Assertiveness

Being Assertive

What is Assertiveness?

Being assertive is a way of getting what you want, while being fair to yourself andfair to others. It is thinking and behaving in ways that let you speak up for yourrights while respecting the rights of others.

When you want something from another person, there is more than one way to ask for it. Here are some ways that a seven-year-old might ask for a cell phone:

Begging and whining – Mommy, mommy, can I please, please, please have a cell phone.

Demanding and screaming – Old lady, get me a cell phone, and get it now.

Sit around sadly thinking – I’d like a cell phone, but I won’t say anything. I’ll justhope Mommy notices.

Polite and reasonable request – Mom, I would like a cell phone. I’d take goodcare of it. I could call my friends. I could call you when it’s time to pick me upafter practice so you wouldn’t have to wait around for me.

The last way shows respect for both the child and the mother. The child is beingassertive. The other ways are immature and do not show respect.

You will be more likely to get what you want if you act assertively.To be a self-advocate or leader, you must be assertive.

Being assertive is one way to communicate. If people are not assertive, they areusually either passive or aggressive.

Passive Assertive Aggressive

Does not speak Speaks up for rights while respecting others

Speaks up and does not respect others

Let’s take a closer look at assertive, passive and aggressive styles.

Assertive:

The assertive person clearly says what he or she is thinking and respects the rights of others. Talk about needs clearly and directly. Talk about ideas without feeling scared. Speak up for what they believe in even if people disagree.

Know their rights and how to use them. Communicate in a way that people understand their point. Talk respectfully and professionally to others. Take responsibility for their actions. Listen to what other people have to say.

Aggressive:

Aggressive people say what they think or feel in a way that makes other peoplefeel badly or angry. They are not always good problem solvers since they arequick to blame and attack others.

Aggressive people may: Point their finger at people when talking to them. Stamp their feet when they are mad. Scream or yell when angry. Walk one step ahead of others in their group. Be very good at the "put-down." Answer for other people. Cause people to be afraid of them.

An aggressive person is someone who chooses to fight or argue instead of talking calmly about the problem.

If you act aggressively, you will make people feel angry or badly. It will be veryhard to get them to give you what you want.

Passive:

People who are passive let other people tell them what to do. They say "yes"when they really wanted to say "no." And they do not speak up for themselves orfor their rights. They are often so concerned with being liked and accepted thatthey may never see the need to advocate.

Passive people:

Often talk with their hands over their mouths. Do not look at the person they are talking to. Hang their heads or slump while sitting. Speak too softly for people to hear them. Do not speak up when their rights are violated.

If you are passive, other people will tell you what to do and it will be very hard toget what you want.