oconee leader -letter from collette king

Editor’s Note: It is our policy,as it is the policy at many othernewspapers, not to report on sui-cides except when they are donein a public place or by a publicperson. Nevertheless, the follow-ing letter was written by themother of an Oconee CountyHigh School freshman who diedtwo weeks ago from a self-in-flicted wound. We expect ourreaders will find her words diffi-cult to read, though we are hum-bled by her strength and theconviction of her message.

Our Ryan was a happy, care-free, goofy, but loving 14-year-old high school freshman. Hewas one week away from becom-ing a sophomore. He maintainedA’s and B’s, without studying andloved his soccer team. I havenever seen him upset over any-thing for more than a day.We had to be on his case a lot

because he was a little too muchof a free spirit. He would forgetto do his chores daily, leave wettowels on the floor (everyday),and leave food throughout thehouse. This was just the tip ofthe iceberg. It sometimes droveus crazy.It all seems petty now.His good qualities so out-

weighed the negative ones. Hewas so kind, loving, generous,funny, and full of life and laugh-ter at home. Everyday, we said Ilove you and hugged each otherat least twice. Yes, everyday.

He loved his pets and any ani-mal that was in reach. He alsojust became really interested ingirls and texting all the time.That’s when our long daily talksstarted to dwindle. In fact, justtwo weeks ago I had to take awayhis precious phone because hecould not put it down. He wasfurious, but he had many chancesto keep it. Instead, we knew wehad to follow through with theconsequences. He got his phoneback, and he seemed happyagain.On Tuesday the two of us went

to his orthodontist to get a newretainer. He loved the new build-ing and joked with the staff. Af-terward, we debated on going tolunch together or picking up foodto take to school. We chose topick up Subway so he could eatwith friends at school and notmiss any more classes. We said,“love ya” as he left the car. Hourslater I went to the school to pickhim up from soccer practice. Ihad an icy cold Gatorade waitingas I watched him search for hisbag and check his phone repeat-edly. Finally, he got in the carand all seemed normal.We came home and ate a

salmon dinner and talked aboutchildhood events and laughed.He then said he was going to thegym in the basement to work out.Again, nothing unusual as heliked to punch on his punchingbag and do pull ups.As I was talking to my sister on

the phone, his friend called onanother line and said he reallyneeded to speak to Ryan. In lessthan 30 seconds our lives wouldbe shattered. After calling andcalling, Ryan never answered.So I went down into the base-ment to search for him. What Ifound would forever change myworld. I screamed and went intoshock. I knew he had already leftme even though I prayed the am-bulance would just hurry andpossibly bring him back. Oh myGod, how could this be real? Hejust wouldn’t wake up. How,how, how? Why? Oh Jesus, why,why, why?My oldest son came running

down as well as Ryan’s dogs thathe slept with every night. Ididn’t do anything right thatnight. I should have never let hisbrother come down to help. Ishould have never left his side. Ishould have stayed and beggedGod to give me just one morechance. I just failed in so manyways; now my sweet boy waslifeless on the ground. Gone,gone, gone.I know most families keep

tragic things like this private, es-pecially when that tragedy in-volves suicide. I know sharingthese details is not typical. Butquite frankly, I don’t care whatanyone thinks of our mistakesanymore. I just wish to preventpain in other families. We havetried so hard to raise a “good”family and been ever mindful ofwhat others thought. We were alittle stricter than most families.We tried to do family events onthe weekends so the boys wouldhave less time to get in troubledoing things with friends whohad little boundaries imposed bytheir parents. We went to sportingevents, movies, camping, churchand traveling. Even though ourboys had personalities that were

polar opposite, we seemed happy.Ryan’s carefree attitude and

general happiness is what makesthis so confusing. We thoughtsuicide is what happens to se-verely depressed people. Firstthey may threaten it, then attemptit (usually for attention), thenmaybe actually follow through.Ryan did none of those things.He just panicked over a bad situ-ation and according to his friend“thought his life would be over.”We are still uncovering details

to attempt to understand whatcould have happened in a shortamount of time to turn so manylives upside down.In the mean time, I am begging

any family who reads this to sitdown together and have a familymeeting. Please let your childrenknow that suicide is never a solu-tion. Every problem, yes everyproblem, can find some sort ofresolution. Suicide will onlycause waves and waves of tortureand pain for countless others.Now, here is the important part

for you parents. If you want toavoid the blinding tunnel of painwe are in, then YOU too mustchange. I am haunted by themany times I overreacted to thesmall mistakes. Please hear me.Not all children are meant to ob-tain straight A’s or make it into anIvy League School or even localcollege. Every child is not meantto be the superstar on their foot-ball, baseball, softball or soccerteam. For the love of God, letthem play sports because it canbe a great bonding experienceand exercise. Please praise theirefforts and let the coaches tellthem what needs improvement.Be a supporter not a critic.Please don’t encourage and wantthem to be a “popular” kid.Luckily, we never did this, butmany parents do.Instead, have them search out

good kids who will bring them upand not down. Understand eachchild is meant to be unique andpossess unique gifts. Who careswhat your neighbor’s child hasaccomplished? You should careenough to nurture YOUR child’sgifts. Please want your child tosearch out happiness and success.Success without happiness is justmeaningless.And please remember, just be-

cause your child seems alwayshappy, you are not safe. Talk andlisten to them everyday. Maybereveal some of your mistakes andwhat you learned. Wise peoplelearn from other’s mistakes, notjust their own. If our childrencan see how we survived some ofour ignorant childhood mistakes,then maybe they will truly getthat they too can work throughanything with a little help.Please have a code word, maybecount to 11, that was Ryan’s jer-sey number. Use “11” the nexttime you or your spouse is sayingsomething you may regret oroverreacting to a mistake.Lastly, this is also very per-

sonal, but may again prevent re-gret if you do encounter somedifficultly with your children.This is for the married parents.Do what you can to make yourmarriage strong and fruitful.Never use the lame excuse “weare just not in love anymore.”Love is a verb. You must ac-tively, each day, feed that love.Right now, if you are upset withyour spouse, do something tomake it better. Forget past mis-takes and concentrate on rebuild-ing if you can. I say this because,I know that Richard was ablethree days a week to bond withRyan at Crossfit before school.Each weekend they did funthings together and we tried to sitdown and eat a family dinner atleast six nights a week.Our family was far from per-

fect, but I am so glad we stucktogether during rough times.Richard keeps saying, thank GodI was blessed with those bondingtimes with Ryan. I think that iswhy he can actually get out ofbed in the morning.Marriage is hard, parenting is

hard, and making sense oftragedy seems to be the greatestchallenge we’ve been hit with.Please do whatever it takes toprevent a lifetime of regret.

Collette King(mother of Ryan King)

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Amother’s plea: Talk to your childrenI am begging any family who reads thisto sit down together and have a familymeeting. Please let your children knowthat suicide is never a solution. Everyproblem, yes every problem, can findsome sort of resolution. Suicide willonly cause waves and waves of tortureand pain for countless others.