milk crusade
Post on 12-May-2015
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MILK CRUSADE
The Adventure of You, Hung-over seeker of food.
Don’t ruin it for yourself, view slideshow now.
THE WAKE-UPThe bed is comfy. You roll on your side for
an extra five minutes of sleep until you
realise there are no blinds to stop the
blinding light of the morning scorching your
eyes, the confusion that accompanies this
only intensifies your headache and your
stomach is making sounds. You are not sure
if you are hungry or about to shit the bed.
That’s strange you think, your bedroom
always had blinds.
Alas, you’re not in your house anymore.
Check the Fridge
Shit the Bed
THE FRIDGE
Does this person buy only unbranded
things? Look how organised everything
is. Who owns this place? What is bleach
doing in place of the milk?
These questions are too much for your
dazed state.
You begin to pour yourself a tall, cool
glass of bleach before you realise that
there’s enough stuff here for an
omelette. But you need milk. No other
options.
YOU NEED THIS.
Go to the store
SHIT THE BED
Oh wow. Jesus-Fucking-Christ.
You shit the bed.
This isn’t even your bed.
Your headache alleviates and
you feel a little better. You can
clean this mess up later. Right
now you’re pretty hungry.
Go to Fridge
OH MAN FUCK THESE KIDS
They’re talking in fucking annoying
voices. God damn it you hate them
so fucking much. They’re so
fucking loud.
The two girls are talking at the
same time. This looks really
familiar but you just don’t care
right now, but those girls should
know better than to talk to losers
on tricycles who don’t own Green
Machines.Ignore them and go to the store
Tease the children
THE STREET
Oh man, there’s a 7/11 right
next to the apartment. This
person must be pretty
loaded. Look at all those
scooters. How metropolitan.
Maybe we could get some
better milk at the
supermarket though. 7/11
usually the Use-By date
concealed by a layer of thick
black marker.
Take your chances and go to 7/11
Walk to the supermarket
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Here you were teasing the
children and out of nowhere
they started calling you ‘Gay’
over and over in unison. This
brought back memories of your
childhood and was the last thing
you remember before you
blacked out and woke up to this.
Did you do it? Best not to stick
around and find out.Casually head to the store
Check for witnesses
WITNESSES
What the fuck is that thing?
Nope, lets get right the fuck
out of here. You tell the guy
he looks dapper and Man-
Bear-Pig that he’s doing ok
at whatever he’s doing and
head on your way.
It’s time to go to the store.
Go to the store
7/11
Look at those soulless eyes.
That monobrow. That
overpowering cologne. That
ethnicity you can’t quite put
your finger on.
In an accented monotone he
asks if that is all. Milk’s all
you really want right now.
Leave with the strange smelling milk
THE SUPERMARKET
Man this place is so neat.
Everything is so easy to find.
But alas, do you have any
money? You can feel your
card in your pocket, but
maybe you could pay with
change? Up to you.
Rummage through pockets
Proceed to counter
WAIT WHAT?
Nearly there. Little deeper. Wait
what are these?
You open your palm.
Holy shit.
Do you? I mean, you’re in the
supermarket. You’re pretty
hung-over, and knowing you, you
probably shit the bed and need
to go back, make an omelette
and clean up the shit.Lets do this
Drop them on the floor. Let the toddlers have ‘
em.
FUUUUUUCK
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
SH
WHOOSH
YEAH
WE ARE GOING SO
FUCKING FAST.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
WHOOSH
FUCK YEAH
OLIVE OIL, CHEAP WINE,
WATER, HALF OF THE
FRESH PRODUCE
SECTION. WE’RE DOIN’ IT.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
VROOM
EXTRA BASKET OF FRESH PRODUCE
WHY THE FUCK NOT?
NEEEOW
…
…
…
WHAT THE FUCK?
Start Again.
Start Again?
HEADING BACK
Congrats kid, time to clean
up your shit and make an
omelette but wait what the
fuck is tha-
Sweet Baby Fucking Jesus
HMMMN…
It’s Jack Nicholson. He’s giving
you a thumbs up. His smile is
knowing, as if you’re an old
friend, or as if he’s just done
something horrible. Something
terrible. Something that you
couldn’t possibly kn-
Oh shit.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
What now?Run Stare in aw
e
WOOFT, PANT
You’ve been running from
Jack for hours, yet you still
feel his presence behind
you. You’re going have to
leave the city. You’re tired,
but your intense (or
extremely average day) has
made you feel strange. Do
you head to the woods or
embrace the light that calls
to you?
The light… TO THE WOODS
OH…
Pretty.
…
HOW?
…
WOW
…
IT’S BEAUTIFUL.
You came for milk, and you’ve
found something more.
Enlightenment.
You truly know how beautiful the
world is, and your arrogance upon
your return is sure to piss off
everyone around you.
The future holds for you no friends.
The End.
Start again?
LEK SHU?
You ran for the whole night and you’re
exhausted. A swole Lebanese man
approaches you and speaks to you in a
dialect you don’t quite understand.
“SHU BB? SHU?”
He motions a bucket of deep-fryer
grease towards you. You’re not sure
whether to grease yourself to stop
Jack’s impending grasp, or whether to
continue on your way, not trusting this
brah.
Grease up Fuck this brah
OH FUCK HE’S GOT US
There’s nothing we can do
now. Lets just see how this
pans out.
Submit to chloroform
FOREBODING
Your greased, naked torso
manages to slip through
Jack’s fingers, and quickly, a
black care with tinted
windows pulls up, motioning
for him to enter. Jack smiles
at you, lighting a cigarettes
and gives you a finger gun.
He‘ll be back for you. But
fuck it, let’s go home and eat
that omelette.
Omelette
CONGRATULATIONS
You didn’t stray from the task
AND we actually got the omelette.
What a great day.
You got the least zany of outcomes
and actually did all right. All it
may have took was a little bed
shitting, minority bashing, drug-
taking, greasing, and shopping to
get it all done.
Start Again?
URRGH.
Your head is pounding.
We’re back in the lobby.
What the fuck?
You’re slipping out of
consciousness again and as
you do a figure comes
toward you. Before you can
make out just who it is, you
black out.Pass out
…
…
Wake up
SHIT
Jack greets you as you wake
up. It’s a one way street
from here. No way you can
get out of this.
It’s his apartment.
You shat in Jack Nicholson’s
bed, and now you’re going to
pay.
You really shit the bed on
this one.Fight against the power
Accept your fate
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHA
Jack Nicholson openly mocks
your attempt to resist and
motions for you to look at his
wall of previous victims who
he had bound, and done
unspeakable things to.
Ranging from ‘rusty
trombones’, to ‘hot lunches’
before slaughtering their
fragile, weak bodies and
repeating the process.
Look at the wall
NO BIG LOSS
Turn back and run
HE’S BEHIND YOU.
You can feel Jack’s breath on
your neck. He’s laughing
and it echoes through the
halls. He knows no matter
the outcome, you are
doomed and he will claim his
prize. You make it to the
front door and are thrust
into…Run outside
A HEDGE MAZE!
Maybe you can lose him in
here.
Keep running
OH NO…
You’ve been running for
hours but you grew tired.
You turn a corner exhausted,
and there is Jack. He’s been
running for hours and he’s
all worked up on the smell of
your fear.
With a growl he pounces on
top of you.Cry deeply
GETTING HIJACKED BY BIG JACK NICHOLSON
He’s in you now and there’s
no point resisting. His girth
is immense. You do not know
how too feel. Too many
emotions overwhelm you.
Fear, star-struckness, awe,
arousal, and sadness.
Pass out.
CONGRATULATIONS
You wake up after blacking out
mid-Nicholsonation. It appears
Jack had his way with you to the
point the fluids leaving his body
covered both him and you.
Maybe someone will find you one
day, maybe not. You’re quite deep
in the maze. You’re preserved in
Jack Nicholsemen, you no mouth,
and you must scream.
Start again?
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