacob…sort of. If you’re Rachel, it’s very endearing. How about if you’re Leah…the other wife? Let me tell you about Leah. It says in Genesis 29:31-35, "When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, He opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, 'It is because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.' She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, 'Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, He gave me this one, too.' So she named him Simeon. Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, 'Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.' So he was named Levi. She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, 'This time I will praise the Lord.' So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children." Do you know what I think happened to Leah? Leah said, “A man will do it for me. If I could just get this man to love me and meet my needs, I’ll know who I am.” I will suggest to you that even if Jacob had, she still wouldn’t have found her identity totally there, because she said, “I know where I need to look for identity. I’m finally deciding it is the Lord that has the identity I’ve needed all along." Leah found home base finally, and it wasn't a man. It’s not a human relationship; it is the One who


gave you your life in the first place. That’s home base for you. That’s where our identity comes from. You might try to get your card punched by the company, the boss, your husband, your children, or someone your whole life. What really gives you worth and makes you then able to give and love and be in the center of incredible relationships, is someone who has intrinsic worth—worth that even if all these people leave me, I still have. If someone divorces me, I’m not worth any less. If someone rejects me, abandons me, or abuses me, I’m not worth any less, because it doesn’t depend on them. It’s intrinsic worth. Every human being will be in a futile search for personal peace and personal worth until they find it where we’re supposed to get it—from the One who designed you in the first place. That’s designer love. Ephesians 2:10 says, “We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” You are a priceless masterpiece—God’s workmanship. Do you know when you got your worth? It wasn't from being smart, sexy, beautiful, successful, or rich. You got your worth from the time that egg and sperm came together to begin you. It was invested in you by the Creator. No one on earth gave it to you, and no one on earth can take it away from you. It is in that Creator relationship that we find out who we are. God’s Word says, “All things were created by Him and for Him” (Colossians 1:16). Maybe you would say, “Well, I haven’t been treated like a masterpiece.” All those people who hurt you, rejected you, or ignored you, didn’t know who you are. Your Creator says, “She


is my workmanship.” When you have that, you have built-in worth that doesn’t require the approval or the strokes of anyone else. Whatever people give you is just a bonus. We were built for an eternal relationship with an eternal Heavenly Father. The problem is, a lot of us have been walking around all these years with a hole in our heart, wondering who goes there. It turns out it’s the person who made us in the first place. We are made for a God-relationship, created by Him and for Him. At the core of great relationships is someone who knows how much they’re worth and who knows how much other people are worth and treats them that way. You will never know how much you’re worth until you know the One who loves you the most. Without Him, it is a lifetime search for love in all the wrong places, from people who could never fill the hole in your heart anyway, because it’s God-sized. You can tell how much something is worth to someone by how much they are willing to spend on it.

The Ultimate Sacrifice Let’s find out how much God was willing to spend on you. He is the One who knows all about you—the good, the bad, the ugly, and all the tapes of all the years. The Bible says in 1 John 4:10, “This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” What’s that all about?


The problem is that rather than living for Him, as we were designed, we’ve lived for "me." We didn’t do it His way; we’ve done it our way. The Bible has a word for that—sin. Notice the middle letter in that word - “I”. Basically, I have run my life instead of God running it. Do you know what’s so awful about that? Not only does that cost me His love, His peace, and His relationship, but ultimately if I die with that wall there, it is the beginning of an eternal death penalty. The Bible says in Romans, “The wages of sin is death.” In other words, you and I did the sinning. Guess who did the dying? God’s One and only Son. You’ve never been loved by anyone like this. This is the ultimate love. Jesus died so we can have the relationship we were designed for. The Bible says in Isaiah 59:2, “Your iniquities have separated you from your God.” Do you feel sometimes like there’s a wall between you and your Creator? Jesus came to bust that wall down, to remove the death penalty that we deserve. All so we can trade in the death sentence that we deserve for the heaven we could never deserve. Then we trade in chronic loneliness for unloseable love. With nails in His hands and His feet, and a spear wound in His side, the only son of God was saying, “Turn all of the fury on Me. I love them.” When He said, “Father, forgive them” from that cross, He wanted to include you. All of the sin, the memories, and the tapes of our garbage could now be erased from His Book, and forgiven. A relationship you were made for and have been looking for your whole life, becomes yours at that moment. The ultimate symbol of love is not a heart, a valentine, or a ring. The ultimate symbol of love is an


ugly, blood-stained cross on which God’s Son, Jesus, took your death penalty. That’s what you’re worth to Him. Have you ever begun a personal relationship with the One who died for you? If you have a personal relationship with Him, you know you do. If you’re married, there was a day that you went into a church not married and came out married. There was a process that led up to that, and there was a process that resulted from it. It was a conscious commitment. If you’ve done that with Jesus Christ, you know you have. It is not about being a good person or going to church. If you haven’t begun a personal relationship with Him, the hole in your heart will remain until you do. One of the most famous verses in all the Bible, John 3:16, says, “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” To believe in Him means to grab Him like He is your only hope and put your total trust in Him to rescue you. That’s when you get the relationship. That means that you say to Jesus, “I’m putting my total trust in what You’re doing. My only hope of having a relationship with God, of ever having all of my sins and failures erased from God’s Book, and of ever going to heaven the day I die, is You. I’m putting my total trust in You like a drowning person would grab a lifeguard. You’re my only hope.” If you’ve never chosen that, you can begin that ultimate relationship now. He’s made His move, now it's your


turn. Maybe you’ve heard the verse in the Bible where Jesus said, “I stand at the door and knock” (Revelation 3:20). You must open the door. That day for you could be today, and the relationship you were made for with the One who loves you most could begin now. You may very well be religious and have great respect for Jesus Christ, but you’ve never made a personal commitment to Him. You've never said to Him, “Jesus, I want to belong to You. My only hope of having my sins forgiven, my life changed, the hole in my heart filled, and heaven someday is You. I need a Savior. I’m here. I’m opening the door. Come on in." You don't have to be in a church to talk with God. You could be out in a park, out on the beach, or anywhere. You can open the door. There are no magic words or a learned, memorized prayer. In your own words you can say to Jesus, "I want to open my heart to You. I want to pin all my hopes on You, beginning today, to be my personal Savior…not just the Savior, but my personal Savior.” God wants to bind up the broken-hearted. Once you begin a personal relationship with Jesus, you'll know how much you’re worth because you will belong to the One who loves you most! When you know the One who loves you the most, you can be on your way to the love you’ve spent a lifetime wanting to have. With the help of the Designer of love and relationships, you can have closeness in your relationships again and authentic relationships that will last a lifetime!


Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. The "NIV" and "New International Version" trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica. Use of either trademark requires the permission of Biblica.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. © 2011 Ronald P. Hutchcraft-Distributed by Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, Inc.-www.Hutchcraft.com "Bringing Back the Gospel: Uncut, U nencumbered, Uncompromised" by Ronald P. Hutchcraft is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. You are free to share, copy, and distribute this work to others. You may not use this work for commercial purposes. You may not alter, transform, or build upon this work. To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/us/.

To contact Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, visit www.Hutchcraft.com or call (870) 741-3300. To find out how you can begin a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, please visit www.YoursForLife.net or call 1-888-966-7325. Online Resources We invite you to browse through our online store at http://www.Hutchcraft.com/store where you will find resources to encourage you in your personal relationship with Jesus Christ, as well as resources to help you encourage others who do not know Him. You will find books, audio CDs, DVDs, downloadable resources, and other resources that provide answers to today’s real life issues. Download this free e-book at: http://www.hutchcraft.com/store/free-e-books

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