app writing standards file: mikki (year 5, secure level...

APP writing standards file: Mikki(Year 5, secure level 4)

Table of Contents

Introduction

Writing from character's viewpoint based on Fair's Fair

Play script based on everyday incident

Mythical story

Presentation on pollution in local environment

Overall assessment summary for Mikki

Mikki's attainment across writing

Overall level AF5 AF6 AF3 AF4 AF1 AF2 AF7 AF8 HWP

Secure 5 L4 L4 L4 L4 L4 L4 L4 L4

Node informationPublication date:Feb 2009

Introduction

Traditional story opening

This is a collection of work. Click through the chapters to see the full collection ordownload the attached standards file.

Teaching and Learning Resources p.1tlr.nationalstrategies.dcsf.gov.uk

© Crown copyright 2011

Children used their knowledge of a traditional story to write the opening of anupdated version. They talked about ways of introducing their new hero/heroine andhow the character could be developed through speech and actions. Mikki's writingwas based upon the tale of Rumpelstiltskin.



The text reads: 'Once upon a time, there was a poor milkman who was very sad andfelt like everyone hated him. He had a cousin who was very poor too. One reallysunny day, he invited his cousin to help him deliver the milk. She was very happybecause usally she would sit down and stare at the clock. So she agreed to go withher cousin.' This paragraph is annotated with the notes 'Opening sets scene andestablishes main characters and some description. Style has informal elements, butgenerally appropriate to genre (AF2 L4 b2 and b3)' and 'Fitting opening establishingmain fairy tale character, narrative follows her actions to a plausible if abrupt ending(AF3 L4 b2)'. The words 'and', 'because' and 'so' have been underlined andannotated with the note 'Some subordnating connectives in narrative as well as 'and','and then' (AF5 L3 b2)'. 'Their last stop was at the prince's house. The prince was avery boastful, and selfish man. The milkman rang on his doorbell, and a tall, cruellooking man opened the door. He stared down at the milkman. "This is for you, it isyour milk, sir" mumbled the milkman, shyly. Then suddenly he shouted "My cousincan turn stones into all types of jewellery using a magic machine which is very rare."The girl frowned at her cousin for she could not turn stones into jewellery. "Can she?I'll put her in my attic then and she can show me, ha he ha he ha he haaaaa!!!"' Thisparagraph is annotated with the notes 'Paragraphs/sections help to organise content(AF4 L4 b1)', 'Secure control of tenses in narrative and dialogue (AF5 L4 b3)' and'Commas divide clauses in speech and narrative, sometimes over-used (AF6 L4 b3)'.The phrases 'very boastful, and selfish man' and 'tall, cruel looking man' areunderlined and annotated by a note 'Expansion in noun phrases and adverbialsdevelop characters (AF1 L4 b2)'. 'So the evil prince put the girl in the attic and saidspin this by the afternoon or your head will be chopped off. The girl's face went redwith anger. Then suddenly out of nowhere a witch was stood in front of her. "Whatsyour problem?" screeched the witch, looking at all the sharp stones on the floor. "Ihave to turn all these stones into jewellry and i have not the slightest idea how to doit." groaned the unhappy girl.' This paragraph is annotated with the notes 'Use ofsubordinating connectives in narrative (AF5 L4 b2)' and 'Characterisation developedthrough description dialogue (AF1 L4 b2)'. 'The witch helped her do it but asked,"What will you give me if help you." "Will my tattered bracelet do" she answered. "Isuppose, pass me it then." So the witch turned all the stones into jewellery and evenkept two rings for herself, and then she suddenly disappeared. The prince walked inand laughed then he led her to his spare room filled with more stones.' The lastparagraph is annotated with the notes 'Vocabulary choices emphasise characters'emotions, cause and effect not wholly clear (AF7 L4 b1), 'Speech marks generallyaccurate, some omissions (e.g. question marks) within utterances (AF6 L4 b2)' and'Role of prince appears to be unclear at end. No obvious lead into rest of story (AF3L3 b3)'.

Assessment summary

In this story opening, several features of traditional storytelling are identifiable (AF2)from the opening 'Once upon a time…' and the rapid appearance of conventionalcharacters ('a poor milkman', 'the prince', 'the witch'). Once in motion, the chain ofevents has a sequence, but the motivations for characters' actions are not fullyexplained, despite some ambitious description and engaging use of dialogue (AF1).Paragraphs segment the narrative into main blocks, but connections between themare largely implicit, and it is not clear to the reader how the rest of the story mightdevelop. Sentences are constructed around repeated subjects ('the witch', 'the



prince', 'the girl') and vary in length and structure (AF5), with punctuation generallyused to clarify meaning (AF6). The use of simple subordinating connectives tonarrate and explain tends to fade as the piece progresses, giving way to 'and' or 'andthen' (AF5). Spelling of an appropriate range of vocabulary exceeds the level 4criteria. Overall, there is evidence that this piece meets many of the level 4 criteria.

Writing from character's viewpointbased on Fair's FairThis is a collection of work. Click through the chapters to see the full collection ordownload the attached standards file.

The class had been reading Fair's Fair by Leon Garfield. In this writing examplechildren were asked to rewrite from Jackson's point of view the episode whereJackson meets his future benefactor. Children were reminded to write in the firstperson, with an emphasis on conveying the emotions Jackson feels during themeeting.



The text reads 'He took of his ragged coat and underneath was a black and white suitwith a stripy tie. He also wore a lovely, shiny siver and gold watch on this wrist. Theother man did the same and the two rich and happy gentalmen stood before me andLillypolly smiling and anxiously nodding their heads. Me and Lillypolly looked at eachother in amazement. My heart started pounding with fear and I felt like I wanted torun away. "My name," said one of the men "Is mr Beechem Chambers". I jumpedwhen this man said his name, I didn't belive him because I thought he was justplaying tricks on me and Lillpolly to get us back for eating all his food and staying inhis house. Then he bellowed out this is my lawyer Mr Chuter & Ede. "I'm Jackson" Isaid trembling, then Lillpolly squeaked, "I'm LillyPolly. I got here two days beforeJackson. "We brung your drop back. We'll go now then If you like." The the mananswered you can stay thats if you want to". "Even for Christmas?" "Forever if youlike." My eyes widened and I started to belive the man. "Fairs Fair. All we did wasbring your dog back." Then Mr Beecham Chmabers snwered "Fairs fair, you havedone much much more than that, I'm a old, lonley man and now have no company,so what I thought I would do was let some children stay here who never had homes. Iasked Mr Chuter and Ede to do it why I was away. I made him make sure they werekind, brave, patient, honest and generous. ALl with the help of my dog Gowler. "Howcome?" Me and Lillypolly asked. He answered all of the answers why we wasgenorous, why we was kind, brave, honest and patient, all of them were goodanswers too. I wondered how he knew all of those answers, and I smiled at himcuriously.' Teachers's annnotations: The first paragraph has been annotated with thenotes 'Opening very close to wording in original text. Later passages also taken fromsource, but integrated into slightly expanded version' and 'Some details invented toconvey Jackson's responses (AF1 L3 b1)'. In the second paragraph, the words 'I' and'We' have been annotated with the note 'Use of first person to give inner perspectiveon events, non-standard English in character (AF2 L3 b2)'. Lillypolly's speech hasbeen annotated with the note 'Expands on ideas in story by giving Jackson andLillypolly more speech, in keeping with the original (AF1 L4 b3)'. The word 'widend'has been annotated with the note 'Vocabulary choices express Jackson's reactions(AF7 L4 b1)'. The words 'and' and 'now' have been annotated with the note 'Somesubordinating connectives in newly written sections (AF5 L4 b2)'. The last paragraphis annotated with the notes 'Apart from final sentence, ending less controlled in allrespects, shows attempt to summarise events of story (AF3 L3 b2 and b3) and'Commas in lists and between clauses, not securely (AF6 L4 b3)'.

Assessment summary

This piece is a faithful recount of events in the story rather than offering a differentversion of events from Jackson's perspective. Within a largely derivative scenario,adaptations can be seen in the creation of additional dialogue and expandeddescriptions of Jackson's state of mind.

With much of the text reproduced from Fair's Fair, it is not possible to make a validassessment of many of the AFs. Some of the newly created elements show skills indescriptive writing evidence for level 4 in aspects of AFs 1 and 2, but the piece tailsoff at the point of writing a new summary ending, suggesting attainment more at level3 in AFs 5 and 6.




Play script based on everydayincidentThis is a collection of work. Click through the chapters to see the full collection ordownload the attached standards file.

As part of a unit of work focusing on play scripts, children wrote their own play scriptbased on incidents in everyday life. This followed reading and discussion of playscript layout and conventions, and ways of using dialogue to convey actions.



The script reads 'Act 1, Scene 1 At School Narrator: Everyone is at school waiting forthe bell to ring. (bell rings.) Keira: (Excitedly) Your coming in our car. Megan (andme). Mommy and Tayla and I are coming to your house!!!! Tayla: (Rolling her eyes) Ithink she knows Keira. I mean why would she be getting into our car. Rachel: Thereis some sweets for you all on the seats. (pointing at where they were.) Narrator: Theyarrive at Megans house. Act 1, Scene 2 Megans house Narrator: They knock onMegans door and Michelle (Megans mom) answers the door. Michelle: (quickly)Come in!!! (laughed.) Rachel: (shouting) Tayla, Keira heres your bag with yourclothes in now go and get changed (passes Keira the bag.) Narrator: Megan, Taylaand Keira go upstairs to get changed then comes back downstairs. Megan:(excitedly)Tayla!!! Lets go outside! I am putting my rollerskates on. Tayla: (opens the backdoor.) I am going on your big slide. Weee!!!!. Megan: (comes outside) Keira! dont goto fast on that swing because if you go too high it will come out the ground!!!(screaming quickly.) (Taylor James picks up the football.) Taylor (Megans brother):Ha, Ha, Ha I am going to throw the ball at you!!! Megan: (screaming0 ahhh!!! no!Taylor dont. Narrator: Megan, Tayla, Keira and Taylor were playing outside for about1 hour until Taylors nan came to pick him up. (ding dong) Michelle: Taylor get readyyour nans here. (opens the door) Hello Betty come in! Taylor: (running excitedly)Nnnnaaannnnnnyyyyy!!!!! Betty: (calm) Hello darling!!! Hello Meg! Michelle:(laughing) Thats not Megan its Tayla. Betty: (deep voice) oh Hello Tayla! Tayla:(shyley) Hello. (Megan comes into the kitchen) Megan: Hello Betty!!! Betty: HelloMeg!!! Narrator: soon after Betty went home.' The text has been annotated withteacher notes, saying 'Use of subordinating connectives help to develop ideas (AF5L4 b2)', 'Commas are used in lists and within speech (AF6 L4 b3) Exclamation marksin appropriate places, but overused (AF6 L3 b1)', 'Some time adverbials help shapesequence of evens (AF4 L4 b3)' and 'Punctuation and spacing conventionsdemarcate speech of each character from stage directions, some omissions incapitalisation (AF6 L4 b2).

Assessment summary

This simply plotted play script about friends staying at a classmate's house until theyare collected demonstrates an understanding of the main features of the given texttype (AF2). The basis of the 'drama' is a short recount of events (AF1). The style ofwriting is generally appropriate to the content, although there is heavy reliance on thestage directions for characterisation and moving the action along (AF1), andestablishing time sequence as the organising device (AF3). The use of simplesentences and sentence fragments conveys the nature of informal conversationalexchanges and there is also some evidence of effective use of complex sentences(AF5). Commas are used within lists, and appropriate play script punctuation –brackets and colons – is accurate.

Overall, the piece shows competence in some of the technical features of scriptwriting (level 4), but is less successful at developing ideas (borderline level 3/level 4).




Mythical storyThis is a collection of work. Click through the chapters to see the full collection ordownload the attached standards file.

The task was to write a myth involving a hero or heroine dealing with a probleminvolving an evil character. This followed class work in myths and legends.



The text reads 'There was once a girl called Smantha who was a brave and kind girl.She lived in Antartica with her family and her cat Tilly. It sounds like a lovely place tolive in Antartica, but it wasn't, you see, on the other side of Antartica lived a giant



polarbear with sharp claws and giant, mouldy teeth. Every year the polarbear stompsover to the other side of Antartica, and eats four people, 2 girls and 2 boys.Samantha did not like this at all and every year dreaded that she would be eaten.One evening, on christmas eve, Samantha strolled downstairs bravely. "Mum, I amfed up of that stupid polarbear, stomping into our village every year and eating fourpeople. Soon there will be no more people left." She moaned anxiously. "Darline,there is nothing we can do about it, i'm sorry." She explained sadley. "Oh, yes thereis I am going over to the other side of Antartica, and I will defeat that polarbear." Shebellowed loudly. "But you might get KILLED" she shouted disturbingly. "I don't care, Iam not going to let any more people die" she demanded. "OK, whatever you say, justbe careful." She muttered. "MEOW" Her cat TIlly held out her paw Samantha touchedit gently. Then suddenly Samant could fly and she was invisible, also she had ashiny, silver sword in her hands. Samantha set off for her journey to the polar bear.She was quite quick getting there because she was on wings. She flew into the polarbears cave, he was asleep suddenly a glass jar smashed on the floor and thepolarbear woke up. "ARRRRRR" shouted the polarbear. Then as quick as she couldshe cut his arm. The polarbear fell to the floor as a sparkling tiara. Samantha pickedup the tiara, and set off back home. She flew as quick as she could and hadeveryone counting down to christmas as they do in Antartica "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 Horray!!!." They screamed. Then everyone screamed again when Samantha wasnot invisible and they could see her. Her mum and cat stepped forward "MerryXmas!" she shouted joufully. And placed the tiara on her daughters head.' The firstparagraph has been annotated with the notes 'Appropriate opening paragraph for thegenre. Rapid identification of main characters and indication of viewpoint, though notsustained (AF1 L4 b2)'. The phrase ''sharp claws and giant, mouldy' has beenannotated with the note 'Deliberate vocabulary choices help to build an image of the'monster' (AF7 L4 b1, b2)'. There is also an annotation saying 'Paragraphs divide textin four sections organised by time (AF3 L4 b1)'. The sentences 'Samantha did notlike this at all and every year dreaded that she would be eaten' and '"Mum, I am fedup of that stupid polarbear"' have been annotated with the note 'Reference toSamantha's inner thoughts conveys character, prefigures 'the problem' (AF1 L4 b2)'.The phrase 'She moaned anxously' has been annotated with with the note'Elaboration of feelings ambitious but impact not always controlled (AF2 L4 b3)'. Thesentence "Darling, there is a nothing we can do about it, i'm sorry." She explainedsadley" has been annotated with the note 'Effective range of variation in verbs andtenses in narrative and direct speech (AF5 L4 b3).' The phrases 'strolled downstairs'and 'stomping into our village' are annotated with the note 'Descriptions of maincharacters elaborated by adverbial and expanded noun phrases (AF1 L4 b2)'. Thethird paragraph is annotated with the note 'Commas divide words, phrases andclauses accurately (AF6 L4 b3)'. The phrase 'She flew into the polar bears cave' hasbeen annotated with the note 'Most narrative sentence openings are subject andverb. Across the piece, variation comes through use of direct speech, maintaininginterest and cohesion (AF5 L4 b1 and AF4 L4 b1)'. The third paragraph has beenannotated with the note 'Direct speech accurately demarcated, including punctuationwithin utterances (AF6 L4 b2)'. The closing paragraph is annotated with the note'Conclusion relates to opening (AF3 L4 b2)'.

Assessment summary

This writing provides more evidence of an ability to use the main features of a givenform effectively, with some adaptation to the reader (AFs 1 and 2). The piece starts



promisingly and maintains a logical coherence through the chronology of actions(AF3). The confrontation element is only briefly dealt with, weakening a key feature ofthe text type, and impact trails off towards the end of the tale. Paragraphs help divideepisodes in the tale, and within them content is generally well organised (AF4), withclearer links between them than was seen in Mikki's earlier work. Dialogue anddescription are again used in an attempt to convey a vivid emotional drama (AF1,AF7). Control of sentence types and grammatical punctuation, including in speech, isgenerally secure (AF6, AF5) until the concluding section. Overall, the piece showsevidence of attainment at level 4.


Presentation on pollution in localenvironmentThis is a collection of work. Click through the chapters to see the full collection ordownload the attached standards file.

Children watched a video on pollution around the world then drafted a presentationabout problems in their own area. The aim was to make others consider how to lookafter their local environment.



The text reads: Litter In my area there is too much litter. When you drop litter, rats willcome. This situation could be improved by not dropping litter on the floor, or posterscould be put up to make people not drop rubbish as well. We also need more bins inbusy places such as town centres, playgrounds and near schools because thenpeople will not drop their litter on the ground. Also, when dogs go to the toilet in thestreet, some people leave it there. Owners should clean up after them with a bag andthen put it in the special bins or they could take it home to put in a bin. Air PollutionThe air pollution around here is not so bad but fumes do go around everywhere whenpeople keep driving cars, buses and lorries. You could keep the air fresh by askingpeople not to use cars so much and use bicycles or walk to places near to theirhouses. How many of us walk to school? There is also a lot noise pollution fromshouting, screaming and mini motorbikes. You could ban mini motorbikes and thepolice should stop people shouting and screaming in the evening. How would youlike it if your neighbour did?' The paragraphs titled 'Litter' have been annotated withthe notes 'Sentences and questions are demarcated accurately with some correctuse of question marks (AF6 L4 b1)' and 'Straightforward viewpoint is established,begins with first and ends with second person address (AF1 L4 b3)'. The paragraphstitled 'Air Pollution' have been annotated with the notes 'Subheadings indicate mainsections (AF3 L4 b1)' and 'Some variation in subject and structure of sentences (AF5L4 b1)'. The word 'also' has been highlighted throughout the text and is annotatedwith the note ''Also' used as main way of connecting ideas within and betweenparagraphs (AF4 L4 b2 and AF3 L3 b1) Attempts to introduce each topic but nooverall opening or closing (AF3 L3 b2)'. The words 'because' and 'so' are highlightedand annotated with the note 'Subordinating connectives develop ideas (AF5 L4 b2)'.The words 'should', 'could' and 'would' are highlighted and annotated with the note



'Range of modal verbs express possibilities (AF5 L4 b3)'. The phrases 'How many ofus walk to school?' and 'How would you like it if your neighbour did?' have beenhighlighted and annotated with the note 'Some awareness of the reader throughrhetorical questions (AF2 L4 b3)'.

Assessment summary

Mikki succeeds in raising awareness of a number of issues in her neighbourhood thatcause pollution and makes relevant suggestions about what might be done (AF1).The piece shows a good sense of audience, establishing purpose and viewpoint(AF2) despite the lack of an introduction or formal conclusion. The use ofsubheadings and paragraphing assists with the organisation and coherence ofcontent (AF3). Within paragraphs ideas are linked mainly by topic (AF4). Sentencestructure and punctuation is accurate (AF6) and the use of subordinators such as'when' and 'because' extends some meanings and helps to vary emphases (AF5).

There is evidence for the AFs at both levels 3 and 4 and there are sufficient aspectsof level 4 to warrant an overall judgement of level 4.


Overall assessment summary forMikkiThis is a collection of work. Click through the chapters to see the full collection ordownload the attached standards file.

This collection demonstrates skills across the range of AFs in several types ofwriting. The strongest evidence comes from imaginative fiction, although there is anargumentative piece about litter and a play script based on an account of everydayexperience. Mikki's writing is notable in its use (sometimes overuse) of words andphrases to depict emotions and describe characters. While the protest piece aboutlitter shows that she is able to sustain and develop an argument logically, in some ofher narrative writing, pace is less well controlled with a tendency for abrupt endingsor underdeveloped plots. She shows generally sound control of sentence grammarand punctuation, including sentence-internal punctuation in speech and narration.Sentence types are varied in different forms of writing, again generally effectively,particularly in final sentence endings.



Overall this collection of work is best described as meeting the criteria for securelevel 4, with more evidence needed of work that is less closely tied to models ofwriting given by the teacher.




app writing standards file: mikki (year 5, secure level...

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