Assertiveness II: Healthy InteractionsChapter 4.3.7

Overview• In this presentation we will define

assertiveness and discuss the skills needed for healthy, assertive communication.

• Participants should review the information in Assertiveness I: The Drama Triangle.

Assertiveness• Assertiveness is self-assured and clear

communication that respects one’s self and others.

• It is problem-oriented, not whiny, hurtful or punishing.

• It is confident and not defensive.

• It is present and open; clear and attentive to responses.

• It is honest.

UltimatelyAssertiveness is ultimately about living our lives responsibly:• Solving our own problems,• Participating in community problem

solving, and• Doing so respectfully.

Differences• Each of us is very different from one

another, even though we are all human beings. In order to understand each other, we must communicate and this communication must be on-going.

• Being assertive simply means knowing who you are as a person and how to articulate that in a respectful way.

Too Responsible• Many of us were also taught to be

responsible, to do our share. We heard, “Don’t just sit there, do something”.

• This too can be over-done. We are not responsible for the life of a DB person.

• As a community member, we can work together with others to solve the problems of DB people as articulated by DB people.

ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

SkillsBeing assertive is not simple. It takes: • Self-awareness: the practice of noticing

your feelings and emotions • Analytical thinking skills: figuring out

where the feelings and emotions are coming from• Communication skills: communicating to

others what you want changed, how etc.• Negotiating skills

Self-Awareness• Family patterns have influenced our

interpretation of feelings.• We might even find it hard to give

ourselves permission to think about how we feel.

• The feeling of anger often masks other feelings such as fear.

Analyzing Our PatternsIt will take time and practice to become more aware of all the feelings.Some dysfunctional beliefs keep us stuck:• I must do it (no one else can do it)• I must do it alone (it’s not ok to ask for

help)• I must do it perfectly (perfectionism)• I must do it immediately (anxiety).

Being Articulate• Sometimes we don’t have good words

for our feelings.• It may be scary to ‘put it out there’.• We often do get push-back from others

who do not want us to change, or to be assertive.

NegotiatingNegotiating involves being aware of what you want or need in some detail, and what part of it “is negotiable” and what is not.Elements may include:• When or where• The amount of time• Who will be involved, and how

This all involves figuring out what the issues are.

DEFINING THE PROBLEM

For Example• A DB man asks for extra help in his

apartment because he has broken his ankle and is now having to use crutches. His regular SSP agrees to volunteer more time, but when she comes he wants to spend time chatting. The SSP just wants to help.

• What is the problem?

AnalysisThe DB man has two pressing needs:• Practical help due to his broken ankle• Wanting company and time to be with

other people The SSP understands the extra practical needs due to the broken leg, but does not want to just be company.

Solution• The SSP decides to let the DB man

prioritize his needs. • She agrees to volunteer 2 hours of

extra help each week until he is mobile again, two hours which he can spend talking or having her do chores or some combination of the two.

Defining the Problem• Defining the problem is not as easy as

it sounds. Most real life problems are complex.

• Also, once you define the problem, you have to do something about it (and it may feel overwhelming).

• So, part of defining a problem is being able to break it down into its parts.

Previous ScenarioIn the earlier scenario with the man who had broken his ankle, each person involved had a perspective. For the DB man the problem appeared to be a need for practical help but was actually two needs, one for practical help and the other for company. The SSP did not have ‘a problem’ per se but rather had a goal (practical help) and time limits.

Previous Scenario, cont.The SSP respected the DB man’s authority to define his own priorities (company or practical help) and at the same time respected her own time limits.

EXERCISES

Analyze this Situation• A rather heavy-set DB man had a habit of

leaving his keys inside his apartment when he and the SSP left to go shopping. On return he would ask the SSP to climb in the bathroom window and open the door.

• The SSP thought once was understandable, twice was annoying and the third time was the limit.

• Discuss.

Another SituationA woman volunteering as an SSP working with a DB man finds that he seems to misunderstand her motivation, thinks of

them as friends, and he would like to date her.

• What is the problem?• Who owns the problem?• What are the solutions?• How does this relate to assertiveness?

One More Situation• A male SSP works with a DB person.

The SSP feels sorry for the DB man and often checks on him on weekends. Now, the SSP’s girlfriend is starting to complain that he is spending too much time with the DB man.

• The SSP talks with his friend about the situation and complains that his girlfriend does not understand his work as an SSP.

AnalysisDiscussion:• What is the SSP’s problem?• Solutions?

DEFINING THE PROBLEM

Pay-OffsWe may also benefit from some of our dysfunctional behavior which makes it harder to give up:• Praise for being self-sacrificing• A sense of superiority• Attention from others• A sense of security from abandonment• Permission to dump our anger on others

Problem Solving • Which of the problems you have

identified in your discussions are personal or inter-personal and which are the systemic problems?

• Thinking of the systemic problems, who are the stakeholders; how should they be involved?

Problem Solving, cont. • Do any of these situations make you

think of issues in your own life? Take some time to reflect how doing these exercises might help improve your SSP work.

GOING FORWARD

Systems• There are huge barriers facing DB

people. The solutions to knocking down these barriers will take collective action but not a “rescue.”

• In other words, it is not for hearing/sighted people to solve the problems but to support DB people as they solve their own problems.

Empowerment vs. Empowerment• All of us involved in this work want to

empower DB people, but our ideas about what that means may vary.

• One form of empowerment is to give DB people fish.

• The other kind of empowerment is to teach DB people how to fish.

Giving DB People Space• Just listening without judgment can be

empowering.• Working as an SSP is empowering.• Working as an interpreter is empowering.• Providing information is empowering as

long as it comes without judgments or implied “should’ messages.

Conclusion• Being assertive assumes an underlying

sense of respect for ourselves and for others.

• It assumes that we have both a right and a responsibility to take care of ourselves.

Conclusion, cont.• It also assumes we have the ability to

take care of ourselves, identify our own problems and the knowledge to come up with solutions.

• Assertiveness is mutually respectful.