what every parent should know

� whateveryparentshouldknow ©GordontraininGinternational

Bydr.thomasGordon

PARENTshouldknow

PARENTwhatevery

theessentialtoolseveryparentneeds.

ChildREN doN’TMisbEhAvE

david,averycuriousandactivethree-year-old,emptieseverythingoutofhismother’sdeskandisdrawing on her file folders with Crayolamarkers.discoveringthismess,hismotherangrilypopsdavidontherear.david,ofcourse,criesandlooksbewildered.

whendavid’sfathergetshome,heisgreetedwiththemother’sreport,“ourdarlingsoncertainlymisbehavedtoday.”predictably,herhusbandasks,“whatdidhedo?”hisquestionisquiteunderstandablebecausethemessage“davidmisbehaved”communicatesnothingaboutwhatdavidactuallydid,onlythathismothermadeanevaluationofdavidhimself—hewasa“misbehaving”child.

ifparentsonlyknewhowmuchtroublethisconceptcausesin

families.thinkingintermsofchildrenmisbehavingnotonlyspellstroubleforkids,obviously,butitalsobringsonunnecessaryproblemsforparents.

whyisthisso?whatiswrongwiththinkingandsayingthatyourchildmisbehaves?everyparentdoes.yes,andtheirparentsbeforethem.infact,theoriginoftheconceptofchildmisbehaviorgoesbacksofarinhistorythatitisdoubtfulifanyoneactuallyknowswhenitstartedorwhy.itissuchacommonlyemployedtermthatitsuseinfamilieshasseldombeenchallenged.

strangelyenough,thetermisalmostexclusivelyappliedtochildrenseldomtoadults,friends,orspouses.howoftenhaveyouoverheardanyonesay:

“My husband misbehaved yesterday.”

“I got so angry when my friend misbehaved during lunch.”

“My employees have been misbehaving.”

“Our guests misbehaved at our party last night.”

apparently,then,onlychildrenareseenasmisbehaving—nooneelse.Misbehaviorisparentlanguage,tiedupsomehowwiththewayparentstraditionallyhaveviewedtheiroffspring.parentssaythatchildrenmisbehavewhentheiractions(ortheirbehaviors)arecontrarytowhatparentsthinktheyoughttobe.Moreaccurately,misbehaviorisbehaviorthatproducessomesortofbadconsequencefortheparent.

Misbehavior = behavior bad for the parent.

ontheotherhand,whenachildengagesinbehaviorthatdoesnotbringbadconsequencesfortheparent,thatchildisdescribedas“behaving.”

“Debbie behaved herself today.” “Michael was well behaved at the store.”

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“We try to teach our children to behave.”

parentswouldbemoreeffective,andlifeathomemorepleasantforeveryone,iftheywouldbeginthinkingaboutchildren’sbehaviorinadifferentway.First,trytorememberthatallofchildren’sactionsarebehaviors.eachthingthey do or say is a specific behavior. viewedinthisway,alldaylongachildisbehaving.andfortheverysamereasonallothercreaturesengageinbehaviors—theyaretryingtogettheirneedsmet.

aninfantcriesbecauseheishungryorcoldorinpain.somethingiswrong;hisorganismneedssomething.Cryingbehavioristheinfant’swayofsaying“help.”suchbehavior,infact,shouldbeviewedasquiteappropriate(“good”),forthecryingisapttobringthechildthehelpthatisneeded.whenseenasanorganismbehavingratherappropriatelytogetaneedmet,thechildcertainlycannotbeevaluatedasmisbehaving!

similarly,whenthree-year-olddavidwasexploringandremovingthecontentsofthedesk,thatbehavior,seenasamanifestationofhisneedtoseenewshapesandsizes,handleobjectsordraw,wouldnothavebeenlabeledbyhismotherasmisbehaving.

Family life would be infinitely less exasperatingforparents,andmore

enjoyableforchildrenaswell,ifparentswouldacceptthesesimpleprinciplesaboutchildren:

PRiNCiPlE i:like everyone else children have needs and to get their needs met, they act or behave.

PRiNCiPlE ii:Children don’t misbehave: they simply behave to get their needs met.

thisdoesnotmean,however,thatparentswilllikeallofthebehaviorsthattheirchildrenengagein.norshouldparentsbeexpectedto,forchildrenareboundtodothingsthatproduceunacceptableconsequencesfortheirparents.kidscanbeloudanddestructive,delayyouwhenyou’reinahurry,pesteryouwhenyouneedquiet,causeyouextrawork,clutterupthehouse,interruptyourconversation,andbreakyourvaluables.

thinkaboutsuchbehaviorsthisway:theyarebehaviorschildrenareengagingintomeettheirneeds.ifatthesametimetheyhappentointerferewithyourpursuitofpleasure,thatdoesn’tmeanthatthechildismisbehaving.rather,herparticularwayofbehavingisunacceptabletoyou.don’tinterpretthatthechildistryingtodosomethingtoyou—sheisonlytryingtodosomethingforherself.andthisdoesnotmakeherabadchildoramisbehavingchild.

ifparentswouldstrikethewordmisbehavingfromtheirvocabulary,theywouldrarelyfeeljudgmentalandangry.Consequently,theywouldnotfeellikeretaliatingwithpunishment,asinthesituationwithlittledavidandhismother.allparents,however,doneedtolearnsomeeffectivemethodsformodifyingbehaviorthatinterfereswiththeirneeds,butlabelingthechildasmisbehavingisnotoneofthem.norispunishment,ofanykind.

bE A PERsoN, NoT A “PARENT”

thereissomethingaboutbecomingaparentthatmakespeopleforgetthattheyarepersons.theystarttoplaytheroleofaparent.karenandsteve,twopersons,suddenlyfeelthattheymusttransformthemselvesintoMomanddad,twoparents.unfortunately,thistransformationmakespeopleforgetthattheyarestillhuman—withfaults,limitations,feelings,inconsistencies,and,aboveall,rights.

Forgettingtheirhumannessisthefirst serious mistake parentsmakeonenteringparenthood.theytakeonaheavyburdenofresponsibility;theydevelopfeelingsofguiltandinadequacy;theytrytoohard;theylosetheirrealness.andtheir

childrensuffer,too,becausekidsdeeplyappreciatetheirparentsbeingrealandhuman.haveyoueverheardkidssay,“Mymomisaniceperson”;“Myfatherisarealguy”;“they’rereallygreatpeople”?

“Thinking in terms of children misbehaving not

only spells trouble for kids, obviously, but it also

brings on unnecessary problems for parents.”

“Parents would be more effective, and life at

home more pleasant for everyone, if they would begin thinking about children’s behaviorsin a different way.”

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howcanparentsbepersonstotheirchildren?Byunderstandingafewsimpleprinciplesabouthumanrelationships—truthsthatapplyequallytoallparent-childrelationships.

Childreninevitablydothingsthatmaketheirparentsfeelexasperated,irritated,frustrated,put-upon,resentful,disappointed,orjustplainmad.Childrenarenodifferentfromyourspouseorrelativesorfriendsorco-workers,allofwhomcan,fromtimetotime,provokesimilarfeelings.imaginethatyoualwaysviewyourchild’sbehaviors—everythinghedoesorsays—throughawindowinfrontofyou.nowthinkofthatwindowashavingtwosections,atopandabottomsection.adopttheruleofviewingallofyourchild’sunacceptablebehaviorsthroughthebottompartofthewindow,andalloftheacceptablebehaviorsthroughthetop,asinthispicture:

Julie,runningandplayingloudlyoutside,isbehavioryouwouldprobablyviewthroughthetoppartofyourwindow—itisacceptabletoyou.Juliedoingthesamethinginthelivingroom,however,undoubtedlywouldbeviewedthroughthebottompartofyourwindow—itisunacceptabletoyou.

allparentshavetwosectionsintheirwindows.thatistosay,becauseparentsarepersons,notgods,someoftheirchildren’sbehaviorswillbeunacceptable.amoredirectwayofputtingthis:youwon’tlikewhatyourchildrenaredoingsomeofthetime,

andhenceyouwon’treallylikethem someofthetime.

ifyoudon’tlikethewaythatsounds,justrememberthatattimesyoudon’tlikeyourspouse,yourfriends,yourrelatives,andso

on.intheserelationshipswithothers,however,theirunacceptablebehaviorsdonotusuallyhavethesamestrongeffectonyou,asaperson,asdothebehaviorsofyourchildren.whenafrienddoessomethingthatyoudon’tlike,you’reapttoexcuseitasanidiosyncrasy:“that’sjustthewaykatieis—forgetful.”norareyouapttofeelresponsibleforthefriend’sbehavior—ortofeelinadequateorlikeafailure.

yetwhenyourchildrenengageinbehaviorthatinterfereswithyourneeds,don’tyouoftenfeelthatyouaresomehowresponsible?youfeelparentalresponsibilityforyourchildren’sbehavior!whatdidyoudowrong?youmustbeabadparent!

PRiNCiPlE iii:Parents can’t be accepting of all behavior of their children

you’refeelingrestedandenergeticandhappywiththeworld.Jack,your��-year-old,isplayinghisguitarwithconsiderablegusto.itdoesn’tbotheryouatall;infact,you’redelightedtoseehimgettingsuchakickoutofpracticing.Jack’sbehavioris

seenthroughthetoppartofyourwindow—it’squiteacceptabletoyou.

itistwodayslater,andyou’reexhaustedandtryingtocatchahalf-hournap.Jackagainstartstoplayhisguitarloudly.youknowthatyoucan’tdropofftosleepwiththatdarnedguitarblastinginyourears.itisveryunacceptabletoyou-youseeJack’sguitarplayingtodayinthebottompartofyourwindow.

areyoubeinginconsistent?ofcourse.Butforaverygoodreason.youareadifferentpersontodayfromthepersonyouweretwodaysago.Beinghuman,youchange.Butyouwererealthen,andyouarerealtoday.ifyouhadreactedconsistentlybothdays,youwouldhavebeenunrealoneofthosedays—phony,ifyouwill.

Beinginconsistentinyourreactiontoachild’sbehaviorisbeingarealperson;itisalsoinevitable.despitetheadviceofcountlesschild-rearingexperts,parentscanandwillbeinconsistent.andiwouldsaythattheyshouldbeinconsistent.

acceptableBehaviors

uncceptableBehaviors

Jackplayingguitar

acceptableBehaviors

unacceptableBehaviors

Jackplayingguitar

acceptableBehaviors

unacceptableBehaviors“All parents need to learn

some effective methods for modifying behavior

that interferes with their needs, but labeling the child as misbehaving is

not one of them.”

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PRiNCiPlE iv: Parents don’t have to be consistent with children.

Butwhatabouttheeffectonthechild? In the first place,childrenunderstandthattheirparentshavegooddaysandbad,thatonesituationcanbedifferentfromanother.ithappenstothem!second,kidsgrowtorespectparentswhoarehonestabouttheirfeelings,andgrowtodistrustthosewhoarenot.

thetraditionalbeliefinbeingconsistent also influences mothers andfatherstothinkthattheymustalwaysbeconsistentorunitedwitheachother’sreactionstotheirchild’sbehavior.this,too,isnonsense.parentsaretoldtobackeachotherupsothatthechildbelievesthatbothparentsfeelthesamewayaboutaparticularunacceptablebehavior.

whatiswrongwiththisentrenchedideaisthatitrequiresoneparenttobeuntruetohisorherrealfeelings.itasksoneparenttoplayarole,bephony.again,childrenareabletoperceivesuchphoniness,andtheydislike it. An adolescent girl confirmed thisformewhenshesaid,“idon’trespectmyfather—infactihatehisweakness.whatevermymotherfeelsaboutthingsido,hetakeshersideeventhoughiknowhedoesn’tagree.”

parentscannothidetheirtruefeelings,andtheyshouldnottry.rather,parentsshouldacceptthefactthatoneparentmayfeelacceptingofabehaviorandtheotherfeelunaccepting.theeffectiveparent

realizesthatheorshewillinevitablyfeeldifferentondifferentdaysaboutthesamebehavior.parents

arepeople,notgods.theydonothavetoactunconditionallyacceptingtowardallbehaviors,orevenconsistentlyacceptingtowardonebehavior.neithershouldtheypretendtobeacceptinginorder

topresentaunitedfront.

PRiNCiPlE v: Parents don’t have to put up a “united front.”

whileallchildrenwouldundoubtedlyprefertobeacceptedallthetime,theycanconstructivelyhandletheirparents’unacceptingfeelingswhentheparentssendhonestmessagesthatmatchtheirtruefeelings.notonlydoesthismakeiteasierforchildrentolearntojudgetheappropriatenessofvariousbehaviors,butitalsohelpsthemgrowtoseetheirparentsasrealpersons—transparent,human,andpeoplewithwhomtheywouldlikearelationship.

You CAN ChANgE bEhAvioR You doN’T likE wiThouT usiNg PuNishMENT

whenchildren’sbehaviorinterfereswiththeirparents’needs,asitinevitablywill,parentsnaturallywanttotrytomodifysuchbehavior.afterall,parentsdohaveneeds.theyhavetheirownlivestoliveandtherighttoderivesatisfactionandenjoymentfromtheirexistence.Butparentsmaketwoseriousmistakes.First,muchtotheirregret,manyparentsignoreunacceptable

behaviorsandwatchtheirchildrengrowuptobeterriblyinconsiderateorevenoblivioustotheirparents’needs.ifparentspermitthis,theydevelopstrongfeelingsofresentmentandevengrowtodislikesuchungrateful or selfish kids. Second, mostparentschoosepunishmentas their first approach in trying to modifyunacceptablebehavior.ifparentspermissivelyignorebehaviortheydon’tlike,theysuffer;iftheyrelyonpunishment,theirkidssuffer.andinbothcasestherelationshipsuffers.Butwhatcanparentsdosothatchildrenlearntorespecttheirparents’needsandrights?thereareeffectivemethodsforinfants,toddlers,andolderchildren.

With Infants and Preverbal Children

veryyoungchildren,whomaybeunabletounderstandverbalmessages,presentaspecialproblem

forparents.nevertheless,itisactuallyquite easy to influence infants and preverbalchildrentomodifybehaviorunacceptabletoparents,providedtherightapproachisused.parentscanchoosefromfourdifferentapproaches—allveryeffective:

•theguessinggame •“let’smakeatrade” •thenonverbali-Message •Changingtheenvironment

“Forgetting their humanness is the first

serious mistake parents make on entering

parenthood.”

“being inconsistent in your reaction to a

child’s behavior is being a real person; it is also

inevitable.”

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The guessing game: effectiveparentsmustlearntobegoodguesserswithinfantsandtoddlerssimplybecausethesechildrencan’ttellparentsmuchaboutwhat’sgoingoninsidethem.emily,sixmonthsold,startstocryloudlyinthemiddleofthenight.herparentsareawakenedfromthesleeptheyneed and naturally find this behavior unacceptable.Buthowcantheygetemilytostopcrying?Quitesimply,theystartguessing.Findingthecauseofhercryingsothattheycanremedytheproblemissomethinglikeapuzzle.

Maybeshe’swetandcold.we’llcheck first on that. No, she’s still dry.well,coulditbewedidn’tburpherenough,andsheisfeelinguncomfortablewithgas?let’spickherupandstarttheburpingprocess.Badguessagain—emilywon’tburp.wonderifshe’shungry?thereisstillsomemilkinherbottle,butitgotpusheddowntotheendofthecrib.we’llactonthathypothesisnext.

success!emilysucksforafewminutesandthengetssleepy.theyputherbackintohercribgently,andshefallsasleep.herparentscangobacktobednowandgettheirownneedsmet.

thatisanexampleoftheguessinggame,anapproachthatparentshavetouseveryfrequentlywithinfantswhentheywhineincessantly,whentheyarerestlessandpestering,whentheycan’tgettosleep,whenthey throw their food on the floor. theguessinggameworkseffectivelybecausewheninfantsdothingsthatareunacceptabletotheirparentsthere’sareasonforit—usuallyaverylogicalreason.whenparentsstartusingtheguessinggame,theystopresortingtopunishment.

PRiNCiPlE vi:when infants behave unacceptably, there is a good reason, but you have to try to guess what it is.

Sometimes parents find the guessing gameeasy;othertimesmoredifficult. The cliched “if at first you don’tsucceed,try,tryagain”isthesoundestadviceiknowforparents.actually,parentscangetquitegoodatthegamebecausetheygettoknowtheiroffspringbetterandbetter.parentshavetoldmethattheyeventuallylearnedtotellthedifferencebetweenawet-cry,ahungry-cryandagas-cry.

“let’s make a trade.”anotherapproachforchangingunacceptablebehaviorsofinfantsandtoddlersinvolvestrading:substitutingtheunacceptablebehaviorforanotherbehaviorthatwouldbeacceptabletotheparent.

laura,yourcuriousone-year-old,hasfoundapairofyournewstockings,which she finds enjoyable to touch and tug on. You find this unacceptable becauseyou’reafraidshe’llsnagordestroythem.yougotoyourdrawerandpulloutanoldpairthatisalreadysnaggedandbeyondbeingwearable.youplacethispairinherhandsandgentlytakeawaythenewpair.laura,not knowing the difference, finds the damagedpairequallyasenjoyableto

touchandtug.herneedsaremetandsoareyours.

daveisjumpingupanddownonthecouch,andhismotherfearsthathewillknockthelampofftheendtable.She gently but firmly removes Dave fromthecouchandproceedstojumpupanddownwithhimonthepillows,whichsheremovedfromthecouchand put on the floor.

shelly,age�8months,startstogetuponherdad’slapontheverynightheisdressedinhisfreshlycleanedlight-coloredsuit.dadnoticesthatshelly’shandsarecoveredwithjammixedwithequalpartsofpeanutbutter.dadgentlyrestrainsshelly,butthenimmediatelygoestothebathroom,getsawetwashcloth,andwipesherhandsclean.thenhepicksshellyupandputsheronhislap.

again,whenparentsstartthinkingintermsoftrading,theystopusingpunishment.

PRiNCiPlE vii:when you can’t accept one behavior, substitute another you can.

The nonverbal i-Message. olderchildrenoftenmodifytheirbehaviorafteraparentsendsthemanhonestmessagethatconveyshowtheparentisaffectedbythechild’sbehavior,asin:

“I can’t hear on the phone when there’s so much yelling.”

“I’m afraid I’ll be late if you take too long to dress.”

“I Iove that little dish, and I would be sad if it got broken.”

Butchildrentooyoungtounderstandwords won’t be influenced by such

“it is actually quite easy to influence infants

and preverbal children to modify behavior

unacceptable to parents, provided the right approach is used. “

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messages(called“i-Messages”becausetheyconveytothechild“letmetellyouhowiamfeeling”).Consequently,thei-Messagehastobeputintoanonverbalform,asinthefollowingexamples:

whiledadiscarryinglittletonyinthesupermarket,hestartstokickdadinthestomach,laughingwitheachkick.dadimmediatelyputstonydownonhisfeetandcontinueswalking.(Message:“ithurtsmewhenigetkickedinthestomach;soidon’tliketocarryyou.”)

Judystallsandpokesgettingintothecarwhenhermotherisinaterriblehurry.MotherputsherhandonJudy’srumpandgentlybutfirmly guides her onto the front seat. (Message:“ineedyoutogetinrightnowbecausei’minahurry.”)

PRiNCiPlE viii:let kids know how you feel, even if you can’t use words.

thekeytoemployingthismethodoftryingtomodifyunacceptablebehaviorisavoidinganykindofbehaviorthatwillbepunishingorpainfultothechild.afterall,youonlywanthimtoknowhowyouarefeeling.slapping,hitting,thumping,pushing,jerking,yelling,pinching—allthesemethodsinevitablycommunicatetothechildthathe’sbad,he’swrong,hisneedsdon’tcount,he’sdonesomethingcriminal,andhedeservestobepunished.

Changing the environment. Mostparentsintuitivelyknowthatoneeffectivewayofstoppingmanykindsofunacceptablebehavioristochangethechild’senvironment,asopposedtoeffortstochangethechilddirectly.whatparenthasnotwatchedawhiny,pestering,boredchildgettotally(andquietly)immersedwhen

herparentprovidesherwithsomematerialsthatcaptureherinterest,such as clay, finger paints, puzzles, picturebooks,oroldscrapsofcoloredcloth.thisiscalled“enrichingtheenvironment.”

atothertimeskidsneedjusttheopposite.they’rekeyedupandhyperactivejustbeforebedtime,forexample,sothewiseparentknowshowto“impoverishtheenvironment.”overstimulatedchildrenoftenwillcalmdowniftheyarereadortoldastory(realorfiction), or if they have a quiet period ofsharingtheday’sevents.Muchofthestormandstressofbedtimecouldbeavoidedifparentsmadeanefforttoreducethestimulationoftheirchildren’senvironment.

Mostunacceptable(anddestructive)behavioroftoddlerscanbeavoidedbyseriouseffortsonthepartofparentsto“Child-prooftheenvironment,”aswith:

• Buyingunbreakablecupsandglasses

• puttingmatches,knives,andrazorbladesoutofreach

• relocatingmedicineandhouseholdcleaners

• keepingthebasementdoorlocked

• securingslipperythrowrugs

PRiNCiPlE iX:It’s often more efficient to change the child’s environment than to change the child.

With Older Children

whenchildrenunderstandverballanguage,youcantalkstraightto

them,hopingthattheywilltakeintoconsiderationyourneedsanddecideontheirowntochangetheirbehavior.Byfarthemosteffectivemethodistosendaverbali-Message.asexplainedpreviously,ani-Messageisonethatcommunicatestothechildonlywhatishappeningtoyouasaconsequenceofhisbehavior,asinthefollowingexamples:

“When the TV is on so loud, I can’t talk with your mom.’’ “I’m not going to enjoy the flowers I planted if they’re trampled on.”

whileitappearstobestraight-forward,sendingi-Messagesisnoteasytolearn,primarilybecausemostparentsaresolockedintothehabitofsendingyou-Messageswhentheyencounterunacceptablebehavior.you-Messagescontainaheavycomponentofblame,judgment,evaluation,threat,powerorput-downs.herearethemostcommontypesofyou-Messages:

• YOU clean up that mess. (ORDERING)

• If YOU don’t stop that, you’ll go to

your room. (WARNING)

• YOU shouldn’t come to the table without washing your hands. (PREACHING)

• YOU could go outside and play. (ADVISING)

• YOU ought to know better. (MORALIZING)

• YOU are acting like a baby. (EVALUATING)

• YOU are just showing off. (ANALYZING)

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• YOU need to learn some manners. (TEACHING)

• YOU are driving me to an early grave. (INDUCING GUILT)

• Look at these gray hairs YOU have caused me. (BLAMING)

Instead of influencing kids to change,you-Messagesmakechildrendefensiveandresistivetochange,andovertimetheyseriouslyshatterchildren’sself-esteem.what’smore,theyprovokeyoungsterstostrikebackwithayou-Messageoftheirown,causingthesituationtoescalateintoaverbalbattleroyal,oftenbringingtears,hurtfeelings,slammeddoors,threatsofpunishment,andafracturedrelationship.

i-Messages,ontheotherhand,aremuchlessapttoprovokeresistancetochange.whenkidshearthattheirparentsarehurting,theirnaturaldesiretohelpoutemerges.Furthermore,whenkidsarenotputdownorblamedforhavingtheirneeds,theyaremuchmorewillingtobeconsiderateoftheirparents’needs.

PRiNCiPlE X:To change unacceptable behavior of your child, talk about yourself, not your child.

probablythegreatestrewardforparentswholearntosendi-Messagesisthattheirchildreneventuallymodelafterthem.totellyourchildhonestlyhowyoufeelisrevealingyourownhumanness.shelearnsthatyoucanbehurt,tired,disappointed,harried,worried,andfearful.suchhonestyonyourpartwillserveasamodel,andyouwillseeyourchildrenbegintobehonestandrealwithyou.insteadofbeingstrangersinthesamehousehold,asinsomany

families,parentsandchildrendevelopanauthenticandopenrelationship.parentsexperiencethejobofhavinghonestchildren,andthechildrenareblessedbyhavingrealpersonsasparents.

ThE TERRiblE dANgERs oF disCiPliNE

ask�00parents,“shouldchildrenbedisciplined?”and90unhesitatinglywillanswer,“ofcourse.”thatparentsshoulddisciplinetheirchildrenhasbeensocommonlybelieved(andstronglydefended)thattoquestionthevalidityoftheideamayseemlikesomekindofheresyorfoolishness.yet,iknowofnootherbeliefthatcausesparentsmoretroublethandoestheconceptofdiscipline.Fromexperienceworkingwiththousandsofparentsinparenteffectivenesstrainingclasses,ihavebecomeconvincedthatitisactuallyaverydangerousbelief,foritalienatesparentsandchildrenandthuscontributestothedeteriorationofparent-childrelationships.

interestinglyenough,mostparentswhodisciplinetheirchildrenaremotivatedbythebestofintentions.theywanttheirkidstoberesponsible,dependable,thoughtful,courteous,competent,andmuchmore.parentssimplyknowofnootherwaytocarryouttheirgoodintentions.sotheyusediscipline.Then, when they find that discipline isn’tworkingwell,theyusuallydecidethattheyshoulddisciplineevenmorestrongly.andsoitgoes,untilkidsrebel,retaliateorleavehome.

whatisthisdisciplineparentsfeeltheyneedtouse?whatdoesit mean? The dictionary defines disciplineaspunishmentbyoneinpowerinordertobringaboutobedience.thekeytothetermdisciplineistheconceptofpowerorauthority—powertoobtainobedienceorpowertoenforceorderbyusingpunishment.

Officers discipline their subordinates; animaltrainersdisciplinedogsinobedienceschool;teachersdisciplinetheirstudents;parentsdisciplinetheirchildren.Butwheredoallthesepeoplegettheirpower?

powerisacquiredwhenonepersonpossesseswhatanotherpersonneedsbadly;wecalltheserewards.theteacherhasgradestohandout,andthedogtrainerhasfoodtoofferthehungrydog.poweralsoisacquiredwhenonepersonpossessesthe means for inflicting pain or discomfortonanother;wecallthesepunishments.theteachercankeepstudentsafterschoolorsendthem

tothevice-principal’s office; thedogtrainercanjerkthechokechainandhurtthedog’sneck.

rewardsandpunishmentsgivepeoplepower,andpoweristhebasisfortheir

positionofauthorityoverothers.Consequently,whenparentssaythattheyusetheirauthorityindiscipliningkids,theymeanthattheymakeuseofrewardsandpunishments.theyoffer(orpromise)rewardstogetthebehaviortheywantfromtheirchildren, and they inflict (or threaten to inflict) punishment to get rid of behaviortheydon’twant.soundseasy,doesn’tit?

“i know of no other belief that causes parents more

trouble than does the concept of discipline.”

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inpractice,however,discipliningchildrenthroughrewardsandpunishmentsisnotnearlyaseasyasitsounds.therearepitfallsfortheparent,andsomecanbequitedangerousanddestructivefortheparent-childrelationship.

In the first place, parents are inevitablygoingtorunoutofpower.whenchildrenareveryyoung,parentshaveagreatdealofpoweroverthem.parentspossessalotofrewardsthatworkquitewellandpunishmentsthatmakekidstoethemark.aschildrengetolder,however,parentsbegintorunoutofeffectiverewards,aswellaspotentpunishments.rewardsthatonceworkedforthemaremetwithdisinterest.inthecaseofpunishment,childrenbegintoresistorrebel.whentheyreachtheteenyears,theirparentscomeupemptyhanded.

onefatherinaparenteffectivenesstrainingclassexpresseditthisway:

“My son is 15 now, and the only source of power I have left is the car keys. And in six months that won’t work because he’ll have his own car.”

themotherofa��-year-oldgirladmitted:

“Annie simply ignores most of my promises of gifts and favors. ‘Who needs it?’ she says, and then she keeps on doing what she pleases.”

parentswhohavereliedheavilyondiscipliningtheirchildrenwhenveryyoungdiscovertotheirdismaythattheyhaverunoutofpowerwhenthekidsreachadolescence.andthenthey find that they don’t have any other way to influence their kids. This iswhytheadolescentyearsformost

familiesturnouttobefrustrating,stressful,andstormy.

PRiNCiPlE Xi:Parents who use power inevitably run out of it when kids get older.

apartfromtheinevitableparentalimpotencythatfollowsfromtheearlyuseofpower,thereareotherconsequencesofdiscipliningchildrenthataredestructivetotheparent,tothechild,andtotheirrelationship.parentsareoftenunawareofthefact

thatchildren,facedwithadiscipliningparentwieldingpowerwithrewardsandpunishments,developcopingmechanisms—learnedresponses(oftenbecominghabitual)tohelpthem deal with, adjust to, or fight againsttheirparents’attemptstocontrolormoldthem.

inparenteffectivenesstrainingclasses,parentsareaskedtorecalltheirownyouth,whenparents(andteachers)usedpoweroverthem,andthentolistthevariouscopingmechanismstheyadoptedinresponsetotheirparents’disciplineefforts.thecompositelistincludespracticallyeveryoneofthefollowingcopingmechanisms:

• Resistance, defiance, rebellion, negativism

• Resentment, anger, hostility • Retaliation, aggression, hitting back

• Lying, hiding feelings, clamming up

• Blaming others, tattling• Bossing, bullying • Needing to win, cheating, hating to

lose • Organizing against parents,

combining forces • Submission, compliance, fear • Buttering up, currying favor • Conformity, lack of creativity,

needing to be proper and safe, passivity

• Withdrawing, escaping, fantasizing

whenparentsgrasptheideathattheirownchildrenaregoingtouseidenticalcopingmechanismsinresponsetotheirauthorityanddiscipline,theybegintowonderwhyanyparentwouldwanttousepowerandauthoritytodisciplinechildren.infact,itismyexperiencethatmostparentsdonotenjoybeingdictatorial,demanding,andpunishing.theydon’treallywanttocoercechildren;theywant to influence them.

PRiNCiPlE Xii:Children learn to cope with parental power with undesirable and unhealthy behaviors.

parents,ofcourse,wouldliketoseetheirchildrenbecomeresponsible,considerateofothers,cooperative,happy,andhealthy.Butmostparentsknowofnowaytofosterthesecharacteristicsotherthantodiscipline.yetdiscipliningchildren,basedasitmustbeontheuseofparental power, never influences; itonlyforcesthemtobehaveinprescribedways.disciplinecompelsorpreventsbehavior,usuallyleavingthechildunpersuaded,unconvinced,andunmotivated.asamatteroffact,childrengenerallyreturntotheirformerwaysassoonastheparentalpowerisremoved(orabsent),becausetheirneedsanddesires

“Parents who have relied heavily on disciplining

children when very young discover to their dismay that they have run out of power when the kids

reach adolescence.”

9 whateveryparentshouldknow ©GordontraininGinternational

remainunchangedwhentheyarecoerced.

PRiNCiPlE Xiii:discipline may compel or coerce, but it seldom influences.

Mostparentsarereluctanttogiveuptheirpowertodisciplinebecausetheonlyalternativetheyseeisbeingpermissive.andfewparentswantinconsiderate,unmanageable,orirresponsiblekids—thetypeofchildrenproducedbypermissiveness.ipointedoutpreviouslythatparentsmustprotecttheirrightsandsuggestedsomeeffectivewaysofmodifyingunacceptablebehavior—nonpowermethods.Butwhatiftheydon’twork?whatcanparents do when conflicts occur?

how To REsolvE CoNFliCTs so NobodY losEs

Conflicts arise in any relationship betweentwoormorepersons.Moreconflicts arise in some relationships thaninothers.healthyandsatisfyingrelationships can have many conflicts becauseitisnotthefrequencyof conflicts that hurts people’s relationshipsbutthemethodstheyusetotrytoresolvethem.

nowhereisthismoreapparentthanintheparent-childrelationship.Mostparentsrelyheavilyontwomethodsthatinthelongrunaredestructivetotheirrelationshipwiththeirchildren.theycouldlearntouseathirdmethodthatinvariablyenhancestheirrelationship.

thetwomethodsforresolvingconflicts that most parents use are bothwin-losemethods,whereonepersonwinsandtheotherloses.Methodiistheapproachinwhichtheparentdecideswhatthesolutionto the conflict is going to be, and thenusespowertogetcomplianceandmakesthechildcarryoutthesolution.

Four-year-oldnataliealwayswantsherdaddytoplaywithherimmediatelyafterhegetshomefromwork.daddy,however,feelstiredfromdrivingthefreewayhomeandneedstorelax.helikestoread

the paper and relax when he first getshome.usuallynataliecrawlsonhislap,mussesthepaperandinterruptshisreading.

Parent wins, child loses. Child resents parents.

Methodi:daddytellsnatalietogooutsideandplayandthreatenspunishmentifshedoesn’t.hejustdoesnotfeellikeplaying,andhe’sdeterminedtorest.nataliesulks,cries,andfeelsresentful.daddyfeelsguilty.sheloses;herneedsarenotmet.daddywins;hisneedsaremet.

ifnatalie’sfatherhadusedMethodii,theresultwouldalsobeawin-losesituation,forMethodiiisanapproachinwhichtheparentgivesintothechild’ssolution.Consequently,thechildgetsherneedsmetattheexpenseoftheparent’sneedsremainingunmet.

Child wins, parent loses. Parent resents child.

Methodii:daddysuccumbstonatalie’scoaxingandreluctantlyagreestoplaywithher,despitehisbeingtiredandnothavinghisheartinit.hefeelsput-uponandresentful(andactslikeamartyr).nataliesensesthisandfeelsatwingeofguilt.nataliewins;herneedsaremet.daddyloses;hisneedsarenotmet.

whenparentsuseMethoditoresolve conflicts with their kids, theyareactinglikedictators,andwithMethodii,theyaredoormats.ChildrenlearntorespondtothepowerparentsuseinMethodiwithoneorseveraloftheunhealthycopingmechanismsdescribedpreviously.Childrenlearntorespondto Method II by becoming selfish and inconsiderate,usuallyaccompaniedbyaperceptionthatnobodyelse’sneedsareimportantinthisworld.theresultsofpermissivenessareperhapsasdestructivetotheparent-childrelationshipastheresultsoftheauthoritarianmethodofhandlingconflicts.

PRiNCiPlE Xiv:if parents are either dictators or doormats, someone is going to lose.

parentshaveanalternativetobeingeitherstrictorlenient,authoritarianorpermissive.thereisawayoftakingpowerstrugglesoutoffamilyconflicts. Most parents have to learn howtousethismethod,fortheirownparentsseldomuseditwiththem.

Methodiiiisanapproachtoresolvingconflicts in which parent and child togetherofferpossiblesolutionstotheir conflict and ultimately select onesolutionthatisacceptabletoboth.thisisasolutionthatallowsbothparentandchildtogettheirneedsmet.

“They don’t really want to coerce children; they want to influence them.”

�0 whateveryparentshouldknow ©GordontraininGinternational

both win or nobody loses. And thus there is no resentment at all.

Methodiii:daddystatestheproblemtonatalie,“youwanttoplaywithmewhenigethome,butidon’tfeellikeplayingrightawaybecausei’msotiredfromdrivingonthefreeway.”daddythensuggeststhattheyboththinkofsolutionsthatmightmakethembothhappy.inafewminutestheyarriveatasolutionbothofthemaccept.daddypromisestoplaywithnatalieprovidedshewaitsuntilhehas finished relaxing and reading the paper.hewillhavehisrestperiod,afterwhichnataliewillgetherplayperiod.

Methodiii,calledtheno-loseMethod,eliminatesthepowerstrugglesthataresomuchapartof

Methodsiandii.Another benefit is thatitbringsaboutahighdegreeofmotivationforchildrentocarryoutthedecision.it’stheirdecision;theyhaveparticipatedinfinding it. Parents whoadoptthe

no-loseMethodforsolvingallconflicts frequently report that it bringsaboutcloser,warmer,andmuchmorelovingrelationshipsinthefamily.Childrenappreciatetheirparents’willingnesstoconsidertheirneeds,andviceversa.

PRiNCiPlE Xv:When conflicts are resolved so nobody loses, the relationship deepens.

parentshavealsoreportedmarkedchangesintheirchildrenaftertheno-loseMethodbecameestablishedintheirhomes:improvedgradesatschool,fewertearsandtempertantrums,betterrelationshipswiththeirpeers,moreresponsibilityabouthomeworkandchores,moreself-confidence, a happier disposition, lessaggressionandhyperactivity,andfewersicknesses.

A CREdo

thephilosophyunderlyingalloftheprinciplesthathavebeensuggestedforparentingcanbeexpressedintheformofacredothat’sshownbelow.

A Credo For My Relationships

youandiareinarelationshipwhichivalueandwanttokeep.wearealsotwoseparatepersonswithourownindividualvaluesandneeds.

sothatwewillbetterknowandunderstandwhateachofusvaluesandneeds,letusalwaysbeopenandhonestinourcommunication.

whenyouareexperiencingaprobleminyourlife,iwilltrytolistenwithgenuineacceptanceandunderstandingin order to help you find your own solutions rather thanimposingmine.andiwantyoutobealistenerforme when I need to find solutions to my problems.

atthosetimeswhenyourbehaviorinterfereswithwhatimustdotogetmyownneedsmet,iwilltellyouopenlyandhonestlyhowyourbehavioraffectsme,trustingthatyourespectmyneedsandfeelingsenoughtotrytochangethebehaviorthatisunacceptabletome.also,wheneversomebehaviorofmineis

unacceptabletoyou,ihopeyouwilltellmeopenlyandhonestlysoicantrytochangemybehavior.

And when we experience conflicts in our relationship, let us agree to resolve each conflict without either of usresortingtotheuseofpowertowinattheexpenseoftheother’slosing.irespectyourneeds,butialsomustrespectmyown.soletusalwaysstrivetosearchforasolutionthatwillbeacceptabletobothofus.yourneedswillbemet,andsowillmine—neitherwilllose,bothwillwin.

inthisway,youcancontinuetodevelopasapersonthroughsatisfyingyourneeds,andsocani.thus,ourscanbeahealthyrelationshipinwhichbothofuscanstrivetobecomewhatwearecapableofbeing.andwecancontinuetorelatetoeachotherwithmutualrespect,loveandpeace.

-----thomasGordon,ph.d.,Founder©�9�8Gordontraininginternational

“There is a way of taking power struggles out of

family conflicts.”

�� whateveryparentshouldknow ©GordontraininGinternational

AbouT goRdoN TRAiNiNg iNTERNATioNAl

Gtiisdedicatedtoteachingtheessentialskillspeopleneedtocommunicateeffectivelyandtoresolve conflicts so no one loses. This model has universalappeal—since�9��,over�½millionpeoplein�0countrieshavelearnedtheGordonModelthroughourbooksandcourses.

AbouT ouR FouNdER,dR. ThoMAs goRdoNGtiwasfoundedin�9��bythree-timenobelpeaceprizenomineeandaward-winningpsychologist,dr.thomasGordon.hewasthebest-sellingauthorofeightbooksthatinclude:

Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) Leader Effectiveness Training (L.E.T.) Teacher Effectiveness Training (T.E.T.) P.E.T. in Action Sales Effectiveness Training Discipline That Works Making the Patient Your Partner Good Relationships: What Makes Them, What

Breaks Them

To lEARN MoRE AbouT ThEsE PARENTiNg skills

�. readdr.Gordon’sParent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) book.it’savailableinbookstoresandthroughouron-linestoreat

www.gordontraining.com/store.

�. participateinthevideo-basedp.e.t.calledFamily Effectiveness Training (F.E.T).youcanlearntheseskillsonyourowntimeinyourownhomeonyourownorwithaspouse,friendand/orteenagechild.theF.e.t.programincludesacomprehensiveworkbookfilled with exercises andshortarticles.itisalsoavailablethroughouron-linestoreat

www.gordontraining.com/store.

Please contact us for more information at:

Gordontraininginternational���stevensavenuewestsolanaBeach,Ca9�0��usatel:800.��8.��9�;8�8.�8�.8���Fax:8�8.�8�.8���e-mail:family@gordontraining.comweb:www.gordontraining.com