love, anger and forgiveness

LOVE, ANGER &

FORGIVENESSWilliam G. DeFoore, Ph.D. www.defoore.com

National Wellness Conference, 2006

OUR JOURNEY AHEAD…

•Holding on and letting go•Origin & nature of :

LoveAngerForgiveness

OUR JOURNEY AHEAD…

•Healthy/unhealthy anger•Healthy/unhealthy forgiveness•The role of empathy•Grieving & forgiveness•Thought-action-feeling overview

•Anger, forgiveness and intimacy

•Self forgiveness, faith & optimism

HOLDING ON…•Love makes us want to hold on

•Hold too tight, and love is gone

•Anger is holding on•Holding on becomes control, jealousy, dependency—not love

LETTING GO…•“Love is letting go”•“Anger release” means letting go

•Forgiveness is letting go of anger•Deep love requires surrender

•Letting go can be the beginning of control

•It’s “blind,” “intoxicating”•It “makes the world go around”

•It’s what we want & fear most

•It can lead to control•It is a primary motivator •It just might be who we are

LOVE

ANGER•Comes from love & fear•Can destroy love•Judgment•Projection•Victim position•Holding on

FORGIVENESS •Release•Letting go

•Return to love•The “good” thing to do

ANGER IS…Wanting something you don’t have:•Justice•Revenge•Change in others

FORGIVENESS IS Accepting and being at peace with…

what you do have

ANGER IS…•Energy, emotion—energy in motion

•For your benefit & protection•Natural and healthy at its core•Toxic when repressed & denied•Destructive when isolated from love and wisdom

ANGER IS NOT…•The “bad guy”•An effective form of vengeance

•Behavior—aggression/violence

•A good communicator by itself

•The opposite of forgiveness

FORGIVENESS IS NOT…

•Absolving the perpetrator•Letting anyone off “the hook”•Approval for behavior

•For the forgiven—necessarily•Denying the need for justice

FORGIVENESS IS… •A process—not an end point•Taking responsibility for your wounds

•Holding the perpetrator accountable

•For benefit of your health•A return to love

ANGER & FORGIVENESS AS THE SAME

UNHEALTHYANGER

•Judgment

•“One up” position

•Dishonoring to the self

PREMATURE FORGIVENESS

•Judgment

•“One up” position

•Dishonoring to the self

HEALTHY ANGER

•Power•Release•Letting go•Out of the victim position•Exists in a container of love

TRUE FORGIVENESS

•Power•Release•Letting go•Out of the victim position•Exists in a container of love

04/18/2023

Thoughts

Actions

Emotions

UNHEALTHY ANGER• “It’ not my fault”• “They” are bad/evil• “I’m good because I’m not them”

• Aggression, attack, violence• Passive-aggressive behavior• Depression/illness

• Victim feeling• Nursing wounds• Helplessness/powerlessness

04/18/2023

Thoughts

Actions

Emotions

HEALTHY ANGER• “They are responsible for their actions”• “I am responsible for my reactions”• “How can I grow stronger, wiser, safer?”

• Taking time for emotional release• Spiritual practice• Effective, productive action

• Power/strength• Release/relief• Forgiveness/acceptance

GRIEF AND FORGIVENESS

•Both start with love/vulnerability

•Both involve loss/injury•Both are blocked by unexpressed anger, rage, hatred

•Both require movement through pain & sorrow

•Both involve a return to love

EMPATHY AND ANGER

•Perpetrators lack empathy•Empathy is a bridge for communication•Empathy allows other to be human & dispels illusion of self-righteousness

•Both require understanding•Every victim contains a perpetrator

•Empathy allows acceptance when forgiveness is not attainable

EMPATHY AND FORGIVENESS

•The greatest love

•The greatest anger

•The greatest need for forgiveness

ANGER, LOVE ANDFORGIVENESS IN INTIMATE

RELATIONSHIP

THE ROLE OF PROTECTOR/PROVIDER

In Intimate Relationships

We need protection from:

•Anger•Sarcasm•Neglect•Criticism•Judgment•Projection

And we need to provide:

•Love•Safety•Support•Forgiveness•Responsibility•Financial wellness

•Spiritual leadership

THE ART OF APPRECIATION

1.Raises the value ofa.The relationshipb.The person (in your eyes)

2.Lowers your stress level3.Raises your energy level4.Inspires loyalty &

camaraderie5.It’s good for your health,

so do it for you!

Emotions Reflected in Heart Rhythm PatternsSource: heartmath.org

ANGER, LOVE, FORGIVENESS & YOURSELF

•Healing of basic shame•Embracing the inner critic•Becoming your own best friend

•Importance of faith and optimism

•Accepting freedom and responsibility

Web Resources

WilliamDeFoore.com

Goodfinding.com

AngerManagementResource.com