as usual, the greeks started it all;-)
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WHAT THE %^#% DID YOU SAY? The Discipline of Conversations Twitter @ ChuckPapaG Blog http://chuckpblog.ideasphere.com [email protected]. Thucidides - THE MELIAN DIALOGUE (Circa 400BC) History of the Peloponnesian War. As usual, The Greeks started it all;-). - PowerPoint PPT PresentationTRANSCRIPT
1©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
WHATTHE %^#%
DID YOU SAY?The Discipline of Conversations
Twitter @ChuckPapaGBlog http://chuckpblog.ideasphere.com
2©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
As usual, The Greeks started it all;-)
Thucidides - THE MELIAN DIALOGUE (Circa 400BC)History of the Peloponnesian War
3©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
And the rest of the world followed! Business
Dialogue and TQM – mid-80’s A plethora of books on dialogue skills required for Total Quality
Mgmt Crucial Conversations - 2002
Over 20 months on Business Week’s Best Seller List Crucial Confrontations - 2005
New York Times Best Seller List Life
How to Win Friends and Influence People – 1936 In Paperback – 2009 - 7 months on Business Week’s Best Seller
List You Just Don't Understand: Women And Men In Conversation -
1990 Multiple editions in many languages
4©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
Absent the brain of a genius or the family fortunes of a mogul;
The ability to manage interactions, negotiations, tough
conversations, and touchy situations has been a
characteristic of successful people since the beginning of
time
5©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
And it’s not getting any easier! Increased pressure
Timely results require highly effective and efficient communication
Educational systems Do not deliver practical tools for effective, efficient,
high speed communications Multiculturalism and Globalization
New dimensions to “denotations and connotations” Political Correctness
Discussing tough subjects is a risky proposition
6©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
Business Conversations that matterWHAT’s at STAKE?HOW MANY OPINIONS?HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT IT?
Only 10-20% of our daily conversations have meaningful organizational impact and are defined as the ones with:
High Stakes, with Many Differing Opinions, driven by Strong Emotions
7©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
Discipline of Conversations! Understand
“The Universal Model” Prepare
“The Six Primitive Interrogatives” Frame
“STATE” Tools
Rehearsal I Language Contrast Verbal Jiu-Jitsu
8©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
A UNIVERSAL MODELI See/Hear/Read Something
I Tell Myself a Story
I Feel an Emotion
I Choose an Action
SilenceViolence
Indifferen
ce
9©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
Actions and Reactions Silence
Physical – Stop talking Emotional – Retreat or
the Frozen Smile Political – Yes or Agree
to Disagree Behavioral – Ignore
person talking
Violence Physical – Violence
such as hitting or pushing
Emotional – Sarcasm or Intentional Hurtfulness
Political – Reframing of argument
Behavioral – Loudness or Chest Puffing
Indifference Physical –Shrugging, Not paying attention
Emotional – No feelings attached to response
Political – Defining as not-relevant, Ignoring Behavioral – Disengagement
10©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
First Things First! Know your natural tendencies
More often than not and generally consistent Depends on the stories we tell ourselves Outward display depends on the situation
Learn to recognize the reactions of others Regular Patterns or Disruption of regular patterns Cultural and Gender differences play a role
Manage these simultaneously when in conflict Yours and Theirs!
11©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
The Six Primitive Interrogatives Why?
Why am I having (planning to have) the conversation? What?
What do I want to get out of the conversation? How?
How would/should (not) the conversation progress? Who?
Who is/should be (not) part of the conversation? When?
When will/should (not) the conversation occur? Where?
Where will/should (not) the conversation take place?
12©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
The STATE Framework S – Share your facts
What did I see or hear? T – Tell your story
What are/could be my conclusions? A – Ask for their path
How do they see it? T – Tentatively propose
What if (solution)…?Where am I wrong? E – Encourage testing
Even if it is different from mine, what is your perspective?
Adapted from Crucial Conversations
13©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
Some simple tools (but not easy) Rehearsal
It prepares you for a variety of responses I-Language and Open Ended Questions
It helps avoid triggering defense mechanisms Contrast
It sets boundaries and avoids spiraling conversations ‘Verbal Jujitsu’
It helps you to redirect the unreasonable
14©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
Rehearsal Play the conversation out in your head
Imagine the dialogue, both yours and the other person’s
Say it out loud, test how it sounds Especially helpful in email conversations
Examine the path of the conversation Consider the other person’s viewpoints Follow/create alternate paths based on varied
responses Plan your responses
Respond don’t react! Avoid reacting to “fighting words,” triggers, or
surprises
15©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
I-Language - Open Ended Questions I-Language is a way to express how we feel
about a situation without triggering a defensive response
I feel….is neither defensive nor offensive There is only one person you can control, YOU
Open Ended Questions focus on the process What was the outcome? vs Did you do it? If the answer can be Yes or No, it’s closed ended
It’s not easy to DO every day and requires practice
It requires engaging brain before engaging mouth
16©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
Contrasting What I Want - What I Do Not Want
I want to understand why this term is included I do not want to re-negotiate our deal
What I Mean - What I Do Not Mean I want to review inefficiencies I do not mean to imply anything about competence I am asking, I am not challenging
What I Believe - What I Do Not Believe I believe your promotion was well deserved I do not believe we have set you up with the tools to
succeed
17©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
Verbal Jiu-Jitsu Help others to hear their unreasonable
statements Address generalizations or incendiary comments
‘They’re all incompetent’ ‘That will be a waste of billions of dollars’ ‘He/She/They are Evil’
Attach implied actions to unreasonable statements
Well, Let’s do something about it Let’s kill all the Lawyers
Requires ‘amused detachment’ Sometimes people are just funny! Take the work seriously, not yourself
Can be used to counter ‘sound bites’ But don’t engage in sound-bite-exchange
18©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
Why be disciplined about this? Tangible Costs Of Entry
Less friction in daily interactions More effective in reaching bottom-line objectives Reduces drama!
Intangible Leadership Qualities Become known as a “smooth operator” Build relationships as part of getting results on the
task at hand rather than “personality or social compatibilities”
Lower level of stress by avoiding over-reaction
19©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
And if you can only remember…. Conversations that occur in high-pressure
situations, can and will significantly impact your organization. Don’t take them lightly
The fundamental models have stood the test of time. Focus on creating a framework for conversation – the rationale, the dialogue, and the structure
Pick a number of techniques that work for you and can be used to diffuse high-pressure situations and to effectively engage and manage conversations
Your ability to influence, and your personal brand, are significantly impacted by your ability to effectively engage in conversation.
20©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations
Q&A Session and Selected Quotes God gave me the stubbornness of a mule and a
fairly keen scent Albert Einstein
Management goes only so far, it stops a step short of genius
Fortune magazine 11/99 A visionary is supposed to have a vision of the
future. I think I was right most of the time Ted Turner 1997
Chuck, What the &*&# were you thinking?People, Frequently