Gordon Sharpless Declares His Candidacy!

BINGHAMTON REVIEW \ ·()hllll~ 9 '\lIll1h~r 7 n", SIIIe/ellf .1Ii1KiI:';lIe ill UiIlKllllllllolI l ·lIit 'eJ'.\;~r .\pril 19%

Who Wrote the Memo? STUDENT ASSOCIATION

• A Critical Look at the Dirtiest Political Smear of the Year

A Bold New Proposal for Reforming the Student Activity Fee Structure

A Holocaust Survivor Recalls Her Voyage to Freedom in America

BINGHAMTON REVIEW Volume 9. Number 7 April. 1996

Departments Editorial: No. we shouldn't get rid of the cultural groups, but they do need to be reformed to minimize political extremism

AI Coup de Tele is back! Read all about it in a scintillating "':il: edition of Campus Presswatch

Kentucky may have won the national championship. but Charles Barkley slam dunks Democrats in Quibbles & Bits

Features Joshua Trapani reveals the facts behind The Memo and gives some insight as to its origin

(Q For the first time. SA Academic Vice President Jeff c::::;J Golant speaks out on The Memo

11t1l\ He's no Robert Novak. but Nathan L. Wurtzel docs his \lJJ best to provide news and tidbits from inside the SA

11 61) Joseph P. Hurl' unveils a new plan to make student groups a accountable to the students for their funding

11g Paul Torres makes an eloquent statement concerning the QJ) illegitimacy of the VPMA and the need for its removal

11 F7 Henny Simon poignantly recalls her flight from postwar L1 Europe to America

Dawn M'Kibbin shows that diverse personalities can form lasting friendships in a brand-new "Keilka"

61) AI Gordon Sharpless that he will be a presidential Cf':il: candidate- for the Bull Moose Party. no doubt

All photographs for this issue were taken by Nathan Wurtzel. who knows next to nothing about photography

Next Issue • The first annual Bingham/on Review '''Enemies List'·

• Tearful farewells from graduating Review staffers

• The final installment of Dawn M'Kibbin's "Keilka"

Available on May I, t 996

APRil. 1996 ••••••••••••••••••••••••• EDITORIAL

BINGHAMTON Re VIE W 3 • ••••••••••••••••••••••••

Reform the Cultural Groups

Ainthony J. Benardello, candidate for SA president, was asked an ' nteresting question at the

Speech and Debate Club forum in mid­March- should the cultural unions be defunded and disbanded? Benardello gave the right answer- tlley shouldn 't be-but he neglected to mention that the system by which they are funded and represented needs serious reform . Two ideas ex­pounded upon at length in this issue- a student voucher system and the elimina­tion oftlle VPMA- merit serious consid­eration ifpolitical extremism is to beelimi­nated from BU's cultural organizations.

Why should the cultural unions remain as student funded organizations? Simply put. they provide important services to stu­dents and participate in charitable causes that enhance Binghamton University 's reputation in the surrounding community. American culture has always been a com­posite of a multitude of others-the most successful example of such diversity in world history- and BU 's cultural organi­zations have played a major role in carry­ing on this tradition to help expose stu­dents to differing aspects of American and world cultures on campus.

Sadly, the great work of the many has been tarnished by the extfCInism and \vill­to-power of tlle few. BU 's cultural orga­nizations are now best characterized by the behavior of their representative coun­cil, the Intercultural Awareness Commit­lee (ICA). In recent months, the ICA has done nothing but create division between students- namely by distributing and publicizing the fake memorandum which "mysteriously" appeared in the VPMA's mailbox on March 5 (it is likely that some individuals in the leadership of the ICA are responsible for the production of The Memo as well). By giving credibility to the false docunlCnt while paradoxically remaining silent on the Million Man March trip last semester, the ICA clearly compromised any pretense of its role as an antiracist organization. In addition. LASU president Jessica Flores and YPMA Yumeris Morel recently barred an

appointed Jewish Student Union ICA rep­resentative from attending a meeting, an action not an indicative of a group inter­ested in promoting cultural diversity.

This political extremism must beeradi­cated if cultural unions are to win back their good reputations. The office of the VPMA has not in recent memory served any other purpose than to promote an e,tre.nist ideology of "multiculturalism. " The term may sound romantic, but as author Peter Collier notes , multiculturalism is two lies in one word- it 's not multi and it's not cultural . Indeed, the VPMA, who is elected by a maximum of twelve people. has adhered to a narrow-minded, singular political agenda intended in theory and practice to destroy the cultural mosaic of America.

Opening the office to democratic elec­tion by all students is a good idea, but this only creates another government bureaucrat- we already have enough, thank you. Instcad, members of cultural unions should be encouraged to partici­pate in campus-wide politics-there 's certain ly room for everybody. This would help marginalize the extremist politicians within the cultural unions and give the centrists and moderates­we know you 're out thcre--encourage­ment to step forward and lead. The best solution to the problem of the VPMA is to simply eliminate it entirely- it has no foundation in the SA constitution and other SA officers are already bound by Bylaws IY to protect the civil rights of all undergraduate students. Increased participation in mainstream politics by members of cultural unions will un­doubtedly cement this commitment.

The second imponant reform is (he installment of the Student Activity Youcher System (SAYS) as proposed by Joe Hury in tllis issue of the Review. The premise is simple- allow students the power to allocate the student groups portion of their activity fee towards the organizations they wish. If this sounds a bit Darwinian to you. we ' re on the same wavelength. Groups who wish to

have significant levels of funding will have to gear their operations towards the mainstream or risk alienating students who will, in turn, be unlikely to send money in their direction.

For example, the Black Student Union received $17, 400 in ' 95- ' 96 and is slated to receive (he same amount of funding next year. This was not decided by any significant amount of students. but by SA president Doug Boettner 's eight political appointees to the budget committee. The BSU did many good things for students this year- things which went largely unnoticed and un­reported-but the item that stands out was their sponsorship of a bus trip to Louis Farrakhan 's Million Man March. This would likely not have happened if (he BSU had been dependent on and accountable to all students for funding­an organization would not risk alienat­ing the vast majority of students by spon­soring a trip to an event organized to promote the political ideas of a racist. anti-Semitic bigot like Farrakhan.

Implementation of SAYS may make some people uncomfortable-those are probably the ones who have been engag­ing in e,1remist politics and have geared their organizations toward a vcry nar­row segment of the student body. OUI­ers may argue (hat their organizations may wither and disappear without man­datory funding provided by the budget committee, but we doubt that good or­ganizations wi ll fail under this system.

Want proof? Binghalllton Review, if provided funding by the SA. would havc one of (he ten largest budgets in the or­ganization- over $7.500 . Through grants. advertising, fund-raising and donations. we have managcd to stay healthy and active. We ' re sure other groups- augmented with SAYS fund­ing-could do the same.

The cultural unions arc too important to fall victim to extremist politics. We believe the modest reforms proposed here will stop the backslide.

-Nathan L. IVurtzel for the staJ!

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

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Cassandra Febmary 29, 1996

In the first incarnation oflhe GSO'sren­dilion oj The Daily Worker, presidenl Neda Hadjkhani makes an important point regarding the other campus me­dia, though we're distraught Ihal she seems to have left out Ihe publication with Ihe 1110s1 graduate students [Hint: )ou 're reading it}..

')'he task for this GSa becomes the creation of a space where information can be exchanged among graduates to­ward a politics of resistance and hope where these and other perspectives can be made public. Unfortunately, the ma­jor news media on this campus have not been very helpful in this regard, As hard as they may have tried, both the Pipe Dream and the Student Advocate have failed to report responsibly, often mis­quoting graduate perspectives or print­ing hearsay information without the req­uisite research. ,.

Asian Outlook March 1996

Redefining the term "sore loser. ., Crown Prj nee of incoherence Aristotle Ngaseo belchesforth a sloic defense of his bud­dies ' dislribulion fond aUlhorship?] of The Melllo ..

"Recent discussions concerning a rac­ist memo written on SA letterhead has surprisingly (or e~l>Cctedly) negated the role of language, the way words are as­signed meanings, and the relation of these meanings to history, current socio­poli tical debates, and popular culture ...

"Thus, responses to the memo, along with responses to other controversial issues on ca mpus are symptomatic of a foundational refusal to confront racism, gender bias, and homophobia: the ten­dency to personalize the faults of a con­tinui ng pasLand the discrediting of so­cially tran sformative mechanisms through the invocation of 'democracy,' 'freedom.' 'fairness '-and, with ajour­nalistic sleight-of-hand, 'objectivity. '"

CAMPUS PRESSWATCH

Pipe Dream March 22 , 1996

In a fine arlicle by Alia Nankoe, cam­pus lefl-l,ving extremists reveal the con­lempt Ih~v holdfor ordina~y sludents..

"Peter Morse, one of the organizers of yesterday's event [Ihe slUdeni walk­oUI], thought the rally was a success. He said that March 21 is pan of a statewide day of action organized by the Citizens Mobilization to Save New York.. .

"Some people who marched were not pleased that students who were in the MiniMall did not join in.

"' I was tmly disappointed that no one got up and joined the march when we were in the MiniMall.' said Trish Pol­lock, a junior majoring in psychology.

"Morse said she [sic] agreed with Pollock. ' It would be easy to join the march, but they are too secure financially and used to being in the center. Since none of them would join, I took great satisfaction in watching them look ex­tremely uncomfortable. There is noth­ing like being decentered. '"

Ooh, nol in public, Peler /- Ed.

AI'IUL 1996 • •••••••••••••••••••••••

Coup de Tete March 1996

Folks. pul down the Review for a sec­ond and take a good look around. Look at Ihe lIIajorilyofthe poplliation in YOllr vicinity, Do you want to put control of all aspecls of your life in their hands.? We didn 1 think so ..

"\fyour idea of democracy is writing a postcard to your representative (who promptly puts them in the circular file, or recycling bin, depending on environ­mental consciousness or proximity of the garbage can), or voting once a year in an election, you have some pretty poor conceptions of a true democracy. De­mocracy is a way of life where control of all aspects of life is in the hands of the majority of the population. Does Steve Forbes represent any majority that you can think of? Hell , the whole sea of elected officials is a sea of white guys from the upper classes ... "

Pipe Dream March 19, 1996

Concerned Ii ngllist Jake Miles fires the first shot in what has alrea(~v become a lorlllrtJus!y prolonged War of Perspec­tives. Guess it was "his bad. .. . ,

"You 've waited an hour for your friend to meet you in the library, He fi­nally shows up, shakes his hcad, and uses a phrase you 've never heard before: 'My bad. ' You take a moment- he prob­ably means something like 'sorry. I'm late,' but the new ex-pression makes your back bristle and you' re not sure why,.,

"You were th rilled at first that he was playing with the language- the more words we havc. the morc ideas we can e~-press-but some changes in language are born of apathy. You felt. understand­ably, offended-since it's a thoughtless, automatic statement that doesn 't com­mit to either an explanation or an apol­ogy, 'my bad ' in essence means '1 don 't care. ' With two words, your friend has insulted you, and we haven't even heard yet his excuse for being late."

FABLES

A cheap smear backfires, but who was the culprit?

O n March 5, 1996, SA Vice President for Multicultural Af fairs Yumeris Morel circulated

copies of a memorandum to members of the Student Assembly-<me which was supposedly written by Academic Vice President Jeff Golant. AJllhree pages of Ihe memo were on SA letterhead. The firSI page contained Golant's name, the dale, and who Ihe memo was addressed Io-allhough Ihe laller part was blacked out. 11 staled, "You need 10 focus on Ihe recent Judicial Board decision concern­ing Ihe VPMA office. In addition, I will need Ihose endorsemenls thai we dis­cussed earlier. Give me a callialer. I've enclosed somelhing for you. Make sure you dispose of lhis properly." The last Iwo pages oflhe memo, those thai caused allihe fuss, contained a "description" of how members of various cultural groups should be classified, including a fairly syslematic lisl of popular (and some ralher obscure) slereolypes of each of those groups as well as a greal deal of obscenity.

The memo had evidently been placed in Morel's mailbox by unknown indi­viduals earlier thai day. The VPMA, along with SA Presidenl Doug Boellner, broughl Ihe memo 10 Public Safety and filed a report. They also gave Jaysin Slearns of the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Union permission 10 make copies 10 dis­tribule at the Assembly meeting laler lhal day. Other people, including several As­sembly representatives, had knowledge of Ihe memo and ils conlenl before Ihe

By Joshua Trapani

meeting. No ·one approached Golanl 10 confronl him wilh Ihe memo-he claims Ihe firsl lime he saw il was al Ihe As­sembly meeting.

Almosl immedialely, queslions arose as 10 the aUlhorship oflhe memo. Golanl denies wriling il and a greal deal of evi­dence supports his claim. The "heading" on Ihe firsl page oflhe memo---contain­ing "To :," "From :, " "Re:." and "Dale:"-does nol follow Ihe defaull heading Golanl has on his compuler and uses in his memos--of which Ihere arc many for comparison. The message on the firsl page is searcely Ihrec lines long, in contrasl wilh Golant's well-known verbosity. The memo ilself conlains nu­merous spelling, capitalization, punctua­tion, and word-misuse errors. The gram­mar and style of the memo is embarrass­ingly bad, in conlrasl 10 Golanl 's usual wriling style (see page eighl), and il con­tains several key errors-for example, "Ihere" for "Iheir"-wllich Golanl does nol typically make in his writing.

A further area of doubl concerns Ihe person who was supposed 10 "receive" Ihe memo. The language of the firsl page and introductory part oflhe memo makes il clear Ihal Golanl is supposedly wril­ing 10 someone he is quite friendly wilh-someone in charge of a sludenl publication-as Ihe memo mentions in­cluding Ihe racisl commenls in "the nexl issue." This narrows Ihe inlended recipi­enl of Ihe memo down 10 Iwo or Ihrec individuals, Ihe mosl likely of whom is Nathan Wurtzel of Bingham/on Review,

a personal friend of Golant. This casts further doubl on Ihe aUlhorship of Ihe memo. Why would Golanl pul a submis­sion on SA lellerhead? Why would he pul all Ihree pages on SA lellerhead? Why wouldn 'l he give illo Wurtzel per­sonally? Why would he submil some­lhing 10 a paper knowing full well Ihal il would never be published?

The deadline for Ihe March issue of Ihe Review was February 28. Why would Golanl submil something 10 Ihe Review when Ihe due dale for submissions was long paSI? [n addition, Golanl was al Wurtzel 's house during part of Ihe lay­oul session on March 2 and 3, as were numerous olher people, and Golanl men­tioned no submission 10 the paper al all­nor had he and Wurtzel diseussed a sub­mission for four monlhs.

A further question aboul Ihe memo concerns Ihe lime of its dislribution­smack in Ihe middle of SA elections, wilh Golanl running for a second lerm as A VP. Writing racisl memos during elections is nol smart campaign stralegy.

There are those who would argue Ihal all of Ihese things were done by Golanl on purpose 10 dissociale himself from the memo. This has no basis in reality. The memo, if legitimale, was obviously in­lended as a submission 10 a publicalion. 11 was privale, from one person 10 an­olher. However, Ihere was no requesl for anonymous publicalion-if Golanl \\ToIe Ihe memo, he wanled il published wilh his name auached. Simply pul, Golanl cannol be Ihe aulhor of Ihe memo.

(, BINGHAMTON REVI EW

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The circus-that's the popular anal­ogy-that normally occurs during As­sembly meetings was even more wild than usual that night. A Public Safety officer was present at the meeting and the Executive Board decided to check every computer in the SA Office for sus­picious-looking files which might give some clue as to where the memo origi­nated. Marc Bloch, SA Elections Chair, was sent into the VPMA's office and was accompanied by a Public Safety officer. Bloch asked Morel if he could search her computer, and she agreed. While scarching the "recycling bin"-a Win­dows ' 95 thing- on her computer. Bloch found a file of about 2 Kb size which had been deleted earlier that day. Bloch undeleted it and went to try to open a program to run it. Morel asked what he was doing. and when he ex­plained. she asked him to leave his of­lice. Chris Schwegel. a Student Advo­cate stalfer. went in to look at the file­with the Public Safety office still present. When he left the office, he said it was a blank graphics file. This doesn 't e"'Plain the 2 Kb of information inside. but there was no other information available. The file has since disappeared.

Later that night. an unknown indi­vidual sent an e-mail message to a large distribution of BlNGSUNS users. The e-mail message. which was sent anony-

COVER STORY mously. said nothing of the memo but erroneously stated that the Academic Vice President launched a verbal tirade at the VPMA which was so fierce that he had to be restrained by Public Safety. The letter also took a shot at SA presi­dential candidate Anthony J. Benardello and was clearly election pro­paganda, urging students to "vote ac­cordingl y. "

The next day, the administration re­leased their own announcement con­demning the racist language of the memo. The administration did not­and has not since-released anything either blaming or exonerating Golant for his supposed authorship of the memo. Nor have they said anything about the legitimacy of the memo it­self. They seem to have removed them­selves from dealing with the supposed author and concentrated instead on the message. Unfortunately both of those issues arc important.

That evening. the Elections Commit­tee met to try to deal with the situation. Much of the meeting was spent in ex­ecutive session discussing the memo and e-mail. The Committee was rela­lively helpless to deal with the situa­tion-since the perpetrators were un­known- and the only official action they took was to ban all campaign­based e-mail.

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APRlL 1996 ••••••••••••••••••••••••

The next day, an unchartered-and heretofore unknown-student group called "Students Against Crimes of Hate." in concert with the Intercultural Awareness Committee, began postering for a "rally against hate crimes" to be held that Friday. Due to the inclement weather, no one showed up, so the rally was held the next Monday instead. The rally drew about ISO students as well as wide attention from off-<:ampus me­dia sources. A blow-up of the last two pages of the memo was present for everyone's perusal, and the memo was used as proof that " racism, homophobia, misogyny, and genocide" still exist on Binghamton University's campus.

"The author is not important, the message is" was scrawled on top of the enlarged copy ofthe memo. But the fact remains. the author is important. Find­ing the author is the most important part of the whole incident. That 's what this article will argue, and it 's what the lead editorial in the Press and Sun Bul/elin argued several weeks ago when this thing first happened. Public Safety is still investigating, but they have not made any announcements on the mat­ter in weeks.

This article may well be the last we will hear of the incident. Public Safety will investigate as thoroughly as the administration tells them to-but does the administration really want the au­thor caught and exposed? If they were reaUy as interested in trying to fight racism- no matter where it comes from-as they claim to be, they would make all effort to locate the author. VPMA Yumeris Morel's position ex­ists for the sole purpose of fighting racism- why isn ' t she leading the charge for a more thorough investiga­tion? Finding the author is important so racism can be weeded out by stop­ping it at its source.

The person or people responsible were obviously quite sloppy- surely trained law enforcement officials can shed some light on the matter. Here arc some leads they might follow:

-Only photocopies of the memo have been seen. Where is the original? What

APRIL 19% •••••••••••••••••••••••••

did Morel, Boettner and Stearns make copies of! Who put the memo in the VPMA's mailbox and where did they get it?

-Who is supposed to be the recipient of the memo? What is behind the black ink that covers the name? Has anyone made enlarged copies of the memo to see if they can spy any type behind the black ink? Look closely-it doesn 't seem as if any­thing is there. If there is a name there though, whose is it? Did that person ever get a memo from Jeff Golant?

-The author of the e-mail is not nec­essarily related to the memo, but it would be a good place to start. Who sent the e-mail? Sending anonymous and un­traceable e-mail is easy. Rumors have circulated about being able to trace the message to one particular pod, or catch­ing the perpetrator on surveillance cam­eras-the fact is, anyone can send e­mail from "nobody@binghamton.edu." I sent myself a message from that falla­cious address, just to sec if it could be done. And the mail seems to be untrace­able. The key is the distribution list. How did anyone get such a large list of SUNS users? Whoever sent the mail has access to this restricted list.

This whole memo incident should leave a bad taste in our collective mouth

COVER STORY here at Binghamton. The language of the memo was offensive, to say the least. But an interesting observation many have made-behind closed doors, of course- is that the memo lacks feel­ing. It seems a horrible thing to say, but one would suppose that if whoever wrote the memo actually believes the awful stuff they said, they might have been just a bit more forceful in saying it. Instead, the memo is simply a sys­tematic list of tasteless stereotypes, laid out one by one in bland sequence, with no emotion or conviction be·hind it. It is weak and forced-probably written by someone who didn't believe a word they were saying.

And thank goodness for that. No one's going to argue tbat racism doesn't exist, but how common is racism plus the fourth-grade level sophistication and "humor" the writer(s) of the memo possess? Yikes. Some people might ar­gue that if the author of the memo is ever caught, they should be required to undergo mandatory sensitivity training. Fine with me. But I'd argue that they should be forced to undergo elementary school English first.

So who really wrote the thing, and why?

There is not enough public evidence

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BINGHAMTON REVIEW 7 • ••••••••••••• •••••••••••

to convincingly accuse anyone. But con­sider the race-baiters on our campus. There are people here who genuinely think that all straight white males must believe everything in that memo. Talk about ignorant! Some of those same people have made their hatred for Jeff Golant quite public. Some of those same people threatened him with an impeach­ment resolution scarcely a week before the memo was "discovered." Some of those same people hid computer files. And some of those same people haven 't pushed for the administration to inves­tigate this horrible incident. as one would expect.

Can we accuse? No. Can we even hint? Well ...

We can say this: if those people-the ones who supposedly spend all their time fighting the bias and hatred and racism of others--<reated this sort of garbage to further their own cause, they are not only worse than the racists they try to find and condemn, but probably the biggest hypocrites walking the face of Planet Earth, too.

I'll be waiting for Public Safety 's fi­nal say on the matter. How about you?

Joshua Trapani is a senior majoring in geology

"It Was Nothing More Than A Sick Political Game"

The SA Academic Vice President speaks out at length for the first time on the memoradum

Recently our campus has been dis rupted by a tidal wave of contro ersy and tension stemming from

a memorandum which contained hor­rifying racist, homophobic and sexist slurs. As every responsible media orga­nization on campus and in the surround­ing community has made clear, this memorandum is a forgery. Since my name was attached to this disgusting piece, I am especially concerned about the malicious intent behind the writing, frenzied distribution and persistent at­tempts to make political capital out of this abhorrent work.

Many, including those at the highest levels of the University administration, have been wondering who would write such a thing and why. Unfortunately, we may never know the true identity of the author. Whoever did write it not only lacked the courage to attach their own name. but was so cowardly that they made a blundering attempt to push their odi­ous ideas off on someone else.

Although it is difficult to answer the question of just who wrote it, the ques­tion of why it was written is incredibly simple. This piece was written with sev­eral goals in mind. These goals include discrediting and harassing me as an in­dividual, assaulting my views concern­ing campus issues such as the diversity requirement and also affecting the out­come of my now successful bid to be re­elected to the position of Student Ass0-ciation Academic Vice President. It also appears that once it became clear that these goals would not be reached, those who were engaging in this vicious smear campaign redirected their energies into

By Jeff Golant a feeble attempt to prove that there was in fact a need for the SA to have a Vice President for "Multicultural Affairs."

Nevertheless, there is a lot more to this entire incident than first meets the eye. On Friday March I, 1996--a>incidentally the date attributed to the forged memo­randum, SA President Doug Boettner asked me to come into his office, ostensi­bly to discuss a mutually agreeable time for an executive board meeting. Upon en­tering his office, I noticed that Yumeris Morel, SA VPMA, was also present. Af­ter forty-five seconds of discussing a con­venient meeting time, Doug infonned me that "Yumeris has a concern." Yumeris then explained that she was vel)' unhappy with some position I had expressed ear­lier in the week at the Harpur College Council. I told her that I was sollY she did not share my views. She responded by say­ing that if I didn't "shut up" she was go­ing to have me removed from my posi­tion. I told her that I had no intention of not expressing my views when and where I felt it was appropriate and that I did not think that she had the slightest chance of removing me. Shortly after that I learned that Yumeris, with Doug's assistance, had attempted to enter an impeachment res0-

lution against me but were unable to do so by the next Student Assembly meeting because they had missed the deadline.

On Tuesday, March 5, I attended the Student Assembly meeting. During her weeIdy report Ywneris spoke briefly about her alleged "discovery" of the now infa­mous memorandum. She and Jaysin Sterns oftheLGBU then proceeded to pass out copies to the entire Student Assembly.

The commotion which followed lead

to a five-minute recess in the Student As­sembly. The members of the Executive Board, as well as Yumeris, went into the conference room to discuss the develop­ing crisis. During the course of the meet­ing Yumeris defended her actions by ex­plaining that she felt her "constituency" and the "elected representatives" on the SA needed to be "aware." Doug Boettner acknowledged that he did in fact have knowledge of the existence of the memo­randum before 3 :30 PM that afternoon­he later changed his story-and that he was aware that Yumerls was planning to distribute it to the SA When I asked him why he did not speak to me about the memorandum, he responded "you were busy." Boettner also claimed he took it directly to ULED because he was con­cerned about the fact that it was on SA letterhead However, he did not arrive at ULED until 6: 10 PM, approximately half an hour before multiple copies of the memorandum were distributed to the Stu­dent Assembly.

We then returned to the Student As­sembly meeting and at the close of that meeting held another executive board meeting. Upon leaving the SA conference room I was verbally harassed and threat­ened by a member of the Student Assem­bly who had been waiting outside the door. Because of such harassment and on the advice of Vice President for Student Affilirs Rodger Summers, I have yet to return to my apartment.

The next day, March 6, University President Lois DeFleur released a press statement outlining what she perceived to be the fact that the piece in question had been found in Yumeris Morel's mail

APRIL 1996 ••••••• ••• •••••••••••••••

box. Given Morel 's highly suspicious conduct and the fact that there was a great deal of question about the veracity of Morel 's claim, it was extremely inappro­priate for DeFleur to state this as fact. In doing so, she failed to remain neutral in the dispute.

The following Monday, the lCA, lead by Yumeris Morel, organized a rally in which a blown-up copy of tile memoran­dum was displayed and many copies were distributed throughout campus . T he speakers at the raily included many who made statements to the crowd urging them to "remember that tllere arc people who think like this when you go vote." One bystander even claims to have seen one of tile rally's organizers write my name­which had been blacked out--Qn the blown-up copy of the memorandum.

The Division of Student Affairs had also offered several "counseling sessions" for those who were shocked and offended by the language of the memorandum. I

GOLANT SPEAKS attended one such session and was not surprised to see tlwt the only people in attendance were approximately six indi­viduals who are heads of lCA groups, and who had been extremely active in the distribution of the memorandum. It seems that if they were truly so offended by tile words on that paper that they needed counseling, they would not have spent so much time and energy making sure that everyone on campus saw the memo and therefore experience a similar emo­tional wound. Unless, of course, it were all part of a sick political ganle.

My attention and energies have re­cently been channeled completely into my successful campaign for reelection. Until the recent inexplicable conduct by the SA ludicial Board, that seemed to be settled-now it is again in question. However, I have begun to actively pur­sue some members ofthe University Ad­ministration about the harassment which has victimized me and my friends as a

BIN GHAMTON R EVIEW 9 • ••••••••••••••••••••••••

result of this issue. Other then being re­peatedly urged to just hang in there and let it die down, I have also learned that Rodger Summers, Lloyd Howe and David Anderson have interposed them­selves between Public Safety and ludi­cial Affairs so that any reports from Public Safety will first go through their offices before they ever get to Steve Nelson at ludicial Affairs. According to Nelson, this is supposed to allow the senior administration to " mediate" any conflicts.

1 will continue to investigate this inci­dent on my own, since the University is apparently not willing to clear my name. 1 also would like to tllank the more tllan 1300 students who refused to believe this outrage and gave me a landslide victory for a second term last month.

JejJGo/anl is ajunior majoring in po­litica/ science and is the SA academic vice president

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Nobody P6ked Me, But ...

N ot unlike a recurrent case of hemorrhoids. the Student As sociation E-Board elections

refuse to go away. On Wednesday, March 27. the SA Judicial Board invalidated the results due to inconsistencies be­tween the tally sheets where the votes were scored and the spreadsheets where the results were reported. Many take this as a sign that the elections need to be run again, but common sense dictates a simple recount of the votes, preferably by an unrelated, outside agency. After alt the elections procedure itselfwas not found invalid by the J-Board, so why do them over?

The obvious answer to that question lies in the fact that the many of the can­didates favored by the eX1remist Intercul­tural Awareness Committee were soundly defeated in this year's election. Only Jes­sica Flores. president of LASU and can­didate for SA president. remains in the hunt as she faces a future runoff election against Anthony 1. BenardeUo. Flores only captured 33% of the vote against two opponents in March, which means she actually fared worse than extremist can­didates Felipe Ayala (38% in the VPUP election) and Aristotle Ngaseo (400/0 in the AVP election). This is a significant difference from last year when Nicole Johnson and Katrina Huffman. both from the ex1reme margins of campus politics, nearly scored upset ,"ins. Clearly, there is a preference for respectable, centrist politicians on campus-a preference which is not dependent on how many times the SA elections are run or on how many J-Board members are currently in bed with the ICA.

More importantly. a member of the

An irreverent, relevant collection of inside information, thoughts and analysis on recent SA events

By Nathan L. Wurtzel

elections committee, speaking on the con­dition of anonymity. told me that the CODl­

mittee flatly refuses to run the elections again. Thus the J-Board decision, if in­terpreted as a revote rather than a recount, could cripple the already flagging SA for an indefinite amount of time.

•••••

T:0UghtheexactnumberSarein question. the March elections showed some interesting trends

which deserve commentary. As men­tioned previously. extremist candidates backed by the ICA showed a definite decline in popularity. Ayala and Ngaseo, for example, were shut out everywhere on and off campus except for Dickinson Community (BU's answer to Massachu­setts). Centrist AVP candidate Jeff Golant scored impressive wins against Ngaseo in the other three campus com­munities, including an astounding 7~1o of the vote in Newing. Conservative I libertarian presidential candidate An­thony 1. BenardeIlo, despite never hav­ing lived on campus, still managed a clear-cut victory in College-in-the­Woods and a close second in Hinman. Even in the largely non-political office ofBU Council representative, moderate candidates Austin Graff and Jeff Weisel grabbed more than two-thirds of the vote on their way to a runoff showdown.

Another interesting result occurred in the SASU I USSA referendum, which asked for an increase in student fees. Although the two questions did pass by margins of seventeen and nineteen per­cent respectively, this result is atypically narrow in contrast with past elections

and with elections on other campuses. Perhaps this is a sign that students are growing suspiciously aware of the par­tisan nature of these lobbying groups and are accordingly rejecting their system of forced funding. During the course of conversation, a member ofNYPIRG told me she was surprised by the result of the referendum, given the fact that SASU I USSA had run a well-executed and expensive campaign for passage.

•••••

A the heels of an impressive re lection victory-a 66 point

win over well-known write-in challenger Nicole Johnson-8A Finan­cial Vice President Erik Kopelman faced a surprise impeachment resolution­later changed to a request for a repri­mand-from an old political opponent. Jen Toth, Hillside representative to the SA, authored the resolution calling for Kopelman's head ostensibly because he had loaned BTV $25,000 (the actual amount was $30.000) last fall so the or­ganization could replace their failing cameras. In reality~ Toth, an employee of Off Campus College Transport, bears a grudge against Kopelman due to his role in the blue bus controversy of last summer. Though opinions on the reso­lution of that conflict vary, the BTV loan itselfwas entirely acceptable at the time because there was no sitting Student As­sembly due to problems within the elec­tions committee.

When I talked with Kopelman, he ex­pressed his disappointment with Toth and the resolution's four sponsors. say­ing the situation could have been settled

APRIL 1996 •••••••••••••••••••••••••

easily if they had come to speak with him during his office hours. Kopelman further derided Toth 's contention that the Assembly see each spending voucher as it comes in, noting that it takes sev­eral hours each week for SA Treasurer Stephanie Shapiro and himself to go through them. After sitting in on an af­ternoon of watching Stephanie go through a mountain of vouchers. 1 have to agree with Kopelman- perhaps Toth should try working in the FVP's office for a few weeks before attempting to transfer unnecessary hands-on financial authority to the Assembly.

A particularly odious aspect of the Toth-Kopelman situation was SA Presi­dent Doug Boettner 's role. Boettner. as reported in Pipe Drr!alll and as confirmed by several independent sources, misrep­resented himself to an SA employee in order to gain information about the loan- information which he could have gained in his official capacity as presi­dent. By resorting to such lowbrow tac­tics, Boettner confirmed suspicions that he is the driving force behind the petty conflicts which have destroyed the SA this year. For her part, the SA employee said she fe lt used and degraded by Boettner. When she asked me what 1 thought was wrong with Boettner-I am frequently asked this type of question due to my affiliation with the Department of Psychology, although I am not profession­ally qualified to answer it- I told her Doug was behaving normally- for a sleazy. backstabbing politician. that is.

,.. >I< >I< ,., >I<

Behind. the scenes. word has it that everybo dy. including Public Safety and the administration.

knows The Memo was not only a politi­cal smear. bUl an outright fake . In other words, responsible sources believe that The Memo was not written by a bigot. but rather by an individual or a group who desperately wants to prove that rac­ism. sexism and homophobia are ram­pant on campus. These are probably people. I might add. whose positions of power or whose purpose on campus de-

NOBODY ASKED pend on a presupposition of a climate rife with racial tension. The Memo served no better purpose-since it had no notice­able effect on Jeff Golant's reelection bid-than to foment racial division.

An "in-house" forgery of this sort is not unknown to the college campus. Tony Mecia of the Collegiate Network told me of an incident at Duke in the early '90's where anti-Black chalkings on campus sidewalks provoked racial strife. Although it was known carlyon that Black youths from Durham were responsible. campus activists used the occasion to their advantage. More re­cently, Dionne Daisey. a Black student at the University of Delaware. admitted that she fabricated seven racial bias crimes during the fa ll 1995 semester in order to further her cause (admittedly. a noble one) of removing Confederate flags from campus. Also. in her book The I'v/orning Ajier, feminist Katie Roiphe reports that women at several universities have falsified reports of sexual harassment and rape at Take Back the Night marches.

Most notably. such an occurrence may have happened at BU. It is now widely believed that swastikas drawn on the offices of the Jewish Student Union sev­

B INGHAMTON REVIEW 11 • ••••••••••••••••••••••••

people who claim to decry racism. may God have mercy on their souls.

Several weeks ago. Review staffer Juliet Shields and I went to an ICA meeting in an attempt to get an

inside look at the committee and perhaps even attempt to mitigate some oftlle hos­tility between tlle lCA and the rest ofthe student body. This was not to be. mainly because a visibly nervous and hostile VPMA Yumeris Morel decided to cancel the meeting upon seeing our presence.

Morel also attempted to close the meeting and go into "executi\'e ses­sion" - a term which she misuses about as often as Bob Packwood misuses women. For the record. student groups can only go into executive session when they are discussing the hiring or firing of specific personnel. Students can and should attend ICA meetings-at the most. it will be intellectually construc­tive and at thc least. you'll annoy Yumcris. Trust mc. it 's fun .

Nathan L. JJilrtzel will not he the edi­tor-in-chie/o/ the RC\'iew after next lIIonth. He is thankjill jor thai

eral years ago were placed there by the then-president of the JSU. Although no con­clusive proof of thi s was ever found. cam­pus authorities say they do not believe that in­cident was a true bias crime. My feeling is that history will record The Memo similarly, but if conclusive evi­dence turns up con­demning those who are supposed to be fighting racism and the like. we must pressure Public Safety and the admin­istration to take deci­sive action. If the per­petrators of this out­rage arc the same

"We have a scheme"-Yumcris Morel and Jessica Flores confer at an SA meeting

SAVS The Student Activity Voucher System

A bold, brilliant plan for fair disbursement of activity fees

Virtually all students on this cam pus are involved. in some way or another. with Student Asso­

ciation chartered groups. There is hardly a person who hasn't partaken in activi­ties sponsored by these organizations. When someone goes to a Crosby's con­cert, watches an SA sponsored film, partakes in a cultural event or attends an academic association's meeting, he or she is doing so under the umbrella of support provided to those organiza­tions by the Student Association. These e\'ents enrich the college experience and provide students with the ability to meet other students who share their interests. or \lith whom they find com­mon ground. And since students are rarely. if ever, requested to pay dues to these organizations to which they be­long. much of what goes on appears under the guise of being free. However. this is not the case.

Most of the money that student orga­nizations use to fund their operations comes from the mammoth $1.051.402 SA budget (FY '96-'97), the backbone of which is the mandatory $62.50 ($1251 year) student activity fee which all stu­dents are required to pay each semester in addition to their tuition. The budget is comprised of a number of different components, some constitutionally man­dated~ others contractual, and lastly. those clements which are up to the dis­cretion of the budget committee.

Each year the president of the Stu­dent Association is constitutionally mandated to prepare a budget for the following year. Once revenues have been calculate~ based on the number of part-time and full-time students ex­pected. multiplied by the values oftheir

By Joseph P. Hury

respective student activity fees, the amounts of money allocated to the dif­ferent components of the budget can be decided. Deductions are then made from total revenues for the contractual and constitutionally mandated ele­ments. In the current budget proposal for FY • 96-' 97. convocations, NYPIRG, USSA, deficit coverage. capital replacements, support servicesl accounting, lawyers. insurance, and auditors garner approximately 25% of the budget or $258.967.65. Interest in­come is then added and funds are allo­cated to the Student Assembly ($4,500). capital projects ($1,000), and club sports ($52,000). Out of the remaining pool of funds ($739,934.85), 25% is allocated to the College Reserve ($184,983.72). which goes to fund the governments of the residential commu­nities and $10.000 is removed for dis­cretionary spending to be allocated by the SA Finance Committee on an as­needed basis throughout the year. The remaining sum of money, referred to in the budget as group allocations ($544,951.13) is then doled out by the SA Budget Committee to those SA chartered groups which have submit­ted requests for budgets.

Thus the largest part of the SA bud­get process begins. In this stage groups appear before a nine-member panel, which includes the Financial Vice President and eight other members cho­sen by the SA president. The Budget Committee splits up into three person subsections and then hears presenta­tions of representatives. usually trea­surers, of the SA chartered groups who have submitted budget requests. They ask questions of the presenters and take

notes. Once the presentations are com­pleted the budget committee reas­sembles and discusses what they have heard. Members make proposals as to what level of funding each group should receive, which are then voted on from the highest to the lowest dol­lar amounts. Once the funding level for each group has been determined a pre­liminary budget is assembled and groups are notified of the results. Each group then has the right to come be­fore the budget committee to appeal the decisions. This time the entire commit­tee hears the appeals and decides to­gether whether or not to grant them.

Money for appeals is held back dur­ing the initial ~ound of the budget pro­cess and once it is expended additional appeals must be granted by decreasing funding already allocated for other or­ganizations. At this point~ the com­pleted budget is turned over to the SA president who then can make alter­ations to it as he sees fit and accept or reject any of its provisions. He then hands it over to the Assembly. which has the power to approve it.

While this process appears to func­tion smoothly and is completely done by students, it remains to the large ma­jority of the student body a closed and ultimately arcane process. It is a trou­bling system in that it is so far removed from students. As it stands, the SA president holds a tremendous sway on the formulation of the budget, being able to appoint all the members of the committee, save one, and then having the arbitrary power to modify it accord­ing to his whims. By the time it reaches the Student Assembly nearly all the work has been completed and all that

APRn.1996 •••••••••••••••••••••••••

is left to be done are any minor revi­sions the Assembly chooses to make. Approval for almost the entire budget is nearly certain.

When asked about his views on the current budget process, and whether he felt it was sufficiently open to the stu­dent body, two-time budget committee member Elliot Kalker responded: "Not at all." Indeed, he felt that "a lot of the budget committee members, because they are so involved with other on cam­pus groups, already enter into the com­mittee with predetermined notions of what they want to get out of the com­mittee and the results that they want to see. For small groups, maybe their pre­sentation will increase their funding, but a lot of what's going to happen is al­ready determined in everyone's mind beforehand" Often, officers of organi­zations even manage to serve on the committee.

The entire process has ·also settled into what Financial Vice President Erik Kopelman called a "vicious cycle," (Pipe Dream-March 19, 1996) in which groups settle into a rut where new budgets always tend to reflect old budgets, leaving little chance for new and popular organizations to break out and receive funding proportionate to their presence.

Furthermore, under the current bud­get process, students routinely see their money being spent on organizations which they cannot, for either religious or personal reasons, support. And while the budget allocations of the mandatory student activity to different groups are not illegal, they are to an extent unethical in that they force in­dividuals to be a party to actions their consciences tell them are inappropri­ate. For instance, pro-life students may not feel that their funds ought to be used to support the Pro-Choice Coalition. And were there a pro-life coalition on campus, it is undoubted that there would be objections to its forced fund­ing.

It is obvious that there are problems with the current system which need to be remedied. Thus it is time to consider

VOUCHER SYSTEM a possible moderate approach to re­forming the activity feelbudget process, which will open it up to students and provide them with greater choice in al­locating their funds. Essentially, it is time to switch over from a closed bud­get committee process, to an open Stu­dent Activity Voucher System.

Under such a system there would no longer be a need for the budget process as it currently stands. Some elements would be maintained, but others must change. Since the ac~vity fee must re­main mandatory, and would still com­prise the major source of funding for SA operations, the SA president would still have to provide a budget to deal with the components that are either contractually or constitutionally man­dated. Thus, the budget process as it currently stands, from figuring out rev­enues to arriving at the sum for group allocations, would not be modified.

The change in the system woulcl however, affect the process from that point onwards. Under the new system, instead of having an arbitrarily chosen budget committee sit down and dole out funds, students would receive a voucher which they could put, in any combina­tion they want, funding towards any or­ganizations they choose. The amount of the voucher would be calculated by taking the available money in the group allocations pool and dividing it by the number of expected students (approx. $29.25 for this semester if it were in effect). Just as students must currently pay their activity fee when they pay their tuition, under the new system they

Nightly Speeials

PIzza A Pitcher (Soda or Beer)

BINGHAMTON REVIEW 13 •••••••••••••••••••••••••

would also have to fill out their voucher at the same time. To ensure that all stu­dents receive their Student Activity Vouchers, fill them out and return them, they would be contained in the same packet as the student's tuition bill. On the form would be an explanation of the voucher, a list of organizations for which it could be used, and next to each group's name would be a line where students could specify exactly how much they want to allocate to that or­ganization. Furthermore, just as tuition is not considered complete without pay­ment of the activity fee, nor would it be considered complete without completion of the voucher.

Certain other things would also have to be done in order for this new system to function. First, groups which serve the campus as service providers, mean­ing that they provide some form of ser­vice to the undifferentiated students of the campus without regards to any membership characteristics, would have to be removed from the group al­locations account where they currently reside and be budgeted separately. Thus they would be budgeted along with the contractually and constitutionally man­dated elements of the budget. Such groups would include Print Shop, Cold Copy, Harpur 's Ferry, High Hopes, Pipe Dream, University Programming Board, WHRW Binghamton, Student Association Office, Off Campus Col­lege Transport, Binghamton Television and Choices.

Second, there would have to be a transition period during which organi-

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• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

zations could get used to the new sys­tem. In order to facilitate the transition, the discretionary account will be doubled during the transition period so that if groups find themselves initially short on revenue. the Finance Committee would be able to help them make up some of the shortfall. Also, under the new sys­tem, groups would be allowed to auto­matically roll over their excess funds at year end into the subsequent year 's bud­get, unlike in the current system where they must request permission to do so. This would help organizations by allow­ing them to build up a financial base over time so that they would have a minimum level of funding. This is to­tally justified, since students have al­ready designated that those funds be earmarked for the particular group.

And thirdly, if the actual amount of student activity fees received exceeds the amount of money dispensed in the form of vouchers, then the difference would simply be added to the Finance Committee's discretionary fund.

The Student Activity Voucher System would have numerous benefits for the student body. Initially it would open up the entire budgetary process and allow students much more freedom of choice concerning what organizations they would like to fund. This system would

VOUCHER SYSTEM not be arbitrary, it would be definite and would produce the exact results that stu­dents seek. It would allow students to determine their own interests and to fund them, just as they do with off-<:am­pus groups that require membership dues. The voucher system would also give students greater control over their money by introducing market forces into the funding process. Because student groups would exist solely by the wishes of students, organizations would have to continuously improve their planning and events schedules and also work harder to find out what both their mem­bership and the student body as a whole expects of them. It would allow for new and popular organizations to arise if stu­dents valued them, thereby breaking the current year-to-year budgetary stagna­tion cycle.

Vouchers would also increase student involvement in SA chartered groups since students would be able to identiry a much stronger linkage between their money and their groups. Also. the new system would bring about greater inclu­siveness and a sense of togetherness be­tween students and organizations that currently have nothing to do ,vith each other. Currently, groups can act in a totally insular fashion . They can take their funds, close their doors and pan-

APRn. 1996 ••••••••••••••••••••••••

der solely to their own limited member­ship lists. However. under a Student Activity Voucher System, student orga­nizations would have to consider their overall visibility on campus and would have to attempt to reach out to new in­dividuals and to bring new members into their fold.

When questioned about s,vitching to a Student Activity Voucher System, SA Financial Vice President Erik Kopelman stated, "The idea is interesting ... I would agree that the concept is there [and) that it is more democratic [than the current system) ." According to Jeffrey Rosenberg, President of the Jewish Stu­dent Union, one of the largest SA char­tered student groups on campus, "Over­all [the Student Activity Voucher Sys­tem J sounds like a very good system to be implemented ... People are generally informed about what's going on on cam­pus and will know what they' re inter­ested in and what they want their money to go for. And I guess, really in lieu of a membership fee, this is the best way to determine who's interested in what and what should get funded ... rather than by letting the arbitTary commission that is now set up decide."

Joseph P. Hury is ajunior majoring in accounting

Seniors! Stop by the Pegasus office

and buy your senior yearbook!

UU-164 $50 cash or check

The Student Association government has been plagued for too long by the issue of the

office of the Vice President for Multicultural Affairs (VPMA). But the "office" of the VPMA is actually a non­issue .. The office itself and the issue of this "office" is perpetuated by political supporters of the VPMA who share a politic8l bard-line agenda in maintaining

" tb"is unethical and possibly illegal infiingement upon· students' rights.

Foremost is the undeniable fact that the VPMA does not exist in any way, shape or form in the SA Constitution. Nor is this "office" an ex-officio member of the Executive Board of the SA, unlike the Vice President for University Programming (VPUP). The VPUP is established"as an ex-officio member of the Executive Board under Bylaws V, as stated, "This person will be elected by the ·undergraduate student body in a campus wide election as an ex-officio member of the SA Executive Board."

Meanwhile, Bylaws IV, entitled "Affirmative Action Guidelines and Inter-Cultural Awareness Committee" nowhere states anything to this effect in regards to the "office" of the VPMA The VPup, while not in the SA Constitution, is at least an established office and is elected popularly.

It is the fact that the office of the VPMA is not popularly elected, in conjunction with and compounded by the fact that this "office" does not rightfully exist, that is the source of opposition and objection to the VPMA Political grounds for objection to the office of the VPMA are also a source of contention. The political agenda of the proponents of the VPMA, the politics behind the nature of the VPMA itself and the extremism and lengths to which these proponents and supporters are willing. to go to are all summarily embodied in the "office" of

By Paul Torres

the VPMA itself. To add insult to injury, the office of

the VPMA is funded by student activity fee money, in the form of a stipend and an operating budget, which is collected from every individual student on this campus. The phrase "no taxation without representation" ·as applied to our government comes to mind-but more important is the fact that this situation persists in the SA over the repeated objections and opposition to this extremely unethical state of affairs. The administration is quite aware of the nature of this office and is implicitly condoning and approving of this behavior as well. Both the SA and the administration are responsible for this outrageous breach of students' rights. They apparently have never contemplated the possibilities for potential liability of their actions that may result pursuant to such legislation as Title VI of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, or pursuant to legal precedent concerning mandatory student activity fees.

Despite all these facts, there has not been so much as even hesitation in support for the VPMA. Efforts earlier this year to instate the VPMA as a legitimate office in the SA Constitution by means of referendum failed through a grievance flIed with the SA J-Board The referendum aimed to instate the office of the VPMA as a non-popularly elected office selected by the Inter­Cultural Awareness Committee. The grievance's main tenet and point of contention regarded the SA Constitution's Article II, entitled "Rights of Membership. ,. Being that "all registered undergraduates at the State University of New York at Binghamton are members of the Student Association," certain rights of membership are established under Section 2, "All members may participate

in the elections of the Association and no rights shall be abridged. .. Equality of rights shall not be denied or abridged by the Association on account of race, creed, religion or sex."

The referendum for the instatem~nt of the VPMA obviously conflicts with these rights and perhaps the rights of students as individuals above and beyond our SA Constitution.·

Following this defeat of the referendum, the "office" of the VPMA has yet to act accordingly. One would think the defeat of the referendum clearly signals the illegitimacy of the "office." The "office" in its current, de facto status was selected by the ICA in a manner which was deemed unconstitutional by the J-Board and as described in the defeated referendum. Ignoring this appears to be the course of action chosen by the VPMA and its supporters, none of whom even cared if the referendum failed, but only hoped to advance their position through an attempt to gain recognition and legitimacy.

Claims made to dissuade the notion that the lack of a popular election does not mean the VPMA does not represent all students have been made by way of statements that the ICA actually represents a large portion of our campus student population. Estimates of ICA representation have often placed at over fifty percent, and are simply false or stretching the truth, at best. Enlisting the Women's Center, the ICA undoubtedly claims fifty percent of the campus right off the bat, and claims additional representation for each the remaining ICA organizations. It is doubtful that merely due to the fact that the Women's Center is so entitled, all women are represented by this organization. More importantly, it is wrong to assume that all women are in

16 BINGHAMTON REVIEW ••••••••••••••••••••••••

agreement with the Women's Center with regard to such matters of political nature. The same applies to all other leA groups when anyone of them should claim to represent what in reality are only possible members or likely members of their organization beyond their actual membership. In reality these organizations can not claim any more membership and representation than that of their willing, active and current membership. This in itself is an attempt to perpetuate stereotypes to the effect that all women or Latin Americans, or whichever ethnic or racial group is considered, agree with these organizations on political matters in conjunction with the fact that these groups also maintain certain firm and singular political viewpoints and stances.

Given that claims have been made that over fifty percent or even all students are represented by the leA, two questions immediately come to mind The first is that if the leA indeed represents over fifty percent' of the student population, is there then any justification for taking away the right to vote from the few, whether they be forty, thirty, twenty-five or even ten percent of the population? The answer is that such infringement upon anyone's rights is unacceptable. The right to vote is accorded to all individuals, and is necessary and vital for a free democracy. The condoned infringement upon any number ·of students' right to vote essentially sets a precedent and opens the door to taking away the right to vote from anybody, by w~oever is in a

VPMA OUTRAGE position to do so.

Second, if the leA truly represents all students then what purpose does it serve? What difference will it make if the VPMA is popularly elected versus the VPMA being selected by the leA? Since all students are represented by the leA, it is more logical, more practical, more efficient and directly representative if the VPMA were to be popularly elected.

Unfortunately, the story behind the VPMA does not end here. In order to shed light upon the nature and mentality of the VPMA and its supporters, students should be aware of an incident that occurred the night of March 12th, following an Assembly meeting. After the Assembly meeting, an Executive Board meeting was held behind closed doors, during which the Executive Board voted to remove the VPMA from the meeting.

Apparently this sparked an outrage amongst many of the supporters of the VPMA. Only minutes later, the VPMA, Yumeris Morel, reentered the room with a rather large group of supporters from several leA groups. What followed was essentially pure and simple political muscle flexing by the VPMA. Several statements were made that show just how divisive these leA groups can be.

The VPMA herself stated, "The reason I needed to do this [her reentering with a large group], [is] that although some might think that my position should not be there, my position still is here, and I am going to ensure that underrepresented students get heard and that is what I am here

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APRn.1996 • •••••••••••••••••••••••

about, this is not a personal thing. Whatever problems Jeff might have with me, I'm sorry that needs to be totally disregarded [emphasis added], and you guys are student elected officials, you need to take that into account...l'm willing to say that there are people questioning the validity of my position ... although some people may feel like that, I still have my office in there, I still have the right to sit here, and make sure that our voice is heard"

Jessica Flores of LASU, a candidate for SA president, felt that "As presideni ofLASU, my constituency exists, and is going to exist, and is going to increase, by the way .. .1 think I speak for my E­Board, I am personally offended, every member of my organization is offended, that you two elected offiCials [addressing Dave Seigel and Erik Kopelman] decided that I should not have a voice. my constituency should not have a voice. and baSically E-Board business would be autonomous amongst people who I don t think represent me or my constituency, the only position that represents me directly is Yumeris, so I think she should be in any Executive Board Meeting, and every Executive Board Meeting [emphasis added]." Dave Siegel responded to these rather insulting and insinuating remarks by commenting that "I hope that's not true ... 1 hope I represent everyone. If just because Yumeris goes you felt you weren't being represented, then I feel sorry."

In the light of all these facts, the office of the VPMA embodies a certain set of political and ideological goals, extremist support for these goals best described as holding "By any means necessary" as its motto, lax enforcement of the SA Constitution, violation of the SA Constitution for political ends, and infringement upon students' rights as individuals. The fact is that all government positions that hold power should and must be held accountable through popular election.

Paul Torres is a freshman who has not yet decided on a major

The hong Road to ireedom A moving tale of one courageous woman s flight from terror

ill Europe to peace ill America

W:c were in prison in Koronowo. Poland. and my close friend Pulli and I. along with ap­

proximately one hundred other women. were liberated on January 29. 1945. We were free, but what now? PuUi and I were alone in a roreign country and could not speak the language. We had befriended three Jewish g irl s from Latvia who left the prison with us. One Russian soldier helped us to find a place to stay. The three girls spoke Russian. and obviously became our interpreters. for Putti and I spoke only German.

We ended up on a farm. We met a Rus­sian Jewish officer and when he heard that we were Jews he started to cry. He told us that we were the first Jews he liberated that were still alive. He or­dered his men to bring food for us which the farmers had to prepare. We were served at a real table with a table cloth. That night we slept in beds with white sheets. It was the beginning of being humanized again.

The next day. the officer suggested we should move away from the front lines because. in a war anything could hap­pen. We walked to the ne~1 cit}. Bromberg (Bydgosz). where we found an apartment which had been abandoned by Germans. Now we had foodandbcds l Naturally. we started cook­ing and eating.

One evening. we were just sitting around when the door opened and two soldiers burst in . One was drunk, I mean reallydnmk! I was si tting on one bed and the other girls were silting on the other one. As I said before. Pulli and I only spoke German. When the drunk heard the two of us speak. he cocked his rifle

By Henny Silllon

sleep in our apartment to watch over us.

A week or two passed when a man from the Polish gendarllleri e. riOe slung over his shoulder. knocked on the door and asked the five of us to fo llow him. He took us to a square where we encountered a lot of other people. We then were all ordered to line up and follow him. Well. he had a gun. so we followed .

None of us had any idea what was going on.

We marched out of the city and finally ended up in a farm house. There were neither "ire nor guards around. We were supposed to work. We five girls decided. if possible. that we would not stay. In the afternoon. the three Russian speak­ing girls walked back to Bromberg to find "our" omcer. Pulli and I waited until the next morning, hoping some­body would come and rescue us. but no­body came. We decided we had enough. After all of those years we had sulfered. we were not going to be slaves again. Wejust walked away, went to a train sta­tion. and boarded a train.

18 BINGHAMTON REVIEW

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

the train which had not left yet. You can . imagine how relieved we were.

When we fina lly arrived in Warsaw, all we saw were bombed-out and burned­out buildings. Refugees we met told us to walk about 10 km to a suburb named Praha. Supposedly there was a Jewish organization there which would give us food and a place to stay overnight. We did go there, ate and spent the night.

In the morning we continued our od­yssey. destination Lodz where there was another Jewish committee. We received some food and were talking to the people who had gathered there when a Jewish lady who had fought with the partisans came over and asked whether there was anybody who could sew. My girlfriend volunteered me right away, but I didn ' t want to go without her. The lady took both of us. I sewed and Putti did house­hold chores. We had food and a roof over our heads for a few weeks. After that, we did various other jobs.

One day a Jewish man by the name of Daniel, also a survivor, came from a small town named Widawa in the oountry, look­ing for somebody who oould take care of his household. He said he lived with a friend on a farm and a Polish woman was cooking for them. They wanted some Jewish cooking. Putli said, "Henny, that's something for you." The man told her she could come also, but she had a job. I

FREEDOM was not very happy leaving my friend, but I was oul of ajob and had to earn my keep. I liked it in tile country and I also liked Daniel's friend Abram.

Putti came once to visit me. The war had finally ended and she wanted to go back to Germany. Shortly after she left, I received a letler from Berlin with very familiar handwriting. It was fTom my aunt, and I was very excited. She had learned from Putti that I was alive and was still in Poland.

On July 14, 1945, Abram returned from an erranel very upset. "Let's pack and get out of here. They shot a Jewish man in the marketplace." Early the next morning (my twentieth birthday), we took the horse and wagon and left Widawa. Some birthday celebration! We a lmost got to Lodz when we were stopped at a checkpoint by gendarmerie . They noticed that I spoke German and no matter how hard Abram and Daniel tried to explain to them that I was a German Jew and not a Nazi, they or­dered me off the wagon and took me to jail. Abram managed to give me the ad­dress where I could find him and Daniel. I'll never forget the address-it was Zachodnia 66 in LoCz. For a few hours, which seemed like an eternity, I was in a jail cell guarded by two gendarmes . Evidently. they finally believed that I was Jewish and let me go. I walked into

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Lodz and found the address. On August 25, 1945, Abram and I got

married and two days later we left for Germany with one suitcase, money and two bottles of vodka. But this was nol so simple as taking the train. The war had ended only two months before and lhere was lots of destruction. Refugees and homeless people were everywhere. We went on a train to KattowilZ, and tllen went on another train Witll refugees to Czechoslovakia. At the border, at the town of Morava Ostrava (Maehrisch Ostrau) the train was stopped by Russian military and since nobody had papers, we were all taken off and locked up in a room at the station.

Abram had known that with vodka the Russian soldiers could be bribed- now it came in handy. The room we were kept in had one window which opened into the lobby of the station. Abram walked up to lhe guard, spoke with him for a while, and gave him the booze. When he came back to me he opened the win­dow and said, "Come on, hurry up!" He threw our suitcase out into the lobby and we jumped out. It was already dark.

We went to his mother's house. We stayed there- she prepared food for us and put us up overnight. Nex1 morning after breakfast we were on our way again. The lady had advised us to walk to the station in the ne:\1 town. From there we would be able to catch a train to Praha without passing another check­point. In Praha there was a refugee cen­ter where we stayed for about a week.

The besl way to get to Germany was through Vienna, supposedly. This meant we had to firs t cross fTOm the Russian zone into the American zone. We con­tinued towards the border orthe Ameri­can zone . When we walked across an American soldier stopped us. We were taken to the police station. It was about It AM. The GI in charge had us sit there and wait.

At noon he told us he would be going for lunch. When Abram saw thaI nobody was guarding us. he said. "Come on. we're going for lunch too." So we left and after a lot of crisscrossing ended up in Nuremberg. Germany. on Erev Rosh

A1'Rll. 1996 •••••••••••••••••••••••••

Hashanah. Somebody told us that in Fuerth.just outside Nuremberg. there was already a Jewish congregation and there would be services in the synagogue. We went and when we entered the synagogue thc Jewish soldiers handed us a Machzor and a small book with Readings from the Holy Scriptures. 1 used them for many holidays since. They make me remem­ber how far 1 have come.

After the holidays, we continued thc last stretch of our journey to Dortmund. We got to thc housc my aunt used to live in. but it was burned down. We walked to another aunt 's apartment only five minutes away and luckily the house was still standing and we found my two aunts. Another aunt and three cousins had been killed. but five cousins were still alive. What a joyous reunion it was!

The city of Dortmund was mostly de­stroyed by the war. Hardly any Jews had survived. We wcnt to Hanover to see if it was better than Dortmund. The first place 1 took Abram was to my mother's prewar cleaning WOIllan and friend dur­ing trying times. When we finally found her. you can ' t imagine how happy she was to see me. Right away she offered us a room to stay in which we gratefully accepted. Hanover already had an orga­nization that helped the refugees with food . stamps. clothing. and finding apartmcnts or rooms . Also. th e U.N.N.RA distributed food to the refu­gees. We finally found two rooms after staying for three weeks with our friend Mrs. S7""mlevski.

Slowly wc established ourselves. In 1946 our son Jacob was born. carrying Abram's father 's name. Abram found his brother Leonard again. Leonard and his wife Greta came to Hanover. rented a room and we lived together as long as we were in Germany.

1 still did not know whether my fa­ther was alive. but was soon to find out. I had a visitor. a former Hano\'cranian who had escaped Germany in 1934 and gone to Palestine. Now he was with the Jewish brigade. He brought me greet­ings from my father who sti ll was in Shanghai. China. and he gave me his parents ' address in the States. He told

FREEDOM me that they would forward my mail to Shanghai. My father had already ap­plied for a visa to the United States but once he learned that I had survived he wanted to return to Germany and emi­grate with us. Again his plans changed. He had received a visa from the States. Now he was afraid if he would return to Germany. and would then want to em igrate to the United States. he would not be issued another visa . We defi­nitely did not wa nt to remain in Ger­many. In 1948 my father went from China to America.

In 1947 Abram had bought a bumed­out house in the center of Hanover and rebuilt it. Now we moved in, and rented out the rest of the apartments. On the ground floor were two stores--one we rented out and Abram and his partner, a German antique dealer. occupied the other one. They were in business to­gether until we left for the States in No­vember 1949.

We crossed the ocean on the troop transporter GeneralJ. H. McRae and ar­rived in New York on Thanksgiv ing. 1949 . What a reunion with my father! Greta and Leonard with their few months old son. Hcnry. ca me to thc States shortly after liS and together. wi th the help of the H.l.A.S .. we settled in a apartment in Brooklyn.

In Mal' 1950 Abram bought a farm

BINGHAMTON REVIEW 19 • •••• •••••• ••••••••••••••

in Colchester. Wc worked hard but did not mind. We were free and had started a family again. My father lived wi th us and helped with thc farm. In 195 lour daughter Jenny was born and namcd after my mother who had been killed in Riga. My father passed away in 1966.

Our children. after finishing school and college. got married and our first grandson. Lee. was born. Those were happy times. But then the world caved in. On Dccember 4. 1976. Abram. my husband of32 years. suddenly died. Our second grandson was born on Decem­ber 30. Naturally he was named Abram to perpetuate the name of his grandfa­ther.

Nevertheless. life went on. 1 had two more grandchildren . Michelle and Aaron. In 198 1 1 got married to Bob. I consider myself very lucky to have lived to sec my children and grandchildren grow up. and to have a wonderful part­ner in Bob. America was good to me.

There may be many things wrong in our country. but we can complai n with­out being incarcerated. We ca n vote and try to make changes for the beller.

G'd bless America.

Henny Simon lives in Colchestel: Con­necticut. She is th e grandmotlier 0/ Binghamton Revic\v business manager Lee lHarkiewicz

The Jewish Student Union at Binghamton University

Annual 24-Hour Holocaust Remembrance Vigil

Noon, Monday, April 15 to

Noon, Tuesday, April 16

Individuals or groups interested in reserving a time slot to read should contact Michael Vermut at 724-3998, Rachel Weintraub at 724-2344 or the JSU at x4980

An adventure in the "Keilka" fantasy serial

Ah, spring, when it finally comes, it is glorious. It seems nothing can stop us from enjoying it, not even the most press­ing questions of the world. Indeed, in it:S-peace and renewed life we may even find answers to those questions and pieces to the puzzle of our lives when we're not even looking ...

Sawa stood in the parking lot un der the suite's window admiring the way the new, green finish on

his car shone in the clear April sun. A few good things had come from those

By Dawn McKibbin

awful incidents in February and March-the new paint on the car, which took years off its appearance, was not the least of them. "Hey I You ready yet?" he shouted up at the open window above.

"Coming, coming," he could hear Mordy mutter as he saw Christian walking toward him with his complete arsenal of fishing gear.

"Gonna catch us dinner?" Sawa asked as Christian stowed his gear. Christian began to explain his plans for the day at length, right down to

the flies he thought would work best. Sawa took that as a yes.

Next came the mountain bikers, in­cluding K' Jana with both his own bike and Sawa's. For some unknown rea­son, Sawa just couldn't help wolf­whistling at Julia in her biking shorts-maybe it just had to do with her looking like a goddess in Lycra tights. Lucky man, he thought of Keilka even as his girlfriend tried to run him down, and worse, scratch his car with the bar ends on her bike. Keilka just gave him that irritating,

AP1uL 1996 •••••••••••••••••••••••••

oh-so-full-of-himself smile as he lifted the bikes onto the rack, but on this breezy, warm morning it just made Sawa laugh.

Finally the scholars made their way to the car with full book bags. Mordy and Isaiah were heatedly arguing phi­losophy and politics already. They were happy. Sawa had to laugh at them the same way the did at K' Jana and Julia who constatitly discussed the cur­rently popular sci-fi show, G'danya. There is more to life guys, he thought, but at least Julia and K' Jana gener­ally realized this.

"All aboard'" Sawa cried as he saw the campus police car enter the park­ing lot in his rearview mirror. With that they were off to a day of fun in the nearby state park.

••••• They started going their separate

ways in the parking lot by the lake shore. Mordy grabbed his pack and an­nounced his intention of finding a nice, quiet place to sit and study. Isaiah was going to take a walk and then do the same. They went their separate di­rections while the four bikers took their bikes from the roof rack and Christian gathered up his gear, includ­ing that prized, fishing-fly encrusted hat of his.

Once he had placed the hat firmly on his head without digging one of the myriad hooks into his scalp, Christian set off toward the creek that fed the lake. He walked for a while until he came upon a stretch of lazy, flat water where he could see the fish swimming and hear them breaking the surface to feed. This was it, he thought, ready­ing his gear to really begin the day, this is paradise.

Meanwhile, the mountain bikers were finding their own form of nir­vana. The trail was much drier than expected, though it was still early in the season, and they zoomed through the forest and across the grass and over logs. They gloried in their own speed and seemed to out race even the wind. They stopped only to drink or when someone, usually Keilka, had a par-

BINGHAMTON REVIEW 21

KEILKA • ••••••••••••••••••••••••

ticularly good crash. After one spectacular event, Julia

hung back to make sure Keilka was still alive. As he stood and dusted him­self off she said to him via their strange mental link, Let s get lost. Then she turned around with a smile and sped off through the trees. Some­thing about her tone made him quite sure that he would win a great prize if he caught her.

If. .. Keilka thought. That was big task as he pursued her though the trees, following her tire tracks in the dirt. He could hear her up ahead, and he "knew" where she was. Now if he could only catch her.

••••• Mordy sat in the shade of a tower­

ing tree with his back against the trunk basking in a patch of sunlight that made it through the boughs. He was going to study, but he was so tired. So tired ...

He watched the shadows shift as the breeze blew through the young leaves. He really ought to be studying ...

He opened the book and read a few words as he listened to some music. Then he yawned. Keynesianism, Marxism, Chicago School. . .it all seemed so unreal here, so out of place. He yawned again so deeply that he thought he had strained something in his mouth and shut the book. It s not like this studying is going to help any­way, he thought. I might as well catch up on sleep and maybe enjoy myself for once.

Enjoy, he thought, what a concept.

He hadn't done that in-well, he couldn't remember how long, and he resented that. In fact he had a lot to resent right now. He started to sigh, but that too quickly turned to yawn.

He laid his head back against the tree in exhaustion and listened to the music. He wanted to think through his problems and his options. He had a major which was killing him, family who had always pressed him to suc­ceed in some academic field because everyone since his great-great grand­mother had at least a Masters in some science, and an offer of an internship in graphic design at a prestigious newspaper based on his scanty portfo­lio from one class and the two campus

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rags he had designed. Two mags, and he hadn't even put

that much time into them' One was K' Jana and Julia's sci-fi thing (he didn't even like that stuff!) and the other was the radical rant rag, Guillo-: tine, that Keilka had recently resur­rected after a 120 year slumber. He nei­ther agreed with the original editor, nor with Keilka, but he laid it out properly, at least, and ignored the politics. All he could say was that it looked pretty damn good, and that Keilka's injection. of Alliancism had proved a stabilizing force mainly because the original editor held beliefs that were untenable in cur- . rent society, noble. as they might have been at the close of the 20th century;

For this he had been awarded a sum­mer internship. How was he going to tell them? How could he explain to his parents that he was sure he wasn't cut out to be an economist or a physicist or a mathematician (or even a chem­ist, biologist or political scientist)? He began thinking of how it might work

KEILKA out, and slowly drifted off to sleep.

••••• Keilka htdfed and puffed as he rode.

He had been riding hard now for a while, but had still failed to catch up with Julia. He'd been thrown from the bike yet again-that made the third ejection since this little jaunt began, and the fifth of the day-only this time he had gotten "chainsawed" in the pro­cess.

Finally even he couldn't keep up the pace he had set, and stopped. After a minute or so for a breather, he thought, well slow and steady can win the race and began to walk the bike while still panting.

After what had seemed like an hour of walking, but was probably a good deal less, he came upon her sitting by a pool of water. Her back was to him and she was combing her hair with her hands in the reflection. He crept to­ward her as quietly as he could man­age in his currently bruised state, and tapped her gently on the shoulder. She

APRn.1996 ••••••••••••••••••••••••

started just a little, then looked up at him, took his hand and smiled ...

••••• Isaiah was sitting on a bench by the

lake. First he had walked in the woods until he thought his feet were going to fall off only "to find· that· they had taken him back here. Then he had read Finally he had fallen to talking with an elderly black man fishing from the bank. The old man was most en­lightening and wise in his own way, Isaiah thought.

"Caught my limit'" Christian de­clared as he walked toward them hold­ing up two strings heavily laden with fish.

The old man leaned over to. Isaiah and said, "Not. everything is· about politics and money. There are some things that go beyond that and others that interest everyone. That was a hard lesson forme to learn when I was your age." Then he looked over at Christian's catch with a fisherman's envy in his eyes. "Leave any for me?"

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he asked the newcomer. "Think so,9t Christian replied as he

laid the fishes down, "you should have seen the ones that got away." He and the old man chuckled at that bit of inane fishing humor.

Yeah, Isaiah thought as the two men watched Christian walk over to the car to fetch his cooking utensils, that:V been a hard lesson for us to learn in the past month since KeUka ~ problem, and one we're still not all the way comfortable with yet. I'm not, Isaiah thought, but at least I 'm not alone.

* •• *. "Don't lock your breaks like that,

it's bad for the bike an' it's bad for the trail!" Sawa shouted to K'Jana while he waited for the latter to de­scend a steep hill. K' Jana cursed un­der his breath, and muttered some­thing about getting killed.

"No you won't...well, what do we have here?" he said as KeUka and Julia emerged from the trees. "Have a good time?" he called out with a leer. Both of them just smiled. They were so pleased with themselves.

When they met up, everyone tried to act as if nothing had happened, and that was cool. Sawa said that they weren't far from where the picnic ground where they said they would meet, and K' Jana suggested they race. Julia was ready to go, but Keilka looked concerned. He was already bruised from head to toe. "At least you heal quickly," K' Jana said, showing off his injury.

"Makes up for being a lousy rider," Julia added.

"Yer onl" Keilka replied snapping his helmet back on and taking off. Julia laughed and followed, but not for long.

*.* •• Isaiah, Mordy and Christian were

all sitting around the fire talking, or rather arguing, but this is what they had come to enjoy most when they were together. From who else could they get a reality check for free? They were haVing a heated discussion, in more ways than one, while Christian was putting the filets into a frying pan.

KEILKA He was cooking and vigorously de­fending some point, absently using his knife to illustrate, when Julia came crashing through the trees.

"Where are they?" she panted to them.

"Dunno," the men said with a shrug. More importantly, they could care less. They certainly didn't want to hear any tales of mountain biker glory.

"You mean they're not back yet?" she replied incredulously.

"Guess not," Mordy said while Christian handed her a cold drink.

"Cool," she panted when she finally finished her long drink. Then she laid her bike down, took off her helmet and gloves and walked down to the lake to cool off with the chill water. The oth­ers came along, eventually. Sawa was the second. He set down the bike, crashed in grass, promised himself that he was absolutely going to lose at least five pounds in the very near fu­ture and lay sprawled and gasping until Julia dumped a load of very cold water on his face.

"Girls can't ride, huh?" she re­marked sarcastically. He was too tired to do anything but moan in reply. Thankfully Keilka's peculiar yowl of pain forestalled any other action. For a sport that he's grown up with, Sawa thought, he's amazingly lousy at it. Soon they saw Keilka's equally pecu­liar form emerge from the trees. No wonder he keeps getting thrown, Sawa thought, he's much too tall and skinny to balance well on a bike. There isn't enough of him, so when he hits a rock, the rock wins, and he gets thrown. This didn't happen to Sawa very often.

K ' Jana appeared just as Christian pronounced the food ready. "He's a re­ally good rider," Julia opined while still cleaning up the most heinous of Keilka's injuries.

"Yeah, he just needs to work on his sense of direction/' Sawa added, grab­bing a plate.

When they were finished eating and the mess had been cleared up, they sat around on a blanket near the fire and talked (yes, talked!). Keilka had gone

BINGHAMTON REVIEW 23 • ••••••••••••••••••••••••

to put the bikes back on the car, and as he walked toward them they could see he was carrying something.

Something that was brown and wriggling ... and rattling. "Oh, not again," Mordy said, not sure whether to laugh or not.

"Look, it's our old friend ... " Keilka said holding the animal up. Julia looked confused, she had seen Keilka with snakes before-she thought it was cool, but had they, too?

"Keilka Nastargixyn, where in the world did you get that?" Christian said feigning fear.

"Oh, there's a whole den of 'em down there. This one's the prettiest of the bunch," he said, holding the large snake in one hand and pointing with the other. "Must of just come out to­day-they're all kinda groggy," he added as he sat down on the blanket. Mordy, by virtue of being closest, was the first to touch it. He had grown a lot since the last time this had hap­pened in November, and had made up his mind today that he wasn't afraid of anything.

Isaiah and Christian held it. They kept looking at each other with fool­ish, 13-year-old, I-can't-believe-I'm doing-this grins, but they were too cu­rious and intrigued to let go. They were as amazed as they were the first time Keilka had brought a rattler. to them, but they were no longer awed by him. Nor were they at each other's throats any longer. Circumstances had changed and so had they. Maybe they didn't always get along even now, and their accord-reached after March's hateful events-was new and fragile, but everyone had to admit that it was a damn sight more pleasant than the other alternatives. As Julia held the snake and let it wriggle from hand to hand, she asked, "So what is it with you guys and rattlesnakes," and they honestly tried to explain.

Dawn MCKibbin is a freelance writer living in Jackson, Wyoming. She holds a Master:V degree in political science from Binghamton University

811arperl e Our hUarlous humorist declares his candidacy for the 2000 presidential elections

amidst a sea of beer, raw meat and antlers

Emust admit the excitement of both the campus elections and the prima . es have really thrown me into the

campaigning mode. So much that I re­cently decided I should run for Presi­dent of the United States in the 2000 elections. I'll have met all the qualifi­cations-I am a natural born citizen, I'll be old enough, I'm breathing, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

Recently I held a press conference to announce my candidacy. Judging by the turnout, I will assume you, the reader, weren't there. So, as a service to my fel­low concerned citizens, I will summa­rize the proceedings. I expect that upon reading it, you, the concerned citizen, will have a clear idea of where I stand on the important issues we face and will have a firm idea as to whether you will support my presidential bid in the year 2000. This press conference was held on March 16 at Mitchell's Ribs, Spuds and Steakhouse-four fine brands of beer on tap-located just minutes from 1-81 in downtown Vllgil, New York. Mitchell does the cooking while his lovely wife Margaret serves the custom­ers. Bingo on Thursdays, Early Birds at 7 PM sharp.

I began with a long-winded speech where I summarized the State of the Union (not as good as it will be after I'm elected), outlined the direction the country needs to go (the direction I will lead), what will happen upon my elec­tion (prosperity for all, especially my-

By Gordon Sharpless

self as I'm guaranteed employment for four years with a real cool pension when I'm done), the problems our country faces now (all the problems to which 1 have a solution, any problem to which 1 have no solution is not really a prob­lem) and who is to blame for all these problems (my opponent). What's that you say? 1 don't have an opponent for the 2000 presidential race? Well then, how about I blame government in gen­eral? I could say government is to blame for everything, therefore when I'm in charge of the government, the government will no longer be the prob­lem even though I said government was the problem. Wait a minute-does this make any sense to you? Me neither. Okay, I blame talk radio and talk tele­vision.

Finally, I pointed out that if we had family values all our problems would be solved-thus I outlined my plan to turn family values into law. By execu­tive order, with the stroke of the spe­cial Family Values Memorial Pen, the same pen used by that great example of Family Values, the Rev. Jimmy "Dammit, I should have paid cash" Swaggert, I will sign the Family Val­ues Law. This prompted the first ques­tion of the evening from my audience. It was from a Mr. Edgar Littleton of Willet, New York.

"Excuse me, Mr. Candidate for Presi­dent, just what exactly is the Family Values Law?"

"It is a law that says all citizens of the United States will observe and ad­here to family values."

"Thank you Mr. Candidate, you have cleared things up for me."

"Glad to help." I went on to outline my plan to abol­

ish the IRS-which in summation says that upon my inauguration I will im­mediately put Super Glue in all the locks at the IRS headquarters in Wash­ington. This prompted numerous ques­tions from my audience. The first one was from, once again, Mr. Edgar Littleton of Willet, New York.

"Sir, what about the other IRS of­fices?"

"I will be placing Silly Putty in everyone's desk."

"And this will be to prevent the workers from getting to the materials contained in their desks?"

"No, it will be for them to play with. Haven't you ever played with Silly Putty? It's fun, I have some with me here."

The second question came from a Mrs. Evelyn Littleton of Willet, New York.

"Edgar, didn't we have some Silly Putty with us on that trip to Saranac Lake last year?"

"Hush, Evelyn. The rest of these people don't care to hear about what we did with Silly Putty on our trip to Saranac Lake last year. "

"Actually, we do," I added. A ma-

APRIL 1996 ••••••••••••••••••••••••• SHARPER IMAGE

BINGHAMTON REVIEW 25 • ••••••••••••••••••••••••

jority of the concerned citizens in at- side of Syracuse. 'Willie 's World of lost control of the situation. The events tendance agreed. At this point the Wheels.·" of the evening far outweighed any con-Littletons took their leave, with Mr. "You ' re appointed." tribution one individual could make. Littleton overheard saying, "Evelyn , I "Don't hire him- hc 's a thief. I I now knew what being president was think we still got some of that Silly bought an Oldsmobile offof Willie back all about. I was reminded of a slogan Putty in the hall closet. " in 1962. Damn if that thing wasn't my I oftcn hear during the election year:

Mr. Warren Eskridge of Lisle, New father 's Oldsmobile." said Mr. Bertram "Nobody for President. " A slogan York had the nexi question: "Now what Windexterham of Smithville Flats. New based on the obvious fact of just who you need with this Super Glue? My York . is truly qualified for the job and who brother-in-law Danny-he owns some At this point an argument ensued so is capable of actually solving the prob­heavy equipment-why him and me. I took the opportunity to present my lems that exist both within our bor­we' lljust go down there with his dozer plan of how concerned parents could ders and throughout the world. None­and level the durn building." become more involved in the education the less, knowing what wonderful ben-

I now had a Secretary of the Inte- of their children . efits being President has, like getting rior. "Don ' t buy an Oldsmobile from to run red lights and having entire

Having firmly settl~ed~~~~~~_W~i~II~!'~' ~~~M~r::... ~W~in~d~e~x~te~r~h~a~m~a::s_~st~a~te:E~::.~fo~r~c~es pick up women for about my position you. I had to press on family values and d on. taxes I moved the Gor on My motorcade discussion to my po- of one pulled away sition of what I be- from Mitchell ' s lieved the role of the for Steak house and United States should headed out to the be in our ever- interstate and on to changing world President The Royal Order of economy. Realizing the Moose, Elk, that we had to assert Gazelle, Antelope ourselves as the and Other Ant-leaders of the 21 st lered Animals century I outlined Lodge 42, located my policy which in Pulaski , New e mph a s i ze d York. As we ap-America 's ability to proached Syracuse be an innovator in I turned to my product develop- driver, Dominic, ment and promo- who was chewing tion . I announced on one of the that my international trade representa­tive would be Ed McMahon.

"Well how about the Commerce De­partment, who 's going to be the head of the Commerce Department, that 's what I want to know. " This came from Mr. William Castleman of Truxton. New York .

I replied that it would require fur­ther study as I wanted to be sure that I could match the important responsibili­ties of the position with an individual having proven success in the complex world of commerce and also being a person of unquestionable character.

"Aw, hell, young man, for forty-two years I ran a used car lot on the south

Mr. Castleman knocked him over the head with the mounted bass that Mitchell caught at the tournament back in 1973 .

"See. that's what's wrong with this country, too many people going around hitting each other upside the head with a fish . You want to talk about our children 's education . how do you edu­cate children when we got Will and Bert over there smacking each other around with a fish that 's been dead for over twenty years?"

At this point it became apparent that my bid for the presidency was going to be slightly delayed as a full scale brawl had taken over the room. I had clearly

steaks he smuggled out of the restau­rant during the melee-it didn' t mat­ter they were raw, it was too dark to tell anyway.

"Dominic, what does this country re­ally need in leadership?"

"Someone who can cook a good steak . man, this thing is tough."

"True, but for the country, I mean, what docs a president really do beside make speeches, ride around in a limo, shake hands with other heads of state, have access to the chief executive toi­let?"

"I've heard it 's quite nice, the seat has an electric warmer for those cold winter mornings."

26 BINGHAMTON REVIEW

••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Okay, but seriously, would it be more effective to stand in front of the public and talk about family values and the deplorable state of our inner cities and our horrible public education sys­tem, or would it be more effective if I announced that New Jersey 's law ban­ning self-serve gasoline would be de­clared invalid?"

" I think you 'd get Jersey on that one alone-add to that a plan to pull the toll booths at 16E and you'd be a shoe­in. Just come up with a similar practi­cal plan for the olher states and you're the next president. For Virginia, invaH­date the law against radar detectors. In Pennsylvania, require all employees of the Department of Transportation to

SHARPER IMAGE drive eighty miles every day, and each day on a different road. Basically, go for the things people face every day. You can talk big ideas all you want, but if it isn 't something folks deal with a lot, it won ' t have any effect. Take those people back at the restaurant. You think they care about NAFTA? NASCAR maybe, but not NAFfA. Get 'em where it hits home."

"And where are we going nexi?" ' Some lodge where a bunch of old

guys wear antlers on their heads and drink lots of beer and burp. Not all that different fTom where we came from, ex­cept for the antlers of course. I couldn 't imagine Bert back there with antlers on his head:'

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APRlL 1996 • •••••••••••••••••••••••

"Yeah. but he looked pretty good with that mounted bass wrapped around his neck."

Upon my arrival at the lodge I was immediately mistaken for the man who delivers the beer kegs. Not having any, I soon found myself surrounded by fifty angry old men wearing antlers of as­sorted varieties and burping a lot.

We ran for it and Dominic success­fully got us off the lot as a Thompson 's Gazelle antier bounced off the roof.

"These people don 't care about poli­tics, they want beer!" I yelled. " Is this America? What about homelessness, crime, drugs, poverty?!"

"People don 't care that much. I mean to say, those men do care. Those issues malter, but if it's not happening in their own backyard, well, give 'em beer in­stead."

"So what are you saying, as presi­dent, ignore these issues and serve beer?"

"That 's not entirely off the mark . If people don't see it , then in their mind, it's not happening, and you ' re not likely to convince them otherwise. You can't dictate day to day livi ng from a big building in Washington . Or create policy that will be equally effective in Washington state as Washington. D.C. The country is too big, too diverse. What you saw tonight was one small segment of society. Can you tell me that what is good for a partner in a large Washington, D.C. law firm, will be equally good for our friends back at Mitchell's Steakhouse? Or vice versa? Can't do it-one size fits all govern­ment is a failure." '

My vice-president. Dominic the Driver.

Meanwhile. we headed back down 1-81 . "Nobody for President" looked bet­ter and better- but a heated toilet seat- hmm.

Gordon Sharpless is slill on Ihe calll­paign Irail. We last saw him near Youngstown, Ohio wearing the antlers frolll a pronghorn an Ie/ope. drinking "Milwallkee s Besl, .. and burping alaI. Trus/ us, it was not a pretty sight.

APRIL 1996 •••••••••••••••••••••••••

Sir Charles on the Democrats

In an interview ,,;th John F. Kennedy. Jr" basketball superstar Charies Barkley criticizes the The Party of Sensitivity and Compassion: "The Democrats will give you fish. but they won't teach you how to fish . The Republicans say .. Hey. if you don 't learn how to fish on your own. you're not going to eat. ' .. .I'd choose any party that wants to put an end to some of those social programs. Just gut them." IGeorge. February I March 19961

More Barkley

When Barkley endorsed former con­tender Steve Forbes for the Republican nomination . he was criticized by hi s grandmother. who told Sir Charles that Republicans favo r the rich. "Grandma. , Gm the rich." Barkley replied. I Na­tional Review. March 25. 19961

Raising the Rauf

Meanwhile, a lesser-known basket­ball player named Mahmoud Abdul­Rauf has apparently taken lessons from BU 's multicultural mavens. The Den­ver Nuggets guard refused to stand for the playing of the national anthem at a basketball game. earning himselfa sus­pension of indefinite length. Rauf said he refused to stand for "The Star Spangled Banner" because America has a history of "tyranny and oppression ." The allegedly oppressed Rauf makes $2.8 million a year. IH'ashington TImes Week!", March 18-24. 19961

Fixing Holes in Rauf

When asked about Rauf's behavior, Ayesha Mustafaa of the .I/I/slim JOl/r­nal in Chicago said Muslims should only resist a government if it tries to change their religion. She adds: '" don 't know of a nation where brother Rauf is going to find a past without sins that need atonement. I don ' t know how he got to be a man without a country." 1I" ashington Times "'~eklv. March 18-2-1. 19961

QUIBBLES & BITS Clinton Adm inistration Explained

In a recent interview. presidential advisor George Stephanopolous gave America some keen insight as to how Our Fearless Leader and her husband make decisions- he keeps a "Magic 8-Ball" in his office. " It's good to know you're not in control of cverything. Su­pers titions tell you th at." sa id Stephanopolous. This may explain our foreign policy. I U.vl Heekend. March 29-31. 1996 1

Get Up There, Kal'yn Bianco!

General Yuri Glazkov, the deputy com­mander of Russi as Cosmonaut Training Center, recently notcd that American as­tronaut Shannon Lucid will be welcome during her five-month long stay on the space station AliI' "We know that women love to clean." All those in favor of mov­ing the Women 's Center to tIIir. say "Ayc!" I Newsweek. April I. 19961

The Crumbling Coalition

A liberal advocacy group for the poor in California is suing the state. claim­ing the minimum wage is so high lhey can 't hire enough lobbyists. 171/e Ameri­call Enterprise, March I ApriL 19961

BIN GHAMTON REVI ~w 27 • ••••••••••••••••••••••••

Keystone Kops

The Baltimorc police stopped a carful of teenagers for joyriding. They hand­cuffed the driver and forced him to lay down on the road. Then they loaded his passengers into a policc van, started the van and ran over the teenager, who they had forgotten about. Fortunately, he was not seriously injured. IReason , April 19961

We Saw This Coming .. ,

As predicted by former Review staffer Brad Levine, student governments arc now subsi dizing dating. The Brown Universi ty SA has embarked on a pro­gram called HUGS, which helps fund a computerized dating service. I u. . Apri l 19961

Bet They Loved 'Show and Tell'

Teachers went on strike last year in the San Diego School District. so the school board hired substitutes. includ­ing topless dancer Cynthia Kemmsies. She says she has a Master's degree, but she plies her trade at a club that caters to sailors. She sa id that one job should have nothing to do with the other. I Cam­P l/S Report, March 19961

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