susan c - coming out of the hoarding closet

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Coming Out of theHoarding Closet:

Accepting Ourselves and Accepting Help

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What fears do you have about others knowing your “secret?”

Examples: afraid I’ll be looked down upon… people won’t understand what I’m struggling with... embarrassed I can’t keep my living space clean and clear like a “normal” person… worried others will force me to do things I’m not comfortable with….

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How does keeping your “secret”affect you?

Examples: living a “double life” exhausts me… isolates me socially… prevents me from getting potential help and support… I feel lonely and hopeless….

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SHAME The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing

that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

Keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us.

Corrodes the part of us that believes we can change and do better.

From Brené Brown – The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

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What we present to theoutside world…

We want to be able control what other people think about us so we can feel “good enough.”

We expend a lot of energy to make everything look OK on the outside.

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What we feel within ourselves…

Great disparity between our public outside self and our secret inside self(like we’re two different people)

Not being true to them OR to ourselves

The more we do to hide our secret the bigger that gap the harder it is to come out and share the truth

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When we’re in shame mode:

We focus on our FLAWS

We think we’re the only one with this problem.

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I connected with others who struggle with Hoarding Disorder…

Turns out I’m not the only person who has a hard time throwing out a garbage bag if it isn’t full.

And I’m not the only person who has opinions about round vs. square cookie tins!

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Online Forums

A safe place to engage with others who understand and share struggles with hoarding issues

Even if you don’t feel comfortable posting… read what others share

Members encourage each other to keep pushing forward!

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We feel like we’ll only be worthyonce our home is uncluttered…

… that our disorder makes us unworthy of being loved and accepted.

The challenge is to believe that we are worthy right now.

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Being Compassionate With Ourselves

We need to accept ourselves (including our imperfections) in order to accept help from others.

It’s not uncommon to feel anger with ourselves over our hoarding issues. “I got myself into this mess. It’s up to me to get out of it.”

Self-compassion is essential to self-acceptance.

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This disorder is only aportion of who we are!

Each of us is more than just our hoarding.

Don’t forget the good things you have to offer!

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Positive things I have to offer:

Examples: I’m creative… I excel at writing… I’m innovative… I can build/fix things… I’m compassionate…I can sew… I’m a great cook… people say I’m funny… I’m thoughtful… I’m good at my job….

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Incentives to Come Out of the Hoarding Closet:

Less isolation and loneliness

Relieve some of the stress of living a “double life”

Easier to maintain social connections without dreading the possibility of friends “finding out”

Open ourselves to the possibility of help from others

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Shame Loves Secrecy

The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

Shame loses its power when it is spoken.

From Brené Brown – The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

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We can’t tell just anyone. Exposing a part of ourselves that we’ve probably kept

hidden for years is a scary thing to do.

Puts us in a vulnerable position.

Needs to be someone capable of responding with compassion and empathy.

Your positive qualities you listed earlier? Consider people who have acknowledged those qualities in you.

Not everyone will respond the way you anticipate.

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Receiving Help from Others Many of us are willing to extend a hand to others, but

we’re reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves.

Many of us have been trying to deal with this alone. We’re not accustomed to accepting help, so it will take some getting used to.

Assess your situation and identify ways in which you could use support / help.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

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Help Them Help You

Most likely, they don’t know much about Hoarding Disorder.

They might only know what they’ve seen on TV shows.

Try to educate them the best you can.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

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How can others help you? It takes an incredible amount of patience to assist with

deciding what goes – especially if they’re not familiar with the complexity of Hoarding Disorder.

Ultimately, I need to be the one to change my relationship with objects and decide what to let go.

From my personal experience, it’s less frustrating for everyone involved if I decide what goes and they(non-professionals) help me in other ways.

Everyone’s situation is unique. Think about how what kind of help you need.

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How friends have helped me: I live alone, so there’s one friend I check in with daily.

This friend also invites me to bring a box of items to his house to sort through. He doesn’t sort with me. But I get away from the distractions of my home, I feel less lonely, and we have lunch together

Another friend took a stack of mail order catalogs and contacted each company to remove me from the mailing list.

A friend who’s good at selling on ebay has listed items for me.

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How friends have helped me: Friends who are Costco members pick up essentials for me.

My neighbors invited me to piggyback on their yard sale.

My neighbors/friends lend me items for short-term use so I don’t need to buy and add to my clutter (e.g., ice chest, tools).

Another friend put me in touch with a Hoarding Disorder researcher.

Instead of giving me material gifts for my birthday, my friends take me out for coffee or a meal (and nature takes care of the disposal!)

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Other ways people could help:

Physical help lifting / moving / loading things

After you’ve sorted items, having someone take things to their destinations (e.g., the dump, charity, hazardous material disposal)

Help with organizing what you’ve decided to keep

Assisting with something that doesn’t have to do with hoarding but clears some time and energy for you to tackle what only you can (i.e., decision making)

Companionship or a phone call “just because”

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Vocalizing my thoughts:

YouTube channelhttps://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwVPM0IiGyind1uwtXAInTg

Making videos about my struggles with Hoarding Disorder has helped me process and re-evaluate my thoughts and beliefs about possessions.

It also forces me to clean up my kitchen counters on a fairly regular basis!

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Remember:

Even if you feel like you’re the only one…

… you’re not!