with bill huebsch. what makes a home “homey?”

with Bill Huebsch

What makes a home“Homey?”

www.OurParishRenewed.com

Suburban town near Minneapolis, Minnesota Typical suburban community North of Minneapolis Very middle class:

◦ Tracts of homes◦ Mobile home parks

Older town that became a bedroom community

Lots of kids, big schools

PastoralPlanning.com

300 children per grade But they aren’t usually at the parish They’re on the practice fields and rinks Practicing or play music At dance rehearsal

Or in family cars being chauffeured by their over-extended parents.

This town has an elaborate system of youth leagues ◦ They meet after school◦ On weekends◦ Even during the summer

Teams travel for their games which means long car rides and often, overnight trips

This starts for little kids – age 7 or 8!

Conventional wisdom in this town is that if you want your kid to succeed◦ They have to be in hockey skates by age 3

Hockey practice?◦ Rink time is scarce so it might be 6 AM on Sunday

or 7 PM on Thursday

The idea is that every child must be offered every opportunity

The kids and their parents all carry elaborate mobile phones and appointment calendars

Univ of Michigan study:◦ Average kid lost 12 hours of free time per week

between 1981 and 1997◦ Playtime declined by 25%◦ Unstructured outdoor activity fell by half◦Supper?

Forget itPastoralPlanning.com

The average time which a child now spends in non-directive communication with his or her parents?

Less than 3 minutes per day

It’s all about loving attention

Parents send this message:◦We love you for what you achieve◦The pie is limited◦You gotta grab yours◦Don’t take time off◦Don’t dawdle◦Don’t daydream◦If you’re not good enough you won’t

make the cut

One mom told me this sad story:◦Her mother had died in Wisconsin◦The funeral would mean being gone for

two nights◦They wanted their children to be there, She was their grandma To know the extended family To hear the family stories

This is so important!

But missing softball practice meant being benched

Missing a game meant being cut

This wasn’t even an important game But the coach had his rules

And they did not favor family lifePastoralPlanning.com

One set of parents told me this: They built a new house a few years ago

Bigger than they could afford It has no dining room! Not even a kitchen table But only a counter-top

◦So they eat standing up◦Or in front of the TV

Into this busy family context Steps the parish team

Parents want a little faith for their kids

We offer programs to do that

We become “just one more demand” among the many they juggle

We also know this: What we do at the parish to teach a youngster about faith

Can only reinforce what they get at home from the parents

The parents ARE the real teachers◦Whether we like it or not.

But we tend to focus so much on the parish That we omit the household

For example◦ Time & Talent sign up Sunday?

It’s all about the parish!◦ Stewardship commitments?

All about the parish.◦ Evenings and weekends?

All about the parish.

More examples:

Religious ed classes?◦ No parents are involved◦ Except for a little in 2nd grade◦ A bit more at Confirmation◦ Walking down the aisle at the wedding

Minimum obligations for families◦ Rules they must follow◦ “Hurdles and Hoops”◦ In order to “get” the Sacraments

More examples:

Rehearsals, choir practice, training◦ Same thing◦ To be a lector you MUST attend the training◦ How different are we from that coach?

Parish meetings?◦ Almost all occur at suppertime◦ Sometimes we substitute supper with us ◦ …for supper with their families

But wait!

We’re talking here about families having supper◦Supper at home◦Not at the parish

Supper is “the school of the family”

www.OurParishRenewed.com

What contribution can we make to the modern families I’ve been describing?

More parish programs? More requirements they must meet? More guilt about activity outside the parish?

OR…PastoralPlanning.com

1. Parish-talkFocus on supper at homeRather than on the parish itself

2. Help people learn how to be better Homemakers

Bedtime ritualsHospitalitySupper

3. 50-50 Covenants

Focus the talk of the parish on household life, especially meals.

Be the ones who most encourage family suppertime

Help parents learn how to be “homemakers” ◦ Family rituals◦ Sacred times for the family alone

Connect parents with each other for support◦ It takes a lot of backbone to be countercultural

In the bulletinOn the websiteFrom the pulpit

In the announcementsIn everything we send home

As part of scheduling

Understand that the parish is not the church It’s where the church gathers The church does not live at the parish

The church lives in the ‘hood◦ The apartments and condos◦ The double-wides◦ The homes and neighborhoods ◦ Even under the bridges or in the homeless shelters

That’s actually where the church lives

Don’t live alone together Create a place of love and forgiveness Manage the TV & media devices Develop household rituals Give each other attention Call each other by name! Make time for each other

And above all: Have supper as often as possible

Hint: Turn them off

2000 Federal Study◦There is a strong association◦Family meals (5 or more suppers per week)

◦Produce academic success◦Psychological adjustment◦Lower rates of drug and alcohol use◦Lower rates of early sexual activity◦Much lower rates of suicide

One and two parents families alikePastoralPlanning.com

Supper is THE place where formation for life takes place

This is “religious education” This is where tradition is passed on to the

next generation

This is where story telling happens If it doesn’t happen here

◦ It can’t happen anywhere else

Family rituals◦Meals◦Bedtimes◦Farewells◦Critical events

Predictability Connection Identity A way to enact values

We need this in order to be well-adjusted

& happy.

Think of supper as a liturgical act Be home Be unrushed Keep it simple Turn off the TV Cook together Linger at the table Invite guests often Wait for the Risen Christ to appear here

Light candles Use linens The good china

Sacred writings! Sacred vestments

Get yourself a 3 pound cod Divide it the long way

The stuffing:◦ Crush some crackers (1 cup)◦ Add a few chopped walnuts (3 tbsp.)◦ 1 tbsp. parsley◦ 4 tbsp. butter, melted

Mix all together. ◦ (A drop or two of cooking sherry adds a nice touch.)

How to stuff a fish Lay the cod out flat. Place the stuffing in the center. Fold the fish over stuffing and seal it with

toothpicks. Drizzle a little butter and lemon over top. Dress it up however you like!

Let stand to rest a few minutes.

How to bake the cod Oil a glass pan. Place the fish in the pan. Melt some butter and a dollop of lemon

juice. Drizzle over the fish. Dust with a little paprika for color. Bake in a 400° F oven for 25 to 30 minutes

(depending on the thickness of your fish).

Jesus understood this very well When he chose a symbol to leave behind

◦ One which would help us recall him◦ And the community to which we belong

He did not choose to leave behind◦ A theology system◦ A moral code◦ A textbook about all this◦ Or even an organized church

He left behind only this: Supper

The meal WAS the teaching moment

Look at Luke◦ 10 great meals◦ Each one a key turning point

So it is with us We must refocus on the meal as the

key teaching moment among family members

If you don’t eat supper You can’t figure out what Jesus was talking

about◦ Or calling us to do ◦ Or any of it

You can’t theologize the Kingdom of God You can’t even church-ize it. You have to live it in daily life

Which means: having supper

anduse the china more

3. 50-50 Covenants

50-50 Covenantsbetween

Households and Parish

Right now: ◦ Parish: 90%◦ Household: 10%

Instead: Make “friendly agreements” between

◦ Parish◦ & Household

On a 50-50 basis

Seems fair, doesn’t it?◦ Who could say no to this?

This is not working.

The household sits down and agrees to its part

The parish also agrees to its part

Parish◦ Focus on good liturgy◦ Welcome all◦ No meetings during

the supper hour◦ Coach parents◦ Flexibility with

requirements◦ Resources to assist

them to help the poor & live their faith

Household◦ Within the home

Shared Meals Forgiveness Paying attention

◦ Within the ‘hood Recycle garbage Support charities Reduce prejudice

◦ Within the parish Financial support Time and talent Being present

1. Strong and committed parish leaders2. A deep understanding that the church

lives in these homes3. Don’t be afraid to call people to step

up to the plate4. Trust that the Holy Spirit is working

there!

How to Have Supper Coaching parents to form their own kids Faith on the Run Parables on the Run

Ways to bring parents into the picture And ways to support home life

3. 50-50 Covenants

with bill huebsch. what makes a home “homey?”

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