the five stages of grief

The Five Stages Of Grief

Denial

This is the first stage of grief, the stage

when the impact of the loss hasn’t

really sunk in.

You wonder if you’ve just been

imagining those symptoms, or that the

doctor has made a mistake, or that

your significant other is just making a

bad joke about leaving you.

“This can’t be happening!” is a good

way of summarising this stage. This

stage never lasts long.

Anger

We are outraged and furious that such

a thing could happen, especially to us.

We look for the cause or something to

blame and demand that the problem be

fixed (sometimes, we blame ourselves

and get angry at ourselves).

“It’s not fair! Why me? Why is this

happening?” are frequent phrases said

by people in this stage.

During this stage, it is important to

release the anger, but we have to be

careful not to express it in harmful

ways.

Again, writing things down is a time-

honoured method of expressing it.

An excellent example of someone – or,

rather, two people – going through this

stage is found in Dylan Thomas’s

poem “Do Not Go Gentle Into That

Good Night”, where the poet tells his

dying father that “Old age should burn

and rave at close of day;/ Rage, rage

against the dying of the light.”

Read this poem aloud – it might help.

Or use physical activity as an outlet,

even if all you can do is punch a pillow.

Bargaining

Here, people try to focus on what they

can do to change the outcome

(needless to say, this stage doesn’t last

long if you have lost a loved one to

death or if you have lost your home to

a natural disaster).

You try to make a deal that will stave

off an impending loss.

In the case of divorce or redundancy,

this bargaining sometimes does reverse

the inevitable, but it doesn’t always.

Depression.

This isn’t the same as clinical

depression, although it can lead to it.

This is by far the most uncomfortable

stage of the grief process and involves

withdrawal, crying, lack of appetite,

listlessness and silence.

Two things are important to remember

if you are going through this stage or

know someone who is.

The first is that this stage is necessary

and you should not hurry through it

but let it proceed at its own pace and

resolve naturally.

The second is that you shouldn’t try to

cheer up a person going through this

stage.

It’s awkward and onlookers often feel

that they don’t have the right words to

say.

However, words are often not

necessary – just being there silently

really helps a lot of the time.

Acceptance

Here, people come to terms with their

situation and realise that they will be

able to get through whatever it is and

that everything will be well.

This is where you face the truth and

accept it, and prepare to move on.

Of course, not everyone goes through

the stages at the same pace, and how

the stages will be expressed will differ

from person to person.

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