top 99 funny quotes by zuhapps (you don't want to miss)
Post on 22-Jan-2017
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Top 99Funny Quotes
By zuHapps
Download Funny Quotes
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1
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.
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2
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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3
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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4
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
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5
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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6
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
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7
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
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8
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
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9
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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10
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
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11
• Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
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12
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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13
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
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14
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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15
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
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16
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.
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17
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
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18
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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19
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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20
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
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21
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
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22
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
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23
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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24
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
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25
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
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26
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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27
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
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28
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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29
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On
my desk, I have a work station..
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30
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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31
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
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32
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
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33
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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34
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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35
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
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36
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
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37
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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38
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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39
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
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40
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
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41
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
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42
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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43
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
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44
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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45
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
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46
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
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47
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
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48
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't
beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
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49
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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50
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
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51
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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52
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
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53
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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54
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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55
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
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56
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
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57
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
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58
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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59
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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60
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
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61
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
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62
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
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63
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish
they were.
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64
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
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65
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
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67
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
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68
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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69
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
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70
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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71
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
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72
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
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73
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He
said okay, you're ugly too.
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74
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
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75
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
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76
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
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77
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
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78
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
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79
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a
shot of tequila.
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80
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
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81
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.
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82
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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83
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
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84
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.
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85
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and
there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
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86
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
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87
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
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88
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
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89
With sufficient thrust,
pigs fly just fine.
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90
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the
target.
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91
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
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92
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.
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93
A TV can insult your intelligence,
but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
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93
If winning isn't everything
why do they keep score?
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94
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
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95
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you!
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96
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast
when you are after it as when you are in it.
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97
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
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98
Whoever coined the phrase
"Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
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