“T’s”ofSingleFatherhood(Parenting)

SingleFatherhoodandtheletter“T”

Thispastweekwillstandoutinmymemory.HadagreattimewithmysononVeterans’Day,wentonabusinesstripwithafavoriteclient,sawmanyoldfriends,madenewfriends,andgotengagedonSaturday.

So,technically,Iwillnotqualifyasafull-timedadmuchlonger.ButthisblogwillcontinueaslongasIcanprovidecontentofvaluetoyou.Plus,everypostseemstohelpme(andsomemarrieddads)parentalittlebetter-remindmeofsomethingsforgottenorneglected.

PhotoCredit:BTalviaCompfightcc

Reservingtherighttointerrupttheupcomingseriesshouldsomethingpertinentcomealong,IplantotakethenextseveralweekstoaddresswhatIcalltheT'sofsinglefatherhood.Yes,theycanapplytoallfathers,butwefacesomeuniquechallengesandhavesomeincredibleopportunitiesIwouldliketoexplorewithrespecttothesewords:

• Time• Touch• Teach• Train• Talk• Truth

• Trust• Therapy• Thank• Thrive• Transform• Tailor

Ilookforwardtoagreatconversationahead-pleasejoinme.

Doyouhaveasuggested"T"wordtoaddtothislist?

Time

NoquotefromHarryChapin's"Cat'sintheCradle"inthisblogpost.Asafull-timesinglefather,youhavealreadycommittedtospendingtimewithyourkids.Lotsoftime.Infact,youmayfeelabitofguiltwhenyouwishyoucouldgetabreak.

Yougiveyourkidsanincrediblyvaluablegiftwiththattime.Nomatterwhathappenedtogetyoutothisplace,younowhaveprimaryresponsibilityforthemandwillspendalargeportionofyournon-workinghoursbeingdad.

PhotoCredit:BusyChrisviaCompfightcc

Youngchildrenrequiregreaterandmoreintenseattention.Feedings,diapers,baths,reading,playing,morediapers,andmorefeedings-justtappingthosewordsoutonmykeyboardremindedmehowexhaustingthoseyearswere.Youmayhavehelp,butwhenyouhavethosekidsaloneyourtimeisconsumed.

Whenyouchangediapers,olderpottytrainedkidsseemeasier.Seemistheoperativeword.

Intuitively,weallknowparentingrequireslotsoftime.Weallknowtimeinvestedinarelationshipnurturesandgrowsit.So,itwouldseemparenting-especiallyifyouparentthemajorityofthetime-wouldresultinawesomerelationshipswithyourkids.

Again,seemistheoperativeword.

Ihavespenttimewithmysonandsquanderedtimewithmyson.IhavebeenpresentwithmysonandIhavebeeninthesameroomasmyson.IhavelistenedtomysonandIhavebeenawaresomecreaturewaschatteringsomewhereintheroomwhileIrespondedtoanemail.Yougettheidea.

Wewouldnotfunctionifeverymomentofeverydayinvolveddeeplevelsofintimatecommunicationandattentiontoourkids.Theywouldgocrazy,too!But,wecanbegintoidentifythosemomentswecanleverageandallowfordeepconnection.

Iwroteaboutthevalueofabedtimeritual-intimateandqualitytime.Isuggestedwepayattentiontotheirpromptingforyourtimeandpresence,evenifitinvolvesacartoon.

Wehavebeengiventimewithourkids-somethingweshouldthankGodfor.So,let'shandlethetimewell.Givethisatry:

• Ifyourkidsaretooyoungtoeffectivelycommunicate,writedowntwowaysyoucanhavequalitytimewithyourkidseachdayanddothem.Thiscouldincludeanythingfrom10-15minutesoffocusedplaytimeatmorningandatnight,toreading,togoingforawalk,ortothrowingaball.Discoverwhatyourkidsenjoyandwhattheyenjoydoingwithyou...anddoit.

• Ifyourkidsareolder,askthemtotellyoutwothingstheylikedoingwithyou.Thendothosethingsonaconsistentbasis.

Howdoyouspendqualitytimewithyourkids?Whatbenefitshaveyouseen?Whatgetsinthewayofspendingqualitytimewiththem?

Touch

Inasplitsecond,happinessturnedintoagony.

Myson’sfootlandedonthe“wrongspot”theduringarun-of-the-millwrestlingmatch.Itwasnotthefirsttimeandcertainlywillnotbethelast.

PhotoCredit:BrianAuerviaCompfightcc

Icallatime-outandrolltotheedgeofthelivingroomandcurluplikeababy.AfewdeepbreathsandbeforeIknowit,mysonisgivingmeahugandapologizing.OnlyafewwordsareneededtoreassurehimIwillbeOKandknowitwasanaccident.Ishakeitoffandgetbackinthering.

Soundfamiliar?Whydokidsfindthemostvulnerablepartsofourbodiestoaccidentallyhit,kick,andpoke?Whydowesubjectourselvestonon-accidentalhitting,kickingandpoking(alsoknownasroughhousing)?

Bonding.Notmuchdifferentthanahug,kissorreassuringtouch.

MysonlovestocuddleandwatchTV.Hewantshisbackscratchedatbedtime.HewillsnuggleupwhileIreadabooktohimandjustasquicklybody-slammeandbegtowrestle.

Hedoesthisbecausetouchmakesconnectionsandbonds.Wehaveallreadstoriesaboutbabiesinorphanageswhodonotreceiveadequatetouchfromadultssufferingfromphysicalailments,suppressedneurodevelopment,andemotionalproblems.

Wealsoknow,asmen,womentendtobebetterattouch.Youmaybeanoutlier,but,ingeneral,menhaveroomtoimproveinthisarea.

So,doesyourkidrespondtotouch?Doesyourkidpesteryou,pokeyou,prodyou?Couldhebelookingforphysicalcontactorphysicalreassurance?

Takeamomenttoconsiderthewaysyouengageinphysicaltouchwithyourkid.Itcouldberoughhousing,tickling,orhugging.Itcouldbenoneofthose.

Again,IcommendtoyouDr.GaryChapman’sbook-TheFiveLoveLanguagesofChildren-whichexploresthesubjectofphysicaltouchandevenprovidesanassessmenttooltodiscoverhowhighlyitranksforyourkid.

Overthenextfewdays,payattentiontohowyouusephysicaltouchwithyourkid.Doesahug,kissontheheadoraticklefightchangehowyouinteract,improvehismood,orstrengthenyourrelationship?Doyoustrugglewithevenrememberingtoshowphysicalaffectiontoyourkid?Doyoufallintothecategoryofguywhojustwishestherewasawomanaroundtodothehuggingandcuddling?

Whenmomisnotaroundonaconsistentbasistosupplyphysicaltouchtoyourkid,youneedtofillthoseshoes.

Whatbenefithaveyoufoundwhenyoushowaffectionorengageinphysicaltouchwithyourkid?

Teach

PhotoCredit:anastasia_vitoviaCompfightcc

Doyourfriendsalwaysseemtosomehowteachtheirkidalifelessonaboutsomethinglike“findingmargininlife”whiletheywerebothchangingtheoilinthefamilyminivanandsomeoiloverflows?Ioftenmissthoseteachablemomentswithmyson,andIadmittedlycannotchangetheoilinmySUV.

ThoseteachablemomentsseemtoescapemewhenIam:

• Distracted• Disconnected• Exhausted• Exasperated

Infact,mostteachingsuffersundertheaboveconditions.Itsuffersbecausewemissopportunities.Itsuffersbecauseourkidslearnfromourdistraction,disconnection,exhaustion,andexasperation—theylearnfromusandbecomelikeus.

Ibecameafull-timesinglefatherwhenmysonwassix.Sonsnaturallylearnfromtheirfathersatallages,butatsix,hewasparticularlyinterestedinwhatIhadtosayandhowIacted.Iknowhecloselyobservedmeandwantedtohelpinthekitchen,exercisewithkettlebells,andgotrailriding.HeseemedtowanttolearnthingsIdidaroundthehouseandforrecreationmuchmorethanhewantedtolearnspellingormathatschool.

Asheaged,hisinterestinwhatIdidandhowIdiditincreased.AsdidhisobservationabouthowIspoke,whatwordsIused,howIletlifeaffectmymood,andhowIspokeaboutthedivorceandhismom.

Ourkidspayverycloseattentionallallwesayanddo.So,ifthegrindofwork,laundry,cooking,cleaning,dating,homework,finances,anddealingwithourexesleadsustobecomeeasilydistractedanddisconnectedfromourkidsorexhaustedandexasperatedbyourkids,weneedtostopandassessthesituationandmakesomechanges.

Eachoneofusfacesdifferentdailychallenges,butweallteachourkidsaboutlifeinthemidstofthem.Howcanweavoidmissingthoseteachablemomentsormodelingless-than-desirabletraits?Thesepracticeshavehelpedme:

Takecareofyourself.Eatwell,getsomeexercise,play,andgetplentyofsleep.Thiswilldowondersforyourmentalstateandyourabilitytostayfocusedandpositive.Oneofmyfavoritelifestylebooksis“ThePrimalBlueprint”byMarkSisson.I’vebeenreadinghisblog,Mark’sDailyApple,foranumberofyearsandfindhisapproachtodietandfitnesstobespoton.Ihighlyrecommendit…andyourkidswilllovehisemphasisonplay.Someofthebestteachablemomentscomewhenweplaygamesandgetawayfromelectronics(whichwearejustasormoreaddictedtoasourkids).Plus,teachingourkidstocareforthemselvesandtheirhealthwillpaydividendswellintothefuture.

Read.IreceivedadegreeinEnglishliteratureincollegeandusedtoreadvoraciously.Now,whenIgetintobedandopenabook,Ibarelymakeitpastafewpagesbeforefallingasleep.Isetagoaltoreadmoreconsistentlyin2015forseveralreasons.First,Ienjoyreadingallsortsofbooks.Ihavenotreadenoughfictionandmissagoodstory.Second,readingkeepsthemindsharpandmakesusbetterteachers.Mostleadersinbusiness,politicsandculturereadconsistently.Evenpickingafewblogsontopicsofinteresttoreadeverydaywillsharpenthemindandbroadenthematerialsyoucandrawfromtoteachyourkids.Plus,they’llseeyoureadandmayevenmimicyou.

Includeyourkids.Themoreyouinviteyourkidsintoyourchoresandroutine,themoreopportunityyouwillhavetospeakintotheirlivesandteachthemboththepracticalandtheconceptual.SometimeswegetthingsdonemorequicklywhenthekidshavetheirnosespressedupagainsttheiPad…andthatisOKsometimes.Buthowmuchmoreopportunitywouldyouhavetoconnectwithyourkidsandteachlifelessonswhentheyjoinyouinthegarage,thekitchen,ortheyard?

Whatisthebest“teachablemoment”youhavehadwithyourkids?

Train

Growingup,mydadtrainedBrittanySpaniels.WeusedthemforhuntingquailandhecompetedwiththeminAKCfieldtrials.Overtheyears,weendedupwithseveralnationalchampionsandIhaverichmemoriesofspendingweekseach

summerintheWhiteMountainsofArizonaforthetrialsandcountlessquailhuntingtrips.

PhotoCredit:vishnubhagat123viaCompfightcc

Youngbirddogsgothroughatimeof“breaking”wheretheylearntostaystillwhenabirdflushesfromabush.Asyoucanimagine,whenabirdtakesflight,thedogwouldreallyliketochaseitandcatchit.However,thehandlerwantsthedogtostandstillsohecansafelytakeaimandshootthebird…andnotthedog.

Weusedrepetitiontotraintheyoungdogs.Wealsousedshockcollarstobreakthemfromchasingthebirds.Don’tworry,thisdidnotharmthedogsorleadtothemneedingtherapy.

Kidspresentanentirelydifferentparadigmrelatedtotraining.Wenotonlywantto“break"ourkidsofbadhabitsandrudebehavior,butwewanttotraintheminawaythatbringsouttheuniquenessofeachofthemandencouragethemtoflourish.Howdowedothis?

Generally,momsexcelinareasdealingwithhygiene,manners,gift-wrapping,andempathy.

Dadsusuallydoagreatjobtraininginphysicalactivity,lightingfireworksandright-brainedstuff.

Ourjob,assingledads,requiresustocoverallthebases.Andwearenotallowedtouseshockcollarswhenourkidusesbadmannersatthedinnertable.

So,howcanwesetourselvesuptotrainourkidswell?

Seekinputfrommoms.Finda“mom”whohasfrequentinteractionswithyourkidsandaskthemtogivehonestinputaboutwhattrainingtheyneed.Othersnoticelittlethings,andsomebigthings,wemayhavenoclueabout.Thankthemfortheinputandseektrainingtips.

Engagekidsineverydaytasksandspecialchores.Givingourkidsresponsibilityandcompensationwillhelptrainthem.IappreciatethecontextDaveRamseyputsthisin-somebehaviorsareessentialtojustbeingpartofthefamily(clearingyourplate,pickingupclothes,andotherage-appropriatetasks),andothersdeservecompensation(ora“commission”).Thiswillbothfeelapartofthefamilyunitandtrainthemtoactresponsiblywhethertheygetpaidornot.

Consideroutsidetraining.Occasionally,mydadwouldsendadogoffwithaprofessionaltrainerforspecializedinstruction.Forourkids,wehaveJuniorAchievement,BoyScoutsandGirlScouts,teamsports(sportsmanship,playingwithothers),andmanyothers.Often,whatwehavetoldourkidsformonthswillfinallysinkinwhenanotheradultgivesthesameinstruction.Frustrating,butareality.YouandIdidit,too!

Whathasbeenthehardestthingtotrainyourkid(s)todo?

Talk

“Hi,son!Howwasyourday?"

“Fine."

"Whathappenedatschool?"

“Nothing."

“Anythinghappenyouwouldliketotalkabout?"

“No."

Soundlikeafamiliarconversationwhenyoupickyourkidup?

Forourpurposes,wewillacknowledgeconversationbetweenfatherandchildbenefitsboththefatherandchild.Wewillacknowledgetheimportanceofverbalcommunicationforthedevelopmentofourkidsfromasocialandemotionalstandpoint.

PhotoCredit:AlkavareviaCompfightcc

IfyouhavehadexperiencesliketheoneIsharedabove,weneedtomovebeyondthe“why"andgettothe“how”.

OBSERVE:Whendoyouliketotalktoothersandwhendoyouliketobeleftalone?Doyouwantpeaceandquietbeforebreakfast?Untilyougettowork?Doyouneedsometimetodecompressafteralongdayandcollectyourthoughtswithoutengaginginconversation?Well,ourkidshavesimilarpreferences.Learnyoursandlearntheirs.Usethatinformationtodeterminethebesttimetoengageinmeaningfulconversation.Manykidsdonotwanttotalkabouttheirdayatschoolimmediatelyafterleaving,andinsteadwouldliketolistentomusicorshootsomehoops-notagoodtimetoactivelyengage.Instead,figureoutwhentheyaremostopen.Formany,itisatbedtime(seemypostaboutbedtimeritualsforsomethoughtsonthis).

ASKQUESTIONS:Wouldyourathergetalectureorengageinadialogue?Often,weequatetalkingtoourkidswithtellingourkidswhatwethink.Instead,observewhichquestionspiquetheirinterestandelicitaresponsemorethanasimple“yes”or“no”.Sometimeourkidsneedtohearfromusinthelectureformat,buttalkingtotheminvolvesatwo-waydialogue.Properlyworded

questionscansometimesteachmorethananydroninglecturebecausetheyencourageourkidstothinkaboutchoicesandthereasonsbehindthem.

INVITEQUESTIONS:WeusedtohaveatimebeforebedwhereItoldmysonhecouldaskmeanyquestionhewantedwiththepromiseIwouldgiveanhonestanswer.Whenhewouldaskaboutthedivorce,Ihonestlytoldhimitwasnotappropriateformetodiscussandwentrightintomy“brokenrecord”explanation.WhenhewouldaskaquestionaboutanaspectofscienceIdidnotknow,ItoldhimIwoulddosomeresearchandgetbacktohim.SometimeshehadnoquestionsandsometimesIknewtheanswer.Encouragingourkidstoaskquestionsseemstomakethemmorecomfortablewithtalking-atleastitdidwithmyson.

LISTEN:Inthosemomentsyouwanttoreallytalktoyourkidsandconnect,givethemyourattentionwhentheytalk.Letthephonekeepringing.DonotcheckyourtextmessageslikePavlov’sdogwhenthealertsounds.Turnoffthetelevision.Engageineyecontactandrepeatwhattheysaidtoyousotheyknowyoulistenedandunderstood.Ifourkidssensewedonotpayattentiontothem,whywouldtheytalk?

DOSOMETHINGACTIVEWHILEYOUTALK:Throwingafootball,goingforawalk,orswingingattheparkcanbegreatways(especiallywithboys)toconnectandconverse.Theystillhaveyourattention,butthereisjustsomethingaboutwalkingandtalking....

Becauseweregularlyplaytheroleofdadandmom,weneedtoredoubleoureffortstoconnectwithourkidsinconversation.Theyneedtoexpressfeelingsandaskquestions,buttheymaynotifthefoundationsofregularcommunicationdonotexist.

Mysonhasrecentlysharedsomeconcernswithmeonhisown,withnopromptingandseeminglyoutoftheblue.IhavetoldhimhowappreciativeIamheaskedmeandthankedhimfortrustingmewithsomethingbugginghim.Idonotbelievehewouldhaveaskedhadwenotdevelopedourcommunicationskills.

Havingsaidthat,Istillget“fine”and“no”whenIpickhimupfromschool.Andthenheturnsontheradio.

Whendoyoufindyourkidsmostwillingtohaveagoodconversation?

Truth

“Yoursonwillneverlietoyou.Butdonotbelieveawordhesays."

Letitsinkin...

Ihadthesamethoughtsyouhaverightnowwhenmyson’stherapisttoldmethis.Butyouneedsomecontext.Mysonwassevenatthetimeandwhathetoldmytherapistandmeaboutsomeeventsdidnotseembelievable.Later,sheremindedmehewassharinghisperceptionsofevents,andeventhoughhiswordsgaverisetoconcern,Ishouldtakethemwithagrainofsalt.

Hetoldmethetruth,buthistruthandrealitymaynotcompletelyalign.

Hehadnomotivationtodeceiveme,buthisabilitytounderstandandinterprettheactionsandwordsofadultsconfusedhimandhisrealitymaynotpreciselyreflectwhatwassaidanddone.

Enoughpsychobabble.OntowhatyouandIfaceeveryday.

PhotoCredit:Lucky1988viaCompfightcc

Kidstakewordsquiteliterally.Itisallfunandgameswhenwetellthemthemoonismadeofcheese,butaltogetherdifferentwhenthe“parent”hatisonwithseriousmatterstodiscuss.

Ineverwantmysontoquestionmyintentionsoractions.Iwantclarityandwanthimtofeelcomfortableaskingforclarificationifhedoesnotunderstand.

Thatonlycomeswhenyourhomehasacultureoftruth.Iamallforblamingthedogforafart,but,again,onseriousmatters,ourkidsneedustobehonest.

SomeofthewaysIfosteracultureofhonestyandtruthare:

Saying“Idon’tknow”whenIdon’tknow.Wedonothavealltheanswersandourkidsneedtoknowit.Whetherwedonotknowthemathequationtofindthevolumeofaboxordonotknowwhyorhowtoexplaintheactionsofourexes,wehavethefreedomtosay“Idon’tknow.”Wecannotstopthere.Wecanempowerourkidstoexploreandfigureoutmathequations.Wecanalsogiveourkidssomeinsighttobeinganormalpersonwhomaynotunderstandtheactionsorwordsofanother-torestinthetensionthatwewillnotalwaysbeabletofigureoutwhyfriendsandfamilydothings.Whyabestfriendwouldsaysomethinghurtful.Whyasiblingwouldlashoutandcallthemnames.Wemaynotalwaysknowtheanswer,butwecancontrolourresponseandreaction.

Inviteclarification.Askyourkidstorepeattoyouwhattheythinkyousaid-especiallywhendiscussingdifficultissues.Getyourselfandteachthemtoseekclaritysocommunicationbecomesclearandconfusiondisappears.Thisdisciplinecanhelpeveryoneathome,school,work,andlife.

Affirmthevalueoftheirwords.Mysoncomesupwithsomeprettyfantasticalstuff.Hesawarattlesnakewhilehiking.HesawaGreatWhitesharkwhenkayakinginSanDiegoBay.Someonesteppedonhisfacewiththeircleatduringflagfootball.Insteadofdeflatingtheirstoriesweshouldengage,seekclarification,andhelpthemnavigatetheawesomeworldofchildhoodimaginationandplay.Wecangentlypushthemtowardtruthandremindthemofthestoryoftheboywhocriedwolf.Butwecanalsoletthembekidsandremembertheirperceptionsofrealitymaydifferfromoursdependingontheirageanddevelopment.

Behonest.Thisshouldgowithoutsaying.YouandIhavealreadydiscoveredhowcloselyourkidslistenandhowmuchtheyremember.Ifwedeceiveourkids,theywilllearnfromusanddothesame.IrememberwhenmysonjustturnednineandheaskedmeaboutSantalikehehaddoneinyearspast.Butthistimewasdifferent.Hisdemeanor,histone,andhiseyestoldmeitwastimetolethim

knowthetruth.Healsoaskedmeabouthismomandmydivorce.Tothisday,Itellhimthetruth-allheneedstoknowisthathismomandIlovehimandthedivorcewasnothisfault.Itdoesnotanswerthequestionhewantsanswered,butitishonest.

Whatisthemostawesome/funnymakebelievestoryyourkidshavetold?

Trust

IheardastoryaboutafatheranddaughtervisitingtheGrandCanyonandwalkingalongoneofthetrails.Onenarrowstretchofdirtpathwayappearedquitetreacherousandthefathergotalittlescared.Heaskedhisdaughtertoholdhishandforsafety.

PhotoCredit:JimBoswellviaCompfightcc

Thedaughterreplied,“No,youholdmyhand.”

Puzzled,thefatheraskedwhatthedifferencewas.

Thedaughterreplied,“IfIholdyourhand,Imightletgoifsomethinggoeswrong.Ifyouholdmyhand,Iknowyou’llneverletgo.”

First,letmeapologizeforusingasappystory.Iwilltrynottodoitagain.

Second,let’stalkabouttrustinourrelationshipwithourkids.Whendeath,divorceorseparationhasbroughtthemintoapredominatelysingle-parentworld,trustcanbetenuous.Candadbetrustedoristheworldnowanuntrustworthyplace?Willmyquestionsbeansweredhonestlyorwilldadlietomakeeverythingseembetter?

Yourkidsmaybeaskingslightlydifferentquestions,butatthecore,theywanttoknowiftheycantrustyourwords,yourpresence,andyourcommitment.

Thelittlegirlinthestoryviewedhandholdingasarelationalbond,notaphysicalone.

So,howdowefosteratrustingenvironmentwithourkids?Thinkabouttheseideas:

IDOWHATISAY:Myson(andIsuspectyourkids)holdsmyfeettothefirewhenitcomestoconsistencyandfollowthrough.EvertellyourkidiftheydoachoreyouwilltakethemtoQuickTripforatreat?Nanosecondsaftertheycompletethetask,theyarealloveryouaboutwhenyouwilltakethem.AmIright?

Everthreatenyourkidwithpunishmentforsomeminorinfraction(mainlybecauseyouarefrustratedandtired)andthennotactuallyinvoketheconsequence?Yourkidwillrememberyourthreatscanbeidle.Trustisdiminished.

Beslowtospeakandbethoughtful,becauseyourwordsneedtomatchyouractions.Trustwillincreasewhenyourwordsholdtrue.If,forsomereason,,youcannotfollowthrough,takethetimetoofferanexplanation…andhonestexplanation…sotrustwillnoterode.

ISAYWHATIDO:Kidshaveamazingimaginations.So,ifyouallowthemroomtocreatetheirownnarrativeforwordsorfactsyouleaveoutofanexplanation,theywillcomeupwithsomeamazing(andpotentiallyharmful)stories.KindoflikeabadgameofparentingMadLibs,exceptnotasfunnyandpossiblyharmfultoyourrelationship.

MysonprettyconsistentlyaskedmeifIwasdatinganyone.Infact,weweredrivingbackfromvisitingmyparentsoneday,andheinformedmeIcouldgetagirlfriendsimplybyprovidingsomepertinentinformationtoeHarmony.com.He

wassevenatthetimeand,frankly,mydatinglifewasnotanyofhisbusiness.But,hecaredenoughtoaskanddeservedanappropriateanswer.Igavehimanhonestanswerhecouldunderstandathisage,andhewasnotforcedtomakeuphisownnarrativeaboutmydatinglife.

Uncertainlyandmysterydonotfostertrust.Giveage-appropriateorsituation-appropriateexplanations,butdonotforceyourkidstocreatetheirownexplanationswhenyoucouldotherwisebuildtrust.So,likethegirlinthesappystorysuggested,leanintoyourrelationshipandstrengthenthebondwithyourkids.

Nameatimeyouhavethreatenedapunishmentandnotfollowedthrough.Whatweretheconsequences?Also,shareaquestionyourkidsaskedandyoudidnotwanttogiveananswer.

Therapy

IntheearlydaysoforiginalprogrammingonComedyCentral,Dr.Katz,ProfessionalTherapisttoldthestoryofaneurotictherapist,hisneuroticson,andlotsofgueststarswithmultipleneuroses.

WaybeforeDr.Katzwastheold-schoolBobNewhartShowfullofgreatcharactersandstoriesfromthetherapist’scouchwaybeyondmycomprehension.

EvenTonySopranowenttoapsychiatristandtheshowgotallFreudianonusattimes.

Well,putallthosecharacters,generalizations,andpreconceivednotionsoftherapyasideandconsiderthefollowing–asasingledad,somekindoftherapymaybeinyourfuture!

Givenyourpositioninlife,youmayhavealreadybeentoacounselorforsomethingassociatedwiththedepartureofyourkids’motherwhetheritcamefromdeath,divorceorseparation.AndyouprobablydidnotseeanyonequitelikeDr.Katz.

Instead,youprobablysawalicensedtherapist,counselor,psychologistorpsychiatristwhohelpedyouprocessthings–likeemotions–manyguysstrugglewith.Youmighthavealsogottensometoolstohelpyoudealwiththoseemotionsandgottensomerealvalueoutofyourinvestmentoftime.WhileIhavenotfinishedthebookyet,youshouldcheckoutDonaldMiller’snewbook,“ScaryClose”whichexplorestheseissues–whatIhavereadsofarisexcellent.

Forourkids,therapycanhavegreatvalue.Maybeatherapistgivesyoutoolstohelpyouplaywith,talkto,relateto,orbetternurtureyourkids.Maybeatherapistcanserveasthetrustedpersonyourkidcantalktoaboutthelosstheyexperience.Maybeapsychiatristcanassistindealingwithneurological/biologicalissuesaffectingyourkid’smentalhealth.

Inshort,wehavemanytoolsatourdisposalassingledads,andtheseprofessionalscan,andoftenshould,playapartinourlives.Ifyouhavealreadyseenone,youknowthevaluequalitytherapydelivers.

Ifyouhavenot,considergoingtoonespecializinginfamily/childrentodonothingmorethancheckinandtalkaboutyoursingleparentingexperienceandsomeofyourconcernsandfrustrations.Youmightgetsomeofthoseparentingtools,enhanceyoureffectiveness,andbringgreateremotionalhealthtoyouandthekiddos.

Ifyoudonotknowwheretofindone,askanothersingleparent,yourattorney,oraleaderatyourchurch.

Inshort,donotletpreconceivednotionskeepyoufromutilizingapotentiallypowerfultooltoimproveyourparentingandyourkids’emotionalhealth.

Whatwasthemosteffectiveorimpactfulparentingtoolorlessonyougotfromatherapist?

Thanks

Istoodthereintheclimbingharness,unabletogetcomfortabledespitetheconstantadjusting.Thecrispmountainairfeltgreatandalmostmademeforgetthediscomfort.

IlookedupattheobstaclecourseatFlagstaffExtremeandhonestlythoughtthewirelinesdidnotlookveryhigh,atleastcomparedtowhatIanticipated.

Idominatedtheinstruction/democoursewhichsatafullfourfeetabovetheground.Bringontherealdeal.

PhotoCredit:KateHedinviaCompfightcc

Lessonlearned.Lookingupatawireorobstacle25feetfromthegroundcouldnotcomparewithlookingdownatthegroundfrom25feet.Ihadsomeseriouspuckeringgoingonupthere.

Weallknowthepowerofperspective.Aslightlydifferentangle.Adifferingopinion.Thewisdomofanelder.Apairofglasses.Eachcancompletelychangewhatwesee.

Takeamomenttoforgetthecooking,thelaundry,thebills,thetoysontheground,thecrying,thedirtyshoes,theglitter,thehomework,thelittleleagueteam,theWiggles,andtheLegoyoujuststeppedon.

Takeamomenttoadjustyourperspectiveandexpressthanksyoucancallyourself"dad".

Tellyourkids"thanks"forsomethingtheydidnomatterhowsmall.

Incorporate"thanks"(orgratitudeorgratefulness...whicheverresonateswithyou)forfatherhoodandyourkidsintoyourprayers,yourconversations,andyourthoughts-especiallywhenchaosreigns.

Whenyouhavethose"pucker"momentswithyourkids,justremembertobethankfulyouhavetheprivilegeofbeingadad.Itmayhelpyoubeabetterone.AndI,forone,couldusethehelpsometimes.

Thrive

Ilovezombieshows.

AsateenIwatchedGeorgeA.Romero'sDawnoftheDeadandLucioFulci'sZombie.Iwashooked.

PhotoCredit:whatsupbuttercupviaCompfightcc

Somethingaboutthosestoriesconnectwithme.Idonotsubscribetothenotionofacomingzombieapocalypse,Iamnotaprepper,andIdonothaveastockpileofcrossbows,gunsandknives.

ButIconnectwiththerawnotionofsurvival.Preservationoflife.Mylife.Andmykid'slife.

Stickingwiththepost-apocalyptictheme,CormacMcCarthy'sTheRoadtellsapowerfultaleofafather'sdeepdrivetoprotecthisson.Survival.

Lifeasasingledadtriggersthesurvivalgene.Wewanttoprotectourkids,andwealsowanttosurvivethesometimes-overwhelmingexperience.

Ihaveamentoringrelationshipwithatremendousmanoffaithandencouragement.Duringoneofourmeetings,hedeclaredtomehisdesiretoseemethrive.Thewordhungintheair.Thrive.

Thrive:growordevelopwell,prosper,flourish.

Ithadbeeneasyformetoacceptwordsofconsolationforsingleparenting.Iletthosewordsputmeinamindsetofsurvival.

Mymentorcalledmetothrive.

ThelateMayaAngelousaidthis:"Mymissioninlifeisnotmerelytosurvive,buttothrive;andtodosowithsomepassion,somecompassion,somehumor,andsomestyle."Parenting-singleornot-takeseachofthose...especiallyhumor.

Howdowepivotfromsurvivingtothriving?

Donotliveinfear.Insteadteachourkidsaboutgrowingup,aboutwhatitmeanstobeamanorwoman,aboutresponsibility,andaboutmakingsmartchoices.IknowIhavemadeenoughmistakestoteachandimpartwisdomfromexperience.

Takethetimetoreflectonyourparentingstyle-doyouoperateoutofsurvival?Doyouconsiderthedayasuccessifyoudidnotexperienceanycasualties-evenifnooneisgrowingorflourishing?Sometimesweparentjusttogettothenextsafeharborandwaitforthezombiestocatchupwithus.

Ihavebeenthere.MoretimesthanIwanttoadmit.

So,today,Iremindyouandmetoinjectsomepassion,somehumor,andsomegraceintoourparenting.Let'sthrive!

Whatpartsofparentingfeelmorelikesurvivingthanthriving?

Transformation

WhenTheTransformersmadetheirdebutintheUS,itwas1984-myfreshmanyearinhighschool.Justalittletoooldfortheactionfigures,Imanagedtowatchthecartoononoccasion.Thenoveltyofacarorplanetransformingintoarobotandbattlingtheforcesofevilstillheldappealtothis14-year-old.

ByAvidLiongoren(http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

MyparentsneverboughtmeoneoftheHasbroactionfigures(poorme),butseveralfriendshadthem.Transformingthosetoysfromthevehicleintotherobotseemedsimple,butifoneofmyfriendshandedmetherobot,transformingitbackintothevehiclechallengedme.Icouldnotseemto"see"thevehicleandclumsilybenthingesandtwistedappendagesuntilsomethingseemedtotakeform.

Occasionally,Iforcedanarmorleginadirectionitwasnotintendedtogo.Youcanimaginetheresult.

Asdads,wewantourkidstothriveandsucceedasadults.Howdowehelptheminthistransition/transformation?

Forcingthemintosomethingwehaveinourmindscouldresultinbreakage.

Ourjobasdadsistohelpthemdiscoverwhatvehicletheycanbecome.Howdotheyengage,howdotheylearn,andhowtotheyrelatetoothers.

Forthis,Irecommendanotherresource.JeniferFoxwrote"YourChild'sStrengths"-anexcellentresourcetohelpidentifywhatmakesyourkidstick,whatstimulateslearning,andhowtheyinteractwithpeople

MarcusBuckingham,knownforhisstrengths-basedapproachtopersonal/professionalgrowth,wrotetheforward.Dr.Foxdoesaverythoroughjobofunpackingthisconceptforkids.Awarning-sheunpacksalotofinformation,butalsoprovidesgreattoolsandresources.

Ifthispassagefromthebookresonateswithyouatall,youmaywanttotakeheed:

"Thesedays,withparentsincreasinglypushingtheirkidstoexcelandfocusearlier,theconsequencesforchildrenareworrisome.yourchild'sstrengthpathisherown.takenoticeofheruniquenessandthethingsshenaturallygravitatestowardandallowhertoexplorethoseinwaysthatfeelpositiveandcomfortabletoher."("YourChild'sStrengths"page111)

Icannotwaittoseewhatmysonbecomes,andhopeIdonotdoanythingtoforcehimtobecomea1984FreightlinerSemiwhenheisuniquelydesignedtobecomea1983Porsche911Turbo.

ThosearereferencestoOptimusPrimeandJazzincaseyou'rewondering.

Whatuniquequality-differentfromoneofyours-haveyouseeninyourkids?

Tailor

"Shoppingforclothes"doesnotappearinmytop10listofenjoyablethingstodo.Wouldyoubelieveitdoesnotappearinmytop50?Believeit.

PhotoCredit:eastmidtownviaCompfightcc

Myworkrequiresdressshirts,andIamoneofthoseguyswhocannotfindanoff-the-rackshirttofitmewell.Apparently,mostmenwithmynecksizeandsleevelengthhavethebodyframeofarefrigerator.EventhefittedshirtsmakemefeelalittlelikeJerrySeinfeldinhispirateshirt.

PhotoCredit:StuffaboutMinneapolisviaCompfightcc

Backwheninmysingledays,livinginDC,Ihadmoredisposableincomeandhadsomecustomshirtsmade.Thosefitperfectly.ThefinefolksatTheCustomShopinPentagonCityMallmeasuredmeandconstructedmyshirts.Andwhenapieceofclothingfitsperfectly,youfeelgoodanditseemsworththetimeandmoney.

Overthepastcouplemonths,youhavereadseveral"Ts"ofsinglefatherhood.Youmayhavetalkedwithacounselor,arelative,afriend,anothersingledad,oramentorandgottenparentingadvice.Youhaveprobablyreadabookortwoondisciplinestrategies,pottytraining,howtotalktoyourkidsabouts-e-x,orpickeduponeofthebooksIhaverecommended.

Hopefully,noonehasclaimedacornerontruthoreffectiveness.Eachoneofushaveauniquestoryabouthowwegothere.Eachoneofushavekidsfrombirthtoteen,boyandgirl,adjustedandtroubled.

Off-the-rackparentingsolutionsdonotalwayswork.Wehavethemassivechallengeoffiguringoutwhatworksforusandourkids.Andwhatworksduringoneseasonofyourkid'slifemaynotworkinthenext.

Trialanderrorsucks,butIhavenotfoundTheCustomizedParentshopatanymall...yet.

WhatIhavefoundispeoplewantsingledadstosucceedandthrive.Theycareaboutthewelfareofourkidsandknowwecoulduseanencouragingword,abitofadvice,andaheapofgraceinparenting.

Ourkidsalsowantustothrive,becausethey,inturn,willthrive.Ifoneoftheparentingideaswepulledoff-the-rackbellyflops,weneedtoownitandusuallythekidswillunderstandwearetrying.

So,keepaskingforadviceandhelp.Keepreadingbooksandblogs.Butrealizeyoumayneedtoadjustthesleevesandbringitinalittle.

Whatparentingadvicedidyoureceiveandexecutethatendedupfailing?