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#MillionsMissing

Missingsincechildhood:Sarah|Germany

“MynameisSarah.Iam42yearsoldliveinsouthernGermany.IhavebeensufferingwithME

sinceIwasasmallchild.

Duringthelast10yearsmyMEhasbeengettingworseandIhavedeterioratedfurther.

I'mforcedtorestinbedfor23hourseachday.

Iseemysononlyafewminutesaday.”

#MillionsMissing

Missingsince1987:KarenC.|Sacramento

“Mycareerwasjustgettingstarted‐‐I'dbeenofferedmyfirstpoliticalappointment‐‐andhadtoturnitdownbecauseofmyhealth.February1987…

I'vealreadybeensickmorethanhalfmylife.

Inafewmonthsit'llbe30years.

Andstillnotreatment,nocure,becauseofpolitics.”

#MillionsMissing

Missingsince2015:Lizzie|Chicago

“IamLizzie.Iloveallkindsofsports.Iplayedbasketball,softballandsoccer.IreallylovetheBears.Iwasthefastestgirlinmy4thgradeclassforthemilerun.Iamareallygoodstudent.Theseareallthingsstillpartofme.ButnowIhaveMEandIcan'tdoanythingIoncedid.Ican’tgotoschoolformorethan

anhour,myheadexplodeswithpain.Ihurtalllllthetime.ImissseeingmyfriendsbutIgettootired–Iwouldrathernotseethem.

Now,Ispendalotoftimedoingcraftsandinmybed.Ididthiscardboardboatracewithmysisterafewweeksago.Afterwefinishedtherace(wedidn'tsink!),Iwasinbedfor4daysexhaustedandwithahuge

headacheandstingingears.Butitwasfunandworththeefforttorecover.”

#MillionsMissing

Missingsince2000:LoriB.

“ThisWASme,asuccessfulexecutive,trainingforamarathon,andwithaveryactivesociallife.IwasALWAYSonthegoandworkedmanylonghourstogetaheadinmycareer…andIlovedit.

OnemorningIwokeup,wenttogetup,andcouldn'tstandup.Thatwasthestartofanongoing16‐yearbattlewithCFS/ME.Abrickwallstoppedmefromrunningand

exercising.Iwasfinallydiagnosedin2004afterbeingtoldmysymptomswereallinmyhead,andthatIjustneededantidepressantmedicine.Myneurologicalsymptomsworsenednoticeablyin2008,andby2010,IhadtogiveupmylifeasIonceknewit.Ihavelostmycareer,sociallifeandfriends.Ispendmostofmywakinghoursrestingorlayingdown.Ihavehadmanyoftheneurologicalcomponentsofthedisease(includingPOTSandseizures)andhavenotfoundaneurologistwhobelievesinME.Peoplewillsaytome,‘wellyoulookfine’,whichdrivesmefurtherintoseclusion....”

#MillionsMissing

Missingsince2013:JamieD.|California

“I am 26 and have been sick for two-and-a-half years too long. I was graduating from college, working full-time, when I started to lose weight, get profoundly fatigued and cognitively impaired after mold exposure and two back-to-back viruses. I was a surfer with a knack for psychology, concerts, dancing, and so much more. I always loved science and healthcare. Since my diagnosis, I have lost friends, family, jobs, school, and dreams. The unknowingness is the worst. Having ME means never knowing how I will feel minute to minute, whether I will be left bedridden again, and if so, for how long this time? How much money I will spend on treatment… will I be left homeless and unable to take care of myself again? Will there ever be a cure? I fight tooth and nail every day to hold onto hope that I will one day live the life I deserve to – along with the millions of other people who have ME.”

   

#MillionsMissing

Missingsince1992:HeatherE.

“IamaSpanishtranslator,substituteteacher,andChristiancounselor.IhavehadME/CFSfor24years.

BeforeIgotterriblysick,Ididalotoftraveling.

Icurrentlyamalmostentirelyhomebound.Icanonly

translateonline.Iamnotabletotakeonmanycounselingclientsduetomysymptoms.

HerearepicturesfrombeforeandafterIgotsick.

Pleasecontinuetoresearchthisillnessasmanyofusare

sufferinghorribly.”

#MillionsMissing

Missingsince 2014:Shar|Washington

“Iambedriddeninadarkroomasheat,lightandsoundtriggermysymptoms:ItrytosleepduringthedayanddoanythingIabsolutelymustatnight.

TheblackDNRbracelet(inphoto)isonmyarmatalltimesnowasenergylevelshavebeensteadilydecliningeachyear.In2016Iamtakinghighdose,longtermantiviralstofightagainsthighlevelEpsteinBarrVirusaswellasothertabletsforpain,brainfog,insomnia,anddebilitatingfatigue.

Myhomehasbecomemyhospital.ME/CFScananddoesspread(viasaliva),butthereisnoonediagnosis,treatmentorcureorevennamewhichiswhat4millionpatientsinAmericaaretryingtochange‐mostlyfromtheirbeds.

#MillionsMissing

Missingsince2003:AmyE.|California

“Thismightnotlooklikeaphotoofasickperson.Butthehealthymewouldbeupright,smilingwithfriendsaround,withoutdarkglassesandabletolookintosomeone'seyes.Jan.13,2003,aseveretravel‐relatedinfectiontriggeredsudden‐onsetME.Previouslyveryenergeticandhealthy,Ican

nolongerworkandsupportmyself,enjoytimewithfamilyandfriends,orcontributetothecommunity.Idon'tevenmoveorbreathenormally.Almost14yearsagoIhadbikedeveryday,studiedyoga,hiked,climbedandcamped.Iamnow80%houseboundandcannotleavethehouseunattendedmorethan2hoursevery10days.”

#MillionsMissing

Missingsince2011:DavidB.|California

“InSeptember2011,IlostmylifeasIknewittoME.ThishappenedbeforeIcouldfulfillmydreamofgraduatingfromcollegeandpursuingadoctorateinPhysicalTherapy.Iwentfromanextremelyactiveandfullyfunctionalcollegestudenttobeingmostlybed‐andhouse‐bound,lyinginadarkroomeachdayformostofthelastfiveyears.

Atmyworst,Iwasunabletospeakormakefacialexpressions,andcouldhavebeenclassifiedaslegallyblind.Withaseverelyweakenedimmunesystem,myfourfailedattemptstoreturntoschoolledtoseriouslunginfections.Iamstillfightingthemtoday.WheneverIbegantoexperienceimprovement,IfollowedexercisetherapiesrecommendedbytheUSCentersforDiseaseControl(CDC)thatcausedmassiverelapses.IlearnedtoolatetheCDC’srecommendationsarebasedonaflawedmedicalstudyandthatexercisecanbedangerousforM.E.patients.I'vesoughtacurefrommorethan15doctorsinavarietyofspecialties,buthavebeenmetwithmostlyignoranceaboutthis"InvisibleIllness."

Fortunately,Ihaverecentlybeenblessedwithseveralmonthsofimprovement.IamusingtheenergyIhavetotrytohelpthe2.5millionAmericanswhoaresufferingwithMEfinallygetincreasedfederalresearchfunding.”

#MillionsMissing  

 

Missingsince1999:AlanaG.|Virginia

“In2001Iwasthearchitectofa$100millionairportrenovationandexpansion.ThatwasmylastprojectbeforeIwasforcedtoadmitthatIhadtogoondisability.Ihadbeenontopoftheworld,wheremydreamshadledme–andIhadpushedtobeabletobe‐sinceIwas14yearsold.

InmylifeIhavealwaysbeengo,go,goandpushingmyselftothepointwhereIcouldn'tpossiblypushanyfurther,anover‐achieverforsure.Lateron,societyisresponsibleforpushingandnotbeingsupportivewhenweneededtobeallowedtoproperlycareforourhealth,mostoftenbeggingforourverylivesandbeingflatoutignored.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2013:OihanU.|Spain

 

   

 

“Iamthewebmasterofthelargestweb‐fishingluresinSpain.Itraveledmanyplacesintheworldtofish.NowI

cannotfishandIhadtoquitmyjob.

IdidnotrecoverfromabadfluinApril2013.

95%ofthetimeI'mhome;ifIgooutIpaytheprice.”    

 

   

#MillionsMissing  

 

Missingsince2008:LucyM.|Wiltshire,UK

 

“TodayIamsickerthaneverandamcurrentlycastingaboutforviablemedicalhelp.

Twothingskeepmegoing:stubborndeterminationthatthereisapathtorecoveryandsavouringsmallgiftsofcompassion.

Wemaybeunabletoaffecttheoutcomeofahellishcircumstance,butthewayitisexperiencedcanalwaysbealteredandimproved.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2014:HendersonF.|SãoPaulo

 

 

“HereIsendapictureofagreatday,withadventure,

joy,outsideactivity,andthatiswhatImissthemost.

Iammissingadventure–Imisssomuchskydiving.”

=( 

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2014:SigridV.|Norway

  

“IhadoneyearleftofaphysiocourseinEngland.I'mcurrentlybackhomewithmyparentsinNorwayworkingongettingbettersoIcangetbacktostudying.

Iammissingdancingallnight,goingtodancefestivalsandbeingpartofthefolkdancecommunity.

BTW,I'mtheblondegirlinthepicture.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2011:NicolaS.|London,UK

 

 I'minthemiddle.Imissgoingtoschoolandhavingfriends.

“I've had ME/CFS since 2011. I got glandular fever when I was 13 that wasn't diagnosed until 3 years later. As a result, I developed ME/CFS. It took a year for that to be diagnosed at age 14. I had such bad tiredness and headaches I had to drop out of school and be home schooled. My friends tried to be understanding but slowly I lost touch with all of them. I've had ME for 5 years now and have still not been able to finish school so I can go to university. I miss hanging out with friends and socializing, not being alone in my room day to day.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2014:SarahC.|Chicago,Illinois

“I was getting my PhD in physics when I got ME/CFS. I went from graduate level physics, mathematics, and fluent French to having difficulty adding and remembering how to spell in English.   I went from being a teacher, a researcher, a student, a builder for Habitat for Humanity, a

choral singer, and going dancing every weekend with my friends, to depending on my boyfriend to carry me if I needed to leave my bed. While I have learned not to push, and can get round on my own, I now live with my parents as I can't work or study. Join #MillionsMissing and help ME/CFS patients get back our lives and get back to the work we love.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince1989:AllisonM.|Ottawa,Canada

 

“IammissingbeingahappyactiveMom.

MykidswereonlytwoyearsandoneyearoldwhenIgotsick,whichwasalmost27

yearsago.”

  

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2013:KathyI.

 

“I miss riding my mountain bike so much....

I love going down a long winding dirt trail, total concentration, maneuvering bumps, rocks & turns, reaching the bottom stretch,

yelling ‘towanda’!

This kind of total freedom was taken away from me in September 2013.

Hoping to ride again someday but until then I'm painting, doing

photography and connecting and supporting others with ME/CFS.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince1994:KarinB.|Ottawa,Canada

 

 

“I’m the tall one :)

I was diagnosed in 1994, when my son was a toddler.

I’m missing travel, social activities, being a ‘mover and

shaker’, sleep, really living…

Thank you for helping to bring this insidious life-vampire into the mainstream!”

 

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2003:CarollynB.|California

 

Carollyn(standing)withchefsJuliaChilds,SusanFenigerandMarySueMilliken

“Missingtraveltodistantcities.

Lookingatmyformerself…Imissher.”

 

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince1997:LauraV.

 

“Here is a picture of me before my health fell apart... When I collapsed in 1977 at age 20 with "a mysterious debilitating illness" that remained

undiagnosed for more than a decade, I had no idea what I was in for.

As it turned out, being struck down with ME marked my exit out of a fully functioning adventurous life into one that would often be reduced to a couch or a bed. For the next 39 years I have ridden an endless roller coaster of remissions and relapses, never reaching beyond 50% of

my original level of functioning and maintaining usually at about 25% at best.

I miss skiing, hiking, swimming, traveling, performing music with friends, eating "forbidden" foods, staying up late, going dancing, sleeping deeply, feeling fully alive, and my career in Art

Therapy that I was forced to abandon in 1989.

In spite of my illness I earned two degrees, produced a CD of original music in 2000, and a film about a local political issue in 2008.

I have crashed again & again & again from the effort expended on these accomplishments, but continue to paint, write songs, and make music, refusing to allow this dreadful disease to make

me miss more and more and more than I already have.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missing:EmmaC.

“Iusedtoworkasahairandmake‐upartist,andhavegreat

fungoingoutwithmyfriends.

NowIspendmostofmytimeinbed,anduseawheelchairasIcan'twalkfar.

Imissworking,dancing,longwalks.”

   

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2009:JessicaP.|ManchesterUK

  

“AfewofallthethingsImissare...

Imissswimmingandracinginpoolsallovertheworld...

aswellasthosedirtyopenwatervenues.Imisstearingdownamountainonmyskis.

ImissbeingactiveandrunningwhenI'mtooimpatient

forwalking.”

 

   

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince1997:BlytheB.|Indiana

 

“This is a photo from my teen years. I got sick in 1997, when I

was in high school.

I miss working with horses. I miss being able to socialize and go out spontaneously without

relapsing afterwards.

I am missing the ability to be self-supporting, have a career, and raise a family.”

 

#MillionsMissing  

Missing:NancyS.

“Missingthebeautyoftheworld,nearbyandinfarawaylands.

Missingjustwalkingaroundtheblockwith

friendsandfamily.”  

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2006:EmmaF.|U.K.

 

“I'vebeensickfor10years.IverygraduallywentfrommildMEtoverysevereME.Imisstravellingthemost.Theworldisagiftwehavebeengiventheopportunitytoexplore.Icannolongerdothat.

ForayearIcouldn'teventraveloutsidemybedroom&thisyearisthefirsttimeItravelledtothegardenin9months.Thegardenisnowmyholiday.ThisismeinAustralia2yearsago.AcoupleofweekslaterIbecamecompletelybedridden.Ihadtodropoutofuniversity,moveinwithmy

mum.ShehadtoleaveherjobbecauseIneeded24‐hourcare.LastyearIbecameparalysedandspenttimeonastrokeward.AroundthattimeIappliedforspecialfundingtoenterasevereMEwardinahospital.Thefundingof£150,000hasbeengrantedbecausemycaseissosevere.I'mnowwaitingtobeadmittedfora3‐6monthinpatientstay.Mylongtermgoalistobeabletotravelagain.AssoonasI'mwellenoughIwillbejumpingonaplane!Beingisolatedfor2yearsbecauseI'vebeentoosickforvisitors,meansImisspeoplethemost.” 

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2008:AllisonH.|Minneapolis

 

ME/CFSin2008;homeboundsince2012

“I'vemissedtravelingwithmyfamily,playingwithmykids,beingpartoftheirschoolevents,helping

themparticipateinout‐of‐schoolactivities.

I'vemisseddoingyoga,running,walkingthedogs,beingapartofmylife.

Weneedhelp!”

 

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2013:ClaireP.|UK

 

 

“Missing...travelling,trekkingforgorillas&exploringthisamazingworld.

M.E.sufferersarehiddenfromsociety,trappedintheirownhomessothattheirneedsandvoicesgounnoticed.” 

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2001:BeccaH.

Thisisquiteanoldphoto…I'montheleft,at11yearsold,mylast

birthdaybeforeIbecameill.

“IhavebeenillsinceIwas12;I’mnow27.

Imissedallofmyteenageyearsandeducation,mydreamcareerofbeingaVeterinarynurse,socialevents,travel,relationships,playingtheflute,independence,cycling,netball,running,walking

andmuchmore.

IstilldreamofthedayImaygetwellenoughtodosomeofthesethings...untilthen,Iholdonhopingandprayingthatoursuffering

isnotallinvain.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince1994:LauralW.

 

“Imisstravelling.

ThisphotowastakenduringthefiveyearsthatIwasrelativelywell

afterbeingonAmpligenfor1‐1/2years.

WereallyneedtogetAmpligenapprovedbytheFDA!”

#MillionsMissing  

Missing:MaritO. 

“Imissallkindsofphysicalmovement,

butmostofall,Imisshuggingmyhorse.”

      

  

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2013:BeckyC.|Derby,UK

 

“I'mmissinghiking,travelingtheworld,workingand

socializing.” 

 

 

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2011:NinaY.S.|Berlin,Germany

“Beingaverysocialpersonandlovingtotravel,Iwasenjoyingmosttomeetfriendsandfamilyandgoout.IwastravellingtoEuropeancountries,Africa,AsiaandNewZealand.Ienjoyedbeingwiththelocals,gettingtoknowpeople,andsavoringtremendouslytheforeignfoodandculture.

Fiveyearsago,duetothetravelling,mydoctorrecommendedseveralvaccinations.Ibecamebedriddenformonths,notevenabletofeedmyselfsometimes.Iamnowslightlybetterbutstillnotabletogooutforawalk,talklongtofamilyandfriendsetc.mostofthetime.

I'mmissingfromfriends,family,sociallife,travelling,eating,work,fromtheworldoutsidemyapartment,fromlife;thisispartlythesameformyboyfriendwhoisstillwithme,thatangel.

MostofthetimeI'mverypositive&donotthinkaboutwhatI'mmissing,butmorewhatIhave.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missing:Anna‐KarinU. 

 

“Missinggoinghiking.

Missingworksince2014.

Missingmysociallife,familylife,researchfundingforbio‐markersandhealth

professionalswithanunderstandingofCFS/ME.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2013:SusanW.|Scotland

“I'mmissingyachtracinginWestHighlandYacht

WeekinScotlandsince2013.

TherearelotsofthingsIcan'tdojustnowbutImisstheexcitementandcamaraderieofracing

most.” 

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2003:LiisaL.|Toronto

 

“Ihavebeeninahospitalbedfor13years.

Imissgoingtothebathroom.Imisstheoutdoors.Imissmywork.Imissstandingup.Imisswalking.

Imissgoingoutsideformorethanjustambulancerides.Imissbeingoutsideformorethan45minutesinthepastdecade.

Imissbeingabletowearclothesandshoes.

Imisstheexperienceofliving.” 

 

#MillionsMissing  

Missing:SiriS.

“Imissgoing

hikingorbicyclingwithmyhusband.”

        

 

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2015:ClareS.|Surrey,UK

 

I'msecondfromtheleft!

“I’mmissingfreedom,humancontact,family,friendsandtheirchildren,teachingandhelping

mystudents,floatinginthesea,views,hammeringmetal,thechanceofmotherhood…”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2002:MetteH.|Norway

“Imissmywork,myhobbies,mysocial

lifeandmygrandchildren.EpsteinBarrvirusin2002,outofwork

since2010.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince1988:Kalee|Alberta,Canada

 

“Thisphotowastakenalmost30yearsagowhileonourhoneymooninAustria&Switzerland.Itwasinconceivablethat2‐1/2yearslater,myactivesportinglifewouldbeendedbyanillnessI'dneverheardof–ME.

I'moneoftheluckyones–myhusbandhasstayedbymysidedespitedevastatinglifestylelosses.

I'mmissing:Myactiveoutdoorpursuits.

Myhusbandismissing:Hishikingpartner.”  

#MillionsMissing  

Missing:NatashaF.Australia

Iamtheoneatthebackwiththebluefins.

“Missingdiving,dancing,socializing,eatingoutandtripswithfriendssince

2014.”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsincechildhood:MireilleE.

Gothenburg,Sweden

“I'vehadMEsincechildhoodbuthavebeenbed‐andhouse‐boundfor3years.

Ihavenotbeenabletotravelsince2011.

I'mmissingtraveltoPariswithmyhusband!”

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2003:A.|TheNetherlands

“Hereisaphotoofmyselfasachild;I'mtheblondoneinthemiddle.

I’mmissingoutonmylife,amarriage,children,

andthenicejobthislittlegirlcouldhavehad–ifonlygovernments,doctors,societyhadtruly

investedinthisillness,listenedtopatients,andcaredaboutME!”

 

#MillionsMissing  

Missingsince2013:TammyF.|Miami,Florida

 

“Iwasamiddleschoolteacherfor13years,andapianist.IhadanactivesociallifebeforeIwasstruckdown

byMEin2013.

I'velostmycareer,myhome,mymarriage,myfriends,myfreedom,myhealth,andmylifeasIknewit.

Imisslivingwithnorestrictionsandexperiencinglifetoitsfullest!Ihadsomanyplaceslefttovisitandtravel.This

wasapictureofmeonmylasttriptoHawaii.” 

   

#MillionsMissing  

Missing:CedarS.

 

“Iammissinghiking,camping,and

workingfortheenvironment.”:(

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2012:SheriP.

 

“Itallstarted4yearsago.Ihadhadaflushot,thenaweeklaterarespiratoryillness.

Thecoughlessened,butmylegsfeltliketheyweremadeofcement,thenmywholebodyfeltheavyandnumb,asifIhadgottenashotofNovocainfrommyshouldersdown.Thefatiguewasextreme.IlaydowntosleepandwhenIawoke,Icouldn'tmovemybodyfromtheshouldersdown.Icouldn'tsituporrolloverinbed.Icouldn'tholdatoothbrush.Myheadhurtlikeneverbefore.

AsIstartedtogetalittlefeelingback,itwasfeelingsofpainandnausea.Iwastotallydependentonmyhusbandandchildrentotakecompletecareofme‐‐dressing,bathing,feedingme.Myhusbandhastowalkbehindmewithhishandsaroundmywaisttoholdmeupandusehisownlegstomovemine.Thedoctordidnothingformebuttorefermetoaneurologist.Nohelpthere,nodiagnosiseither.Ihavenowseensevendoctorswithnodiagnosis.

Thisdiseasehastakenawaymylife.Iwasaveryactivemother,hadjustfinishednursingschool,volunteeredatchurchandschool,andworkedparttime.

Now,Ican'teventakecareofsimplehouseholdchores.Iamtooweaktostandtoevendodishes.Mygoalofbeinganursehasbeenstolenfromme.SeverityofthediseasewaxesandwanesbutIammostlycouchbound.Ican'tleavemyhomealonebecauseifIdo,Imaynotbeabletogetmyselfback.Iamnotdepressed,butIamnothappyaboutbeingill.MayGodhelpusfindacure!”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2003:CamillaC.

 

“13yearsago,MEwassuggestedtomebyaGPwhenIwasillwithextremefatigue,palpitations,shortnessofbreath,etc.,theyearafterIhadmyson.Bloodtestsshowednothing.Irested,atehealthyandafterayearorsoiteased.TherewouldbeperiodsIwould"crash"andbeverysickandbedriddenforafewdays.ButthenIwouldbenormallyactiveinbetweenandrecoverfine.Myfriendsknewmeastheonealwaysonthego.Ilikedtogetoutandmakethemostoflifeandenjoyedtheoutdoorswithmytwokids.

Threeyearsago,Inoticedsomeweirdsymptoms,shootingelectricpainsinmyhands,numbness,migraines,electricshockpainsdownmyshoulderandarms,bladderproblems,severenausea,vertigo,

dizziness,roomswayingandIBS.TheGPdismisseditasmybeingastressed/depressedsinglemother‐‐definitelynotso!Itgotworsewithmusclespasms,bone‐crushingpainthatIneverthoughtpossibleandmusclesthatwereonfire.Ilostmysenseofsmellandtasteformonths,myfingerswherehardtocontrol,etc.Itwashorrific.

IhadtoinsisttheGPrefermetoaneurologist.MRIandbloodtestsshowednothing,andtheneurologistdismissedme,sayingtherewasnotmuchhecoulddo.Icriedmyeyesout.Ididgetsomemedicationtohelpwiththespasmsandeasethepainforawhile,butitcamebacklater.

Overthelastthreeyears,theMEhasimproved,thencrashedandworsenedeveryfewmonths,eachtimeleavingmeworsethanbefore,thistimecausingmetoleavework.Iwillneverforgetthetortureeverydayinthatjoboftryingtoputonefootinfrontoftheotherandkeepworkingandnotfalldowneachstep‐‐ofcollapsingandbeingwheeledoutinawheelchair.Iwouldsleepforweekscomatose.IhavegonetoEmergencyServicesforhelpindesperation….nonethere.Icriedmyeyesoutatbeingsosickandgettingnohelpagain.TherearenospecialistsinIreland,notoneconsultant.Ihadtobecomemyowndoctorandresearcherontopofbeinghorrificallyill.Eventually,aFacebooksupportgroupledmetoaninternalmedicinespecialistwhosecareI'mnowin.Ihavetopayprivatelyforthis.

MErobbedmykidsofafun‐lovingmotherinherprime,mademeaprisonerinmybodyinmybed,hasusonthebreadline,makesmecryattimeswithalevelofpainandsicknessIonlyimaginedonewouldexperienceclosetodeath.Howisitpossiblenottohaveanytreatmentafteralltheseyears?Throughout,I'malwaysstrongandpositive,butboydoesMEtestyourlimits.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:LisaD. 

“Losingmyfatherwasanabstractionuntilnow.I’vesentmyshareofsympathycardstofriendswhoseparentspassedaway,butonlynowisitpossibletoprepareformyowninevitablegrief.

Mydadisinanursinghome,bedbound,blind,dyingaslowlonelydeathduetocongestiveheartfailureanddiabetes,butIcan’tbetherewithhim.Ican’tholdhishandtocomforthimorplayCDsofhisfavoriteBeethovensymphonies.Ican’tlistentohimrecountthe

storiesI’veheardhimtellamilliontimesorlaughathiscornyjokes.Whynot?BecauseIamtooilltotravelcross‐countryduetoCFS/ME.Evenabriefphonecallwithhimexhaustsme.

IamaformerTriathletewhoworkedfulltime,travelled,andclimbedMt.Kilimanjaro.Now,Iamcompletelydependentonmyhusbandtocareforme.Ifeelisolatedandlonely.Itdepressesmethatresearchfundingissosparsewhensomanyofussuffer.Itaddstomyhopelessness.

CFSmakesadifficultsituationunbearable.ItisdevastatingtobesoincapacitatedthatIcannotbepresenttohelpcarefortheremarkablemanwholovedhischildrenunconditionally.DadworkedthreejobssothatmysiblingsandIcouldgetacollegeeducation.Healwaysofferedencouragementandgavesageadvice.Fromdayone,Dadputusfirst,andyetIcannothugorkisshimonelasttimebeforehecrossestotheothersideduetoacommon,little‐known,incurable,mysteriousillness.Aperverseillnessthathasdrainedmeofallmyenergyandkeptmehouseboundfor12years.IttormentsmethatIcannotsaygoodbyetomybelovedfatherinpersonorattendhisburial.

ItolddadthatIwishedIcouldbetheretohelphimandhereplied,“IwishIcouldbetheretohelpyou.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1986:AnitaP.“In1986,Icamedownwithasuddenviralillness.Within2weeks,Iwasunabletowalk.Iwas24andhadbeenworkingfull‐timeasawordprocessorforalawfirm.Ifoundmyselfcompletelydisabled,bedridden,unabletowork.

Itwas11yearsbeforeIfoundacorrectdiagnosisandadoctortohelpme,DanielPetersoninInclineVillage,Nevada.Dr.PetersonisapioneerinthefieldofME/CFS.Hisdeterminationhasneverwaveredfrompursuingthecauseandtreatmentsforthishorrible

illness.IwasoneofthefirstfiveofhispatientstobeontheAMP‐511clinicaltrialandgotAmpligenforthefirsttimeinDecember1997.Ihadawonderfulresponseandwasonitcontinuouslyforeightyears.Ienjoyedincreasedenergyandbrainclarity.Thatallowedmetocareformyfamilyandadvocateforfellowpatients.Ihaveneverhadanysideeffectsfromthedrug.

Iwentfromnotbeingabletowalkupthestairstobeingabletoexercisefor19minutesonthetreadmill.Thejoythatevenasmallimprovementcangiveaperson,tobeabletodohouseholdtasksorgetoutofthehouseandtakewalks,issomethingthatmanypatientsdonothave.Thesufferingisimmense.Manypatientshavetolieinbedfor18hoursaday,asIdidbeforeAmpligen.Manypatientshavelostallfriendsandfamily.

Havinganyhelpissomethingtobegratefulfor.IonlyhadthatchancebecauseofAmpligen.IbecameanadvocateforME/CFS.ItookbikeridesandhikedwithmykidsandwasthemotherIhadalwaysdreamedofbeing.Iattendedeverybaseballgameandschoolperformanceandvolunteeredintheirclassrooms.Itwaslikerisingfromthedead.

Iwatchthesufferingoffellowpatientsandtheheartbreakofmanypeoplethattaketheirownlifebecausetheycannolongertoleratetheyearsofsufferingwithnotreatmentsorhope.Therearenoapprovedtherapiesforthisillnessandonlyonedrug(Ampligen)currentlyinclinicaltrials,soIurgeyoutoapproveAmpligeninordertogiveothersthehopeandthechancetogetwell.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1996:KellyS.

  

“Iam25yearsold,unabletowork,andliveathomewithmyparents.

Istartedshowingsymptomsofdiseasearoundtheageoffive.Fatigueandpainhavealwaysbeenmytopcomplaints.Ofcourse,Ihaveatleastahundredothersymptoms,butIwouldtakethemallifIcouldjusthaveadaywithnopainorfatigue.

OvertheyearsIhavegraduallyworsenedandIseemtogetanewillnesseachyeartoaddtothepileof

diseases.Iammainlybedriddenandhavebeenforyearsnow.Iamalwaysrestingbutgettingnorest,neverfeelingrefreshed.Tryingtochargebatteriesthatwon'tcharge.IhavethoughtaboutsuicidemoretimesthanIevercouldcount.Iliveaveryisolatedlonelylife,asmostsufferersdo.

Sometimesitfeelsasifmybodyisshuttingdownonme.Ithinkaboutgoingtotheemergencyroom,notevenabletomakeittothecarifIdecidetogo.Irarelydecidetoanyway,becauseeverytimeIeverhavegoneformyinvisibleillnesses,theyhaveneveroncebeenabletohelpmeinanyway.Ithinkthereisoneworsethingthanactuallydying,andthatisfeelinglikeyou'redyingrepeatedly—justtolivethroughitagainandagain.

MyfamilyhasitmuchworsethanIdo.Ican'timaginewatchingalovedonesufferasmuchasmyfamilyhashadtowatchme.Iamafinancialburdenaswellasanemotionalburdentothem,althoughnoneofthemwouldeveradmititoreventhinkitforthatmatter.Andthat'swhydespitethesehandsIhavebeendealt,IamstilloneoftheluckiestpeopleIknow.IgotobedthankingGodforeachandeverydayandIfeelblessedinsideandoutbecauseIhavepeoplewholovemeanabundantamount.IfIneverfindmedicinethatworks,ifthereneverisacure,ifIsufferuntilI'm90yearsold…IcanstilldiehappyandfulfilledbecauseIhavebeenblessedwithangelsinmylifeandnoteverybodycansaythat.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1997:SophieK.

  

“May1997,afluthatdidn’treallywanttobebecomeaflu.DuringmytimeinbedandonthecouchIdecidedIwantedtogotocollegeafterallsoI,afterwhatseemedlikeaneternity(2.5weeks)wentbacktomytempjobandtoldthemthegoodnews.Thenot‐flukeptlingeringonsoevenmylastfewweeksonthejobwerespentathome.

InSeptember,schoolstartedandImanagedfinethefirstmonthorso,then“it”camebackandfromNovemberonIwaspracticallyhousebound,perhapsonceamonthcrashingonafriend’scouchafterameaslytriptothemall.Sorethroat,feverish,“fatigued”

(worstdescriptionofeverycellinyourbodyyellingNOtomovement),achingbonesandanindistinctpaininthemiddleofmyhead(andmydad)drovemetothedoctor’soffice.

Bloodwasdrawn,resultscamebacknegative.Afterawhileheallowedmetogototheinternalspecialistatthehospital.Avirus,CoxsackieB,wastoblameandwithinayearIshouldbeupandrunning,sailing,shopping,learning.

Theyearpassedsilently.Fullycountingonthespecialist’sestimate,Ienrolledforasecond(andnextyear’sthirdandfourthtime)incollegebuteventryingtogowasoutofthequestion.Ispentmydaysonthecouch,behindthecomputerchattingtofriendsorstaringatthewallorTV.

Itbecameafamilyproject;mymomwouldchoosean(alternative)doctororbuyabookdescribingcuresandwe’ddecideonwheretogonext.Mydadwouldtransportmetowherevertheantibiotics,reikiorenergetichealerwaslocated.Mostdidn’tworkormademeworse,somehelped.Thingsstayedprettymuchthesame.ArealdoctorwithadegreeandeverythinggavemeantibioticsforMycoplasma,whichIbarelymadethroughtotheend,Igotsosick.SinceallelsehadfailedIwentbacktothehocus‐pocuslady,andallbrain‐hellbrokeloose.ForweeksIcouldn’twalkastraightlinefromdizzinessandneededabathroomwithindrunk‐walkingdistanceincaseofreturningmeals.Mybrain,eyes,eventeethstartedtremblingandslowlypartsofmeseemtobeworkingagain.

WillIindeedbewellsoon??”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsincethe1980s:CarolH.

“Iamoneofthefortunateones.

IwasknockeddownbywhatInowknowwasMEinthe1980s,whenIwasinmy30s.Verylittlewasknownaboutthisoddthingthathappenedtome…IwasexhaustedbeyondanythingIhadeverexperienced,andfornoapparentreason.Ihadadebilitatingheadache,24/7formonthsonend.Mythroatwasalwayssore.Buttheutterexhaustionwastheworst.Therewasnoamountofwillpowerthatwouldallowmetofunctionnormally.Atitsworst,thegoalofmydaywassimplytotakeashower.

Forroughlyfouryears,thisdiseasedominatedmylife.Iwasunabletoworkforseveralmonths,andhadseveralyearsinwhichmyentirebeingwasfocusedonrestingeverypossiblemomentsothatIcouldcontinuetoworkandbeself‐supporting.Friends,hobbiesandfunfellaway.

Doctorsdidn’tbelievethatIwassick.Friendsandfamilydidnotunderstand.AndIpluggedonthroughit,withnoideawhen,orif,itwouldeverend.

Itwasadifficultandhumblingtime—realizingthatthedreamsIhadhadformylifemightnotevercometobe—thesimpledreamslikehavingchildren,playingsports,goingouttodinnerwithfriends,doingsatisfyingwork.Whenwe’reyoung,wethinkweknowthetroublesthatmaylieahead.Iwouldneverhaveanticipatedbeingsickwithsomethingthatfewbelievedwasreal,nocuresortreatmentsandwhichcausedpeopletoquestionmyintegrity.

IamfortunatethatIgotbetter.Slowly.Overthecourseofmanyyears.IsaythatI’m95percentwellnow.ThetruthisthatIalwayshaveaconsciousnessofhowmuchenergyIhaveexpendedandwhenIwillbeabletogetenoughsleep.Buttheseareminortroubles.Idodgedabullet.Asignificant,awfulbullet.AndIdon’tknowwhyorhowIdodgedthatbullet.Myheartbreaksforthemillionswhoarenotsofortunateandwhocontinuetosuffer,dayafterday.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2003:SharonS.

“MyillnessstruckjustasIwasfinishinghighschool.IrememberwakingupthemorningofmySATsandfindingthatnumbersseemedlikestrangehieroglyphics.Ibombed.Iwassoashamed!(IlaterrealizedthateverytimeIrelapsed,numberswouldbeaproblemforme.Istilldon'tunderstandwhy.)Fortheothersymptoms,Ifoundself‐deprecatingexcuses:lazy,clumsy,forgetful,lackingdiscipline,etc.Itoldmyself‐‐andanyoneelsewhomighthavenoticedsomethingoffaboutme‐‐thatIwas"justcomingdownwithsomething."

Asyearswentby,Ifounditmoredifficulttodoeverydaythings.Sure,thereweretimesofnear‐normalcywhenIwasabletofoolmyselfandmyfriends;butmoreoften,Istruggledwithbeingabletomakeandkeepdatesor

appointments.Oldinterests‐‐hiking,skiing,cycling,paddling‐‐weregivenup.Ijustcouldn'tkeepupwithmyfriends,andthecostoftheexertioninthedaysandweeksafterwardwastoosteep.Houseworkandhygienesuffered.Relationshipswereneglected.Eventually,Ihadtogiveupworking.

WhenImarried,myhusbandknewIwasill;althoughneitherofusknewwhatIwassickwith.Duringtheyearleadinguptoourmarriage,Iwasreelingfromtheeffectsofaboutofstrepthroatandflu.Hewasunderstanding,andsincehedidn'twantmetoworkanyway,Iwasabletoslowlyregaingroundlosttomylastjob.

Webeganayouthministry.Atonepoint,aclosefriendpointedoutthatit"wasn'tnormal"thatIconsistentlyneededdaysinbedaftereveryevent.Sheurgedmetogetmedicalhelp.Ihadbeenindenialforsolong.Thedoctorfirstdiagnosedmewithmononucleosis.Whenthemonohadn'timprovedafterayear,shere‐examinedmyfullsymptomrosterandchangedthediagnosistoCFS.

ShereferredmetoaspecialistwhogavemeadvicethatIdismissedatthetimeastoosimple,buthavenowcometoappreciateforitspracticality:propersleephygiene;avoidalcohol,caffeineandsoda;restwhentired(Iscoffedundermybreath,"whenamINOTtired?I'llberestingallthetime!");eatahealthydiet;keepajournalofactivitylevels....etc.

Thirteenyearshavepassedsincethatdiagnosis.Iamstilllearninghowtopace,toreadmybody'ssignalstoavoidmostcrashesandusemobilityaids.Myfamilyandfriendshavejoinedmyhusbandinsupportingmeandencouragingmetorestandnotover‐exert.TherearegooddayswhenIcansocialize,pursuehobbiesorworkaroundthehouse;andtherearebaddayswhenIhangonandhopetosurvive.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1991:LisaE.“IsuddenlybecameillonJanuary27,1991.Iwasanactivewoman—awifeandthefull‐timeworkingmotheroftwosons,a3‐year‐oldanda6‐week‐old.IwrotethefollowingpoemtwoyearslaterasitexpressedtherawemotionsIfeltlivingwithME/CFS.Ithastrulybeenarollercoasterride,withthe“peaks”lessthan50percentofthe“personIusedtobe”pre‐illness.

Iamnowinmy26thyearoflivingwiththisillness.Thislastyearhasbeenbrutal,leavingmemostlyhomebound.Icouldhavesatdowntoday,thismanyyearslater,andwrittenthissamepoem.OtherthanthechangeofnamefromCFIDStoME/CFS,thefeelingsarethesame.

Mylifeisforeverchangedandcontinuingon,withapurposeforeachday,ismygoal.Ihavelearnedtorelyonfaith,gratitude,mindfulnessandgrit.

ROLLERCOASTERRIDE

RidingonthecrestoftheRollerCoaster–Ontrackwithalovingfamilyandrewardingcareer,Lookingforwardtoaccomplishingmoreofmylife’sambitions,Livingforfuturegloriestobecomehappymemories,Everythingisatanacceleratedpace.Rightwhenmylifeseemsatitspeak;theridetakesadip.CFIDS.Oh,theanxiety,theexhaustion,thepain,thefright,theisolation.Angersurfacesandburstsoutateveryopportunity.Self‐esteemplummets—whereareallmypillarsofpride?Todaystretchesintoathousandtomorrowsinsnail’s‐pacemotion.Existencebecomesadaybyday,minutebyminuteeffort.Relinquishingindependence,fightingforanounceofenergy;restandmorerest.Regainingmomentum;Reflectingonmylife;Searchingmysoulforgemsoftruth,Inchingmywayforward,everthankfulforsmallshifts—bothmindandbody.DeterminedthatIwillconquerthisillness,whethercuredornot;EndingonecycleonlytocatchanotherRollerCoasterRide.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2009:MelaniS.

“ThefirstweekofgraduateschoolwasonlyafewweeksawaywhenIsuddenlybecameverysickandmysteriouslydidn’tgetbetter.Iwaspoisedtotakeonafulfillingcareerinhealthsciencesresearch,fillingmyleisurehourswithrunning,cycling,hikingandotheroutdooradventures.Butitquicklybecameapparentthatschoolwasnotgoingtobefeasible,andneitherwasmylaboratoryjob.Iessentiallyhadtodropoutoflifeandtrytofigureoutwhathadtakenovermybodysoviolently.

Thatwasjustover7yearsago.I’vemanagedtoadjustmyexpectationsdramaticallysincetheninordertoleadassatisfyingandmeaningfulalifeas

possible.I’veenduredagreatmanychangesovertheyears:returningtopart‐timework,takingafewcollegeclasses,gettingmarried,openingmyownbusinesses,losingmyjobagain,sufferingamajorrelapse,gettingdivorcedandmovingtoanewarea.Eachdaybringsanewsetoffeelings,bothphysicalandemotional,andIcreditmyyogaandmeditationpracticeforkeepingmeafloatinthisoften‐turbulentsea.

I’velearnedalotaboutradicalself‐careandhavehadtolearnthehardwayhowtoprioritizemyneedssoIdon’tgetsicker,evenattheexpenseofcareeropportunities,friendships,socialinvitationsandvacationplans.It’sfrustratingbeingsoyoung(I’monly29)livingwithaninvisibleillness.WhenIwalkdownthestreet,nobodysuspectsthatIhaveadebilitatingdiseasethatpreventsmefromdoinghalfthethingsIwanttodo.EverytimeIgettoknowsomeonenew,IfeellikeIhaveto“comeout”overandoveragain,whichonlycompoundsthefeelingsofisolationthatIdealwith.

Luckily,I’vehadtheprivilegeofgoodhealthinsuranceandhaveworkedwithagroupofgreatdoctorsovertheyears.Butnomatterhowamazingtheyare,ME/CFSstillremainsamystery;amysterythatrobsmeofsleep,energy,cognitivefunctionanda“normal”youngwoman’sexistence.I’mmanagingfairlywellrightnowthankstoacombinationofprescriptionmedication,dietaryinterventionandalternativehealing.Buildingonmybackgroundinhealthsciences,Ihopetogetcertifiedasaholistichealthprofessional,andworkwithotheryoungwomenaffectedbychronicandinvisibleillnesses.Aswellasbeavoiceforchange,foreducation,andforresearchfunding!”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2003:MadalineF.

“Ican'tsayIhadaneasy,stress‐freechildhood,butIknewIwasloved.Iwasanonlychildathomewitholderparents.Momhadbadheartcondition,anddiedwhileIwasstillateen.Shewasmyworld.Imanagedtohaveaprettynormallife.Marriedandraisedfourbeautifulkids.

Kidsweregrown.Icamethroughahorribledivorceandsomecrazyrelationships.

Iwasunderalotofstress,newlyremarried.Iwasworkingastressfuljobandlivingwithmynewhusbandandhisteens,whowereraisedverydifferentlythanIraisedmybabies.

Iwas50yearsoldwhenIfoundoutIhadfibromyalgia.Alwayswakingupinpain.Acoupleofyearslater,Icaughttheflu.Icouldn'tgetoutofbed.Iwentdownhillprettyfastfromthenon.Wenttopart‐timeworktonowork.Wentfromgoingtoparties,cardgamesandluncheswithfriendstostayinginbed.Hurtingallovermybody,especiallymyneck.Andcompletely,utterlyexhausted.

Isaidtomydoctor,IthinkIhaveCFS.HesaidOhyes.AndperhapsMS.Well,theMSnevercame,thankfully,butIwascompletelybedboundforthreeyears.

WhenIfoundapaindoctorandalsoreceivedCorteffortheexhaustion.Itchangedmylife.Iwasoutofbedtodominorchores.

Idonotgetanyhelpfromanyonearoundhere.NoonebelievesinCFS.ButIdogethelpfrommypaindoctorforthefibromyalgia.Sheisabouttoretire,andIamsoscared.WhatamIgoingtodowithoutthehelpofpainpillsandCortef?Icangetoutofbedwiththose.Ican'tdoalotofthingsstill,butIdon'twanttogobackwards.HereinOregon,theyhavemadepainmedicinesoundlikeitisevil.Iknowitsavedmylife.IwouldhaveendedmylifeifIwouldhavehadtogoforeverwiththatpain.Iwasbecomingsoextremelydepressedandattheendofmyrope.WhenIfoundmypainspecialistandIreadasmuchasIcanandfoundoutthroughtheSolveME/CFSInitiativeandothergroupsthatIamnotalone,Ifeellessafraid.

Iam63now.Myhusbandstilldoesmuchoftheworkandshopping.SometimesIcangodoalittlebitofshopping,butIusuallypayforitbybeinginbedfordaysafterwards.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2001:StephanieS.

“ManyME/CFSpatientsareforcedintotheinescapablebutnecessaryisolationofsolitude,longingfortheface‐to‐faceconnectionwefeltwithlovedonesandtheworld.Evenshortvisitscomewiththeinevitablepost‐crash.

Nowat62,Iwas“lucky”enoughtobe47whenME/CFSdescendedonmelikeathief,robbingmeof….”me.”Igrievethatyoungsufferersmaynevergettolivefulllives.

Growingup,myhealthwasmorefragilethanothers,butImanaged.Inmy20sIownedabusiness,solditandtraveledtoEcuadorasamissionary.ThenIembarkedonamusiccareerandlaterworkedmywayupinaFortune500

computercompany.At40Imarriedtheloveofmylife.

At47Iwasfeelingincreasinglymoreilland,afteraboutwithaninfectionfollowedbyafluthatlastedweeks,becameaninvalid,soweakIcouldhardlymove,andwithdebilitatingnausea.Thencamethe“ElectricalStorm.”

Ifyou’veevertouchedanelectricfence,thatawfulresidualtinglingiswhatcoursesthroughseeminglyeverynerveandmuscleinmybody….for14years.Myheartcontinuouslybeatsforcefully,electricalcurrentshootsoutintoallextremitiesandmyhead,evenaffectingmyvisionasthoughI’mseeingtheworldthroughthescreenofabad1950ssnowyTVset.Triggerscanmakeitworse:brightlight,noise,freneticTVshows,morethanafewminutesonthecomputer,talkingonthephone.Nomedicationmakesitbetter.

Ispendabout12hoursadayinbed,12inmyrecliner,gettingupforafewminutesatintervals,jokinglycallingit“my5minutelife,”gratefulthatIcanbathemyselfandmakefood.HavingPOTSmakesitdifficulttostandevenwithFlorinef.

OvertimeIspenttensofthousandsofdollarsseeingdozensofdoctorsingruelingappointments,fromhomeopathstotropicaldiseasespecialists.IrealizedthatIhadsevereME/CFS.Fiveyearsago,afterafruitlessweekinaHoustonhospital,ImadethedecisionthatIwouldnolongersubjectmyselftoanymoretorturoustestsordismissivephysicians.IknewinmyheartthatIwasneithercrazy,“clinicallydepressed,”nortryingtogarnerattention.Whowouldchoosethisdisease?

ThebestadviceIcangiveisthis:Youhavetomakeadecisiontolive,takingeachdayatatime,findingSOMEjoyinthedayorthemoment.TherearemillionsofpeoplearoundtheworldwithME/CFSandweare‘togetherinourisolation.’”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:SarahL.

“Iplayedtrumpet,sangchoir,captainedthehockeyteam,sailedandclimbedmountains.Itraveledtheworld,andIachieveddegreesandwasbusyandalwaysmanagedtokeepgoing,nomatterwhat.Andthatwastheproblem.BecauseIkeptfeelingmoreandmorelikeIwaswadingthroughtreacleandthenIwouldstarttofeellikeIwasblackingout—sobadwastheintolerableexhaustionthatwouldmakemeunabletogetoutofbed.

WaybackIdiscoveredthatthestressofacademiawasnotgoodformesoIbecameayogaandmeditationteacher.IwastoldIhadPTSD.SoforyearsIstruggledandtriedtomakemyselfswimand

dozumbaandyogafourtimesaweekandteachsixyogaclassesandIgottheinitialhighfromtheexercisebutthenwouldwakeupinthenightfeelinglikeIhadbeensavagelybeatenup.Migrainesstartedin2006,thesameyearIbegantobebulliedbymyboss.

June2009IwasverballyattackedseveraltimesinfrontofmycolleaguesbymybosscausingatotalbreakdownwhereIcontinuedworkingbutwasinwardlyfracturingwiththestrain,painandstress.ThreeyearslaterIcouldnolongerevenstandtowork.AllmysymptomswereputdowntoPTSD.November2015Iwasdiagnosed,tomysurprise(duh!)withME/CFS,whichsuddenlymadesenseoftheconfusionthatmylifehadbecome.NowItrytofindabaselineandgoouttoachoironceaweekandhavegivenupallaerobicphysicalstuffasIjustcan'tbearthebeatenupsensationthatfollowsit.

Idosailthough.IgetmyhusbandtohaulseveralsailsupandthenIrestforseveralhourslookingattheseaandtheskywhilsttheboatsailsalonghappily.Perfect.AndIwritemore.Iwritepoemsandshortstories.AndIkeepremindingmyselfthatChurchillwrotefromhisbedandsodidFlorenceNightingale,andsoIkeepabreastofthetopicsIaminterestedviamylaptopsittingproppedupinbed.Iresearchandstudymindfulness,self‐compassionandneuroplasticity.

IamstillastonishedhowphysicallydebilitatingMEis.Icouldrushoutofthehouserightnowifoneofmykidswasindanger.ButIwouldbeinpainalloverandfeelthatawfulblackingoutfeelingquitesoonaftertheexertion.AndIhatethat.Butyouknow,Iamtryingtolearntobekindtomyconditionandstillfindwaystoliveaninterestingandfulfillinglife.Ihavehadtolearnthatmylittleenergyispreciousandshouldbeusedwell.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2009:SiobhanB.

“Iam23yearsold,andI'vejustbeendiagnosedwithMEafterbeingsickfornearlysixyears.Iwasaprofessionalballetdancer,dancingwiththeRoyalWinnipegBalletwhenIstartedtofeelill.

TherewereafewinstanceswhereIcanimaginethisallbegan.Ihadafewboutsofinfectionfromvariousillnessesandsurgeries.Fromthenon,Ibegantofeelweakandill.Iwasdancingmylittleheartoutandcouldn'tcopeafterawhileofpushingmyselftomylimits.

ItgottothepointwhereIhadpushedmyselftoofarandthingsgotoutofcontrol.Iwashospitalizedandhad

toreturnhometoBritishColumbia.IthoughtmybodywasjusttellingmetorestandrecuperateandthatIcouldreturntoWinnipegafterafewweeksoff.

Twoyearslater,Ifoundmyselfstillillwithnoanswers.Iwenttocountlessdoctorsandnaturopathsandneverfoundmyselfbouncingback.IwouldexplainhowIgained40poundsinwhatfeltlikeoneday.Ifeltdizzy,nauseous,hadvisiondisturbances,menstrualissues,gutissues,almostnoenergy,whichcausedanxiety,moodswings,depression.IfeltlikeIhadlostmyidentity.IdecidedtoauditionfortheCanadianCollegeofPerformingArtsinVictoria,BC.IwasacceptedandstartedinSeptember2012.IthoughtperhapsgettingbackintodancingandexerciseandbeinginanenvironmentthatIlovedagainwouldhelpmefeelbetter.Itdidtosomedegree,asIwasrunningoffadrenaline.However,IwouldcrashlikeI'dnevercrashedbefore.Betweeneachyearinthesummerholiday,Iwouldcomehometomyfamilyandhardlydoanythingallsummertorecuperateforthenextyear.Thiswasathree‐yearprogram,andIgraduatedinFebruary.IamsogladIattendedthecollegeasInowhaveapotentiallypromisingcareerinMusicalTheatre.

SinceFebruaryhowever,Ihavefeltworsethanever.Ihadabigcrashjustaftergraduationanddidn'tgetoutofbedforaboutthreeweeks.InJune,IgotacallfromtheComplexChronicDiseasesProgramatB.C.Women’sHospitaltosayIwillbestartingattheirprogram.I'vesincestartedtheprogram,startedatreatmentplanandgotasupportivesetupathomewithaflexiblejobtoallowmetorest,butstillsavesomemoney.Iwillbehereforaminimumofayear,butlookingforwardtoenteringremissionandstartingmycareerinTorontoorevenLondon!Ihavehopethatwewillraiseawarenessandalllivehappilyeverafter!”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1990:AprilT.

“I'vebeensickwithME/CFSnowfor26years.Itallstartedformewithacaseofmonoonmy19thbirthdaybackincollege.Ineverfeltthesameafterthat.

WhenIlookbackthroughtheyears,IrealizeIdidlearntopacemyselfthroughmostthings,eventhoughIwasn'tfullyawareofthatrightaway.Despitebeingill,Ididreceivemybachelor'sdegree,eventuallygotmarriedandhaveabeautifuldaughterthattrulyinspiresmeeveryday.

I'velearnedtoprioritizewhat'smostimportantinmylife.DuetothemajorlimitationsIhave(energybeingthemost),Iamcurrentlyastay‐at‐homemom.Iam

veryfortunatethatIhavethisasanoption.Thisway,Ihavemoretogivetomyfamilywithmylimitations.I'mluckytohaveakind,supportivehusbandwhohelpsmeoutwithmanydailytasks.Besidesbeingthesolebreadwinnerofourfamily,healsocooksandhelpsoutsomuchwithourdaughter.Iamverygratefulandblessedtohavemyfamily.Theyaretrulymyinspirationandwhatkeepsmegoing.

Ittrulyhasbeenadailychallengeovertheyearstotrytokeepmymindfocusedonthepositive.TherearesomanytimesItendtothink"ifonly"Icouldworkandhelpoutwiththefinances,playmorewithmydaughter,haveacleanhouse,cookmoreandthelistgoeson.Idomournthelossofmylifethatcould'vebeenifIhadn'tbeenillalltheseyearswithsuchamisunderstoodillnesssuchasME/CFS.Itrynottocomparemyselftohealthyindividuals.Somedaysareeasierthanothers.Ididn'taskforthis,soIknowIshouldn'tfeelguilty.

I'vealsolearnedmanythingsaboutmyselfovertheyearsindealingwithME/CFS.I'velearnedwhoIcancounton.Itseemsasmoreyearsgoonthere'slesspeople,butI'veacceptedthatandknowthatIdohavesupportivepeopleinmylifethankfully.I'velearnedhowtobemyownadvocatewhenitcomestotakingcareofmyself(sincethemajorityofmedicalprofessionalsdonotunderstandME/CFSorreallytryto).I'velearnedtolistentomybodyandrestwhenIneedtoifIcan.Somedaysarebetterthanothers,ofcourse.I'vealsolearnedtonotcareaboutwhatotherpeoplethink.

LivingwithME/CFShasdefinitelybeenlife‐alteringinalmosteverywaypossible.MygreatestwishisthatthosesufferingwithME/CFSgettherespecttheydeservefromthemedicalcommunity,alongwitheveryoneelse.ThisbyfarhasbeenthehardestpartoflivingwithadevastatingillnesssuchasME/CFS.I'mhopefulthiswillchange.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2005:KateS.|Philadelphia

“Ispentthefirst20yearsofmyliferidinghorsesonmyfamily’sfarm,playingfieldhockey,spendingtimewithfamily,studyingpoetry,cartwheelingandsingingeverywhereIwent.Lifewaseffervescentandkind.However,forthepast11years,Ihavespenteverysecondpushingmentally,spirituallyandphysicallythroughCFS,anillnessthatchockedmetothesidelines.

Fromthisnewvantagepoint,Ihavelearnedthevalueofspiritualevolution,andmymindhas

becomemuscularinitsdetermination.Mybody,however,hasnotlearnedhowtoreclaimitsformervigor.Isufferthroughimmensepainandfatigueeachday.Inordertoteachanightclassatacommunitycollegethreedaysaweek,Imustsacrificemyentiredaytothebed,thebathtubandtheyogamat.

MyhusbandpreparesmymealsandmassagesmybodysothatIcanrestandwalkwithoutalimp.At5p.m.,IwalktheoneblocktoCommunityCollegeofPhiladelphiatoholdofficehoursandteachanightclass.Uponreturn,mybodyisachingforsleepandmyheadpoundingwithamigraine.Yet,Idothisbecausethealternativemeansafigurativedeath.

IfIdon’thavetheopportunitytocontributetotheworld,toteach,toencourage,thenmyillnesswouldvanquishme.Ipushandstruggle,anditexhaustsme.ButImustcontinueforward,sacrificingmylonglistofambitionsforthetinymomentsofjoyandgratitude,castingextraburdensuponmyhusbandandfamilyandfriends.Thispathismentallytreacherous,butI’mthekindofwomanwhowillkeephikingtothetop,aslongashopedangleslikearopefromtheprecipice.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:PippaS.“WhenIwas15yearsold,Istartedtoexperienceageneraldeclineinmyhealth.Ifeltfatigued,lightheadedandexperiencedpaininmylegsandfeet.EverydoctorIsawattributedthisto“beinglazy”and“justhormones.”EventhoughIwasaballerinaintraining,anactivevolunteerandonmyfeetfor10+hoursaday,IwastoldthatIneededtoimprovemyfitnessandjust“tryabitharder,”andthenIwouldfeelbetter.

Overthenextfouryearsmyhealthcontinuedtodecline,thoughImanagedtogaingoodmarksinmyexams,getintomytop‐choiceuniversityandhaveanamazingfirstyearof

beingastudent.However,duringthesummerfollowingmyfirstyearasIwasvolunteeringabroad,Iexperiencedahugerelapseandbecameseverelyunwell.

Itwasthismassivelossoffunctioningthatfinallymadethedoctorstakenotice,andIwasdiagnosedwithME/CFS.DuringthattimeIwasunabletowalk,struggledtotalkandfeltutterlymiserableforaboutamonth.However,Imadegradualimprovementsandhavebeenluckyenoughtocontinuewithmystudies.

Iamnowabouttoentermythirdyearofuniversity,andI'mnolongertheactive,fun‐lovingstudentthatIoncewas.Ihavesignificantmuscleweakness,whichmakeswalkingdifficult,alongwithmemorydifficultiesandimpairedcognitivefunctioningwhichmakestudyingachallenge,sensoryimpairmentwhichmakesleavingthehousepainful,andpost‐exertionalmalaise,whichmeansIhavetostrictlypacemyselftoavoid“crashing”andbeingconfinedtobed.

It'snotaneasylife,andeverydayisastruggle.However,afteraboutayearofgrievingformyoldlife,I'mstartingtofeellikemyselfagain.Ihavesomegoodlaughswithmyfriendsabouttheawkward,embarrassingandjustplainuglysituationsthathavearisenfrombeingill,andIdojokeaboutmysituationalot.I'mhopingtousemyownexperiencetoworkwithchronicillnesssufferersinthefuture.

Theonethingthat'sbeenmostinfluentialinmyillnessjourneysofarishowmuchthelittlethingsmatter.ThisledmetocreatemyfundraisinginitiativeSpoonieSurvivalKits(“Spoonie”beingtheslangwordforachronicillnesssufferer).Thekitsarelittlebagsofhappinessthatremindpeoplethatsomebodycares,fundedoffdonationsandmyownmoney,andthensoldonlinetoraisemoneyforchronicillnesscharities.We'recurrentlyreachingthousandsofpeoplein41countries!”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing: SuzetteB.

“Myspiritfloatsoffthecouch,gracefully.Butshehastoturnaround,gestureatmetogetup.“Can’tyoushowmehowtolevitate?” 

“No,”shescolds.“Notuntilyou’redead,andthenonlyifyou’renicetome.”Mybodyrolls,grunts.There’snothinggracefulaboutit.

Or,Iaskher,“Rememberthestoryaboutmyhusband’sgraduateseminar?Howtheprofessor’sbackpainforcedhimtoteachlyingdownontheseminartable,thestudentssittingaroundhim.Doyouthinkthey’dletmemovemycouchintotheclassroom?Andbringsomepillowsformyneckandforundermyknees??

“Yourlegsstillwork,andyourbackpainisn’tthatbad.Getup.”Ido.“ButwillIgetdizzydrivingtoschool?Willmylegsgonumbwalkingacrosscampus?Willthefloormoveintheclassroomagain?Todistractherandmyself,IthinkaboutthatwomanImetintheCFS/MEdoctor’sofficewhenIwasfinallydiagnosed.Curly,blondehair,attractive,shedidn’tlooksick,butIcouldseethepainetchedaroundhereyesandhearitinhersoftvoiceasshementionedtheskull‐crushingheadache.Iknewthatpullinginofherbodytosteadyherselfagainstallthemovementandnoisearoundus.ItwasthefirsttimeIunderstoodIwasn’taloneandinvisible,thatifyoulookedcloselyenough,theactdidn’treallywork.

Theproblem,Itrytoexplaintomyspirit,isbearingyourownweight.Shedoesn’tgetthat.“Mybones,muscles,theyallfeellikelead,andwhendidtheairaroundmebecomearagingrivercurrentIhavetodragmybodythrough?”"Yourlastdayofcycling,”myspiritanswers.Ireturnedhomeafterjustahalf‐houronalevelroad.Icouldn’timaginemylightframemovingeasilythroughaireveragain.

“Someofthoseantidepressantsfooledmeintofeelinglight,again.Therewasthatonemakingmypupilshuge.”WhenthedoctoraskedhowIwasdoingatthefollow‐up,Itoldhim,“Great!”Helaughed,seeingmypupilsandtookmeoffthemedimmediately.Anothermedgavemesoaringnightmares.TheycouldhaverivaledtheRomantics’nightofdrugsandstorieslikeFrankenstein,butIwantedmysleepback,wantedtowakenormally,withoutgasping.

Onemedworks,andyes,mypupilsarenormal.It’snotprescribedtohelpwiththedizzinesswithdriving,butit’smadethatgoaway.Mystudents,thecatsneedingfeeding,myhusbandgettingmeoffthecouch,althoughhecansometimeslookasimpatientasmyspirit.Thememoryofbeingtheoldestandtakingcareofthingswhenhismotherhadcancerisn’tagoodone.Icatchhimcheckingmybreathing.

Andahorsebearsmyweight,theinstructortellingmelastweekwelookedgood—allthreeofus—graceful.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2013:JandaK.

“IhadjustreturnedfromtravelinginMarch2013whenIcamedownwithwhatfeltliketheflu.Afterthreeweeksinbed,unabletoevensitupmostdays,Ithoughtitmightbemono.Testsrevealedwewereclose:Cytomegalovirus,whichisavirusinthemono/EpsteinBarrfamily.WhileIseemedtorecoversomewhatbyApril,Imanagedtodragmyselfthroughthemotionsofworkthroughthesummer,butbySeptemberitwasclearthatmyrecoverywasgoingbackwards.Iwasgivenadiagnosisof"PostViralSyndrome"andtoldbymyinfectiousdiseasedoctorthatsomepeoplearejust“neverthesame.”(What!?)

Stillunabletogetoutofbed,mycareercametoagrindinghalt.Mysocialandfamilyactivitiesstoppedcompletely.

Myhusbandbecamesolecaregivertoourtwoyoungsons.Ispentthenext18monthslyinginadarkroom,sleeping,unabletoevenmovemylimbssomedays,strugglingwithdisjointedthoughtsandconfusion,whatIwouldlaterheardescribedasbrainfog,butdoesn'tcomeclosetoexplainingwhatitisorhowitfeels.

Therearemomentsofthedaywherethingsfeelalmostnormalforanhourortwo—whereIamlucidandmythoughtsfollowanormalandclearsuccession—butthenthatdeterioratesintoajumbled,chaoticmessofdisjointedthoughtsthatdon'tfollowclearlogicorunderstanding.Istruggletofollowsimplecurrentevents,plotsofTVshowsorstoriesthatfamilyandfriendsshare.Ijustdon'tfollowtheconversation.It’slikecobwebsthatslowdownyoursynapsessothatitfeelslikethe"GetSmart"doorsslammingdowninyourbrain.Nothingisgettingthrough.

Year2ofmyillnessIstillprimarilyspendmydaysinbed.AtleastIamoutofmypajamasnow,butnotmuchelsehaschanged.IgaveupmycareerinPR,gaveupvolunteeringinmykids’classrooms,gaveupsocializingandtraveling.I'vehadtositonthesidelinesandwatchmyfriendscelebratetheirbirthdayswhileIamtoosicktojoinin.I'vemissedtoomanyfamilyadventurestocount.

"Fatigue"isanotherwordthatjustdoesn'tfitthebill.ItfeelslikeIhaveleadinmyveins.SometimesIcan'tspeak;itrequirestoomuchenergy.Thatisn't"fatigue."Thereisjustnothing“inthetank”tofuelstandinguportalking.MysonaskedmetheotherdaywhatIdid"beforeyouweresick",anditbrokemyhearttorealizehemaynevergettoseewhoIwasbeforethisillnessrewrotemylife.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:SeanS.“Illnesshasunraveledme.Ihavelostnearlyeverything.Yet,Iamoneoftheluckyones.Mostofmy20sIhadlittleenergyforfamily,friends,hobbies,relationships,educationorcareerflexibility.Andyet,whileIamstillgrievingwatchinglifepassmeby,IcontinuetobereinvigoratedandhealedonlybywhatIcandescribeaspuregrace.

Copingwiththestigmaofaninvisible,misunderstoodillnesshasgiftedmewithanourishingconnectiontoself,soulandplanetandaferociouscompassionforalllife.

Myearliestmemoryofbeingdifferentisnothavingtheenergytorunandhollerontheplaygroundlikeotherkids.Socially,delayedcognitiveprocessingandADD‐likebrainfog

madeadolescenceexcruciating.Igrewupplayingoutsideinahazeofpesticidessprayedonthecornfieldsaroundmyhouse.

ATypeApersonality,Ipushedthrough.IwentintodeepdenialinhighschoolwhenmybloodpressureandadrenalfatiguewassobadIwouldblackoutstandinguptooquicklyorclosemyeyestorestwhenwalkingdownthehalls.Ialmostdidn’tmakethelastfewmonthsofhighschooleventhoughIamassedachievementsamilelong.

ItwasincollegethatIcompletelylostcontrol.LifefeltlikeadeathmatchgameshowIcouldnotwin.Cyclingthroughseverestomachpain,exercise‐inducedblackouts,musclepain,amnesia,neuropathy,insomnia,nauseaanddepressionwasthenorm.Ishouldhavedroppedout.Chronicallyflu‐like,Iblamedmyself.Ichosetohideandovercompensateandgraduatedwithhonors.

Ihadaburstofalmost‐normalenergyfollowedbyanotherdecline,andthiscyclecontinueduntilIwashouseboundonandoffforyearsandthensixmonthsstraightin2013.Atonepoint,mydepressionbecamesevere,andIwasfightingforareasonto"behere."

WhileIstillexperiencerelapseanddowncycles,IamnowhealthieratacorelevelthanIhaveeverbeen.Afteralifetimeofillness,Ihavemadea65percentrecoverybyengagingintherapiestohealCNSdysfunction,naturopathy,somaticwork,andmostimportantly,takingupastrictdietofrebelliousself‐loveandself‐advocacy.

Iamnowsuccessfullyself‐employedhelpingothersreckonwithchronicillness.

Iwouldn’tchangetheagonizingsoullessonsthathavebroughtmehereforathousandcarefreeyearsinthesun.Littlebylittle,asIletgoandlistentothewhisperingsofguidancewithin,IamregainingmorethanIcouldhaveeverlost.Iamunspeakablyblessed.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:BeckyW.

“IamamajordisappointmenttoeveryoneIknow.Iamaworthlesshumanbeing.Myexistencehasnomeaning.Why?BecauseFibromyalgia,ChronicFatigueSyndromeandchronicmigraineshaverobbedmylifeofanymeaningiteverhad.

I'mmarriedandhavefivechildren.Myinteractionswiththemconsistmainlyofwhentheystopbymybedroomtoseeme.Myhusbandhastowaitonme.Ourrelationshiphaslostallintimacy.Wemerely

coexist.

MycareerendedwhenIcouldnolongermakeitthroughadayintheclassroom.Teachingwasmypassion.Itrewardedmeinwaysthatareindescribable.IreceivedawardsandwasrecognizedbyourgovernorforthecompassionIputintomyteaching.Whenastudententeredmyroom,theywerenotonlymystudent,butmychild.Itaught,encouraged,counseled,listenedandmostofallletthemknowtherewassomeoneintheirlifethatcared.

WhatrewardsdoIgetnow?Havingenoughenergytotakeashower.Seeingmychildrendowellinspiteoftheircircumstancesathome.

Pain,exhaustion,andmostofallincrediblelonelinessisallIknow.I'velostmyfriends.TheystoppedcallingwhenIkeptcanceling.Ican’ttellyouhowmanytimesI'vebeentold,“well,youlookallright”.Theseareinvisibleillnessesthatneedtoberecognized.Notsweptundertherug.

Mypoorfamilylosttheirmother.Ifeelsoguiltytoburdenthem.Theycertainlydidn'taskforthiseither.ThesadnessanddespairIfeelisalltheysee.Happiness?It'safondmemory.Icryeveryday.IcryforthepersonIusedtobeandsodesperatelywanttobeagain.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1988:TracyB.“IreceivedmyfirstflushotbackinNovember1988inSanDiego,Calif.Afterthat,itjustseemedlikeIwassickallthetimewithsomething.Iwasstressedatmyjobontopofthat.ThenafriendofminefoundagooddealonflightstoEuropeforthefollowingspring.IkepthopingtogetbetterfromallthesesicknessesIwasincurringbythetimeAprilcame.Ihadastomachbugaswewereflyingoverthere.Ipushedmyselftobackpackgoingfromhosteltohostel.

WhenIreturnedbacktoworkmybodyjustcrashedandIwasbedriddenforaweek.Iworked,butneverfeltgood,anditwasahugestruggledaytoday.Iwentfromdoctortodoctortryingtofindoutwhatwaswrongwithme.FinallyonedoctorsaidIhadChronicFatigueSyndrome.MylabswerepositiveforEpstein‐Barrvirus.Igotalittlebetterbutneverfullyrecoveredfromthesymptomsofaflu‐likeillness.Twenty‐fouryearslaterIstillsuffer.

Istayedinanunhappymarriage,sothatIdidn'thavetoworkandthatIcouldraiseourtwodaughters.Ahugechallenge!NowIamdivorcedandworkingpart‐timeintheschoolcafeteria,whichhasbecomeverydifficultlatelyasIhavebeenhavingheartexertion,painandpalpitations.Iamonabetablockernow,butthefatigueandsickfeelingisstilloverwhelming.

I'mafraidIhavetofinallysubmittothischronicillnessandapplyfordisabilityifImakeitthatfar.Itrulyjustwanttomakeittomydaughter'shighschoolgraduationin4years.Alltheseyearshavebeenjustplainscary.Yes,I'vebeenthroughthefriendsnotbelievingmething,sayingit'sallinmyheadtolosingjobsallbecauseofit.EverypersonIencounterinmylife,Ithinktomyself,theyaresoluckynottohavethis!Thankallofyouworkingtowardacauseandcure.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2009:TatianaA.

 

“Ialwayswashealthy,Ifeltprettyandhappywithalotofenergyplans.WhenIcametoUSfromCuba15yearsago,Iwantedtogettheworldformyself.IwantedtoenjoythelifeIwaspursuing.Iworkedveryhard,tryingtofitwithinthisnewcountryandIfeelIgotit!!However,aboutsevenyearsago,IstartedfeelingtiredandaftermanydoctorvisitsandlabtestscompletelynegativeIendedwithadiagnosisofdepression.Evenmyhusbandandfamilymembersdidn’tbelieveIwassick.

Itwasveryfrustratingandsometimeshumiliatingandmisunderstood.Mylifechangedfromshininggoldtowetcharcoal,fromwhitetoblack,nomore

happiness,cannotenjoymyson'sactivities,Ihadtoquitwork,andithasaffectedallmydreamsandmylife.Ialwayssaid"IamnotillbecauseIamdepressed,IfeeldepressedbecauseIamill."Now,ImostlyliveconfinedtomyhousewiththeterriblesensationthatsoonIwillbealsoconfinedtobed.

Itseemsnobodycouldunderstand,atsomemomentIbelievethateverythingwasinmyimaginationandwenttothepsychiatrist,yetthingswereworst.Ialsoconsideredsuicide,butdecidedtofightforwhatIconsideredbest:HOPE.

Recently,atFloridaNOVASEcenterfortheimmunediseases,theyfoundrealevidencethatmyimmunesystemisworkingwrong,mypainandgeneralillnessisREAL,notimaginary.Previously,IsawmanydoctorsandspecialistswhotoldmeCFS/MEdoesnotexist,"Itisanamegivenwhennobodycantellyouwhatyouhave."Whateverthenameis,itisREAL,andweneedhelp.

HereatUS,familydoctorsarenotpreparedforthissituation,theydon'tknowaboutthissicknessandthen,theycannotdiagnoseit.Weneedtofightforfundingforresearchandsupportfrommediaandpress.Weneedtofightfortheinsurancetocoverthetreatmentevenifitisnotadefinitivecurebecausebeingignoredandisolatedisthemostterriblethingahumanbeingcanface.

Ignoranceisobscurity,weneedhelpfromourfamily,friends,doctorsandcommunitytobeabletofloatwhileacureisfound.Iwanttobehappyagain.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:SueC. 

“BeforeCFS,Iwasanoutdoorgirlwholovedwalkinginthemountains,swimming,gardening,cycling,anddancing.Istillam;Ijustcan'tdothosethingsmuchanymore.

Isanginchoirs,playedthepianoandwasverysociable.IhadjustdoneaMaster’sdegreeinwriting,seenmyfirstgrandchildborn,andrebuiltourhomeafteranearthquake.Iwas58.

IamsogratefulthatIhadthose58years.Grateful,too,thatIwasneverbedboundformorethanaweekatatime.

NowIliveinawaythatnoonewithoutCFScanunderstand.Eachday,thereisaverylimitedamount

ofenergyavailable—sometimesmore,sometimesless.Ifindcreativewaystoenjoythemostsatisfyinglifepossible,whilsttryingnevertooverspendenergy.IknowifIdooverspend,Iruntheriskofbeingbed‐boundforaweek,amonthoryears.Thereisnoeasywayback.

Iliveinfive‐minuteportions.IdothingsIloveforfiveminutes,orthreeminutes,oroneminute.Idojobsinfive‐minutestages.Irestinbetween.Iplaywithgrandchildrenfor10minutes.Idriveupthemountainandwalkforthreeminutes.Idooutdoorjobsongooddays.Inpublicbuildings,Isitandclosemyeyesandcovermyearsforfiveminutes—orevenlieonthefloortorecover.

Iamgettingbetter.ButIcanneverplanmyenergyinadvance.SoIcanrarelybewithpeople.

Igetillindoorsfrommildchemicalhousecleaners,damp,mold,carpets,perfumes.Igetilloutdoorsfromrottingvegetationafterrain,fromwind,pines,seabreezes.

Igetillfromnoise,loudvoices,machines,music,vibrationincars;fromtalkingandfromlisteningtopeopletalk;fromstrongsunlightandelectronicsignals.

CFS,byitsverynature,makesforatotallysolitarylifewithtrulymassivelimitations.It'sslower.It'sboring.It'swithoutmuchhope.Itcallsforhugereservesofspiritualstrength,self‐compassionandoptimismatatimewhenthebrainisoftenfuzzedupwithfog,andthebodyiscryingoutforhealing.

Weoftencan'tevensocializewith,ortalktoorphoneeachother,aslowenergyandbrainfoglimitallthosewaysofcommunication.Andyet,wecontinueincompleteintelligenceandavidinterestinlifefromthesidelines.

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:CherylB.  

“ME/CFSisaninvisibledisability.Whenyoulookatme,youwon'tseemybrokenaerobicmetabolismthathascostmemymusclestrength,flexibilityandendurance.Youwon'tseethattakingashowerorpreparingasimplemealcausesmetoexceedmyanaerobicthreshold,creatinglacticacidbuild‐up,exhaustionandpain.

Youwon'tseehowmysleepisdisruptedeverynight,restlessandunrefreshing.Youwon'tseethechronicanddebilitatingmuscleandjointpain,headaches,sorethroat.Ortheintolerancetonoise,brightlights,chemicalsandfoodsthatwereeasilytoleratedbeforeME/CFS.Youwon'tseemylostsenseofproductivity,accomplishmentandcontributionthatIgotfromcareerthatIlovedandwassomuchofmyidentity.Ormylostsenseofconnectionwithothersbecausesocializingexceedsmyenergylimits.OrthatIcannolongerbecountedontohelpfamilyorfriendsinneed,orbeanequalpartnerandcompaniontomyhusband.Youcan'tseemyuncertaintyaboutthefuture.Youcan'tseemyheartyearningtolivefully,whilemybodyandbraindeteriorate.Butit'sreal,andit'smyME/CFSstory.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2010:JeanB.“ME/CFSstartedsixyearsago,afterIwaspoisonedwhenmyhousewastreatedfortermites.Iwassosickandalmostdiedfromit.Igotbetterfromthatafterfeelingreallyawfulforamonth,butIcouldn'tdomuchandhadalotofinfections.IhadtoquitworkingatthestorewhereIwasemployed.Ihavehadtolimitmyactivitiesgreatly.

Myhusbandismyonlyfinancialsupport.IwenttomedicaldoctorswhenIfirstgotsick,butIdidn'tgetmuchhelp…Iwastoldtogoseeashrink.Myonlyhelphasbeenmychiropractor

andadoctorthatdoescomprehensiveandintegrativemedicineandsomeresearchonmyown.Insurancedoesn'tcoveranythingthatIhavefoundtobehelpful!Itisaveryfrustratingdiseasewhichstealsawayyourlife.Italsocostsussomuchmoneyindoctorvisitsandtests.Ihavegooddaysandbaddaysandgoodweeksandchallengingweekswiththisdisease.IamabletofunctionathomeanddomostthingsIneedtodo,butanythingthatcausesmealotofstressandpushesmebeyondmystrengthtodoitwillputmedownforafewdays.Idon'thavemanyactivitiesoutsidemyhome.

AtfirstwhenIgotsickIhadtobeinbedandhadnoenergytotakecareofmyselfandevenshoweringorfixingamealwasveryhardtodo.BeforeIgotsick,Iexercisedeverydayforonetotwohours.Idon'thavetheenergyanymoretoexercisesomybodyisgettingmoreunhealthyandoutofshape.Iamgettingmoreinjuriesfrommylackofexercising.Iexperiencealotofheartpressureandtightness.Ihavegonethroughmanytestsonmyheartandnothingshowsup.IhavealsobeentotheERafewtimes.Itryandeatveryhealthy.Ialsotryanddothingsthatkeepmymindoccupied.Ihavefoundmeditationhelpful,andservingothersasmuchasIfeelabletodomakesmefeelhappierandtakesmymindoffofmyhealthchallenges.”

   

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsincechildhood:JennaM.

“IwasdiagnosedwithCFIDS/Fibromyalgiaatage14.Iwentfromdancingfivedaysaweekandcheerleadingtobeingnearlybedriddenforacouplemonths.I'msofortunatetohavefoundafewdiamonddoctorsandIamsomuchbetternow,fiveyearslater.It'sdefinitelystillastrugglesomedays,andIpushmyselfprobablyharderthanIshould,butthat'sjustwhoIam.

Inowattendauniversityandhavebeendoingverywell.Myfatigueisminimal,andtheworstthingsthatactuparemytriggerpoints,

currentlymyhandsandwrists.ButIhavecomesofar.Besidesbeingafull‐timestudent,Iworkinchildcare(whichIabsolutelylove!),workforaprincesscompany(oneofthebestjobsever),andmodel(alsoawesome).Ialsodedicateasmuchtimeaspossibletogivingbacktoothers:IrunmyownserviceeventsandvolunteerwhenIcan.

Ofcoursewithmybusylife,Isometimesgetveryanxiousoroverexertmyselfandhavetotakeastepback,butIaccept(mostofthetime)thatmybodyisnotlikeotherbodies.OtherpeoplemightnotseenorunderstandwhatIamgoingthrough,butthat'sok;theydon'thaveto.OneofmybiggestsourcesofprideishowstrongIhavestayedthroughoutthiswholeprocess.

IfeellikemylifechangedoverthecourseofadaywhenIfirsthadaboutofCFS,leavingmenearlybedriddenformonths.Mybodyhasnotbeenthesamesince.Andit'shard.Ican'tdoeverythingIwant.ButIdoeverythingthatIcan.Ihaveneverletmyillnessgetthebetterofme.Idomybesttokeepmyheadupandkeepapositiveattitude,remindingmyselfthatmyrelapseswillpass,andsomedaysarejustnotasgoodasothers.

Iacknowledgemyillnessbutdonotallowmyselftobesick;sicknessisamindsetthatIwithstandfromaccepting.CFS/FMwillalwaysbeapartofmylife,andIconstantlyhavetoworkaroundthem,butthey'renotstoppingme.

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1983:SuzyDeeD.

“Ifellillin1982afteraboutofglandularfever.Iwas15yearsoldandlittledidIknowthatthefutureIhadplannedinmymindwasnowirrevocablychanged.

Itriedsohardtoconformtowhatmyschoolwanted,Iwasaccusedofmalingering.Iwassenttoapsychiatrist.Idoubtedmyself,butmywonderfulparentsneverdid.

Ieventuallyleftschool,lostmostofmyfriendsandalongwithitahugechunkofmyself‐esteem.SonowIwasill,lonelyandgettingdepressed.Yes,depressionsispartofthisillnessbutripa16‐year‐oldlifeapartandtrynottobealittlesadaboutit.

Ihappilymetacaringyoungmanwhosemumhadlong‐termhealthissueswhocouldseethemebeyondmyME,hereweare31yearslater.Hehasbeenmyrock,mysalvation,myfriend,mylover,receptacleofallmyangerandfrustrationbutnever,evermydetractor.

Ididgetbetter(Iusethattermlightly)Imanagedtoconformtosociety'srules.Iwenttoeveningclasses.Ifoundajob.Ilivedanoutwardlynormallife.Whattherestoftheworlddidn'tseewasthegirlwhowasinbedby8everynight,whosleptmuchoftheweekendalltoenablehertodothe9‐5thingthatwearesupposed(!)todo.DidIhaveabalancedwork/life?Hellno,butwhatelsedoyoudoinaworldwhodoesn'tbelieveyouaresick?!

Ieventuallywentparttimeatworkbecausewewantedtogetpregnantandmytiredbodyjustwouldn'tcooperatewhilstIwasworkingtothepointofconstantexhaustion.I'mdelightedtosaythatin1996Ihadababy,buthowmanymumshavetolettheirthreeweekoldgotostayattheirownmum'shouseonenightaweeksothatthistiredandhurtingbodycouldsleepandrecover?Myrealityversusyours.

Myhealthhashadupsanddownsovertheensuingyearsbutafteraboutofswinefluin2010it'sbeenonthedeclineagain.Ihadtogiveupmylittleparttimejob‐awholeeighthoursaweek‐becauseIwasjustexhaustedandfeelingillallthetime.

PacingismymiddlenamebuttheenergyenvelopewithwhichIcanjuggleisgettingsmallerandasaconsequencemyconcernovermyfutureisgrowing.ThereisnothingIcandotochangeit,maybeonedaytherewillbeabettertreatmentthanthatthatlieswithinourownhands.Wepace,weboomandbustjustsowecanhavemomentsofsnatchednormality.IknowthepriceIhavetopayandsometimesit'sworthit.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1983:PhilC.

“In1983,at22yearsold,Iwasdiagnosedwithspondylolysisandspent11monthsinabackbrace.Afterafewmonths,Ibeganhavingboutsoffever,sorethroat,diarrhea,bronchialandsinusinfection.Becausethebackbracelimitedmyphysicalactivity,mydoctorsbelievedthistobesomeformofmetabolic/immunesystemadjustmenttoamoresedentarylifestyle.

Afterayear,itwasevidentthatnosuchadjustmentwasgoingtohappen.Iwasspendingaboutaweekofeverymonthbedriddenandmostofmyremainingtime

managingintensemusclepain,fatigueandbrainfog.Iconsulteddozensofhealthproviderstonoavail.ManyweretroubledbytheirinabilitytounderstandwhyIwasexperiencingthesesymptoms.Someweredismissive.OneexplainedthatIwasmalingeringandreferredmetoapsychiatrist.In1987,IwasdiagnosedwithChronicFatigueImmuneDysfunctionSyndrome(CFIDS)byDr.AnthonyKomaroff.

IservedaslibrarianandtelephonecounselorfortheMassachusettsCFIDSAssociationforseveralyearsfollowingmydiagnosis.Icontinuedtoworkfull‐time,marriedandhadchildren,strugglingconstantlytomanagetheeffectsofmysymptomsonourfamilylifeandinmywork.Welivedthroughhundredsofcrashes,madeaccommodationsineveryaspectofourlivesandsimplytrudgedthroughthedaytoday,fightingoffthedespairforlackofanyeffectivetreatment.Between1998and2000,mysymptomsbecamemilderandtheneedforbedrestlessfrequent.Eventually,myfamilyandIbegantotalkabouttheillnessinthepasttense.Bewilderedyetgrateful,itwouldremainamysteryhow,after17years,itjustwentaway.

Twelveyearslater,in2012,itreturnedfollowingaboutofpneumonia.Nowin2015,at55yearsold,thephysicalandcognitivechallengesaremoredebilitatingthantheywereinmyyouth.Iamabletoworkonlyparttime..I'vestoppedallcommunityandsocialactivity.Mywife,whohasretired,spendsmostofhertimemanagingourfamilyaffairsandhelpingmemanagemymedicalcare.Iamfortunatetohaveateamofhealthcareprovidersthatcommunicatewithoneanotherandarecommittedtomycare.Theresearchofthepastdecadehashelpedmeidentifypromisingoptionsforsymptomreliefandtopursuediagnosticandtreatmentmethodsaccordingly.Thishasbeenexpensiveandarduous,buthashelpedmetoremainfunctionalandoptimistic.

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing: RonaL. 

“Itwasduringmymid‐20sthatIbecameunwell.ME/CFSwasmyinitialdiagnosis—muchtomysurprise.Ididn'tbelieveinthediagnosissoignoreditandcarriedonwithlife.Myhealthdeterioratedovertime,thoughIcontinuedwithallmyusualtasks.Atage28,theglandsswelledupthroughoutmybody,andthedoctorthoughtImighthaveglandularfever.Iwasusedtoignoringsymptomsatthispoint,andonlywenttoseethedoctorbecausemyrightthighhadswelledupsomuchitcouldn'tfitinmypantsanylonger.Withinweeks,Iwasflattenedandseriousunwell.

Firstly,Iwasdiagnosedwithoveractivethyroid,butmylevelsreturnedtonormalunusuallyfast.BecauseIwas

stillseriouslyunwelldespitenormalthyroidlevels,furthertestingwascarriedout,andIwasdiagnosedwithdysautonomiaalongwiththeCFS/ME.

It'sbeennearlysixyearsandIamclassifiedaspermanentlydisablednow.Imisstheweekendadventureswithmyhusbandanddaughter.Takingwalks.Beingabletogooutbymyself—andbeingabletogooutwhenIchooseorneedto.SoonIwillhavebeendisabledforhalfofmydaughter'slife.Thereweresomanyadventuresforustosharethatwillneverhappen.That'sthethingaboutthisillness.Wegetstuck,almostinstasis...buttimemarchesrelentlesslyon.Childrengrowup;childrenwemighthavedreamedofareneverborn.Marriagesandpartnershipsarechangedforever.Sometimes,webecomepeoplewedon'trecognize.Whoisthisdisabledperson?Istillfeelpropelled,internally.Iamstilldriventolivemylife,togetoutintheworld.

Onlyinmorerecenttimes,afterafortuitousstabilizationofmysymptoms(nohospitalizationsforabouttwoyears—whoopwhoop!)haveIbeenabletoseethevalueinmylifeoncemore.I'vestartedreadingagain(difficult,butpracticeispayingoff).Ifoundacoursetostudyathome,andtheteacherevenvisitsmehere.BecauseIcannolongergetuptoplaythepianowithease,IdidwhatIneverthoughtI'ddo;I'mlearningastringinstrument‐‐theukulele.I'vehearditsaidthatapersoncanneverbesadwhilstplayingtheukulele.I'vemanageditonce—butmostly,I'dsaythisassertionistrue.

Thereisalotofliving,learningandlovingleftformetodo.IhopethatifIeverbecomeextremelyunwellagain,I'llkeepbelievingthat.ButIjustdon'tknow.Atmyworst,theGPsaidmineisoneofthecruelestillnessesshe'severseen.Lifeexcitesme,though.Ienjoymyresponsibilitiesandworkingtowardgoals.Pleasehelpusescapetheconfinesofthisillness.

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2008:ChrisW.

“IbecameillwithME/CFSafteranacute,viral,flu‐likeillnesseightyearsago.Iwas56yearsoldandhadaresponsiblepositioninthefederalgovernment.Withaccommodationsfrommyemployer,Iwasabletoworkfor2‐1/2moreyearsuntilIwaseligibletoretire.But—Ihad

tostoptraveling,eliminatepublicspeaking,workfromhomefrequentlyandreducemyworkloadinordertoremainemployed.

Inthefouryearssincemyretirement,myhealthhasgottenworse.MyPost‐ExertionalFatigueputsseverelimitsonmyphysicalandcognitiveactivities.Ididnotexpecttospendmy60slyingonthecouch.

MyfriendsarefullyengagedinactiveliveswhileIamonthesidelinesfeelingsickmostofthetimewithswollenglands,headache,sorethroat—it’slikehavingtheflu24/7.

Iwantsomeeffectivetreatmentsinmylifetime.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2013:PeterY.

IcamedownwithwhatIthoughtwasthefluinFebruaryof2013.Ineverreallyrecoveredfromitthough,feelingtiredandhavingfrequentheadachesandjointpains.

AtfirstItriedexercisingmore,eatingbetterandgettingmoresunlight,alltonoeffect.InAprilofthatyear,Ifinallywenttothedoctoraboutit.

Longstoryshort,afterseeingseveralhealthcareprofessionalsandbeingprescribedtheusualdrugssuchassteroids,antidepressants,antibiotics,etc.,nothinghelped.IhadmorebloodteststhanIcanremember,asleepstudy,X‐rays,fullbodyscan;alltheycouldfindwashightitersofEpstein‐Barrandaslightlyelevatedwhitebloodcount.Finally,aftersometwoyearsofthis,myrheumatologistdiagnosedCFS.

Iamnowondisability.Ihavetriedallthevarioussupplementsandvitaminsthatpeoplementiononblogsandwebsites,toonumeroustoaccounthere,andnonehelped.Iamencouragedbythestoriesofthosewhohavegottenbetterorimproved,andequallydiscouragedbythestoriesofthosewhohaven't.

Itrynowtoeathealthy,napasneeded,andpacemyself.Minimizingstressisimportantaswell.OnedayatatimeishowIhavetolivenow,andIhopeforthefuturetobedifferent.Igotsickattheageof52,andIamgratefulthatthisdidn'thappenearlierinmylife.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:ElisabethR.“IgotMEwhenIwas15afteraMeningococcalBvaccinetrialinNorway.(Thereareover300peopleinNorwaythathavenowcomeforwardaboutgettingMEafterreceivingthisvaccine).

Iwasaverysportykid,butafterIgotthevaccine,Iwasunabletoattendanysportorschool.Igot

continuallyworse,butnodoctorbelievedmetobeill.

Ittookme15yearsandachangeofcountrytogetadiagnosis,byaverywell‐knowndoctorwhoknowsthisillnesswell:DrRosamundVallingsinNewZealand.Shegavemeallthelatestinformationandgreatsupport.

Iamstillfightingformydiagnosistoberespectedandtogettreatmentinthemedicalandsocialfield24yearsoninNorway.

Seriousbiomedicalresearchisparamount.”

   

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:JillM.  

“AdiseasecalledTTPbeganmydescentintotheworldofSEID.In1998,IwashospitalizedforovertwomonthswithTTP.Iwouldhave13bagsofplasmaexchangedthroughmybodydailyinanefforttoputthediseaseinremission.Icameoutofthatwithconstantfatigue,swollenglandsandsensitivitytostress,lightandnoiseandafoggybrainthatbeganinterruptingmywork.AlthoughIhadamildcaseofSEID,Ireallydidn'tknoworunderstandwhatwashappening.EverydoctorIsawhadnothingtosay.

In2006,IcamedownwithValleyFever,anditwreakedhavoconmyendocrinesystem,givingmemythirdauto‐immunediseasecalledSchmidtsSyndrome.ThisgavemethemoremoderatecaseofSEIDwithepisodesofsevere.Ilostmyhealth,mycareer,myrelationshipandhadtoleavemyhomeof35yearstobenearmyfamilyforsupport.IamdisabledfromSEID,CFIDS,ME.Itdoesn'tmatterwhatyoucallit,itremainsadebilitatingandseverelyisolatingdisease.Itislongpastduethatthewholemedicalcommunityandgovernmentacknowledgethisdiseaseforwhatitis.

PriortothesedevastatingdiseasesandthepermanentSEID,Iwasahealthy,hard‐working,vivaciousindividual.Ilovedlife.AlthoughIstilllovelifeandamgratefulforwhatIhaveandwhatIcandoonagoodday,Istillgrievethelossoflife.Ialsogrievethelackoffundingandtheignoranceofthenumerousdoctorsthathavetraumatizedmewithalackofvalidationandcareorawillingnesstolookintothisdisease.

OnadailybasisIstrugglewithdebilitatingfatigueandjointpain.IhavetousewhatenergyIhavelikeacommodity.SomedaysItradeshowersfordoingmydishesorvisitingfamilyorfriends.SomeweeksarespentinbedrecoveringfromPEM.SomedaysIcanshopandhangoutwithmyfamilybutIalways,alwaysendupbackinbedwithPEM.Thesmallestofthingscantrigger—noise,smell,light,talking.Sometimesit’sasensoryoverload,whichisanewsymptomthisyear.WhatImaybeabletodoonedayleavesmeobliteratedthenext.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2013:KatherineS.

 

“OnFeb.5,2013,IbegantonoticethatIwasfeelingunusuallytired.Iwasafit,healthy21‐year‐old.Withindays,IdevelopedwhatIthoughtwasanordinaryviralinfection,albeitaparticularlynastyone.Mywholebodywasinpain,mythroatwassoreandswollen,andIcouldbarelykeepmyeyesopen.Iexpectedtobebetterinafewdays,aweekatmost,butafewweekslater,Iwasnobetter,andabloodtestconfirmedglandularfever.Iwasinmyfinalyearofuniversityatthetime.

Overthecomingweeks,theworstsymptomsfaded,butIwasstillexhausted,barelyabletowalkwithoutfeelingfaint,andmyheadfeltlikeitwasfilledwithsludge.Ibattledthroughandfinishedmydegree,evenacceptedajoboffer,notevenconsideringthatrecoverywasnoton

theway.Istruggledatwork,andafterafulldayintheofficeIwouldcollapseathome,sometimesjustaboutmanagingtofeedmyselfanddoafewbasictasks.Othertimes,Iwouldjustsleepuntilitwastimetogobacktoworkinthemorning.IfeltlikeIhadnolife.SeveraltimesIwenttomyGPabouthowtiredIwasfeeling,andwasrepeatedlytoldtocomebackifitdidn’tgetbetter.Bloodtestsallcamebacknormal.

MorethanayearhadpassedwhenIdecidedtogobacktouniversity.Ifeltdesperatelyunhappyinmyjob.Icontinuedtostrugglethere,andthedoctorsIsawdecidedIwassimply“depressed.”WhenItriedtoinsistthatmymoodwaslowbecauseIwassotiredthatIcouldn’tdoanythingIwantedtodo,oneeventoldmeIwas“indenial.”IwasintearsbecauseIfeltlikenoonebelievedme,whichonlyseemedtoconfirmtheirassumptions.Theydidn’tseemtounderstandthatIhadplentyofmotivationandenthusiasmforlife(unlikeadepressedperson),Ijustdidn’thavetheenergy.Iwasputonantidepressants,whichnotonlyfailedtotreatmyfatigue,butcausedallkindsofunpleasantsideeffects.

ItwasonlyduetoluckthatIfinallyreceivedhelp.Adoctornewtomerecognizedwhatshewasseeing,andreferredmetothespecialistchronicfatigueservice.Twoandahalfyearsafterbecomingill,Ireceivedadiagnosis.Youwouldn’tthinkbeingdiagnosedwithadebilitatingchronicillnesscouldbeagoodthing,butitwasarelieftofinallyfeellikeIhadbeenunderstood.Adiagnosishasn’tbeentheendofmystruggles,butit’sbeensolongnowthatIhavelearnedhowtopacemyself,limitmyactivitiestoasustainablelevelandcometotermswithlivingthisway.

IamhopefulthatIwillyetrecover.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1971:MaryannR.

“IhavebeenthefaceofME/CFSforover45years.Aftergraduatingfromnursingschoolinthemid‐1960s,ImovedtoHawaii.DuringvisitstomyfamilyinIndiana,Icamedownwiththefluandmeningitis.Thatiswhenitallstarted.BythetimeImarriedin1970andsetupapermanenthomeinHawaii,this"monkey‐on‐my‐back"waswellestablished.

Intheearlyyears,therelapseswereonlytwotothreetimesayear.Theoverwhelmingfatigueandmalaisewouldabate,andliferesumedinanormalway.Butovertheyears,thesymptomscamemorefrequently,lastedlongerandcouldbetriggeredby

evenminimalexertion.Duringexacerbations,Ihavealwaysfeltexactlythesamesincedayone.Theonlyvariabletothefatigueandmalaiseistheseverity:sometimesmild,sometimessevereandeverythinginbetween.

Thestoryofmysearchislikeeveryoneelse's—dozensofdoctors,hundredsofappointments.Thesameoldrefrains:"Well,it'snotkillingyou,"or,"Ifit'sserious,somethingelsewillshowup,"orthemostrepeated,"Areyoudepressed?"Iwaitedpatientlyovertheyears,stillam.Ikeepabreastoftheresearchandinformationthatisknownsofar.AndasIenterintomyseventhdecadeoflife,Icontemplateifthecauseandcurewilleverbeknowninmylifetime.

ME/CSFresultedinabandoningmyprofessionalgoalsofcareeradvancement,obtainingadegreeandworkingfulltime.Iwasforcedtoretireatage62.Mymarriageendedafter40years,andalthoughmyillnesswasnotthecause,I'llneverknowhowmuchitplayedintothedisintegrationoftherelationship.

Ithasseverelylimitedmysociallife.Itcausesthedisappointmentandembarrassmentofyetanothercancellation.DoImakethecommitment,theplans,thereservations,knowingfullwellthatthereisaverygoodchancethatIwillhavetocancelanddisappointnotonlymyself,butthepeopletowhomI'vemadethecommitment?IfI'mlucky,Iwillbeabletoparticipateandenjoyandwillprobablyexertmyself.Butdothememoriesofthosegoodtimesoutweightheconsequencesthatmayputmeinbedforthefollowingdays,weeks,months?It'salwaysagamble.

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince 2002:MelanieP.

“PriortoME/CFS,Iwasanactivemotherwholovedrunningherkids..Iworkedasapreschooldanceteacherandamotivationalspeakerandwriter.WhenIfirstgotsick,mylongtimePCPsearchedeverythingshecouldforacause.IrememberthedayIlookedinhereyesandsaid"Don'ttellmeIhaveChronicFatigueSyndrome...Idon'tbelieveinit."Itwassostigmatizedinthe80s,Iwassureitwasjustapsychologicalproblemforoverworkedpeople.

Fourteenandahalfyearslater,I’vebeentofourout‐of‐statedoctors,theMayoClinicandVanderbiltUniversity.Iamunabletowork;Irarelyleavethehouseandsometimeshaveseveraldaytimehoursinbed.Mycognitiveabilitieshavedeclinedsomuchthatevenwritingthisshortstorytookdays.Idoeverything

right.Ipace,haveasupineexerciseroutineandtreateverysymptompossible,butIcontinuetogetsicker.IfeellikeIhavethefluallofthetime,WeneedresearchforME/CFSbecauseit’stheantithesisofphysicians’knowledgeandtypicaltraining.MygastroparesisrequiresthatIeatlowfiberandstayawayfrommostfruitsandvegetables.MyPOTSrequiresahighsaltdiet,morethanIcanstomach.Botharetheoppositeof“proper”nutrition.Mybodyisintolerantofallphysicalexertion—Ifeelsomuchworse24hourslater,anditcanlastfordaysorevenweeks.Doctorsalwaystelltheirpatientstoexercise.

Mybodyissosensitivetostimulation,thatIhavetousenoisecancelingheadphones,andvisitswithgroupsofpeoplehavebecomeimpossible.Doctorswouldlabelthisanti‐social.Iamsleepyalldayandfighttonotnapaccordingto“propersleephygiene,”butintheevening,asallstimulusdecrease(lights,sound,activity),mybodybecomesmorealert,andIcan’tfallasleep.Iamnotdepressed.Onthecontrary,IamapositivepersonalwayssearchingfornewthingsIcandointhemidstofthishorribleillness.

Doctorswantmetotakeantidepressants.Doctorswantmetotakestimulantstofightthefatigue.Mybodyreactstostimulantswithnohigh,andallcrash.Theymakemesosick.Ontheotherhand,medicationsthatdepressmyANSwakemeupandmakemefeelmoreabletobeactive.Andyet,ifIdo,Icyclebacktotheexertionreaction—onlyit’sstrongerandlongerbecauseIwastrickedbythemedstobemoreactive.Everythingaboutmyillnessisoppositeofwhatdoctorsaretrainedtosayanddotohelpme.Everythingtheytellmetotrymakesmesicker.Ihavebecomeverywearyoftheirideas.Thisiswhyweneedresearch.Thethingsthisillnessdoestomybodydonotfitintoanycurrentlyunderstoodillness.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1995:ChrisW.

 

“In1995,Ibegantoexperienceadeepachinginmyforearms.ItriedtoignoreitasIwentthroughmyday,which,atthattime,wasasastay‐at‐homemomwhowashomeschoolinghertwosons.

Thethrummingpainkeptmeawakenightsforaboutthreeweeks.Shakyandsleep‐deprived,IsawarheumatologistwhodiagnosedmewithFibromyalgia.Duringthatvisit,IwouldhavethefirstofyearlyNuclearAntibodytests,whichtestforautoimmuneactivity.Thistestalwayscomesbackpositive.

JustwhenIthoughtI'dgottentheFibromyalgiaundercontrol,in2001Ilapsedintoabone‐deepfatigue,accompaniedbyflu‐likesymptoms,whichturnedouttobeMononucleosis.ThiskickedoffmyChronicFatigueSyndrome.Iwas41.Iwasinbedforthreemonths.

Mylifehasneverbeenthesamesince.I'vegonefromdoctortodoctor,onlytobetreatedsymptomaticallyforeverythingfromAcidRefluxDisease,migraines,insomnia,deepmuscleandjointpain,depressionandsoon.At50,IdeterminedthatIwouldgobacktocollegetofinishmyundergraduatedegreeinEnglish.Ididso,takingoneortwoclassesatatime.Somehow,IpushedmyselfthroughthefatigueandwasfilledwithpridewhenIwalkedacrossthestagein2012toreceivemydiploma.OnlyahandfulofpeopleknewwhatI'dgonethroughtoearnit.

Sincethen,I'velongedtoworkoutsidethehome,buthavebeenunabletoasmyCFScontinuestodominateeveryaspectofmylife.Evenso,Iamblessedwithadeeplykind,resourcefulandlovinghusband.Myfaithhelpsmeimmensely,andtheloveofmyfamilyisalsoapreciousgift.However,unlessamiracleoccurs,IfearthatlivingwiththedebilitatingfatigueandotherpainfulsymptomsofCFSwillbethethingIlivewithuntilIleavethisearth.

I'mnotsurethatanymajorscientificbreakthroughswillbemadeinmylifetime,andit'ssadtoseesolittlefederalfundinggotowardsresearch.

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:LisaZ.“BeforeIgotmarried,Iwasaveryactive,healthy,socialpersonwithplanstoopenmyownbusiness,getmarriedandtostartafamily.Iwasdiagnosedin1991,onlymonthsaftergettingmarried.Whenwetookourvows,weneverexpectedtohavetodealwith"theworse"partof"forbetterorworse"forquitesometime,butwehadnochoice.Itriedtocontinueworking,buthadamiscarriageandthentroubleconceiving,soIwastolditwaseitheracareerorafamily,soIchosefamily.

Ihadtwohard,complicatedpregnancies,butwasblessedwithtwohealthychildren.IwishI

could'veshownthemmystrong,energetic,hard‐working,funside.ButIwasonlyabletoshowthemmyloving,weakside...bakingforthemwhenIhadtheenergy,readingandplayinggameswiththeminside,insteadofrunningaroundandplayingwiththemoutside,andhardlyeverbeingabletohavetheminvitefriendsoverbecauseitwouldbetoomuchformetohandlewithoutextrahelp.

Istilltothisdaydon'ttalkortellmanypeoplethatIhaveME/CFSbecauseit'stoodifficulttoexplainordefend.Exceptformyimmediatefamily(andeventheydon'tunderstanditalways),Ireallydon'thaveanysupport.Idon'thaveaspecialdoctortotreatmeandhavesurvivedsolelyonpacingmyselfandtryingtoliveashealthyofalifestyleaspossible,withinmylimits.

IknowIammuchluckierthanmanypeoplewithME/CFS,Iamnotbed‐orchair‐bound,butIstillmournthelifeIcould'vehad,theincomeIcould'vehadandthefriendsthatI'velostalongthewaysinceI'vehadtoliveaveryunsociallifestyle.IamveryangrythatME/CFSisnotmorerecognizedandthatI'membarrassedtotellpeoplethatIhaveitbecauseI'mafraidofhowtheywillreactandIdon'thavetheenergyorbrainpowertoexplainanddefendmyillnesstothem.Ifonlypeople(andsomedoctors)wouldunderstandandtreatusthesameastheywouldifwetoldthemwehadMSorLupus,oranyotherrecognizedillness...”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:ConnieF.“Asaformerlettercarrier,IknowthatnotgettingenoughexerciseisnotthereasonwhyIcamedownwithCFS/ME.FeelinglikeIhadthefluforweeks,thenmonths,whiledoctorskepttellingmenothingwaswrongcontinueduntilIwasledtoarheumatologistwhocoulddiagnosemeproperly.AlthoughthatsamedoctorwasabletoprescribewhatIcallmymiraclemedicineseveralyearslater,theBusparIamnowtakingregularlyhasnotcuredme.Lifeismorebearable,though,asIstruggletokeepapart‐timejobtosupplementmydisabilityincome.

SinceIhavealwaysbeensingle,Iamsolelyresponsiblefortakingcareofmyself.ThisisespeciallyhardwhenIcomedownwithseasonalcoldsorflus,seeingasIstillhavetodoallmyowngroceryshoppingandcleaning.

Itissohardtonotbejealousofotherswhohavehusbandswholetthemstayhomeinbedtotakecareofthemselves.Ioftenwishthatthislifewouldbeoveralready,asitissodifficult.ButIdohavemanyfriendsandfamilywhohelptomakeitworthlivingdaytoday.Also,thereisalwayshopethatsomedaysomeonewillfindacureduringmylifetime.Ifthathappens,Iwouldnotwanttohavemissedit!

Probablythehardestpartofmanagingthisillnessisdealingwiththeattitudesofmanyofthosearoundwhothinkyouhaveitmadeworkingpart‐time,believingthatyouarehealthyenoughtoworkfull‐time.Manytimes,Icomehomefromwork,feedmyselfsomethingfordinner,evenifitisjustcerealandcollapseforthenight.Sincepeopleonlyseemeatmybest,beingthatIonlycomeoutwhenIamfeelingwellenough,theythinkIamlikethatallday.Therealityisthatmuchofmytimeisspentrecuperatingfrombeingoutandabout.

IwasthinandinexcellenthealthwhenIbecameill.NowIamoverweightandseemtoalwaysbedealingwithsomethingattackingmyimmunesystem..Itisveryhardtokeepsmilingwhenyouneverfeelreallygood,butIcertainlydokeeptrying.Icontinuetomakeplansformyfuture,allthewhileknowingthatthoseplanscouldchangeinaheartbeatduetohowIamfaringonanygivenday.Intheend,though,isn'tthatwhatallofusmustcometogripswith?Ijusthavetodealwithitdaily.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1994:SusanR.

 

“Mystorybeginsin1994.Iwas29atthetime.Iwasamothertoabeautifuldaughterandmarriedtomyhighschoolsweetheart.IworkedfulltimeinthehealthcareindustryandinstructedaerobicclassesatthelocalYMCA.Ilovedtheoutdoors.

IawokeonemorninginAprilwithahighfever,swollenglands,chillsand"brainfog."IthoughtIhadtheflu,butitneverleft.Iwasexhaustedallthetime.FormonthsIsoughtthehelpofnumerousdoctorswhocheckedmeforeverythingfromCatScratchFevertoLupus,Lymphoma,MS,ThyroidDisease,...thelistgoeson.Needlesstosay,theyneverfiguredoutwhatwaswrong,andIwasfinallydiagnosedwithCFSin1996.Mydoctorwasuselessinhelpingmewithmysymptoms.

IhaddisabilityinsurancethatdeclinedtopaymybenefitsifIdidnotsubmittoneuropsychiatrictestingbecauseofmyCFSdiagnosis.Iwasforcedtoworkpart‐timeandgiveupmyaerobicinstructorjob.IwasultimatelydischargedfrommyemployerwhomIgave20yearsofmylifeto.

Wealmostlosteverythingweworkedsohardfor.Andtheimpactwasworseformyfamily,whodidn'tunderstandthisillness,watchedmesufferandcoulddonothingtohelpme.Thepsychologicalimpactonmewasalmostunbearable.ManypeopleIlovedquestionedmydebilitatingillness.Ifeltlikeafailureandasmydoctorsaid"well,youwon'tdiefromit."No,Ihavenotdiedfromitbutattimes,IwishedIwouldhave,evennow.

InMay2000,Isufferedart.thalamicstroke.Ihavedeficitsthataffectmyleftside.In2006,IdiscoveredapositiveLymetestperformedduringmyhospitalizationforthestrokein2000.IwasnevertreatedfortheLymeDisease.So,Ihavetwohighlycontroversialdiseases.IbelievethatwewillfindalinkbetweenCSFandachronic,untreatedviralinfection(ie:EpsteinBarrvirus,Mononucleosis,LymeDisease,etc).

Iwantpeopletounderstandthatwearenotlazy—thisisnotallinourheadsorfabricated—thisisrealandnotmadeup.Wehavesuchadifficulttimegettingthroughourday.Weneedadvocatestospeakforusbecausewearetoosicktofightandspeakforourselves.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2005:ParisA.

“Imaginethatyouhavetheflu.You'resoexhaustedthatwalkingfeelslikeyou'removingthroughquicksand.Yourwholebodyaches.Yourmindisfoggy,andit'shardtoconcentrateonanything.Everysysteminyourbodyisoffinsomeway—joints,muscles,brain,digestion—everything.

Eventhoughyou'renotwell,youhaveameetingtodaysoyouhavetogotowork.Youdragyourexhausted,achingbodyoutofbed,andbysomemiracleyoumanagetogettotheoffice.Alldayyoushufflealong,secretlyprayingthedaywillgofastersoyoucangohome

andgotobed.Therefreshingsleepyouneedtofeelbetterbecomesthethingyoudaydreamaboutalldaylong.Finallyyougohome.Butwhenyougettobed,youcan'tfallasleep—theultimateirony.Youliethereknowingifyoucouldonlygetsomesleepyou'dfeelsomuchbetter,knowingtomorrowyouhavetogetupanddoitallagain,andwonderinghowyou'llmanage.Nowinsteadofoneday,imaginethatisyourentirelife.Everyday.

That'smylife.It'sbeenthatwayfor11years.Mylifewentfromactive,socialandhopefultosedentary,isolatedandlonely.Somedaysarebetterthanothers.SinceIfirstgotsickIhavecomealongwaybecauseI'velearnedhowtolivewithinmyenergyenvelopeandmanagemysymptoms.

ButeverydayIamsick.EverydayIdealwithfatiguethatpullsmedown.EverydayIaminpain.EverydayImournthelifeIcouldhavehad,shouldhavehad.Myentireliferevolvesaroundthisdisease.Andtheaccompanyingdepressionmakesithardtoimaginethatitwillevergetbetter.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:TiffanyL.

“It'shardlivingwithaninvisibleillnessthatnotmanypeopleunderstand(letalonebelieve),hasnoknowncauseorcure,andnoeffectivetreatments.BeforeCFS,Ihadgiantgoals:getmyPhD,haveababy,gaintenureatmyuniversity,makeanameformyselfinmyfield,etc.IcompletedmyPhDandgavebirthtomysweetlittlegirljustbeforegettingreallysick,butI'vehadtoadjusteverythingelse.Thisdiseasehasrobbedmeoflotsofthingslikeacleanhouse,anactivesociallife,advancementinmycareer,hobbiesandmuchmore.ButI'velearnedtore‐prioritize,andI'vecometoaplaceofdeepappreciationforthethingsIcanstilldo.Iteachatauniversity,butI'mnolongerseekingtenure.ThatmeansImakealittle

lessmoneybutIhavealotofflexibilityinmyscheduleandoverallmuchlessstress.Manyofmyclassesareonline,soit'sverymanageablewiththisdisease.AndItrulylovemyjob.AndIhavemybeautifuldaughterandasweetwonderfulmanwhoisveryunderstandingandnevermakesmefeelguiltyaboutnotdoingenougharoundthehouse.Andpets!Thethreeofusareanimalloversandspendlotsoftimelivingoursweetpets.YesIhavechallenges,dailypain,heavyfatigueandawholehostofothersymptomsthathaveforcedmetoslowdowntoasnail'space,butIhavealifefulloflove.AndIamgrateful.AndIamhappy.Whenthingsgetreallyhard,Iremindmyselfto"lookforthelove."Becauseit'severywhere.Icanalwaysfinditinmychild'seyes,inawarmhug,inacat'spurr,andinmyFacebooksupportgroups.Icanfinditatmydaughter'sschoolwhenIseechildrenhuggingtheirparentsgoodbyeeachmorning.IcanfinditonTVwhenIwatchaninspiringdocumentaryorgoodindiefilm.It'sinmusicandart.Thereitisagainwhenmyneighborwavestomeandoffersakindsmile.Loveissimple,it'severywhere,andembracingitisapowerfuldefenseagainstthedarknessofthisdebilitatingdisease.Formanyyears,Iwasdepressed.Severelydepressed.DepressionisadarkandscaryplacetowhichIneverwanttoreturn.Withtherightantidepressants,theuseofmedicinalmarijuanaandfindingagoodtherapist,Iwasabletopullthrough.It'sstrangehowlifeworks.Ihatethisdisease,Ihatemychronicmigraines,andIhatedepression.Andyetit's100%becauseofthisjourneythatIhavesomuchgratitudeandloveandjoyinmyheart.I'veboileddownmyprioritiestoonlywhatisabsolutelymostimportant.Andthat'showIalwayswanttolivelife,withorwithoutchronicillness.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1980:BillJ.“IcamehomefromworkonDec.8,1980,feelingsickfromaflu‐likevirus.Iwasoutsickfortwoweeks,beforelimpingbacktoworkforthelastofthemonth,butneverfeltthesameagain.ByMayof1981,IdevelopedafullblowncaseofwhatlaterbecameknownasCFS.Iwasbedriddenforasolidweekuntilthedebilitatingfatigueletup.Ilaterlostmyjob,andstruggledtofindsomekindofworkIcouldstilldo,evengoingtoabusinessschoolfortraining.Afterwards,Igotajobinthecompositionroomatourdaily

newspaper,butlastedlessthantwomonthsuntilIbecametootiredtodothejobandwasletgo.Atthatpoint,IneededtoapplyforSocialSecurityDisability.First,Ihadtotrytofindoutwhatwaswrongwithmephysically.Ihadtogotoalocalcommunityhospitalclinictostartthetests,sinceIhadneithermoneynorinsurance.Astherewasnonameforthemaladyatthattime,SocialSecuritykeptturningmedown,andIhadtokeepappealingmycase.IttookfouryearsoftestinguntilIwasfinallydiagnosedwithCFS,andIcouldgetapprovedfordisability,thoughmyappealswentallthewaytotheU.S.DistrictCourtofAppeals,justshortoftheU.S.SupremeCourtlevel.

Duringthistime,Ihadtomoveinwithfriendsforayear.Afterthat,Imanagedtofindanapartmentthatwasincome‐based,andmy"income"fromwelfarewassolowthatnotonlydidInothavetopayrent,Iwouldgototheapartmentofficeeachmonthtoreceiveutilitypaymentassistance.

BeingabletofinallyqualifyforSocialSecurityDisabilitypaymentshasbeenablessing,butittookSOlongtogetthem.I'mnowgoingon62,andhaven'tworkedsincethe1980s.”

 

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1986:AnneB.

 

“IhavebeensufferingfromCFSforalmost30years.I'maloneinlifeandhavetosupportmyself,soprettymuchanyenergyIcandrumupinadayisspentonworking,withlittleornothingleftforthosethingsthatmakelifewonderful—family,friends,hobbies,love.Iusedtosewandmakemostofmyownclothes.Nomore.Iusedtoactandsingincommunitytheater,operaandbands.Nomore.Iusedtodraw.Nomore.Iusedtotakeeveningclassesinlanguages,art,andastronomy.Nomore.

MyeveningsarenowspentwatchingTV,readinganddoingpuzzles.I'mboredwithsolittlestimulation.WeekendsaretheonlytimeI'mabletodoerrandsorchores;Ihavetotriagethemverycarefully.Buyinggroceriesgetsdonebecauseithasto.Vacuumingdoesnot.Ishower(sittingdown)nomorethanonceaweek.

SinceIlookfine,peoplearereluctanttobelievethatI'msickandwilltellme,"everyonegetstired!"Theydon'tunderstand—Idon't"gettired."I'mneverNOTtired.Thinkaboutatypicaldayformostpeople:You'reupat6,makebreakfastforthefamily,getthekidsofftoschool,gotowork,takethekidstosoccer/piano/danceintheafternoon,comehomeandmakedinner,helpthekidswiththeirhomework,getthemofftobed,throwinacoupleofloadsoflaundry,andfinally,finally,fallontothecouchexhausted.Thinkabouthowyoufeelatthatpoint.That'showIfeelwhenIwakeupinthemorning,exceptnowIhavetogetthroughanentireday.

Oh,yes,I'veappliedfordisability,unsuccessfully.Ijustneedtokeepapplyinguntilapproved,butit'salengthy,energy‐consumingprocess,andI'MTOOTIRED!Ithinkaboutsuicideeverysingleday.What'sthepointofcontinuing,whenlifeisallstruggleandnoreward?Yes,I'mdepressed.Wouldn'tyoube?”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince 1993:TammiR.

“WhenIwasinmymid‐20s,myfamilywentonaFloridavacation.Wehadagreatweekofswimming,shoppingandeatingseafood!Onthewayhome,Istartedfeelingveryill.Overthenextfourdays,Igotsickerandmyfeverrose.Doctorsdiscoveredthatmycolonwasswollentwiceitsnormalsize,andIwashospitalizedforseveraldays.TheydeducedthatIhadanunidentifiedintestinalvirus.Ididn’tfeelwellforalongtimeandwheneverIexperiencedstressIfeltexhausted.Afteracoupledaysofbedrest,Iseemedtorecover.Atage30,myillnessbecamechronic,andIwaseither

bedorcouch‐boundforayear,unabletoevenrideinacar.Thankfully,myhealthimprovedafterayearandIwasabletoworkpart‐timeforthreeyears.IreallyenjoyedthispositionandwasabletoworkbecauseIlivedathome,andmymomdidmostofthecookingandcleaning.IattendedaBiblestudyduringthistimeandmetmyhusband.Wemarriedin1996.Myhealthdeclineagainafterthreeyearsofworkingpart‐time,soIquitmyjob.Ihavebeenahomemakerforalmost18years.In2000,aftermysecondrelapse,Ibecamemostlyhousebound.Iwasunabletodriveorcook.Icrawledaroundourhousewearingmyhusband’svolleyballkneepadsfor10monthsbecauseIdidn’thavetheenergytowalk.

 

In2001,IqualifiedforastudywiththeexperimentaldrugAmpligen.SomeonedrovemetoCharlottetwiceweeklyforthreeyears.Iwentfrom10%functioningabilityandinawheelchairto65%andbeingabletowalkagainforshortdistancesby2003.Myhealthstayedatthislevelforafewyearsandthenbegantodeclineagainin2007.

 

Iamcurrentlystillonthisdrug.ME/CFSandPosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome(POTS)havelargelytakenawaymanythingsIenjoyinlife;anythinginvolvingconcentrationorbrainenergyisimprovingfromAmpligen,butisstillverylimited.Forthelastseveralyears,mytravelhasbeenlimitedtowithinatwo‐hourradiusofourhome.Thankfully,theAmpligeninfusionsareslowlyhelpingmycognitiveandenergysymptoms,however,thehardestpartisgettingpeopletobelievehowillIambecauseIlooksonormal.IhavesufferedwithME/CFSfor23yearsnow.”

 

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince 1968:MerryS.“Mylasttwoyearsofhighschool—1968‐1970—Iwasunwellallthetimeandinandoutofthehospitalfortests.Atonepoint,Iwasdiagnosedwithesophagitis,laterwithaseverekidneyinfection.Duringthesecondyear,afteramonthofheadacheandfevereveryday,Iconsultedadoctoragain.HewassosurethatIhadaterminaldiseaseoftheconnectivetissuethatheranthetestfivetimes.Everytimethetestwasnegative.Iwassenthomewithadiagnosisofaviralinfection—virusunknown—andaprescriptionforanantidepressant.Somyillness,whichyearslaterIcametoknowasME/CFSbeganwhenIwasateenager.MyexperiencewithME/CFS

began,however,muchearlierthanmyteens,becausemotherwasill.Althoughshewasneverdiagnosed,IhaveabsolutelynodoubtthatshesufferedfromME/CFS.Idon'tremembermymotheraseverwell.Shespentmuchofhertimeasleeponthecouch.

Mmyhealthdidimproveafterhighschool,andIthoughtofmyselfasgenerallyhealthy,butinretrospectIrealizethatIdismissedsymptomsandcutbackonactivities.Mycircleoffriendswassmallerthanithadbeeninhighschool.Ididn'tparticipateinextra‐curricularactivities.Ididn'trespondtotheinvitationtoenrollinHonorsCollege.

Theyearaftergraduationfromcollege,Iworkedinafactory,andalthoughthejobwaslightpacking,itwastoohardforme.Ifeltmoreandmorerundown.FinallyIgotsickwithaterriblesorethroat,achingjoints,etc.

Symptomswaxedandwanedduringthenextcoupleofyears.Somedays,weekseven,Iactuallyfeltok.MyhealthdeclinedagainwhenItriedtogotograduateschoolandafterthatwhenIwasworkingasatechnicalwriter.

Thenthesummerof1988Iwasveryill.LaterIwouldthinkthatImust'vehadhepatitis.Idon'tknow.OnedayasIlayinbed,IthoughtIsawDeathsittingatmycomputer.SincethatsummerIhavenotbeenwelloneday.

In1990IgotadiagnosisofCFS.Myhealthhascontinuedtodeclineastheyearshavegoneby.Sinceamajorcrashinthefallof2009I'vehadtospendmostofmytimeinbed.Iamnow63andclosetotheagemymotherwaswhenshedied.Ihopemylifeisalmostover.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2008:HelenK.

“Eightyearsago,Ibecameillwithmonoattheageof52.Aftersixmonthsofexhaustion,mydoctorstatedIhadchronicfatiguesyndrome.SixmonthsafterthatIwastoldIhavefibro.Imissedsomuchwork.IamanRN.IamoutondisabilityasIwasnotabletoworkenough.Welostourhomebecausewecouldn'tpaythemortgage.OurincomeisaboutathirdofwhatIwasmakingpriortobecomingill!Ican'tcleanmyapartmentthewayitshouldbe,Ican'tcookthewayIusedto.

WehaveverylittleintimacyasIhavenodesire.Ihavesensitivitytolights,soundandsomematerialsandscents.IalsohaveIBS,Icryeasily.Ihavetroublesleeping,whichaffectsmyawaketime.ThispastwinterIwasinbedforovertwomonthsasmybodycrashedagain,andIcamedownwithbronchitis.AndIcouldnotfightitoff.IalsohaveCOPD.

IamnotthegrandmotherIwanttobe.Ioftendon'twanttoseethebabiesortheolderones.Idon'tbakeforthemlikeIusedtodo,simplethings.Ihavenodesire.Anddon'tletmeforgetthesimplethingslikerememberingtoshutthestoveoffwhenItakethepotsoff.OrhowtomakeamealthatI’vemadeathousandtimes.Ordrivingtothegrocerystoreandforgettingwhereorhowtogetthere.Veryfrightening.OrwalkingacrosstheroomandlookinglikeI'vebeendrinkingalcoholallday,Iwobbleandlosemybalancedaily.

Igetoutdailyinthesummertimethepainismuchmoremanageableformeinthesummer.Thewintercanbeintolerableformewiththeconstantchangesinthebarometer.Ialsohavetroubleconcentrating,ifIamonthephonewithsomeone,afterafewminutes,it’sasthoughIdon'thearthem,Iamblank.Thismakesmenotspeakonthephone.AndIisolate.IfeellikeIamnotagoodfriendorwifeofmothertomyfamilyandfriends.Mostunderstand,butthentheyreallydon't.Sotosaymylifehaschangedisanunderstatement.Imissmyself,myjob,mylife...”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1981:JanB.“Iam63,a35‐yearsurvivorofME/CFS.Iamhomebound,onlyleavinghomeformedicalappointments.Ibelongtothe25%ofpeoplewithME/CFSintheseverelyaffectedrange.Priortobecomingill,Ihadabusyfulfillinglifeasasinglemother.Iworkedtwojobs:a20‐yearcareerinthementalhealthfieldandapart‐timejob.Ivolunteeredinmycommunity.Ienjoyedwateraerobicsandplayedsoftballandbasketballatthelocalrecreationcenter.Ialsoswam,playedtennisandrodehorses.

In1981,Icouldn'tseemtorecoverfromaparticularlysevereboutofflu.Iwasexhausted,hadtoquitmypart‐timejob,stopvolunteeractivitiesandcurtailmylifetobarenecessities.Ispentmostofmytimeawayfrom

workinbed.Thesymptomshavewaxedandwanedsince,nevercompletelydisappearing.Especiallyhardtodealwitharethe:constantmuscle/jointpain,post‐exertionalmalaiseandcognitivedifficulties(wordfinding),short‐termmemoryloss,extremeexhaustionaftermentaleffort,neuropathy,severepain/numbnessinmyfeetandhands,lossofsensation,photosensitivity,verypoorbalance.Iuseacaneorwalker.Ihaveorthostaticintolerance,onlyabletostanduprightfortwotothreeminutesatatime.

ThetermfatigueisinadequatetodescribetheweightedinabilitytomoveorfunctionthatIfeeleverymomentofmylife.

MylifesincehavingCFShasbeencyclesofrelapseandremission.Witheachcycle,relapsehasextendedandworsened.Itriedcognitivebehaviortherapy(CBT)andgradedexercisetherapy(GET)treatmentthatacceleratedtheprogressionofME/CFSandcausedlossoffunctioningthatIneverregained.

By2006,Iwashouseboundandalmostcompletelybedridden.Iwasn'tabletoconsistentlykeepmedicalappointments.Overtime,Ihaveimprovedenoughtotakecareofmypersonalneedsandattenddoctorappointments.Irequireassistancewithgroceryshoppingandhousecleaning.Ineedoxygen24/7(neversmoked)anduseawalkerorcaneformobility.

Ileftmycareerin1995andwasapprovedforSSDIin1999.Mypoorhealthcausedmetosellmyhomeof33years.Iwasoncetoldbyawomanthatwatchingmeworsenwaslikewatchingmefadeintoaghostbeforehereyes,aTechnicolorpicturefadingtoblurredblackandwhite.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince1992:BrieA.“Asayoungster,Iwasamusician,wontwobronzemedalsinJuniorOlympicNationalsforswimmingandwasagoodstudent.Iwashappyandplayful.Asalicensedpsychotherapist,Ihadasuccessfulprivatepractice.Ibecameillwithaflu‐likevirusattheageof24.Idevelopedunrelentingfatigue,jointpain,swollenlymphglandsandsevereheadaches.Iendeduponshort‐termdisabilityforayear.Iwouldsitonthefloorandtrytoholdahairdryer,butmyarmscouldn'tholditformorethanaminute.IwasdiagnosedwithCFS,buteveryonethoughtitwasjustinmyhead.Ihaveaverystrongwillandbegantofeelbetter,thoughneverfeltasgoodasbeforemyillness.

Formanyyears,thesymptomswouldwaxandwane.Iaccommodatedandhidmyillnessfairlywell.Iworkedpart‐timeandwouldsleepontheweekends.Givingupwasneveranoption.Iwasraisedwiththemantra"Whateverthemindcanconceiveandbelieve,itcanachieve."Mypartnerstarteddoingmoreandmore.Prettysoon,shewasdoingallthecooking,cleaninganderrands.IwasusingwhatlittleenergyIhadtokeepworking.Ihadtotakea"sabbatical"foreightmonthsin2003.Wecouldn'taffordformetoquitworkingpart‐time,soIreturnedtomyprivatepractice.IhadstoppedsocializingbecauseIneverhadtheenergy.I'vehadthisdiseasefor24years.Thesymptomshavechangedabit,andI'vegottenreallygoodathidingit.Ievenlearnedhowtodetachfrommybodysoasnottofeelthepain.LastyearwasITforme....Icouldn'tcontinueworking.NothingItriedhelped....Ifinallyreachedmybreakingpoint.Ineverknewthiswasaprogressivedisease,butitis.Inowhaveaneurologicaldisorder.Testingrevealedsevereabnormalities.Attheageof47,Isometimesgetlostgoingtofamiliarplaces,can'tfindtherightword,andhavedifficultywithcalculations/puzzles/orsimplyunderstandingwhatsomeonesays.MyCPETtestingshowsthatonacellularlevel,Idon'thaveenoughenergytodosimpletasks(washingthedishes,vacuuming).IwentondisabilityinOctober2014.ItriedtoreturntoworkinJanuary2015,butonlylastedsixweeks.Inowreceivelong‐termdisability,butthecompanysaysIhavetoproveIamstilldisabledaftertwoyears.Idon'thavegoodmedicalcarebecausetherearenodoctorsinmyareathatareeveninterestedinlearningaboutthisdisease.Patientslikemereallyneedtwothings:1.)Understandingandacceptanceofthisdiseasebythemedicalcommunityandthepublic(anewnametoo);2.)Researchtoinvestintreatment.PleaseHelp!!”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missing:DonnaW. 

“Wehadawonderfullife.Wewereraisingtwoactivegirlswithbusyscheduleseverydayoftheweek.WhenIfirstgotME/CFS,IdidnotknowwhyIdidnotfeelwellanylonger.Asmychildrengrew,eachyearbecomemoredifficulttokeepupwithworking,takingcareofourhome,attendingallthegirls’sportingevents,cooking,volunteerwork,attendingchurchandhavingenergytoenjoylifewithmyfamily.Iwenttothedoctor,butreceivednoanswers.

After10yearsoflivingthisway,Ibecameevenworse.ThedayIwasfinallyforcedtoadmittomy

husbandthatIneededhelpwithourhouseholdwasembarrassingforme.IamblessedthatheunderstoodthatIwaspushingwithallmymighttobeagoodmother,wifeandcontributingmemberofsociety.Wehavenowhadtopayforhomehelpforthepast10years.ThepartthathurtthemostwaswhenIgotsobadthatIcouldnolongerleavethehousetodothingswithmychildren.Theywererobbedofsomanythingsthattheydeservedtoexperiencewiththeirmother.

ME/CFSslowlystoleourlives.Therewerenolongerfamilyoutingsorphysicaloutdoorplaytogether.Mygirlsmissedmypresenceeveryday.By2003,Ihadtostayinbedeveryafternoonandmostoftheevening.ThiswashowIlivedeveryday,andmyfamilymissedmeasmuchasImissedthem.In2009,ME/CFSrenderedmecompletelybedridden.Myamazinghusbandhadtohelpbathme,dressmeandblowdrymyhairsoIcouldcollapseinbedwhenhewasdone.

Wefeellikewehavelosteverything.Normallifedoesnotlivehere.Nomoreeatingoutashusbandandwife.Nomoreentertainingorenjoyingfriends.Theonlywaymyfamilyoranyonecouldseemeistobrieflyvisitmybedside.ThisyearImissedthebirthsofmyfirsttwograndchildren.Icannotevenholdthem.Livingthiswayisheartbreakingforeveryoneinourfamily.Funerals,birthdaysandholidays,foreachonemyfamilyisthere,andIamstuckhereinbedALONE.EatingChristmasdinneraloneshouldnothappen.Pleasehelpallofuswhoarelivinginisolationwithnohopeforafutureoralife.”

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsincechildhood:AimeeL.

“ForaslongasIcanremember,Ihavestruggledwithdepletedenergylevels.Iusedtoloseconcentrationinschoolfartooeasilyandcouldsometimesfindthesmallestamountofphysicalexertionexhausting.Ofcourse,Iwasjustlabeledbythosearoundmeatthetimeaslazy;thefactthatIhavealwaysbeenoverweightdidnotdomuchformeeither,ifIamhonest.

Ittookovertwoyears,varioustests,andfailedmedicationformetofinallygetthediagnosisIhadbeensearchingfor:Iwassufferingfrommyalgicencephalomyelitis(ME).

Ithasonlybeen10monthssinceIgotmydiagnosisandinthattimemyhealthhas

plummeted.Ihadtogooffsickfrommyjob,onlytothenhavetoleavealltogetherwhichwasheartbreaking.Thepaininmyjointshasworsened;Icannotwalkwithoutusingmywalkingstick,andIneedaperchingstooltohelpmecarryoutsimpletasks.Thisillnesshasseverelyloweredmyqualityoflifeanditmakesmesoangrythatithasmanagedtodoitsoeasily.

Iusedtowalkeverywhere.Now,IamluckyifIcanmakeittomylocalsupermarket2minutesdowntheroad.

Ilovetoread;Iamamassivebookworm.Now,Icannotmakeitthroughaparagraphanymorewithouthavingtogobacktorereaditbecausetheinformationisjustnotgoingin.

And,Iusedtosing.MyGod,didIloveit!Mywayofescapinganythingandeverythingwastosing.Now,Ibarelyhaveenoughbreathinmetoformacoherentsentence–andthatiswithouthavingtostayonmyfeetfor3‐5minutes.

Ithinkthemostheartbreakingpartformeisthattheillnesshasstolenwhatmymarriageshouldhavebeen.MyhusbandandIweresupposedtogooutintotheworld,experiencethings,andlivetothefullest.Now,weareluckyifIhaveenoughenergyorthepainhassubsidedenoughformetobeabletogetoffthesofatohelpwithtea.

Mybigwake‐upcallwasfallingtryingtogetoutofthebath.Iamnottheablebodied26‐year‐oldIshouldbeandthatisadevastatingthingtocometotermswith.

Humans of ME/CFS | Solve ME/CFS Initiative

Missingsince2000:MaryB.

“I was diagnosed with ME/CFS in September 2004. Six years prior to that, I had pneumonia and was in the hospital for a few days. I stayed home for three months with intense and overwhelming fatigue. Eventually, I got better and went back to work. But two years later, I went through the same exact scenario. I got a bad infection and took antibiotics. This time, the fatigue came and did not leave.

I tried working for a year; my Director of Nursing was so amazing and willing to work with me as much as she could. Eventually, I was down to 4 hours/week and even that was too much. My personal physician said it was time to stop. That was one of the most difficult days

for me in my life. I loved nursing and having to give it up was heartbreaking. I kept up my license because I thought I would get better. The changes were life-altering.

My husband took over most chores. It changed his life as well, obviously. All my kids were grown by now and out of the house but very supportive.

This is such an isolating disease. I am alone most of the time. I pace myself throughout the day. Mornings are better for me so that is when I try to get out to grocery shop or run an errand or two. I can load and unload the dishwasher or washer and dryer. I can cook easy meals and make the bed. Besides that my husband does everything else.

If a trip is planned, it needs much advance planning and rest ahead of time. Naps are incorporated into each day. Upon return, it takes weeks to catch up to where I was before the trip. If I become ill, I am really down and out; it takes much longer to recover due to this disease. I try so hard not to get ill. During flu season I try not to go out at all. My husband does the shopping and errand running. I know fairly well what I can and can't do, but there are days that I try to push and do more… and pay the price.

I get 'brain fog'. My words do not come out right. My husband John is my lifesaver, along with my incredible doctor who understands this disease. I count on her and know she will help when I need it. This disease has totally changed our lives and I pray for a cure someday soon!

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