PURITY MATHERI

10/2/2017

AN AFFAIR WITH IDENTITY

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INTRODUCTION

I used to think that love was the master reason for any human’s existence. I was right and yet I

was still wrong! I have at one point in my life focused on relationships that I lost my self and

killed my inner person. I have experienced quarter-life crisis and almost given up on life.

It was until I began my affair with my true self that I experienced transformation. Life has

become more beautiful and it is my wish that you may also get to learn your inner self for

tranquility.

My wish is that many youths can get access to this text, that’s the reason its short because the

reading culture has been eroded in the modern generation. Only love can truly change the world,

However, love must start with you. Self-love and identity are the secrets and the cure you need.

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PART ONE: ILLUSION AND REALITY.

Illusion and reality, two distinct planets yet rotating in the same galaxy. There are times when

you feel that life is pushing to the core. More is expected from you than you feel you can offer.

Society around you too demanding as the set standards beyond reach. There are those moments

when you will fly so high in the sky, soar above the clouds and view far beyond the horizon,

only to wake up and realize it was just an illusion. Even in that case, there is so much more to

derive from the dreams because the power of every action you take is drawn from the desire to

fulfil a dream. Nevertheless, no matter how sweet, great and captivating a dream is, it will

always remain a dream if a mission to act on it is not embarked.

Have you ever felt you really need to act upon something but there is that voice telling you`` just

leave it”? In spite of the irresistible harsh voice, a shrill still inner voice is daring you ``give it a

try.” There are always those two conflicting voices battling so hard in your inner self. The

moment that harsh voice wins the battle, marks the beginning of a divorce with self-identity as

you begin to lose yourself in the inner dialogue. In a circumstance where there is a war within

you on which opportunity to pursue, reason beyond average and focus on the reality of the

situation.

There are various seasons when the sun rises so early and shines so bright, the stars twinkle

brightly in the sky and the moon illuminates so early. Nonetheless, there are phases when

darkness will prevail more than expected. Thunder and storms will show up at summer, that is

when you will wish you had the power to melt away and forever vacate the universe.

Let us take a look at Janet’s story here: Janet is a quiet and humble girl from the village. She has

worked hard throughout her primary and secondary school education while enduring family

hardships. Not to mention Janet is an orphan who has been living with her grandmother since her

parents passed away when she was too young leaving the grandmother with a burden of three

children, Janet being the eldest. The grandmother works effortlessly to give Janet education so

that she can succeed and help her siblings to study. Luckily, Janet passes her national

examinations and she wins a scholarship to study medicine in one of the best institutions of

higher learning in the country.

Full of life and swimming in the ocean of standard dreams, Janet sets up her feet in campus.

Away from her morally strict grandmother and the cries of her siblings. So determined to achieve

and pursue her career, Janet concentrates so much on her studies. She becomes the best student

in her end of first year’s examination. School reopens for second year, Janet feels insecure as her

friends begin to isolate her naming her “genius”, moreover she is forced to deal with loneliness

as nobody is ready to give her company. In the process she suffers a low self-esteem which

negatively affects her confidence and school performance.

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Due to the fear of being alone and standing up for what is right, Janet complies with some of her

comrades proposal to join their `league’ which appears superior, classy and the dream life of

every girl in campus. The peer group initiates Janet to their culture by introducing her to drugs,

alcohol and sex. To add salt to the injury they get Janet a peer boyfriend and an old rich man

whom they call her `sponsor’. The innocent village girl tastes the forbidden fruit which for sure

must be the sweetest as she experiences no guilt after her initiation day. The story of the brilliant,

hardworking most disciplined medical student becomes history as she evolves into an immoral,

lazy cheap girl. Either way, education and the thirst for more knowledge is not her cup anymore

as she is driven by the desire to lead a luxurious life. Dressing in the modest fashion, residing in

the most expensive student hostels and partying all Friday nights gives her the confidence and

high self-esteem to believe she is the ideal example of what a campus girl ought to be.

Janet walks her head held high and half-dressed as she proclaims herself a beautiful ‘slay queen’.

What is beauty? According to Janet, in campus beauty is more of appearance. For a lady to be

beautiful you ought to have a pretty smooth face, captivating smile and a nice figure. For a lad I

will quote “tall, dark and handsome” or just good looking and ready to have fun and spend some

amount on girls. Dear reader, is this what real beauty is supposed to be? Is this what the concept

of you only live once (Y.O.L.O) is supposed to mean? That is up to you to decide and conceiving

in mind that choices have consequences and each path you choose will lead you to the

destination you deserve.

Beauty! Beauty! Beauty! The word that has made many young people suffer esteem issues. A

person would rather endure the pain of having a plastic surgery and other bodily torture in the

quest of beauty. If we all understand the meaning of beauty beyond looks then the world will be

a better place since the moment confidence is lost, many chances and opportunities are missed.

We need to teach our children since their tender age, the depths of beauty for an ideal future

generation. The moment they understand that there is beauty in a woman who respects her

husband and prays for her family, beauty in a man who is faithful to his wife and makes his

children’s life a paradise of happiness, they will strive to be that man and woman. When will our

campus students realize that life is so beautiful? There is beauty in a lady who gives attention to

her studies, relates well with all students without ‘class’ barrier and furthermore has a high level

of self-esteem, self-respect and confidence. There is beauty in a man who has a great vision, high

level of confidence, a calm personality and an aggressiveness to pursue his dream. The day the

sun rises or sets and you realize that appearance fades with time hence you choose to invest in

the real beauty, that is the moment you will distinguish illusion and reality then set on a journey

with self-identity.

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Looking back at Janet’s story, you will agree with me that Janet suffers an identity crisis. There

is so much freedom in campus as nobody will question you on any decision you make as

opposed to high school where the teachers monitor your grades and take corrective action. She

moves in with her boyfriend like most of her friends and starts the life of a couple. Like most

girls she has to do the household chores and prepare her boyfriend’s food and do the laundry.

She does all this not because it is supposed to be her duty but because she feels obliged and

overcome by the desire to always keep her boyfriend happy. This results to Janet living in her

boyfriend’s dream making her dreams fade. In the process of the entire relationship, Janet loses

her identity which becomes her greatest murderer.

What happens when you no longer have vivid knowledge of your inner self? You fail to

acknowledge your capabilities, you lose focus as you no longer have a vision or a clear picture of

what you want in life. Have you ever wondered why you exist? You only have one life which is

a great opportunity. A day has twenty-four hours for every creature but what matters is how you

utilize that scarce resource. Time is the greatest asset and the more you invest in it the more you

make a difference. Begin now before it is too late, wait not for a moment when you will look

back and wish you would turn the clock behind. You only live once, hence strive to make every

moment remarkable by impacting as many lives as possible either with your words or actions.

Make an effort to do everything to the best of your ability so that even when you no longer have

the strength to wake up or when you no longer have the breath in you, someone somewhere will

look at your work and say `I want to be like her’. In another part of the world someone will

proclaim `He mentored me into doing it even when nobody believed I could’. By touching lives,

your legacy will remain even when you are long gone.

As a result of the numerous time wastage and missed classes Janet does not graduate from the

medicine school since she is discontinued. Her boyfriend graduates and gets a job immediately

after graduation. He cuts all contact with Janet who gets very heart broken as she fails to accept

reality. It all seems like a dream that she fails to wake up from, she realizes that she has been

living her boyfriend’s dream which has now being achieved and neglected her dreams. She

suffers shame in her village as she could not meet their expectations and the thought of her life

before campus kicks in. When she looks at her young siblings who all depended on her, she

bursts to tears. It dawns to her that her life in campus was just a dream, if only she had realized

it! Taking a glimpse at the young siblings and her ailing grandmother is enough to convince her

the reality of the situation.

In life we get to relate with various types of people from diverse areas, hence forming many

relationships. It is said that birds of a feather flock together which explains clearly why most

traits are shared between friends. Relationships give an individual a sense of belonging which

may result to high confidence. However, if a relationship does not provide an opportunity and

support towards your vision, it is easy, quit! Have you ever been in relationships where your own

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dreams start fading and they lack the initial motivating drive? Did you get the feeling that your

dreams are too big to achieve? Did you suddenly become too comfortable on the current

situation without any regards for the future?

Relationships are good, but no relationship is worth to rob your capability. A relationship should

always remind you of your worth and dreams. It should give you an opportunity to explore your

inner self and mentor you to soar high above the limits. You are different from every person in

the world and this uniqueness is your greatest strength. Nobody can make you feel inferior or

lower your self-esteem without your consent. The greatest mistake most people have made is

losing themselves in relationships hence living in their partners’ dreams and killing their own

identity. Always follow your own unique dreams and desires and allow yourself to let go of the

people, thoughts and actions that rob your identity.

A frustrated Janet lives from hand to mouth by doing manual work. She strives to feed her

siblings all day long while at night she is haunted by the guilt of her past. Nightmares of her

wasted life become an endless routine which makes her loose her inner peace. Janet undergoes a

terrible Quarter-life crisis which makes her so depressed. In the crisis she views her life as a

passing wind which never blows the same area twice. She feels uncertain about her future she

lacks a clear sense of direction. She almost loses her mind and wishes to turn the clock back to

her first year moments. If only time would turn back, she would study so hard not considering

what others’ perspective about her was. She would always walk head high as nobody can make

her feel less than she is, unfortunately, that is just an illusion which differs so much with the

reality of the situation.

Much time is lost when you bury your identity and start living someone else’s life. An arrow

never comes back once it has left the bow, likewise many opportunities will be lost forever

which will always result to future regrets. The moment you realize how much you are worth, will

be the moment when you will distort illusion and embrace reality and then embark on an affair

with identity.

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PART TWO: REAL AFFAIR

Have you ever suffered quarter-life crisis in your twenties? That stage is real, where you feel you

are losing your mind. Nothing seems to work your way and you get that empty feeling and a gap

nothing and nobody can fill. The thought of your actions and real expectations breaks you down

and inner peace is so hard to find. Reality of your life starts kicking in and you get so pressured

to perform more. Quarter-life crisis is a critical stage but it is mostly ignored and unknown as we

mainly focus on mid-life crisis. At the quarter-life crisis stage, the inner self is tested and its

strength and weaknesses weighed. Just like puberty if not handled well it may result to fixations

and has a positive impact when well taken care of.

Back to Janet’s story, Janet battles with her inner self and the reality of her current situation.

Reflection of her wasted life and career breaks her heart. She suffers a quarter life crisis as she

battles with trying to discover who she is and her purpose in life. She suffers an emotional

breakdown when the thought of her love life comes into her mind. Love! Love! Love! What is

love? When Janet was in campus she would tell you that love is when a lady and gent can live

together, make love and the entire campus approve them as lovebirds and they must be able to

make a perfect match in terms of physical appearance. That was the meaning of love to the

campus Janet.

Unfortunately, that is still the meaning of love to most of our young people. It is the key reason

why many relationships break after campus because when young people leave campus, mature

and face the real world they discover there is just so much to love and not just a perfect match.

At my age I have not figured out what real and true love is, but am pretty sure that it is not a bed

of roses. Besides the good times there will always be storms in every relationship and what is

most important is how to withstand the storm and the outcome. I am also sure that no

relationship should make you feel inferior, actually nobody has the authority to degrade you

without your consent. Each partner should assist the other in personal development and the

realization of undiscovered potentials and exploring them to bring out the best in each individual.

I have a strong believe that a relationship that does not grow you is not worth the effort ant time

wasted. They say love is blind, do you agree? Have you ever been in a relationship where after

ending the relationship you look back and the thought of that relationship makes you nauseated?

When a person is in love, they are literally blind! Especially ladies who will end up reasoning

with their hearts as opposed to their brains. Love is so strong that it makes even the strongest

men fragile.

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What if we took advantage of this love to soar above unlimited heights? I believe love emotions

are so strong that they can be harnessed into achieving and exploring unreached limits. People

have done crazy things due to love, I mean people have killed each other, committed suicide and

done extremely dangerous things as a result of love. Is it really worth it? What if that is the type

of love we had for ourselves? Trust me we would be way much better. The problem is not that

you do not love yourself, rather is all begins with self-identity.

Believe you me when I say that there is much you do not know about yourself. Each passing day

is an opportunity to discover something new about yourself. You never know how powerful and

strong you are until you explore that chapter of your inner self. It is up to you, like other

relationships, to begin your affair with identity. I can almost assure you that in your affair with

identity unlike other unpredictable relationships, you are sure that you will never suffer a heart

break and devastation. On the contrary, an affair with self-identity will form the basis of all your

relationships in this life and it is the most exciting feeling to know that you can actually control

all the forces existing in your life.

I come from a society where the level of education determines one’s brilliance. An education

system that requires conformity to the curriculum as opposed to encouraging creativity. It is sad

how most creative people who cannot conform well to the system due to the nature of their inner

curiosity, lose themselves and end up murdering the genius in them. If everyone on earth would

discover their capabilities and impact the world with them, the world would really evolve and

transform greatly. During childhood, children tend to show a certain level of curiosity and the

need to explore and it is there that a keen parent will discover a child’s talent and interest.

Unfortunately, in most cases the talent is not nurtured making it fade by each passing day thus

killing a genius in the child. This is the reason many students will be termed by the society and

teachers as `dumb’ while in real sense they are capable of changing the world with their

undiscovered talents. Most become discouraged and just like a candle, they melt down as their

light slowly fades leaving them no longer shining.

It is time for you to awake the sleeping genius in you! How long are you planning to let him

sleep? Forever? Are you not tired with the society looking down on you with the thoughts that

nothing sensible can be done by you? It is now your time! Look deep into your inner self,

explore the undiscovered passions and look beyond the obvious societal thoughts. The second

you realize the fading passion and begin an affair to explore it will mark the beginning of your

transformation to the real self. It is time to live as per your passions and capabilities! It is only

then that you realize your entire life has almost been a waste. However, it is never too late to

discover yourself.

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