rafe nauen - rafe's field guide to constellation sentences (family constellation)
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RAFE’S FIELD GUIDETO CONSTELLATION
SENTENCES ATv
kUsing sentences to stimulatemovement of the soul in the
context of constellation work
.50 .
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ft
Rafe Nauen
Rafe’sfieldguidetoconstellationsentencesUsingsentencestostimulatemovementofthesoulinthecontextofconstellationwork
CONTENTS
Foreword
Introduction
ChapterOne–WhatWhyWhenandWhere?
Chaptertwo–TheSentences
Conclusion
FOREWORD
Thisbookispartofaseriesthataccompanyfivetrainingmodulesinsystemicconstellationtherapy.
TheoryandPracticeFamily–seebibliographyHealthBusinessMoney
Constellationsareaboutmappingtheelementsofasystemthatappearwhenyouaskthatsystemtoreveal.Themapthenhelpstheindividualtobecomeacutelyawareofthepartheorsheplaysinthebiggerpictureoftheirlife,work,orsimplejourney.
InthisbookIsometimesrefertohe,sometimesshebutinallcasesIamalludingtoeitherorboth.
Inworkingwithindividualsitisoftentruethattheissueorchallengeappearstobeoutsidethatindividual,andresidesinsteadinthesystemtowhichshebelongs.Theconstellationmodelenablesthefacilitator/therapisttoenquireintothatsystembyusingrepresentativesoftheobservedelementsofthesystem.
INTRODUCTION
IgotintoconstellationworkasaresultofneedingpersonalcounsellinginconnectionwiththeimminentdeathofmythenwifeMaia.ThepsychotherapistIsaacPizer introducedmetoconstellationstherapyalmoststraightawayandIwasblownaway.ItshowedthatIcouldseewhatIwascarryinginmylife,whatbelongedtomeandwhatdidn’t.ThatstoryisdescribedmorefullyinmyfirstbookFamilyConstellations–Unravellingthemysteryofourancestraltimeline.
Thisbookassumesaworkingknowledgeofthelayoutofconstellationtherapyworkshopsandendeavourstofillagapconcerningthewordsweuse,howtheyareformulatedandwhatprompts theuseofsentences.Thereareplentyofsamples,but theprimarysituationshouldalwaysbe,whateverisshowingupinthework–whatcomesfromthefield[1].
CHAPTERONE–WHATWHYWHEN ANDWHERE?
What are sentences, andwhy dowe use them in constellations andwhere do they comefrom?
WHAT ?
Theyareformofwordsthatimpliesastatementoffact,butthatprobablywouldneverbesaidoutloudinconversationwitharelativeordescendant.
Oneexampleoftenusedisinthecaseofanadultwhofeelsabandonedduringchildhood.Whateverthestorythefundamentaltruthisthatthatchildhasarrivedatadulthood,andiftheyfindthemselvesinaconstellationworkshop,mustbewishingtoruntheirlivesbetter,andnotsimplyescape,theyhavebeensuccessful.Thatmeansthateverythingthathappenedhasbeenpart of their arriving, and nothing that didn’t happen prevented them from becoming thatadult.Thesentencefrequentlyusedinthisscenariois“Dearmother,thankyouformylife,Igotenough”
IreferinmyworktoakindofEdwardianlanguage–slightlyclipped–clearlystatedandslightly off beat with English in the 21st Century! Early BBC broadcasters come tomind.Theyaredefinitelynotdesignedtoillicitananswer,butarestatementsofimpliedfact.“Iambigyouaresmall”“Youarejustachild”“Noneofthishasanythingtodowithyou”
WHY?
Sentencesareusedtostimulatechangewithinafamilyorothertypeofsystemandunlockdoorways intosecondarydimensionsofexperience. In theaboveexample, theconstellationwill havearrivedat aplacewhere the issueholder is ready to say/hear themselves saying“Dearmother, thankyouformy life, Igotenough”.Thesearebreakthroughmoments,andneed tobehandledwithcare.This isnot roleplay,psychodramaoranythingelse.Thefieldwillhaveshownthat that there isareachingoutmovementbythe issueholderas thechild,and the sentence stimulates a softening of the stance, and a reduction in anger. With allsentencesyouneedtocheckthatyouhavetheformofwordsthatcomesfromthefield,andthatthemomenthasarrivedwhentherepresentativesareintherightplacetomanagewhatisbeingaskedofthem.
Sentencesinthisframeworkarelittleclippedphrasesthatsimplifyandaddressstuckplaceswhere people find themselves, and enables movement and change. The concept ofconstellation work is to allow a better balance of energy within a system, and forresponsibilitytoberestoredtotherightplace.Thesentencesrevealmistakesthathavebeenmade with the energetic field and allowed responsibilities to lie in the wrong p2lace. To
clarify
WHEN?
You have noticed a change in pallor, or stance or seen a reaching out movement, andperhaps someone wants to hug some other representative within the workshop field.Sometimes a hug will do, but in the example given, that would perhaps imply that all isforgiven, and the sentence creates something rather different to that – it is not in anywayforgiving themother[2] for a lackof parental care, ormissinghugs as a five-year-old, orindeedanythingthatwouldenhanceguiltorshameanywhere,ratheritissaying“Thankyou-nothingmorewasneededinmylifeformetobecomeexactlywhoIhavebecome”–whichisofcourseexactlytrueineverycase.Alwaysensurethatasentencedoesnotdisruptorchangethedynamicwhichcomesfrommentalstructuresimposedonthesystem.WhenisREALLYimportant.Itarisesfromthefield,younoticeashiftinenergy,andyouneedsomethingtoliftthat into a breakthrough.That iswhen sentences arise. To second guess and to bring themfrom nowhere can lead to spoiling the ship for a halfpenny worth of tar. (That saying isactuallyacorruption–itshouldbespoilingthesheepforahalfpennyworthofStockholmtar–amedicalointmentusedtostopfootrot!)
WHERE?
Wherearethesentencesused?Whenyouarriveataplaceintheworkwhereleavingit,justallowingwarmthtopervadethefield,asentencemayshowuptoenableanadjustmentintheenergy. A constellation workshop has three fundamental stages, Diagnosis, Change orMovementandResolution.InDiagnosistheissueholdersetsupthepieceofworkchoosingall the representatives that he or she can visualise as being crucial to the field. The issueholder and the facilitatorget to see the structures, thedynamics and the tensionswithin thefield,andmaybe,somegapsorchallenges.Inthechangepart,thedynamicsareengagedandenabledsothattheenergyinthefieldbalancesitself.Thatmaybebyallowingfreemovementif the fieldappears tohaveenoughenergy for that,or itmaybebyaskingquestionsoforgettingrepresentatives tospeaksentences toother representativesmaysuggestbetterplacesthat appear within the field. The “I am big you are small, you are just a child”may wellintroduceadynamicwhereachildcanmovefromapositionofresponsibilitybythechild[3]for the adult parent, to a placewhich better supports being a childwithin that system, andpreserves or supports the flow of love from the ancestors towards the future and thedescendants,ratherthanintheoppositedirection.
PROVISO
ALWAYSgetthesentencefromthefield.Usetheseexamplesandsamplesonlyincontextandalwayswithcareand love.Feel free toadaptandchange to suit and toexperiment,butalwaysusethefieldasthesource,justusetheseexamplesasthesortofthingyoumightsay/couldsaytorelievethetensioninascenario.
CHAPTERTWO–SENTENCES
1. “Iambigyouaresmall”isusedtounderlinethefactsthattheissueholderisthechild of this constellation and that the parent is just that, the parent. It re-establishes the flow of love from ancestral towards descendants, and puts thebrakesonsystemswherethechildrenareparentingtheadults.
2. “youare justachild”–canbeusedwith sentenceabove toaugment that flowdirection,butitcanbeusedonitsowntoreinforceanacceptancebyapreviousgeneration that things are theway they are and that responsibility lies entirelywiththeoldergeneration,andnotwiththeyounger.
3. “noneofthishasanythingtodowithyou”–moreintheveinand12and3canbe used all together or separately. This phrase separates the responsibilityclearlyfromthepersonwhoistakingresponsibilitytowhereitmaybelong.Canbeusedinhealthconstellationsorfamilywork
4. “thank you for my life” very powerful concept in any abandonment issues –oftenusedwith5.Itenablestheissueholdertostopwantinganymorefromlifethanheorshealreadyhas.Howcanyouhavemorethanenough?Whenaglassisfullitisfullenough.
5. “Igotenough”stopstheissueholderfromanticipatingthatlifecouldbeperfectas if there were some manual of perfection somewhere and that his or hermotherorfatherwouldhavebeenlikethat.The“Igotenough”enablesafeelingthateverythingthathappened–allthegood,andallthebadhasmadetheissueholderexactlyliketheyare,andthatsincetheyaretryingtobeabetterperson,theygotenoughtotravelfrombirthtohere.Thissentenceisverypowerful,butengagementiscrucial–morethanothersentencesbecauseiftheissueholderisin theplaceofmentalargumentsstill, theywillbesayingunderneath that theydidNOTgetenough.Asoftenrepeatedhere,donotusesentencesbyrote.Theyneedtoarisefromthefield.Whenanadoptedchild(say)issueholderhasstarteda reaching out to a birth parent and maybe you have seen emotions in theparticipants, this sentencewill enable that reaching out to be fulfilledwithoutshameor guilt and a resolutionbreakthroughwill inevitably arise. If they arenotready,andareinanargumentaboutit,youmaynotgetthechanceagain.
6. “I will deal with what I can, but the rest I leave with you” – deals with thescenariowhereachildhasinheritedmorethanisappropriate.Thissentencewillenabletheparenttoacknowledgetheylettoomuchoftheirownstuffthrough.Itmaywellbefollowedupbythechildsayingthattheyrejectthatandhanditbackfor the ancestors creating a situationwhere the child becomes the leader in aprocess of reversing the flow so that the ancestorsmove into their right placewiththechildrenstandinginfrontoftheirparentswiththeirbackstotheparents–therightplaceifyouwill–theplacewheretheflowofloveisalwaystowards
futuresanddescendants.
DEARMOTHER,FATHER
Releasingtheholdthatdifficultchildhoodexperienceshavewrought.Iacceptfromyoueverything,allofit,
Andatthefullpriceyoupaidforit,
AndthatItooampayingforit
Iwillmakesomethingofit,
Foryourpleasure,andinyourmemory.
Itshallnothavebeeninvain.
Iwillholdontoitandhonourit
AndwhenIcan,Iwillpassiton,asyoudid.
Itakeyouasmymother/father
Andyoucanhavemeasyourchild.
Youareformetherightone,
AndIamtherightchildforyou.
YouarebigandIamsmall.
YougiveandIreceive–dearMother/dearFather.
IamhappythatyouhavechosenFather/Mother,
Thetwoofyouaretherightonesforme.
Onlyyou!
MEN ANDWOMEN
RemovingthebarrierstobeingawifeorahusbandHusbandandwifetoeachother;
Itakeyouasmywife/myhusband/witheverythingthatbelongswithyou.
Parentstoeachother:
Iloveourchildren,Iloveyouandrespectyou.
Parentsofahandicappedordeceasedchildtoeachother:
Wewillbearittogether–withlove.
Husbandtohiswifewhohasdiedgivingbirthtotheirchild:
Myloveforyouremains;andinremembranceofyou,Iwilltakecareofourchild.
Husband,sufferingfromterminalillness,tohiswife:
Ientrustourchildrentoyou–withlove.
Secondwifetothedivorcedfirstwife:
Youarethefirst,Iamthesecond.
Secondwifetothedeceasedfirstwife:
Iwilltakeonyourchildren–outofloveforyou.
ParentsandChildren
Father,withterminalillness,tohischildren:
Iamentrustingyoutoyourmother–withlove.
Mother,whosehusbanddiedearly,toherchildren:
InyouIalsoloveandhonouryourfather.Heisstillhereforyou,throughme.
Divorcedmothertoherchildren,seeingthattheyhatetheirfather:
Ilovedyourfatherverymuch,andifyoubecomelikehim,Iassenttothat.
Womanwhowouldhavepreferredtomarryanothermantoherchildren:
Foryou,yourfatheristhebest.
Motherandfathertoanabortedchild:
Mydearchild.
Itakeyounowasmychild,andyoumayhavemeasyourmother/yourfather.
AndIamsorry.
Inowgiveyouaplaceinmyheart,andyoushallhaveapartofthegoodthatIshallbringaboutinmemoryofyouandconsiderationofyou.
CHILDREN ANDPARENTS
RemovingunwantedblockagestothesoulthathaveoccurredduringchildhoodChildtofatherandmother,bowingtothemdeeply:
Ihonouryou.
Sontohismother,whodiedgivingbirthtohim:
DearMother,pleaseblessme.
Son,wantingtofollowhisfather,tohisfather,whodiedinprisonforhisconviction:
Iwillnotletyougounlessyoublessme.
Sontohisfatherwhobecameculpableinthewar:
FatherIletyougo,whateveryourfateandyourguilt.
Terminallyillsontohisfather,whilestillunabletobowbeforehim:
Please,givemetime.
Childtofatherwhokilledhimself:
Ibowtoyourdecisionandtoyourfate.
Youwillalwaysremainmyfather,andIwillalwaysremainyourchild.
Sonofanalcoholicfathertohismother:
Mother,Iwillrespectmyfather,justlikeIrespectyou.
Daughter,whomthefatheridentifieswithhisformerwife,toherfatherasshepointstohermother:
Sheismymother,andIamherdaughter.
Sheistheonlyrightoneforme.
Ihavenothingtodowiththeotherwoman.
Thissamedaughtertohermother:
Youaremymother,andIamyourdaughter.
Youaretherightoneforme.
IhavenothingtodowithFather'spreviouswife.
Son,whomthemotheridentifieswithherformerhusband,tohismotherashepointstohisfather:
Heismyfather,andIamhisson.
Onlyheistherightoneforme.
Ihavenothingtodowiththeotherman.
Thesamesontohisfather:
Youaremyfather,andIamyourson.
Youaretherightoneforme.
IhavenothingtodowithMother'sprevioushusband.
Sontohismother,whenshespeaksdisparaginglyabouthisfather:
Inseeinghim,youarealsoseeingme.
Daughtertohermother,whensheisafraidofbecominglikeher:
Look,Ihavebecomejustlikeyou,andIamcontentwiththat.
SIBLINGS
Issuesthathavearisenbetweensiblings.Womantoheroldersister,whotookcareofherasachild:
Iknowwhatyougaveme.Irespectitanditaccompaniesme.
Womantoherbrother,whomshefeelsmightnotbeagoodfathertohisson:
Forhim,youarethebest.
Mantohisolderbrother,whodiedearly:
Irespectyouasmybigbrother,
Youarethefirst,andIamthesecond.
Childofunmarriedparents,totheyoungersiblings,fromwhomithadbeenkeptasecret:
Iamyoursister,yourbrother.
Womantoherolderbrother,forwhoseguiltsheisatoning:
Irespectyourfate,andIremainwithmine.
PARENTSANDCHILDREN
Fromparents,releasingthemfrominjunctionsmadeduringtheirchildhoodGivingandReceiving
Mother,toherson,atwhosebirthshebecameill:
Iwasgladtogiveyoulife,evenatthisprice.Youmaykeepthegift–itwillmakemehappy.
Childtoparents,whomarriedforthechild'ssake,andwhoareunhappy:
Whatevertheblameortheguiltmaybebetweenyou–Iacceptwhatyougavemewithlove.
Childtothemother,whowasinjuredinthebirthprocess:
DearMother,asyoupaidsuchaheavypriceformylife,itshallnothavebeeninvain.
Womantohermother,whodiedinchildbirth;
Mother,dearMother,thiswasreallyterrible.
And,pointingtoherfamily:
Look,lifehascontinuedinagoodway.
Iampassingonwhatyouhavegiventome.
Childtomotherwhogavethechildupforadoption:
Mother,ifitrelievesyouofaburden,Iwillcarryitwillingly.
Adoptedchild,onseeingthemotheragain:
Iamhappythatyougavebirthtome.
REMAIN ING
Forchildren–allowingparentsthefreedomtoleavethesystemwithoutitaffectingthem(toomuch)Childtoparents,seeingthatoneofthemwantstoleaveordie:
DearFather,dearMother,
Eventhoughyoumayleave,Iwillstay.
Iwillalwayshonouryou.
Youwillalwaysremainmyfather.Youwillalwaysremainmymother.
Childtosomeoneinthefamilytowhomthechildwantstosay,"Iwouldratherdiethanyou:"
DearFather(orDearMother),pleaseblessme,eventhoughyouareleavingandIamstaying.
Childtodeceasedfamilymembers,whenthischilddoesnotdaretolivebecausetheyaredead:
DearFather(orMother,orBrother,orSister),youaredead.Iwillliveawhilelonger,thenIwilldiealso.
Or:
Iwillcompletewhathasbeengiventome,aslongasitlasts.ThenItoowilldie.
Motherwhowantedtodie,toherlittledaughter,whohadfallendeathlyill:
Iwillstay–andIwillbehappyifyoualsostay.
Womantohergreat-grandmother,whohaddiedinchildbirth:
Please,befriendly,ifIstaywithmyhusbandandmychild.
Anorexicdaughtertoherfather,whowantstoleave:
DearFather,evenifyouleave,-Iwillstay.IstaywithMother.
Andtohermother:
Mother,evenifFatherleaves,Iwillstay.
Bulimicgirl,forwhomeatingmeanswantingtoliveandpurgingmeanswantingtodie,toherfather.
Father,Iamstaying.IlikewhatIgettoeatwithyou.
Iacceptitgladlyfromyou.
Compulsivegamblertohisgrandfatherandfather,seeingthathewantstofollowthenintodeath:
Iwouldrathergamblemymoneyawaythanmylife.
SOLVING
Honouring the state of fact, and enabling themovementawayfromholdingontopasthurt.
Fathertohisson,whoholdhimincontempt:
Listen,myson:Iamyourfather,andyouaremyson.
Father,heavilydisabledfromthewar,tohisdaughter,whowantstotakeonhissuffering:
Iwillbearitmyself.AsfarasIamconcerned,youarefree.
Childtoparentswhomistreatedthechild:
Itwasterrible.Nevertheless,Iwillmakesomethingwithmylife.
Husbandtohiswifewhowasabusedasachild:
Allowyourselftolovethem,thenyouarefree.
Whensomeonehasmadeamistakeandsuffersfromit:
Imadeamistake,andnowIaccepttheconsequences.
Daughtertohermotherwhotoldhershewasawhore:
Iam,-alittlebit.
Womanwhowantstoobjectimmediatelywhensomeonewayssomethingunfair:
Thereissomethinginthat.
LEAVE-TAKINGANDPEACE
Emptynestingprocess,andfollowingdivorceetc.Childtoparentsupongrowingupandleaving:
Iacceptwhatyouhavegivenme.
Itwasagreatdeal,anditwasenough.
TherestIwilldomyself.
AndnowIwillleaveyouinpeace.
Manandwomantoeachotherattheirseparation:
Iacceptwhatyouhavegivenme.Itwasgreatdeal.
Iwilltakeitwithmeandhonouritalways.
Forwhatwentwrongbetweenus,Iacceptmypartoftheresponsibility,andleaveyouwithyourpart.
AndnowIleaveyouinpeace.
Parentstotheirchildwhodied:
Wegladlygaveyoulifeandgladlydidforyoueverythingthatwedid.
Weletyougonow,inpeace.
Yetforusyouwillalwaysremainourchildandweyourparents.
Fathertosonwhokilledhimself:
Iholdforyouaplaceinmyheart.
YouwillalwaysremainmysonandIyourfather.
Childtofatherwhokilledhimself:
Irespectyourfateandyourdecision.
Youshouldknowthatthingshaveworkedoutwell.
Andnowyoucanhaveyourpeace.
Daughtertofather,whomshefounddead,havingkilledhimself:
DearFather,withinmeyouarestillalive,andwithinmeyouaredoingwell.
IwillletyouparticipateinwhatIdo.
Mothertoherson,whodiedinanaccident,andforwhomshestillgrieves:
Irespectyourlifeandyourdeath.
Daughtertoherfather,whodiedwhenshewasstilllittle:
DearFather,youarestillherewithinme.
CONCLUSION
Buildyourownrepertoireofsentencesthatyoufeelcomfortablewith,butalwaysbuildthemfromwhatarisesinthefield.Thefewnotedhereareusedcommonlyandoftenleadtoothers,orprompttherepresentativetosay“No,that’snotquiteright”whereuponyoucanaskiftheyhavethewords,oryoucanadjustthemyourself.Thesesentenceshavecomefromavarietyofsourcesandhavebeenusedbefore.Mytrainingyieldedmanyofthem,andmyreadingmostoftherest.
INDEX
ChildrenandParents ,21DearMother,Father ,17Leave-takingandPeace ,35MenandWomen ,18PARENTSANDCHILDREN ,27Remaining ,29Siblings ,25Solving ,33
©2016RafeNauenwww.rafenauen.comrafe@rafenauen.com
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[1]Fieldreferstothespaceheldforthepieceofworkandrepresentsallthespaceneededforthealltherepresentativesofthatparticularsystem.Thingsthatshowup–forexamplepeoplethathavebeenforgotten,familysecrets,peoplethathavebeenexcludedcanbesaidtohavebeenshownbythefield.
[2]InthisbookMotherandFathermayalwaysbeequallyinterchangeable.However,becausethemotherhasbeenthevesselforthechildfor9months,thatbondhasastrongerimpact,especiallywhenthebondgetsdamagedbyseparation.
[3]Childmeansjustthat–evena70-year-oldmanisthechildinaconstellationthatincludeshisparents
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