asc-33_boysownmcbeth

This script is distributed by The Australian Script Centre 77 Salamanca Place Hobart 7004 Tasmania Australia email [email protected] www.ozscript.org ph +61 3 6223 4675 fax +61 3 6223 4678

Boy’s Own McBeth

by Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett

© 1979/2003 Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett

This script is distributed by the Australian Script Centre 77 Salamanca Place Hobart 7004 Tasmania Australia email [email protected]

www.ozscript.org ph +61 3 6223 4675 fax +61 3 6223 4678

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©Grahame Bond & Jim Burnett February 1979.Revised June 2003

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Boys Own McBeth

‘A Really Rotten Tragedy’

By Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett Book and Lyrics: Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett

Music: Grahame Bond.


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Boys Own McBeth

Act One

SCENE ONE (REVEAL: Small tatty curtain hangs mid stage, it is about a third of the width of the proscenium and hangs well short of the proscenium arch .It hovers mid stage like a postage stamp short on all sides.) Chorus of voices offstage: WE ARE THE BOYS (voices on echo) Music is heard: ‘Witches’ theme, in fugue. SONG: FAIR IS FOUL The tatty curtain is raised to reveal a school assembly hall, a dais cum headmaster’s office, a large column bearing the PA system, school desks and a blackboard. Terry Shakespeare stands in heroic pose, with S.S. and Dopey beside him. They all wear school uniforms. Terry is in ill-fitting shorts and blazer he steps forward and sings. Terry WE ARE THE WICKED WITCHES S.S & Dopey: THE REALLY WICKED WITCHES Terry: I LEAD THE GANG THAT’S NUMBER ONE. Terry,S.S & Dopey: WE’RE KNOWN AS SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS. Terry (spoken): When shall we three meet again, In thunder, lightning or in rain? S.S.: WHEN THE HURLY-BURLY’S DONE. Dopey: Right! S.S.: WHEN THE BATTLE’S LOST AND WON. Terry: That will be ere the set of sun. [Terry produces a small spherical bomb with a wick.] Terry Where the place to set the bomb? S.S.: BENEATH THE DAIS.


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Dopey: Right! Boom! Terry: There to wait for the headmaster, Clifford Tobias. (Terry moves to the dais and plants the bomb under the Headmaster’s chair. The PA system lights up and crackles to life) Miss Graymalkin (on PA): Would all the students go directly to the assembly hall for

prayers, and would Terry Shakespeare report to my office immediately.

Terry: I’m coming, Graymalkin, you old frog, I’m coming. Dopey: Right! (During the rest of the song, Terry produces a water pistol and squirts the audience with it. S.S. and Dopey have catapults and pea-shooters.) Terry & Chorus: FAIR IS FOUL AND FOUL IS FAIR, STINK BOMBS FOG AND FOUL THE AIR IT’S THE END OF THE YEAR AND OUT EXAMS ARE DONE. WE’RE ALL GOING TO FAIL, WE’RE GONNA HAVE

SOME FUN. WE’LL BRING THIS SCHOOL DOWN TO ITS KNEES. WE’LL PUT INK IN THEIR SOUP AND PUT FROGS IN

THEIR FRUIT. WE’LL PUT WORMS IN THEIR MEAT AND PUT

TACKS ON THEIR SEATS. Terry: MY NAME IS TERRY SHAKESPEARE. Chorus: HE IS THE BOY THEY ALL FEAR Terry: I LEAD THE GANG THAT’S NUMBER ONE All: WE’RE KNOWN AS SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS. WE’LL MAKE IT ALL COME TRUE. (They dance off. Terry reappears immediately) Terry (to audience): Good morning school, I’m Terry Shakespeare, year eleven. School

assembly is just about to start, now a very close personal friend of mine, the Headmaster, Mr Clifford Tobias, will come out here and he’s going to ask all you kids to stand up and greet him with “Good morning Mr Tobias.”(To audience member) Don’t you laugh mate, because if you stand up, I’m going to find you at recess and personally ram your head down the dunny.


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(Terry exits, squirts audience with water pistol)

BLACKOUT

SCENE TWO A school bell rings frantically. A kettledrum roll is heard off, then a shrill blast on a whistle. Through the auditorium the school band and the school choir enter, led by the Headmaster wielding a mace and blowing directions for formation marching. He is followed by Mr Elston (Head of Drama), Charles Hunt (School Captain on kettle drum),Morrie McBeth (cymbals),S.S. (Bass Drum) and Dopey lags behind randomly blowing a car horn and trying to ride his skate board. The shambles that is the School march on stage and mark time badly. Hunt: Halt! Right turn! File off! (McBeth, S.S. and Dopey sit down at their desks, leaving one empty for Terry) Headmaster: School Captain! Hunt: Sir! The school will stand! (McBeth and S.S. stand. Dopey is coolly dancing to the music on his MP3 player , he is not of this world) Headmaster (to audience): When the school captain says the school will stand, I mean

the whole school. Now will you please stand up? (Mr Elston stands up. Dopey collapses in a heap, exhausted from the effort of moving) Elston (guiltily): I’m sorry, Sir! Headmaster: No, not you Mr Elston, you’re staff. Sit down, thank you.

Alright Charles, take down the names of all those boys who are still sitting.

Elston: And… could I have that one’s phone number please Hunt? (Hunt produces pencil and paper) Headmaster (angrily): Elston! Elston: Or his email address. Headmaster: Show some control Elston. (looks closely at Elston) My god

are you wearing lipstick? Elston: No? I just have naturally ruby lips. (As the Headmaster continues, behind him Elston pulls out a compact to check his makeup.)


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Headmaster (to audience): What are you tittering about? So you won’t stand? Please

yourselves, I can wait all day. (Headmaster sits in his chair, picks up a newspaper and ignores audience. Pause.) Hunt (pleads): The entire school will stand!…. Please? Headmaster: Those boys who are still sitting, you realise you‘re spoiling it

for the rest of the school. I’m ordering you to stand up! (Terry enters with a flourish) Terry: Good morning Boss. (waves to Elston) Morning Ronnie,

you’re looking lovely this morning. (Elston blushes) Headmaster (ignores Terry’s comment)): Nice of you to join us Shakespeare. I don’t

suppose you could possibly get the school to stand? Terry Sure Boss. Alright you lot, get up! (threatening) Now! (As the school rises, Terry sits down at his desk and reads the racing form guide, ignoring the proceedings.) Headmaster: That’s more like it. Now, good morning school! All (chaotically): Good morning, Mr (garbled)?????? S.S.: G-G-G-G—gooo …. Headmaster: Thank you for the effort, S.S., but you can relax now. We’ll

try that again, shall we? (angry) This time when I say “Good Morning School”, I would like to hear the whole school respond with “Good Morning Mr Tobias,” loud and clear. Yes, and that means you boy, get that stupid grin off your face.

(Throws chalk at audience member) Headmaster: Sorry son, wrong boy (composes himself) Good Morning School! All: Good Morning, Mr Tobias, loud and clear. S.S.: G-G-goo-gooomornin … Mr Tobias! Headmaster: Well done, S.S., you got it in the end, didn’t you? Alright, sit, stay! (S.S. sits up and begs like a dog) (Suddenly Terry’s mobile phone starts ringing)


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Headmaster: Shakespeare could you please conduct you’re business elsewhere.

Terry (whispers): Sorry can’t talk…. What?…. fifty bucks each way? OK, bye. Headmaster (authoritatively): Not during assembly thank you! (aside to Terry)…by the way

what won the 3.30? Terry: Country Lad, paid $200 the win. Headmaster: I see…(disappointed, he takes out a ticket from his wallet and

tears it up) Well, as you all know, this is the final assembly for this term ….

(S.S. reaches forward and grabs McBeth’s cymbals he smashes them together, McBeth starts to cry.) Headmaster: McBeth will you stop that infernal whingeing boy. What is

the matter? ( McBeth has a nose bleed, shows the Headmaster a bloodied handkerchief.) Headmaster: Yes, I can see it; go to sickbay, thank you. ( McBeth exits, S.S is in hysterics) Headmaster: Could we have a little less tittering, please? My God, you’re

all acting like a gaggle of giggling schoolgirls. What are they, Charles?

Hunt: Just a gaggle of giggling schoolgirls, Sir. Headmaster: Yes … and speaking of girls, what is that boy in the front row

doing wearing a dress! (Elston almost has a seizure trying to see who the Head is referring to) Elston: Where? Headmaster: Sit down, thank you Mr Elston. I‘ll handle this. The boy in

the front row out of uniform, I want you up here now. Yes, you know the boy I am talking to don’t you? Son, do I have to come down there and drag you up. Right!

(Headmaster leaps into the audience and drags a woman up on stage) Elston (disappointed aside): Oh… it’s only a girl.


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Headmaster: I heard that Elston. Did you hear that son? That’s the sort of ugly rumour that can start when you dress in this manner? So young man I want you to repeat after me, so the entire school can hear. “I am a boy …

(Audience member repeats after Headmaster) Headmaster: … and I must not wear a dress in general assembly.” Simple! (Waits until audience member finishes) Headmaster: Now get back to your seat! (screams after them) And I want

you to write that out for me three thousand times and have it on my desk in the morning!

Elston (whispers to girl): Don’t listen to him darling, you look lovely…. and where

did you get those shoes? Headmaster: Elston!…. Now, as it is the final assembly for this term, I

think it appropriate that we all join together and sing the school song.

Terry: N-O-! Headmaster: Yes, we will! Thank you, Mr Music.(Music Teacher stands) Music Teacher: (conducting): And one, two, three, four … two, two, three, four. Headmaster: Yes, yes … it’s not a bloody maths class. Just conduct, will

you! ( yells) McBeth! School song. (McBeth enters) McBeth: Yes, Sir! Headmaster: School song boy. (McBeth commences to sing solo, the Shakespeares become hyper active) SONG: SCHOOL SONG McBeth: WE HONOUR OUR FLAG, OUR FATHERS AND MOTHERS WE HONOUR THE LORD, OUR TEACHERS, OUR BROTHERS. (The rest of the school start humming along)


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McBeth & Choir: WE’RE PROUD OF OUR SCHOOL, OF THAT WE CAN CLAIM, SO LET US STAND UP FOR BRAVE DUNSINANE. All (chorus): BRAVE DUNSINANE GOD’S DUNSINANE, WE LOVE OUR SCHOOL, AND WE LOVE OUR NAME. SO LET US CHEER, FOR THE MOTTO OF OUR SCHOOL, DOMINUS VOBISCUM, WE LIVE BY THE RULE. WE ARE THE BOYS, WE ARE THE BOYS, WE ARE THE BOYS, FROM OLD DUNSINANE. Shakespeares: OH THE HEADMASTER THINKS THAT WE’RE SINGING THIS SONG, BUT WE DON’T KNOW THE WORDS, SO LET’S ALL HUM ALONG. (The Shakespeares hums over next chorus) BOYS TURN INTO MEN, AND SOME TURN INTO SOLDIERS (The Shakespeares shout WOMEN) Shakespeares: BUT ELSIE’S ON THE TURN, AND HE WANTS TO TAKE US SWIMMING. (Repeat second chorus) Headmaster: HONOUR THE FLAG, HONOUR YOUR MOTHERS, HONOUR THE LORD, YOUR TEACHERS, YOUR BROTHERS. All: HONOUR YOUR DADS, AND HONOUR YOUR MUMS, Shakespeares: HONOUR YOUR LULUS, SIT HONOUR YOUR BUMS. All: WE ARE THE BOYS, WE ARE THE BOYS, WE ARE THE BOYS, FROM OLD DUNSINANE.


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(Students sing second chorus, repeating it as if ad infinitum. Terry with cymbals, S.S. with side drum above his head, all go crazy, running around. A terrible din.) Headmaster (blows his whistle): Alright, ballet classes with Mr Elston at 3.30. (Shakespeare’s gang run to their seats) Headmaster: I thought that would frighten you. Now an item of interest for

all you boys, the rumours have just been confirmed by the Chairman of the Board, Mr Hunt – Charles’ father, that a new school will be opening in the vicinity.

Hunt: Yes, Sir, it’s a special school, Sir. Headmaster: Is it? Hunt: Yes, Sir. Headmaster: There you go. It’s a special school, which means that we are

going to have some ‘special’ competition here at Dunsinane College so we had all better pull up our socks, because this school is a disgrace.

Hunt: Father said that was your fault, Sir. Headmaster (not listening): Yes, and it‘s my fault ….???? (realising) Thank you so much for informing the entire school Charles! Hunt (smiling in ignorance): Pleasure, Sir. (Highly embarrassed the Headmaster attempts to change the subject.) Headmaster: Well…let me see…there will be a fire drill at fifteen hundred

hours. Remember when the alarm sounds, there is no need for panic, it will only be a mock fire.

Terry (sarcastically): Never! Headmaster: I shall ignore that remark, Shakespeare; I expect the drill to

go off in an orderly fashion. (A school bell rings, the Headmaster flinches) Terry (screams): Fire! (Shakespeare’s gang rush around in mock panic. Elston panics) Elston (panicking): Run for your lives! Headmaster (blows whistle): All right, playtime is over!


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(The bomb/flashpot explodes. Headmaster dives to the floor) Dopey (impressed): Boom! Right! (Terry and S.S. are rolling with laughter. Hunt goes to the dais and finds the charred remains of the bomb) Headmaster (furious): Who was responsible for that? Hunt: McBeth did it, Sir. Headmaster: McBeth. Go to my study. McBeth: But, Sir … Headmaster: Don’t argue, boy, just go! (McBeth exits in tears again) Elston: Oh, McBeth wouldn’t do a thing like that. Hunt: He’s a troublemaker, Sir. Elston: He’s a perfect student, Hunt! Terry (wanders over casually): All right, boss, let’s not get upset. I cannot tell a lie. I know who did it. Headmaster: Who? Terry: Hunt! (The Headmaster instinctively leaps towards Hunt who cowers). Hunt: Oh, I did not, Sir! Headmaster: No, of course you didn’t, Charles. Thank you Shakespeare

and for that little bit of insolence you can join McBeth in my study.

Terry: OK lads, you heard the Boss. All up to his place for a bit of

S&M. (Shakespeares begin to exit) Elston: You’re not seriously going to cane them? Headmaster: It’s the only thing they understand! Elston: It’s barbaric.


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Headmaster: It never did me any harm. (All exit, except for Hunt and Terry) Terry: Listen Hunt, before I go off and get caned, I was just

wondering, are your Mum and Dad coming to the school this weekend?

Hunt (cautiously): I suppose so, why? Terry: Oh, I just thought it would be a nice opportunity while they

were both here, we could probably get the school padre to marry them both.

Hunt (puzzled): But … they are married? Terry (sarcastically): Never! (Terry exits, chased by Hunt)

SCENE THREE (Headmaster enters his office, closely followed by McBeth) Headmaster: Quite frankly, McBeth, I’m surprised. I didn’t think you had

it in you boy. McBeth: But I didn’t, Sir. Headmaster: Didn’t what? McBeth: I didn’t have it in me, Sir. I didn’t do it. (Hunt enters) Hunt: Here to supervise the caning, Sir. Headmaster (takes McBeth to one side): Son, son, son ! You will be leaving school at the

end of this term and passing out with honours. But it will mean nothing to you lad, nothing … unless you grow up to become a man. Now go and get the cane.

McBeth: But, sir … Headmaster: Don’t argue, boy, just do it! (Terry and his sons enter skipping and holding hands) Terry (to McBeth): Are you upsetting the boss again, Morrie? (McBeth has selected the cane and hands it to the Headmaster, who wields it furiously)


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McBeth: I didn’t do it, Terry. Terry: Never mind. Just cop it sweet. Hey boss, I’m sorry I’m late but I’ve brought the twins along

to get caned as well … Headmaster: Why? Terry: They enjoy it! Dopey: Right! Headmaster: Alright McBeth you’re first. Hand out lad. (The cane cracks across McBeth’s fingers, he leaps in pain)). Headmaster: Who’s next! (Dopey steps forward produces a stockwhip, cracks it and hands it to the Headmaster.) Dopey: Right! Headmaster: What is this, boy? (Dopey then bends over and takes his pants down to reveal leather underwear. The Headmaster, stunned, hurls the stockwhip at Dopey and kicks him in the backside. Hunt suddenly produces a camera and takes a flash photograph) Dopey (ecstatic): Far out! Right! Hunt: Could you do that again, Sir? (Headmaster is still stunned by the flash, he confiscates Hunt’s camera. Hunt looks mystified.) Headmaster: Charles, just observe! (regains his composure) Come on S.S.,

you’re next. (S.S. offers his hand to the Headmaster, but he is wearing a large cricketer’s glove) Headmaster: Get the glove off. (S.S. removes the glove to reveal a smaller cotton glove) Headmaster: Yes, come on. Other hand. (Swipes the cane and connects) S.S.: F-f-f-fu-fu-fu …


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Headmaster: Come on, Terry. Terry: You’re going to enjoy this, aren’t you Boss. Headmaster (furious): Yes! (Headmaster swipes at Terry just as S.S. swears) S.S.: F-f-f-f-fu-fu – S-s-shi-it-t! (Terry spins away from the cane and slaps S.S. for swearing, just as the Headmaster is in full swing, he misses Terry’s hand and falls flat on his face off the dais). Terry: S.S.! Language like that in front of the Headmaster. (Terry notices Headmaster on the ground and tries to help him up) Terry: Are you right Boss? Headmaster: Just leave me alone. (Terry tries to help him get up) Don’t

touch me! Terry: OK, but I think this could be very embarrassing.. Headmaster: What? Terry: Caning a father in front of his two sons. Headmaster: Yes, I can appreciate that. You two get out! (S.S., Dopey and McBeth start to exit) Headmaster: No, not you, McBeth. I want you to see how I deal with

troublemakers. Terry: Does McBeth have to watch this, sir? It could be very ugly. Headmaster: Yes! (Terry has a rubber hand hidden up his sleeve .As the cane hits the hand, it drops off onto the floor) McBeth (hysterical): A-H-H-H! (Charles Hunt faints) Headmaster: My God, I’ve mutilated him! (panicking) Oh I’m so sorry

Terry but it’s all your fault….. you pushed me too far ……… Terry: I forgive you Cliff.


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Headmaster: What do you mean you forgive me? What am I going to say to the Department?

(Terry magically reveals his hand from his sleeve, Headmaster reacts, wheezing and clutching his throat with an asthma attack. Terry carefully sits him down) Terry: You seem a bit upset about something? Headmaster: A bit upset? I can hardly bloody breathe! Terry: This corporal punishment… it’s just too stressful for a man of

your age. Headmaster: What are you talking about , I’m four years younger than

you. Terry: You’re not thirty eight? Headmaster: I am! Terry: That’s terrible Cliff… you’d easily pass for fifty. Headmaster (shattered): Fifty! (confides in Terry) Do I really look that old? Terry: You’re not back on the drugs are you? Headmaster: No! It’s the Board. Terry: Mate, don’t worry about the Board. We’ve always handled

them in the past. Headmaster: Yes, well not this time, they’re having a meeting tonight and

I haven’t been invited. I think they’re trying to get rid of me. Terry: They can’t remove you, Cliff. Headmaster: Yes they can Terry. And if I go, you go. Terry: They won’t get rid of me, mate.

Anyway why do you let them upset you? Can’t you just sit back, relax and have a bit of fun.

Headmaster: Terry, I have responsibilities at this school. How can I relax? (Terry hands him a bottle of whisky) Headmaster: Yes, that’s a good start. Drink Terry? (offers to pour Terry a

glass.) Terry: (reveals a full glass): I’m away mate! Thanks anyway.


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You know with all these problems, all these worries. It’d be great to be a schoolboy again?

Headmaster: Oh, it certainly would. Terry: They’ve got to be the best years of your life. Headmaster (dreamily): Hmmmmm …….. SONG: GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS Headmaster: YES, THEY WERE SUCH GOOD TIMES, Terry: NOW THEY’RE SO FAR AWAY. Both: BRING THEM BACK, AND LET’S RELIVE OUR SCHOOLBOY, (Plus choir) GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS, THEY WERE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS. Headmaster: REMEMBER WHEN WE FIRST MET, WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO SCHOOL, Terry: OUR MOTHERS HAD TO TAKES US, ‘COS WE CRIED. Both: THEY LEFT US IN THE SCHOOL YARD, WE WERE SO ALONE AND SCARED,

WE HELD EACH OTHER’S HANDS, AND THEN BEGAN,

(Choir) WITH THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS, THEY WERE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS. Terry: IT WASN’T LONG BEFORE WE LEARNT, TO TODDLE OFF ALONE, Headmaster: OUR MOTHERS TEARFULLY WAVING AT THE GATE. Terry& Choir: BYE, BYE, BYE, BYE. Both: WE’D SKIP IN PUDDLES, GET IN TROUBLE, LAUGH AND SING AND PLAY. AND HOLD EACH OTHER’S HANDS, WE FELT SO BRAVE. (Choir) IN THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS, THEY WERE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS. Terry: YES THEY WERE SUCH GOOD TIMES.


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Both: NOW THEY’RE SO FAR AWAY. BRING THEM BACK AND LET’S RELIVE OUR SCHOOLBOY, (Choir) GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS THEY WERE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS. Headmaster: WHEN WE WERE OUT OF SHORT PANTS, IT WAS FOOTBALL, MATES AND SMOKES. Terry: A PACK BETWEEN US USED TO LAST A WEEK. Both: OUR MOTHERS LOST WHEN WE DISCOVERED GIRLS WERE SOFT AND SWEET.

WE’D KISS AND HOLD THEIR HANDS AND FEEL SO GRAND.

(Choir): IN THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS THEY WERE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS, IN THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS. (They sit, reflecting. Terry finishes his drink in one gulp). Terry: They were great days, Cliff. Headmaster: Ah, they certainly were Terry. Terry: Well, I’ve got to go to a maths class. Headmaster: Another drink before you go? Terry: I can’t have a drink, Cliff, I’ve got an exam tomorrow. Headmaster: Don’t worry about it Terry, I can talk to your teacher. Terry: Clifford, you are so irresponsible. You seem to forget that I

am only a student. Headmaster: Terry! Terry: What? Headmaster: Piss off! (Headmaster tosses the fake hand at Terry.)

SCENE FOUR

(McBeth enters looking forlorn and begins singing to himself).


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SONG: NO FRIENDS McBeth: GUESS I HAVEN’T GOT ANY REAL FRIENDS, SUPPOSE I’VE GOT NONE COS I’M SO WEAK AND SMALL, I’VE NEVER REALLY HAD ANY REAL FRIENDS, BUT IT’S SO MUCH BETTER THAN HAVING NONE AT ALL HAVING NO FRIENDS AT ALL, I’VE GOT NO FRIENDS AT ALL. (Terry enters during McBeth’s forlorn song.) Terry (sympathetically): What’s the matter, Morrie? McBeth: Why does everybody hate me, Terry? Terry: Nobody hates you Morrie, you’re just the new kid. Anyway I

like you! (Terry removes his shorts and finds an old steam iron in a desk.) McBeth: Do you really? Terry: Sure I do… iron these for me, would you? McBeth: OK, Terry. (Terry hands it all to then he produces a razor and a mirror lathers up and starts to shave.) Terry: When I was your age I was a little goody-goody too. I always

had my head stuck inside a book; none of the other kids would ever talk to me. Not even you’re father.

McBeth: He ignores me as well! Terry: Well, to be honest Morrie, you’re dad was never one of my

favourites. Anyway, one day I decided to throw away all those books and go out into the world to discover.

McBeth: And what did you find Terry? Terry: Women, Morrie. When I was your age son, I used to think

they were just soft boys. I soon found out, when I got the Tuck shop lady pregnant, I became a bloody hero at this school.

McBeth: Really? So, do you think I should have children?


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Terry: I wouldn’t rush into it if I were you, son. You see I’ve had a lot more experience than you. I mean, I was a father at fifteen, plus, I’ve been at this school now for thirty-six years!

McBeth (amazed): No! Why have you stayed at school that long Terry? Terry: Kids today amaze me. Do you know what it is like outside of

school? (Morrie shakes his head) It’s horrible, read a paper! McBeth: But you can’t stay at school forever? Terry: I can! McBeth: But the fees? Terry: Luckily my dear wife left me a small fortune when she

passed away. So I gave it to the School as a gift, in exchange for our board and education.(laughs to himself) They’ve been waiting nearly forty years for us to graduate. But, unfortunately we all have this terrible habit of failing.

McBeth (impressed): That’s brilliant! Terry: I am also eligible for the widower’s pension, plus, I get a

child allowance until the twins graduate. So all up I clear about $400 a week .So I give the boys a dollar each for pocket money.

. McBeth: But, why do you only give them a dollar? Terry: Because I‘m their father, Morrie. McBeth (disappointed): That’s not very fair, Terry! Terry (defensive): So! (Hunt has been eavesdropping on their conversation) Hunt: I heard all that. The only reason you don’t want to leave

school is because you‘re afraid my father’s going to get you! Terry: Ha – ha! Hunt: Ha-ha yourself. He said he’s gonna get you. Terry: Son, your father’s been trying to get me ever since I filled his

school desk with cold sick. Hunt Yuk., you’re a sicko Shakespeare . (They exit)


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SCENE SIX (A distant voice is heard above thunder) Voice (off): Would the Members of the School Board please come to

order! (Three shadowy figures appear, they are Mr Hunt, Mrs Hunt and Mr McBeth, Elston enters and can’t see clearly in the gloom) Elston: Hello….. it’s Ronnie Elston..… Am I in the right place?

Mr Hunt: Ahh! Elston. The name‘s Hunt!

Elston (obsequiously): Oh Mr Hunt, Charles’father? He’s doing very well in his

studies.

Mrs Hunt: Don’t lie to us Elston, our son’s an idiot.

Mr Hunt: My wife Daphne.

Elston: Nice to meet you Mrs Hunt. Mr Hunt: And this is our new Board member, Mr McBeth. Mr McBeth: Morries father?

Mr McBeth (abrupt): I am! Elston: He’s such a wonderful student, not at all like the other boys. Mr McBeth (gruffly): Yep, he’s different?

Mr Hunt: Can we get down to business? Elston, would you be

interested in becoming the head of this school?

Elston: But… we have a Headmaster ?

Mr McBeth: True! But he’s going. Mr Hunt (gloating): ……And so are the Shakespeares. Elston: Why?

Mrs Hunt: They cost us a fortune. Mr Hunt: And, it’ll teach Terry not to throw up in my desk. Mr McBeth: Anyway Mrs Hunt reckons you’re the right man for the job. Elston: Me! But why?


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Mrs Hunt: Because you’re a woman! Elston (flabbergasted): What?….but I…how could you…????.

Mrs Hunt: You don’t remember me do you Veronica ?

Elston: Veronica ? No ones called me that since……

Mrs Hunt: School? Remember the school hockey team?

Elston: No!…It’s not Daphne Pongrass ? Mrs Hunt: Hello Ronnie. Elston: Oh dear, I feel so embarrassed…but you see, I just couldn’t

find work and Dunsinane were only hiring men, so… Mrs Hunt: There’s nothing to be ashamed of Veronica… you’ll make a

wonderful Headmistress.

Elston (blathering): I was so desperate …….. Headmistress?

Mr McBeth: That’s right Ronnie, next year Dunsinane going to become Birnam Wood Ladies College.

Elston: What for girls?

Mr McBeth: Of course it’s for girls. Mr Hunt: There’s a lot of money in girls.

Mrs Hunt: So just play the man for a few weeks more. All (sing): WELL GOODBYE MR ELSTON

THERE’S NOTHING MORE TO SAY TO YOU NEXT YEAR YOU’LL BE THE NUMBER ONE THE NEW HEADMISTRESS HAS BEGUN

Elston: I’LL MAKE IT ALL COME TRUE (The Board members huddle conspiratorially) Mrs Hunt: Do you think we should have told Veronica about Morrie.

Mr McBeth: The times not right for Veronica to know everything. Mr Hunt: But together they’ll destroy Shakespeare. (They exit cackling like witches)


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SCENE SEVEN (Headmaster enters with golf clubs he switches on the PA, then practices his golf swing. Mid swing Elston enters) Elston (shouts excitedly): Headmaster ! (The Head nearly swings himself inside out. He is furious with Elston’s loud entrance) Headmaster (fuming): Yes, Elston. What do you want? Elston: I was wondering if you would spare a moment please? Headmaster (disinterested): No! Elston: But I’ve got some really tragic news to tell you. Headmaster: Really? Elston: Yes, I’m leaving the school. Headmaster: Goodbye! Elston: No not now, next year. Headmaster: What a pity. Elston: Yes, I’m going to become a Headmistress. Headmaster: Headmistress, good luck! (The Headmaster hasn’t listened to a word Elston has said. He is totally focussed on his golf game. Elston starts to leave, mystified at the lack of response) Elston: Yes….well I’m glad you’re so understanding Headmaster: Elston! Before you go and have your sex change. Might you

have given a little thought to the school play? Elston: Oh the school play? What about something really

contemporary like The Vagina Monologues. Headmaster (explodes): Don’t be ridiculous…What has happened to you Elston? I’ve

chosen the play! Now what do you say to Macbeth? Elston: Well usually.. just ‘hello Morrie’….. Headmaster (seething): I meant the play Macbeth. Elston: Oh the play … well, why didn’t you say so? I’ve never

directed that.


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Headmaster: Well you are not going to direct it. Elston: But I am the Head of Drama. Headmaster: No way! Not after last year’s little fiasco. Elston: But last year was a stunning success! Headmaster: “Little Women” in a boys’ school? Elston: It was an experiment. Headmaster: Well you’re not going to experiment on my boys. Elston: If I’m not going to direct it, who is? Headmaster: Terry Shakespeare! Elston: Terry Shakespeare? He couldn’t direct traffic. Headmaster: Elston, if he directs Macbeth , I can give him a pass mark and

Dunsinane will be rid of him forever. Elston (aside): Why does everybody want to ruin Shakespeare? (Knock on the door, Terry enters) Terry: Good morning Boss. What’s up? Headmaster: Terry, Mr Elston and I have been discussing the school play. Terry: Please Boss, don’t let him do Little Women again! Elston: But Terry, you were wonderful as the mother. Terry: Thanks a lot mate, it took me months to live that down. Did

you know I had to change pubs? Headmaster: Yes, well you won’t have to worry about that , because this

year I’ve decided that we’re doing the play that you’ve been studying for your finals.

Terry: Oh yeah, which one is that then? Headmaster: You haven’t read it have you? Terry: Well I just don’t have the time, Cliff. What with the

twins…you know.


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Headmaster: Yes….. well in an attempt to make you read the play, I have decided that you’re going to direct it.

Terry (mock laughter): I couldn’t direct traffic! Elston: See! Headmaster: Well you’re just going to have to learn. Terry: Why me? Headmaster (whispers): Because you’ve got to help me impress the Board. Terry: Oh the Board’s involved. I suppose Charles Hunt is going to

be the lead? Elston The boy’s an idiot. Headmaster: Elston! ( Elston suddenly realises he’s made a faux pas) Elston: That’s what his mother said. (A knock on the door,Charles Hunt enters) Headmaster: Ah Charles, come in. Hunt: Hello, sir, it’s just me, sir. (Terry screams and ducks for cover.) Terry: Aeaaaagh!!!!! Hunt (bewildered): Sorry, Head, sir. Headmaster: Charles…….I just.. (Terry continues screaming) Terry: Nobody panic, it’s just escaped from the circus. I need a

phone! Headmaster (ignoring Terry): Charles, my dear boy………! (Terry picks up the Headmaster’s phone) Terry: Hello, is that the circus? Something horrible just walked into

our school. It’s about two metres tall and really ugly. I think you’ll need a gun to kill it.


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Headmaster: Ignore him Charles. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to watch you batting out there on the field the other day.

Hunt: And I can’t tell you, Sir, how proud I was to be out there

batting for the school, Sir. (Terry is sickened by the ingratiating behaviour of the Head and Hunt, so he makes crawling gestures behind their backs) Terry: Excuse me, I don’t want to interrupt you two, do you mind if

I just pop outside, I think I’m going to throw up. (Terry exits to be sick.)

Headmaster: Don’t worry about him Charles, because the staff (gesturing

to Elston) and I have been having a little chat and we’ve decided that you are going to play Macbeth.

(Terry makes sounds of throwing up over the PA system) Hunt: Play McBeth, oh good show sir, what sport will that be in

then sir, I can beat him at anything … Elston: No, Hunt. It’s the play Macbeth, not the student McBeth. Hunt: Have they written a play about Morris McBeth, sir? Headmaster: No, Charles, it’s a play by Shakespeare. Hunt: Can Terry Shakespeare write sir? Elston (exasperated): Not Terry Shakespeare, William Shakespeare! Hunt: Who’s he? Headmaster: Charles, don’t worry lad, because I‘ll be on stage there with

you. Hunt: Oh goody. Headmaster: Yes. I myself shall be playing McDuff. Elston: Well can I play Lady MacBeth? Headmaster( chortles): If you must. Hunt (to Elston): Sir, I think you would make a wonderful woman, sir. Elston: Do you think so Hunt? I wonder what I’ll wear? Hunt: Headmaster, Sir! Am I going to be playing the hero sir?


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Headmaster: Yes, of course, you are my boy. You see … SONG: EVERYBODY LOVES A HERO Headmaster: EVERYBODY LOVES A HERO, ESPECIALLY WHEN

IT’S A BOY LIKE HUNT, Hunt: Thank you sir Headmaster: PEOPLE PAY TO SEE, A MAN LIKE HIM Hunt: Or me. Headmaster: HE’LL FILL THE THEATRE JUST WAIT AND SEE Hunt: IT ISN’T HOW YOU PLAY TO WIN , IT’S HOW YOU PLAY THE PLAY AND I SHALL PLAY TO WIN THE DEATH I’LL GO TO GYM AND OIL MY SKIN THE AUDIENCE I’LL SLAY COS I WOULD MAKE THE PERFECT MACBETH All: BECAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES A HERO Hunt: IT’S SOMETHING THAT COMES NATURALLY TO ME, I LOOK AT MY REFLECTION AND SOMETIMES ASK THE QUESTION WHY IS THERE JUST ONE OF ME. Elston: I’VE PLAYED GINGER ROGERS, JUDY GARLAND,

BARBARA STREISAND TOO I’D BE PERFECT PLAYING LADY MACBETH Headmaster: You! Elston: Me!

ALL MY WIGS AND DRESSES NEVER FAIL TO THRILL THE BOYS,

I’LL KILL THEM WITH MY LADY MACBETH. Headmaster: What a hideous way to go. Elston: I KNOW MY PART’S DEMANDING Headmaster: Really! Elston: BUT DRAMATICALLY IT’S JUST ME TO PLAY A TRAGIC QUEEN JUST SEEMS TO BE MY SCENE

MACBETH AND ME COULD MAKE THE PERFECT TEAM


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(Chorus offstage) THEY FOUND A HERO FOUND A LADY PARTS THAT THEY DESERVE SO THEY WILL PLAY THEIR ROLES AS WELL AS THEY CAN. All: WE FOUND A HERO, FOUND A LADY, PARTS THAT WE DESERVE, SO WE WILL … Headmaster: PLAY OUR ROLES AS WELL AS WE … Elston: SHOW OUR PARTS AS MUCH AS WE … All: PART OUR ROLES AS WELL AS WE CAN … Hunt: SHE IS MY LADY. Headmaster: PLAY OUR ROLES AS MUCH AS WE … Elston: ROLE OUR PARTS AS WELL AS WE … All: SHOW OUR PARTS AS MUCH AS WE CAN … (Headmaster and Elston dance off singing leaving Hunt onstage) All: FOUND A HERO, FOUND A LADY, PART THAT WE DESERVE, SO WE WILL PLAY OUR ROLES AS WELL AS WE CAN. (Terry, S.S. and Dopey enter from opposite side of stage, repeatedly singing) Shakespeares: THEY FOUND AN APE, THEY FOUND A FAIRY, PARTS THAT THEY DESERVE, SO THEY WILL PLAY THE ROLES AS WELL AS THEY CAN (As Headmaster and Elston leave, the Shakespeares sing their version of the song)

SCENE SEVEN

(Hunt, McBeth and the Shakespeares come together on stage) Hunt: Excuse me, Terry, may I have a brief word with you please?


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Terry: Certainly Charles. Hunt: The Head has just informed me that we will be working

together rather closely, on the school play. So how about we just forget about our little differences and become pals, eh, what do you say? Shake on it.

(Terry takes Hunts hand and spits in it. Hunt is disgusted) Terry: You’re a real crawler Hunt, you’re just sucking up to me so

that you can get a part in my play. Hunt: But I already have a part. Terry: Don’t tell me, is it a play about an escaped gorilla. Hunt: No! It’s a play about Macbeth. And I’m the lead. Terry (points to McBeth): Oh well that’s great. So who is he playing? Hunt: Who? Terry: McBeth! Hunt: I don’t know? Terry: Listen, if somebody writes a play about McBeth don’t you

think McBeth should get to be in the bloody play. McBeth what is Macbeth about?

McBeth: It’s one of Shakespeare’s greatest tragedies. Dopey: Right! Terry (despairingly): Yes, I know how he felt. Hunt: If you know so much, what sort of person was this Macbeth? McBeth: He was a brave Scottish warrior, who fought his king’s

enemies and……… (Hunt is pleased with this description until) Terry: … put on ladies underwear and wore a red nose. Hunt (offended): What? Terry: Well that’s the way I see it Hunt. I’m the director.


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Hunt: Terry you’re just trying to make a fool of me , I’m going to tell on you. Sir!

(Hunt runs off stage) McBeth: Listen Shaker, if you need a hand with the play, I’ve just been

studying the piece. Terry: Thanks, Morrie. The last time I read Macbeth was 20 years

ago. Will you help? McBeth: I’ll help. But do you think I could get to a part in the play,

Shaker, maybe a walk on. Terry: A walk on? Morrie if you help me, you’ll get to play

Macbeth. McBeth: But what about Hunt? Terry; I’ll fix him. McBeth: How are you going to do that? Terry: It’s easy. You see, we’re going to play the three wicked

witches, I’ll just wave my magic wand. (Terry produces a wand S.S. and Dopey arrive in witches hats) McBeth: But … Terry: Trust me Morrie, it’s magic … SONG: MAKE YOU A STAR Shakespeares: WE ARE THE WICKED WITCHES THE REALLY WICKED WITCHES Terry: I’LL WAVE MY WAND AND YOU’LL GO FAR, MORRIE MCBETH, YOU’LL BE A STAR McBeth: THANK YOU FOR BEING KIND TO ME, I KNOW THAT IT CAN’T TRUE, NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED ME, Shakespeares: YOU’LL BE THE BIGGEST THING IN DUNSINANE NO ONE WILL EVER FORGET YOUR NAME. YOU’LL STAND UP THERE UPON THE STAGE, MORRIE MCBETH WILL BE THE LATEST RAGE.


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(Chorus) BECAUSE THE THREE WICKED WITCHES GONNA MAKE YOU A STAR

YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE, WE’RE THE THREE WICKED WITCHES, GONNA PUSH

YOU SO FAR, WE KNOW YOU’RE A STAR. McBeth: I’M GOING TO MAKE THE BIG TIME Shakespeares: YOU’LL BE THERE IN SUCH A SHORT TIME, WITH US YOU’LL BE THE NUMBER ONE. JUST STICK WITH SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS. McBeth: THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU’VE PROMISED ME, WHY SHOULD YOU BE SO KIND? I NEVER KNEW YOU CARED FOR ME. Shakespeares: YOU’LL BE THE BIGGEST NAME THAT EVER HIT

THE HEIGHTS, MORRIE MCBETH UP THERE IN THE LIGHTS. (Chorus) BECAUSE THE THREE WICKED WITCHES GONNA

MAKE YOU A STAR. YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE YES THE THREE WICKED WITCHES GONNA PUSH

YOU SO FAR WE KNOW YOU’RE A STAR. McBeth: I’M GOING TO MAKE THE BIG TIME Shakespeares: YOU’LL BE THERE IN SUCH A SHORT TIME WITH US YOU’LL BE THE NUMBER ONE JUST STICK WITH SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS. McBeth: THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU’VE DONE. (A bell starts ringing) Terry: Everyone off to rehearsals. (They all exit)

SCENE EIGHT

(Elston enters wearing ballet tights, leg warmers etc. He begins doing ballet exercises, warming up and recites a soliloquy, thoroughly over acting.)


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Elston: To be or not to be, that is the question, Whether t’is nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows Of outrageous fortune, To die, to sleep perchance to dream….. (Elston lapses into singing) The impossible dream. (Hunt enters, wearing shorts and singlet. He runs on stage puffing with exhaustion) Hunt: Isn’t this just typical of Shakespeare, Sir. I mean to keep us

waiting like this. I could have been down at the gymnasium or the swimming pool or even at rugger practise.

Elston I wish you were Hunt! (Terry enters carrying a megaphone; S.S. carries a folding director’s chair and Dopey is on his skate board pretending to film with a small digital camera) Terry: Alright sweeties, quiet on the set! Let’s get on with this

rehearsal. Elsie baby, if you wouldn’t mind standing on the prompt side of the stage, and Hunt maybe you could help us out by rolling up the school flag.

Hunt: Righto Terry. Terry: And when you’ve done that, why don’t you stick it up your

arse. Hunt: Right that’s it … (Hunt grabs Terry by the throat just as the Headmaster enters) Headmaster (beaming): I hope I’m not interrupting anything . Terry (choking): Oh feel free, Boss. Interrupt. Headmaster: What were you doing then Charles? Hunt (tongue tied): Well sir, I, um, er … Terry: I’ll explain Charles. You see, we were just rehearsing that

wonderful scene where Hunt is about to have sex with the head witch. But we haven’t finished yet, have we Charles ?

Hunt (confused): No? (Terry kisses Hunt full on the lips and speaks in a falsetto voice ) Terry: I love you too Macbeth, but I’m not that sort of witch.


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(Hunt is mortified, he spits as if poisoned) Headmaster: Terry! Who has it off with the head witch? Terry: Macbeth. Headmaster: Macbeth? (McBeth races forward to Headmaster) McBeth: Yes, sir? Headmaster: No, not you McBeth, I am speaking about Macbeth – the

character in the play Macbeth, (Unsure) I think, ….wasn’t I Terry?

Terry: Isn’t that amazing you should spot my biggest problem sir. Headmaster: And what’s that? Terry: Well you see every time I say Macbeth, two Macbeth’s walk

on stage. Headmaster: Ah I see. (Pondering), too many Macbeth’s, mmm … Hunt: Sir, I could have the solution to this little problem. Headmaster: Yes, Charles? Hunt: Why don’t we simply change the name of the play to

something like, Shakespeare’s Hunt. Elston: Don’t be ridiculous. Terry: No, hang on, that is not as stupid as it sounds. I like it –

Shakespeare’s Hunt. Headmaster: You can’t change the name of the play! Besides Hunt isn’t

Scottish. Terry: Oh he was Scottish, wasn’t he! Well what about Mac-… (The Headmaster urgently interrupts Terry) Headmaster: Terry! I know where you’re going, so you can stop it right

now. For the last time, the name of the play is Macbeth and Macbeth it shall be.

Terry: OK, I see. So the name of the play is Macbeth and McBeth it

will be?


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Headmaster: Thank you. (The Headmaster confident he has solved the confusion marches out) Terry: Did everyone hear that? Morrie, the Boss just gave you the

job. McBeth: It came true! Hunt (whining): But I was given that role. Terry: Hunt, look I’m the director and you know what director’s do?

They tell people what to do, right! Hunt: Right? Terry: So – piss off! (Hunt is shocked and hurries off to tell the Headmaster) Hunt: Oh, ooh … Sir, sir! (Terry sits in his Director’s chair) Terry: Cast ready? Everybody into position ? Can I have McBeth

over next to Lady Macbeth? Thank you very much my darlings. Cameras ready, lighting reading, makeup ready, roll cameras, and go.

(Dopey holds up his digi-cam and skate boards towards the Macbeth’s. S.S. follows with his portable lighting rig *It would be great if these pictures could be projected live onto a large screen) Dopey: Right! Elston: Go where? Terry; Cut! Look Elsie, I’ve done my bit, how about you just act and

I’ll watch, right? Elston: Right? Terry: S.S…. Call this Take two. ( S.S. takes out a clapper board and attempts to call the take) S.S.: Take W-w-w-o-o ..take woo… Terry: This is going to take all bloody day, just forget it! Roll

cameras and action.


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(Dopey rolls right up to Elston and takes a close up.S.S. holds a portable light so close it almost blinds the actors ) Dopey: Right! Elston: (blinded) Act what? S.S.: C-C-c-cu-cu …( gives up and tries to say ‘stop’)…… dop. Terry (to audience): Dop! He’s getting closer isn’t he? (Terry strolls over to Elston) Terry: Act what? Act the bloody play, Elsie? (to S.S.) Don’t call it anything….just clap the scene, and roll

the camera. ( S.S. looks hurt but claps the scene anyway) Elston: Terry, act with what? S.S. (finally): Cut! Terry (impressed): His first word. (Terry approaches Elston) Terry: What’s the big hassle Elsie baby? Elston: Well, Terry baby we must have scripts. (Terry snaps his fingers to S.S., who immediately produces a packet of crisps. He hands them to Terry who passes them to Elston) Elston (sibilantly): No, not crisps, scripts (Terry wipes his face of spittle then turns to S.S.) Terry (equally sibilantly): No no no, not crisps, scrisps. (S.S wipes his face and turns and just spits on Dopey. Terry turns back to Elston) Terry: No! Elston: No what? Terry (sprays sibilantly): No scrisps. ( Elston wipes his face)


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Elston: But Terry we must have scrisps …! (Terry and sons are about to be showered with spittle, but Dopey times it perfectly by erecting an umbrella to protect his family from the word ..’scrisps’) Terry: Listen to me Elsie baby. You have to understand, I am more

of a method director. You see, a lot of other actors cheat by reading the words and then saying them. What my actors do is, they say the words and I write them down. After all, that’s the way ‘Russel Crowe’ works.

Elston: Of course he doesn’t. Terry: He does, you go and see “Gladiator”, he made it all up as he

went along. Elston: Oh don’t be silly Terry. Terry: Go and see the film, you can tell. McBeth: But you’re the director, you’re supposed to tell us what to do. (Enters Headmaster followed by Hunt) Headmaster: Alright Terry, what’s this I hear about you changing the roles. Charles tells me, he’s not playing Macbeth. Terry (turns to S.S.): Continuity! Who exactly is McBeth? (S.S. skips across stage and points to Morris McBeth) S.S.: H-He is d-d-dad … (Headmaster picks up S.S. by the seat of his trousers and tosses him out. As he returns he is closely followed by S.S. who mimics his every move) Headmaster: Why are you always contradicting me, Terry? Next you’ll say

I can’t play McDuff. (Terry switches into his best conman role ,buttering up the Head) Terry: What you sir? Not play McDuff. But you’re one of the greats. Headmaster (embarrassed): Noooo! Terry: Quite honestly Boss, I see you up there with all those famous

names. Crowe….De Niro….Lassie. Headmaster: Lassie! I don’t do dog parts anymore Terry.


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Terry: I know, but who could ever forget your Nanna to my Peter Pan. You were a great dog.

Headmaster (humbly): I was good wasn’t I? Terry: Good, you were fabulous. Headmaster (dreamily): Woof! (realises he has dropped his guard ) Yes well …… what are we going to do about Charles? Terry: In my honest opinion, he’s wrong for the part. Headmaster: But the Board, Terry. Terry (resiled): You want to please the Board? Headmaster: I do. Terry: For you, I’ll make him Macbeth. Headmaster: Good. (Terry and the Headmaster shake hands) Terry: Come back in ten minutes. I’ll run a scene you won’t believe. (The Headmaster exits ,a heart broken McBeth approaches Terry) McBeth: But Terry, you promised. Elston: Yes Terry, you did promise. Terry (confidentially): Look, it is not my fault. Cliff has to please the Board and

Hunt’s dad is the Chairman. Elston: But Morrie is right for the part. Terry: I know, but his dad isn’t on the Board is he? (Elston and McBeth both look flustered) Elston & McBeth: No! Terry: Trust me Morrie. (a disconsolate McBeth exits) Moving right along. We‘ll rehearse the scene where Lady

Macbeth is standing on the beach in Scotland. Do you know that scene Charles?

Hunt (unsure): Yessss????? Terry: … and she is waiting for you. Macbeth, her Maori warlord.


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Elston: But Terry, there are no Maoris in Macbeth? Terry: I know. Shakespeare just forgot…. and Lady Macbeth sings

him this wonderful love song when he steps out of his canoe. Elston: Canoe? Terry: Mmmm. And she tells him how to kill Duncan, the King of

the other tribe. Elston: Terry I ‘m not sure about this. Terry: That‘s a pity, I thought you‘d look lovely in a grass skirt. Elston: Do I get to wear a grass skirt? Terry: Mmmm. Elston: Oh! That love scene. (Elston and Hunt exit to dress for their big scene. McBeth enters alone and sings) SONG: NO FRIENDS McBeth: I THOUGHT I’D FOUND A REAL FRIEND,

‘COS I LIKED YOU AND I THOUGHT YOU CARED FOR ME, I SHOULD’VE KNOWN YOU WEREN’T MY REAL FRIEND,

‘COS YOU BROKE ALL OF YOUR PROMISES TO ME. I’VE STILL GOT NO FRIENDS AT ALL. HAVING NO FRIENDS AT ALL. (Terry and his sons enters as McBeth finishes the song) Terry: What’s the matter Morrie? McBeth: You’ve ripped me off, Terry, just like you rip off your own

two sons. (The boys prick their ears up) Terry: Oh, easy! McBeth: Why did you do it, Terry? Terry: Not another prima donna. I told you everything was going to

be sweet.


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McBeth: I see, another promise. You’re just like my father. I thought you were someone special, well you’re not. Do you know what you really are, Mr Shakespeare?

Terry: Mr. What? McBeth: You’re just middle aged. (McBeth storms off in tears) Terry: What upset him? S.S.: We think he’s ri-ri-right. (S.S. and Dopey move in on Terry) Terry: Are you two kids ganging up on your old Dad are you? (Terry falls to the stage feigning a heart attack) Terry: Oh my heart! (The boys are distressed but suddenly realise Terry is holding his right hand side) Terry (realising): Sorry! Wrong side. (Terry covers his heart as the Headmaster enters) Headmaster: What scene are you rehearsing now, Terry? (Terry makes a complete recovery and leaps to his feet) Terry: Oh, you’re back. Headmaster: You said ten minutes. Terry: Ten minutes? Oh that’s right.. ( yells off) Are you two ready

yet? Elston & Hunt (off): Yes. Ready. (Elston peeks around the curtains and cheekily bares a leg , then dances on wearing a Hawaiian skirt, coconut bra and leis. Elston is reading from “Collected Shakespeare” and is overacting dreadfully) Elston: Great Glamis! Worthy Cawdor! Greater than both, by the all-hail hereafter! Thy letters have transported me beyond This ignorant present, and I feel now The future in the instant.


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Hunt (off): My love, Duncan comes here tonight. Elston: And whence goes hence? Hunt: Forthwith, as he porpoises. Elston: Oh, he’s swimming is he? (Hunt enters in a loincloth; covered in Maori war paint he holds a paddle and has a plastic inflatable canoe around his middle. Chorus in hula skirts etc enter to dance.) SONG: PINEAPPLE PRINCESS Hunt: OH MY PINEAPPLE PRINCESS, LOVELY HULA HIPS, I REALLY LIKE YOUR NEW DRESS, LOVE YOUR HULA HIPS. I’VE ROWED DIRECTLY FROM TONGA, IT REALLY TAKES MUCH LONGER THAT WAY. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO. (Elston and Hunt meet) Elston: O MY SWEET MAORI LORD, I’LL MAKE YOU A KING, JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD, (Elston produces a knife) Elston: THIS IS ALL YOU NEED. YOU TAKE A KNIFE TO THE CASTLE, STAB THE KING IN THE …….TOWER AND YOU’LL BE, MY LOVELY ISLAND KING OF EVERYTHING. (Elston stuffs the knife down Hunt’s loincloth) Elston: WHAT A TEAM WE’LL MAKE. Hunt: COONEY WAK A HOI. Elston: Speak English Hunt. WHEN WE CUT UP THE CAKE. Hunt: I LOVE YOUR HULA HIPS. Elston: Thank you dear. Hunt: THEN SCOTLAND IS OURS, Elston: NEW ZEALAND AS WELL. AND YOU’LL BE


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Both: MY LOVELY ISLAND KING OF EVERYTHING. (Elston steps into Hunt’s plastic canoe and they paddle in unison) Hunt: KING AND QUEEN OF NEW ZEALAND. Elston: AND SCOTLAND AS WELL. I’LL MAKE YOU HAGGIS IN A HUNGI. Hunt: I DINNA CAN STAND THE SMELL. Elston: WELL YOU TAKE THE HIGH ROAD, Hunt: AND I’LL TAKE THE LOW ROAD, (Elston and Hunt face in opposite directions and paddle) Both: BY YON BONNY BANKS AND BY THE BUBBLING MUD POOLS, BY A LOCH DOWN IN ROTORUA. COME AWAY, COME AWAY … Hunt: COONEY WAK A HOI … (Elston and Hunt dance off. Headmaster follows them to the exit, dumbfounded) Terry: What d’you reckon Cliff? Headmaster (stunned): I really don’t know what to say Terry. Terry: Yes, it is different, isn’t it? (Terry confides in the Head) Cliff is it my imagination, or has Elston got a great body? Headmaster ( exasperated): What are you talking about? Terry, what are the School

Captain and the Drama Master doing dressed up as hula-hula girls?

Terry: Who knows? You wanted Hunt as Macbeth. So when the

School Board asks me why they’re dressed up like that, I’ll just tell them it was your idea.

Headmaster (worried): Let’s not be hasty. What do you suggest? Terry: If you want my honest opinion, I think McBeth should play

Macbeth, for three major reasons. One, he’s got great charisma, two, he’s got a great feel for theatre and three, he’s the only bloody kid in the whole school who’s read the play.

Headmaster: Good point! (calling) McBeth? (McBeth steps forward)


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McBeth: Yes, sir? Headmaster: Son, I have decided that you are Macbeth. McBeth (puzzled): I am, sir? Headmaster: Yes, you are. McBeth (confused): Thank you sir. Terry: Good. Now will you break the bad news to Hunt please, Sir? Headmaster: Charles? (Hunt enter, dressed in his loincloth, he has cold cream on his face to remove the face paint) Hunt: Yes sir? Headmaster: Charles, Terry and I have been having a talk and we’ve

decided that perhaps you’d be better suited in another role. Hunt: Oh pooh, Sir. Headmaster: Don’t fret lad. Hunt: I shan’t sir. But I will have to tell my father sir. Headmaster (panicking): No, Charles! I am sure that Terry can find you a better part.

Can’t you Terry? Terry: I’ve got a lovely juicy part picked out for Hunt, Sir. Hunt (snotty): Yes… well what’s that? Terry: Duncan! Headmaster (relieved): Duncan! Great part. Hunt: Who’s he? Headmaster: He’s the … ah, Terry? Terry: He’s the King of Scotland. Hunt: A king! Oh goody sir, I’m getting to play a king. Headmaster: Perfect!


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SONG: STRIKE ME LUCKY Hunt: I’M SO LUCKY, I’M A LUCKY THING Headmaster: HUNT MY BOY, YOU’RE GOING TO BE THE KING. Hunt: LUCKY, LUCKY, I’M THE LUCKY ONE. Headmaster: YOU’RE SO LUCKY, LUCKY MY SON. (Music vamps under. Headmaster takes Terry aside). Headmaster (stage whisper): Doesn’t Duncan get murdered in the second act? Terry: Yep! Headmaster (resigned): Oh well, that’s show biz. (Elston and McBeth enter and sing) Elston: OH I’M GONNA BE YOUR LADY DEAR. McBeth: AND I’M GONNA BE YOUR LORD. Both: WE’RE GOING TO MAKE A HANDSOME COUPLE. Shakespeares: BUT THREE WICKED WITCHES, WE’LL BOIL UP A BREW, AND WE’LL GIVE IT TO YOU. BOIL UP A BREW, AND WE’LL GIVE IT TO YOU. Terry: WE’RE OFF TO DO THE PLAY MACBETH, WE’RE ONLY SCHOOLBOYS DOING OUR BEST,

POOR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S DOWN, UPON HIS KNEES

Dopey & S.S.: SO PASS IT ROUND AND PRAY FOR Terry: WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, IF YOU WERE HERE I HOPE YOU’D LAUGH WITH ME, YOUR TRAGEDY’S BECOME, A SCHOOLBOY FARCE, FORGIVE ME PLEASE OH WILLIAM. (The rest of the cast enter and join Terry in the chorus) All cast and Choir: WE ARE THE BOYS, WE ARE THE BOYS, WE ARE THE BOYS OF OLD DUNSINANE. (Repeated until all have exited. Bell rings)

INTERVAL


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Boys Own McBeth

Act Two

SCENE ONE (Mr McBeth and Mr and Mrs Hunt enter and sit to one side of the stage. The Headmaster steps from behind the small curtain ,he is dressed in mortarboard and academic gown.) Headmaster: My Lords and Ladies, your Excellency, Members of the

Board (waving) Mr Hunt, parents, friends of the College and um ….boys. Welcome to the end of term activities. Before we begin the play there are a few acknowledgements.

(He takes off his mortarboard and reads from notes placed in it) Headmaster: Firstly, to Mrs Jenkins and the Mother’s Club for the

refreshments. They were lovely as usual. Secondly, our librarian, Miss Graymalkin would like to thank Colonel Frampton for all he has done for her this year, and for giving her the entire works …( flustered he looks at his notes)

Headmaster: … of Charles Dickens. Terry: Pssst! (Terry’s hand appears around the curtain waiving a note. The Headmaster takes it) Headmaster: Excuse me one moment, please. (reads the note aloud)

There’s a message here to pass on congratulations to Mr and Mrs Hunt, parents of our School Captain, on the occasion of their recent marriage.

(There is a scream of laughter from behind the curtains, Terry grabs the Headmaster through the curtain and lifts him off his feet. The Headmaster struggles free and leaps behind the curtain, a scuffle ensues until the Headmaster is unceremoniously hurled back out onto the stage.) Headmaster: Sorry, Mr Hunt. (composing himself) The play tonight is

Macbeth, and this year the entire production has been under the direction of one of our older students. Terry Shakespeare.

(Terry pops his head out) Terry: G’day. Headmaster: Perhaps some of you will remember Terry from your own

school days, eh? The play tonight is all the boys’ own work so let’s hear it for, our boys own Macbeth!


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SCENE TWO (Terry Shakespeare is standing beside a smoking cauldron, he is dressed as a Witch ) SONG: WITCHES THEME Terry: THRICE THE BRINDED CAT HATH MEWED THRICE AND ONCE THE HEDGE-PIG WHINED, HARPIER CRIES: TIS TIME, TIS TIME. ROUND ABOUT THE CAULDRON GO, IN THE POISONED ENTRAILS THROW. (S.S. enters dressed as a Fairy in a tu- tu. Dopey arrives as an Elf on roller blades. They join Terry at the cauldron) All: SWELTERED VENOM, SLEEPING GOT, BOIL THOU FIRST IN THE CHARMED POT, DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE, FIRE BURN AND CAULDRON BUBBLE. S.S. & Dopey: WE’LL BOIL A BREW TO MAKE YOU SPEW, WE ARE THE WICKED WITCHES. (Terry throws various rubber insects and reptiles into the cauldron) All: FIRST A FILLET OF FENNY SNAKE IN THE CAULDRON BOIL AND BAKE EYE OF NEWT AND TOE OF FROG, WOOL OF BAT AND TONGUE OF DOG. ADDER’S FORK AND BLIND WORM’S STING, LIZARD’S LEG AND HOWLET’S WING, FOR A CHARM OF POWERFUL TROUBLE, LIKE A HELL BROTH BOIL AND BUBBLE. S.S. & Dopey: DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE, WE’RE GOING TO GIVE MACBETH SOME TROUBLE (S.S. produces a sandshoe and bra and Dopey a sock. They hurl them in the cauldron) S.S.: I’VE GOT A SANDSHOE Dopey: I’VE GOT A SOCK S.S.: I’VE GOT A BRA Both: LET’S CHUCK EM IN A POT. Terry: What are you two trying to do, ruin the play?


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S.S.: Who cares? We’re leaving school anyway, we’re getting a job!

Dopey: Bread. Right! Terry: A job! You two. Why? S.S.: ‘Cos you get all of the money. You’re ripping us off! Terry: Who told you that? S.S.: Who do you think? Terry: Bloody McBeth! (Terry continues with the song) Terry: OH WELL DONE, I COMMEND YOUR PAINS, AND EVERYONE SHALL SHARE IN THE GAINS. S.S. & Dopey: AND NOW ABOUT THE CAULDRON SING, LIKE ELVES AND FAIRIES IN A RING. All: ENCHANTING ALL THAT WE PUT IN. S.S. & Dopey: WE’RE ELVES AND FAIRIES IN A RING! Dopey: OH I’M AN ELF AND HE’S A FAIRY. S.S.: SHE’S A MOLL AND HE’S A MARY. All: ‘COS WE ARE, WE REALLY ARE, WE ARE THE WICKED FAIRIES. S.S.: LIVER OF BLASPHEMING JEW Terry: NEVER MIND, MACBETH’S WILL DO All: SLIVERED IN THE MOON’S ECLIPSE, NOSE OF TURK, AND A TARTAR’S LIPS. DOUBLE DOUBLE BOIL AND BUBBLE. S.S. & Dopey: WE’RE GONNA GIVE MACBETH SOME TROUBLE, BECAUSE WE ARE THE WISE AND WONDROUS DIRTY LITTLE WITCHES. Terry: BY THE PRICKING OF MY THUMBS, SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES. (a knock is heard)


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All: OPEN LOCKS , WHOEVER KNOCKS A DRUM, A DRUM, MACBETH DOTH COME, A DRUM, A DRUM, MACBETH DOTH COME. (They continue singing this line. Enter Morrie McBeth dressed as the Scottish warrior) McBeth: How, now, you black and midnight hags! (Terry, S.S. and Dopey beckon to McBeth ) Terry (Witches voice): McBeth! (Terry cackles, McBeth is hesitant to approach any closer) McBeth: What is it you do? Terry: A deed without a name. Cop this you little mongrel! (Terry grabs McBeth, upends him, and plunges him into the cauldron) Terry: A drum, a drum, McBeth hath gone. S.S.(concerned): What’d you do that for, dad? Terry: You said Morrie told you I was ripping you off! S.S.: No we didn’t, it was Mr Hunt who told us. Terry: Mr Hunt? (Terry helps Morrie out of the cauldron) Terry: I’m sorry, Morrie. I thought……. McBeth (tearfully): Why did you do that, Terry? One day when I grow up I’m

going to get you for this! (McBeth hurries off stage crying again) Terry (to S.S. & Dopey): That’s bloody lovely, isn’t it. What else did Mr Hunt have to

say? S.S.: He said it’s time we grew up and started thinking for

ourselves. Terry: Did he? OK. So, that’s it then. (Shaking hands with S.S. & Dopey) Dopey: Right!


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Terry: You’ll look after your brother, won’t you Shelley? S.S.: Yesss, D-D-dd-d-ad-d. (The boys slowly exit, sadly waving to their father) Terry: Well there they go. It’s hard to see your babies walk out of

your life. You bring them up and all the time you know that one day, you’re going to have to let go.

It’s a thankless job being a parent. (to audience) Surely you must understand, you’re all parents. Even Mr Hunt’s a parent. No don’t laugh, he is.

(to Mr Hunt) He’s got a son called Charles. (Terry starts to giggle) Mr Hunt! Do you know what the next scene in the play is? Duncan’s death scene. And guess who’s playing Duncan? Right! Your son Charles….. Mr Hunt, if anyone was born to die on stage, it’s Charles. He’s a natural.

(Terry exits, laughing and singing “William Shakespeare Please Forgive Me”) Terry: I’M OFF TO SCREW THE PLAY MACBETH WE’RE ONLY SCHOOLBOYS DOING OUR BEST, POOR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S DOWN UPON HIS

KNEES FORGIVE ME PLEASE DEAR WILLIAM.

SCENE THREE (McBeth enters and stands beside the cauldron) SONG: NO FRIENDS McBeth: I GUESS I HAVEN’T GOT ANY REAL FRIENDS, ‘SPOSE I’VE GOT NONE, ‘COS I’M SO WEEK AND

SMALL, I KNEW THEY COULDN’T BE MY REAL FRIENDS, ‘COS REAL FRIENDS COULD NEVER DO THOSE

THINGS TO ME, I’VE NEVER HAD FRIENDS BEFORE, I’VE STILL NO FRIENDS AT ALL. (Elston appears on a tower behind McBeth) Elston: MORRIE DEAR, CAN’T YOU SEE? THINGS IN YOU, I SEE IN ME. YES YOU’RE EVERYTHING TO ME, DEAR MORRIE, I LIKE YOU. (Elston suddenly disappears. McBeth sings to the empty tower)


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McBeth: AND I LIKE YOU TOO SIR, THANK YOU SIR, YOU’RE SO KIND, THEY’VE BEEN CRUEL, BUT I DON’T MIND. (Elston enters, dressed as Lady Macbeth wearing a long dress and wimple) Elston: YOU CAN TRUST SOMEONE LIKE ME. McBeth: JUST SAY YOU WON’T HURT ME. Elston: I WON’T HURT YOU MORRIE, I’VE REALLY NEVER HAD ANY REAL FRIENDS, BUT IF YOU’LL BE MY FRIEND, I’LL BE ONE OF YOURS. Both: WE’VE NEVER HAD ANY REAL FRIENDS, BUT IT’S SO MUCH BETTER THAN HAVING NONE AT

ALL. Elston: YOU’LL NEVER BE ON YOUR OWN. Both: TOGETHER WE’LL DO IT ALONE. Elston: MORRIE DEAR, CAN’T YOU SEE? I’VE GOT YOU AND YOU’VE GOT ME. Both: AND WE’RE EVERYTHING WE NEED. Elston: MORRIE I NEED YOU. McBeth: AND I NEED SOMEONE TOO, . McBeth: I’VE GOT YOU, YOU’VE GOT ME Both: I’VE GOT YOU AND WE’RE EVERYTHING WE NEED. I’VE GOT YOU, YOU’VE GOT ME, I’VE GOT YOU AND WE’RE EVERYTHING WE NEED. I’VE GOT A FRIEND IN YOU, YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME. Elston: Morrie there’s something I must tell you. McBeth: Sir! Elston: I just, can’t keep my secret any longer . McBeth: And what’s that sir? Elston: I’m a woman! McBeth: I knew that sir…


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Elston: You knew..but… how? McBeth: Women’s intuition sir. Elston: Don’t be silly Morrie. McBeth: Marie! (McBeth removes the school cap and releases her beautiful flowing locks) Elston (flabbergasted): Marie? ……Noooo.. you’re not a… woo… woo… McBeth: A woman! Yes I am sir. Elston: But if you’re a woman, why do you dress as a boy? McBeth: My father always wanted a son sir. That’s why he made me

come here, to make a man of me. Elston: Well that’s all about to change, because when Birnam Wood

comes to Dunsinane you can be exactly who you are, Marie. (Drum fill and song continues) Elston: WE ARE THE ROTTEN MACBETHS Both: WE’LL SEND THEM ALL TO THEIR DEATHS, THEN WE CAN STAY AND RUN THE SCHOOL. McBeth: THE GIRLS OF BIRNAM WOOD WILL RULE. Both: WE’LL MAKE IT ALL COME TRUE. (Elston and McBeth exit)

SCENE FOUR (Terry enters dressed as a schoolboy, carrying a large bag full of polystyrene balls) Terry: Hunt?.. Charles? Has anyone seen Charles? (Hunt enters wearing cricketing creams and carrying a bat) Hunt: Sorry I’m late, Terry. I’ve been down at the nets. Terry: Charles, your costume is perfect. How did you guess? Hunt: Guess what, Terry?


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Terry: That you are wearing the perfect outfit for Duncan, the King of Scotland.

Hunt: Come on, Terry. These are my cricketing creams. Terry: Really? How did you find out? Hunt: Find out what? Terry: That Duncan was the opening batsman for Scotland. Hunt: Was he? Terry: Yes! Hunt: Oh goody. Terry: Why don’t you go back stage pad up, put on your crown,

you’ll kill em with your Duncan act. (Hunt leaves the stage. Terry immediately puts up embossed sign on a stand reading “The Death of Duncan”) Terry (to audience): I know, but what can you do? He’s not very smart is he Mr

Hunt? Ladies and gentlemen, defying nature herself, Dunsinane presents the death of Charles Hunt. Sorry, I meant the death of Duncan.

(Hunt enters wearing a crown, medieval robes, cricketing creams, gloves, pads, and a cricket box worn as a codpiece, he carries a cricket bat) SONG: STRIKE ME LUCKY Hunt: STRIKE ME LUCKY , I’M A LUCKY THING. LOOK AT ME, I’M DUNCAN, I’M THE KING. LUCKY, LUCKY, I’M THE LUCKY ONE, STRIKE ME LUCKY, STRIKE ME LUCKY, I’M SO LUCKY, BOWL ONE UP AT ME. (Terry speaks from the stage, throwing balls to the audience) Terry: Roll up, roll up, chance your arm, hit the dummy, win a prize,

three balls twenty cents, roll up and kill the King! Have a go you can do it!

Hunt: STRIKE ME LUCKY, STRIKE ME AND SEE. Terry: You heard him, knock his block off and win a prize … Sorry

Madam (indicating a wide) No ball.


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(This continues to the actor’s discretion. Suddenly Terry shouts ‘Owzat’ and raises his finger. Hunt starts to leave) Terry: What are you doing, Hunt? Hunt: I’m out; I was caught at long on. Terry: Who got you? Hunt: McBeth got me. Terry: That’s right, Macbeth does get Duncan, doesn’t he? (to

audience) The boy’s an accidental genius. (to Hunt) You’d better hurry up and change.

Hunt: What for? Terry: You’re Banquo next. Hunt: Banquo? What does he do? Terry: Plays cricket …(aside) and dies. Hunt: Oh goody. (Hunt leaves. Headmaster’s head appears from behind the curtains) Headmaster: Ppsst! Terry: What? (Terry beckons to the Headmaster) Cliff, come here! Headmaster: No! Terry ( to audience): He’s a bit shy, but how about a big hand for our Headmaster,

Clifford Tobias. (Terry drags the Headmaster onstage in his underwear and dressing gown. The Headmaster is so embarrassed, he pretends not to be there.) Headmaster (aside): Terry, why is Hunt wearing cricketing gear? Terry: He’s playing Banquo. Headmaster: Banquo didn’t play cricket? Terry: I know Cliff, but you try telling Hunt that. Hunt (off stage): Ready to take the field, Terry! Terry: Cliff are you in this scene?


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Headmaster: No. Terry: Better get off stage, then. Headmaster: Yes of course ……(To the Board). Sorry Mr Hunt. (Headmaster makes an embarrassed exit) Terry: And now, as promised, the dismissal of Banquo as performed

by our very own prize idiot, Mr Hunt’s son, Charles. Hunt: I’VE BEEN DUNCAN, NOW I’M BANQUO PLAYING UNDER THE LIGHTS. I’VE BEEN TOLD TO DIG IN FOR THE NIGHT STRIKE ME LUCKY, I’M A LUCKY THING. STRIKE ME LUCKY, STRIKE ME AND SEE. I’M SO LUCKY BOWL ONE UP AT ME. Terry: You heard him, knock his head off. (Signalling for the lights

to be turned off. Blackout.) ‘Owzat! (lights come on, as Hunt makes his way back to the exit) What happened this time, Hunt?

Hunt: Not sure, Terry, but I think when the lights went out, I was

bowled around my legs. Terry: Never mind. One more chance, Hunt. Hunt: Oh super, Terry. Who shall I be this time? Terry: Let me see, who went next? Lady McDuff! Hunt: But isn’t Mr Elston playing Lady McDuff? Terry: Not anymore. Hunt: Why? Terry: He can’t play cricket. Hunt: Of course and I can! (Hunt turns to leave and stops) Terry?

What about a costume? Terry: Pardon? Hunt: Wouldn’t a lady cricketer wear something different? Terry: That’s very astute, Charles. What did you have in mind? Hunt: A dress, I suppose.


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Terry: If you like. Hunt: Yes, that’s what a lady cricketer would wear, wouldn’t she?

Good show! (Terry watches Hunt exit with an expression of amazement) Terry (to audience): You can’t pick them, can you? But that’s Shakespeare for

you, always messing around with gender. (to Board) By the way Mr and Mrs Hunt, congratulations. I heard it was

a lovely ceremony. But I wouldn’t have any more children if I were you. You might get another throwback like Charles.

(Hunt enters in a medieval dress and wig) Terry: And now, Lady McDuff’s last stand as performed by Mr

Hunt’s lovely daughter, Charlene Hunt. Hunt: I WAS DUNCAN I WAS BANQUO NOW IF THAT’S NOT ENOUGH, NOW I’M IN AS LADY MCDUFF. STRIKE ME LUCKY, I’M A LUCKY LASS, I’M A LUCKY, LUCKY LADY, I’M SO LUCKY, BOWL ONE AT ME. (Terry takes a ball and throws it at Hunt) Terry: ‘Owzat! (Terry raised a finger. Hunt won’t leave.) Hunt What for? Terry: L.B.W. Hunt: What do you mean, L.B.W? That ball pitched well outside

the off stump. Terry: I’m in charge Hunt, now walk. Hunt: I won’t! Terry: You’re out. Walk! Hunt: This is outrageous. At least I won’t have to put up with you

next year. Terry: Hunt, let’s face facts, you won’t be leaving school this year,

because I’m afraid you don’t have enough brains to pass.


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Hunt: I don’t have to pass. When I get out of here, I’m going to be a politician. So what are you going to do next year, Terry?

Terry: What do you think I’m going to do? Hunt: Well, you certainly won’t be here, because my father’s turned

this place into a Girls’ School. Isn’t that right, Marie? (McBeth enters takes off her helmet and reveals that she is in fact a woman.) Terry Marie? McBeth: That’s right, Terry. There’ve been a few changes around here,

I’m the new number one girl. Terry: But I’ve got a contract? McBeth: That‘s with Dunsinane Boys’ School. This is now Birnam

Wood Ladies’ Finishing College. Isn’t that right, Headmistress Elston ?

(Elston enters removes her wimple and lets down her hair) Elston: That’s right Sister. SONG: GOODBYE SHAKESPEARE Terry: MY NAME IS TERRY SHAKESPEARE I’VE GOT NOTHING TO FEAR FROM YOU I’LL ALWAYS BE THE NUMBER ONE MAKE WAY FOR SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS. Elston & McBeth: SHAKESPEARE, YOU’VE REALLY HAD YOUR DAY SAD BUT YOU HAVE TO GO AWAY FROM DUNSINANE (chorus) ‘COS IT’S THE END OF YOUR CAREER GOODBYE SHAKESPEARE WON’T BE ROUND NEXT YEAR SO LONG SHAKESPEARE I HAD TO LET YOU KNOW GOODBYE SHAKESPEARE YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO FAREWELL SHAKESPEARE WE’RE STAYING ON WE’LL BE HERE WHEN YOU’RE GONE SO GOODBYE


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BYE, BYE, BYE WHAT’S THERE TO SAY? JUST GO AWAY McBeth: GET OUT YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW Elston: I’M SAD I REALLY GRIEVE FOR YOU THE MAN WHO WAS THE NUMBER ONE McBeth: THE NEW HEAD GIRL HAS JUST BEGUN McBeth & Elston: WE’VE MADE IT ALL COME TRUE ( Music segues) YOU TAKE AN M.C..D..E..A...T.H. (twice) LADY MACBETH (twice) SHE IS THE LADY MACBETH OOH LADY MACBETH IT SPELLS DEATH D.E A.TH Elston: THE ONLY TIME I’M HAPPY IS WHEN I SEE THINGS

DIE McBeth: SHE EVEN LIKES TO PULL THE WINGS OFF POOR LITTLE FLIES. Elston: I STAMP ON SPIDERS, CUT UP WORMS AND IF THAT’S NOT ENOUGH McBeth: SHE EVEN KILLED THE BABIES OF LADY MCDUFF. (chorus) Elston: I’M LADY MCBETH (twice) All: SHE IS THE LADY OF DEATH LADY MACBETH IT SPELLS DEATH Elston: D.E.A.T.H.

MY HUBBY REALLY LOVES ME, HE WOULD DO ANYTHING

I ONLY HAD TO MENTION IT AND HE KILLED THE KING NEXT HE KNOCKED OFF BANQUO, BUT THAT WAS JUST FOR FUN Elston & McBeth: THEN LADY MACDUFF, SHE GOT SNUFFED AND SO DID HER SONS (chorus) McBeth: I DID IT FOR MY LADY MACBETH


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All: SHE IS THE LADY OF DEATH ‘COS LADY MACBETH IT SPELLS DEATH Elston: D.E.A.T.H. (repeat chorus) McBeth: I DID FOR MY LADY MACBETH All: THE LADY OF DEATH ‘COS LADY MACBETH IT SPELLS DEATH

SCENE FIVE

(Headmaster enters alone. He is wearing a kilt and sporran. He takes on a typical Shakespearean pose) Headmaster: See who comes here. (No one appears) Headmaster: I said, see who comes here. Terry (off): Hang on Cliff! (Headmaster introduces himself to the audience and to fill he starts to describe the scene.He has the book of Macbeth in his hand) Headmaster: Scene three, act four, England before King Edward’s palace.

Enter Macduff…. that’s me. A sort of hero, well no… a hero of sorts. And Malcolm. Where’s Malcolm? (shouts) Malcolm!

(Dopey comes onstage still dressed as an elf and on roller skates) Dopey: Right! Headmaster: Malcolm, me thinks, I am in sunny England…. (All stage lights are turned on full. Headmaster reels back blinded. Dopey is wearing sunglasses) Headmaster: ……in front of the palace that belongs to King Edward. Dopey: Right! Headmaster: Here I await news of my family and of Scotland, to wit a

messenger Rosse will appear forth hence. (Gestures to the side of the stage) Forth hence, Rosse?

(No one appears)


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Headmaster: Get Rosse, will you? (Dopey looks confused) Get Terry! Dopey: Right! (Dopey exits. From the opposite side Terry enter , he is not wearing his school uniform. He is now in an old second hand suit and trilby, carrying a battered suitcase. Terry ignores the Headmaster and walks directly to his school desk and commences to pack his suitcase) Headmaster: Ah, at last, my countryman, yet I know him not! Terry (distracted): Pardon? Headmaster (indicating Terry’s hat): Remove the means that makes us strangers! Terry: Me? What about you? Wearing a kilt. You’ll have to excuse

me, Boss. I’m clearing my desk out. Headmaster: Wonderful, wonderful, good. Well, Rosse … Terry: No … it’s Terry, mate. Headmaster: No, Rosse. Terry: Have you seen my Scotch? Headmaster: Scotch!… Stand Scotchland where it did ? Terry: Scotch land? Headmaster: Yesssss! How does my wife? Terry: How does your wife what? Is this a riddle.? Headmaster: No! What news of my wife? Terry: You haven’t got a wife. Headmaster (angrily): Lady Macduff! Terry (to audience): No! Is he still doing the play? Hasn’t anybody told him about

the girls’ school? I’d better break it to him gently. (adopting a gross Scottish brogue) Ahh! Lady Macduff. She’s great, great.

Headmaster (relieved that finally Terry is in character): And all my children? Terry: Ah, the wee bairns, they’re … um … (resuming a normal

voice) Oh, they’re alright really, but then kids are kids. Headmaster: The tyrant has not battered at their peace?


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Terry (normal voice): No, no. It’s not McBeth’s fault, really. As she said, business

is business. Headmaster: She? Be not niggard in your speech, Rosse, how goes it? Terry: Well there’s a bit of a rumour. Well, it’s more than a rumour. Headmaster: If it be mine, keep it not from me. Let me have it. Terry; Well, I don’t want to be to one to tell you, Cliff. Headmaster: Macduff! Terry: Alright Macduff, but you’ll only get upset. It’s not that bad,

honestly. Headmaster: There’s nothing? (he pirouettes) Terry: Well not exactly nothing, no. There is something wrong, but

not a lot. Headmaster: What? Terry: Well, remember your school? Headmaster: My castle, yes. Terry: Well it’s all over. Headmaster: All over? And what of my pretty chickens and their mother? Terry: Come on, Cliff, you don’t keep chickens, do you? Headmaster: How goes my Lady? Terry : What lady? Headmaster: Lady Macduff. Terry: Lady Macduff! She’s gone. (Headmaster dramatically drops to his knees in front of Terry, wrapping his arms around Terry’s leg this is his great dramatic moment) Headmaster: Gone! (weak voice) How did it happen? Terry: LBW Headmaster (searching): LBW?… Umm…, lost in Birnam Wood?


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Terry: No. Leg before wicket. It was a beautiful ball that got her. She didn’t want to go, but

she was dead in front. Headmaster (still acting): Dead! My Lady … dead! Oh, that I could play the woman

with mine eyes. Terry (to audience): How about a big hand for Dunsinanes’ last great

Headmaster? That was great Cliff you’re a real trouper. Headmaster: I give up. No I’m sorry Mr Hunt, I can’t perform under these

conditions. Terry: Cliff, it’s been a long day. Come on mate. Sit down. Have a

cup of tea? Headmaster: A cup of tea? Terry (points to the cauldron): Well, there’s all this boiling water in the cauldron, seems a shame to waste it. Headmaster: Terry, what about the audience! Terry: They had theirs at interval. Now how do you have it? White

with two? Headmaster: Terry, I don’t want any tea. Terry: Of course you don’t. You’ll need something stronger when

you hear what I’ve got to tell you. (he hands the Headmaster the bottle of scotch) You know they’ve sold the school, don’t you.

(Headmaster takes a large swig from the bottle) Terry: Dunsinane College is now Birnam Wood Ladies’ College. (Headmaster takes another huge swig) Terry: Elston‘s the new Headmistress (Headmaster takes another drink) Terry: Yep he’s a woman ..it explains a few things doesn’t it Cliff? But the worst thing is, you’ve been fired and they haven’t

even told you.( another giant swig) Terry: But, you never liked it here anyway, did you? Headmaster (drunkenly): I hated it Terry. All those those bloody kids, I couldn’t stand

them…


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Terry: Yeah, I noticed. Well I suppose it’s our turn to leave now. It’s gonna be as hard for you as it’s gonna be for me. I mean, you’ve never left school either; you’ve just been living out the lives of your students. The successful ones that is, not the failures. But then I suppose that’s teaching, eh, Cliff? Just a spectator sport.

Headmaster: Terry, y’know it was the Board that caused most of the

trouble. Terry (resigned): I know. Headmaster: It was that Mr Hunt, always making me crawl. Watch this

mate. (The Head who is very inebriated walks over to Mr Hunt, who cowers in his seat) Headmaster: Hey, Mr Hunt! You know your son Charles? Well mate, I

reckon he’s a prick. Terry (applauds him): Well done Cliffy. I’m proud of you, my old son. (Terry hugs Cliff and walks off dejectedly) Headmaster (calls out drunkedly): Good on you, Tezza. I really appreciate that, mate.

You’re one in a million, did you know that? (to audience)

Out that door walks the spirit of youth. I used to have the spirit of youth once, but I don’t have it anymore … Anyway, stay where you are, I haven’t finished yet …I want to get to the bottom of this deception …Are there anymore out there who’d like to profess their femininity?

(There is a long pause, suddenly Dopey steps forward and opens his coat, to reveal that his wearing a mini skirt showing off his hairy masculine legs) Dopey: Right! Headmaster: Nice try Dopey! (Dopey looks disappointed) If there’s anyone else out there of the feminine persuasion, I

want them to reveal themselves, now! (At this point every female on stage ,be they band or choir member, step forward and reveal their gender) Headmaster (shocked): I am undone! (The Headmaster, overcome, collapses into the cauldron. McBeth and Elston still dressed as Lady Macbeth enter. Terry sees Cliff’s predicament and returns to help him) Terry: What have they done to you, Cliff?


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Headmaster: Nothing, mate. I’m just having a rest. Terry (to Elston & McBeth)): Alright ladies you’ve won. We’ll leave. Headmaster: No, we won’t! Not until we’ve sung the school song one

more time. Terry: Morrie! Sorry I meant, Marie. Would you mind singing the

school song for Cliff, one last time? (Marie is about to respond when the Head interrupts) Headmaster: No, way. I‘d like you to sing it Terry. Terry: Me! You’re kidding? Headmaster (pleads): Please sing it for me mate. (to Elston) If that’s alright with

you, your Highness. Elston: Of course he can you poor pathetic man! (The Headmaster sits at the piano and play Terry steps forward to sing) SONG: SCHOOL SONG Terry: WE HONOUR THE FLAG OUR FATHERS AND MOTHERS WE HONOUR THE LORD OUR TEACHERS, OUR BROTHERS WE ARE PROUD OF OUR SCHOOL OF THAT WE CAN CLAIM SO, LET US STAND UP FOR BRAVE DUNSINANE All: BRAVE DUNSINANE GOD’S DUNSINANE WE LOVED OUR SCHOOL AND WE LOVED OUR NAME Terry: THE END OF THE PLAY THE DEATH OF MACBETH THE END OF OUR SCHOOL WHERE WILL WE GO? WHAT WILL WE DO WITH TOMORROW? (The chorus is sung like a round )


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Men: WE WERE THE BOYS Elston & McBeth: THEY WERE THE BOYS Men: WE WERE THE BOYS Elston & McBeth: THEY WERE THE BOYS All: WE WERE THE BOYS FROM OLD DUNSINANE Headmaster: THE END OF THE SCHOOL AND MY CAREER WHAT CAN I DO I’LL GO ON THE DOLE THERE’S NOTHING FOR ME IN TOMORROW (‘We were the boys’ chorus hummed under Terry’s speech) Terry: Oi, I was the boy, me, Terry Shakespeare. I was the top bloke

at Dunsinane. It’s all right for you all sitting there smiling. What am I going to do with tomorrow? I’ve got a couple of kids to bring up. Don’t sit there grinning at me madam, it’s alright for you, you’re gonna go home now, aren’t you and say: ‘Wasn’t that a lovely play?’ But, where do I go? What do I do with tomorrow?

Has anyone out there got a job for an old boy from Dunsinane? I mean, I wouldn’t ask for myself, it’s just I’ve got the boys to support and I suppose my dear departed wife would expect something from me after thirty six years at school.

I know things are hard right now, but I’ll do anything, honest. ( he waits for an offer)

No one? There’s nothing at all? (sarcastically)Thank you…You’re too generous. All: THE END OF THE YEAR THE END OF OUR LIVES GOODBYE TO OUR SCHOOL WHERE CAN WE HIDE WHAT WILL WE DO WITH TOMORROW? Men: WE WERE THE BOYS Elston & McBeth: THEY WERE THE BOYS Men: WE WERE THE BOYS Elston & McBeth: THEY WERE THE BOYS All: WE WERE THE BOYS FROM OLD DUNSINANE

FINALE

(Terry stands with his sons on stage and defiantly delivers an aggressive rock version of ‘We were the boys’)

BLACKOUT


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ENCORE Terry (to audience): Hope you all enjoyed the play. Be here next year, as you

know the girls will be doing, Whose afraid of Virginia Woolf. Thank you and goodnight

(As Terry is exiting Elston enters, she is in a trance and still dressed as Lady Macbeth) Elston : The Thane of Fife had a wife. Where is she now? Will these

hands ne’er be clean? Terry: Elsie, it’s all over. Elston: Yes isn’t it dear. Yet here’s a spot. Out damned spot, out I

say. SONG: SPOT SONG Elston: MACBETH HAD A DOG YOUNG SPOT WAS HIS NAME HIS MASTER’S OWN PRIDE AND JOY HE WAS NEVER THE SAME WHEN MACBETH WENT AWAY HE TRIED EVERY TRICK TO ANNOY Terry & McBeth: POOR LADY MACBETH SHE HATED DAMN SPOT SHE WANTED HIM PUT AWAY COS HE PEED ON THE POT PLANTS HE MURDERED THE LAWN AND DROWNED THE FISH IN THE MOAT, THEY SAY (The Headmaster in a Spot the dog costume enters and howls in harmony and acts out the story) Terry: Everybody sing. All: OUT DAMNED SPOT GET OUT, DAMN SPOT LADY MACBETH WOULD SAY HE’D JUST ROLL ON HIS BACK AND PEE AT THE MOON PASSING THE TIME OF DAY Terry: SHE TRIED CORKS IN HIS HMMMM STUFFED CORKS UP HIS HMMMM PUT A CORK IN HIS HMMMM AS WELL SO HE WENT TO THE TOWER AND HE STARTED TO DRINK

AND SPOT’S STOMACH JUST SWELLED AND SWELLED


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(Spot exits, there is a huge explosion backstage and the dog mask lands on stage) Elston: NOW THERE’S SPOT ON THE CEILING SPOT ON THE FLOOR All: SPOT’S ON HER HANDS, THEY SAY HOW COULD SHE KNOW Elston: How could I know? All: YOUNG SPOT WOULD EXPLODE AND LEAVE HIS MARK ON THE CASTLE THAT DAY (The Headmaster minus the dog mask, floats in like an apparition) OH, IS HE IN HEAVEN, OR IS HE IN HELL THE LADY’S NOT GAME TO SAY

SHE WALKS IN HER SLEEP AND WRITES LETTERS TO GOD

Elston: Dear God! SINCE POOR SPOT HE EXPLODED THAT DAY All: OUT DAMNED SPOT GET OUT, DAMN SPOT LADY MACBETH WOULD SAY HE’D JUST ROLL ON HIS BACK AND PEE AT THE MOON PASSING THE TIME OF DAY (Chorus segues into a reprise of ‘Good Old Schoolboy Days’) YES, THEY WERE SUCH GOOD TIMES, NOW THEY’RE SO FAR AWAY. BRING THEM BACK, AND LET’S RELIVE OUR SCHOOLBOY, GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS, THEY WERE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS. IN THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOL BOY…….. (Refrain of Gaudeamus Igitur. Cast march off singing ‘a Capella’ ‘We were the boys’)

CURTAIN

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