and here we go again

8/10/2019 AND HERE WE GO AGAIN

1/10

I cannot lose anyone else.

She thinks it was the wrong thing to say. Right thing in her head, the truth, butnot what Max needed to hear.

This isn't about you, it's about what's right! uinn's not soe innocent ci"ilian

you dragged into this.

#o, he's not, she concedes, but he is out there on his own and there's noway he's gonna coe back $ro this.

%e's an assassin.

&arrie ust wishes(eo(le would sto( )inging that and all its shitty i(licationsaround. *ishes she could sto( hearing uinn, "oice in her head o"er and o"er,I was a bad guy. The warning signs cae thick and $ast but she hadn't listenedto any o$ the, thinking they were aied at her and they were, but it was ore

than that+ uinn trying to (assi"eaggressi"ely con$ess his sins, trying to(re(are her in soe way $or the (ossibility he ight turn rabid.

It was always in hi+ she shouldn't ha"e disissed it so easily.

%e wanted out, Max. -nd I did, I dragged hi back in, and now he's o thereser"ation, he's not stable. She chokes there+ it's guilt, thick and raw likesoething uncooked in her throat. I was res(onsible $or /ara and she died.0on't let the sae thing ha((en to uinn because you wanna use hi to 1ghta battle that can't be won.

Max's $ace $alls, all his weight slu(ing against his hands on the tableto(. -llthe years I'"e known you, you'"e ne"er conceded a battle.

*ell that should tell you how $ucked this is.

I don't care, Max says, stuttered out o$ hi like shae. I still want you tohel( hi, not sto( hi.

She thinks $ast+ uinn's too good to get caught and Max is literally her onlywindow here. *hat i$ I (roised to listen to what he had to say2 %e lookso(en to it, so she 3uickly 1res on, I$ I could talk to hi, i$ I could be sure he'sin his right 4oddan ind, then aybe we could actually 1gure soethingout.

-nd i$ he's not.

Then we don't lose shit because he'd be dead or in custody be$ore he gotanywhere near %a33ani anyway. &arrie can see Max edging towards the dro(,she ust needs one (ush to get hi o"er. 5ou know what that eans, right2Intelligence has a hit on hi, i$ he gets caught he either gets iediatelyexecuted or he s(ends the rest o$ his li$e rotting in a 6akistani (rison.

Max doesn't like uinn, is the thing. It's not a atter o$ a((ealing to a

$riendshi(, it's a atter o$ laying uinn on Max's conscience right alongside/ara.


2/10

-nd it works. It $eels like shit, but all that atters is that it works. 7"en a$tere"erything, &arrie can't deny the (art o$ hersel$ that knows the si(le beautyo$ that.

She turns her back $or hal$ a second and uinn's dro((ed both the en andshe should'"e known

%e seals a hand around her throat and she honestly think he's gonna kill her+so uch $or deciding i$ he's $ucking cra8y or not.

7xce(t he (ulls her close, tells her to listen i$ she wants to li"e, and with anub hysteria that a((arently coes with uinn's "ery real hand around hertrachea, &arrie wants to ask hi i$ he thinks he's the $ucking Terinator orsoething.

Then he ais his gun o"er her shoulder and she $alls instincti"ely $orward,gri((ing uinn's tshirt and (ressing her $ace into his chest to u9e the shots,

the hand he'd used to choke her cur"ed around the back o$ her head.

*hat the fuck

%e sna(s, They $ollowed you, get in the 4oddan car, and be$ore she gets tocheck who $ucking $ollowed her and whether or not they're $ull o$ holes, uinn'ssho"ing her towards his car.

6robably ISI. uinn's a dead an, &arrie too now. I$ they sur"i"e this, she'sgonna ste( right o the (lane hoe and straight into the su(erax anduinn's gonna be in the cell right next door.

%er ears are ringing, she could $ucking skin hi ali"e right now, anger too hotto articulate. She slas her hands against the (assenger door uinn's trying toherd her into, atte(ting to (ut the brakes on this horrorshow.

I didn't shoot the, will you unclench, uinn tells her 3uickly, too cal $orsoeone who's acting like . I shot at the, there's a dierence, now will youget in be$ore they coe back with a $ucking ary and return the $a"or. &arriestares at hi, utterly lost $or words. I' not cra8y, and I' not suicidal. I didn'twant you anywhere near this, &arrie.

This:

0id Max gi"e you the bag2


3/10

She doesn't ean to, it's a (urely re)exi"e action, but &arrie glances to thetrunk o$ the car she'd coe to drag uinn's sorry ass hoe in and he'se;ciently $risking the knockedout dri"er's (ockets and retrie"ing it and what'sshe su((osed to do to sto( hi2 &learly talking hi down o the ledge isn't ano(tion, she'd ha"e as uch luck talking to hersel$ in the irror. She could shoothi but he's a little too big $or her to o"e unconscious.

&arrie, are you getting in the car or not2

Mostly I' thinking about shooting you right now.

*ell until you ake u( your ind: %e gestures, all $ailiar sarcas, andshe o(ens the door and clibs in, $or so any unusti1able $ucking reasons butostly because i$ &arrie's with hi she knows uinn's $ar less likely to (uthisel$ in iediate danger.

%e tears out o$ the garage, cooling it on the roads, and &arrie's hands are

shaking, she hadn't e"en reali8ed. %er ob is assessing (eo(le, 1nding thecracks and ceenting the with whate"er necessary 1ller it takes to bringthe in line. uinn's a wellread a( torn u(, she can't read hi without tieto (ut the (ieces back together, without relearning soe things.

I know where %a33ani is, he says e"entually like a (eace oering.


4/10

She does, actually. =ecause she's $ucking tiredand running on de$ault, brainauto1ling through a((ro(riate res(onses and actions because there's so littlele$t in her anyore. She's drained to the last (int and uinn's baying $or therest like a bloodhound.

*hat do you want $ro e, uinn2

&arrie's hardly asked be$ore he's on her like he's ust been waiting $or that3uestion. I want you to gi"e a shit.

-s o((osed to all the other ties when I ha"en't gi"en a shit, is that what youean2

#o, the exact $ucking o((osite.

5ou want e to go on a suicide ission then, is that it2

5ou can dress it u( in all the rhetoric you want, but you'"e gi"en u(, he

accuses, all sel$righteous $ucking (ats on the back and it s(lits her down theiddle, $ogs her better senses because how dare he:

#o, uinn,you ga"e u(. I ade you gi"e a shit again because you had one$oot out the door, i$ it wasn't $or e you wouldn't e"en care what that $uckerdid to us!

-nd &arrie reali8es her istake, uinn's eyes bright on the road but brighter onher when he glances o"er.

%e's a dirty bastard, )i((ing all her own ethods on her like this. It'd sure be

nice i$ that $ucker (aid, huh.

She $eels like she's being recruited, it's ridiculous+ it's galling.

It's also kind o$ thrilling, like gi"ing hersel$ o"er to the best (arts o$ the obagain. >ess (olitical bullshit and ore action. uinn's a tense line o$ heat and$ury beside her, the ost dangerous "ersion o$ hi &arrie's e"er know, and shelikes it. I$ they'd wound hi u( nice and tight and (ointed hi in this direction$ro the start, he ight'"e slaughtered a "isible line through the eneyalready+ &arrie's "ery own huan issile.

It's one o$ the sickest thoughts she's e"er had, and ore so because o$ itsa((eal.

>ockhart's whole shtick has been getting (eo(le o the ground and reotecontrol killachines in the air and she's ne"er thought hi so na?"e than rightnow, looking at uinn.

=ut that's all redundant. uinn wanted out $or good $ucking reason and &arrie'screated a (roble, not a solution. She won't send another trauati8ed (ersoninto a war8one, no atter what the (otential bene1ts.

Sto( the car.

%e looks at her, wary. *hy2


5/10

5ou said you'd let e out, so sto(.

It's a sa$e s(ot, $ar enough out o$ the crowded sectors that there's nobodyaround and she can be (ositi"e they're not being tailed, a good "isible hal$ileo$ road stretching o in both directions.

uinn lets the car dri$t a little be$ore he brakes, looking actually ner"ous $or the1rst tie since &arrie $ound hi. %is reason $or that's hard to (in down butshe's got a (ower$ul hunch it's because he's scared she's gonna lea"e hi+ aneotional reaction instead o$ a logistical one and she'd ex(loit it i$ she wasn'tso aware o$ the daage it ight do.

&arrie gets out, (acing to the $ront and (erching on the hood. It's a clearin"itation and she waits, head ti((ed back against the sun, until uinn acce(tsit.

%e (erches next to her, head down, hands curled around the etal cur"ed

edge. She can $eel his (inky 1nger (ressed against her thigh. It's like an electricolt+ this is Quinnand he's ticking down like a bob, this one li"eordieoent and then he's in the wind and &arrie ight ne"er see hi again:sheight never see him again.

This is re"enge, uinn.


6/10

I was gonna dro( a bob on Saul, you 1gured I'd throw you to the wol"es too,right2

I didn't e"en think about that.

/uck you, don't insult e. 5ou ust'"e considered what'd ha((en when I

reali8ed you were -*. 5ou thought I'd cut and run.%is $ace is stubborn, outh (ursed, that aw tic again. So why didn't you2

=ecause I couldn't $ucking lea"e you here, she rages, te(ted to actuallygrab hi and sho"e hi, hurt hi in soe way.

>ook, I get it, you don't wanna lose anyone else:

#o, I don't wanna loseyou!

%e closes down, an iediate shutter, and &arrie knows, then, exactly what

he's thinking. It's like a tieline (layed backwards, a neardeath reli"ing o$ ahundred little oents+ e"ery touch, e"ery (issedo shouting atch, e"eryworried $rown thrown her way:uinn's 4oddan 1nger on the trigger o$ a$ucking sni(er ri)e, e"en.

uinn stands, (ushing (ast her and walking o down the incline at the side o$the road with his 1sts clenched and &arrie stares a$ter hi, $ro8en to theground like she's s(rung roots.

I wasn't: uinn can't hear her, her "oice is s3uee8ed too sall.

I wasn't trying to manipulate you, not like that, never like that.

It's true, it's so 4oddan true+ losing uinn $eels like a lance through herribcage, i(ossible to breathe around, and it's like e"ery single tie he said noto her ulti(lied by a thousand, the thought o$ sur"i"ing this essed u( li$ewithout hi. It's too tangled u( with the terror o$ being alone $ore"er, o$ 1ndinguinn and his kindred s(irit, and &arrie can't gri( the sni((ed edges o$ herthoughts and (iece the back together 3uickly enough.

@esus, uinn, she yells, the words s(litting at that "olue. She can't sustainit, doesn't ha"e the energy anyore, so she $ollows hi, kee(ing a sa$e

distance. I know I $ucking ex(loit (eo(le $or a li"ing, but can you ust gi"e ea break, (lease2 Maybe think a little higher o$ e $or once, y'know, like I doyou.

uinn looks suddenly dry, a co(roise on the anger he's too (roud to dro(e"en though he knows she's right. 5ou think I' nuts.

&arrie throws out her ars, trying to suari8e with one grand gesture. #otexactly (ro"ing e wrong here.

I can't turn around, &arrie.

5ou can, you ust won't, she (oints out shar(ly. -nd then what2 5ou blow u(%a33ani, by soe iracle you get yoursel$ back to -erica in one (iece, ande"erybody shrugs their shoulders and lets you o the hook $or the shit you'"e


7/10

(ulled2

I' not an idiot, I know what ha((ens i$ I get back hoe.

5eah, the agency takes credit $or an o(eration they didn't e"en run and saythis was the (lan all along, eanwhile you get 3uietly disa((eared under the

guise o$ being a (sychologically unstable liability.It's gonna ha((en either way, whether I 1nish this or coe back with you rightnow. 0ar -dal already hit e with the threat. I disobeyed one o$ the highest(residential orders, the ISI ha"e got y $ace (lastered on e"ery antiAS hit list.I' blown in e"ery way there is and now e"eryone back hoe knows I can'tkee( y shit together. %e's steady, laying it all out with a brutal e;ciencythat's hacking tiny bits o$ her a(art. I' already dead, &arrie.

Fuck.

#o but:$uck.

She's shaking her head, outh o"ing, gras(ing $or words.

It's okay, I' o"er it, he shrugs and then he's reeling back, &arrie's (alconnecting with his $ace. The fuck2

*hen she can 1nally s(eak it's low and shaky. 5ou and e ha"e been throughsoe essedu( shit, but I ha"e neverhated you ore than I do right now.

uinn swallows, outh going tight. *ell, that ust akes it easier.

%e sli(s (ast her with a shocking 1nality and &arrie doesn't turn around towatch, ust raises her cracking "oice, So you doha"e $eelings $or e then2

%is $ootste(s scu to a sto( in the dirt and it's agony, the wait, nothing but thebree8e to a((ease her.

I shouldn't ha"e let it get in the way, I' sorry.

It's not:he's su((osed to get (issed, not:

It's like a hand inside her, a "icegri( around her (ounding heart, and a$tere"erything she 1nally buckles, ars crossing u( o"er her chest and tearsstinging and uinn's so$t, (anicked "oice, &arrie2 when he has no 4oddanright at all.

She thinks she's gonna hit the ground but he's there ust like he's always$ucking there, like she can't get rid o$ his constant watch$ul (resence and whenshe does she can't stand it. uinn's chest (ressed against her back, his arstight around her and crossing o"er her own. %e's the only thing kee(ing heru(right but she still struggles, too $ucking $urious to not 1ght with hi butthere's only so uch &arrie can rail against a thing she wants, and she does:ho(eless, e"iscerating $act+ she cra"es uinn's (roxiity like an addict right

now.

She's hunched $orward, hair $alling o"er her $ace, and uinn wra(s hisel$around her, his outh against her ear, Shit, rough and whis(ered. %is 1ngers


8/10

dig hard in her shoulders and he $eels so $ucking good.

&arrie drags hi down to their knees in the dirt, uinn bracketing her betweenhis legs. %e doesn't let her go, not $or one second, and it's a sur(rise and thenit's not+ she's torn between the best and the worst o$ hi.

0oesn't sto( the tears coing or the uscles in her stoach sei8ing.4oddan it, &arrie, uinn grinds out, hitching with his inandout breathagainst her back.

She asks, *hy are you $ucking doing this2 #ot e"en sure what she eans,uinn's suicide ission or this dis(lay by the side o$ the 4oddan road.

%e shi$ts, 1ngerti(s brushing against the back o$ her neck, (ulling his ar o"erher head to swee( the hair o the back o$ her neck and he (resses the wordsthere with his outh, =ecause it's right. 5ou know it's right. They killed /araand @ohn and %ensley and they will never (ay $or that. &arrie shi"ers. - $ewonths ago you would'"e ne"er let that stand.

She turns her head against her shoulder and he instantly cu(s her aw to holdher there, 1ngers threading into her hair. -ll the reticence in hi "anished, $ootentirely o the brake now+ this is uinn is his ost raw $or and he's like ahurricane tra((ed in a ar, tightly wound destruction.

&arrie honestly thinks he's gonna kiss her and she's ready to let it ha((en, (oursoe o$ this grie$ and resentent into hi, this absolute ho(elessness that'sonly e"er (ainted the "ery worst (arts o$ her li$e because he's right, the oneslying back on the 7bassy )oor co"ered in (lastic $ucking sheets will ne"er getthe resolution they deser"e.

=ut he doesn't. uinn rests his chin on her shoulder, nudging his nose againsther cheek, but that's it, ust that single gentle action. She (resses her ownshaking hand o"er his, touching her 1ngers to the brand new scars on hisknuckles.

-nd then she kisses hi instead. @ust the brush o$ her outh o"er his and hebreaks it straight away, noise ri((ed out o$ hi like a broken curse. %e tuckshis $ace down against her shoulder and breathes, ragged, 0on't $ucking dothat.

I want to.

-lso the truth, and she doesn't 3uestion where it coes $ro like she doesn't3uestion where ost o$ her needs coe $ro. They ust are and &arrie's wholeli$e is a testaent to her i(ulses. It's a $act she's becoing increasingly oreaware o$.

uinn2

She's struck with the "ague echanical notion that she should'"e called hi

6eter, and then it's gone in a $rantic heartbeat, nauseatingly wrong and $oggyrelie$ because his nae cae $ro a $ar ore honest (lace than that. Maybehe thinks so too, or aybe he's ust sick o$ holding back this one last thing


9/10

when all the rest o$ hi is storchasing, because he 1nally kisses her.

It's an awkward angle but uinn's outh is sweet and hot, as good as shethought it'd be and she has thought about, but it's not enough, $eels like she'saking a hal$assed (oint here.

&arrie twists in the bracket o$ his body, curled u( close and sall against hito get at his outh, get her hands in his hair. uinn's tongue slicking into herouth, his teeth care$ul in her botto li(+ a long, long inute o$ ust that,shaky and unbelie"able.

%e ouths at the corner o$ her li(s, down o"er her aw, aking a 1st in her hairand (ulling to get at her throat, and he utters into her skin, This your idea o$a goodbye2

She lets hi go at her $or a while, it $eels (retty $ucking aa8ing, bute"entually &arrie (ulls back to catch his eyes, right and sur(risingly shar( as

they are against the so$t da( "ulnerability o$ his outh.I$ we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right.

uinn blows out a breath, /uck.

*e're gonna need soe kind o$ backu(, soething to ake this legit. -nd I'not going anywhere with you unless you agree that when we get back to*ashington, I take the res(onsibility.

&arrie: There it is, uinn's contrary de1ance+ she can kiss hi at the side o$the 4oddan road, lay unsure little (ieces o$ hersel$ at his $eet, but a((arently

he's still gonna 1ght her at e"ery turn regardless.

#o, not Carrie %a"ing this con"ersation (ressed against hi like this is(retty distracting, so she untangles hersel$, standing and oering hi a hand.I do all the talking and you shut the $uck u( and nod your head, that's thedeal.

uinn glares, eyes narrow, but he takes her hand anyway, hauling u( to his$eet and brushing o the dust. #ow, or later2

6re$erably both but that's asking a lot $ro you so later. *hen we get hoe.

Sa$ely. 6re$erably still sane.

%e (urses his outh, a little (etulant but considering.

*e tell the this was y o(eration, and that as your su(erior I in"ol"ed youand used your absence as a reason to stay in 6akistan to 1nish it. #obodyneeds to know you went -*.

*hat about >ockhart2

%e wants these other$uckers' heads on a (latter as uch as we do, I can

con"ince hi.

@esus, &arrie, uinn ras(s. %ow uch shit are you gonna take $or this2


10/10

*ell, they won't dri"e e to a hole in the ground and (ut a bullet in y headso (robably less than you. She shakes her head, caler than she's been along dan tie. /ocus:it's $ocus. - resol"e, the $u88y lines and streakingcolors o$ her thoughts settling into soething "isible, soething cra8y butactually doable. 5ou're right, this is the right thing to do, and I'"e risked y li$e$or less worthy causes than this.

Sounds (retty bleak when you (ut it like that, uinn hus.

5eah, well, she says dryly. Saul told e to be "ery care$ul, so I' gonna tellyou the sae. I need you to reeber that losing you is not an option, uinn.#ot $or e. Tell e you understand that.

%e nods, 1nally acce(ting but wideeyed, looking so young it kind o$ hurts.

and here we go again

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