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The 113th Bottle Match

Handbook 21st February 2015

Thanks to Jan Cilliers, Neil Alford and BP for sponsorship

FUNNY POLICE* Don’t forget to eat. Chef Recommends: Pork

Pie + Tunnocks Caramel Risotto We are 70% water. Humans don’t function at

70% alcohol Stay behind the rope at the rugby so you don’t

get run over by Tristan uncontrollably trundling down the wing.

Please keep fireworks metaphorical Stay warm. It snowed in 2013. ‘Don’t’ naked. It’s frowned upon by the

clothed No stabbings or shootings No Class A B or C substances, chips and gravy is fine though

A note from The President: Benjamin James Warnick

Big Love Big Money Big Hockey Big Heart

It’s finally here, that moment you’ve all been waiting for, The 113th bottle match wooooooo!!!

This is Imperial’s main varsity and the second oldest dans le monde. You know the score, we turn up, we win. All that jazz.

The slapping of tiny webbed feet can only mean one thing, Camborne is on its way. So lock up your sisters and don your dancing shoes, because this weekend will be a tour de force of RSM sporting excellence, dirge like singing and dodgy dancing.

Rugby

Fred White, Captain 2015 Age: 23 Weight: 78kg Position: Bench Press Fred White - You may not know this, but Fred works for Hollister. Now this means one of two things: he’s really good looking, or he’s really good at folding clothes… He’s also very fond of Asian girls; for proof of just how much, go to Boston, USA and try and find a little Asian boy with blonde hair and blue eyes running about. He often enjoys taking his current squeeze to Paris for weekend but for some reason feels he needs to ask his ex’s permission, but I’ll let you discuss that with the Skipper in the bar…

Name: Edward Durkin Position: Water Boy Age: 23 Weight: 70kg (72 on a good day) Bio: Edward Durkin, also known as Durk Diggity, is in his final year at Imperial College. He is known campus wide for his ridiculous gap yah tattoos (each matching with respective girlfriends) and his love of fried chicken (see insert). He is one of the oldest members of the squad due to numerous 'sabbaticals', however in this case maturity doesn't come with age. Name: James Cox Position: Fly Half Age: 22 Weight: 85kg (After a poo) Description: James Cox is the Fly-half for this years Bottle Match. James played in the last home Bottle Match 2 years ago and was awarded man of the match. Unfortunately James missed last years BM due to injury (a broken heart). After an ex-girlfriend viciously left him he could not cope. Flowers were sent to the aforementioned ex's house the day prior to the dumping but sadly they arrived a day too late for young James. After a year of crying into his pillow James is back and bigger than ever. You can find James at the award ceremony, perhaps picking up another man of the match award, but definitely looking for love. Name: Toby Simpson Position: Second Row Age: 19 Weight: 108kg Description: Big Toby can often be found wooing the ladies of the union bar with his smooth talk and bottomless supply of lilies. His charm doesn't end there though, having reportedly performed a strip dance for the commuters on the district line. Fortunately these performances are matched by his displays on the pitch, so expect some big carries from Toby.

Name: David Nielsen-Scott Position: Lock Age: 20 Weight: 95kg Bio: Absolute machine. One to watch. BetFRED favourite for man of the match 1/1000. Name: Eugene Poon Position: Winger Age: 20 Weight: 82kg Poon’s only fear is not staying dench and getting Frimponged Name: Richard ‘Chumbles’ Simons Position: Utility forward Age: 26 Weight: 90 kg , Height: 6’2” This Ex-Rsm President has had an impressive career in the Bottle Match, as Veteran this will be his 7th appearance and maybe his last. The soon to be Dr. Chumbles has tried to create a new persona for himself in recent years; who knew his name was Rich? but nevertheless the patented Chumble charge will be in full force this year against an enemy he knows all too well. Name: Ruaridh McKay Position: Back row/2nd Row Age: 20 Mass: 94kg , Height: 6’1” Rooarid, is a powerful, physical player. A veteran of previous bottle matches, this looks to be his last and he doesn't plan on losing the bottle in his final year. Some say Ruairi's inability to hear on his right side came as a result of an incident after a previous bottle match involving Fred White, a hoover, a 'liposuction for dummies' book and a promise of 'the abercrombie look' although this has not been confirmed. As a result, Rory often fails to hear his own lineout calls, causing light amusement for the other forwards. Nevertheless, look out for Ruaridh to have a big impact in a physical bottle match this year.

Player: Ruairi Dunne Position: Wing Weight: 84kg Age: 19 Description: Ruairi owns a collection of seven selfie sticks and is rarely seen without a long pole in his hand. Having been crowned ‘Loosest Bloke in the Alps 2014’ whilst on his gap year, at Imperial he has had ample time to focus on his dodgy lid and wearing Canada Goose jackets. When out his favourite drink is a Cosmopolitan and Ruairi pushes the boundaries by wearing light brown shoes to black tie events. He lives by the motto, ‘entertain a clown and you will become part of the circus’.

Name: James Bills Age: 24 Weight: 82kg Position: Full Back Description: From the dog-eat-dog streets of Royal Tunbridge Wells to the upper-class avenues of South Kensington, this softly spoken ladies-man is a classic rags-to-riches story. The man even changed his last name to outdo his idol, 50 Cent. Being a big fan of American teen-movies, Bills wants to leave his undergraduate UCL persona behind and try becoming a so-called “jock” at Imperial so he’s been dreaming of bottle-match day for a while now... good luck mate. When he’s not getting excited about looking at rocks he loves to jet around and as a wannabe Irish man, never fails to bring up the fact he lived in Dublin for a year in every conversation and has happily agreed to give a fiver to anyone who beats him at downing a Guinness tonight. Let’s see if he brings some of that “Irish” luck to the game today. Name: Anthony Cheuk Position: Winger Age: 19 years young Weight: 65 Kg Anthony hails from the orient and is a natural born finisher with ninja feet and the pace of a shinkansen bullet train. He may be small in stature but he is as slippery as an eel and trickier than a chinese finger trap. He will be making his bottle match debut in 2015 and will be an exciting mercurial player to look out for.

Name: Sam ‘Moobz’ Moorby Position: Centre Age: 20 (appears 45) Weight: 730 Bananas Favourite Pokemon: Magikarp Greatest Achievement: Passing 1st Year Known to grow a MAROON beard, some might mistake him for being a connoisseur of hair. Sadly, not; he suffers from a condition known as ‘Recede’. This means his hairline is retreating quicker than CSM’s backline (about a cm a year). Sam loves his squats. He even ‘cracked out’ a few squats on a recent trip to Oxford. Sam is always a good guy to have around, squeezing the fun out of everything, including his bottom. When not training for rugby, he can be found PIH (pint in hand) at the union. Name: George Warner Weight: 85 kg Height: 5'11 (in heels) Position: Centre/wing The 2nd year geologist coming into his second bottle match is hoping to follow in the long-standing tradition of Georges in the RSM back line - though that will require him to abandon last year's tremendous efforts in bench-warming.

Name: Alex Johnston

Position: Prop

Height: 5'10"

Weight: Estimated, owing to refusal to own up. Circa 120 kg (conservative estimate)

Alex, hailing from family farming roots in Carlisle, Cumbria, is a keen geoengineer who has been enjoying a rich run of form, and has broken into the Imperial College 1st team. We could find no definitive gym stats, but when questioned about PB's he answered 'pint in 3 pie in 6' and 'who's Jim?!'

His hobbies outside of rugby include tractors, ploughs, and pies, and when asked about his rugby ambitions, he replied 'I'd love to be a really fast winger with dazzling footwork - I'd kill for a step like Jake Bagby's'

Greatest Achievement: Third place in the Cumbrian Open snake charming Championships Special dietary requirements: Yes please. Pass the pies.

Player : Peter McCallum Position: Back Row Weight: 96kg Age: 22 Weighing in at 96kg this season, Peter McCallum, best known for winning the Eurovision song contest in 2011, grew up in a small rural town in Eastern Bulgaria. At the age of 15, McCallum split between singing and rugby, signed for Levski’s 1st XV, one of Sofia’s most successful clubs. One of the bright, up and coming stars of Bulgarian rugby, Peter inevitably got injured and followed his dreams of singing at the West End in London. In his spare time Peter likes to trek, hugging the coastline, dabbling in snorkeling for his favorite animal, the starfish. Name: Thomas Alexander Clayton Age: 19, Weight: 108 kg, Height: 5’2”. At the classified height of ‘legal midget’ I am a prospective heavyweight Olympic lifter – current bench PB 43.75 kg. Unfortunately my 3 year dry spell of both good banter and sex leaves my last sexual partner the infamous Blozza Becky and my last good joke: “So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.” DQ Thomas Alexander 2012. Ironically the guy I am referring to was myself. Although I have been left beating into my old Adams Grammar rugby sock I have not lived without lust. I am hoping that the bottle match weekend will result in crowning myself ‘Banter-Lord’ and the most prestigious title of all… ‘ Top Shagger’. Clay-dog out. Name: Jake Bagby Position: Prop Age: 21 Weight: 15 stone 1 lb Description: Loud mouthed and cocky, this brummy player is certainly someone you’ll notice as RSM steps off the coach. But don’t be fooled by his joking and crooked smile, when Bagby steps onto the field he becomes a different player. Fancying himself more as a fly half than a prop, expect him to be found exactly where you don’t want a prop to be!

Name: Tristan Avory Height: 5ft 10 Weight: Some say Two Elephants, Others suggest 25 Water Buffalos. His sponsors suggest a 'Lean Mean 119' Bio: Fast, Agile, Nimble. These are word never used to describe this mammoth of

a man. This Bottle Match stalwart, once again, reprises his role of Prop and gives

the RSM team a lil' bit more meat! Taking time away from his 364 day Bottle

Match bulking program (He doesn't bulk on Christmas), Tristan has acted in his

own biopic; 'UP' and has gained endorsement deals from George Foreman of 'lean

mean grilling machine' fame. This lil' celebrity amongst the RSM ranks, will

adhere to a strict game plan of 'One Hit Wonders' and be representing all the

PAWGS out there.

Name: Joe Cooper

Age: 23

Weight: 13.5 stone

Position: winger

Born far north of the wall this wildling was terrorising defenders

before he could say ‘mushy peas’. Rumour has it he has grown

out his long curly hair especially for the Bottle Match, in hopes

of emulating his childhood hero, Medusa. This rare species is

typically found insulting all the southern fairies in the smoking

area of a club, throwing up in his local ginnel, or picking fruit in

Australia.

Name: Tom Hobson

Age: 20 Weight: 89kg

Height : 5" 11

Position: Hooker

This geoelectrical and electronicgeophysical engineering student is at his physical peak hitting

record pbs across the board this season: Bench-130kg Squat-180kg Pint-2.3 seconds Wine

strawpedo- 5.4 seconds Yard-8.3 seconds 100m-9.89 minutes After a night of working late at

Mercedes his best friend Lewis Hamilton allowed him to kiss his 'helmet' for good luck in this

upcoming fixture. As a quintessential Yorkshireman this player has been preparing for this

upcoming battle by staring at the white rose emblazoned on his bedroom wall, dreaming of

restoring the glory of his home that was so cruelly taken away in 1487. Hobson has taken his

vendetta against the Cornish to the next level, vowing to wipe their beloved pasty from

existence, one bite at a time.

Name: Aneesh Misra Age: 21 Weight: 92kg Height: 6'2" Position: Water boy After the successes of last bottle match Mr Misra has retired from the front row in search of a more relaxing lifestyle. His attendance at training is worse than his beard, patchy at best. Presumably he has been spending his time with Miss Hsu or trying to become the new Peter Brown. His fine tastes in life have lead him to the water boy position, don’t be surprised if you see Aneesh throwing Voss water bottles on to the pitch. ”God knows only commoners drink tap water” Misra 2013. All that aside watch out for this dark horse. He has informed me that many hours have been put into his try celebration. My bet is on a little bit of Bollywood dancing. From this self-confidence I’m sure we can expect a try or two out of him - that is, if he catches the ball.

Name: Tom Hedley Age: 20 Weight:88.9Kg Height:6"3 Position: 8 Legend tells of a fight that was undertaken in the summer of 2013. Tom was, as usual practicing his rugby on the savannah, taking down gazelles with ease. As he was doing his daily 10x10 squats with a lion on his back, the lion decided to fight back. Only Hedley came out alive. Many have heard the proverbs but few have seen the scars the shark left that day. Even though Geobotanists are renowned for not having much between the ears, the Cornish team should be wary of this Kudu killing 8 as whilst he’s not wrestling windows, he is often found wielding his fa-bled ‘lion step’ for the Saxons. Good look Camborne Name: Nathan Tomlinson Age 19 Height 6'3" Weight 113kg Position: Prop BMI: 31.L4RG3 Currently hiding at the front of the scrum whilst on the run from the NHS follow-ing the release of the above stats, Nathan likes to spend his spare time (when not playing rugby) playing rugby. Once likened by a blind (presumably) friend to Breaking Bad's Walter White, Nathan is frequently spotted sporting awful facial hair. This merely elucidates his reluctance to accept that a man of 19 should sport more hair on his head not his chin. This Benjamin-Buttonesque attitude to appearance also stretches to his fashion sense. Nathan, on one occasion, turned up to a game clothed, head-to-toe, in rust brown. Presumably this renders him effectively invisible beyond 50 metres when going to and from his meth lab during Autumn. Subsequent inquisition revealed the jacket was indeed his grandad's.

Men's Hockey

Madeleine Hann (Mads) Bio: Mads, also known as Susan is fond of hot tubs especially the black pool types. She embodies RSM Hockey spirit in all ways particularly in her love of long socks. The loud encouragement from Mads can be heard for miles, she’s definitely a keeper. Special Skill: Rebounds Experience: Sadly absent to last year’s Bottle Match, Mads is hungry to give CSM a socking. Ellie Maume Bio: This brick breaker is an ace blocker and is known for her colour coordination on the pitch. Champion of lego, Ellie plans on confusing the opposition by pelting them with mini figures. Tackling CSM will be a breeze after dealing with visitors to Dragon falls. Special skill: being Maumy Experience: Ellie embraced bottle match spirit with gusto in her first year, especially the coach journeys, when everything was awesome. Ellie Bryant Bio: Ellie’s favourite pastimes include pretending to be trilobite and attending gourmet rock tastings. She tackles hard and always has Mohr. It is believed this power comes from endless practice with her rock hammer. Special Skill: Balls, balls, balls Experience: Last year’s bottle match Ellie had a bucketful of RSM spirit, CSM can’t handle it. Emma Toms (Tomsy) Bio: As the oldest player on the pitch, Emma provides magical wisdom of the hockey world and appears to fly round her opponents. She certainly has a few tricks up her sleeve and whips up a storm in defence. Special Skill: Wingardium Leviosa Experience: Old-timer to the Bottle Match, Emma knows exactly the determination and fortitude required at this yearly show-down.

Women’s Hockey

Beth Holman Bio: Beth has an affinity for silverware, she is passionate about cutlery and pretends to be a fork in her free time. Her defending is solid but it will take Blackpool to improve her spooning. This Brummy gal is not to be underestimated. Special Skill: Forking Experience: Beth is channelling sass and aggression to battle through the match. Evelyn Mason Bio: Aberdreamer from the far north. Evelyn was raised in the harsh conditions of the Scottish highlands on only haggis and thistles. After trying to start a Scottish RSM team, she has channelled her hatred for the English into thirst for the blood of the southern-most Englishmen. Special Skill: Referee-dum Experience: Evelyn’s first bottle match but this has not deterred her from her independent views on CSM scum. No doubt her bravery and patriotism will do us proud. Emma Pearce Bio: Christened by Rafiki, Emma’s a fierce defender who is committed to the end and won’t Let it Go. Emma senses the Bad Blood of CSM and plans to wipe them off pitch until there’s just a Blank Space. She believes that destroying CSM is just part of the Circle of Life Special Skill: Shaking it off Experience: Despite only starting hockey this year, Emma has brought much to the team including suggestions for a war chant and distraction tactics Becky Rickman Bio: Becky’s a 2nd year who’s already specialised in modern palaeontology. Having previously studied apes has given her an insight into the behaviour of CSM. This biological advantage will help us dissect the opposition. They are an inferior species after all Special Skill: The worm Experience: This is Becky’s 2nd bottle match, her strong hits from the back evolved into game changers last year

Bron-wen Per-kins Bio: Bronny started life in the RSM with a bang, though there was some confusion over which hockey team she wanted to play for. Her preference of pies over Cornish pasties has increased her hatred for the flaky Camborne miners. When she’s not preparing for Wimbledon, she’s tearing up the pitch with the power of pukka. The only way is Bronwen Special Skill: Eating chocolate covered raw vegetables Experience: Fresher Bronwen has shown herself to be strong midfielder. Her dribbling will go on unchallenged, providing there are no tooting Curries to hamper her progress, of course Anna ‘Willy’ Williams Bio: She’s a material girl with an expert knowledge of hockey stick construction. Willy can to spot the weaknesses in the opposition and exploit them to their full extent. Her moral fibre and strong stick handling gives us an edge Special Skill: She’s cracking under pressure Experience: Willy made friends with a watering can of the same name last year and plans on re-establishing this close connection. Katie Bell (KB) Bio: When she’s not socialising, Katie practices handstands and cartwheels across the Famous Three Kings bar. Her agility allows her to run rings round the opposing team and spring towards the goal Special Skill: #hypehypehype Experience: A 2nd year geophysicist, Katie’s play sent shockwaves through CSM last year Kim Mason Bio: Kimakaze is known for her aggression and hockey rage which is a result of downing maple syrup before each match. Her upbringing of Canadian winters and wrestling with bears has been good preparation for this icy game Special Skill: Fitting an entire pint glass in her mouth Experience: Well accustomed to the Bottle match, Kim’s scare tactics should have CSM trembling

Alice Tidswell Bio: Alice is a fresher with big hair and even bigger pitch presence. She’s a key player up front and has already expressed her dislike for dirty CSM including their lack of glamour in both their play and their style. CSM prepare to be dazzled Special Skill: Hitting balls in the D Experience: Alice is well versed in the world of hockey and will undoubtedly rise to all challenges Rosie Blannin Bio: ‘Cultured’ with ‘refined tastes’ are two ways which have been used to describe this graceful attacker. Rosie perfected her pirouettes in Sanuk and now uses them to send the opposition spinning. Positioning and timing are everything Special Skill: Spooning Experience: Rosie’s style and flair will outclass CSM time and time again Katie Shoedar Bio: Katie’s southern roots have found Camborne a bit too close for comfort; she was appalled by their want of independence and questionable relationships. Her pre-hockey training included racing sheep up the hilly South Downs and taming the odd wild boar. Special Skill: sheep herding Experience: Katie’s speed up along the wing coupled with her abhorrence for CSM make her a force to be reckoned with. Ruth Trout Bio: Little Pike, from the cobbled streets of Guildford has the vocal projection to rival the town crier. Ruth is evidence that size isn’t everything; it’s how you use it. Small but mighty she weaves, unseen around the opposition. Training in the Surrey Hills has prepared her well for the intensity and pace of hockey. Special Skill: the Hakuna Matata Experience: Stories of the Bottle Match have attracted Ruth’s interest from a young age, she’s bursting to show CSM what she’s made of.

It’s been a very promising season so far for RSM Football, with a strong chance of a treble in the league, cup and bottle match. Scintillating counter-attacking football, an electric defensive press and 60 goals in 16 games has caused many to compare Will Veness’ philosophy to that of the great Brendan Rodgers. Here is your Pocket Guide to Identifying the RSM Football team both on and off the field… Dan Holloway (GK) Perhaps an unnecessary profile, as you will all recognise “keen-Dan” from his strong networking game during fresher’s term. On the pitch: Loves a save for the cameras. Off the pitch: Becomes “crazy-Dan.” Expect similar “crazy” antics to his topless dancing that had him swiftly removed from the slug on social night. Surely a contender for a half-time streak at the rugby? Player Comparison: Manuel Neuer Matt Irwin (RB) Recently committed the worst tackle in the history of RSM football – a tackle so horrendous that the match was immediately abandoned. If this doesn’t get you excited to see Mirwin in action I don’t know what will… On the pitch: Always looking for the next big tackle, Matt may appear to have forgotten he’s actually playing a game of football. Off the pitch: Anything less than full-frontal nudity would be a disappointment… or perhaps a relief. When it’s time to return to the union Matt will be found soberly guarding the undercarriages of the buses, ensuring no one experiences the nightmare journey he did two years prior. Player Comparison: Pepe Dom Rodger & Florent Gaudin (CM & CM) Flo moved to the RSM this year from France having never truly experienced love. That is, until he met Dom. Although unable to have a proper conversation with Dom’s thick Geordie accent, no bromance could be stronger. On the field: Will be seen patrolling the centre of midfield, playing ‘good cop, bad cop’ with their opposite numbers. Off the field: Will spend the majority of the evening side-by-side giggling, holding hands and pretending to understand each other. If isolated Dom will be found cutting shapes in metric or buying a round of jagerbombs, while Flo may be found jumping excitedly on tables, crowd surfing or taking selfies with his many admirers.

Football

Luke Cottell (LB) Luke has finally recovered from fresher’s dinner and made the left-back spot his own in the latter part of the season. On the field: Expect Luke to be a major focal point for the CSM crowd’s attention… Fingers crossed they don’t break him. Off the field: Liable to drinking too much too quickly, there’s a reasonable chance you’ll find him sleeping next to the rugby with an empty bottle of Lambrini by his side. Will hopefully make it to metric. Player Comparison: Luke Shaw Max Schleupen (CB/FB) Brought in on a season-long loan from Borussia Dortmund, Max has been an astute signing. On the field: A towering defender with a no nonsense approach. May be heard slamming the English’s inability to take penalties after not being allowed to take one. Off the field: Will be found holding a crate of English beer, while complaining about the taste of English beer. Player Comparison: Per Mertesacker Dom Andrew (CM) Injury-prone Dom has recovered in time for the Bottle Match and is back to his best. On the pitch: Although a strong defensive presence, last year’s captain loves to get forward. Dom is sadly yet to find his old shooting boots recently, with his shots currently showing more variation than CSM’s collective genomes. Off the pitch: Fresh from a break-up, rumour has it Dom’s looking for a rebound. Something meaningless with no strings attached… Go get him ladies. Player Comparison: Xabi Alonso Will Veness (ST) El Capitan. Looking to lead RSM Football to their first bottle match victory in 10 years. On the pitch: Playing lone striker and with 25 goals this season, needs to carry that goal scoring form in to the bottle match. Certainly won’t let the crowd get in to his head this year, especially not the bitch with the megaphone. Off the pitch: Will be seen with plenty of Lambrini in his hand once victorious. Player Comparison: Thierry Henry Alex Rushforth (CAM) If last year’s anything to go on, you may feel yourself become genuinely sad as you listen to the CSM fans abuse Alex. However, this is the year he gets his revenge. On the field: Our vice-captain will persevere with his tiki-taka play even through Harlington’s sludge. 9 goals to his name this season and an important part of the attack. Off the field: Impartial to a boogie if the cheesy music’s playing, Alex will spend much of his night on the metric dancefloor. Player Comparison: Juan Mata

Lewis Ryan (RM/RB) On the field: 4 years in the squad without a minute of bottle match action to show for it, Lewis has a point to prove. Expect big hits and bustling runs from our very own Branislav Ivanovic. Off the field: A typically loud drunk, you’ll often hear him before you see him. In his fifth and final bottle match we can all expect Lewis to go out with a bang. Player Comparison: Branislav Ivanovic Jack O’Callaghan (RM/LM/CAM) G’day mate! Another bottle match debutant all the way from down under. On the field: This dingo offers genuine pace down the wing and plenty of goals with 9 in just a few games this season. You little ripper. Off the field: Will be seen wandering round with fosters in hand, cork hat on head, asking the nearest Sheila where he’ll find the ‘barbie.’ Fair dinkum. He's a rowdy bugger Player Comparison: Harry Kewell Tom Raven (CB) On the field: A striker trapped in a defender’s body, a clearly frustrated Tom Raven has been known to make some mad runs from his centre-back position. Could he be an unlikely hero? Off the field: Still in the ‘honeymoon-phase’ with his new girlfriend Catherine Spurin, these two will inevitably spend much of the night side-by-side. Adorable. Player Comparison: Jan Vertonghen Simon Morgan (CB) On the pitch: Cool, calm and collected. His pace in defence is often a god-send and his contribution will be important for our clean sheet. Off the pitch: Also cool, calm and collected. Player Comparison: Gary Cahill

Matt Summers (RB/LB/CM/LM/RM) Desperate for a game of football, drifter Matt Summers has discovered RSM Football this season and slotted right in. On the pitch: A battler. With every swift turn, caressed pass and meaty challenge, Summers’ passion for the RSM becomes more clear. This Bottle Match is his very own RSM Bar Mitzvah, the moment he truly becomes, ‘one of us.’ Off the pitch: When he’s not panicking about how much MechEng coursework he should have done this weekend, Summers will be seen drinking, mingling, singing and/or dancing like any regular RSMer. Player Comparison: Daley Blind Joash Moosavinia (RM/RB) Another bottle match debutant transferred on a 4-year contract worth -£12 per week from the VIVA Kuwaiti Premier League. Jo has been a sol-id investment by the club, also washing the kit each game free of charge. On the field: A skilful winger with a contender for goal of the season to his name. Off the field: A modest and polite young man, expect Jo to be brushing off compliments if he scores a late winner. Player Comparison: Oussama Assaidi Jordan Seyedi (CM/LM) On the pitch: Playing anywhere across the midfield with a Ji-Sung Park work rate, Jordan will battle for the full 90 minutes. Also a gifted set-piece taker. Off the pitch: An avid fan of deep house, Jordan will be hoping the metric DJ is “on point.” Bit of a lady killer, can be expected to break a few CSM hearts through the course of the evening. Player Comparison: Ji-Sung Park James Jeary (Inj) Although not playing this year due to an 18 month knee injury, JJ will feel just as much a part of the squad on the sidelines and de-serves a mention. Comparable to Patches from Dodgeball, or Chubbs from Happy Gilmore, JJ will speak with that same melan-choly wisdom that comes from being deprived through injury of the one thing he loves the most: the chance to play his sport. Off the pitch: Expect tears of bittersweet joy from JJ when the match is won. Player Comparison: Jack Wilshere

Olivia ‘We didn’t meet on Tinder’ Chant-Tuft 4th Year Geology Age: 21 Home County: Greater London Position: Defence Honed IC 2nd team player and RSM trooper through-and-through; Olivia has defended the Bottle 4 years running. When taking time off from her tireless crusade against CSM she enjoys piña coladas and long walks on the beach. Rating: 9/10 Rach ‘Nice Girl’ Shuttleworth 3rd Year Geology Age: 20 Home County: North Lincolnshire Position: Keeper As an IC captain Rach knows netball, she’s tactical, resilient and fast. As RSM welfare officer she is always encouraging and keep spirits high within the team, she will always be smiling! RSM! RSM! RSM! Rach has a hunger in her belly and will do anything for a win! Adaptable, she readily adapts to all situations making her dangerous in all positions. CSM watch out! Rach’s height gives her a crazy lean to be feared by all! Hardworking, she works hard for every ball and rarely misses an opportunity to take the ball for herself. Rating: 10/10 Becca-upon-Tyne 3rd Year Geology Age: 20 Home County: The Nunnery Position: Defence Becca has been playing for IC for the last 3 years, and is a seasoned bottle match netballer. She will work hard in defence to intercept the ball and mark the CSM attackers tightly. As strong as a bull, As fast as an eagle. The dependability of a caribou, the agility of a cat. And wants none, unless you got buns hun (anaconda) BECCA. Rating: 9/10 Jennifer ‘Squiwol’ Heyes 1st Year Materials Age: 18 Home County: Greater Manchester Position: Defence Jenny is our cheekiest player both on and off the court; whether its getting dirty in Lacrosse or downloading 'illegal content' over Imperial internet. As the youngest member of the team we’re hoping she can behave whilst defending the Bottle. Jenny isn’t your typical material girl; a keen engineer who will do anything for a bit of raspberry muff! Rating: 8/10

Netball

Esme 'it rhymes with mallard' Stallard 2nd Year Geology Position: Attack Home County: Greater London Age: 19 Originally from the gritty West-London suburbs this feisty fox is a nightmare dressed like a daydream. Prone to frequent outbursts of testiphobia we're hoping her fear of balls won't affect her performance in the match. But don't be fooled by those curly locks and her heart of gold, for her passionate hate of CSM burns like the firey pit from whence the scum came. WARNING: For external use only, may cause irritation. Rating: 8/10

Emma 'HAM' Needham 4th Year Environmental Geoscience Age: 21 Home County: Cheshire Position: Centre We all know Emma would make the perfect ham sandwich but here at RSM we prefer not to eat our own. With her sweet and sassy features, super speed and sneaky tactics she is the honey-cured touch the team needs! Emma is a dedicated netball gal and is a former captain of both RSM and IC teams. After recently ‘finding herself’ in Thailand; Emma has decided to give back to society by volunteering at the Cornish Swine Sanctuary, nursing genetically defected CSM young. What an angel. Rating: 9/10 Alexandra ‘Pav’ Pavlovskis 2nd Year Geology Age: 20 Home County: South Yorkshire Position: Wing A founding member of the club and a 2nd time Bottle Match defender; Alex is a key vertebra in the northern backbone of this year’s team, may her name be ever present in RSM History. Never afraid to speak her mind; be wary of any backchat. With ball skills rivalling the RSM football captain we can only wonder whom she learnt from. ‘Our AP’ puts CSM girls to shame in all departments. N.B. (Seeking wealthy, older, attractive male masseur for post-training deep tissue massage)

Rating: 8/10

Emma ‘El Capitan’ Crewdson 2nd Year Geology & Geophysics Age: 20 Home County: Cumbria Position: Flexible… A true royal miner, one can only aspire to have such an affinity for a good shaft and adventure. A solid base, back and tumbler in the IC cheerleading squad; Emma built RSM Netball on strong foundations. Able to play the court in any position; she is raring for her 2nd Bottle Match performance. Don’t let the northern accent fool you; Emma grew up in Devon, harbouring a solid hatred for the Cornish that will emanate through the entire tournament. N.B. (Did a yard without spillage, necks a pint faster than Alex Rushforth) Rating: 7/10 Alice 'The taller half of Ralice' Bennett 1st Year Geophysics Age: 19 Home County: Greater Manchester Position: Shooter A proper shady Mancunian - Established in 1996; this fresh-faced grammar school girl has been training hard for her Bottle Match debut. As our most up front northerner, Alice has the ability to merk any Camborne miner. With relentless carbo-loading and an aim to ‘stay-grounded’, Alice has shown unrivalled commitment to the cause, even joining IC’s 4th team for extra Bottle preparation. Rating: 9/10

Sophie ‘Materials’ Andrew 4th Year Materials Age: 22 Home County: Hertfordshire Position: Shooter Sophie is a cheapskates enthusiast turned good girl. Our remarkably devoted shooter is a member and former captain of the IC 1st team and will be experiencing her 2nd Bottle Match victory. When Sophie isn’t enjoying kitchen rampages or entertaining young scallywags in metric, you’ll likely find her being tall or on holiday. Rating: 10/10

The RSM Badminton Committee are pleased that Badminton has this year been introduced as a sport for the Bottle Match! We have a great line-up of doubles who will compete against CSM: Tom Barling and Haydn Orme

Tom has been an avid Bottle Match supporter over the years. Known for having shite fancy dress (cowboy cannot be used for every theme), Tom has a secret passion of wearing women’s clothes due to his womanly legs. This year, however, is his opportunity to shine. Haydn has shown her commitment to the sport by being instrumental at setting up the club. A ginger in denial, she can often be found dancing like ‘a spider on roller skates’ to the Jaws theme tune. With ‘controlled’ slut dropping as a key to her game, who knows what shuttlecocks she’ll lunge for next.. Don’t worry, their badminton skillz are better than their taste in fashion and chat Tom Loves Baked Beans. Someone buy the man a can

Kenneth ‘JJ’ Leong and Daniel Chan

JJ is new to the RSM, but his disgust at all things Camborne is no less passionate than any RSM alumni. With a million-dollar smile and pick-up lines to die for, he’ll have Camborne on their knees before the match even starts… Dan has exceptional taste in fruit-based headdresses but has sadly hurt his left wrist. Advised to take it easy handling shuttlecocks, we’ve been informed his right hand is very strong. But with tardiness on the cards, who knows if he’ll even make it to the match? These two have been overheard saying that they will

be ‘winging it’…good luck boys!

Badminton

Charlie Singer and Narissa Patel Charlie is the club’s secretary with Wednesday legs (when’s dey gonna break), but his prowess on the court may take you by surprise. He’s been working on his backhand but don’t worry ladies there won’t be any abuse from this ‘gentleman’. Narissa has been a dedicated member of the club since its beginning last year, and she knows her way around the court like a CSM student around a tin mine. We’ve put in a special request that they both come wearing these hats to the after party in Metric.

Marc Lelong Marc took up squash few months into his relationship with Raf Pes. All we know is that he had the uncontrollable urge to play with warm, dotted balls, leading to the conclusion that his best performance may be seen in the bedroom.

Raf Pes It is rumoured that the Colombian hipster has made a name for himself at the bottle match last year. After he crushes them on court, Raf will once again drink the inbred miners under the table.

Jack Wood Jack definitely proved that last year that he learnt a thing or two about squash at the Roxy swim school (he has trained for cheerleading since the age of 5). During the post-match celebration, Jack is known for this “scandalous ways” from Essex.

Squash

Zac Along with his range of squash tricks, Zac deceives opponents with his pleasantries off the court. Zac was inducted into squash team this year as he has proven to be a cold animal who will do whatever to keep the RSM name.

Anshumaan They call him The Ansh for one reason — he anshes. Some say its actually the Ansh, when anshing, that causes that butterfly to flap its wings setting up the initial conditions for a hurricane. The Ansh Effect.

Your Events Team Emergency Contact Details: Ben Warnick: 07704159301 James Cox: 07538972048 Simon Escobar: 07746342500 Matt Pike: 07880901034 Sam Argyle James Jeary Jordan Seyedi Madeleine Hann Emma Crewdson Rach Shuttleworth Sarah Howarth