A Letter to My Ex, the Los Angeles RamsJanuary 20, 2016

Dear Rams,

Hey. It’s me. I know – it’s been awhile, huh?

I heard you’re moving back to town. And I’m happy for you, really. I know we didn’t part on the best of terms, but that’s all in the past. I mean, sure, you packed up and left me after a 49-year-relationship. But I understand. It was the 90’s. We were all just learning about computers and techno and ecstasy, and you needed to “explore other options.” I’m sorry things didn’t work out, by the way. I know how much you loved St. Louis. Fucking St. Louis. What was it about that place that you were so attracted to, anyway? Was it the cultural mélange of living in Bloomberg’s most crime-infested and second unhappiest city in the U.S.? Or was it the 120-degree swamp-ass that really got you off all summer? Fucking St. Louis. But it’s all in the past. I’m not bitter. Really.

To tell you the truth, I was excited to hear you’re moving back. You know how am I about sports, and 21 years is a long time to go without an NFL team. Fantasy football was good for a quick fix and all, but it’s just not the same. Sometimes, when it got really bad, I would even play as much as three or four times per day. But, after awhile, there’s only so many times you can go back to the internet for a virtual taste of the real thing before you feel like just another teamless loser with a sticky laptop.

I can’t help but feel a little excited you’re back. Just look at you now. I see you’ve done pretty well for yourself. I don’t want to sound materialistic or anything, but I know how much you’re dropping on that new stadium in Inglewood. $2.6 billion dollars. Billion. The most expensive stadium in the world. I mean, look at this luxurious motherfucker:

Look at it. Is that sea-world? Good God. There’s no way the field can be that nice, too.

Fuck, you’re building a spaceship, aren’t you? God damn, it’s so shiny. Forget about football, let’s play some Tron. If Elon Musk did the Madden cover it wouldn’t have this much fucking technology. I want in. I want in bad.

But, the thing is, Rams, I’m not ready to jump back into bed with you just yet. Not just because you left me and stomped Jerome Bettis’s size-26 cleats all over my five-year-old heart on your way out. No, the reason I’m not ready to run back into your arms is pretty simple. You’re kind of a dick. And I don’t trust you.

First, they say that people change, but even I have to say the way you dumped St. Louis was some cold-blooded shit. Did you have to tell them in your NFL Relocation Application that their city “is struggling” and “ranks near the bottom of all U.S. cities of any size in terms of economic and population growth?” Well, I guess you did. It’s fucking St. Louis.

But, second, and more importantly, it’s my friends in Inglewood that I’m really worried about. I know you think your football-palace/Vegas-nightclub is going to revitalize the city – creating jobs, attracting new businesses, and bringing in a new stream of revenue. It’s just that you may very well railroad the people of Inglewood while you do it.

Since Inglewood nearly declared bankruptcy a few years ago, the city could definitely use the extra cash. Unfortunately, economists generally agree that, at the end of the day, sports stadium projects don’t really do shit to boost a region's economy. Now, I’m no economist, but I do have the internet, and here’s what Chris Tilly, director of the UCLA Institute for Research on Labor and Employment, thinks about your plan: "It takes more than a stadium that everybody is driving to from somewhere else to revitalize an economy…One project, even a project that will end up in the sports pages, is not going to cut it."

Victor Matheson, another nerd teaching sports economy at Smith College, adds that because most “stadiums are used only a handful of days each year [they] don't draw enough consistent foot traffic to persuade other businesses to open up shop there.”

If the history of pro sports in Inglewood means anything, the Geek Squad may have a point. The Lakers played at the Forum in Inglewood for 30 years – winning 6 NBA Titles in the process –

without contributing to any real local growth. Erin Kaplan, an Inglewood resident and writer, says she understands why everyone has a raging pigskin boner over the thought of getting a football team back, but she’s skeptical about the impact it’s going to have on her hometown. "We've had sport venues before and franchises here,” she writes. “It did not automatically translate into a better Inglewood and I don't know if this is going to be any different unless it is done differently."

So, if the return of the prodigal Ram isn’t going to save Inglewood, what effect will it have on the area around the stadium? In all likelihood, it’s going to make it really expensive and really White. Like, really White. Skip Bayless in a turtleneck White.

Businesspeople looking into the stadium project predict that it should help establish Inglewood as a “shopping and entertainment destination similar to L.A. Live,” which is next to Staples Center. Now, how does that process go, again? Big company buys cheap land in a low-income neighborhood, builds some nice, boogie shit, and rich people come from all over to buy dog sweaters at the new Whole Foods. Property values near the stadium skyrocket because rich people want to live closer to their dog sweaters or rent overpriced apartments to visiting fans, and pretty soon the people who lived there in the first place can’t afford to buy groceries or pay rent because everything’s getting so fucking nice and organic.

I think you know where I’m going with this, Rams. It’s called gentrification. I’m worried that, for the third time in three decades, you’re going to fuck over your fans to make yourself some more money. I’m worried that you’re going to gentrify the shit out of Inglewood.

It’s already happening all over L.A. It started downtown and swept across Westside neighborhoods like Venice Beach and Playa del Rey. "Inglewood is very close to all these places,” warns Tilly, “and it wouldn't take much to tip it.”

From what I’ve seen so far, Rams, it doesn’t really look like you give a fuck. The median household income in Inglewood is just over $44,000 per year, and studies of the stadium project estimate the average ticket is going to cost well over $140 per game -- the highest average price in the NFL.

So, I wonder, if not for your fans in Inglewood, what are you really coming back for? Your own renderings of your NFL-Hogwarts might give us a clue.

God damn that’s a sexy-ass roof. So curvy and white. But something seems a little off, doesn’t it? According to the U.S. Census, Inglewood’s population is 46% Black, 46% Latino, and just 5% White. Now, take a closer look.

Doesn’t look much like fucking Inglewood, does it?

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this move will all work out for the best, for you and for Inglewood. But, then again, maybe it won’t. And, the thing is, you’re not my only option anymore, either. There’s this surfer-team from San Diego that might be coming back to town, too. Who knows, I could even end up rooting for this team from Oakland if they decide to make the move. And guess what. They’re Black.

All I’m saying, Rams, is that you have some more work to do if you want to win back my heart. Otherwise, who knows? I might just have to “explore other options,” too.