ASTROGNOME!

EPISODE ONE: CALL OF THE RAZORBEAST

by

Michael Hill

teamastrognome.wordpress.com

1

PROLOGUE - TELEVISION COMMERCIALS – P.O.V. OF DAVIS

There is a black screen for a second.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Brought to you by-

Powerful, yet benevolent music plays. A sleek, industrial-age logo

appears on screen. The form suggests an orb of strength and protection,

like two powerful, muscled arms joining together in a cradling position.

The circular shape incorporates the letters G and C.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Giantcore...For over six ages,

showing you what you need, giving

you what you want...Giantcore...

Trust in our strength.

DAVIS (O.S.)

Pause, Napoleon.

The image of the gleaming logo freezes.

DAVIS (O.S.)

Increase glow Eleven percent.

The ambient light radiating from behind the logo slightly increases.

DAVIS (O.S)

Proceed.

The logo is animated again.

Analysis, Napoleon.

NAPOLEON (O.S.)

(In a somewhat artificial,

yet pleasant tone.)

Confidence...Power...Control.

2

DAVIS (O.S.)

(sighs a little)

Yes, a subtle reminder to us

all. Proceed to next advertisement,

Napoleon.

A doctor in a white lab coat is standing in front of a sterile white

back-drop, looking toward the camera.

DOCTOR

Are your genes stretching a

little thin?

Cut to an interview-style shot of an attractive, twenty-five-year-old

woman in stylish clothes and make-up. A graphic on the bottom of the

screen identifies her as "Cynthia: Looks old."

CYNTHIA

Sometimes...I'll be out with

my daughter...And I can tell,

strangers just look at me and

know...that I'm her mother.

It's embarrassing.

Cut to a black-and-white shot of Cynthia and a teenage girl, about

seventeen-years-old. The two are dressed in similar Barbie-style fashion.

They are having a friendly run-in with someone on the side-walk.

The 'mother' looks awkward and insecure.

Cut back to the doctor addressing the viewer.

DOCTOR

Don't worry anymore, Cynthia.

Cynthia pops into a little box in the bottom right-hand corner of the

doctor's frame. She is looking up at him as if she can see him. She's

listening, interested.

3

DOCTOR

You're absolutely right. If

you're not completely satisfied

with your body, then something is

wrong. You deserve better, and

that's why we at La Patisserie

Medical are so excited. New

advances in gene-therapy have

revolutionized the field. Isn't

that right...Cynthia?

Cynthia in the box disappears. Two smiling teenage girls step onto

screen.

DOCTOR

Whoa howdy, Cynthia--you look

fantastic!

CYNTHIA

Like myself!

DOCTOR

And this fine young lady must

be your daughter?

(motions toward 2nd Girl)

2ND GIRL

(in a voice and accent like

the really old woman on the

show „Golden-Girls‟)

I'm huh muthah!

DOCTOR

(to camera)

Uh oh, guys, get a load of Grandma!

4

DAVIS (O.S.)

Pause, Napoleon.

The figures on screen freeze.

DAVIS (V.O.)

Enhance voice: Mother.

Sixty-five percent sex appeal,

thirty-percent seduction. Apply

mood-template ninety-one: Easy

and Willing.

The frame jumps back a few seconds and plays.

2ND GIRL

(sexy, girlish voice)

I'm her mother...

DOCTOR

(to camera)

Uh oh, guys, get a load of Grandma!

Would you like to learn more? Just

look into the Holotron and say the

words "Lets get real" and my team

of cosmetic specialists will instantly

appear at your door. Order your

treatment within the next ten seconds

and we'll change your cat into a dog,

absolutely free!

A nearly solid block of fine legalese appears on the screen, with no

paragraph breaks, spaces or margins. The print is so tiny, it seems more

like a lens-filter than communication.

DAVIS (O.S.)

It will do, Napoleon. Next ad.

Energetic banjo music plays. A montage of people at a county-fair-type

event begins.

We hear a slight groan from Davis.

5

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

(enthusiastic, folksy

tone)

This Friday through Sunday-

Come on down to the Dresdon

Sector Fair! See the birth of

A real-live Dune-Ape!

The Dune-Apes are stocky humanoids, draped in ragged cloths, much like the

Sand People of Star-Wars. A male Dune-Ape is holding the hand of a female

as she suffers a birthing-contraction. She is laying on some scattered

straw, with her head propped-up against a small, square bale. They are in

an eight-by-eight-foot paneled enclosure. Parents and Grandparents are

meandering by, holding their gawking children by the hand.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Youth Organ Farming competition!

Cut to a ten-year-old boy, proudly clutching a giant, engorged human

liver, the size of a small beach-ball. It pulses slightly. A Blue Ribbon

is pinned on.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And did we mention the rides?

Experience death itself, come

back different! On the „Flat-Line

Express!‟

Cut to a woman laying unconscious on a medical table with an IV in her

arm. There is a heart-monitor beside her. An oily carnie is observing

the monitor, with one hand on a big lever, similar to the throw-switch of

a roller coaster. A line of people stands waiting.

The commercial is interrupted by a somewhat disgusted Davis.

DAVIS (O.S.)

Good enough. Next ad,

please, Napoleon.

6

A silver-haired, handsome man in a nice suit is sitting in a comfy

business lounge-chair, leaning forward attentively with his hands folded.

He seems to be about sixty years old.

Somewhat seriously, he addresses the camera.

PITCH-MAN

Are you stuck in a rut?

...Tired of compromising

everything?

DAVIS (O.S.)

Napoleon, pause. Identify

product.

NAPOLEON (O.S.)

Product: Unknown.

DAVIS (O.S.)

Hmm? Proceed.

PITCH-MAN

--Relentlessly exploiting the

weaknesses of others? Well,

I have good news.

DAVIS (O.S.)

Napoleon, pause.

PITCH-MAN

There is more to life than

brain-washing children for

Giantcore.

DAVIS (O.S.)

I said pause, Napoloeon.

7

PITCH-MAN

Davis, don't you think?

You're the highest-paid

Astrognome in the galaxy.

You've paved the way for

all of us--really shown

what a slave is-

DAVIS (O.S.)

I am not a slave!

PITCH-MAN

I was going to say "-what

a slave is capable of,” but

you're right, Davis--it's

my mistake. You're just an

Astrognome. You really

aren't built for freedom,

are you?

DAVIS (O.S.)

Delete this nonsense immediately,

Napoleon!

PITCH-MAN

Why, when it comes right down

to it, you're just a big wrench

in someone else's tool-box.

DAVIS (O.S.)

Quiet!

8

PITCH-MAN

Mums the word, my boy. You

already know what you need

to do...if you want that big

promotion you've been dreaming

about.

(starts to laugh)

If you got the guts!

The Pitch Man's laugh gets deeper and deeper. Slowly, his head and body

start to swell like a balloon being inflated. His mouth gets larger and

larger. He is growing into a bloated giant.

Finally, as his laugh becomes monstrously deep, his mouth has expanded to

swallow the entire frame. Then the laugh starts to morph into a hideous

howling sound, almost pain, and a hint of glowing red eyes fade into view

from the depths of stifling blackness.

Davis is startled awake from the nightmare. His forehead is wet with

sweat. He is in a slate-grey, deluxe work-chair, with an ergonomic head-

rest. In front of him is a work-station with several screens queued up to

various advertising media.

His clothing appears professional, yet comfortable. He is slender, pale-

skinned and about thirty-years-old.

Davis takes a breath, stands up, and walks to the window. He pulls back

the shade and looks out across a flat, sun-baked desert.

9

EXT. DESERT SAND DUNES - DAY

ROLL THEME MUSIC

Morty, a little man, is walking through a vast desert, leaving a trail of

foot prints. He is somewhat clumsy, like an accountant caught out in the

elements. A young woman in professional clothing and high-heels trails

behind him.

NARRATOR (V.O)

Eons into the future, the legend of

Earth has long been forgotten. Rampant

war and natural disaster have destroyed

entire civilizations, forever altering

the survivors, who cling to what

remains. A modest group known as the

Astrognomen has found security

throughout these troubled times, under

the service of powerful masters; The

Sand Giants, mysterious beings whose

immensity is only matched by business

savvy. It is for this reason, the Sand

Giants have long-dreaded the return of

an old foe.

CUE TITLE “ASTROGNOME! EPISODE I: CALL OF THE RAZORBEAST”

Morty stops at a small wooden post driven into the sand. There is a log

lying next to it. He picks up the log and swings it down on the post

three times, making a loud knocking sound. We wait a few seconds, the

ground starts shaking, and Morty struggles to keep his balance as an

enormous, bald, Andre-the-Giant-like head slowly rises, billowing out of

the sand in front of him. Morty is about the size of the giant‟s nose.

SAND GIANT

(booming voice)

I was taking a nap!

10

MORTY

I know this, my master. There has

been an incident.

SAND GIANT

Tell me of the incident.

MORTY

Well, master...It seems that one of

the brand Ambassadors-

SAND GIANT

Which campaign?

MORTY

Retro-Style-Incendiaries.

SAND GIANT

Continue.

MORTY

One of the brand Ambassadors was found

dead, Master.

SAND GIANT

This is a staffing issue!

MORTY

But Master, his death was not...

planned for. As far as

we can tell, his expense report was

in order, sales in the department

have risen as predicted by-

SAND GIANT

Get to the point.

11

MORTY

Large portions of his body seem

to be...incredibly separate from

the rest.

SAND GIANT

...Continue.

MORTY

He seems to have been...eaten, master.

SAND GIANT

(growing more grim as description

unfolds)

Continue.

MORTY

Not so much killed out-right, as

„eaten to death.‟

SAND GIANT

Continue.

MORTY

Portions of the lower half were removed

over a period of...days.

SAND GIANT

Continue.

MORTY

The skull was fashioned into a...vessel

from which to drink blood.

SAND GIANT

(becoming enraged)

Continue!

12

MORTY

The scalp appears to have served as a

napkin.

SAND GIANT

Enough! Who else knows of this?

MORTY

Only myself and...the Ambassador's

intern.

Morty motions for a chipper, Legally-Blonde-type girl to step forward.

INTERN

(as if networking)

Hellooo Master, it‟s such a pleasure to

finally meet you, I‟ve always-

The Sand Giant listens for a second, then looks at Morty, while the Intern

is rambling on in a very cheery, yet aggressive, go-getter fashion.

Receiving the Sand Giant‟s look, Morty glances over at the Intern...Then

looks back at the Sand Giant, who opens his mouth in a signifying way...

Morty gets a kind of consenting look on his face as he understands. As

the Intern continues to rattle on about her career, trying to woo the Sand

Giant, Morty motions for her to step closer to it, gently guiding her with

one hand on her back and the other motioning toward the open mouth.

As the Intern continues to speak and get closer, the Sand Giant‟s mouth

remains agape, and the Intern is guided by Morty to stoop a little (to

avoid bumping her head on the top row of teeth) and step into the Sand

Giant‟s gaping maw. The Intern continues to rattle on fairly happily,

maybe with a hint of nervousness peeking, through the speed of her speech,

and a few glances around the inside of the mouth.

13

Finally, the Sand Giant‟s mouth begins to close, and the Intern kind of

has to squat down to accommodate this, but does not stop talking.

Eventually the mouth shuts completely. The Intern does not stop talking,

though her words are now muffled sounding.

Morty looks on, a little disappointed at this unpleasant deed.

INT. BARROOM - EVENING

It‟s a shabby barroom, not too big, not too small. There are a few

working-class-looking guys sitting at tables far in the back of the room.

Watterson is on stage performing with some equipment and a microphone. He

is dressed like a sort of DIY ring-master, in striking, gaudy shades of

blue and yellow. He has a certain child-like sincerity to his face,

though he is in his late-twenties.

Watterson faces the microphone and lets out a drawn-out, agonized

yell/scream. He then turns to punch a button on a cheap drum machine,

prompting an incessant high-tom beat. The tempo is just fast enough to be

annoying, about 85 bpm.

He turns back to the microphone and gives an even higher, more agonizing

yell/scream, sounding something like extremely painful intercourse.

Next, he turns and punches another button on the drum machine, increasing

the tempo to 95 bpm. He accents this by pressing a button that creates a

cheesy-sounding cymbal crash. There is burly jeer from the back of the

barroom. It catches Watterson's attention and he turns to the microphone,

addressing the audience.

WATTERSON

This is Rock and Roll.

Watterson turns and hits another cymbal crash. He then turns back to the

microphone and prepares to scream again.

One guy in the audience, looking quite unimpressed, gets to his feet and

walks over to the stage-front, where there is a small juke-box-like

interface.

14

He puts (the equivalent) of a dollar in and punches a few buttons on the

interface. Suddenly blue and green laser-lights appear on stage around

Watterson. A Cher-like figure emerges from a glittery mist. She is

dressed like an alien Cleopatra. The elaborate intro to a super-club pop

song begins, with shimmery cymbal rolls and atmospherics.

The sound of Watterson‟s performance is cut off, and he is visually over-

ridden by the holographic display. As the beat kicks in, Cher starts

singing in a powerful, ultra-produced voice. She also starts to do some

sexy dance moves, as it becomes obvious that this element is just as

important as the music.

Watterson regards Cher for a moment, as some of the men in back begin

to hoot at her suggestive dancing. After blankly observing this for a few

seconds, and not having exited the stage, Watterson looks back toward the

audience, and awkwardly starts to sway his hips (or a slight pelvic

thrust), as if to mimic Cher‟s suggestive dancing.

Almost instantly, a stout old barkeep hustles out from side-stage and

shoves Watterson away.

EXT. OUTSIDE BARROOM - NIGHT

We now see the outside of the bar, with the „Holotron‟ music from inside

still audible, though muffled. It has the feel of a full-moon at

midnight. It's a dusty, dirty little outpost, with not much else around.

A man stumbles out of the front door, the same man who played the Cher

song. He stumbles around the front and turns the corner to the side of

the building, drunkenly mumbling to himself a little.

He walks a short distance, stops, then turns to lean against the wall. He

begins to urinate on the base of the wall, with one arm held straight out,

high against the wall with his hand spread out and palm flat against it,

supporting himself.

Just above head-level or so, taped to the brick wall is a cheap-looking

flyer for Watterson's performances, “The Amazing Earth Show: Music in the

Tradition of Ancient Earth, with your host Watterson,” with a photo.

15

We see a view of the man's top half as he continues to urinate. Then his

body seems to start inching away from the wall, even though he hasn‟t

changed position, and still appears to be leaning heavily with his arm,

which is no longer in contact with the wall.

We then see that he is leaning against thin air. Slowly he starts to

float up and away from the wall.

The man seems to notice something is odd when his stream of urine passes

over Watterson's flyer, dousing it. He kind of squints his eyes, as he

continues to float upward. He seems to wake a little from his mumbling,

and we hear a slight exclamation. There is a hint of emerald green,

strobing light beginning to emanate from off-screen, reflected off the

man‟s clothing.

EXT. DESERT DUNES - HOME OF SAND GIANT – DAY

Morty is once again swinging the log down onto the post three times. The

Sand Giant‟s head rises from the sand.

The Sand Giant and Morty just look at each other for a moment.

SAND GIANT

Do not tell me there has been yet

another incident!

MORTY

(solemnly nods)

Master, I thought you might wish to

meet one of our most successful

Holotron entertainers, the 'Beast

Hunter.'

Morty motions for the Beast Hunter to step forward. He is a rugged,

masculine man with a Tom-Selleck-like charm. He is outfitted for

adventure.

BEAST HUNTER

Greetings, Master. May I be of

service?

16

SAND GIANT

(laughs heartily)

Morty, remove this clown.

Morty motions as if to explain.

The Beast Hunter‟s charming expression falls away. He motions for Morty to

be silent, then addresses the Sand Giant in a stern, declarative tone.

BEAST HUNTER

The beast hunts by stealth...An

ambush predator, which feeds solely

on your Astrognomen servants. It

has telepathic and telekinetic

powers, and can transport itself

through space at will. It will

strike again in exactly thirty-seven

hours...Ask me where.

Morty looks apologetically toward the Sand Giant, embarrassed by the Beast

Hunter‟s moxy.

SAND GIANT

(pauses, stares poker-faced)

Morty, get some Giantcore branding

on this man‟s costume...If he does

succeed, the galaxy must see that

it was the Sand Giants...who finally

put an end...to the dreaded

Razorbeast.

Morty and the Beast Hunter seem relieved and enthusiastic.

EXT. DESERT DUNES - MARKETING DEPARTMENT - DAY

There is an arena-sized mechanical orb, not unlike the Death-Star, parked

on rolling tracks, sitting in a somewhat flatter, less scenic desert

landscape than the home of the Sand Giants.

17

The Beast Hunter pounds on the outside with his palm. A little slot opens

up at eye level, but it‟s too dark to see who or what is looking out. The

Beast Hunter cautiously peers in, a little confused and intimidated.

BEAST HUNTER

Is this Marketing?

The slot slams shut. There is the obligatory three-second delay of

uncertainty, then a big bay door starts to crank down a little to the side

of the Beast Hunter. Big gears are clunking away, not lending a great

impression.

The Beast Hunter cautiously steps up the walkway.

INT. MARKETING DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY

To our surprise, the inside is pure white bliss. There is a twenty-foot-

wide, white-tiled hallway, with white and ivory shaded walls. The hallway

stretches off infinitely into the distance. Light seems to glow from the

walls, completely illuminating every detail, though it has an extremely

soft quality, with no hard shadows. The decor is restrained and tasteful.

Paintings hang on the walls with plenty of space in-between. There‟s a

vase on a little table every thirty feet or so. Serene, ambient music is

softly playing.

The footsteps of the Beast Hunter‟s boots echo as he walks down the

hallway, peering around curiously.

The Beast Hunter proceeds down the hallway, coming to a slightly larger

painting than the rest. From a distance, it appears to have beautiful

hues of green.

The Beast Hunter stops to examine the painting more closely. In it, there

is a figure walking through woods. Upon a closer view, we see that it is

a young woman, strolling along the bank of a smoothly flowing stream.

There are beautiful spring flowers and trees all around.

18

The woman is dressed daintily, like a Romantic Victorian era vision. Her

dress is elaborate and beautiful. She is leaning an ornate, ivory colored

umbrella back over her shoulder. She has milky white skin, an adorable

face, and rich, chocolate colored locks of hair hanging down. On her

cheek is a perfectly placed freckle.

She seems to be looking directly into the eyes of the viewer, with her

head slightly turned from her direction of travel, as if noticing. She is

giving a loving smile.

We are getting progressively closer views of the woman. We now see a bit

more of the texture of her skin and dress-material.

As we get closer, there begins to be a three-dimensional feel to her

figure, almost as if she were alive.

We finally get an extremely close-up view of her upper torso and face.

She now appears completely real, much to the Beast Hunter‟s amazement. He

has been drawn-in by, hypnotized by this vision.

She is a clearly a living woman, but remains frozen, motionless. She is

smiling directly into the Beast Hunter‟s eyes. He stares back, transfixed.

She suddenly moves her arm slightly, raising it. She holds up a little

branded box. She poses with the box beside her cheek, like a classic 50‟s

sponsor girl.

WOMAN IN THE PAINTING

(whispers, as if to a lover)

Always clean...Always Giantcore...

The Beast Hunter has a sort of confused, longing look on his face. He

slowly reaches out, as the woman seems to be almost within touching

distance.

Suddenly he is jolted out of the vision, startled by a man who has

appeared behind and slightly beside him.

DAVIS

Break!

19

BEAST HUNTER

(stunned)

What happened?

DAVIS

(coolly regards him for a

moment)

Those who look too deeply are forever

changed...The purchase has already

been made...inside.

BEAST HUNTER

Advertising? What was in the box?

DAVIS

Feminine Wipes...Giantcore brand, of

course.

The Beast Hunter has a kind of a lost, stunned look on his face, turning

into a question.

DAVIS

At your local Giantmart.

The Beast Hunter‟s unspoken question has been answered.

DAVIS

You are the „Beast Hunter‟?

BEAST HUNTER

(snapping out of his

vulnerable state and back

to a macho air)

Yeah, that‟s me.

DAVIS

I understand you may be in

the public eye soon?

BEAST HUNTER

That‟s right.

20

DAVIS

Well then, let‟s make you a part of

the Giantcore brand.

Davis smiles and puts a hand on the Beast Hunter‟s shoulder, leading him

away.

INT. MARKETING DEPARTMENT - THE BRANDING ROOM

Davis and the Beast Hunter are in a white room, a little like a lab or

doctor‟s office.

The Beast Hunter is standing with his arms spread out, as wide, blue laser

lights from a machine in the ceiling scan his body and clothing.

DAVIS

Recommendations, Napoleon?

Napoleon is a computer interface and artificial intelligence. He is

similar to HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey, but much more pleasant.

NAPOLEON

Recommend Saturation Level:

Eighty-Seven percent.

DAVIS

Nature?

NAPOLEON

Lifestyle Insecurity...Sexual

Inadequacy...Incontinence...

Potato Chips.

DAVIS

Well done, as always Napoleon.

(proudly pats the interface)

Proceed with Branding, full-spread,

context template...Fourteen stroke

Seven stroke....Um...Say,

Mister Hunter?

21

BEAST HUNTER

Yes?

DAVIS

It would help if I knew a bit more

about the nature of this upcoming

event.

BEAST HUNTER

Well, I‟ll tell you what I can.

DAVIS

Wonderful. I take it you will be

„hunting a beast‟?

BEAST HUNTER

That‟s right.

DAVIS

And presumably capturing or killing

said beast?

BEAST HUNTER

Mm-Hm.

DAVIS

And this will be of some relief to

the public?

BEAST HUNTER

Yes...This will be our best

episode by far.

DAVIS

Really? Even more thrilling

than spearing the last living

Rainbow Sprite on the third moon

of Flabilia?

BEAST HUNTER

You watch the show!

22

DAVIS

Indeed. I admit I am a fan. As a

man of Marketing...I see the appeal

of the chase...thrill of the

hunt...of the kill.

BEAST HUNTER

Then you really won‟t want to

miss this one.

DAVIS

Oh! What beast is it? Please! I

must know!

BEAST HUNTER

Well...Since you are a fan...Have

you ever heard the old legend of how

the Sand Giants came to this planet?

DAVIS

It was a hostile take-over,

was it not? Involving an enormous

tax-lien...on the original

inhabitants, the Dune-Apes.

BEAST HUNTER

Yes, we‟ve all been told the story of

the Great Lien and Blanket Sale, but

have you ever heard another story?

DAVIS

...Yes. Some think the Sand Giants

were driven here...Threatened,

pursued.

BEAST HUNTER

Hiding.

23

DAVIS

Yes!...But...It cannot be true

...Not...The Razorbeast?! It‟s

only a myth!...Meant to scare

children!

BEAST HUNTER

(smiles, winking)

Catch you next season?

DAVIS

(clears throat, regains

cool)

Indeed. Now...During your filming,

will you be brandishing any sort

of...special equipment?

BEAST HUNTER

Oh yeah, I had to order something

made special just for this.

The Beast Hunter reaches over his back to a holster, pulling out an

enormous sci-fi rifle, similar to the big, fat blaster-rifles in the

„Alien‟ films.

DAVIS

You will shoot the beast?

BEAST HUNTER

Hah! You‟d think so, but you can‟t

just shoot a Razorbeast. They can

read your mind. They can disappear

in the blink of an eye. Conventional

weapons are useless...No...This is a

Confusion Ray.

24

DAVIS

Yes! I‟ve seen this technology...

Highly secret...But it has been

successfully implemented into the

advertising of many Giantcore

products...Oh, but, I won‟t bore you

with „shop-talk.‟

BEAST HUNTER

That‟s okay. We all do it.

DAVIS

So you will confuse the beast to

death? Is that it?

BEAST HUNTER

Silly, isn‟t it? That‟s the only

way to kill it...You only get one

shot...hit it with the Confusion

Ray, it blinks out, all crazy,

liable to pop up anywhere, inside a

mountain, into space, who knows,

maybe right into another dimension,

and boom, no more Razorbeast. But

here‟s the trick-

DAVIS

Yes?

25

BEAST HUNTER

If I were to think even the

slightest bit about my plan when the

Razorbeast is near, it would know

instantly, and vanish....like that!

(snaps finger)

So I have to be a little confused

myself. I have to wear this.

(holds up a ring shaped

device to be placed on

head)

This is to keep me distracted...

Just enough to camouflage my

intentions...But when I see the

Razorbeast... my instincts kick in,

over-power the effects, and I take

the shot.

DAVIS

Amazing...But where?-

BEAST HUNTER

Ah, ah, ah. I‟ve already told you

too much...Uh...What‟s your name?

DAVIS

Davis.

BEAST HUNTER

Davis, you‟re just going to have to

watch the show.

DAVIS

Of course!

(nods in good-humored

agreement)

Uh...Shall we get on with branding

your costume then? I‟ll just set

this...

26

Davis carefully takes the Confusion Ray from the Beast Hunter and sets it

to the side.

DAVIS

Right, then...Napoleon, secure.

Big clamps come down from the ceiling and secure the Beast Hunter‟s arms

and legs.

BEAST HUNTER

What the?-

DAVIS

Yes?

BEAST HUNTER

If you‟re just putting ads on my

clothes, uh why-

DAVIS

Oh, the clamps, you mean? They are

simply to secure your body....Avoid

mistakes as the branding is

applied...This is a precision

operation, after-all.

BEAST HUNTER

Right.

DAVIS

Napoleon, proceed with branding.

Several blue lasers start sweeping over the Beast Hunter‟s body from

above, applying race-car-like advertising to his fedora and clothing.

DAVIS

Say, Mister Hunter?

BEAST HUNTER

Yes?

27

DAVIS

I really am such a fan. I would so

much appreciate knowing, even what

the back-drop of this amazing

achievement will be...

Just...Something for me to dream

about, I suppose, to visualize, in

anticipation of the episode. I

spend most of my time here in the

marketing department...Your exploits

seem so fantastic to me. I would be

so grateful.

BEAST HUNTER

(pauses for a second,

seriously considering

giving in)

No. Sorry. I can‟t compromise

the show like that. The details

must stay secret.

DAVIS

(regards him for a

moment)

Yes, I see. Say, Napoleon?

The Branding Rays halt.

NAPOLEON

What is your requirement, Master

Davis?

DAVIS

Well, Napoleon, I require you to

increase saturation levels to

Five-Hundred percent.

BEAST HUNTER

Davis, is that?-

28

DAVIS

Napoleon, proceed with branding.

The Branding Rays seem to move faster, starting to saturate even more of

the Beast Hunter‟s clothing with advertisements.

BEAST HUNTER

(looking down at his

body)

I don‟t think-

DAVIS

Napoleon, remove safety protocols,

authorization Davis One-Three-Six-

BEAST HUNTER

Davis, what are you!-

DAVIS

Engage.

BEAST HUNTER

The Beast Hunter screams in pain as advertisements are burned into his

skin by the rays, beginning to cover him like some hideous disease.

DAVIS

Napoleon, pause.

The rays halt.

Mister Hunter, a fan of the show has

a question...

BEAST HUNTER

You...You‟re crazy!

DAVIS

Oh, yes, but I am quite good at my

job, am I not?

29

BEAST HUNTER

What?

DAVIS

Marketing, Mister Hunter. In fact,

I believe it may be time I get that

promotion. Napoleon, increase

Saturation level to nine-hundred

percent and proceed.

The Branding Rays begin again, even more intensely. The Beast Hunter

screams as he is completely tattooed with garish, multi-colored

advertising, which is getting smaller and more intricate with each pass.

DAVIS

Where is the Razorbeast Mister

Hunter? Can it be controlled?

The Beast Hunter looks as if he wants to say something, but can‟t.

DAVIS

Pause, Napoleon. Something to say

Mister Hunter? I don‟t mind if we

„talk-shop.‟...Don‟t worry...I won‟t

tell a soul.

The Beast Hunter motions toward his satchel. Davis removes a folded piece

of paper and unfolds it. It‟s a flyer for Watterson‟s “Amazing Earth

Show.”

BEAST HUNTER

It chooses its victims from the

audience.

DAVIS

Interesting, but why?

BEAST HUNTER

The sound-recorder...

30

Davis pulls the sound recorder out of the satchel and presses play. A

sound very similar to Watterson‟s awful music plays, causing Davis to

cringe.

DAVIS

What is this?

BEAST HUNTER

It‟s called „Rock and Roll.‟ Music

of ancient Earth-times. The

performer is a specialist in the

field. He performs the traditional

music of Earth at his shows.

DAVIS

How unpleasant. The point?

BEAST HUNTER

Play the next file.

Davis plays the sound recorder, which again plays similar jarring sounds.

DAVIS

Enough! You‟re wasting my time,

Mister Hunter.

BEAST HUNTER

That wasn‟t music.

DAVIS

I quite agree.

BEAST HUNTER

That was the only known recording of

a Razorbeast...The call of the

Razorbeast...The mating call.

DAVIS

Ohhhh! I see, I see, I see. You‟ve

found what turns him on! Ahhhh,

marketing truly is universal!

31

BEAST HUNTER

Let me go!

DAVIS

Ohhh, but all this effort you‟ve put

me through...Really does work up a

hunger.

(points to an ad seared

into the Beast Hunter‟s

forehead)

And this one here really is striking

my fancy...Potato Chips...Gigantos

brand! Really an easy sell--they

are tasty.

BEAST HUNTER

Davis!

DAVIS

Napoleon, let‟s go ahead and tweak

this one a bit. These chips are so

very sellable, and I‟d love to see

what the Gigantos brand would look

like at say, Twenty-Five...Thousand

percent saturation, engage!

The Branding Rays go crazy and the Beast Hunter screams.

INT. MARKETING DEPARTMENT - DAVIS‟S STUDY - NIGHT

The room is fairly dark. Davis is at his desk, working on something under

lamp-light, softly humming to himself. He has the Confusion Ray sitting

in front of him, and an Encyclopedia open next to it. The page shows a

drawing of a piano keyboard.

Placing the pieces carefully with a large pair of tweezers, Davis is

pasting black and white construction-paper onto the top of the rifle. The

pieces are cut to resemble piano keys, and it‟s starting to resemble a

crude keyboard, at least from a distance.

32

Suddenly he pops a Gigantos brand potato chip into his mouth and chews it

crunchily, as he continues to work contently into the night.

INT. BARROOM - AFTERNOON

The stout old barkeep is doing some paper-work at one of the tables.

Watterson is across the room sweeping the floor. The only sound is the

shuffling of papers, sweeping of the broom, and a clunky ceiling fan,

which softly thuds against something once per revolution.

Suddenly the front doors are pushed open. Light from outside illuminates

the dim room. The barkeep turns and looks toward the door, holding his

hand up to block the harsh rays of sunlight.

A dark profile is standing in the doorway. As the figure slowly comes

into focus, we notice it appears to have the long, flowing, oily perm of

the late Rick James.

The figure stands for a second...Then slowly walks toward the barkeep,

footsteps clunking on the old wooden floor. The figure takes a moment to

swish one side of his hair back from his face. He looks down at the

barkeep, who is calmly regarding whatever is happening (He‟s been around.)

Davis is in a slightly ridiculous outfit, as if a 1950‟s butcher had seen

a photo of Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock, and tried to replicate the style,

ending up in more of a Halloween costume.

Watterson stops sweeping, takes a step and looks curiously from across the

room, like a five-year-old boy noticing a clown from across the street.

Davis has cartoonishly altered the tone of his voice, but oddly retains

the same vocabulary, since this insight is lost on him.

DAVIS

Pardon me sir, I am a Rock and

Roller... looking for a place to

preserve my fruit.

Watterson peers curiously from across the room.

33

BARKEEP

Get lost. This guy‟s bad enough.

(motions toward Watterson)

DAVIS

(to Watterson, across

room.)

You, Sir. Do you Rock and Roll?

The Barkeep raises his hand to cut off Watterson‟s eager response.

BARKEEP

Listen up buddy...Either that or buy

a drink.

(in a harsh whisper, as

Watterson goes back to

sweeping)

I only let this clown on my stage

because people have to pay to shut

him up. Holotron revenue hit the

roof on the very first night. I got

a good thing goin‟ here, plus he

sweeps up.

DAVIS

I see...Well...Then...Truly, this

man must not be rocking. Rock and

Roll is meant to be the purist

expression of one‟s inner

feelings, which are innately

identified with by the listener-

BARKEEP

Get out.

DAVIS

Well! Some simply do not

understand art!

Davis turns and stomps toward the door.

34

BARKEEP

Wait.

(rattling fingers on

the table, balancing

a decision.)

Lemme‟ hear it.

INT. BARROOM - AFTERNOON

Davis is standing in front of the Barkeep and Watterson. He‟s brandishing

the Confusion Ray, which is disguised as his keyboard. There is a strap

attached to each end, slung back around his shoulders and neck. The

„keyboard‟ hangs down level at his mid-section.

Davis is nervously fiddling with the device. The barkeep remains seated

at the table, but with his chair turned to face Davis. Watterson is

beside the barkeep, leaning on his broom a little.

Davis finally collects himself, takes a deep breath and exhales. He

fiddles with some switches on the gun, flipping one. The gun makes a

kind of ascending, whining sound, as it hums to life. A row of green

lights start to blink on the side, like a router slowly performing the

different levels of connection, until all five lights are solidly on. The

high-pitched whine of the gun levels out, quieting down a little.

Suddenly Davis starts vocalizing in an awful way, with the occasional,

poorly-timed stomp of a foot. The „music‟ is as bad as Watterson‟s, but

worse really, because the sounds are more percussive, animalistic, like

the territorial-display of a giant, mentally-challenged chipmunk.

After a few seconds, we cut to the reaction of the two onlookers. The

barkeep is nodding in agreement with himself. His suspicion that this

„art‟ would turn out to be even more hideous than Watterson‟s has been

proven correct in a matter of seconds. Watterson has a kind of awe-struck

look on his face, neither too positive or negative, but definitely

hopeful, and in recognition that something amazing is happening; he is no

longer alone.

35

INT. BARROOM - MEN‟S ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

Davis is on his knees, miserably scrubbing the inside of a filthy toilet.

The door peeks open behind him. It‟s Watterson.

WATTERSON

What‟s your name?

DAVIS

Harley...Davison.

(goes back to scrubbing)

WATTERSON

I‟m Watterson.

DAVIS

Yes, charmed.

WATTERSON

So...You‟ve seen the Spirit too?

DAVIS

...Mm-Hm.

WATTERSON

I knew it! I‟m not the only one...

I recognize your music...And your

instrument, can I see it?

Watterson walks toward the Confusion Ray/Keyboard, which is propped

against a nearby wall. He leans over to examine it.

DAVIS

No...No, don‟t touch that...We

wouldn‟t want to...anger the spirits,

would we?

WATTERSON

So it is a gift from the Spirit!

36

DAVIS

Of course, it is...Say...Where did

you learn of this...sound you make?

WATTERSON

(admitting a secret, he

whispers)

Well, I‟m...just a custodian...

DAVIS

Mmm, you don‟t say?

WATTERSON

...But I found something...

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS

WATTERSON (V.O)

One of the Sand Giants was sick.

A small crew stands near the Sand Giant‟s head, which is protruding from

the sand. A couple doctors in lab coats are examining it. The Sand Giant

appears very limp and unhappy.

WATTERSON (V.O.)

We were cleaning.

Watterson is on a step-ladder, dressed in a white utility jumpsuit. He is

scrubbing around the Sand Giant‟s ear with a brush on a long wooden

handle, like a window cleaner.

Suddenly he notices something as he‟s gazing into the ear canal. A softly

pulsating green light is emanating from inside.

He tries to get a better look...Then reaches in...A little at first, and

then sticks his whole arm inside the ear, reaching around blindly, with

his head turned to the side. He seems to find something, and gently tugs

on it, pulling it out.

37

Much to his amazement, in his hand is something like a little puppy,

curled into a ball. It‟s still very young, and the eyes are shut.

Protruding from its forehead is the outline of a little green triangle,

which floats just above the skin, as if held by an invisible spring.

As Watterson holds the creature in his hands, it seems for a second to

open its beady little red eyes and look up at him.

Suddenly one of the doctors startles him, having walked up to the ladder

from below.

DOCTOR

Watterson!

At the instance the doctor shouts at Watterson, the little triangle lights

up on the puppy‟s forehead, flashing Emerald Green. The creature flickers

for a moment, phasing in and out, then vanishes.

Cut to Watterson later that evening, gazing up at the stars.

WATTERSON (V.O.)

Ever since then-

A green point of light is floating by in the sky above Watterson, as he

watches amazed. It kind of softly bobs up and down as it passes by, fairly

high-up in the night sky, but noticeably brighter than the distant stars.

WATTERSON (V.O.)

I‟ve found things...Gifts.

Cut to Watterson waking up in his bed from a night‟s sleep. There is a

beaten up old electric guitar laying on his chest, much to his amazement.

He props himself up, examining it and getting a big, goofy, excited smile.

Cut to Watterson walking along a path outdoors, and he comes to a big

tree. Leaning against the base of the tree is a large, cheap-looking old

framed silk-screen of a chubby, 1970‟s Elvis holding a microphone. Cut to

Watterson hanging it proudly on his bedroom wall.

38

WATTERSON (V.O.)

It‟s an ancient Earth-Spirit...

Showing me how great Earth was...

Maybe someday it can go back, and

take me too..sometimes...I hear it

calling...

This is very magical to Watterson. We see him in his pajamas, opening his

bedroom window in the middle of the night. He‟s looking out into the

darkness, searchingly. Fading in from the distance, we hear the eerie call

of the Razorbeast, mingling with the howling winds over the dunes.

WATTERSON (V.O.)

It inspires me...

Back to the Men‟s Room. Davis has become very attentive to this story.

DAVIS

I, too, have heard the Spirit.

EXT. BARROOM - EVENING

Customers are filing into the front door.

INT. BARROOM - STAGE - EVENING

The Barkeep is on stage, at the microphone.

BARKEEP

Alright folks, you know what time

it is.

There are a few mumbles and a groans from the back. The barkeep continues

as if reading a scripted card for the thousandth time.

39

BARKEEP

That‟s right--it‟s the Amazing Earth

Show, the musical tradition of a

long lost empire, painstakingly

restored by experts in the field for

your entertainment pleasure tonight.

Using actual artifacts from ancient

Earth, please welcome Watterson

and...special guest, tonight,

Harley...Davison! Now, let‟s Rock

and Roll!

A few murmurs are heard from the crowd.

Meanwhile, side-stage, Davis is double-checking his Confusion Ray/keyboard

and hurriedly trying to activate the crown-like Self-Confuser, which is

concealed under his wig. This makes Davis‟s head look strangely swollen.

Just as the Barkeep is calling them to the stage, Davis manages to switch

on the device, which has an immediate, off-putting effect, shown by his

confused looking around, as if lost.

Watterson is already on stage and starts up the drum machine, that

incessant, tribal beat. Davis is slowly making his way onto the stage,

with an increasingly nervous look in his eyes. He‟s looking around the

room...It‟s just possible he suffers from stage-fright.

We see Davis‟s point of view for a moment. He‟s scanning the audience and

dark recesses of the room, on the look-out.

Watterson looks over at him and smiles enthusiastically. Davis remembers

to pretend he is performing and starts to fiddle with his „keyboard.‟

Davis is getting kind of worked-up and increasingly nervous, with beads of

sweat trickling down his forehead under the hot stage-lights. He almost

looks prodded when Watterson begins his terrible vocal part, which is

nearly identical to the call of the Razorbeast, heard earlier on the Beast

Hunter‟s sound recorder.

40

Davis is starting to look like a frightened, desperate animal. He‟s in

way over-his-head and getting more and more jumpy.

As the horrible music continues, Davis starts to lose it, and as Watterson

increases the drum tempo and begins another howling vocal, Davis does lose

it. He starts to let out a kind of slowly building yell, in a primal

panic and terror. He‟s wide-eyed, staring directly into the eyes of the

audience.

Suddenly the music stops, but Davis‟s yell continues and then dies down

awkwardly in the unnaturally silent barroom. The audience is staring at

the stage, frozen.

Suddenly the entire audience screams in terror and panic, practically

running over top of each other to get out of the room. At this, Davis

snaps all-together and whips the Confusion Ray/keyboard into firing

position, swinging the barrel around from side to side, up and down, in

the direction of the fleeing audience. He‟s looking for the thing he

wants to shoot, finger shaking on the trigger, but seeing nothing.

This is when we notice the sound of deep, heavy breathing.

Watterson has turned to face something that is standing just behind the

two on stage. Towering over them is the grizzly-bear-like shape of the

Razorbeast. The details are difficult to make out, as it is standing

mostly out of the glare of the stage-lights, which are focused on

Watterson and Davis. The glowing, red eyes of the Razorbeast are visible

as it peers down at them, uncomfortably close.

Watterson seems not to show any fear, being simply amazed and wide-eyed.

Davis pauses for a second, then lets out a terrible war-cry, swinging the

barrel of the Confusion Ray in the direction of the Razorbeast.

For a second, we see a close-up of the Razorbeast‟s face as it lets out a

thunderous roar. The emerald-green triangle on its forehead is suddenly

flashing like a strobe-light.

Just then, our vision is obscured by all the confusion, and we hear the

firing of the Confusion Ray.

41

END OF EPISODE ONE

NEXT EPISODE: PATH OF THE RAZORBEAST