Ani Eryorulmaz M.A.www.aileterapisi.bizwww.evlilikterapisi.com.tr

RELATIONSHIPS

FROM TRADITION TO MODERN

FROM MODERN BACK TO TRADITION

People destined to meet will do so, apparently by chance, at precisely the right moment.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

RELATIONSHIPS?????

WHY IS IT DIFFICULT TO ENDURE A FULLFILLING RELATIONSHIP?

WHY IS IT DIFFICULT TO CONTINUE A MARRIAGE WHERE WHAT WE THINK WHAT WE TAKE IS LESS THAN WHAT WE GET?

WALTER MISCHEL’S DELAY OF

GRATIFICATION

THE ABILITY TO FOREGO GRATIFICATION AND SOOTHE ONE’S DISCOMFORT IS AN ESSENTIAL SKILL ONE MUST POSESS IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO DEVELOP DEEP ADULT INTIMACY.

WHAY HAPPENS WHEN RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT FULFILL OUR NEEDS ANY MORE?

WHO IS RESPOSIBLE FOR THE MARRIAGES?

WHY DO WE GET DIVORCED IF OUR NEEDS ARE NOT MET?

THEN WHY WE GET REMARRIED AND GET DIVORCED AGAIN AND AGAIN?

DIVORCE MYTHS AND REALITIES

DIVORCE IS HARMFUL TO CHILDREN

DIVORCE IS VERY ORDINARY IN TODAY’S WORLD AND IT IS NOT HARMFUL TO CHILDREN

DIVORCE WOUNDS CAN NOT BE CURED

“DIVORCED” IS A MARITAL STATUS LIKE MARRIED AND SINGLE

DIVORCE REALITIES DIVORCE IS LIKE A METAMORPHOSIS TO

UNDERGO

ADULTS SHOULD FIRST HELP THEMSELVES TO CREATE A HEALTHY SELF IMAGE AS THE PARENT WHO CAN COPE WITH THE DEMANDS AND STRESSES OF DIVORCE

THERE IS NO WAY NOT TO CRY

EVEN IF YOU ARE THE ONE WHO ASKED FOR THE DIVORCE, DIVORCE IS A CRISIS IN BOTH CHILDREN AND ADULT’S LIVES

FROM BIOLOGICAL TO STEPFAMILIES

ALMOST HALF OF THE MARRIAGES END UP WITH DIVORCE

CHILDREN ARE NOT RAISED IN TRADITIONAL FAMILIES ANY MORE

CHILDREN OF DIVORCE FAMILIES ARE EITHER PART OF SINGLE PARENT HOUSEHOLDS

OR STEPFAMILIES

IT IS A GOOD ESTIMATION THAT AT LEAST HALF OF THE CHILDREN BORN IN THE LAST TEN YEARS WILL BE A MEMBER OF STEPFAMILY

DO STEPFAMILIES LAST?

ONE IN THREE TYPICAL STEPFAMILIES DO SUCCEED IN THE LONG RUN

MOST OF THE STEPFAMILIES END UP WITH DIVORCE IN LESS THAN 10 YEARS

THE DIVORCE RATE IN SECOND AND THIRD MARRIAGES ARE EVEN HIGHER THAN FIRST MARRIAGES

DIVORCE REALITIES

DIVORCE FORCE ADULTS TO BECOME A NEW PERSON. IT IS A KIND OF TRANSFORMATION PERIOD.

THIS NEW PERSON DOESN’T COME IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIVORCE

IT TAKES TIME TO NO LONGER CRY, BEING NOT ANGRY OR OVERTHINKING ABOUT DIVORCE

WHO WERE YOU BEFORE

YOUR MARRIAGE?

MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF IT IS OK TO CRY

IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY

IT IS OK TO FEEL GUILTY

IT IS OK TO HAVE LOWER SELF ESTEEM

IT IS OK NOT TO WANT TO MEET NEW PEOPLE

EVERYTHING IS OK AS LONG AS YOU ARE TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS

WHAT ABOUT CHILDREN?

BOYS HAVE MORE ADJUSTMENT PROBLEMS THAN GIRLS

YOUNGER BOYS TEND TO BE MORE DEPENDENT AND HELP-SEEKING

OLDER BOYS ARE MORE AGGRESSIVE AND DISOBEDIANT

BOYS WHO ARE PART OF A SINGLE PARENT HOMES HAVE MORE SCHOOL PROBLEMS WHEN COMPARED TO BOYS COMING FROM INTACT FAMILIES

BOYS LOOSE THEIR PRIMARY IDENTIFICATION FIGURE AND DISCIPLINE IS LOST AT HOME

GIRLS AND DIVORCE TWO YEARS AFTER THE DIVORCE, GIRLS IN SINGLE PARENT

HOMES ARE ALMOST AS ADJUSTED AS GIRLS COMING FROM INTACT FAMILIES

MORE AND MORE CONFLICT AFTER DIVORCE BETWEEN SONS WHEN COMPARED TO SON-DAUGHTERS AND BETWEEN SISTERS

GIRLS CONFLICTS WITH THEIR MOTHERS ESCALATE DURING ADOLESCENCE

ADOLESCENT GIRLS EXPERIENCE DATING AND RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS WHEN FATHERS ARE NOT ACTIVELY INVOLVED

THEY HAVE SEX EARLIER AND THEY MARRY EARLIER WHEN COMPARED TO GIRLS COMING FROM INTACT FAMILIES

LONG TERM NEGATIVE

CONSEQUENCES BEING PART AND BEING EXPOSED TO PARENTAL CONFLICT

INEFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE

LOSING CONTACT WITH ONE OF THE PARENTS

TAKING SIDES AND BEING FORCED TO DO SO

BEING IN THE ADULT ROLE AND MEETING THE ADULT’S NEEDS

CHILDREN ARE OK AFTER DIVORCE IF:

PARENTAL CONFLICT IS RESOLVED

THEY RECEIVE CONSTANT EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

THERE IS EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE, RULES AT HOME

MAINTAIN SECURE RELATIONSHIP WITH PARENTS, GROWN UPS AND GRANDPARENTS

ARE NOT FORCED TO TAKE SIDES AND DO NOT FEEL THEY HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR PARENTS

AFTER DIVORCE PHASE

TO STAY SINGLE OR REMARRYING?

MARRIAGE Shared personal attitudes and values

Unconscious drives to fill a set of core human needs

A model for children and birth family keystone

A voluntary spiritual commitment

A legal contract

A way of preserving values, names, DNA and traditions

An economic enterprise

A key factor in community and societal stability

SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

THE ONE THAT LASTS

THE ONE IN WHICH PARTNERS FEEL HAPPY

THE ONE IN WHICH ALL MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY ARE HAPPY

MARRIAGE AS AN ECONOMIC EXCHANGE:

AS LONG AS EACH PARTNER FEELS HIS/HER NEEDS ARE MET, THE MARRIAGE MAY SUCCEED IN THE LONG RUN

THEN WHY REMARRY?

TO FEEL SPECIAL AND PRIMARY TO THE BELOVED ONE

TO FEEL EMOTIONALLY & PHYSICALLY SAFE

TO FEEL HEARD, UNDERSTOOD & ACCEPTED

TO FEEL SEXUALLY DESIRABLE & SATISFIED

TO SHARE THE UPS &DOWNS OF LIFE

TO FEEL COMFORTED WHEN UPSET, WORRIED

TO FEEL PERSONALLY &SOCIALLY NORMAL

TO EXPERIENCE STABILITY & SECURITY

WE HAVE MANY NEEDS THAT WE EXPECT TO BE MET BY MARRIAGE.

SOME OF THESE NEEDS ARE CONSCIOUS, SOME ARE UNCONSCIOUS LIKE HEALING THE WOUNDS FROM THE FIRST MARRIAGE OR LEFT FROM CHILDHOOD.

THERE IS A GAP BETWEEN OUR EXPECTATIONS AND WHAT MARRIAGE REALLY IS.

WHAT WE ARE EXPECTING FROM A

MARRIAGE? MODERN COUPLES EXPECT TO FIND THEIR SOUL MATES IN MARRIAGE

THEY WANT TO BE VERY CLOSE FRIENDS THEY WANT THEIR PARTNER TO BE THEIR BEST FRIEND

THEY WANT TO LIVE IN NICE HOUSES, TO DRIVE NICE CARS ,TRAVELLING, HAVING A MUTUAL HOBBY, HAVING INTELLIGENT KIDS…

THEY ARE EXPECTING TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER WITHOUT EVEN MENTIONING WHAT THEY WANT

THEY WANT TO STAY HEALTHY, LOOK YOUNGER, BEING ENERGETIC.THEY WANT TO BE LIKE SUPER MODELS….

-THEY ARE EXPECTING TO HAVE SEX LIKE THEY FIRST MET EACH OTHER

THEY WANT BOTH COMFORT INTIMACY INDIVIDUALISM AND COMLETE TOGETHERNESS

ON MARRIAGE BY K.GIBRAN

LOVE ONE ANOTHER, BUT NOT A BOND LOVE

LET IT RATHER BE A MOVING SEA BETWEEN THE SHORES OF YOUR SOULS

FILL EACH OTHER’S CUP BUT DRINK NOT FROM ONE CUP

GIVE ONE ANOTHER OF YOUR BREAD BUT EAT NOT FROM THE SAME LOAF

SING AND DANCE TOGETHER AND BE JOYOUS, BUT LET EACH ONE OF YOU BE ALONE

EVEN AS THE STRINGS OF A LUTE ARE ALONE THOUGH YHEY QUIVER WITH THE SAME MUSIC

AND STAND TOGETHER YET NOT TOO NEAR TOGETHER:

FOR THE PILLARS OF THE TEMPLE STAND APART,

AND THE OAK TREE AND THE CYPRESS GROW NOT IN EACH OTHER’S SHADOW

WITH INCREASING INDIVIDUALISM, WE TREAT

OUR BODIES AS SACRED TEMPLES RATHER THAN

THE MARRIAGE.

MARRIAGE SEEN AS SACRED TEMPLES

MODERN COUPLES ARE VERY MUCH OBSESSED WITH RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

TO BE HAPPY, “ULTIMATE HAPPINESS” IS THE MAIN GOAL OF MARRIAGE

TOO MUCH CLOSENESS AND TOGETHERNESS ARE EXPECTED

MARRIAGE AS A TEMPLE

REMOVING OUR SHOES BEFORE ENTERING OUR TEMPLES AS SAID TO MOSES WHEN HE WAS ENTERING THE SACRED VALLEY OF TUWA

FROM HEDONISM TO A SUFI WAY OF LOOKING AT

MARRIAGE TAKING OUR SHOES BEFORE WE ENTER

INTO THE MARRIAGE

TAKING THE RIGHT SHOE MEANS TO LEAVE OUR WILLINGNESS FOR TOTAL AND ULTIMATE HAPPINESS

TAKING THE LEFT SHOE MEANS TO LEAVE THE IDEA THAT ALL MY NEEDS WILL BE SATISFIED IN THE MARRIAGE

STEPFAMILY FAILURE ADULTS IN STEPFAMILIES COME FROM UNFUNCTIONAL

FAMILIES

STEPFAMILIY COUPLES HAVE UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS FROM THEIR SECOND FAMILIES

STEPFAMILY ADULTS OR CHILDREN ARE MOSTLY BLOCKED IN MOURNING THEIR LOSSSES

DECISION OF MARRIAGE IS BASED ON “ROMANTIC LOVE”

THERE IS LITTLE SUPPORT AND KNOWLEDGE ABOUT STEPFAMILIES AND STEPFAMILY NORMS

THERE ARE LOTS OF MYTHS ABOUT DIVORCE AND LIFE AFTER DIVORCE

STEPFAMILY IS DIFFERENT FROM NUCLEAR FAMILY.

IT TAKES TIME TO COOK A STEPFAMILY.

R.DEAL’ COOKING INSTRUCTIONS

IN ORDER TO COOK A STEPFAMILY

BLENDER

FOOD PROCESSOR

MICROWAVE

PRESSURE COOKER

TOSSING

ARE NOT ALLOWED

CROCKPOT COOKING STYLE

THE KEY TO CROCKPOT STEPFAMILIES IS TIME AND LOW HEAT.

BEING PATIENT WITH THE INTEGRATION PROCESS AND NOT TRYING TO FORCE LOVE, CARE AND TOGETHERNESS.

TIME IS NEEDED FOR BOTH ADULTS AND CHILDREN TO ADJUST TO NEW LIVING CONDITIONS, NEW PARENING STYLES AND DEVELOPING TRUST AND A SHARED HISTORY

STEPFAMILY IS DIFFERENT

A STEPFAMILY HAS ITS OWN NATURAL LIFECYCLE

A STEPFAMILY NEEDS MANY YEARS TO DEVELOP INTO A REAL FAMILY

A STEPFAMILY IS AT GREAT RISK DURING THE FIRST TWO YEARS

A STEPFAMILY MUST SOLVE FOUR BASIC TASKS IN ORDER TO LAST

BASIC 4 TASKS OF A STEPFAMILY

MAKING THE STEPFATHER A PART OF THE CHILD’S LIFE IN THE NEW MARRIAGE

BUILDING A GOOD MARRIAGE

SEPARATING THE SECOND MARRIAGE FROM THE FIRST ONE/ DEALING WITH THE GHOSTS AT THE TABLE

MANAGING CHANGE IN THE FAMILY

DIFFERENT INNER ENVIRONMENTS

STEPFAMILY ADULTS ARE OLDER

HIGHER RISK OF PHYSICAL HEALTH

MOSTLY ADDICTED TO:

SUBSTANCE

RELATIONSHIPS

ACTIVITIES

DIFFERENT PERSONAL IDENTITIES

DIFFERENT MARRIAGE EXPERIENCES AND EXPECTATIONS

DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES AND EXPECTATIONS ABOUT PARENTING

MORE AND MORE LOSSES TO GRIEVE

DIFFERENT PERSONAL PRIORITIES

DIFFERENT OUTER ENVIRONMENTS

MORE RELATIONSHIP TO BALANCE

MANY COMPLEX STEPFAMILY TASKS TO MASTER

MORE FAMILY TIME AND LESS COUPLE TIME RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MARRIAGE

LESS COMMUNITY ANF FAMILY SUPPORT

DIFFERENT TYPES OF STEPFAMILIES

THE ROMANTIC STEPFAMILY

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS LIKE FAMILY COHESIVENESS, INSTANT HIGH MARITAL SATISFACTION

ROMANTIC FAMILY WANTS TO BE A NUCLEAR FAMILY

LOVE AND ONLY LOVE WILL ENDURE THE STEPFAMILY LIFE

NORMAL UPS AND DOWNS OF STEPFAMILY LIFE SEEM MORE PAINFUL

UNREALISTIC CHILD STEPPARENT EXPECTATIONS

THIN MIDDLE GROUND

DIFFERENT TYPES OF STEPFAMILIES

THE NEO TRADITIONAL STEPFAMILY

A THICK MIDDLE GROUND: SHARED VALUES, RITUALS,GESTURES,COMMON PROBLEM SOLVING STYLE, A SIMILAR WAY OF LOOKING AT THE WORLD

SMALL SACRIFICES

PUTTING “WE” ABOVE “ME”

DIFFERENT TYPES OF STEPFAMILIES

THE MATRIARCHAL STEPFAMILY:

AUTHORITY AND DECISION MAKING POWER IS CENTERED IN THE WOMAN

THE WOMAN IS THE INTELLECTUAL AND FINANCIAL ROOT OF THE WHOLE FAMILY

THE WOMAN LEADS AND THE MAN FOLLOWS

WOMEN IN THESE FAMILIES ARE VERY ENERGETIC AND AMBITIOUS AND HAVE A VERY STRONG FAMILY ORIENTATION

MEN ARE VERY EASY GOING

COUPLE ACTIVITY MORE IMPORTANT THAN FAMILY ACTIVITY

IN THE END, ONE OF THE SENTIMENTAL SENSUALITIES TURNS INTO A PASSION_ WHETHER OF LONGING OR DISGUST IT MATTERS NOT_AND THEN FAREWELL TO ALL HOPE OF TRANQUILITY.

Aldous Huxley

THANK YOU FOR YOUR

ATTENTION Ani Eryorulmaz

www.aileteterapisi.biz

www.evlilikterapisi.com.tr