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Revising Graduate-Level Writing

An Expanding Horizons workshop

with

Dr. Deanna Mason

Student Academic Success Services:

The Writing Centre

By the end of this workshop, you will be able to:

Recognize and differentiate between HOCs and

LOCs in order to revise more efficiently

Select and apply specific revising strategies in order to

respond to comments on your writing and manage

the amount of time you devote to revising

Workshop overview

Thinking about revision

Revising for ourselves

◦ Higher Order Concerns

◦ Lower Order Concerns

Revising in response to comments

Knowing when to stop

How do you feel about the

process of revision?

Strongly Somewhat Neutral Somewhat Strongly

negative negative positive positive

The fundamentals of revision

Literally, re-seeing

A necessary and completely normal part

of the writing process

Prewriting Writing Re-writing

Done, ideally, after time away from

writing

Re-thinking revising

“When you revise, imagine yourself as a

reader, instead of the writer, and ask

yourself, ‘Does this make sense to me?’ But

you are a very privileged reader, because if

you don’t like what you see or hear you can

change it.”

Joan Bolker, Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day (118)

What kind of reviser are you?

Do you

revise as you write?

wait until you’ve reached the end of a

draft?

Is there a best practice in revising?

YES!!!

Most writing experts agree that revision is a separate process from writing and should

occur after a draft is complete.

“Revising while you generate text is like drinking decaffeinated coffee in the early morning:

noble idea, wrong time.” Paul J. Silvia, How to Write a Lot (76)

REVISING FOR OURSELVES

Bring fresh eyes to your work.

2. Print out a hard copy – don’t just edit on screen.

1. Refresh your brain. Put the paper aside for some time.

3. Read your paper aloud— your mouth and ears will pick up different things.

Starting to revise

Your #1 strategy:

Separate

Higher Order Concerns (HOCs)

from

Lower Order Concerns (LOCs).

HOCs vs. LOCs

What is a HOC?

Strength & coherence

of the argument

Organization & length

of paragraphs

Appropriate level of

detail in discussion

Incorporation & use of

evidence

What is a LOC?

Length & variety of

sentences

Repetition

Grammatical concerns

(e.g., commas)

Wordiness & awkward

phrasing

Formatting & citations

Your #2 strategy:

Your next step . . .

Save time by

starting

with HOCs.

Purpose and audience

Put yourself in your reader’s place.

What does he or she

◦ know already?

◦ want to know?

◦ need to know?

Will your reader

◦ raise counterarguments?

◦ have biases?

◦ know something that you need to engage with?

Focus

Be sure that your argument/point is

explicitly stated near the start of your

draft.

◦ Especially if it’s complicated!

Organization and paragraphing

Readers appreciate signposts.

◦ Whether a topic sentence in a paragraph or a

sub-heading for a section

What is the point of this paragraph?

All living creatures manage some form of communication.

The dance patterns of bees in their hive help to point the way to distant flower fields or announce successful foraging. Male stickleback fish regularly swim upside-down to indicate outrage in a courtship contest. Male deer and lemurs mark territorial ownership by rubbing their own body secretions on boundary stones or trees. And frightened dogs often place their tails between their legs and run in panic. We, too, use gestures, expressions, postures, and movement to give our words point.

--Olivia Vlahos, Human Beginnings

Paragraph length

Not shorter than 5 lines

Not more than 3/4 of a double-spaced

page

Ideally between 1/3 and 3/4 of a double-

spaced page

Paragraph proportion What

(the point)

The main idea to be

discussed (best

introduced in a topic

sentence, the

introductory sentence

of your paragraph)

1-2 sentences

How (the proof) The evidence used to

substantiate the point or

back up the argument:

examples, paraphrases,

summaries, etc.

2-4 sentences

Why (the comment) Commentary outlining the

significance or implications

of the preceding material

Your explanation of how

and why these ideas fit

together: relationships,

contrasts, conclusions,

implications, etc.

2-4 sentences

Logical order of ideas

Some strategies

Turn your draft into a chart.

◦ Works best for short sections

Create a reverse outline.

◦ Condenses material to 1-2 pages

◦ Highlights problems quickly

Reduce each paragraph to a single sentence.

◦ Be brutally honest with yourself.

◦ Number the sentences.

And when the organization just

doesn’t work?

Develop an alternative organization.

◦ Try to think of alternative headings and subheadings to divide the chapter into.

◦ Place numbered sentences under those headings in a new order.

◦ Cut and paste the paragraphs into a new file, leaving spaces between them.

◦ Print the new version, and make notes about connections/transitions as you read.

◦ Decide which version works better—the original or the alternative plan.

Adapted from Patrick Dunleavy, Authoring a PhD (144-147)

Activity: writing by example

Spend the next 5-7 minutes skimming the writing sample you brought with you.

Why do you like it? What elements listed on the handout does it do well?

Jot your answers down in a list.

Choose 2-3 elements you think are the most important or effective, and record them on a Post-it note.

Your goal

The next time you revise your

own work, pay particular

attention to the 2-3 areas listed

on your Post-it note.

Your #3 strategy:

Once you’re satisfied with

the HOCs, move on to

the LOCs.

Common LOC #1:

long sentences

◦ Find long sentences by reading aloud.

◦ Look for sentences longer than 20 words.

◦ Look for sentences that extend over

several lines.

Sentence variety Long sentences boredom & confusion

◦ Look for a place to split them into 2 or 3.

◦ Highlight the main ideas in shorter sentences.

Short sentences choppiness, ideas sounding too simple

◦ Use subordination.

Words like although, because, if, since, while

Puts more emphasis on the idea in the main part of the sentence

For more detail, go to

owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/573/03/

Common LOC #2: wordiness

Look for unnecessary words and phrases.

Wordy: Three out of five women who raise families on their own without the help of spouses or partners struggle to achieve an acceptable level of subsistence, in effect living below what is designated in Canada as the official “poverty line.” (40 words)

Concise: Three out of five single mothers live in poverty. (9 words)

Common LOC #3: pretentious diction

Scintillate, scintillate, globule aurific,

Fain would I fathom thy nature specific,

Loftily poised in the ether capacious,

Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.

Robert Barrass, Scientists Must Write (60)

Use plain language!

Proofreading: the last step

Are there typos, misspellings, or missing

words?

Are there mistakes from cutting and pasting?

Is the documentation consistent?

Are figures and tables formatted

consistently?

REVISING IN RESPONSE TO COMMENTS

How not to feel like this:

Start with what you feel most

comfortable doing.

◦ Even LOCs rather than HOCs

Delete comments as you deal with them.

Remember: you don’t have to make every

suggested change.

Dealing with common feedback*

Unclear argument / Vague point / Position unclear

What it means: Reader is having a hard time identifying the central point.

How to revise:

1) Ask questions.—Does the evidence support your point?

2) Reread your entire draft.—The point may be more clearly articulated in the middle or at the end.

3) Reframe your argument.—Your point could be the answer to a question you pose or the resolution of a problem you identify.

This and the following four slides are adapted from Diana Hacker and Nancy

Sommers, A Canadian Writer’s Reference (23-27).

Develop more. /

Give examples. / Explain. What it means: The draft may stop short of providing a fully

detailed discussion of your idea.

How to revise:

1) Discuss the section with another reader (supervisor,

Writing Centre consultant, friend, family member). Ask

him or her what additional background information,

examples, or evidence is needed. Ask if your point is clear.

2) Keep your larger purpose in mind—Use the

what/how/why paragraph structure to bring discussion

back to your main point.

Be specific. / Needs more proof /

Evidence? What it means: Additional detail or discussion is needed to

strengthen your point.

How to revise:

1) Ask questions—Have you provided the right kind and

amount of evidence to persuade readers?

2) Interpret your evidence.—Details and examples don’t

speak for themselves; show readers how evidence fits into

your argument.

Consider opposing viewpoints. / What about Scholar X? / Counterargument?

What it means: The draft should recognize and respond to possible objections to your argument.

How to revise:

1) Identify areas of contention in the literature.—Where do the main disagreements lie?

2) Respond explicitly to them in the draft.—Use phrases like “Some readers might point out that . . .” or “Critics of this view argue that . . . .”

3) (possibly) Reconsider your main point.—If these objections are strong, you may need to respond to them more centrally in the chapter.

Two points at once / Unfocused / Hard to follow

What it means: Readers are having difficulty following the argument because it’s tackling too much at once.

How to revise:

1) Scrutinize the paragraphs in this section.—Does each address just one idea? If not, separate them.

2) Revisit the topic sentence of each paragraph.—Does it articulate that paragraph’s single central point?

KNOWING WHEN TO

Gaining perspective

Satisfactory

product

Resources, other

obligations

Your writing ≠ you as a person

Aim for the latest word, not the last word.

Writing reflects your knowledge and ideas at a specific point in time–and that’s enough.

Set a specific goal for your revisions—a section or a certain number of comments at each sitting.

Set a limited amount of time in which to revise.

Remember that a draft will never be perfect, and that’s okay.

How the Writing Centre

supports

graduate student writing

Check out our

website:

sass.queensu.ca/

writingcentre/

graduate/

Call us for a free one-

to-one appointment:

613.533.6315

Make an appointment

in person:

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