assertiveness- dr felton lean
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FRAMES-FRAMINGRE-FRAMING
Frames are "Frame of Reference: The context, viewpoint, or set of presuppositions
or of evaluative criteria within which a person's perception and thinking seem
always to occur, and which constrains selectively the course and outcome of these
activities"
Or in simple words, a blue print of everything that happens around you- all
experiences captured and stored in your brain- so every time we need to respond
to a stimuli in order to communicate- we check with our Frame/Frames of
reference and then act
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FRAMES-FRAMINGRE-FRAMING
NO TWO people in the world can go through the exact copy of eachothers life so naturally all frames are different from each other-or again
in simplistic terms, the looking glass of our lives are different from each
other .
Framing is an inevitable process of selective influence over the individual's
perception of the meanings attributed to words or phrases.
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UNDERSTANDING PASSIVE BEHAVIOR
Mottoes and Beliefs "Don't express your true feelings."
"Don't make waves."
"Don't disagree."
"Others have more rights than I do.
Communication Style Indirect
Always agrees Doesn't speak up
Hesitant
Characteristics Apologetic, self-conscious
Trusts others, but not self
Doesn't express own wants and feelings Allows others to make decisions for self
Doesn't get what he or she wants
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UNDERSTANDING PASSIVE BEHAVIOR
Verbal Cues "You should do it."
"You have more experience than I do."
"I can't......" "This is probably wrong, but..."
"I'll try..."
Monotone, low energy
Confrontation and Problem Solving Avoids, ignores, leaves, postpones
Withdraws, is sullen and silent
Agrees externally, while disagreeing internally
Expends energy to avoid conflicts that are anxiety provoking Spends too much time asking for advice, supervision
Agrees too often
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UNDERSTANDING PASSIVE BEHAVIOR
Feelings Felt Powerlessness
Wonders why doesn't receive credit for good work Chalks lack of recognition to others' inabilities
Effects Gives up being him or herself
Builds dependency relationships
Doesn't know where he or she stands Slowly loses self esteem
Promotes others' causes
Is not well-liked
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UNDERSTANDING AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
Mottos and Beliefs "Everyone should be like me."
"I am never wrong."
"I've got rights, but you don't.
Communication Style Close minded
Poor listener
Has difficulty seeing the other person's point of view
Interrupts
Monopolizing
Characteristics Achieves goals, often at others' expense
Domineering, bullying
Patronizing
Condescending, sarcastic
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Behavior Puts others down
Doesn't ever think they are wrong
Bossy
Moves into people's space, overpowers
Jumps on others, pushes people around
Know-it-all attitude
Doesn't show appreciation
Nonverbal Cues Points, shakes finger
Frowns
Squints eyes critically
Glares
Stares
Rigid posture
Critical, loud, yelling tone of voice
Fast, clipped speech
Verbal Cues "You must (should, ought better)."
"Don't ask why. Just do it."
Verbal abuse
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Confrontation and Problem Solving Must win arguments, threatens, attacks
Operates from win/lose position
Feelings Felt Anger
Hostility
Frustration Impatience
Effects Provokes counter aggression, alienation from others, ill health
Wastes time and energy over supervising others Pays high price in human relationships
Fosters resistance, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming alliances,lying, covering up
Forces compliance with resentment
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UNDERSTANDING ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR
Mottoes and Beliefs
Believes self and others are valuable
Knowing that assertiveness doesn't mean you always win, but thatyou handled the situation as effectively as possible
"I have rights and so do others."
Communication Style
Effective, active listener
States limits, expectations
States observations, no labels or judgments
Expresses self directly, honestly, and as soon as possible aboutfeelings and wants
Checks on others feelings
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Characteristics Non-judgmental
Observes behavior rather than labeling it Trusts self and others
Confident
Self-aware
Open, flexible, versatile
Playful, sense of humor
Decisive
Proactive, initiatingBehavior
Operates from choice
Knows what it is needed and develops a plan to get it
Action-oriented
Firm
Realistic in her expectations
Fair, just
Consistent
Takes appropriate action toward getting what she wants without denyingrights of others
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Feelings Felt
Enthusiasm
Well being
Even tempered
Effects
Increased self-esteem and self-confidence
Increased self-esteem of others
Feels motivated and understood
Others know where they stand
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when an issue is really minor;
when the problems caused by the
conflict are greater than the conflictitself;
when emotions are running high and itmakes sense to take a break in order
to calm down and regain perspective;
when your power is much lower than
the other party's;
When the other's position is
impossible to change for all practicalpurposes (i.e., government policies,
etc.)
When can Passiveness work?
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When can Aggression work?
when a decision has to be made
quickly;
during emergencies;
when you know you're right and
that fact is crucial;
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WHAT ASSERTIVENESS CAN DO FOR YOU
It increases your confidence and self-esteem
You enjoy more balanced lifestyle
You manage colleagues and friends effectively and empathetically
You increased work effectiveness and productivity
You Concentrate on whats within YOUR control, rather than whats
beyond YOUR control. For instance, you can always control how you react
to a situation, but you cant control how others react.
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WHAT ASSERTIVENESS CAN DO FOR YOU
Every problem seems to have a win-win solution. Assertive communicators first
ask what the other person or party wants and then quickly negotiate a solution that
everyone can live with.
Because problems are solved more quickly, resentment, frustration and othertensions that block peak performance are minimized.
Assertive behavior can actually reduce physical and mental stress in the workplace
because people feel less like victims and more like influencers.
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WHAT ASSERTIVENESS CAN DO FOR YOU
Communication becomes clearer and more concise, which reducesmisunderstandings and clarifies expectations. Phrases like I thought you
meant virtually disappear.
In an assertive work environment, people speak up and say whats on their
minds. They arent afraid their ideas will be shunned, ridiculed or
ignored.
Dr Felton Lean, L2S Global
Services, Bangalore
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Finally, You can have the power to say NO!!
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Services, Bangalore
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Services, Bangalore
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Develop a value and belief system which allows you toassert yourself.
This is the hardest part. It means giving yourselfpermission to be angry, to say "No," to ask for help,
to make mistakes.
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Services, Bangalore
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3) Escalating Assertion
This occurs when the other person fails to respond to your basic assertionand continues to violate your rights.
You gradually escalate the assertion and become increasingly firm. It mayeven include the mention of some type of resulting action on your part,made only after several basic assertive statements.
For example, "If you don't complete the work on my car by 5:00 tomorrow,I'll be forced to call the Better Business Bureau."
Dr Felton Lean, L2S Global
Services, Bangalore
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4) I-Language Assertion
This is especially useful for expressing negative feelings. It involves a 3-part statement:
When you do . . . (describe the behavior). The effects are . . . (describe how the behavior concretely affects
you).
I'd prefer. . . (describe what you want).
The real focus in I-Language Assertion is on the "I feel," "I want" part of
the statement. When expressing anger, often the tendency is to blame theother person, fly off the handle and get caught up in the emotion.
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Services, Bangalore
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There are four parts to effective assertive communication - Here is theformula:
I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need___________.
Part 1: I feel Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior. Stickto one of the five or six basic emotions: I feel overwhelmed, angry,hurt, etc.
Part 2: When What specifically bothers you about the behavior orsituation? Examples: When the family expects me to do this every year,When it is assumed I will do it, etc.
Part 3: Because How does the behavior affect you? Examples: I feelpressured to do something I really cant do this year, and It makes mefeel taken advantage of.
Part 4: I need This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel guiltysimply letting others (especially family members) know what their needsare. I need has nothing to do with being selfish.
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Services, Bangalore
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Maintain comfortable direct eye contact;
keep your posture open and relaxed;
be sure your facial expression agrees with the message;
keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice; select an appropriate time to
be assertive.
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Services, Bangalore
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In the beginning, don't try changing your behavior in loaded or
difficult situations.
Practice first in the least risky ones.
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Lets Practice saying NO FIRST
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Services, Bangalore
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I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SEVERAL PROJECTS
let people know when you have accepted other responsibilities
no need to make excuses if you don't have any free time no one will fault you for having already filled your plate
I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT
you might be uncomfortable with any of a number of issues
the people involved, the type of work, the morale implications,etc.
this is a very respectful way to avoid a sticky situation
I AM NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW RESPONSIBILITIES
you aren't saying that you will never help out again just that you feel your schedule is as full as you would like now
understanding your limits is a talent to be expected
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Services, Bangalore
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I AM NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB
if you don't feel that you have adequate skills, that's okay it's better to admit your limitations up front
the best way to avoid feeling overwhelmed down the road
I DO NOT ENJOY THAT KIND OF WORK
life isn't about drudgery -- if you don't enjoy it, why do it? don't be afraid to let someone know you just don't want to
someone else is bound to enjoy the work you don't
I DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE ROOM IN MY CALENDAR
be honest if your schedule is filled "filled" doesn't have to mean really filled
know when you are scheduled as much as you are willing and stop
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Services, Bangalore
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I HATE TO SPLIT MY ATTENTION AMONG PROJECTS
let people know that you want to do a good job for them
but you can't when your focus is too divided or splintered you will be more effective if you focus on one project at a time
I HAVE ANOTHER COMMITMENT
it doesn't matter what the commitment is it can even simply be time to yourself or with friends or family
you don't have to justify -- you simply aren't available
I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH THAT
volunteering shouldn't mean learning an entirely new set of skills suggest that they find someone who has experience in that area
offer to help out with something that you already know how to do
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Services, Bangalore
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I KNOW YOU WILL DO A WONDERFUL JOB YOURSELF
people often ask for help because they doubt their own abilities let them know that you have confidence they will succeed
you are actually doing them a favor in the long run
I NEED TO FOCUS MORE ON MY PERSONAL LIFE
don't be ashamed of wanting to spend time with your family
having a strong family is an important priority in and of itself be willing to put your personal needs first
I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER RIGHT NOW
often, you have to focus your energies on a work-related task
you may have to give up some civic or community duties if you don't do it, someone else will take on the task
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Services, Bangalore
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I NEED TO LEAVE SOME FREE TIME FOR MYSELF
it's okay to be selfish -- in a good way!
treat your personal time like any other appointment
block off time in your calendar and guard it with your life
I WOULD RATHER DECLINE THAN DO A MEDIOCRE JOB
know when you aren't going to be able to deliver a quality product
the reason doesn't matter -- not enough time, wrong skills, etc.
whatever the reason is enough for turning a request down
I WOULD RATHER HELP OUT WITH ANOTHER TASK
saying no doesn't mean that you can't help at all
if someone asks you to do something you really despise, refuse
then offer to help with something you find more enjoyable
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Services, Bangalore
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LET ME HOOK YOUUP WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN DO IT
if you aren't available to help out, offer another qualified resource
helping to connect people is a valuable service to offer make sure the person you refer will represent you well
NO
sometimes it's okay to just say no!
just say it in a way that expresses respect and courtesy leave the door open for good relations
NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN DO IT LATER
if you really want to help but don't have time, say so
offer to help at a later time or date if they can't wait for you, they'll find someone else
Dr Felton Lean, L2S Global
Services, Bangalore
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SOME THINGS HAVE COME UP THAT NEED MY ATTENTION
unexpected things happen that throw your schedule off
accept that you may need to make a few adjustments
it is temporary and you will have more time when life stabilizes
THIS REALLY IS NOT MY STRONG SUIT
it's okay to admit your limitations
knowing what you can handle and what you can't is a skill
your time will be more efficiently spent on something you do well
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Services, Bangalore
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L2S Global Services, Bangalore
Dr Felton Lean, L2S Global
Services, Bangalore