the colors - children's hospital colorado | children's hospital colorado · in the midst...

The colors

A guide for parents/guardians in the hours and days following a child’s death

2

Right now, you may feel shocked, devastated, immensely sad, and numb, among

many other things. In the midst of your grief, figuring out the immediate next

steps may overwhelm you. Below, find a checklist of practical matters that need

attention. Remember: you do not have to do all or any of this alone. Ask for help;

share with friends and family who can support you during this time.

1

Chooseafuneralhomeorhospitalplacement.Tofindafuneralhome,contact

yoursocialworkerorbereavementcoordinator,oraskfamilyandfriendsfor

recommendations.Familiesoftenchooseafuneralhometheyalreadyknow.

Informahospitalstaffpersonofthefuneralhomeorotheroptionyouhavechosen.

Theywillunderstandifyoucannotmakeadecisionimmediately.Whenyouhavemade

adecision,call720-777-6442.Ifthisisacoroner’scase,contacttheAdamsCounty

Coronerat303-659-1027.

Surroundyourselfwithlovingpeoplewholetyoubeyourself.

Takethetimeyouneedtobewithyourlovedone.Afteryou’vesaidyourgoodbyes,

staffwillarrangeforthefuneralhometotransferyourlovedone(ortheywillhelpwith

otherarrangements).

WHAT TO DO THE

first day

“�If�you�have�difficulty�looking�at�your�child’s�

possessions,�close�his�or�her�door�or�have�

someone�pack�and�store�them�for�you.��

Do�not�make�any�major�decisions�about��

their�things�until�a�later�date.”�

2

Chooseafuneralhomeorhospitalplacement.Tofindafuneralhome,contact

yoursocialworkerorbereavementcoordinator,oraskfamilyandfriendsfor

recommendations.Familiesoftenchooseafuneralhometheyalreadyknow.

Informahospitalstaffpersonofthefuneralhomeorotheroptionyouhavechosen.

Theywillunderstandifyoucannotmakeadecisionimmediately.Whenyouhavemade

adecision,call720-777-6442.Ifthisisacoroner’scase,contacttheAdamsCounty

Coronerat303-659-1027.

Surroundyourselfwithlovingpeoplewholetyoubeyourself.

Takethetimeyouneedtobewithyourlovedone.Afteryou’vesaidyourgoodbyes,

staffwillarrangeforthefuneralhometotransferyourlovedone(ortheywillhelpwith

otherarrangements).

Makearrangementsfortheservice,gathering,finalrestingplaceandothermatters.

Yourfuneraldirectororreligiousadvisorwillguideyouthroughthesedecisions.

Makealistofimmediatefamily,closefriends,andemployerorbusiness

colleagues.Notifyeachbyphoneorasksomeonetohelpyou

makethesecalls.

Arrangeforfamilymembersorclosefriendstoanswer

thedoor,phoneoremails,andtokeeprecordsofcalls,

visits,anditemsdelivered/received.

Arrangecareforthechild’spets,ifthereareany.

Makesuretoplanmealsforthenextfewdays.Havea

friendorfamilymemberstepintohelpcoordinateand/

ormakefood.

Considerspecialneedsofthehousehold,suchascleaning,

payingbills,cooking,andotherthings;askafriendtohelp.

“Have�a�level-headed�advocate�

(friend�or�family�member)�help�

you�with�funeral�arrangements.�

This�person�will�be�more��

clear�minded.”

WHAT TO DO IN THE

first week

3

Writetheobituary.Includeage,placeofbirth,school,andalistofsurvivors

intheimmediatefamily.Besuretoincludethetimeandplaceoftheservice(s).Ifyou’d

like,youmayalsoincludepersonalinformation,suchasthingsheorsheenjoyed.Itis

okaytoasksomeoneelsetohelpwritethis.

Ifyoudonotwantflowers,decideontheappropriatememorialtowhichgiftsmaybe

made,suchasaschoolorcharity.

Arrangehospitalityforvisitingrelativesandfriends.Again,itisokaytoaskafriendor

familymembertohelp.

Selectpallbearersandnotifythem(ifyouarehavingafuneralwithacasket).

Preparecontentforprintedprogramsforservices,ifyouare

havingaserviceandifyouwouldlikeaprogram.

Ifthereareflowers,planfortheirplacementaftertheservice(s).

Youcouldgivethemtoahospital,resthome,tofamily;

anywhereyouwouldliketodonatethemisfine.

Sendthank-youcards.Youmaywanttothankthosewho

helpedwitharrangements,sentflowers,offeredsupport,etc.

Itishelpfultomakealistofthoseyouwouldliketothankand

haveafriendhelpwriteandsendthecards.

“Just�pick�a�time�for�the�

memorial�service�or�funeral.�

Try�not�to�worry�about�

accommodating�everyone�

else’s�schedule.”

“�Writing�thank-you�notes�is�great�for�understanding�

that�you�are�not�alone.�It�helps�you�recognize�

how�many�people�care.�However,�if�you�feel�

overwhelmed,�have�someone�help�you�and�then�

you�can�focus�on�doing�the�special�notes.”�

4

What you might be feeling:

Youmayfeelstunnedoneminute,andthenangry,panicked,ordistressedthenext.

Youmayfinditdifficulttomakedecisionsandconcentrate.Maybeyoufeelthisisalla

dreamorthatit’snotreallyhappening.Maybeyoucryuncontrollably,stareintospace,

orfeeloutofcontrol.

Is this normal? What is normal?

oo Allemotionsareacceptable,andallarequitenormal.Eachpersongrieves

inhisorherownway.

oo Cryingisahealthyexpressionofgrief;cryfreely.

oo Notcryingisalsookay;feelingnumbisalsonormal.

oo Physicalreactionstothedeathofachildmayincludelossofappetiteorovereating,

sleeplessness,anxiety,lossofconcentration,andsexualdifficulties.

oo Theshockandnumbnessaremostintenseduringthe

firsttwoweeks.Grieflastsmuchlongerthanpeople

usuallyassume.

ABOUT WHAT’S HAPPENING TO YOU

right now

“�Do�not�be�afraid�of�asking�‘dumb�

questions.’�You�may�never�have�had�to�

arrange�a�funeral�until�now.”

5

Take care of yourself.

oo Bepatientwithyourself.

oo Eatabalanceddiet.

oo Rest.

oo Trytogetmoderateexercise.

oo Avoiddrugsandalcohol.

oo Usemedicinesparingly(andonlyunderthesupervisionofyourhealthcare

provider).Sometimesmedicinecanstopordelaythenecessarygrievingprocess.

oo Ifpossible,delayanymajordecisions(e.g.changingresidence,changingjob)

duringthistime.

oo Avoidmakinghastydecisionsaboutyourchild’sbelongings.

oo Letyourfriendsandrelativesknowhowtheycansupportyou(youcanalsogive

themtheenclosedbooklet).Thoughtheywanttoeaseyourpain,theymayfeel

uncomfortablebecausetheydon’tknowhow.

Things to remember

oo Allowyourselftofeeleverything.

oo Talk,write,orsingabouthowyouarefeeling–itwillhelpbeginyourhealing.

oo Allowotherstohelpyou,becauseithelpsbothyouandthem.

oo Youknowhowtotakecareofyourselfbetterthananyone.

oo Sometimesitmakessensetoactunpredictablyorunconventionally.

oo Youownyourgrief.Nooneelsecantellyouhowtofeeloract.

oo Atimeoflosscanbeatimeofrecovery.

oo Notallquestionshaveanswers,butthey’reworthasking.

oo Yougettochoosehowyourespondtothisloss.

oo Thislosswillshapeyoursoullikenothingelseeverwill.

oo Sometimesalosswillbringupanyotherlossyou’veexperienced.

oo Losingachildmightalsomeanlosingyourhopes/expectationsforthefuture.

“Don’t�be�surprised��

if�you�forget�details�and�

are�caught�off�guard.��

You�have�a�lot�on�your�

mind;�be�kind�to�yourself.”�

6

HOW GRIEF AFFECTS CHILDREN

Youmayhaveotherchildreninyourlifewhoaregrieving.Whentalkingto

childrenaboutdeath,remember:

Somechildrenunderstandthefinalityofdeathbetterthanothers.Tailoryour

languagetothechild’slevel.

Useawarmandgentletone.Establisheyecontactandgetonthechild’slevel

whentalkingtohimorher.Taketimetolistenandaskabouttheirconcerns.

Encouragethemtoaskquestions.Childrenmaynothaveanimmediateorobvious

responsetolearningthatalovedonehasdied.Theymaytaketimetoprocessand

repeatthesamequestionoverandoveragain.Thisrepetitionis

normalandhelpsthemtobeginunderstandingwhatdeath

means.

Childrentendtothinkinsimpleterms.Usedirect

languagelike“died”and“dead.”Avoidusingterms

suchas“wenttosleepandneverwokeup,”or“we

losther.”

Allowyourchildtoparticipateinthefuneral/

memorialiftheywant,butdonotforcethem.

Preparethembydiscussingwhatthefuneralmight

belike.Talkaboutwhowillbethere,wherethebody

willbeduringtheceremonyorviewing,andwhat

kindsofemotionalreactionspeoplemayhave.

Behonest.Expressyourownfeelingsaboutdeath.Itisokayto

cryinfrontofchildren–thisshowsthemhowtheycanexpresstheirgrief.

Notallchildrenhaveimmediateorobviousreactionsafterlearningalovedone

hasdied.Griefisaprocessthattakestime.Bepatientandavailableasthey

processwhatthedeathmeanstothem.

Therearepeopleinthecommunitywhocanhelp.Ifyouareworriedaboutachild

inyourlife,contacttheBereavementCoordinatoratChildren’sHospitalColorado

oralocalmentalhealthprofessional.

“If�you�have�school-aged�

children,�don’t�forget�to�call��

the�school�and�let�them�know�

the�circumstances.”

7

MAKING ARRANGEMENTS

Whenitcomestosayinggoodbyeandfindingarestingplaceforyourchild,you

havemanychoicesandconsiderations.Yourfuneraldirectororreligiousadvisorcan

helpyoumakedecisionsabouttheservice,holdingaviewing,havingagathering,

yourchild’sfinalrestingplaceandcanhelpansweranyotherquestions.Theyare

experiencedinguidingpeoplethroughthisprocess;however,ifyoufeeltheyare

notaddressingyourconcerns,callyoursocialworkerorChildren’sColorado’s

BereavementCoordinator.

Considerations:

Takeyourtime.Therearefewreasonstohurrywhenmakingfinalarrangements

foryourchild.

Bringalongatrustedrelativeorfriendwhenmakingarrangements.

Considertalkingtoareligiousleaderand/oralocalfuneraldirector,evenifyou

plantogooutofstate.

Askfuneraldirectorsabouttheircosts,andhowthefuneralhomeapproaches

careforachild.Itisimportantthatthefuneralhomeissensitivetoyourwishes.

Inthecaseofababyorchilddeath,manyfuneralhomesandcemeterieswill

providereducedrates.

Askfuneralhomesandcemeteriesaboutuniqueservicestheymayofferto

familieswhohavehadachilddie(e.g.balloonreleaseordoverelease).

Somemortuariespromotefamilyinvolvement,

likeparentsandfamilymembersseeingtheir

childatthefuneralhome,andperhaps

evendressingandholding

theirchild.

“�Do�not�be�afraid�to�ask�for�help.�

People�really�want�to�help.”

8

If you live far away

Ifyouarecomfortablewithafuneraldirectorinyourhometown,contactthem.It

maystillbeagoodideatocontactalocalfuneraldirectorforassistanceevenif

youplantotakeyourchildtoyourhometownoroutofstate.

Ifyouchooseburialinanotherstate,alocalfuneralhomewillneedtoembalm

yourchild’sbody(inmostcases).Embalmingisaprocessthathelpspreservethe

body.Thefuneraldirectorinyourhomestatecanmakethosearrangementsfor

youwithalocalfuneraldirector.

Ifyouchoosecremation,andyoudonotwishtohaveaviewinginyourhome

state,choosinglocalcremationmakestransportationeasier.

Financial Resources

Thefuneraldirectorcanhelpfilepaperworkforpaymentsource(s)if/whenapplicable.

Possibleopaymentosources,oifoyourochildoqualifies:o

Medicaid:ifthechildreceivedMedicaid,contactthecounty’sDepartment

ofHumanServiceswherethechildresided.Youmayneedtomeetwitha

departmentrepresentativewhowillfurnishyouwithaletterauthorizingfunding.

Veteran’sobenefits:ifatleastoneparentservedinthe

military,theremaybefinancialassistanceavailable,

andthechildmaybepermittedtobeburiedina

militarycemetery.Visitcem.va.gov.

Victimsoassistance:ifthechildwasthe

victimofacrime,contacttheCrime

Victim’sCompensationFundintheDistrict

Attorney’sOfficeofthecountywherethe

incidentoccurred.Usuallyalocalfuneral

homecandothisforyou.

“�Have�a�family�member�or�friend�organize�the�

after�funeral�get�together�at�your�home,�church,�

funeral�home�or�other�location.�A�reception�is�a�

good�time�to�share�in�a�less�formal�setting.”�

“When�shopping�for�

a�headstone,�don’t�be�

afraid�to�shop�around.�

Costs�vary�dramatically��

at�different�stores.”

9

“Dry�some�of��

the�flowers�from�

the�funeral�to�

make�wreaths.”

“You�do�not�have�

to�spend�a�lot�of�

money�to�show�

you�love�your�

child.”

Autopsy Information

Incertainsituations,acoronerisinvolvedandthey

musthaveanautopsy;thereisnochoice.Some

familieschoosetohaveanautopsy.

Anautopsyisaprocedureinwhichatrainedspecialist

willcarefullyexamineyourchild’sbodytohelpdetermine

thecauseofdeath.Theremaybeimportantinformationto

learnaboutyourchild’sdeaththatmaybehelpfultoyou,orto

otherchildrenwho,inthefuture,havethesameillnessorcondition.

ThelawsoftheStateofColoradorequirethatanypatientwhodiesinahospital

within24hoursofadmissionmusthaveanautopsy.Thisisreferredtoasa

“coroner’scase”or“medicalexaminer’scase.”Theremayalsobeotherreasons

whythecountycoroner/medicalexaminerrequiresanautopsy.However,many

timespermissionforanautopsyisyourstogive.

ThereisnochargetothefamilyifthecoronerormedicalexaminerorChildren’s

Coloradoperformstheautopsy.

Havinganautopsyshouldnotdelayarrangementsforyourchild,althoughitmay

beadayortwo,dependingonthecircumstances.

Itgenerallytakesthreemonthstocompletetheautopsyreport.

Yourchild’sattendingphysicianwillreceivethereport;whenyou

areready,askthephysiciantoreviewthoseresults

withyou,ifyou’dlike.

10

Bereavedparentssharetheirthoughtsandwishesaboutwhathashappenedandhow

friendsandfamilycansupportthem.

Iwishmychildhadn’tdied.

Don’tbeafraidtospeakmychild’sname.Mychildlivedandwasveryimportantto

me.Ineedtohearthatmychildwasimportanttoyoutoo.

Youwon’thurtmeifIbecomeemotionalwhenyoutalkaboutmychild.Icry

becausemychilddied.Youhavetalkedaboutmychild,andyouhaveallowedme

tosharemygrief.Ithankyouforboth.

Ithurtsmewhenyouremovemychild’spictures,artwork,orotherremembrances

fromyourhome.

Don’tshyawayfromme.Ineedyounowmorethanever.

Allowmetotalkaboutmychild,

evenifitseemslikeit’stoomuch.

Ineeddiversions,soIdowantto

hearaboutyou;butIalsowant

youtohearaboutme.

A BEREAVED PARENT’S

wish list

“�Have�someone�stay�at�your�home�during�

the�service�and�funeral.�This�person�can�

answer�the�phone�calls�and�make�sure�

everything�stays�safe�at�the�home.”�

11

Letmeknowaboutthetimesyouthinkandprayforme.

Tellmehowmychild’sdeathhasaffectedyou.

Don’texpectmygrieftobeoverinsixmonths;mygriefwillneverbeover.Iwill

foreverlivewiththedeathofmychild.

Don’texpectmeto“notthinkaboutit”orto“behappy.”Neitherwillhappenfora

verylongtime.

Mylifehasshattered.IknowitismiserableforyoutobearoundmewhenI’m

feelingmiserable.PleasebeaspatientwithmeasIamwithyou.

Myexpressionsofgriefarenormal.Depression,anger,frustration,hopelessness,

andoverwhelmingsadnessaresomeofthemanyemotionstoexpect.So,please

excusemewhenI’mquietandwithdrawnorirritableandcranky.

TakingthingsonehouratatimeisallIcanhandlerightnow.

ExcusemeifIseemrude–itisnotmyintent.Sometimestheworldaroundme

goestoofastandIreact.WhenIwalkaway,letmefindaquietplacetospend

timealone.

IamnotthesamepersonIwasbeforemychilddied,andIwillneverbethat

personagain.

Ihopeyouneverhavetogothroughthisexperience.

Reactingtodeathremindspeopleoftheirowndeath.Beawareofhowthismakes

youfeelaboutyourimmortality.Sometimespeopledon’tacknowledgethat,andit

leadstothoughtlessorinsensitiveremarksthatcanreallyhurt.

“Decide�if�you�

would�like�donations�

made�to�a�charity�

organization�in�your�

child’s�name.”

The�Colors�of�Healing�Bereavement�Program�is�always�

available�to�provide�support�for�you�and�your�family.

Please�let�the�Bereavement�Coordinator�know��

if�you�have�any�questions,�needs,�or�concerns�that�

need�attention.�Children’s�Colorado�wishes�you�peace,�

comfort,�and�healing�during�this�difficult�time.�

Anschutz Medical Campus13123 East 16th AvenueAurora, Colorado 80045

childrenscolorado.org