judge, jury and executioner
Post on 13-Feb-2016
24 Views
Preview:
DESCRIPTION
TRANSCRIPT
Judge,JuryandExecutionerbyineedyoursway
AfteracenturyintheVolturiGuard,Edwardreceivestheultimategift:hissinger.Rated:FictionT-English-Romance/Angst-Edward,Bella-Chapters:8-Words:41,451-Reviews:260-Favs:201-Follows:164-Updated:7/22/2010-Published:4/24/2010-Status:Complete-id:5921091URL:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5921091
TableofContents
TableofContents
1.somesaytheworldwillendinfire
2.somesayinice
3.fromwhati'vetastedofdesire
4.iholdwiththosewhofavorfire
5.butifihadtoperishtwice
6.ithinkiknowenoughofhate
7.tosaythatfordestruction,ice
8.isalsogreat,andwouldsuffice
somesaytheworldwillendinfire
Isitevergoingtobeenough?
Searchingforpurposelikethemisleadsoldierreturningfromwar,scornedwiththefeelingofbloodonhishandsandbloodonhisheart.HepraystohisGod,askshimforforgiveness,askshimforabsolution,kneelsdown,bowshishead,begs.
Tobeforestallèderewecometofall
Orpardonedbeingdown?ThenI'lllookup.
Myfaultispast.Butoh,whatformofprayer
Canservemyturn,"Forgivememyfoulmurder"?
Likedrowning,likedying,likesearchingforpurposeandpleasureandpurchase.InmylifeofnonexistenceIgrapplewithair,stone,wall,brick,butIfindnoledge,nothingtograsponto,nothingtokeepmefromfallingintotheabyss.WhatGodforgivesthebeingwithnosoul,withnolife,withnoself?WhatGodwilltakemyabsolutionintoHisblessedpalmandcreatenewlifeinendlessdeath?Thereisnone.
Trywhatrepentancecan.Whatcanitnot?
Yetwhatcanitwhenonecannotrepent?
Owretchedstate!Obosomblackasdeath!
Olimèdsoulthat,strugglingtobefree,
Artmoreengaged!Help,angels.Makeassay.
Sinisthespongethatdrawsthehumanaspectsfromme.IttakesandpullslikethebloodIyearntostealfrominnocents,theunsaturatedthirstthatpushesmelikemoonsandwavesandcurrents.Tobesatiated,tofeelwhole,tohavelife,tocreatebeing;thatisimpossibility.Ipullmyselfdownaskneescrashtostoneandlookuptosky,tostars,toheaven.
Forgiveme,absolveme,saveme,helpme.
Someone—anyone—givemethecouragetofeellifeinnever-endingnight.
Bow,stubbornknees,and,heartwithstringsofsteel,
Besoftassinewsofthenewbornbabe.
Allmaybewell.
#
Youknowwhenyou'reinacrowdedroomfullofpeopleandit'salmostimpossibletohearyourselfthink?Thatiswhatit'slikeforme.Allofthetime.OvertheyearsIsupposeI'vegottenusedtoit.I'veblockedoutthemajorityoftheincessantrambling.Buttherearestilltheshouters,thepeoplethatseeeverythinginvividdetail,andtheobnoxious,self-centeredegomaniacs.Iamsurroundedmostlybythelatter.No,Iamsurroundedcompletelybythelatter.
Iamafreak.
Thatiswhattherestofthemthink.Theydon'tunderstandmeinthesamewaytheydon'tunderstandCarlisle.ButCarlisleisn'tlikemeinanyway,shape,orform.Carlisleisjustso…heissoself-sacrificing.HestayswithmeeventhoughIknowhewantstobefar,faraway.Hestayswithmeeventhoughhehasafamilyacrosstheglobe;afamilywithawifewholoveshimirrevocably.Hestayswithmebecauseoftheguiltthatmustfallonhisshoulders.Atleast,that'swhathetellsme.Andhehasn'tleftmysideinninety-nineyears.
Theythinkwearefreaksbecauseofourdiet.Isupposethey'reright,really.Afterall,thetalesofvampiredon'texactlyincludefeedingonsquirrelsatdinneranddeeratbreakfast.Iactuallyneverhavesquirrels.Smallrodentstastebothburntandsouratthesametime.Butwhattheydon'tunderstandisjustbecauseIdon'tdineastheydodoesn'tmeanIdon'thavethesamethirst,thesameurges.WhenIseethemfeast,whenIseethesucculentfleshpunctureeffortlesslytothepointedteethofmycompanions,Iwantwhattheyhave.Iwantmymouthontheartery.Iwantmybodytopullthelinesofbeating,warm,thickbloodfromthewound.Iwantmyarmstostranglethestrugglesandthecries.Iwantmythroattobesatiated;satiatedonthebloodofthatwhichIcrave:thehuman.
ButIwon't.
ForeveryminutethatIkeepCarlisleawayfromhislove,hislife,Iwillnot.Iamindebtedtohimforaslongashefeelsindebtedtome.Thankfullyforus,wehavebutafewdaysleftofobligationinthiscruelpurgatory.OnlyafewmoredaysofskirtingthroughtheshadowsonthestoneVolterrastreets.Onlyafewmoredaysofwatchingourcomradesdevourtheirprey.Onlyafewmoredaysofusingmytalentto
aidtheVolturiinanywaythatIcan.Andthenwearetobegivenleave.Carlisleshalljoinhisfamily,theonethateagerlyawaitshisarrivalinIthaca,NewYork.I…well;Iwillnotfollowthatpath.MyonlyintensionistonotdisappointCarlisleinthecountlesswaysIhavedonebefore.IamnotsureIwillsucceed.
Istandnearthefarwallasthegroupfilesin.Theyarepredominatelymadeupoftourists,thoughIcanhearafewnativethoughtsinterspersed.Heidiseemsveryproudofhercatch.Icantellbythewaysheflauntsherassetsasshelinesuptheprey,andthewaysheeagerlyanticipatestheapprovalfromhersuperiorsforherfantasticwork.Idigmyfingernailsintothestonebehindmyback,tellingmyselfnottobecomeoverwhelmedbythesheeramountofbloodintheroom.Gallonsupongallonsofblood.Warmandsaltyandhumanblood.No.
Itakeadeepbreaththroughmynoseandstifleagroan.
"Edward,son,checkfornatives?"
IdonotknowwhyAroalwayschoosestospeaktomealoud.TherestoftheVolturitendtotakeadvantageofmygift,onlyspeakingaloudwhentherearemultiplepeopleintheroom.Iamconstantlyansweringtothoughts,anditisrarethatIactuallyhearaperson'svoice.Aro,though,isentirelytheopposite.Heisabletoblockalmostallofhisthoughtsfrommethroughconcentration.Onlybitsandpiecesseepthrough.Itissomethingakintojealousy,Ibelieve.Hedoesn'tapproveofvampireshavingtheupperhandaroundhim,evenifheisonlythinkingtrivialthoughts.
"Yes,"Inodandquicklyscanthroughthethoughtsofthehumans.Ipluckafewfromthegroup.Thoughtheyarewearingclothesthatsignifyatourist,theyareactuallynativetoVolterra.Theyarehusbandandwife,andtheyrunasmallshopinthecenterofthetown.Theysellsmallcommemorativeitemslikekeychainswithnamesonthem,andpostcardsoffieldsandtowers.Themanknowsexactlywhereheis.Hehasheardstoriesofthisplace,thisdungeon.Hiswife,ontheotherhand,isincompleteawe.Sheisslowerthanheismentally,andherthoughtsprimarilyconsistofthevastnessofthespace.Shewondershowmanyofheritwouldtaketoreachtheceilingoftheroom.Iknowtheansweristwenty-seven."Thosetwo,"Isay,pointingtothemanandhiswife.
Arosighs,runningahandthroughhislong,darkhair.Hedoesn'tlikeitwhennativesgetthisfarintotheprocess,buthestillwantstokeephisrecordofnoVolterracitizencasualtiesduetovampires.
"Heidi,"Arosayscalmly,thoughtheentireroomknowsthatheisdisappointed.Heidi
frownsandscowlsatme,knowingIamtheonewhocaughtherflaw.ShewalksfluidlyovertoAro.Someofthetouristswatchinawe,admiringhergrace.
"Yes,Aro?"shesayssweetly.Herthoughtsarealwaysborderingonnauseating.
"Mistakesarenottolerated.Youknowthat,"hescoldsasifsheisachild.Heidibowsherheadaccordingly,thoughnotbeforeshootingdaggersatmeonherwaydown.Irollmyeyesandleavetheroom.ThatisallIamneededforhere,andIsurelycannotstayforwhentheyconsume.Consume.Ievenshudderattheword.InthebackofmymindIrealizethatoneofthehumanshasnoticedmydeparture.Sheisyounger,aboutfourteenorfifteen,thoughherminddoesn'tspecify.ShewonderswhyIamleaving.Shewonderswhymyeyesareadifferentcolorthantherestofthem.Shewondersifsheisgoingtodiesoon.
Itisstrange,foritisalwaystheyoungestmindsthatknowtheyaregoingtodiebeforetheolderones.Theeldersaremoretrainedtoblockoutthebadandignoreit,whereasthechildrenseeexactlywhatisputinfrontofthem.Theyseethroughthefacadesofpleasantryandluxury.Theyfeelthetensioninthepale-skinnedbodiesthatwatchthem,eyeshungrywithwant.Theyknowtheirlifeisendingbeforeitdoesjustbythewaytheairtastes–coldanddeadandlifeless.
Iignoreherentirely,thoughIdoquickenmypaceinfinitesimally.ItismanyyardsawaybeforeIfeellikeIamabletobreatheagain.Iamoutofrangeofthethoughts.Iknowfrompriorexperiencethatanyglimpseintothemindofavampirefeedingismyquickestandshortestdownfall.Icrossmyarmsovermychest,theVolturirobessweepingoutfrombeneaththemandtrailingalongthefloor.Thethickblackfabricisweightlesstome,andbeneathitallIwearisdarkbluejeansandawhitet-shirt.
CarlisleisinhisstudypouringoverhisextensivecollectionofbookswhenIfindhim.Thisiswhereheisthemajorityofthetime.Icannotfathomhowhecontinuestofindnewrevelationsinthewordshe'smemorizedafterthefirstread.Imyselfbecomequicklyboredwiththem.Afteroneread,themysteryisgone.Afterenoughreadsofthesamegenre,Icanpredicttheendingsofbooksunread.ButCarlisle—heperusesthesametextsoverandoveragain.Heisconstantlysearching.
HisgoldeneyesflitupwardstomeetminewhenIentertheroom.Henodspolitelyingreeting,thenreturnstohisresearching.
"Whatareyoulookingforthistime?"Iask,sittingdownatarockingchairinthecornerofhisstudy.Everywallislinedwithbooksfromfloortoceiling.Therearenowindows,fortherecannotbeunderground.Thereareevenpilesuponpilesofbooksonthefloor,stackingupwardsinhaphazardreachestowardtheheavens.
"Nothinginparticular,"heanswers,doingmethecourtesyofusinghisvoice.Justpassingtime,hethinksasanafterthought.
Justpassingtime.Thatistheentiretyofmyexistence.FrozenandstoicIwaitastimepassesme.Iameverreachingfortheyearonehundred,whereIwillsetCarlislefreeofhisimaginedobligationtome.Ipickupthebooknearesttomeanddon'tbothertoreadthecover.Theparchmentissoftandfragileinmyhands,asmostthingsare,thoughthisparticularbooklooksweatheredandold.Ifingerthroughthepages,carefulnottotearanystrayfromthebinding,andglanceoverthewords.Theyallblendtogetherformenow,ameaninglessjumbleofanauthor'sfutileattempttoexplainthephilosophiesoflifeanddeath.Itishardtorelatetothenovelswhentheyaresoutterlyunrelatable.
"Tomorrowisyouronehundred,"Carlislementionscasually,thoughhisthoughtsbelayhisexcitement.Hehasbeencountingdowntotheday,thehour,theminute,thesecond,untilheisfreetoseehiswife.
"Yes,"Ismile,happyforhim.ThoughIcannotreconcilethefactthatIhavekeptthemapartforanentirecentury,Ifeelinfinitelybetterinknowingthathewillseehersoon.
"Iknowwhatyouarethinking,"Carlisleassumes,settingdownhisbookandinsertingasmallvelvetbookmarker.Hesetsthebookaside,ontopofoneofthenumerousbooktowers,andleansbackinhisleatherstuddedchairashisthoughtsaccuseme.
ItisnotyourfaultthatIhavenotseenEsme.Youknowthis.Itismine.Ibroughtyouhere,andIchosenottosimplyabandonyoubecauseofmyownselfishness.Donotblameyourself,son,formydecisions.
Heiscarefulnottocallmeamistake.Heevencensorshisthoughts.
Iwatchashismindplaysoutmy"rebirth."Itis1918,99yearspriortoourpositionnow,thoughCarlislelooksidenticaltothemansittingacrossfromme.I,ontheotherhand,donot.Hismindbrieflyglancesatmyface,thoughIamsurehememorizedittotheminutedetailonthesmallglance.Myhairisindisarray,andisclosertobrownthantheauburnitisnow.Myeyesareclenchedshut,thoughIknowfromCarlisle'sothermemoriesthattheywereonceadarkgreen,thesamecolorasmymother's.MyfaceissweatyandIlookboyish,thoughgauntfromsickness.Thatpersonisa17-year-oldhuman.Heisinnocentandnaïveandhedoesn'tknowwhatisgoingonaroundhim.Heenjoyshismother'scookingandtakingwalkswhenitissunnieroutside.Heispoliteandcarefree,butalsoreckless.Hewantstojointhemilitary,
thoughheknowshewouldcedetohismother'swishesifshesodesired.
Iamnolongerthatboy,thatperson.
CarlisleisonbriefleavefromtheVolturiinChicago,thoughstillamemberoftheguard.ItisarulethatanyvampirecreatedunderguardvenomalsoneedstofulfilltheonehundredyearobligationtotheVolturi.
Carlisle'smindthencoversElizabeth'sdyingface.Ifrownminutely,thoughCarlisle,stuckinhismemory,doesnotnotice.Shepleads,shebegs,sheknowswhatCarlisleis.Thereisnodenyingthis.Elizabethwantshersontoliveatallcosts.
Myhandsrunalongthesolid,deadskinofmyarmsandwrist.Theimpenetrablesteel,abodyencasedinsolitude.Iwonderifthisiswhatshewouldhavewantedforme.IwonderifthiswasthelifesheanticipatedIwouldhavewhensherequestedherfinal,dyingwish.
Carlislebreaksfromhismemoriesthemomentbeforehebites.Justafterthepointwhereherelishesinthefinalthoughtsbeforehisactions:finally,acompanion.
"Iapologize,"Carlislesighs,thoughIknowitisnotjustfordelvingintohismemoriesrightinfrontofme.Itisformuchmore.
"Noneed,"Irespondquietly,andwelapseintosilenceoncemore.
Carlisle,AroandDemetriaretheonlybeingsItrulytalkto.TherestIacknowledgewhenImust,thoughtheirthoughtshaveawayofminglinginmybrainandcloudingmythoughts.Itisbeyondfrustrating,andIoftensufferedfromdebilitatingheadacheswhenIwasanewbornvampire.ItwasoneofthethingsthatintriguedArothemost–avampirethatcouldactuallybecomeill.Overtime,Ihavegrownaresistancetotheexcess.Iamabletopushthemajorityofittothebackofmymindandmufflethem.Therearestilltheproblematicfew,ofcourse.Heidiincluded.Herincessantinternalramblinghasawayofcrawlingundermyskinandmakingmecrazy.
Carlisleshufflesthroughhisbooksforabitlonger.Isitpolitelybesidehim,monitoringmybreathingcarefully.Weareonlytworeclusesstucktogetherandsurroundedbybooks.
Itistwentyminuteslaterthattheforceofhisthoughtalmostmovesmephysically.
"Yoursinger…"Carlislesayssuddenly,almostexactlyintimewithhisthought.
"Youdon'tthinktheywouldactuallygetmeone,dothey?"Iasktentatively.Iam
simultaneouslyexcitedandappalled.Iknowthatthiswillcausemetofailand,inaway,Iwelcomeit.Ihaveseenthemindsoftheoldervampireswhentheyrecollectuponthedaytheyreceivedtheirultimategift.Thereisliterallynothinglikeit–thebloodsosweetthatitissaveduntilthedayArodecidestogiveit.Atthehundredthyearofservice,ArorequestsDemetritolocatethevampire'ssinger.SinceDemetrihasseenmefeedonhumansbefore,heisabletoautomaticallylocatemysingerintheworld.Itisapeculiartalent,andonethatdoesnotgounnoticed.Thesingerisquitepossiblythebestgiftthatavampirereceivesinhisorherentireexistence.Mymouthwatersjustthinkingaboutthepossibilityofbeinggivenone.
"Ithinkso,thoughyou'llhavetoaskDemetritoconfirm,"Carlislereplies.
"Hehasn'tbeenaround,"Imurmur.Demetrimysteriouslydisappearedapproximatelytwodaysprior,thoughnooneseemstoknowaboutit.IassumeArohassomethingtodowithit,butheblockshismindfrommetoosufficientlyformetobeabletotell.
"Heisprobablygoingtolocatethesingerforyou,then.Afterall,heisn'treallyusedforanythingelse,andnootheryoungvampireisevenclosertotheircenturion,"hesays,scratchingtheabsurdlypaleskinofhischingently.
Isighandlinkmyfingersinatree,crossingthembeneathmychin.
"Iwillkillthehumaniftheydo,"Iadmittohim,bettertodoitnowthantoseehisdisappointmentafterIdevoureverylastdrop."Istruggleevenmaintainingcontrolwiththelargegroupofthem,andtheydon'tsmellevenclosetowhatthesingerwill."
You'lldofine,hepraiseswithoutthinking.
"Carlisle,"Isay,harshernow.Heneedstobelieveme."Iwillkillit.Thereisn'tachance."
"Ididn'tkillmysinger,"Carlisleremindsme.Irollmyeyes.OfcourseCarlisledidn'tkillhissinger.PerfectCarlislehasneverkilledagoddamnfly.Maybeadeerorsix,butnotevenafly.Iharrumphandleanbackinmyseat,remembering.
"Youdidn'texactlyseeherlong.Didn'tyouhaveDemetricartherofftosomeuntraceablelocation?"Iscoff,pursingmylips.
Iwatchashismemoriesflypastbeforemyeyes.Hissingerwasanelderlywoman,probablyaroundtheageoffifty.Atthetime,herlifespanhadlongsurpassedtheaverageexpectancyofhumans.Herhairwasgrayedinstreaksandwindblownoffofherface.Formerly,itwouldseemasthoughherhairwasalight,lightblond,thoughthepartsthatwerenotgraywerealmostwhiteinthemoonlight.Atthattime,the
Volturiheldtheirritualsoutsideandnotundergroundastheyhavethemnow.Thewomandidnotevenlookfrightened.Herposturewasstrong,eveninthefaceofapanelofethereal,ghastlyvampires.ThroughCarlisle'smemories,Ihearhimsnapandgrowl,obviouslybeingheldbackbyanothervampire.
'Bonappétit,'Arosmilesinhismemory,lookingexactlythesameashedoestoday.
Carlisle'sgrowlsbecomelouder.Arocackles,beckoningforthevampirebehindtheelderlywomantobringherforward.Hedoessoslowly,andIhearthetormentinCarlisle'sattemptsatresistanceoneachandeverystep.Evenbackthen,hepridedhimselfonnotkillinganything,anyone.Butasthewomanapproachedhim,Icanfeelhisresolvebegintowaver.
Perhapsjustonetaste.
Thescentistoostrong,thescentistoopowerful,thescent,thescent.
'Iwilltakeheroutlikeyourequested,Carlisle.Iwilltakeheraway,'thevampirespeaksintoCarlisle'sear.ItisDemetri,hisvoiceloudandclearoverCarlisle'scriesofthehunt.Andthen,likelightning,CarlisleisleftunguardedasDemetrisweepsthewomanupintohisarmsandleavesfasterthansight.Arolooksmildlyannoyed,watchingCarlisleashedigshimselfintotheearth,forcinghimselftostaystill.
'Suchadisappointment,'ArogrumblesasCarlisletakeslarge,deepbreathsofthecleanerair.HismemoriesaresoclearthatIcansmellthedewygrassinhislungsandtheverylastremnantsofthebloodthatsangtohim.
"YouarestrongerthanIam.Youalwayshavebeen,"IsayonceCarlislepullshimselffromhismemories.
"Thatisnottrue.Idonothavetodowhatyoudoeveryday.Monitoringthethoughtsofthehumansbeforethemeals…readingthethoughtsofthesuspectedcriminals…Iwouldsurelycrack.Youdonot.Iamproudofyou,andIdon'tsaythatoftenenough."
Iduckmyheadandpinchthebridgeofmynose.
IthenthankhimforthewordsIdon'tdeserve.
Thoughmyeyesarenowgolden,theywerenotsixmonthsago.
JulieAndrews;herbloodsmelledofrosesandhoneywithahintofstrawberries.ThecloserIgot,theeasieritwastobedrawnin,toconsume.
Twoyearsago,FrancisDem.Hiseyesweretoolargeforhisfaceandhischintoopointed,buthisbloodwassopotentthatIcouldnotholdback.
Threemonthsbeforethat,an18-year-oldgirlnamedMolly.IdrainedhersofastthatIdidnotevencatchherlastname.
Therearemore.Tens,hundreds,countless.Manyofthemweremembersoffamilies.Theywereloversandsonsanddaughtersandbrothersandsisters.Itookthataway—Iconsistentlytakethataway—andpeopleareleftwithouttheircompanionsforeternity.Everyoneofthemhadsomeone,andthosepeopleallhadtolivewiththatloss.Becauseofme.
Wearesilentagain,butnotforlong.IhearJaneapproaching,herthoughtsannoyed.Shedoesn'tlikeitwhenAromakesherthemessenger,butshewilldoalmostanythingtopleasehim.HersmallfeetechodownthestonehallwaytoCarlisle'sstudy,butthenoiseiscloudedbytheoverlappingthoughts.EventhoughIhearthatsheneedsme,Imakenomovetostand.Shehesitatesbeforeopeningthedoor.Iamnotsurewhybecausesheisnotsurewhy.Still,thedooropensandbothCarlisleandImeethergaze.
"AroneedsEdwardforajob.Quickly,"shesaysandthenpivotsonhertoes,alreadywalkingaway.Herthoughtsareevenmoreannoyed;Arodidn'ttellherthedetailsofthejobandsheisnotinvolved.Iamsurehewillrequestherservicelater,though.Ofcourse,thatfactdependsonmeandmealone.
Iknowwhatthisis.
Thisisatrial.
Sureenough,thethreeeldestvampiressitclothedinwhatlookslikejudge'sgarb.Theyarewatchingasayoung,dirt-encrustedvampirestrugglesagainstthetwoguardsholdinghim.Aronodsslightlyandthevampireispusheddowntohisknees.Hehissesandgrowls.MybrowfurrowsandImovetostandbyAro'sside.Janelookspeeved,thoughleavestheroomquickly.IfArodoesn'tspecificallyinviteavampireintoatrial,theyarenotallowedtostay.Janeknowsthis,andthedoorechoesafterherdeparture.
"Ah,Edwardhasreturned,"Arosmiles,claspinghishandstogether.Theremustbeaspecificproblemwiththisvampire,forAro'stouchusuallysufficeswhenitcomestoreadingthethoughtsofavictim.Iamonlyrequestedincertaincircumstancesthatusuallypertaintowhatthevampireintendstodointhefuture,forArocanonlyreadthethoughtsthatthevampirehadinthepast.
"Yes,"Inod,"Asyourequested."Thevictimturnshisheadtowardme,nowawareofmyarrival.Ilistenasheassessesme.Thefirstthinghenoticesismyeyes,asmostdo.Hewondershowitispossiblethattheyaresuchaputridshadeofgold.Hisareabrightrubyred,shiningintheirsockets.HisnameisWilliam.HelivesinIreland,thoughrecentlyhestruggledwithalargecoventhatalsoinhabitsthearea.Heisconvictedforpublicfightingwithamemberofthecoven,alongwithhumanawarenessofthefighting.HehasalreadyassuredArothathewillneverfightwithanyofthecovennorreturntoIrelandagain,thoughAroisnotsurehebelieveshim.WilliamhasaloverinIreland,andsheisnotwillingtoleaveherhomeland.
"Howmuchhaveyouheardinthesefewminutes?"Aroaskscalmly.
"Oh,justgetonwithit,"CaiusgrumblesbeforeIanswer,alreadythoroughlyboredwiththesituation.
"Patience,myfriend,"Aroreplies.
"WilliamfoughtwithavampirenamedDerek,amemberofalargecoveninIreland.WilliambeganthefightduetoDerek'sinsinuationsthathewassleepingwithhismate,Delilah.Threewomennoticedtheirfight,thoughtheywerekilledpromptlyafterthefightwassettled,"Imurmur.Williamlooksatme,eyeswidewithsomethingakintobetrayal,growlingwhenIspeakDelilah'sname.Iamusedtothislook.Itishatred.
"Suchtalent,"Arosighsslightly."Ahwell,jealousywillgetmenowhere,rightEdward?"
Caius,MarcusandIwaitasAroplayshislittlegame.Itisthegamethatmakesthevictimsufferinawaitinghisfate.ProlongingthemomentisoneofAro'sfavoritepastimes.
"William,"Arobeginspolitely,"WillyoubereturningtoIrelandafterthistrialifweletyoufree?"
Almostimmediately,William'sthoughtsrunoverdriveasheattemptstocoverthemfromme.Thatistheconstanttragedyinthis,forindesperatestrugglethethoughtsarealwaystheloudestandclearest.ThelovethatWilliamholdsforDelilahbringsanachetomychest,andIavertmyeyestoseeMarcusreactingsimilarly.ItissomethingIneverfeelexceptinthethoughtsofothers.William'seyesmeetmine.Theyarebegging,pleading.Theyaskmetonottellthetruth.HeknowshecannotstayawayfromIreland,fromDelilah.Hecannotabandonhismate.
Ibowmyheadinapology.ThereisnothingIcando.Arocansimplytouchmypalm
andhearwhatIhavejustheard.
"Edward?"Aroprompts.
Iamhisjudge,jury,andexecutioner.
"Yes,"Imanage,"Hewillbereturning."
"Youbastard!"Williamscreamsaloud.
Theyarethefirstandlastwordshewilleveruttertome.
I'musedtoit.
Withnewfoundrageandonlymillisecondsafterhisdecision,Williampushesawayfromhiscaptorsandthrowshimselfatme.Inarrowlydodgeandhelandsontheballsofhisfeet,pivotingandbearingallofhisteethatme.
IglanceovertoAro,seeinghimrollhiseyesinannoyance.
"Jane,"hesighsquietly.
Immediately,JaneisbymysideandWilliamiswrithingonthefloorinagony.ItisclearthatJanewaswaitingoutsidetheentiretrial,clearlycountingonthismomenttooccur.ThetwomembersoftheguardgatherWilliamupanddraghisscreamingbodybackbeforeAro,Marcus,andCaius.
"Thankyou,mypet."
Thescreamingstopsimmediately.Jane,withasmallsmileonherface,walksdaintilyfromtheroom.I,ontheotherhand,amnotdismissed.Iamneverallowedtoleavebeforetheperpetratordies.IstandtotherightofAro,myfacestonyandneutral.Iamcarefulnottobetrayanyemotionafterthispoint.Afterall,thereisnothingIcandotohelp.AnythingIsayordowillonlyservethepurposeofputtingmeindanger,andwithonlyafewdaysbeforeCarlisleandIaregivenleave,itissomethingIamnotwillingtodo.
ThereisnolongerhateconsumingWilliam.Thereisonlydefeat.
Iwatchwithastoicexpressionashislimbsarepulledapartandburned.IfindmyselfwonderingwhetherDelilahwillfeelthepainofhisloss,orifsheevertrulylovedhim.Afterall,shewasn'twillingtoleaveIrelandforhim.Howmuchcanbesaidforlovelikethat?
"Thankyou,Edward.Wealwaysappreciateyourcompany.Ilookforwardtoseeingthedecisionyoumakeafterthecenturionceremony."
Great.
NotonlyamIreceivingasinger,butArothinksthatIwillstaywiththeVolturiguardaftermyobligationisup.
"AmIdismissed,Aro?"Iaskpatiently,betrayingnothing.
"Yes,myboy.We'llseeyoutomorrowforthebigday."
Thebigday.
Great.
IreturntoCarlisle'sstudytofinditempty.ItisemptynotjustofCarlisle,butofallofhisbelongings.Clearly,hehasalreadypackedupinanticipation.Iknowhowrampanthisthoughtshavebeen,howexcitedhehasbeenwiththeprospectoffinallylivingwithhiscoven,hisfamily.Hedoestrytohidethemajorityofitaroundme,thoughsomeofitslipsthroughthecracks.
IamrunningmyhandsalongthebarrenwallsofthestudywhenCarlislewalksin.EventhoughIcansensehimbehindme,hestillknocksonthedoorframewithhisfist.
"Howaboutwegoonacelebratoryhunt?It'sourlastfewhourshere,afterall,"Carlislesuggests.
"Sure,"Iagree,andbythetimewearebackinVolterrathesunisrisingandmyfailureisimminent.
"Youarestrong,"Carlisleremindsmeasweenterthedarktunnelsthatleaddownward."Ihavefaithinyou."
"Thatmakesoneofus,"Imutter.IhavenodoubtthatIwillsuccumbtothepowerofthisscent.Mymouthisalreadywateringonlyimaginingitspotency.
Whenwefinallyenterthemainroomalloftheguardisgatheredandready.Isnifftentativelybutsmellnothing.CarlislemovesofftothesideandIseethatArohasbeckonedmetowardhim.Iwalkover,myrobesskirtingacrossthestone,thenoiseawhisperingbreath.
"AnymomentnowandDemetriwillbehere,"Arogrins.
IseeCaiusalsogrinning,thoughitisclearlysnideandnotanticipatory.Marcusmeetsmyeyewithhisusualapatheticstare,thoughIseeasmalltwinkleinthemthatperplexesme.
Bestrong,Marcusthinks.Histhoughtsringloudandclearbecausehedoesnotblockthemfromme.Istareathimforamomenttoolong,andthenlookaway.
IsmellherbeforeIseeher.
Icannotevendescribeit.
Pureandall-encompassingwant.
Iwantit.
Iwanther.
Iwant.
Now.
AgrowlripsthroughmythroatbeforeIcancontrolit.
Sheisn'tevenaroundthecorneryet.
Theguardsnickersandsneers.Theylovethesetypesofshows.Iheartheclumsyfootstepsofahumanpairedwiththelighttreadofavampire.Theyareclose.Oh,theyareclose.MyhandpuncturesstoneasIholdmyselftothewallbehindAro'sthrone.
TheyturnthecornerandIcan'tregisteranythingexceptforthatscent.
Iwanttokill.
Arosmiles.
"Bonappétit."
ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sHamlet.
ClaudiusisaskingGodtoabsolvehissinsafterhemurdershisbrotherinordertoobtainthequeenandthepositionaskingofDenmark.
Thankstorevragfortheread.
Youcanalsoreadthisatwww(dot)adifferentforest(dot)com.
IdonotapologizeforkillingJulieAndrews.
Chapter1of8.
somesayinice
Willthereeverbeanend?
AllthatisneededisonetasteofthesinthatIcrave.Wretchedfingersreachlistlesslyforward,thoughtheycatchonlyairastheysearchfordesire.Controllingtheelements,Iamfraughtwithhavoc.Iaskforforgivenessandreceivenone.Andnow,inmywild,emptyabandon,Iamasinkingshipfallingdeeperintoemptyoceans.
Thereisnoescape,nobreath.Surroundedbythepressuresoflifeanddeath,Igasp.
Thereisnoturningbackfromhere.
Iaminblood
Steppedinsofarthat,shouldIwadenomore,
Returningwereastediousasgoo'er.
Thewaterisbloodnow.ItseepsintotheporesofmyskinasIthrashmywaytothesurface,drowning.NoairisneededbutIstillreachoutforsomething,someone.ItpushesdownonmybodyandonmysouluntilIcannotfeelthemanylonger.
IamabodyfilledwithwhatIhavedone,notwhoIam.
Afragmentedbeingwithonlytheoutermostshell,Ifall.
AndeveninsleeplessdreamIbegtobeliftedfrommywaterygrave,buttonoavail.Thesurf,thesand;itswallowsmewhole.Mybodysinkslikethestonethatitis,andmyregretsarefruitless,myactionsarefruitless.Icallout,"Savemefromthehullofthisship!Savemefrommyeverlastinggrave!"
Butthereisnoanswer.
#
Istruggleagainstthearmsofmyrestrainers.BothDemetriandCarlislepullmeback.MydesireismuchstrongerthanCarlisle'soncewas,andIamveryclosetobreakingfree.Mymindfocusesonsomanythingsatonce.Primarily,ofcourse,mytarget.Sheissoclose,soclose,soclose.IfIcouldjustreachoutandtasteher...
"Edward,rememberwhereyourvalueslie.Youarenotweak,"Carlisle'svoice
echoesinmyear,butIdonotregisterthewords.Allthatconsumesmymindisthepureanduncontrollablewant.Ismellthefearandtheadrenalineintheair,permeatingmynostrilsandminglingperfectlywithherwondrousscent.IthrashagainstthearmsofDemetriandCarlisle.
Letmego.
Letmego.
Letmeconsume.
Saveformygrowlsandthehuman'srapidheartbeat,thereisnosoundintheroom.Iblametheabsenceofthoughttomyfocus.
ThereisnothingIcando.Icannotrestrainmyneedforthishuman.IfIdonothaveher...well,thatissomethingmythroatwillnotallow.Ibreatheinthethickscentthroughmynose,feelingmyeyesrollbackinhowutterlyperfectitsmells.Everybreathismorepotentthanthelast.Iamnotgrowingimmunetothescent;theoppositeishappening,Iamcravingitmore.Ikeepbreathingandthrashingandgrowlinguntilthescentis,forsomestrangereason,muted.
IttakesmeafewmomentstorealizethatCarlisle'shandcoversbothmynoseandmymouth.Butitisn'tenough,forIcanstilltastethescentonthebackofmytongue.Istillcraveitineveryboneofmybody,andmyperfectmemorydoesnotallowmetoforgetwhatitisthatisstillstandinginfrontofme,waiting.
ItfeelslikeagesbeforeIamabletocalmmyreactions,thoughmymusclesarestillbentintenseattack.
"Iwilltakeheraway,Edward,"DemetrioffersasheonceofferedCarlisle.Ishakemyhead.Ishouldbesayingyes,takeheraway,getheroutofherebeforeIdraineverylastdropinherbody.ButI'mnot.
IknowIcancreateafaçadethatwilllastjustlongenoughforDemetriandCarlisletoletmego.AndthenIwillattack,andshewillbedeadbeforesherealizesanyoneintheentiregreatroomhasmoved.Iforcemymusclestorelaxfurther,thoughIstillfeelthemshakingasmymindfightsforcontrolovermybody.Carlisle'shandstillcoversbothmymouthandnose.
"Demetri,Iwillnotallowanothersingertobetakenfromthepremises,"Arosayssuddenly,hiseyesinaslightglareasheregardsthesituation."IknowyoudiditforCarlisle,butthatwassuchadisappointment,nottomentionquiteabore.Edward'sdeservedthis.Haven'tyou,Edward?"
MymouthisstillcoveredbyCarlisle'shand.
Arowantsmetospeak,tobreathe,toinhale.
Butinstead,shespeaks.
"Edward...Edwardisyourname?Edward,IhaveadadandamomandI'mtheonlychild.Mydad...helovesme.HisnameisCharlieandhelivesinWashingtonallalone.Edward?Edward,hedoesn'tevenknowhowtocook.Icookforhim-"Hervoiceisshaking,thoughshepersistsuntilArocutsheroff.
"God,willsomeoneshutherup?"Arosnaps.ThetimesArolosescontrolofhimselfarefewandfarbetween,butthisisoneofthem.Heevenletshismindslip,andIhearhisconcerns.HebelievesthatifIdon'tsuccumbtomynaturalinstinctsandkillthegirl,Iwon'tstayintheguard.Hewantstobreakmeand,ifanything,itmakesmemorestubborn.
FelixmovesbehindherafterAro'srequest.Hedoesn'thavetotouchher,forshepromptlystopstalkingonlyoutoffear.
"Isaid,youfeelyoudeservethis,rightEdward?"Aro'svoicelosesmoreofitspatienceandcontrol.Carlisleunderstandstheorderinhistone.Heslowlybutreluctantlymoveshishandfrommyface.
"Yes,"Icough,butdon'tinhale.IfIweretoinhaleIwouldblowmycoverrightinfrontofeveryone.Icertainlycan'thavethat.Afterall,Iwanttosavorher.Every.Last.Drop.
Shestartlesatthesoundofmyvoiceandwemakeeyecontact.
Istillwanttokillher.
"Thisistakingupanobnoxiousamountoftime,"Caiusgrumbles.
"Iagree.Thisissupposedtobecelebratory.Edward,haveatit!"Arocalls,leaningforwardinhisseatinanticipation.EventhroughAro'srequest,CarlisleandDemetritightentheirholdonmybody.
"Perhaps,"Ibegin,usingthelastofmysavedair,"Icouldhaveherinprivate."
"Areyousure?"Carlislewhispersinmyearforalltohear.
"Hush,Carlisle,"Arosnaps,mullingmysuggestionover.Histhoughtsarenolongerguardedintheheatofthemoment,andIcantellthatthisplacatinghim.He
assumesthatifIstilldrinkherblood,Iwillbemorewillingtostaywiththeguard–publicceremonyornot.Arotapshisfingeragainsthischintoprolongthemomentandthenspeaks."IsupposeIwillallowit.Felix,pleasebringIsabellatoEdward'squartersandleaveherthere.Iwantnooneinsidethatroom,isthatclear?"
Isabella.
Headdressestherestoftheguardwiththeendofhisstatement.Heisnowtryingtopleaseme.Heisholdingontothisworthlesslittlegirlinhopesthatitwillkeepmewiththeguard.
IunintentionallyhissasIwatchFelixmovemypreyfrommysight.Itiswithinmyinstincttopushhimoutofthewayandclaimherasmyown.ShefranticallylooksoverhershoulderwhenImakethenoise,andoureyesmeetonemoretimebeforesheturnsthecorner.
Iinhaleafewminuteslater,buttheairisstilltaintedwithherscent.Icomethisclosetolungingoutafterher,butremindmyselfthatbothCarlisleandDemetriarestillbymyside.IwantnoonearoundwhenIdrainIsabella.Infact,IwantCarlislehalfwayacrosstheworldbeforeIeventouchherblood.PerhapsAroisright.PerhapsitisjustCarlislethatiskeepingmefromwhatisnaturalandrightforavampire,andifhenolongerfeelsobligationtowardmeIwillbeabletoreverttomynaturalinstincts.Eitherway,Ialmostdon'tcare.AllIwantisherblood,andtheonlythingkeepingmesaneisthefactthatIwilldrainherlaterintheeveninganditwillbethebestfeelingIwilleverrelishin.
"Welldone,son,"Carlisleeventuallysays,straighteninghisposition.Ireluctantlymovefrommycrouchandstarepassivelyathim.Ihavemadeupmymind.IamnolongeraffiliatedwithCarlisleandhisways.
Afterall,Iamavampire.
Imightaswellembraceit.
"Wearefreetogotonight.Youdon'thavetogotoyourroombeforethen.Youareoverthehardesthurdle."Carlislelookssorelieved,sohappy.HeclapsmeontheshoulderasifIhavefulfilledhiseverywish.Demetrialsoshakesmyhand,foreventhoughhedoesnotparticipateinourparticularlifestyle,hestillholdsrespectforthosewhodo.
OrsoIthought.
Iknowyou'regoingtokillher.TalktomeonceweseeCarlisleoff.
Demetri'sthoughtstakemebysurprise.IhadassumedthatIhadeveryonefooled.IhavecertainlyfooledCarlisle,though,andIsupposethatisallthatmatters.IbrieflymakeeyecontactwithDemetriandnodmyheadslightly.Carlislenoticesthis,thoughhepretendsthathedoesn't.Hedoesnotwanttoputhimselfinanypositionthatcouldpossiblytakehimawayfromhiswifeandfamily,especiallyinthesefinalhourshehasawayfromthem.
Itakeinaquick,sharpbreath.
Icanstilltasteher.
"You'refreeatmidnight,rightCarlisle?"Iaskwithmysmallamountofair.
"No,we'refreeatmidnight,"Carlislesmiles."EsmeisgoingtopickusupjustoutsideofVolterraat12:15."
Theexcitementshinesinhiseyes,andnowIhavetodestroyit.
Thusismyexistence.
"I'mnotsureI'vemadeadecisionyet,"Imumblequietly.Ofcourse,Carlislehearsinperfectarticulation.Evenhisthoughtsaremomentarilyhaltedasheattemptstoprocessthisnewbitofinformation.
"I'mnotsureIunderstand,"hesaysslowly."Isthisnotwhatwehavebeenwaitingfor?Afreelife?"
Herscenttaintsmytongueoneveryinhale.ItisacruelreminderwhyIhavenotyetmadeadecision.Iwanttotasteher.Iwanttokillher.Iwanttodrainher.
"Yes,thatiswhatyouhavebeenwaitingfor.ButCarlisle,youmustunderstand...Idon'thaveanyoneouttherewaitingforme.ThisisallI'veeverknown."
Thebarrenstonewallsandthevaultingceilings,thehordesofvampiresandthehumanreceptionist,thedark,danktunnelsandtheendlessmidnight;itisallI'veeverknown.
"WhatamI,choppedliver?"Carlisleattemptstojoke,thoughthepainisevidentinhisvoice.IthinkIhaveunderestimatedtheattachmentbetweenus.Afterall,Carlislefirstchangedmeinthehopesofacompanion.Wehavelivedtogetherforone-hundredyears,Carlislesacrificingthoseyearsformeinsteadofspendingthemwithhiswife.
AndwhatamIdoingnow?
I'mthrowingitallinhisfaceforsomeblood.
Idisgustmyself...
...ButIwanthersobadly.
"Ijustneedsometimetothink,"Igroan,rubbingmytempleswithmypointerfingers."But,Carlisle,eitherwayyouhavetogo.Ihavekeptyouherefartoolong."
"Youhavekeptmenowhere,Edward.Thiswasmychoice.Allmine.Donottakecreditformydecisions,"hesnarls,anditisoneofthefewtimesIhaveseenCarlisleanywhereclosetomenacing."Doyouunderstand?"heprompts.
"Iunderstand,"Ibegrudginglyallow.
WespendtherestoftheeveninginCarlisle'sbarrenstudy.Itistheroomfarthestfromthecentercommons,anditisimpossibletosmellherhere.Evenso,Ihavethescentetchedperfectlyintomymemory,andeverysecondwithoutherisphysicallypainful.
Iamsothirsty.
Thoughtherearenomirrors,Iamcompletelypositivethatmyeyesareacharcoalblack.
AllofCarlisle'sbelongingsarepackedawayinbagsandplacedinthecornerofhisstudy.Westandsilently,bothinquietcontemplation.WhenthehoursturntominutesCarlislebeginstopace.HismindworriesaboutEsmeandhisfamily'strip,though,realistically,therecouldnotpossiblybeanythingtohinderit.Iamalmostgratefulatmidnight.Finally,hewillstopworryingandwecanleave.WemeetDemetriattheexitoftheundergroundcity.Ofcourse,wearenotallowedtotrulyleaveuntilArodismissesus.
Itis12:12whenArofinallyarrives.Weallstandathisapproach.
CarlislesilentlyremoveshimselffromtheVolturirobes.WhileArostandsandwatches,hefoldsthemandhandsthemtohim.Arodoesnotshowanyemotion.Hesimplytuckstherobesinsideofhisownandturnstome.Carlisleisnownothingmorethananunpleasantacquaintance.
"Edward,myboy.Areyoustaying?"HealreadyknowsIam.IhavenoluggageandI
amnothandinghimtherobes.
"Forthetimebeing,yes."
"Ah.Edward,youarethekingofambiguousanswers,"hesmilesasifitissomeprivatejokebetweenthetwoofus.Imanageasortofgrimaceinresponse.Aroturnstoleaveandwearefinallydismissed.Carlisle,DemetriandIpickupafewsuitcasesandwalkoutintotheVolterrastreets.
Theyarealmostcompletelydesertedofpeoplesaveforthestrayprostituteortwo.Evenso,wewalkquicklyandstayintheshadows.Itisalmostimpossibleforanyhumantoseeus,thoughIstillkeepamonitorofthethoughtsnearesttous.Afterall,themoonisparticularlybrighttonight,anditgivesusanetherealsortofglow.Ifloatthroughalotdreams.Seeingdreamsisoneofthestrangestthingsaboutbeingabletoreadminds.Itislikeswimmingthroughavortexofthoughtandemotion,bothofwhicharesopureanduneditedthateverymindisequallychildlike.
DemetrimovesclosetomeasifafraidIamgoingtorun.IdohavetoadmitthatIconsidereditafewtimes.Afterall,sheiswaitingformebehindcloseddoors.Iwonderwhatsheisthinking.Iwonderifsheisanticipatingherdeath.
HellknowsIam.
WhenweneartheendofthecityCarlislequickenshisspeed.DemetriandIspeeduptoaccommodatehimasheroundsthecorner.
ThewomanIseejustoutsidethegatesisthesamewomanI'veseenforoverahundredyearsinCarlisle'sthoughts.Herbeautytrulyistimelessinitselegance.Itisthetypethatfitsinanydecade,andisimmunetochangesinstyle.Butwhatmakesherasbeautifulassheis,istheamountoflovethatCarlisleholdsforher.Whenhisthoughtsarefilledwithanticipation,mythoughtsarefilledwithanticipation.Whenhisthoughtsarefilledwithexuberance,mythoughtsarefilledwithexuberance.WhenhisthoughtsarefilledwithloveforEsme,mythoughtsarefilledwithloveforEsme.
Behindheraretwomorecouples,oneofwhichCarlislehasseenbefore.Theothertwoaremysteriestousboth,andIquicklyscanthemindsofthem.Oneiscompletelynormalwhiletheotherperplexesme.IhaveasmallinklingthatIamseeingthingsthathaven'thappenedyet.
"Carlisle,"Esmecoos.Theyembrace.
AndthisiswhatIhaveprevented.
Therestofthepartyshiftsfromfoottofoot.IseethestunningblondRosaliewithhermateEmmettmeetmyeye.EmmettwonderswhyIamstillwearingVolturirobeswhileCarlisleisnot.Asfarasheknows,IamjoiningCarlisleonthistrip.Alice,ontheotherhand,seesafamilyscenewithoutmethere.
Istareather,notunderstandingwhyIamhurtbymyabsenceinthisperfectportrait.
Shestaresunflinchinglybackatmewithasomewhatbenignchallengeinherexpression.
Edward.
ItisAlice.Icontinuetostareatthisstrange,smallvampire.
IfyoukillmyfuturesisterIsweartoGodIwillhuntyoudown,ripyoutopieces,andburnyou.
MyeyeswidenandIgrowl,bearingmyteethather.Ihavenoideawhatinthehellshe'stalkingabout,butIamimmediatelyputonthedefensive.HerimagesofthisstrangefuturedonotholdmeorwhateversistersheisensuringIdon'tkill.Hermindshowsagainafamilyofsix.Shelooksexceedinglyfrustratedbythis,andturnsawayfrommygaze.
WhensheturnsInoticethateveryoneelseinourpresenceiswatchingourinteraction.I,infact,amcrouchingdowninpreparationforafight.Alice'smateglaresatme,hismindclearlydefensiveofAlice.Heevenmovesinfrontofherslightly,butsheisnolongerpayinganyattentiontome.Hermindisacontinuousstringofimagesthatdonotincludeme,andIdon'tunderstandwhyshekeepsthinkingthesamethoughts,thesame...visions?
DemetriplacesahandonmyshoulderandIturntoglareathim.Mynervesfeelwiredandfrayed.EverythingisbeingthrownatmefromeveryangleandIcan'tseemtogetmybearings.Carlislelooksatmewithanexpressionbothgraveandconcerned.Evennow,withEsmeinhisarms,Iamtaintinghishappinesswithmyproblems.IhuffasIattempttoregaincontrolofmyemotions,myfingersflexingatmysides.
Carlisleapproachesmewithasteadyandsmoothgait.
"Pleaseconsiderjoiningourfamily.Iknowthisisallyouhaveeverknown,butplease,considerit,"hesayssoftlyaswepart.
"Thankyoufortheoffer,Carlisle.Thankyouforeverything."InoticethatAliceglares
atmeasIspeak.Sheistheonlyonethattrulygraspshowdesolatemytoneis.
TheyallturnawayfromDemetriandme,thetwocloakedvampires.Theylookalmosthumanwhentheywalk.Itmustleakintothemafterbeingaroundhumansforsolong.Theyevenhavethemannerisms.Theyoccasionallytouchtheirhair,theyswingtheirarms,theyholdhandsandmovethemaround.Iwatchwithasmallamountoflongingandalargeramountofconfusion.DemetriistheonewhoendsupturningusbackintoVolterra.
"It'sstrange,isn'tit?"heasksaswewalk.Thewaytheyarealmostlikehumans.Ibetyousympathize,though;especiallyconsideringyourspecial…diet.
"No,Ithinkit'sstrange,too.Ican'timagineeverlivinglikethat.Surroundedbyhumansallofthetime...Ifindithardjusttobeinaroomwithonlyafewofthem."
Ourfeetechoacrossthedeserted,stonepathwayaswewalk.Ourvoicesaremuted–toolowforanyhumantohear.Thecloserwegettotheentranceoftheguardarea,themoremymindfocusesonwhatisawaitingmeinmybedroom.
Still,Iamsothirsty.
IrefocustorealizethatDemetriistalkingagain.
"Yourpowertoabstainstillastoundsme.BothyouandCarlislearefreaksofvampirenature."
"Isn'tthatabitcontradictory?"Ismile.
Perhaps,heallows,sharingmysmile.
WearewellonourwaythroughthedarktunnelswhenDemetrispeaksagain.
"Whereareyougoingafterthis?"heaskscalmly,thoughIknowexactlywhatheisgettingatthroughhisthoughts.HeiswonderingifIamgoingtogotoher,andifIamgoingtodrainher.Hewonderseventhoughhealreadyknowstheanswer.Hehimselfdrainedhissingerinlessthanthirtysecondsrightinfrontoftheentireguard.Ofcourse,Demetriwasn'texactlytryingtostayawayfromhumanbloodatthetime.
"I'mgoingtomyroom,Ithink,"Isayinaremarkablysmoothtone,thoughmytonguerunsslowlyalongmyteethinpreparation.
Edward,tryandthinkaboutwhatyou'redoing.Iknowthatyou'rebetterthanthis.Iknowthatyou'rebetterthanus,hesaysfervently.Andthenwehavestoppedmoving
andthewallsofthedarktunnelshaveshadowedhisfeaturesinawaythatlooksalmostvile.
"Iamnobetterthanyou,Demetri.Trustmeonthatone,"Ireply,chucklinghumorlessly.
Butifyoudon'tkillthisgirl,Arodoesn'tcontrolyouanymore.You'rebetterthanhim,Edward.Hewon'thaveanyholdonyouanymore.Youwillbefreefromthis.
"Free...andthenwhat,Demetri?So,I'mfree?ThenwherethefuckdoIgo?"
ThetimesthatIuseprofanityareuncommon,butwhenIdouseit,itissurelywithgoodcause.IfigurethatitissomethingingrainedintomebythecultureIgrewupin,butinparticularbymymother.OneofthefewthingsIrememberfrommyhumanyearsisthesoapinmymouthafterIcopiedthelittleboyatschool'swords.Evennow,itfeelsdespicableonmytongue.Demetristaresatmewithavacantsortofexpression.Hedoesn'tknowtheanswertomyquestion.Idon'tknowtheanswertomyquestion.
Idon'tknowwhattodoexcepttogiveinbecauseit'seasierthanbreakingout.
IfIhadaheart,itwouldbebeatingrapidly.IfIhadblood,mycheekswouldberedwithanger.IfIhadasoul,itwouldbeashamed.
Hissilencetellsmeeverything.
"That'swhatIthought,"Isnap."I'mgoingtomyroom."
IsoundlikeapetulantchildbutIdon'tcare.IpassAroandCaius,bothengrossedindeepconversation.ArolooksupwhenIpass.Henoticesthedeterminationinmyfaceandfeelsvictorious.
AsIturnthecornerdownintothehallthatleadstomyroom,Ipause.Iinhaledeeply.OnlyfainttracesofIsabellalingerhere.Ifeelthenostalgicremnantsofadrenalinecoursethroughme.Myfingersformuglyclawsandmymusclesclenchinanticipation.
AndthenIpanic.
MymindisracingandIcannotcontrolit.IfleetoCarlisle'sstudyandclosethedoorwithacrash,sinkingtothestonefloor.Theremovedbookshelvesleaveoutlinesetchedinthewallssignifyingtheamountoftimetheyweretherefor.Myeyesrunoverthedifferencesinshade;lighterwherethebookshelvesoncewere,darker
wheretheywereabsent.Iusethesetrivialfactsandfocusonthem.Iamtryingtoignoreallthathashappenedinthisendlessday,but,again,Ifail.
Iburymyfaceinmyhands,lostandconfusedandsodamnthirstythatmythroatfeelslikeitisonfire.
Briefly,IconsidercallingCarlisle.ThefactthatIevenconsideritissomewhatlaughable,especiallyseeingasIhaveonlyjustlethimgo.Thefactthatheisnolongerhereissomewhatisolating.Inolongerhaveacomradeinarmsinthiswretchedplace.Ofcourse,thereisDemetri,butwhothehellknowswhatsidehe'son.Ican'ttellfromdaytoday.
ButwhatisthereformeoutsideofVolterra?
BillionsofhumansIwon'tbeabletodrink,Carlisle,hismateandhisfamily.Thatisallthereis.Howisthatanybetterthanstayinghereandsuccumbingtomytruenature?Thereisnodifference.EitherwayIamdamnedandthatisallthereistoit.
Slowly,Istand.
Ipushmyselffromtheroom,walkingmuchfasterthantheleisurelypacethatiscommonbetweenactivitieshere.InoticethemturnandstarebutIblocktheirthoughts.Idon'tcare;Idon'twanttobejudged.Demetriattemptstogetmyattention.I'mnotsureIcare.Mymindisalreadysetandthere'snochangingit.
"Edward,I–"hebegins,butIpushpasthim.
"Don'ttouchme,"Isnap.Demetribacksoff,appraisingmeasifIwereacompletelydifferentperson.Arogrinstohimself,perchedinthecornerofthegreatroom.Idon'tpayanyattention,buthisthoughtsareunguardedenoughtoletmeknowthatheisproudofme.
Idon'tknowifitisablessingoracurse.
Ihearherandsmellhersimultaneously.HerheartbeatiswildandfranticthoughI'msureshecannothearmyapproach.Ourmovementsaretooquietforhumanstohearourarrival.Itisjustanotheroneoftheridiculousadvantageswehaveoverthem.
Iwonderifshe'sthinkingaboutherimminentdeath.Itisobvious,consideringherperformanceattheceremony,thatsheknowssheisgoingtodie.Iwonderifsheimagineditwouldtakethislongformetomakeupmymind.IwonderifsheknowsIwilldrawitout;IwonderifsheknowsIwillmakeithurt.IwonderifshethinksI'mthe
monsterthatIam.
Itoccurstome,briefly,thatshemustnotbethinkinganythingatall,becauseeveninthisshortrangeIcannothearherthoughts.Imakeanoiseagainstthestoneoutsideofmyroominordertoalerthertomypresence.Herheartbeatquickens,butshestilldoesn'tthinkanything.
Isshestupid?Isshetrulythinkingnothingofherdemise?
Unexplainablyangeredbythis,Iendupopeningthedoortomyroomwithmuchmoreforcethanshouldhavebeenexerted.Thedoorcreaksonitshinges,barelyhangingonasIstormthrough.
Isitunfairthatshelooksexactlytheoppositeofwhatamonstershould?
Yes,itis,becauseeverythinginmeregardsherasthecruelestkindofmonster.Already,shehaspreventedmyleaveofthiswretchedplace,separatedmefrommyonlycompanion,andnullifiedanyattemptatnormalcyIhavestrivedtoestablish.Yet,shesitstherelikesheisthevictim.Shesitstherelikeshehasn'tdoneanythingwrong,likeshehasn'truinedanyone'sentireexistence.
Theaudacity!Shethinkssheisthevictim.Thatiswhatshethinks.
"Pleasedon'tdoit,"shebegsme,staringwiththesewideeyesthatscreamvictim,victim.
Iwonderwhatmyfacelookslikenow.Itmustbemurderous,becausethatishowItrulyfeel.Myeyesfollowadropletofperspirationasitslidesfromhertemple,downhercheek,downherneck.MymouthpartsbecauseIamimaginingthatitisactuallyablooddroplet,andmythroatisofficiallyupinflames.Iinhaledeeplythroughmynoseandafloodofvenomentersmymouth.Iamswimminginit.
Ifitispossibletohatesomeonewithouteverspeakingtothem,Ihavesucceeded.
WhenIopenmyeyesagainshedoesn'tbeg.Iassumethatsheseesthefinalityinthem.Beggingwillnothelpheratall.
Itakemeasuredstepsclosertoher.Shestaresbackatme.Sheistryingtobeunafraid,thoughherbodygivesherawayentirely.EventhoughIcan'thearherthoughts,herbodyreadslikeanopenbook.Herteethslidedownonherlowerlipandbite,butnothardenoughtodrawblood.No,thatismyjobafterall.Shebreathestooloudlyandherheartpoundstoohard.Allofitiscloudingmysensesanddrawingmein.Thereisnojudgmentleft.
Ibite.
Ican'timagineanythingmoreluxuriousormoreghastly.Shedoesn'tevenscreamasIpullsoslowlyitmustbepainful,butittastessowonderfulthatIsimplyignorethesefacts.Atleast,Itryto.TheylingerinthebackofmymindasItrytoenjoythisperfection.Ibecomeangrywiththemandpullharder.Herheartbeatisslownow.Iamrunningout.
Nowwhat?Thenwhat?
Ipullbackwithaquickinhalation.Myteethleaveabloodysemicircleinherneck.
Andthenshestartstoscream.
It'sthevenom.
Istareather;bloodonmyshirt,bloodonmyface,bloodeverywhere.Iamdrowning.
WithahastethatIcannotcomprehend,mymouthisbacktoherneckandIampullingandtasting.There'ssomuchvenom;shewillnotbeabletolivethroughthis.She'sasgoodasdeadandshe'sstillscreaming.Mybrowfurrowsandthebloodisfinallyclean.
Ibreakawayinastrangehazebetweensatiationandlust.Still,sheisasgoodasdead.Herheartisbeating,thoughnotforlong,I'msure.WhenIpickherupsheisbothlimpandweightless.Thedressshewears–somethingIdidnothavethecontroltonoticebefore–issplatteredwithherownblood.Shelookslikeavictiminabloodycaraccident.
Shelookslikeavictim.
Ilayherdownonthecouchinmyroom,droptomyknees,andbegforhelp.
ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sMacbeth.
MacbethhasjustseentheghostofBanquo,themanheorderedtobemurderedundertheprophecyoftheThreeWitches.Heiswonderingwhethercontinuingtokillwouldbeeasierthannolongerkilling.
Thankstorevragfortheread.
Youcanalsoreadthisatwww(dot)adifferentforest(dot)com.
fromwhati'vetastedofdesire
Howcanitbeworthit?
Withleadeneyesandleadensoul,Ifeelaroundinthedarkness.Therearepebblesbeneathmyfeet;jaggedrocksanencasingjailthatsurroundsmybeinginitsentirety.OnefalsemoveandItrip,Ifall,Icrashthroughthesteelystonelikeanicesculpturefaçade.Butit'sendless,endless,andwhenIfeelforyouIfeelnothingatall.
Wanderingamidshadowslikecoarsefragmentsofaformerself,Isurrendertoyou,tome,toeveryone.
Creepsinthispettypacefromdaytoday
Tothelastsyllableofrecordedtime,
Andallouryesterdayshavelightedfools
Thewaytodustydeath.
InthisendlesstunnelIwadewaist-deepinmulch.IfIamgivenlightattheendofthis,attheendofthisnever-endingabyss,Icannotseeit,Icannotfindit.Stonecreviceslurkominouslyabovemyshoulders,reachingdownandtouchingthem,leadingthemwithintangiblepull.
Followme,followthispath,follow.
Atthebrokenbottomofmymindandheart,whereistheretogo?Encasedinnothing,butstrugglingagainstairandlightandsound,Ihurt.
Please,ohplease.
Out,out,briefcandle!
AreyouthereformeoramIwithouthope,withoutsubstance?Perseveringthrough,thoughmyharmknowsnobounds.Thereisnoforgivenessforsuchsinwithyou,withme.Thereissolitudewithyoursmile,happinesswithyourhope,afuturewithyourcourage.Thereisanendtothiscracking,cavingrock.
Life'sbutawalkingshadow,apoorplayer
Thatstrutsandfretshishouruponthestage
Andthenisheardnomore.Itisatale
Toldbyanidiot,fullofsoundandfury
Withtrustundeserved,thereispurposeequallyundeserved.Adrownedsailor,soldier,man,monster,crawlinghiswaytothesurfacewiththepromiseofanend,ofabeginning.
Iaskyouplease,takemeinyourheart,takemeinyoursoul,carryme,showmetheway,showmehowtobe,andIwillbeforeveryours.
Leadmethroughthistunneltodeath,andIwillembraceit.
Signifyingnothing.
#
Sheisn'tdead.
Atleast,Idon'tthinksheis.
Ihaven'tmovedin...Idon'tevenknowhowlong.Itfeelslikeallofmymusclesarefrozeninplace.Iamstillcrouching,headbentatanawkwardangleasIwait.Iexpectedhertodiequickly,andthenIwouldburyherdeepintheearthandputafloweronhergrave.Butsheisstillherebreathingandbeatingandalive.Idon'tbreathebecauseherheartbeatisgettingstrongerandI'mafraidIwillrepeatmyactions.
IfeelsickinmystomachandIcan'texplainwhy.Ihaveneverfeltthiswaybeforeand,honestly,itscaresme.Iamalwaysincontrol.Ialwayshavetheadvantageinalmosteverysituation,thankstomytalentaboveallelse.Butthisstupid,insignificantgirlhasunearthedeverything,leavingmenakedandbare.Andshehasn'treallydoneanything,either.Simplybybeing,shehasthrownmefrommyfeetandleftmebreathless.
Idon'tevenknowwhatI'mwaitingfor.Whatcouldpossiblycomeofthis?Nothing,thatiswhat.
EitherIwillkillherorshewillbekilled.Nohumanssurvivedownhere.Noteventhevoluntaryones.
Itentativelyreachoutandbrushmyfingeralongherankle.Evenatsuchaneutralspot,Ifeelthebloodthumpagainstmyskin,aconstantpressure.Stillholdingmy
breath,Iswallow.ThereareemotionsIdon'tunderstandand,perhaps,don'twanttounderstand.Thereisdriedbloodinherhairandonherfaceandonherdress.
Herkneesarebruised.Fromwhat,Iamunsure.Herskinisunmarredsaveformydisgustingcrueltyatherneck.Itismilkywhiteandabsurdlyangelic,andIrealizethatIhaveyettoremovemycold,deadfingersfromherankle.Isnapthembacklikeareflexandfeelthehumanwarmthslowlyleakfromthem.
Myeyesdarttoherfaceashereyelidsflutterinadisturbinglydelicateway.Hereyelashesbrushsoftlyagainstthethin,fragileskinbeneathhereyes.Andthentheyopen.
Battermyheart,three-person'dGod;forYouAsyetbutknock;breathe,shine,andseektomend;ThatImayrise,andstand,o'erthrowme,andbendYourforce,tobreak,blow,burn,andmakemenew.I,likeanusurp'dtown,toanotherdue,Labourtoadmityou,butO,tonoend.Reason,yourviceroyinme,meshoulddefend,Butiscaptived,andprovesweakoruntrue.YetdearlyIloveYou,andwouldbelovedfain,Butambetroth'duntoYourenemy;Divorceme,untie,orbreakthatknotagain,TakemetoYou,imprisonme,forI,ExceptYouenthrallme,nevershallbefree,Noreverchaste,exceptYouravishme.
Foreveraslavetosin,Iindulgemyselfinthebeautyofhereyes.
Theyarecloudedandglassywithhoursofunconsciousness.Theyrollblindlyintheirsockets,focusingonnothing.Iwaitwithbatedbreath–literally–forhertofinallylookover.Willsherememberorwouldsheblockontheentireevent?Willshehateme?Whydidthatevenmatter?Sheshouldhateme,forIamnearlyhermurderer.
Andthenshelooksstraightatme.ItisanimpenetrablestarethatIcannotpossiblybreak.Iwonderwhatsheisthinkingforthetenthtimeinoneminute,thoughshecontinuestodisappoint.Alwaysamystery,herbrowfurrowsslightly.Shethenreachesupandlightlybrushesherfingersoverthecrescent-shapedwoundinherneck.Reflexively,Iswallow.Shewincesandlowersherhandasslowlyasshebroughtitup.Still,shedoesn'tsayanything.
Idon'tknowhowshe'salive.
"Edward?"sheaskssoftly,quietly.Iwonderhowshecanpossiblyaddressmehumanely,howshecanpossiblyremembermynameaftereverything.InodanddropmyeyestothefloorinshameIbothfeelandunderstand.Ihavefailedmiserablyagainandagain.Shedoesn'tsayanythingoncemyeyesdrop,thoughIhearherbreath;everyinhaleandexhaleisquietandcalm.Again,Iwonderwhatsheisthinking."Don'tbesad,"shesayssuddenly,"Iknewyou'dbemyangel."
Myeyesmovebacktohersontheirownaccord.
"What?"Isnap,anditisaputrid,uglysound.ItisalsothefirstwordIhaveeverspokendirectlytoher.
Herliptremblesslightlyatmyferocity.Whatisitthatsheexpectsfromme?ThereisnothingIcanoffer.
"FromthefirstsecondIsawyouIknewyou'dbemyangel.Myangelinheaven,"shesays,practicallyinawhisper.SheisstaringatmewithsuchintensitythatIalmostbelieveherstatementmyself.Soon,Isnapoutofit.Likeshakingmyheadandremovingmyselffromafog,Ipullmyselfbacktoreality.
"This,"Ibegin,gesturingwildlyatoursurroundings,"isanythingbutheaven.AndIamnotanangel."Ilaughdarkly,mostlytomyself.Shestaresatmeunblinkingly,hermouthpartedslightly.
"Idon'tunderstand..."shetrailsoff,andthensheiscrying.Shecriesthick,wettearsthatlookimpossibletocontrol.Iamstruckdumbbythesituation.Idon'tknowwhattodo,butIdoknowthatIwanthertostop.ThereisthisnewfoundacheinmychestwhenIseehercrying,forhercryingseemsalmostblasphemous.ForeverythingIhavedonetoher,nowImakehercry.
Iduckmyheadandpullatmyhair.
"Pleasestop,"Ibegher,Ibegthefloor.
AndthenIfindmyselfmuttering,"I'llmakeitheaven,I'llmakeitheaven,"overandoverandoveragain.
Sherollsontoherside,curlingintoaball.Ihearthecushionsofthecouchgivebeneathherbodyasshemoves,itsspringscreakingfromdisuse.WhenIlookupagainsheisstaringstraightforward.Shewon'tevenlookatmeandIcertainlycan'ttouchher.EverytimeIinhalemythroatstingsandaches,butIdon'tmove.Idon'tknowwhatsheneeds,whatIshoulddo.Shedoesn'tsayanything,shedoesn'taskforanything.AmIsupposedtoguess?
Afterawhile,shefallsasleepagain.Herhandsunclenchandherfacerelaxes,andIwonderhowlongithasbeensinceshehaseaten.Islowlystand,mymusclesabitstiffaftercrouchinginthesamepositionforsolong.IknowthatIdon'thaveanyfoodhere,butIalsoknowthatIcan'tleaveherdownherealoneandunprotected.Ilookatmyclothesandhers;theyarecoveredinblood.
Ichangeclothesandrobes,andthenshowerquicklytoremovetherestofthebloodfrommyskin.Iscrubfuriouslyhard,feelingindescribablydirtyandwrong.WhenIfinishandreturntomyroomshesitsupstraightonthecouch.Herhairismattedandknottedononeside,andherdressridesuptoohighformenottonotice.Myeyesdarttothepale,whiteskinofherthighsbeforereturningquicklytoherface,theimagepermanentlyplacedinmymemories.ShelooksatmewhenImakesomenoise,jumpingslightlyinhersittingposition.
Therearetwodrieddropletsofbloodathertempleandonhercheek.FromthispositionIcan'tseethemassacreIhavemadeofherneck.
"I...um,doyouwanttotakeashower?"Iask,scratchingthebackofmyneckasIhoverinthedoorway.Sheonlyblinksatme,andIrealizeIwasspeakingtoofastforhertounderstand.Iaskagainandshenodsfervently.ImustremembertocallCarlisleandaskhimhowinthehelltodealwithhumans.Iwonderwhathewillthinkofmysituation.Willhebeangeredwithme?Doeshealreadyknowduetothestrange,smallvampirenamedAlice?Willhespeaktomeatall?
IpushthesethoughtsdownandawaywhenIseeherstandup,thenfalter.
AndIamathersideinaninstantandherhandsaregraspingmyforearmandIamnolongerbreathing.
"Oh,"sheexhalesandclenchesmyforearmwithmorestrength.Icanblamethisstumbletomanythings;lowbloodpressure,lowbloodsugar,clumsiness.Icannotpinpointthecauseexactlybutshedoesn'tseemsurprisedbyit.HerwarmthisincrediblyoverwhelmingandIdon'tknowhowtoextricatemyselffromherhands.Imoveslightlyawayandsheletsgo,droppingherhandsathersides.
"Followme,"Isay,slowlythistime.Shenodsandfollowsclosebehindme.Icanhearherheartrateincreasewhenwestepoutintothehall,thoughmybathroomisveryclose.Herbarefeetmakedullslappingnoisesonthestonebeneathus,andIfindmyselfwonderingwhyshewasnevergivenshoes.Iquicklycometotheconclusionthatnooneexpectedhertolastaslongasshehas.Nooneincludingme.
Iwaitoutsidethebathroomassheshowers.Afewpeoplepassbyme,thoughthey
paymenomind.Infact,theydon'tevenwonderwhyIamstandinginaseeminglyrandompositioninthehallway.Theynotethewaterrunninginthebathroomandthatisall.
Itrydesperatelynottolistentohershower,butIfail.
TherearenoisesthatIcannotpossiblyignore.First,thereisthesoundofthefabricofherdresshittingthefloorofthebathroom.Iknockmyheadintothewallinordertocoverupthesound,butitreverberatesinmymindonconstantrepeat.ThenIheartheshowercreakopen.Thesoundofherfootstepschangefromtheoutsideoftheshowertotheinside.Theshowerturnsonandshegaspslightly;thewatermustbecold.Icanhardlyfeelthetemperaturechangesandcursemyselffornottestingthewaterbeforesheentered.ThenIhearherhandsrunthroughherhair,andthewetsoundofthehairhittingthenakedskinofherback.Myeyesareshutnow,myhandstwitching.Thenthereisthebarely-theresoundofsoaprunningacrossnakedflesh,ofaheartrateincreasing,ofabreathingrateincreasing.Andthen,almostasquicklyasitstarted,theshowershutsoff.
IalmostjumpandmovequicklytomakeitseemasthoughIwasn'thoveringbythedoorandlisteningtohershower.Itthenoccurstomethatshedoesn'thaveanyclothestochangeinto.
"Crap,"Icursetomyself,thendashbacktotheroomandgrabextrarobesandashirt.ItisthebestIcanfind.WhenIreturn,Itaponthedoorhesitantly.Seemingtoreadmymind,sheopensthedooracrackandsticksherhandout.Iamrelievedtoseethatitisfreeofanyexcessblood.Ihandhertheclothesand,oncesheshutsthedoor,inhaledeeply.Mymindisconstantlyswimminginherscent.Iwonderifmystrangeattractiontohermerelystemsoutofmyintensewantforherblood,orifitissomethingelse.Somethingdifferent.
AfterafewmomentsIhearfeetwalkingdownthehallwaytowardme.
IwonderifAroknows...whatisthatsmell?Edward'ssinger?No,doubtit...thereheis.No,eyesarered.Probablyjustlingeringscent.NeedsomeFebrezeforthesehumans...
Janethenproceedstolaughaloudatherownjoke.Shecomesintohearingrangejustintimetohearmesnort.
"Whyareyouhovering,Edward?"shesnaps.Sheiseasilyannoyed,anddoesnotappreciateitwhenanyonelaughsather.Hereyebrowsknittogetherinthecenterandshestaresatmewithherheadcockedtotheside."Youreyesarered.It'smuchbetterthanthatfreakishgold,Ihavetosay.Howwasthesinger?"
MyeyesdarttothesideasIpreparetolie,onlytorealizethatIcansimplytellthetruth.
"Great.Fantastic,"Isayemphaticallybecauseofhowtruemywordsare.Thebloodwasgreat,fantastic.SogreatandfantasticthatIalmostkilledaninnocentgirlforit.
"Iremembermysinger.Hewasthisoldguy;reallyold.Seriously,heevenhadapot-belly.Buthisblood..."shetrailsoff,remembering.Ifindmyselffallingintothelustsheheldforhersinger.VenomcascadesintomymouthasIfeelwhatshefeels,whatsheremembers.Ithenrememberthesingerthatisstandingonlyfeetawayfromme,dressinginmyclothes.Ishakemyheadfromthecloudsforthesecondtimeinoneday.Janestaresbackatme.
Thoughwearesilent,herthoughtsarevery,veryloud.ThisispunctuatedbythefactthatIsabellasuddenlydecidesthatshewantstoleavethebathroom,andJane'seyesdarttotheturningknob.Iquicklystifleitwithmypalmandpushagainstthedoortoensurethatitdoesn'topen.Thereisaconfusedthumpontheothersideofthedoor,thensilence.HerheartbeatisfaintbutIcanhearit.ImonitorJane'snowloud,suspiciousthoughts,butshedoesn'tseemtoheartheheartbeatthatIhear.PerhapsitisloudernowthatIamattunedtoher,foritisalreadyprettyfaint.
Janeinterruptsmytrainofthought.
"You'resortofsociallyretarded,doyouknowthat?"sheaskswithasmallsneer.
"Uh...okay,"Irespond,notreallyknowingwhattosaytothat.
Janejustlaughs,shakingherheadasthoughIamsomesortofnaïvechild.Ifeelasmallpushagainstthedooragain.IwonderifIsabellathinksIhavelockedherinsidethebathroom.Ipushbackinresponse,hopingthatshesomehowrealizesIamtryingtokeepherinthereforherownsafety.
"Well,Istillsmellher.Hopefullyyougotyourfill,becauseevenIadmitthatyoursingersmelledprettydamngood."Janetakesalargeinhaleinordertopunctuateherstatement.Forme,itisstrangetoseesomeonesosmallusingprofanelanguage.Ihaveastrangeurgetoscoldher,thoughIknowshewouldhavemescreamingonthegroundinonlymoments.
"Idid,"Isay,smilingweakly.
"It'snicetoseeyouwithredeyes,Edward.Thegoldwasalmostfreakish.I'llseeyouaround."Shethenswivelsonapointedtoeandwalksinthedirectionshecame
from.Itisnowclearthatshewassuspiciousofme.Apparently,Ihavepassedthetest.Iexhalealargebreathandslumpmybackagainstthedoortothebathroom,collectingmyself.JanecouldhaveeasilyannihilatedIsabella,justlikethat.TheremaybeprotectionforhumansinVolterra,butthereisnoprotectionforhumansunderneathVolterra.
ItakeanotherbreathofdilutedIsabellascent,holdit,thenturnandopenthedoor.Shesitsonthefloor,chininherpalm,swimmingintheVolturirobes.ShelooksupwhenIopenthedoor.
"I'mreallyhungry,"shesays,thenclutchesherstomachbeneaththerobes.
Inodabsently.Nowwhat?
Shestandsandlooksatmeexpectantly.Herhairiswetanddrippingdownthebacksideoftherobes.Iseeahintofthered,aggravatedskinofherneckwheremyteethmadepurchase.Istareatitwithhatred,disgust,andlonging.Still,thoughIputherthroughhellandback,Iwanttoreopenthewound.Irememberthesweetfeelingofherbloodslidingdownbythroat,easingtheparchedache.Wonderfullyghastly,Iwantitallagain.AndthenIlookatherface.Eyeswideandclear,fringedinlashesandeyebrows.Herfeaturesaregracefulintheirdelicacy,andthoughtheyaresomewhatoff-kilter,theyarebeautifulintheirimperfections.Iwonderwhatshethinksofmewhenshestareswithlipsparted.Iwonderifsheseesamonsteroraman.
Mythroatwantshertoseethemonster.
Myheartwantshertoseetheman.
IthenrememberAro'sorder;nooneistocometomyroomwhenIsabellaisthere.Perfect.
Wewalkbacktomyroom,Isabellafollowingcloselybehind.Iwonderifshewillfollowmeanywhere.IwonderwhyIwantthatsobadly.
Isabellawalksbacktothecouchandtentativelysitsdown,theVolturirobesbillowingaroundher.Theblackswallowsherdelicateframebeneathit,marringherinawayIcan'tcomprehend.Shelooksupatmeagain,eyeswide.
"I'llgetyousomefoodbutyouhavetostayinthisroom."Itakeaquick,sharp,painfulbreath."Evenifyouneedsomethingjust...justwaitformetocomeback.Evenifsomeoneasksyoutocomeoutoranythinglikethat."IrealizeIamspeakingtoofastneartheendofmyorder,andvoluntarilyslowdown.Shenodsslightlyand
looksdownatthefloor.IwonderwhatI'vesaidthat'smadeherbreakeyecontact.
"Okay,"shefinallysays.
Imovetoleavetheroom,andthenturnaroundalmostspontaneously.
"Couldyoupromise?Nottoleavetheroom...please."
ShelooksassurprisedasIfeelaboutmyrequest.
"Oh,sure.Imean,Ipromise,"shestammers.Shemeetsmyeyesagainandthebloodpoolsbeneathhercheekbones.ThevenommultipliesinmymouthandIforcemyselfnottoinhale.
"Okay,"Isay,expellingthelastofmystoredbreath.Ibackoutoftheroomandclosethedoorwithasnap,ensuringthatItravelagooddistancebeforeIbreatheagain.Thankfully,themainareaisnearlydesertedandIamabletopassthroughquicklyandeasily.IamalmostoutsidewhenHeidisuddenlyappearsinmypath.Ihaltwhenshestandsinfrontofme.
"Redeyes,"shecomments.
Whyiseveryonetalkingtometoday?AndHeidi,too...
Ireachuptorubmytemples,preparingfortheonslaught.
"Yes,"Ireplycurtly.Iattempttosidestepherbutshematchesmymovementseasily.
"Great.Comehuntingwithmesoyoudon'tgetmeintroublewithAroagain.You'regoingoutanyway,right?"sheasks,thoughshehasalreadymadeherassumptionandisplanningthegatheringsession.Istifleagroan.PerhapsIcangetsomefoodwhilesheisgettingsomehumans,andshecanbemycover.Yeah,sure.
"Okay,"Isighreluctantly.
WewalkoutintothestreetsofVolterrawhereIeventuallyconvinceHeidithatIwillmeetherlatertocheckoverthegathered.Iabsentlyroamthestreetsforawhile,lookinginfoodshopswithoutenteringthem.ItissurprisinglyhardtoshopforsomethingwhenIhavenointerestinit,nordoIunderstandit.IthinkbacktoIsabella,waitingformeinthebedroom.Mybedroom.
Nowisprobablyagoodtimetohunt.
Irunfast,mylegspoundingagainstthegroundasIsprintaftermyprey.Thesmall
animallooksatmewithfear.ItknowsIamapredatorjustbyitsinstincts.ItfleesasIchaseafterit,exhilaratedbythecleanairandthefeelingoftheplantsthatsnapeasilyagainstmyskin.Finally,myteethsinkintothefur.Mybodyisexcitedfortheplunge;itdoesn'texpectthebloodtotastethickandputrid.Ialmostspititout,thoughIswallowitreluctantlyforsatiation.
DidIsabellaruinmeforthisaswell?Somehow,Iamnotsurprised.
IalmoststumblebacktoVolterra.Heidihasalreadygatheredmanyhumans.TheymillaboutintheshadowsasHeidicirclesthemlikeasharkcirclingitsprey.Istopatthegrocerystore.Imovetooquicklyforanyofthehumanstosee,grabbingrandomobjectsoffoftheshelves.Somearebrown,green,frozen,solid,squishy...Idon'tknowwhattheyare,butthevariationintexturesisslightlydisturbing.IgatherenoughsoIknowthatIsabellawon'tbehungry.
HeidistaresatmelikeIhavethreeheadswhenIreturnwiththefood.
"Whatisthatfor?"sheasks,hermindroamingthroughhundredsofpossibilities.
"Experiment,"Ireplycurtly.Endofdiscussion.
"Whatever,"sherollshereyes."Anyofthemnatives?"
Iscanthroughtheirmindsquickly.
"Alltourists,"Isay,andthenbrushpasther.
Idon'tknowhowlongIsabellahasbeenwaiting.Probablyhours,andI'malmostsurethatistoolongforahuman.Willshedie?
Ispeedup,thefoodinmyhandsjostlingaround.Mybodyfillswithsickdread,sickfear.DidImakeanothermistake?AmIworryingtoomuch?WhatthehellamIevendoing?Irushthroughthegreatroomandintomyown,onlytofindhersittinginnearexactlythesamespotIleftherin.
ThesleevesoftheVolturirobesarerolleduppastherelbows.Inoticetheylooktoogaunt,tooskinny.Isthathealthy?Willshedie?
Shestaresatmeforamoment,andthenshesnortsloudly.
IamsosurprisedthatInearlydropthefoodIamholding.IwonderifI'vedonesomethingwrong,andthenrealizethatsheislaughingatme.Ishufflemyfeet,thenwalkovertoher.I'msmilingslightly,thoughIfeellikeIammissingoutonaprivate
joke.
"Edward,didyoubuyfiveTwinkies?"sheasks,laughingharder.
"Yes,Ithinkso,"Iadmit,dumpingthehandfulsoffoodinfrontofher.Idon'tmentionthatIneveractuallypurchasedthefoodsheisgoingtoeat.ShepicksuptheTwinkiesandrollsthemaroundherpalms.Thewrapperscrinklebetweenherhandsandshelaughs,suddenlysqueezingonetightlyandcausingthefillingtoexplodefromtheinside.Honestly,itlooksdownrightdisgusting.
"Youknow,onetime,IwasatthiscarnivalwithmydadinruralWashingtonandtheyhaddeepfriedTwinkies.ItwassogrossthatIactuallythrewupafterwardsintothebushes.CharliehadtoholdmyhairbecauseIkeptspewingchunks."Shethenlaughshysterically,openinguponeoftheTwinkiesandstuffingitinhermouth.Sheswallowstheentirethingintwobites.Itrynottostare.Ifail.
Itentativelysitdownasshecontinuestoeat.Sheintermittentlytellsmestoriesaboutherchildhoodwithoutevenseemingtomeanit.Afterward,IknowaboutherhomelifeinForks,Washington,herfriendJacob,andherfather,Charlie.Shedoesn'taskquestions,onlytalksandeatsasIlisten.Whensheshiftstherobesshowmoreofherskin.
Iwonderifshenoticeshowstillmychestisinabsenceofbreath.
Idoubtit.
SheactslikeIamhernewbestfriend.AmIforgiven?Isitpossibleformetobeforgiven?No.
"Edward?"sheasks,hertonesuddenlydifferent."DoyouthinkitwouldbepossibleformetogobacktoWashingtonsomeday?"
ThequestionissosuddenthatIamsurprised.Shewantstoleaveme?Ofcourse,whywouldn'tshe?
"I...Ithinkso,"Isayslowly.Idon'tknowwhyIamtellingherthis.Ihavenoidea.
Butthenshesmiles,andIknowexactlywhyIchosetheanswerthatIdid.
"Doyoupromise?"sheaskstentatively,bitingdownonherlowerlip.
"Ipromise,"Ilie.
Shefallsasleeponthecouchagain,surroundedbyvariousfoodwrappers.Ipick
themupandhidethem,thoughifanyonegetsasfarasthisroomthewrapperswillbetheleastofourproblems.Shemumblesquietlyinhersleep.Idon'thaveanyblankets,soIpullanothersetofrobesoutandcoverherwithit.Shestretchesoutlikeacatandsighs.
Ialmosttouchher.Myhandhoversoverhercheekcloseenoughtofeeltheemanationofwarmth.Idon'twanttoriskwakinghersosoon,andreluctantlypullmyhandaway.WithonelasthesitantlookIleavetheroom,gentlyshuttingthedoorclosedbehindme.
IclimbtothesurfaceofVolterraagain.Itisdarkoutside,thoughthemooncastsbrightlightsalongtheexposedsurfacesofthecity.Ifindasecludedareafarenoughfrombothhumansandvampires,thenpullmyphoneoutofmypocket.ItisadeviceIhaverarelyused,thoughCarlislegaveittomeafewweeksbeforehismovetoNewYork.Hisnumberisalreadyprogrammedintothephone.Hisdoing,Iassume.
Itonlyringsonce.
"Edward?"Hesoundswindedwhenhespeaks,almostlikehehasjustbeenhunting.Ihearnoisesbehindhim;arustlingfollowedbyvoicesbeingquietedbyothervoices."Areyouintrouble?"heasksafterIdonotspeak.
"Don'tyoualreadyknow?IaskbecauseIassumeAliceislivingwithyou."ThefactthatCarlisleprobablyalreadyknowsmytroublesmakesmeinappropriatelylivid.Hehesitatesbeforehespeaks.Ihearhiminhaleaslow,measuredbreath.
"Yes.Edward,youcannotimaginehowproudweareofyou."Someonespeaksinthebackground,thoughtheyarequietedquicklyafterward.
"Carlisle...Carlisle,Ialmostkilledher.AndnowIhavethisgirlandIhavenoideawhattodowithher,"Iexclaim,myanxietiesbubblingtothesurfaceastheyalwaysdoinconversationwithmypeculiarfatherfigure.
"Butshe'snotdead,Edward.She'snotdead."Wherehisfinalitycomesfrom,Idonotknow.
"Yet,"Ifinishwithasneer.
Carlisleisquietbutwhoeverisnearhimisnot.Afterafewmoments,thereiscompletesilencesaveforCarlisle'ssoftbreathing.
"Youwon'tkillher,Edward.IfthereisanythingthatIamcertainof,itisthat."
"What,didAliceseeit?"Iask,incredulous.
"Hervisionsaren'twhatyouwouldexpect.Theyaresubjecttochangebasedonpeople'sdecisions."
InoticethatCarlisledoesn'tspecificallyanswermyquestion.
"HowdoyouknowIwon'tkillher?"Iaskwiththeuncertaintyofasmallchild.
"BecauseIknowyou,Edward.IamproudofyouandIbelieveinyou.Iknowyoucandothis,"hesayswithintenseconviction.Isighandpinchthebridgeofmynose,pacingbackandforthanxiously.
Ithendecide,foronce,tobelievehim.
ItalicizedquotesUPTO"signifyingnothing"belongtoShakespeare'sMacbeth.
Macbethfeelsguiltyaftercommittingregicide,andbelievesthatlifenolongerhasapurpose.Inessence,lifeisbutanillusion.
PoemAFTER"signifyingnothing"belongstoJohnDonne's"HolySonnetXIV".
ThepoetisstrugglingwiththeabilitytobefaithfultoGodwhiletryingtoresistthetemptationofsin.HewantsGodtobe"rough"withhim,forhebelievesthatheisboundtothedevilbysin.
Thankstorevragfortheread.
Youcanalsoreadthisatwww(dot)adifferentforest(dot)com.
iholdwiththosewhofavorfire
Wiselyandslow;theystumblethatrunfast.
IcanfeelyoubeneathmeinawayIcan'texplain,can'tunderstand.Thewarmthofyourbodyisfirethatsurroundsme,consumesme.Youarethebeaconoflightthatleadsmetosafecoasts,dockingtreacherousshipsonyoursolidshore.Homeiswhereyoutakeme,whereyoufeelme.AsIwadethroughshallowwatersIfeelyouaroundmenow,caressingdeadenedskinwiththelightestoftouchesandthewhispersofbreath.
Waitforme.Letmetouchyou.
AswewalktogetherIbreathesilentpromisesintoawaitingears.Yourollupthedampfabricofmyclothesandsigh.ThesearethelovelysoundsthatItakeandkeep,littletokensofgratitudelitteredalongthesand.Withapoet'sdemeanoryouholdyourheadtotheskyandscream.
See,howsheleanshercheekuponherhand!OthatIwereagloveuponthathand,thatImighttouchthatcheek
Thehairwhipsaroundyourfaceinthecoldbreeze.Dancingwiththewind,youspinandtwirlinthesandtoanunheardsong.Thebeautythatgroundsmeplaguesme.
Thesunsetstocolddarknessbutitisfine,foryouaremylightandyouaremywarmth.
Itistheseasonwheretheairwhistlesandcallstoussecretsundeserved.Youcatchtheminyourbalmyhandsandbringthemtoyourlipswheretheystayunheard.Withmischiefandfollyyoushapeandmoldeveryoneyoumeet.IfeelyourkissuponmyskinandIwantyouinhiddencrevicesandforbiddenplaces.
Youlayonthegroundandthetall,dryleavesbrushyournakedskin.
Theybeckontome,leadingmetoyouandtellingmetoloveyou,thoughIknowIalreadydo.
Thusfrommylips,byyours,mysinispurged.
Isthatsoselfish?
Isthatsowrong?
#
Dejectedandslightlyfrustrated,IaimlesslyroamthestreetsofVolterra.
IknowthatIsabellaissafeinmyroomunderAro'sorders,yetthereisastrongpullformetoreturntoheranyway.ThecrispnightaireventuallyleadstodayandIamsotiredofhidingintheshadowsthatIeventuallyduckunderground.Thedarktunnelsarebothforebodingandwelcoming.Thisisnormalgiventhefactthatmyhomeissounwelcoming.AsIdescendthethoughtsgetlouder,thoughhardlyanyonepaysmeanymind.TheyassumethatIhavekilledmysingerandamheretostay.Tothem,Iamnolongerafreak.Iamoneofthemasses.Finally,Ibelong.
IblockthethoughtsoutasIwalkthroughthegreatroom.Again,noonepaysmeanymind.Theycarryontheirconversationsasusual.Ihear,throughDemetri,thatthereistobeyetanothertrialtodayandIwillmostlikelybeparticipating.Itisa"repeatclient,"apparently.Ipinchthebridgeofmynoseandspeedupmymovementssothatnoonewilltalktomeandimmediatelyretiretomyroom.Itmustbetooearlyformosthumanstobeawake,forIsabellaisstillasleeponthecouch.
Inaway,shelookslikeanabusedchild.Sheistoothin,bruised,ill-accommodatedfor.TheroomisthickwithherscentandIamimmediatelygratefulforthelargebreathsItookjustoutsidethedoor.Obviously,airisn'tcompletelynecessary,butitisn'texactlycomfortableornaturaltoholditforlongperiodsoftime.
Herheartbeatisgettingstronger.Icanhearitinmyearsandtasteitinmymemories.MybodyreactstoherpresenceinawayInowexpect:atighteningofmuscles,aninfluxofvenom,anonslaughtofthirst-invokingmemories.InawayakintoCarlisle,Iignoreit,partlybecauseIhavealreadywrongedhersomuch,andpartlybecauseIknowsomethinginmewouldcrumbleifIweretotouchheragain.
Isitdownasfarawayfromheraspossiblebutitisstilltooclose.AsIwatchhersleepthere,sounguardedandsoopen,IwonderifAro'srequeststillapplies.Afterall,theGuardthinkssheisdead.Whatwouldpreventthemfromenteringmyroomiftheysochoose?Icannotprotectherhere.Briefly,aflickerofhoperesidesinlivingwithCarlisle,butIknowtherearetoomanyobstacles.Themajoronewouldbegettingheroutofherealive.Mostlikely,itwouldbeimpossible.
Shesighsinhersleepandturnsover,unintentionallyflauntingthegashonherneck.IcringeandavertmyeyesasifIweredisruptingherprivacy.Idon'tlookbackuntilshewakesafewhourslater,thoughherfirstlookofconsciousnessmakesmefeellikethepeepingTomIam.
"Wereyouwatchingmysleep?"sheaskswithherheadcockedtotheside.
Immediately,shereachesoverandgrabsthelastofthefoodIpickedupthepreviousnight.Noneofitisfitforbreakfast,apparently,forshewrinkleshernoseandhesitantlyopensanotherTwinkie."YouthinkI'dgetsickofthesesoon,butthey'restillsogood,"shesaysrightbeforetakinganotherbite.IwonderifsherealizesIneveransweredherfirstquestion.
Iwatchherswallow.Twice.
"Youdon'ttalkmuch,"sheremarks,statingtheobvious.Irollmyeyes.Shecallsmeonit."Hey!Youjustrolledyoureyesatme.Rude."Thenshelaughs;notjustagiggle,butafullbellylaugh.Ismileslightlyinresponse."Thisisallsoabsurd."
She'sdefinitelyrightaboutthatone.Itakeasmallbreathandimmediatelymymouthfloodswithvenom.
"Iagree,"Irespondaroundthevenom.SheonceagainseemssurprisedthatIspoke,forshepausesabitbeforetakingafinalbiteoftheTwinkie.Shecrinklesupthewrapperandattemptstoshootitintothesmallwastebasketbythedoor.Shemissesbyamile."Oops,"shegiggles,andIsuddenlyfindmyselfwonderingifthisissomeperverseStockholmsyndromewherethecaptivefeelsfreetojokewithhercaptor.
Wearesilentforaninappropriateamountoftime.Iseesheisnervous,forshefidgetsincessantly.Herfootbounces,shebitesherlip,shepullsatherhair,shewringsherhands.Iwatchwithtoomuchfascinationtoputheroutofhermisery.Again,itisshewhobreaksthesilenceandforcesmetotakeyetanotherbreath.
"Edward,what'syourlastname?"sheasksrandomly.
"Idon'thaveone,"Ianswerautomatically.Sheseemstoponderthis,herheadcockedtotheside.ShehooksapieceofhairbehindherearasIwatch.
"Didyoueverhaveone?"
"Yes,once,"Imurmur.Once,mylastnamewasMasen.Iamnotthatmananymore;Iamnotman.
"Areyoubeingpurposelyobtuse?"sheaskswithaslightedgetohertone.Issheangrywithme?Icontemplatethisforamoment,andthendecidethatsheisannoyed.Shescowlsanditcreatesagroovebetweenhereyebrowsthatisn'ttherewhenherfaceisrelaxed.
"Ijustdon'tthinkyoushouldknowthatmuchaboutme,"Irespondcalmly.This
seemstoangerhermore,thoughIdon'tknowwhy.Withintrigue,Iwatchhermotions.Shestandsandscowlsslightly,pacesupanddowntheroomtwice,thenreturnstoherseatonthecouch.Ifollowherwithmyeyes,slightlyperplexed.ThehumannessisforeigntomeandIcan'tgraspwhathergesturesmeanwithouttheaidofherthoughts.Suddenly,IseemytalentisacrutchthatIcan'twalkwithout.
Shelooksresolutenow,staringatmewithunblinkingeyes.Idon'tknowwhathaschanged.Itishorriblyfrustrating.
"Iknowmoreaboutyouthanyouthink,"shesaysconfidently,slowly.
Iraisemyeyebrowinresponse,callingherbluff.
"Youareavampire,"shepauses,stillstaring."Youhavelivedhereyourentire...existence.Youronlyfriendsareyourfather,Carlisle,andyourfriend,Demetri.Youcanreadpeople'smindsjustbybeingintheirpresence,butIdon'tthinkyoucanreadmine.Youusuallyonlyfeedonanimalsbutsometimesyouslipupandkillhumans.You'vekilledalotofhumans,butnotnearlyasmanyasmostvampires.DemetritoldmethattheonlywayIwasgoingtobeabletolivewasifIspoketoyoubeforeyouweretokillme.Ihadtogetyoutolisten,anditworked.Well,sortof."Herhandflutterstoherneckinaseeminglyunintentionalmove.Sheleavesitthere.
"Demetritoldyouallofthis?"Iask,feelingsomewhatbetrayed.IcompletelyignoreherhandbutstillfeelthesickfeelinginmystomachthattellsmeIcausedthewound.
"Yes,"sheanswers."AndnowIknowyouhardlyevertalk,andwhenyoudoyoualwaysspeakreallyquietly,almostlikeyou'reafraidotherpeoplewilloverhear."
Iswallowinresponsetoherwords.Shemakesmefeelnakedandunarmed,likeIhavenowallstohidebehind.Shestaresatmelikeshecanseestraightthroughmeanditisunnerving.Ishiftslightlyinmyseat,crossingmyarmsovermychest.Asifshecansensemyunease,sheavertshereyes,staringinsteadatthefloor.
WhenIlookatherIfeellikeIamendlesslyfalling.
"Iknowyou'rescared,"shesaysquietly."I'mscaredtoo."
"Idon'twantyoutobescared,"Ireplytruthfully.She'sright,I'mscared.She'swrong,I'mterrified.
IamquicklylosingmygrasponcontrolinwaysIdon'tunderstand.
"Comeherethen,"sherequestslikeanultimatum.Shebringsuphereyestowardmine.Theyflashastheydaremetodefyher.
WebothknowIcan't.Notanymore.
Itakealargebreathofsomewhatdilutedairbeforestanding.Hereyesfollowmymovements.Iamdeliberatelyslow,bothtopreventoverwhelmingherandtopreventoverwhelmingme.Isitbesideheronthecouch,uncomfortableandrigid.SheturnstomeandItrytoignoreit.Onceagain,Ifail.
Itakequick,shallowbreathssimilartotheonestakenbyahyperventilatingperson.
"Calmdown,"shesays,andherhandisonmyshoulderlikesheisn'tafraidofanythingatall.Theheatemanatingfromherpalmfeelslikeitsburningme,onlyinthemostdeliciouswaypossible.ShescootsclosertomeonthecouchandIdon'tstopher.Shemovesslowlyasifsheisafraidoffrighteningmeaway.Iturntowardherandshesmiles,thoughIcanseethatshewantssomething.Herhandsmoveacrossmychest.Iwatchthem.
"Thisiswhatscaresme,"shewhispers,andtheVolturirobesspreadbeneathherfingers.Iaidherasshepullsthethickfabricoff.Itlandsinaheaponthefloor;adull,echoingthud.Beneatharemyhumanclothes:aworn,threadbarebutton-downshirtandjeans.Idon'tchangetheseoftengiventhattheyarealwayscoveredentirelybytherobes."NowI'mnotasscared."
"Idon't–"Ibegintosay,thoughshecutsmeoffwithafingertoherlips.Atwhatpointshebegantohavecompletepoweroverme,Icannotpinpointexactly.AllIknowisthatIwilldowhatshewants,whatsheneeds.
Herfingersareatthecollarofmyshirt,onlybrieflyandbarelytouchingmyskin.Ihavelongsincestoppedbreathing.Iwatchherwithapeculiarmixbetweenrelaxationandstress,fightingtokeepcontrolwhilesimultaneouslyrevelinginthesensationofherskinonmyskin.
"Staystill,"shesays,andbeforeIknowitthreeofthebuttonsareunbuttoned.Iinhalesharplyasherpalmfindsthebareskinofmychest.Ipayforthatinhale.Theairisasweetmixtureofherscent,sweat,andblood.Somewhereawayfromthisfabricatedreality,theGuardisfeeding.
Ibackupthreestepsandholdupmyhand.
StopbeforeIhurtyou.Idon'twanttohurtyou.
Shelooksshockedanddisappointed.Herhandslaylimpathersidesandshestaresatmewithemptyeyes.Iwouldapologize,butIcan'triskanotherinhale.ShemustthinkIamrejectingher,thoughIamdoinganythingbut.Herlowerliptremblesbutshedoesnotcry.Instead,shesquareshershouldersandtakesthreesmallssteps,closingthegapbetweenus.Sheplacesherhandinmyraisedoneandpresseslightly,attemptingtomakemelowerit.Iallowit.
Tentatively,herfingersstrokewiderarcsalongmyskin.Idon'tdarebreathe.
Theyrunalongthetopofmychestandupmyneckandalongmyjawandundermyeyes.Iwatchheruntilmyeyesdriftclothes,andherfingersskirtalongmyuppereyelidsanddownmynose.Theyhesitateslightlybeforemylips,andthentheyaretherewithonlysensitive,lightpressure.Myeyesopenagainandsheismuchclosertome,herfingersstillbarelypressedagainstmylips.Shelooksatmewithherlipspartedslightly,andIbrieflywonderwhatitwouldbeliketotouchthemwithmyfingers,withmylips.
"Edward,"shewhisperswiththisheadysortofbreath.Istillherhandswithoneofmyownanddrawthemdownbetweenus.Myotherhandrunsuphernecktowardhertemple.Ifeeltheheartbeat,butmostlytheoverwhelmingwarmththatseemstoemanatefromeverypartofher.Ifeelgentlepressureonmyotherhand,thoughwhenIlookdownIrealizethatsheisgraspingitsohardthatherknuckleshaveturnedwhite.Irunmyfingersthroughherlonghair,mymovementsawkwardandstiltedfromconfusionsurroundingbeingputtothisuse."Howlonghasitbeen?"sheaskssoftly.Iwatchherlipsmove.
"Never.It'sneverbeen,"Iadmit,andthelastofmyairisgone.
"Meneither.It'sokay.It'llallbeokay."
ShemovesinawayIdon'texpect,thoughshouldhaveexpected.Herlipspressagainstmineonlybarely,thoughtheshockofheatissosurprisinglyandconsumingthatIstartlebackwards,pushingheraway.
"It'llbeokay,"sherepeats,determinednow.Shestepsforwardand,inmyintenttobackup,Irealizethatmybackisflushagainstthewall.Shemovesquickly,wrappingherarmsaroundmyneckandkissingmeagain.Itisrecklessbravery,andviolent,unearnedaffectionthatIcannotreciprocate.Iamfrozenunderthesensations,tooeasilyoverwhelmedforthistobereal,tobesafe.Ithenfeelhertongueandloseallcontrol.
Igraspherhipstooharshly,toostrongly.Shegaspsandsurrenderstomymovements.Mylipsmoveagainsthersruthlesslyuntilshecriesout.Thecrybrings
mebacktoreality.Sheisprey.Sheisvictim.Sheisfood.Iimmediatelydropherandpullmyselfintoacrouch,growling.
"Edward,Iknowyou'reinthere.Comebacktome."Hervoiceissweetandcalm.Sheisconfidentinherwords.
Mygrowls,somewheredeepinmychest,havelessened.Istillfeelheadywithlustandbloodlust,thoughthehazearoundmymindissomewhatclearerthanmomentsprior.
"There.Good.Staywithme,"shesayssoftly.
Iwatchasshemovestherobesshewearsaside,rubbingabsentlyatherhip.Theskinthereisred,bruising.Again,Iamonlyabletocauseharm.
Disgustedanddistraught,Iflee.
Iracethroughtheconfinesoftheunderground,blowingpasttheremainingmealofmycomrades.Theyglanceupatmyabruptdeparture,thoughseemtothinknothingofit.Iamhardlyacauseforconcerninthisplace,fornooneknowsmewellenoughtotellwhensomethingisoff.WhenIreachthesurfaceofVolterraIrealizeitisstillglaringlybrightoutside.Iskirtalongtheshadows,jumpingthroughlightfasterthanvisibletothehumaneye.Ihijackafastcarparkedalongthesideoftheroad,slidingintoitandleavingthecity.
Idon'tknowwhereI'mgoing,butI'mgoingsofastthatthespeedometeristwitchingandthegaspedalistouchingthefloor.Myhandsencasethesteeringwheel.Theygriptootightlyandtheplasticsuccumbstothem,crunchinginward.Frustrated,Ipullofftothesideoftheroad.
Iaminanewcitynow.ItistheonejustborderingVolterra.Ihavebeenherebefore,butnotoftenenoughtoconsideritfrequent.ThedooracrossfrommeadvertisesabookstoreinItalian,itspaintchippingandwearingthin.Iduckintothedoorwayinordertofindescapefromthesun.Therearefewpeopleinside,thoughthefewthatarestareatmewithacombinationoffearandconfusion.Iduckmyheaddowninordertoshieldmyredeyes,thoughtheVolturirobesstilllookstrangeandforeigntothem.
SheaskedmetostaywithherandIleft.Icouldn'tstaywithher.Iwouldhavekilledher.
Ifindasecludedplaceinthebackofthebookstore.Ipickupabookofnoimportanceandpretendtobeoccupiedbeforeanywanderingeyes.Therearenone,
andIspendtoolongbackhere,wallowing.IfCarlislecouldseemenowhewouldbeashamed.Icannotevenfacemyproblems,nonethelesssolvethem.IwonderifheisseeingthisduetoAlice'svisions.Ibeginfeelangryovertheintensebreachofprivacy,thoughcalmdownwhenIremindmyselfofmyowngift.Ifanythingisanabuseofprivacy,readingsomeone'sthoughtsmusttakethecake.
IbegintoflipthroughthepagesofthebookwhenIrealizesomeonehasbeenwatchingme.
Whoisthat?Certainly,I'veneverseenhimbefore.PerhapsIcanmakeanewcustomer
IquicklytranslateherthoughtsfromItaliantoEnglish.Shebeginstowalktowardmewithwonderanddetermination.Ipretendnottonoticeherapproachandcontinuetothumbthroughthebook.Idon'tknowwhyIamplayingthisgame.Thereisnopointformeto.ShewillaskwhyIamhere,IwilltellherIambrowsing,andshewillwalkaway.Thatisallthatwilloccur.Yet,Iamplayingalong,pretendingtobehumanforher.Wherethesechangesarecomingfrom,Iamnotcompletelysure.
"Areyoulookingtopurchase?"sheasksinrapidItalian.Ilookup,pretendingtobestartledbyherarrival.ThatiswhenIknowshewon'tmakeitoutofthisbookstorealive.
Shelooksexactlylikeher.Shedoesn'tsmelllikeher,no.Butshelookssomuchlikeherthatitwillbeimpossibleformetohaverestraint.Herhairisalong,darkbrown.Herskinispale.Hereyesarewideanddoe-like.Buttheyaren'tempty.No,therearethoughtsbehindthoseeyes.AsIstareathershebeginstowonderwhyIhavenotspoken.ShewondersifI'mcrazy.And,lastly,shewondersifIamgoingtokillher.
Iam.
Ilureheroutsidewithsweetwords.Sheonlyrespondstothembecauseshebelievesthatifshecooperates,Iwillspareher.Myeyesaretooredtosalvagemyhumanity.
WhenIbiteher,Iamdisappointed.
SheisapoorsubstituteforallIwantbutcan'thave.
Ikillherquickly.Thereisnoneedtoprolongthismoment.Sheisjustanothertallyonmyrecord,sotospeak.Sheislifelessnow.Icarryhertotheoutskirtsofthecityanddigaholewithmyhands.Weareinthemiddleofalarge,emptyfield.Thegrasswhispersagainstmylegs,swayingslightlyinthebreezeasIdigscarsintheearth.I
filltheholeoverherbodywiththedisplaceddirt.Iamquickandefficient,andoncetheholeisfilledentirely,Iputafloweronhergrave.
IreturntoVolterraasthesunsets.Thereislittletrafficonthisroad,thisroadthatseemstostretchtoinfinity.Mycellphonebuzzesinmypocket,angryagainstmyjeans.IamalmostpositivethatitisCarlisle,partiallybecauseofwhatI'vedone,andpartiallybecauseDemetriistheonlyotherpersonwithmynumber.Iignoreitsrings,thoughhecallsbacktwomoretimes.Iambeginningtogrowannoyed,andfinallyansweritifonlytostoptheringing.
BeforeIhavethechancetogreetCarlisle,hespeaks.
"Janeisinyourroom."
MyeyeswidenandIsnapthephoneshut.Ibreakintoafullsprint,mymuscleswelcomingthisintensereleaseofenergy.Idon'tunderstandhowsheisinthere.SheisbreakingAro'sdirectorders.Ireachtheoutskirtsofthecityandblowthroughit,cloakedbythedarknessofthenight.ThoughIamrunningformereminutesitfeelslikehours.Whatifshe'sdead?WhatifJane'skilledher?ThereisnothingthatwouldpreventJanefromdoingso.Astrongsinkingfeelinginmychestpropelsmeonward,deeperintothecavernouspitsoftheGuard.
Again,noonestopsmyadvancetowardmyroom.DemetriissurprisedthatIamback,though.WhenIleftearlierhehadassumedthatIwouldn'tbecomingback.ThatassumptionissomethingIcannolongerfathom.
ThedoorfliesopenandJaneisperchedonthecouch,Isabellaontheoppositeend.Sheiscurledupbeneathherrobesandseemssurprisedbymysudden,flamboyantentrance.WhileJanedoesn'tshowanyemotionitisclearthatshedidn'texpectmetoarrivesosoon.Herthoughtsscreamthwarted.PerhapsIwilloweAlicesomethanksafterall.
"Oh,Edward.BellaandIwerejusttalkingabouthowherboyfriend'sfavoritethingtodoisshootrifles,"Janesmilespleasantly,talkingaloudonlyforIsabella'sbenefit.ItisstrangetohearhercalledBella.ItoccurstomethatIhaveneveraskedhername.Ihaveonlyhearditinthethoughtsandvoicesofothers.
"He'snotmyboyfriend,"shemumbles,thoughitisloudandclearforJaneandme.
"You'renotsupposedtobeinhere,"Isnap."Getout."
BothIsabellaandJanelookatmewithasmallamountofsurprise;JanebecauseIamusuallydocileinherpresence,andIcannottellIsabella'scause.Frustration
leaksintomythoughtsbutIpushitback.TherearemoreimportantthingsthanhearingIsabella'sthoughts.
"Sofeisty,"Janesaysshakily,laughingawkwardlyintothesilentroom.Itsoundsdullandflat,andthenoiseisquicklyswallowedbythetensionandquiet.Thewallsseemtoreverberatewithmyanger.Itisapulsatingsensationthatpushesmedeeperintomycrouch,preparingtolunge.
"Arogavespecificorders."
"DoyouthinkAroscaresme,Edward?IaminfinitelymorepowerfulthanAro.Icanprovethattoyourightnow."Hereyesflash,visiblythreatened.Isabella'seyesdartbackandforthbetweenthetwoofus.Ionlybrieflyglanceather,ensuringhersafety.AtthismomentJaneneedsmyfullattention.Shestandsupandfacesme,smirkingslightly.Ihavepausedforaninappropriateamountoftimeandshenowbelievesthatshehastheupperhand.
"Youneedtoleave,"Isayslowly.
"Areyouthreateningme?"Janeasksinnocently,hereyeswidewithamusement.Mylipspullbackovermyteethandagrowlslightly.Icannotfigureoutawayoutofthis.WithherdeliberatelybreakingAro'srequest,thereisnootherlineofdefensebetweentheGuardandIsabella.
Beforeshecandropintoadefensivecrouch,Ilunge.
Butstill,Iamnotfastenough.
Momentsbeforemyfingersgraspthehemofherrobesintheintenttothrowheraside,shehasforcedmetotheground,convulsing.Itissopainfulthatmyeyesareclenchedshutasiftowardsomeofitoff.Itdoesn'twork.Ifeelhothandsonmyskinandscreams,screams.Iclenchmybodyintothefetalpositiongraspingatanythingtomakethepainstop.Itcouldhavebeenmoments,itcouldhavebeendecades;eitherway,itfinallystops.
Igaspaninhaleandthereisanew,lesserpain.ItistheoneIcanplace.ItisIsabella'sscent.
Sheisveryclosetomenow,bothofherhandsonmyshoulder.Iblinkandlookupather,vulnerablefrommypositiononthefloor.Janetowersabovethebothofuswithherheadcockedtotheside.
Interesting...
Andthensheisgone,outofmyrange.
Ipushmyselfupandawayfromhertouch.SheseemshurtandIdon'tknowwhattosay.Iclosethedoorsoundlyandlockit.
"Youcan'tletanyoneinhere,"IscoldhereventhoughIknowshecouldnotpossiblyholdanyvampireout.IamplacingblameonherwhenIcanbetheonlyoneheldaccountable.
"I'msorry,"shesays,thoughsheshouldn'tbe.Itwasmyfault.Ishouldn'thaveleft.
Shesitsbackdownonthecouch,hereyesdrooping.Itmustbelatenow,toolateforahumantobeawake.
"Sleep,"Iattempttopersuade.Sherollstothesideonthecouch,curlingherlegsuptoherchest.Shewatchesmepaceinfrontofherinworryandfrustration.InolongerhaveanycontrolandIcan'thandleit.
"You'remakingmeanxious,"shesayssoftly.
Itakethehintandsitacrossfromherontheflooroftheroom.Sheisstillwatchingme.Iavertmyeyes,feelingbothuncomfortableandembarrassed.Afterawhileshefallsasleep,herheadrestingonherpalmlikethewayhumansfallasleepinmovies.Shebreathesdeeplyandherfacesoftens.
Idon'tleavetheroomtheentirenight.
Whenshewakesthenextmorningsheseemsstartledtofindmeinthesameposition.Igrimaceinabitofembarrassmentatthatfact,feelinglikeacommonpervert.Shedoesn'tsayanything.Instead,shepicksattherestofherfoodabsently.SomehowIwillhavetopickherupmorefood.Somehow,sometime,Iwillhavetoleaveherinthisroomunguarded.Thefactfrightensme.
"Edward?"shesayssuddenly,"CanIaskyousomething?"
"Yes,"Ianswerimmediatelyonlytorealizetherepercussionsafterward.
Whatifsheasksmetotakeheraway?Whatifsheasksmetotakeherhome?Whatifshewantstoleavemeforever?Whatifshewantsnothingtodowithme?
MythoughtsraceinaninsecureandjuvenilefashionasIwaitforhertospeak.Thoughwhenshedoes,Ionlyfeelashamed.
"DoyouhaveaphonethatIcouldusetocallmydad?TotellhimI'mokayisall."
Shefidgetsassheawaitsmyanswer,herfingersintertwiningasshestaresatthemintently.
"Ofcourse.Isabella,I'msorry,"Irespond,apologizingformuchmorethanwithholdingthephone.Sheseemstopickuponthisandnodsslightly.Whenshelooksup,hersmileiswatery.
"It'sjustBella."
Ihandherthephoneandallowherfakeprivacy.Steppingoutintothehallway,Iclosethedoorbehindme.Ihearherdialthephoneandherincreasedheartrateassheawaitsherfather'sanswer.Attheveryend,hefinallydoes.
"Dad?"
It'stoohardtoheartheotherendoftheconversation,thoughthebuzzsoundsloudanddistraught.
"No...I'mfine.Dad,Ipromise.Please...no!Don'tcalltherestofthesquad.Youalreadydid?TellthemI'mokay."
Thereismorebuzzingontheotherendoftheline,evenlouderthanbefore.
"I'llseeyousoon.Dad,Ihavetoleavenow...yes,Ipromise.Imissyoutoo...Iloveyou,Dad.Don'tgetintoomuchtroublewithoutme."
WhenIamsurethatshehashungupthephone,Iquietlyopenthedoorandjoinheragain.Sheislookingatthefloorwithherhandsinherlap,clutchingthephone.Shelooksupwhenshehearsme.Herfaceisblank,andbeforeIknowitsheishandingmethecell.
"Thankyou,"shesays,"Hewasgettingprettyworried."
Sheisstrugglingtoactnonchalantandithurtsme.
"Ifyouneedtousethephoneagain,um,justletmeknow,"Imanage,returningthephonebacktomypocket.Shenodsinresponseandlooksbackatthefloor.
Idon'tknowwhattodonow,lostinalimbobetweenrightandwrong.
AfewminuteslaterIhearfootstepswalkingtowardmyroom.ItisDemetri,andheknowsbetterthantowalkinside.
Aroneedsyouforatrial,Ihearfromhisthoughtsoutsidethedoor.Hewalksaway
quickly.IassumeheisangrywithmeandIunderstandwhy.
BellaisstillsittingonthecouchandIhavetoleavetheroom.Myfingersflexinindecision.Ican'tdefyAro,butIcan'tleaveBellaalone.IrunoutsideandcatchDemetrithemomentbeforeheleavesthehallway.Heswivelsaroundandfacesmewithoneeyebrowquirked.
"Canyoudomeafavor?"Iask.
Hehesitatesforamoment,thennods.
"Juststandoutsidethedoortomyroom.IpromiseI'llexplainlater,"Ispeakinarush."Anddon'tletanyonein.Thatisimportant.Thatisvital."IgetthelastofmywordsoffbeforeIracetothegreatroom.Iexpeltheairinmychestwitharush,gatheringmyselfbeforeopeningthedoubledoorsandentering.
Therearethreevampiresawaitingtrial,allheldinsubmissivepositions,awaitingdecisions.
"Edward!Welcome,"Arocalls,beckoningmeoverwithhishand.Ibegintowalkbuthestopsmewithhisvoice."Oh,wait!BringBella."
Shit.
ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sRomeoandJuliet.
Thankstorevragforthereadandbeta.
Youcanalsoreadthisatwww(dot)adifferentforest(dot)com.
butifihadtoperishtwice
Buteventually,thesunrisesaftertwilight.Donotdoubtthatitalsorises.
Doubtthestarsarefire,Doubtthatthesondothmove,Doubttruthtobealiar,ButneverdoubtIlove.
OdearOphelia,Iamillatthesenumbers.
Andthenthedaybeginsanew,onlyslightlydifferentthanthelast.Feelingsofchangepermeateus,surroundus,encloseusinitsthreateninggrasplikewearebutmoldinitsstronghands.Wefallbeneathitspressures,sinkingintosaggingearthliketheabsentdewlapsofmyfeatures.Whyisitthatonesinksfasterthantheother?Whyisitthatthereisimpossibilityinstayingeven,stayingsane?
Fingersintertwined,Ireachforyou;mylight,myhope.Butthereistoomuchspacebetweenus,toomuchdistancethatIsomehowcannotbreach.
"Iwillwaitforyou,"yousay,likeapromiseimpossibletokeep.Butyoucannotwait;youwillnotwait;youshouldnotwait,forIamstone.Dayafterday,newlightafternewlight,thereareonlysmallerosionsinmysolid,sheercliffs.Theybreakofflikelittlefragmentsofmemoriesonceheld,oncesaved.Igatherthemlikelittlepebblesdriftingaroundmypalm.Piecesofyou.
Asthedayspassandthelightbringsthesame,ever-presentsun,thedistancebetweenusincreases.Iwantyoutowaitforme;Iwantyoutoleavemebehind.
HowIhaveunderminedmyfallfromgrace!
Ihavenotfallen;Iamstuckinmindless,stonyabyss.Iameverlastingasamountain,stoicasthestreamrushesthrough,constantlymoving.Thefeelingsinmyfingersandtoesinsistonrebellion,insistonchange,butmymoldistoostrong,myafflictiontoogreat.Nothingcanbedonetoholdyouwithme,tokeepyouwithme.
Iamthecoastlineandyouaretheocean,constantlypulledbythetwilight'smoon.
#
Iturnaroundwithtrepidation.Myeyesseemtobeburningintheirsockets,myheartburninginmychest.Inaway,itfeelslikeIamchangingagain;burningallover.Thismustbeaseconddeath,athird,fourth,fifth.Ifeelitallthewaytomyfingertips,
achingandclawingasthepaintriestoescapemyskin.Icometorealizethatitisn'ttheburningthatisscaringmethemost,itisthefactthatIcan'tfeelit.ApeculiarnumbnessisreplacingtheincessantburnandIfeelcompletelydetached,hoveringovermybodyasawritheonthefloor.Janesmilesinpeculiarrestraint,hereyestrainedonmeassheawaitsanotherorderfromAro.
Aroisannoyed.Hewatchesmyformwithhislipspursed.Hedoesn'tknowwhyIdidnotimmediatelyaffirmhisrequesttobringBella.Idon'tknow,either.ItislikeallofmeshutsdownandIamnolongerabletomove,tothink.Iknowthisistheend,ourtimetogethersoshortthatit'sonlyaminusculefiberinthetatteredquiltthatismylife.IwonderwhatIcouldhavedonetopreventedthis,andquicklydecidethereisnothing.Myentireexistenceisacursedone.Ithurtseveryoneittouches,includingBella.Iimagineherwaitinginsidemyroom,completelyunawarethatsheisgoingtodiesoon.
Atleastbefore,withme,sheknewshewasgoingtodie.Perhapsshehadevenacceptedthis.Butnowshehastogothroughitallagain,thoughthistimewiththerugsweptcompletelybeneathherfeet.Janestillsmilesatme,bloodredlipsquirkedupwardinsatisfactionandperversearousal.Ithenrealize,inmystrangedetachmentfromself,thatDemetriisalsointheroom.Heonlystaresatme,hisfaceblank.IfDemetrihasjoinedus,whoisprotectingBella?
Noone,forBellaisstandingrightnexttoDemetri,staringatmewithhereyeswideandscreaming,screaming.IsthissometorturoushellthatImustwithstand?Isallofthisjustsomepurgatory,andIactuallydiedin1918?HaveIfinally,finallyreachedtheendofmysentence,leavingmortalbodyonthegroundandelevatingtointangibleself?No,ofcoursenot.ForthemomentArowaveshishand,JanebreaksherstareandIthunderbackintomystoneskin,mystonesurroundings.Itwitchonce,mymusclesadjusting,beforepushingmyselfintoasittingposition.
"Thisiswhathappenswhenyousimplycannotfollowmyorders.Youdon'tlikethat,doyou,Edward?"Arosighs,pinchingthebridgeofhisnose.Caiusisgrinninginglee;heenjoyswatchingpainalmostasmuchasheenjoysgivingit.HepetsJaneonthehead,hispalmencasingherflaxenblondehairalmostentirely.Shepurrsathistouch,tiltingherfacetogivehimmoreaccess.Iwatchthecaressforafewmoments,staringwithanalmostconfusedwonder.Howisitthatbeingssodeadcangiveandreceivesuchaffection?Idon'tunderstand.
Itislikewatchingcorpseskiss.
Thethreevampiresthatareactuallyontrialstillkneelintheirpositions,thoughtheywatchuswithamazementatJane'spower.TheybelievethatIhavecreateda
suitablediversion,andperhapstheywillbefreed.Ialmostchuckleatthisconcept,forAro'sburningplansarealmostcompletelyfinalized.Ofcourse,hewantstodealwithmefirst.
"Edward,wouldyoucomehere?Youaremakingmetired.Ifeeltired,"Arorequests,thoughitisimpossibleforustofeeltired."BecauseyouchosenottoleavetheGuard,youdohavetodowhatIsay.Youknowthis,don'tyou?Ofcourse,Ionlyhaveyourbestinterestsatheart."Arocontinuestospeak,thoughitisimpossibleforustohaveaheart.
"Iunderstand,"Isayquietly,movingtomyplacebesidehim.IcarefullyandquicklymovemyeyestoBella,whostandspartiallyobscuredbehindDemetri.ItalmostseemsasifArohasforgottenabouther,thoughIamsurehehasbiggerplansthanIexpect.Shestaresbackatme,hereyeswideandquestioning.Igrimacequickly,wishingmorethananythingthatIcouldjustgetheroutofhere.Ofcourse,thereisnothingIcandobutstandhereandawaitmyfate.
Ifsomethinghappens,I'llpullheroutintoVolterraandmaskherlocation.
ItisDemetri.Hestaresatme,astonygaze.Inodmyheadinexchangeforthankinghimprofusely,whichIwillsurelydolater.Henodsbackquickly–tooquicklyforthevampiresthataredistractedbythetrial.Iavertmygazeastonotcreatemoresuspicion,movingallfocustothetrial.But,almostimmediately,mymindbeginstowander.IfDemetriweretomaskherlocation,wouldIeverseeheragain?Wouldsherememberme?Wouldshecare?HowdoIrequesthercare,howdoIrequestherreciprocationofmyfeelings?HowdoIrequestthiswhenevenIdon'tunderstandmyfeelings?
Thethreevampiresarenowcenterstage.Theymovearoundeachother,preparingtofight.Idon'tevenrememberhearingthesentence,butitisclearthataduelwasordered.Thevampires,namedAllison,Qiddist,andKatrina,werefightinginpublic.Inordertosolvetheproblem–whichwasclearlydeemedunsolvablebyAro–thethreewouldfighthere,andthesurvivorwouldbeallowedtolive.MyeyessearchforBellaagain.Idon'tknowhowthevampireswillrestraintheirattractiontoherblood,especiallywhentheyarefighting.ItthenoccurstomethatallvampiresoutsidetheVolturiconstantlylivewiththepresenceofblood.Theyareabletopushittothebackoftheirbrainsandfocusonthetaskathand.
Andthetaskathandis,currently,killingeachother.QiddistsnarlsatKatrina,herdark,almostblackeyesflashingasshedropsintoacrouch.Katrinagrowlsinresponse,whichleavesAllisonplottingbehindtheirbacks,planningonpickingofftheoneleftbetweentheirquarrels.QiddistisabouttolaunchherselfatKatrina,but
sheissuddenlystoppedbyAro.
"Hold!"hecallsout,freezingthespar."Food'shere."
ItisthenthatIrealizetheexponentialincreaseofthewetsoundsofbeatinghearts.Bella'seyesdartbackandforthbetweenmeandthedoorwaytothegreatroom.ThereisnothingIcandobutwaitthisout.Iwillnotbepermittedtoleavetheroom,norwillBella.
Asthegroupfilesinitiscleartherearenodiversionspossible.AllofthehumansarenotnativetoVolterra,thereforeavailabletotheVolturi.Thegroupisofapproximatelytwentyadults,primarilyovertheageoftwentyfive.But,intheback,atoddlerfollowshismother,hispudgyarmsclutchingthetailsofhershirt.Hiseyesarewideandfrightened,andIwatchasBellaimmediatelyspotshiminthecrowd.Shetakesasmallstepforwardbut,thankfully,Demetripullsherback.
Demetriwatchesoneparticularhumanwiththirst.Hisattentionisfrayed–Bellaisnolongerintheforefrontofhismind.IfindmyselfinchingalongthewalltoBellaandDemetri.Arohasn'tyetnoticedthatIhavelefthisside,andmostlikelywon'tnoticeuntilheisdonefeeding.Perhapswecanslipoutwhentheybegin.Iswallowandpreparetoholdmybreath,takingonelastdeepinhalebeforeanyofthebloodspills.
Watchingthevampiresstepcasuallyclosertotheirpreyislikewatchingwolvesdescendonanalreadyinjuredcritter.Theyscurryaboutmindlessly,thoughthegroupofhumansunconsciouslymovescloserandclosertogether,becomingmorecompacted.Aro,Caius,andMarcusalwaysgetfirstpick.Theystepawayfromtheirthronesandslowlywalkforward,theirshoesbarelytappingagainstthestonefloor.IreachBella,steppinginfrontofherandreachingbackwards,wrappingmyarmstightaroundherwrists.Ibegintomoveusfromtheroom,slowlyandhesitantly.WithonlyonesmallstumblefromBella,wealmostmakeitout.
Butwedon't.
"Hold!"ArocallsagainandtheentireGuardceasestomove.Caiusgrumblesinannoyance,hisfacesetinadeepfrown.Aroswivelsandfacesuslikehewasawareofourmovementstheentiretime.Hell,heprobablywas.Hesmilesatme.Itisaverysmallsmilethattellsmeheknowsinfinitelymorethanhepreviouslyleton,andheisabouttoinformmeofit."IheardsomeinformationfromareliablesourcethatBellaherewantstobeavampire."
Immediately,myeyesdarttoJane's.SheisgrinninglikeaCheshirecat.Iwanttokillher.
But...wait,what?
Inadecidedlystupidmove,IturnmybacktotheGuardandfaceBella,myeyebrowraisedinquestion.
"Itwasjustathought.Justathought,"shewhispershastily.Onevampireinthefarcorneroftheroomsnickers,thougheveryoneelseissilent.Eventhehumanspickuponthenotionthatthismomentistoofragiletobetamperedwith.
"Youdon'tknowwhatyou'reasking..."Ireplyharshly,myvoicemutedandsharp.
"Exactly!"Arointerruptsourconversation,fabricatedprivacyasitwas."ThatiswhyweshouldshowBellaherewhatittrulymeanstobeavampire."
"Aro..."Ibeginafoolishreprimand,whichonlyspurshimon.
"Firstoff,"Arosmiles,andthenrollshiseyes,"Thosethreearegettingonmynerves.So,Edward,outwithit.Whoshoulddie?Iammuchtoooldandmuchtooesteemedtobedealingwiththesepettyissuesofbetrayals."
Iquicklyscantheirminds.Idon'tevennoticewhattheoriginalargumentwas,onlythatQiddistwastheonlyonetotrulyshowherselftoahuman,thusendangeringoursecrecy.Ofcourse,shekilledthehumanafterward,butIcouldtellthatCaiuswantedblood.WithCaiusplacated,IhaveabetterchanceofgettingBellaoutofherealive,andmeintact.
"Thatone,"Ireplyalmostbegrudgingly,inawaythatplaystowardwhatCaiuswantstohear.Heglancestowardsme,thenleansforwardinhisseatinexcitement.Thisishisfavoritepart:theshockwhenthevampirerealizesIcanreaditsmind.Qiddistglaresatme,hereyeswidewithasortofemptyfury.Sheisn'tgoingtoattackmeasothershave.Iknowthisbecausethereisanunderlyingsadnessinherstance.Iwonderifshecameheresimplytodie.
WhenIpointQiddistoutBellaletsoutasmallgaspfrombehindme.What,didshethinkmenotabletosentencemypeerstodeath?DidshethinkIwouldgiveherafairtrial,somesortofhumanjury?No.Thisismyrealm,andinmyrealmmineandAro'sfingersareequivalenttothetouchofdeath.ThoughIamnottheonedoingthekilling,essentiallyIam.
IpullBellafartherbehindmybackastheGuarddescends.IknowthattheywillquicklylosecontroloncetheligamentsofQiddistbegintotearfromherbody.Icanfeelitinmybones.IrealizethenthatArohasplannedthis.Hedoesn'twanttheGuardtoexhibitapolite,cordial—dareIsay,human?—feedinfrontofIsabella.No,
hewantshertoseethecarnalnatureofvampires.Hewantsthemtolosecontrolinfrontofher.Allinall,hewantstoscareher.InfocusingallofmyattentionsinplacatingCaius'sbloodlust,Ifailedtorecognizethemostpowerfulmanipulatorinthisroom:Aro.
Skintearsandbonesbreakunderthepowerfulhandsofstonyflesh.ThesearesoundsIamusedto,thoughBellacringesintomybacklikesomehelplesspuppytrappedinastorm.Igiveuponprotectingher.ThereisnothingIcandonow.Ican'tleave.I'mnotahero.Myvaliantescapeisnone.Slowlytheydie,onebyonefallingtothefloorinamassgraveofpale,blood-lessfaces.Thesepicturesareburnedintomymindtimeandtimeagain.Ifeelnoshame,anger,bloodlust.Thelattersurprisesme.Bella'sbloodissodeeplyingrainedintomysensesthatIfeelnobloodlusteventowardsotherhumans.Itissadbuttrue.
WhatwouldshesayifIweretotasteone?Wouldsheactdifferentlyaroundme?ThatiswhatIwant,afterall.IwanthertoseemeforwhoItrulyam.ThenshewillrunandIwillbepacingthestonefloorsofmyroomalone,likeIdeserve.Maybeifsherunsshewillgetoutalive.Afterall,IthinkIhaveMarcusonmyside.Forsomereason,thatdecrepitvampirelikesme.IoftenfeelasIamdisappointinghiminthesamewayIdisappointCarlisle.Failureafterfailure.
Amaniscrawlingtowardme,allpalefeaturesandwideeyes.
"Savior,savior,"hecallstome,"savior,savior!"
"Savehim,savehim!"Bellacallstome,"savehim,savehim!"
Iignorethebothofthem.Hecrawls—expressionvacant,eyesglassy,hairthinning,clothesfrayed.Heweepsforsomeone:hiswife,hisdaughter,doesitmatter?Ican'tsavehim,itdoesn'tmatter.Demetriendsupkillinghimonthespot.Hemakesithalfastone,ifthat.Arocackles,laughterreachingoutwardlikebranches,breakingoffofthestone,shattering,crashing.IttakesmeremomentsforBellatofallonthestonefloor.
"Blood,"shesays,"it'stheblood."
Ifsheweretodienow,wouldIbesad?No.Maybe.Probablynot.
Herheadcracksonthestone.Crackslikeabathittingabaseballintothecoolnightair.
Vampiresdescend—wolves,hungrywolves.Ibatthemaway.Shoo,pest.Begone,pest.Theytauntme,circleme.TheywantwhatIhave.Theywantit,theywantit.
Bellalayslimplybeneathme.Mythoughtsarejumbledinmyhead,thestreamofconsciousnessrunawry.Myfootbrushesagainstherstomach.Ifeelthepulse,Ismelltheblood.Noonecanhaveher,Ithink,Iscream.
"Sheisnotyours,Edward.Sheisours,Edward.Sheisours.Ours."Aro'sfingerslink.Janeissmiling,stalkingtowardsme.CaiusismurmuringsomethingtoMarcus.Theyareplottingsomething.Idon'tknowwhatitis,butIdon'tlikeit.Thousandsofthoughtsrunamuck,minglingwiththethoughtsofthepredatorsslowlyclosingin.Theywanther.Theythinkherbloodissweet,likeIthinkherbloodissweet.Itburnsthebackofmytongue.Iwillkillheriftheydon'tkillher,andifIwillkillher,whyletthemhaveher?Sheismine.
"Sheisnotyours."Aro.
Ipullherintomyarmsandwemovedownthehall.Iamnotrunning.Theywon'tfollow.Iknowtheywon'tfollow.Afterall,itwasstaged.Theywerenevergoingtotouchher.ArowaswaitingtoseehowlongtheycouldpushmebeforeIfled.
Unsurprisingly,Ifailedthetest.
Bella'sheadbleedsonthecouch.Ishouldprobablycoveritup,butthereissomethingcatharticinwatchingthebloodoozeandstainthecushionslikeaslow-movingtide.IwonderatwhatpointIslippedfrommymeasuredrealityintothisabyssofblackandgrey.Shedoesn'twakeupforsometime.Probablybloodloss,possiblynot.InodoffintheonlywaythatIcan;Imakemymindblank.Istareattheceiling,constantlymemorizingandre-memorizingthesmallestflecksinitsdesign.
IconsideredmovingtoSpainonce.
Theirhistoryisthebest,alltorturedevicesandreligiouspersecutionsandwhatnot.Ialwaysfigureitsortoffascinatingwhenpeople—humans—believethemselvestobeholy.Whynotvampires?Afterall,wearetheonesthatwerebornfromthedead.Iwasresurrected.Icanbeholy,right?Sure,I'vecertainlynullifiedthewhole"thoushaltnotsin"aspectofreligion,butIcanpartakeintheotherstuff,right?I'djusthavetogotoconfessioneveryweekandsay,"Oh,Ikilledaman.Oh,Ikilledanotherman.Oh,andanother."
Butit'sokaybecauseI'llbepardoned,right?Icanjustworkitoffinpurgatorylikeeveryoneelse,right?Igetthatchancetoo,right?
Bellawakesup.ItellherIwantedtomovetoSpainonce.Shestaresatme,herheadquirkedtotheside.Shedoesn'taskmeanyquestionsonwhyIwanttomovetoSpain,eventhoughIamcompletelyreadytospillallofmyreligiousinsecurities.It
isforthebest,Isuppose,forshereachesherhandtoherheadandfeelstheblood.SheasksforbandagesthatIdon'thave.
"Takethis,"Isay,handingherashirtthatIripped.Everhearthesoundofashirtripping?It'saverynice,cleansound.Shetakesitfrommeandwrapsitaroundherhead,puttingpressureonthewound.Iwouldhelpher,butIamprettysureitwouldbeabadideatogetanyclosertoherthanIamrightnow.Shelaysbackdownonthecouch,restingherheadontherippedpieceofshirt.Sheisstaringatmewithquestioning,intenseeyes.Theyarehauntednow.Ihavemadethemhaunted.
"Don'tlookatmelikethat,"Irequest,divertingmyeyes.
"I'mnotlookingatyoulikeanythingatall,"shereplies.Shethenbitesherliplikesheistryingtodecipherhowshemightbelookingatme.IthenthinkabouthowIwantherhandsallovermyskin,warmingupthecold,dampfeelingthatseemstobecoveringmyentirebody.Instead,shesticksherpinkyfingerinhermouthandbitesatthefingernail.WithmyhearingIcanheartherepeatedclickseverytimeshebitsdownonthenail.Soon,itbeginstobleed,andIwanttoshakemyfisttoGodforhoundingmewiththesepettyburdens.
CanInothavepurgatoryintheafterlifelikeeveryoneelse?
Demetriknocksonmydoorafewtimes.Hethenpausesandleanshisearagainstthedoor.IlistentohismindregisterBella'ssmallfidgetingsounds,includingherheartbeatandthesmallclickingnoisesoffingernailsbeingbittenandfallingtothefloor.
"Mycatusedtolickherbuttalot.Youknow,tocleanit,"Bellaoffersintothesilence.Demetrichoosesthatastheappropriatemomenttowalkin.
"I'msorryyouhadtoseewhatyouhadtosee,Bella,"Demetrisaystooquicklyforhertounderstand.Bellapretendsshedoesandnods.Demetriacceptsthatasananswerandsitsdownbesideme.HepresseshishandagainstmyforeheadlikemymotheroncedidwhenIwassickinbed.
"Youfeelingokay?"heasks."Youlookoff."
Howdoesonelookoff?
"Ifeeloff.No,Ifeeldetached."Andit'strue.It'slikeI'mnolongerinsidemybody.Instead,I'msittingalongsideit,staringimpassivelyatDemetriashetriestodecipherwhatitisthatiswrongwithme.Bellacurlsherlegsunderneathherbuttwhereshesits.Again,Iamstruckwiththedesiretofeelherskinonme,aroundme.Iwonder
whatitwouldbelikeifherlegswrappedaroundmyhipstightly.
"Oh!"Demetricrieslikehe'shadanepiphany,"Youneedtohunt!"
IleaveBellaunguarded.Idon'tfeellikecaring.Idon'treallyfeelanythingatall.
DemetripullsmethroughVolturiandintotheneighboringcity.Apparentlywearen'tgoingtobechasingaftersmallanimalstoday.Westopinvariousshopsandstores,thoughnoonesmellsparticularlyappetizingtome.Infact,theyprettymuchallsmellexactlythesame.Demetriendsupscaringonewoman—haircurly,cheeksflushed,stomachplump—bythrowingherupagainstawallandliterallyforcingmyfaceintoherneck.Ipolitelystepaway,mutteringapologiesasshestaresatmered-facedandblubbering.
"MaybeweshouldcallCarlisle,"Demetrimutters,defeated.HerubsthebackofhisneckandIwanttoremarkonhowhumanthatparticularactionlooks.Ichoosenottoonlysothathewon'tleavemealoneinthisstrangestateofmind.
Carlisleanswersafteronlythefirstring,andIlistenpassivelyasDemetriexplainsmypeculiaremotionstohim.Ihearafewwordshereandthereontheotherendoftheline,thoughtheoneexclaimedwiththemostexuberanceisabouthowIleftBellaaloneintheroomwithabsolutelynotrepidation.ThenIhearAlice'squiet,"ButIdon'tunderstandwhat'schanged"inthebackground.CarlislethenordersDemetritogivemethephone.
"What'swrong,Edward?"heasks.
"Yourvoicesoundsmuchdifferentonthephone.Sortofstrange,likeyou'reunderwaterbutsimultaneouslyinanelectriccurrent.Idon'tthinkIlikeitverymuch,"Isay,mostlybecauseit'sthefirstthingthatcomestomindandIwanttoshareitwithsomeone.
"Didanythingstrangehappentoday?"
Itrytothinkback,butcan'trememberanythingbeforeBella'sbloodoozinginsmallcirclesontothesofacushions.
"Idon'tthinkso..."Itrailoff,andDemetriimmediatelygrabsthephonefromme.
HethentellsCarlisleabouthowBellawasforcedtowatchthedecapitationofhundredsofhumans,followedbyAro'sattempttoscaremeintokillingBellainfrontoftheGuard.Icalmlythink,oh,that!DemetrihandsthephonebacktomeandItakeit,thankinghimkindly.ThereisamanwalkingdownthesidewalkasIgrabthecell.
Hesmellsalmostdelightful,andIimmediatelydropthephoneinthesuddenacknowledgementthatahumandoesn'tsmellabsolutelyrepulsivetome.
Ihear,"Edward,areyouthere?Areyouthere?"asIdrainRodolfoofallofhisblood.
"Sorryaboutthat,"IapologizewhenIpickupthephoneoffoftheground.Demetriisstaringatmewithabemusedexpression.
"IthinkIknowwhatmaybegoingon,butthisisexceedinglystrangetohappeninavampire.Alicejustshowedmewhathappened—somehowshemisseditaheadoftime.WhatwereyoufeelingwhenyourealizedthatArohadmanipulatedyouintotryingtokillBellainfrontoftheGuard?"Carlisleisspeakinginhiscalmdoctorvoice.Itamusesme,butonlyslightly.
"Hewasn'tjusttryingtomanipulateme.Theywereallcomingtowardme.Theywerecomingcloserandtheyweregoingtotakeherfromme,"Ireplyslowly,feelingsmallflickersofangersparksomewheredeepinmychest.IhearCarlislehuffontheotherendoftheline.Hecoversthephoneandmutterssomething.Ican'thearexactlywhathe'ssaying,butmyhearingisgoodenoughtoknowheisspeakingtoAlice.
"InAlice'svision,nooneismoving.Edward,Ithinkyoumayhavehadapanicattackandyourbodyisnowrecuperatingbyleavingyouextremelycalm."
"Carlisle,vampiresdon'thavepanicattacks,"Ichuckle.
Bellaisaloneinmybedroomrightnow.Sheisunprotectedandunguarded.Anythingcanhappen.
"Didyoueverhaveanywhenyouwereahuman?"Carlisleasks.Heisspeakingslowly,slowlylikeIamachild.Iamnotachild.Angerisburningthroughmygutlikeacidnow.
"HowthehellamIsupposedtoknow?"Isnap.DemetriislookingatmelikeIhavemultiplepersonalitydisorder.MaybeIdo.Eitherway,wehavetogetbackbecauseBellacouldbedeadanditwouldbemyfault.Thereisadeadmanatmyfeet.Hiseyesarestillopenandtheredsemi-circleseemstohavetwomoreeyesofitsown.Heisstaringupatme.Heisblamingmeforeverything.Iwonderwhohisfamilyis,butitonlylastsformomentsasIamalreadyrunningbacktoVolterra.
Ishutthephone,nolongerwillingtohearanyofCarlisle'samateurishtheories.Demetriishotonmyheels.
"Edward'sback,"hemuttersintothewind.
IamsoangryIcanfeelitallthewaytomyfingertips.Thecauseofthisangerisunknown,butitisbillowingupinsideofmeandsoonitisgoingtocomeout.Myheadfeelslikeit'sgoingtoburstduetotheserapidchangesofemotion.PerhapsIamcrazy.
Wedescendintotheunderground.DemetriandIpartwayssomewhereinthemainhall.HedoesnotcareaboutBellaasIcareaboutBella.Hedoesn'tcarethatshemightbedead,deadinmybedroombecauseIchosetoleaveherentirelyalone.ThereisalumpinmythroatasItentativelyopenthedoortotheroom,onlytofindBellastaringatmewitheyesaswideasanowl's.
Ipacebackandforth.Alloftheangerhasnooutlet.Iwantafight.Ineedafight.
"Doyouwanttohearmoreaboutmycat?"sheasksquietly.
"No!"Ishout,anditistooharsh,tooquick.Shelooksmomentarilystunned,backingintothecouchattheforceofmyanswer.Yet,Ican'tbringmyselftorepent."Didyoulockthisdoor?"Iask.Whenshetakestoolongtoanswer,Irepeatit."Isaid,whenIleftdidyoulockthisdoor?"
"Edward..."shebegins,butIcutheroff.
"No,thatismyname,"Isnap."Didyoulockthisdoor?"Ienunciateeverysyllable.
Herlipspartandshemightanswer,butitdoesn'tmatterbecauseIsuddenlyhaveanurgentdesiretokissher.So,Ido.HerlipspartbeneathmineandIplaceonehandonhercheekastheotherbeginstowraparoundherwaist.Iamprobablytouchingherwithtoomuchforce,butshetastestoogoodandherlipsarewarmandsoft.Weinhaleatthesametime,andItasteherwithsuchpotencythatbythetimeIcanregisterwhatI'mdoing,I'malreadyleaningthelengthofmybodyoverherasherbackrestsagainstthecouch.Myfingertipsareunderneaththecottonofhershirt,myshirt,andbrushingagainstthesoftskinthere.BeforeIhavethechancetoventureanyfarther,Ifeelasuddensensationagainstmycheek.
Bellaispushingherselfawayfrommychest.Herhandisred.Irealizethatsheslappedme.
"Edward,go."
Iraisemyhandsup.WhatdidIdo?
"Comebackwhenyou'recalm.Go."
Andthatisthefirsttime—butnotthelasttime—IfollowtheordersofIsabellaSwan.
#
ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sHamlet.HamletwritesalettertoOphelia,buthefailsatpoetry.Also,Polonius(Ophelia'sdad)snatchandgrabstheletterandreadsitaloud.He'snonetoohappyaboutitscontents.Iagreewithhim,themaincharacterinShakespeare'splaysshouldbeabletowritepoetry.;)
Thankstorevragforthereadandbeta.
Iappreciateeveryoneofyourcommentsonthisstory!
ithinkiknowenoughofhate
Itmightbebesttoreadthischapteron1/2forformatting.(Upperrighthandcornerofyourscreen.)
#
Ospiritoflove,howquickandfreshartthou!That,notwithstandingthycapacityReceivethasthesea,noughtentersthere,Ofwhatvalidityandpitchsoever,ButfallsintoabatementandlowpriceEveninaminute!sofullofshapesisfancy,Thatitaloneishigh-fantastical.
Willyouhateme...
#
Theguiltrushesovermelikeawave.Ican'tpinpointitsexactorigin,butIamsurethatitisall-consuming.ImoveawayfromBellaassheasked—forIamquitesureIwillalwaysdoassheasks—onlytocomeuponDemetriandAlectalkingconspiratoriallytogether.Ialmostrunrightintothem,actually.Aleclooksup,allharsheyesandhardlines.Demetri,ontheotherhand,lookseerilyremorseful.Inodmyheadinapologyandskirtaroundthem,windingthroughthedarkpassagesuntilIfindoneoftheartrooms.
Itisashame,allofthesepricelessworkshiddensofardowninthisdeeplabyrinth.Marcus,anavidcollectorwithacruelsenseofhumanity,purchasedtheworksbeforetheartistsoughtthefruitsofhislabor,andensuredthattheartistneverwould.Marcusbelievesthatfameinhumansistheultimatedownfall,andrefusestogiveanyofhis"littlepets"(ashecalledhisartists)anyrecognitionfortheirwork.Thereisareasonmanyoftheartistsbecomefamousonlyafewyearsaftertheirdeath.ThatreasonisMarcus.
Isitdowninthecorneroftheroominapeculiarsortoftime-out.IamnotsurewhentheappropriatetimewouldbetoreturntoBella.Honestly,Idon'tfeelanydifferent.Idon'tfeelrepentant.Ionlywanttobewithherlonger,andIcan'tdothatwithoutherconsent.Itfeelswrong.Ileanmyheadagainstapainting.Thecanvassuccumbstothestone,butitdoesn'ttear.No,thesepaintings,thoughalmostcompletelyunseen,arekeptinpristinecondition.
Idon'tknowhowlongIsattherebeforeDemetriknocksonthedoor,enteringsimultaneously.Hisfaceisstillcalmandapologetic,anditbelatedlyoccurstomethatIcannothearhisthoughts.Hashebeenpracticing?Icanhardlybebotheredtonotice.Always,itisallaboutme,notthosearoundme.Demetriwalksoverandsitsbesideme,thoughhedoesn'tneedto.Therobesfallgentlyagainstthestonefloorinsoftripples.
"Ihaveaconfession,"DemetrisaysasifheisthesinnerandIamthepriest.Ilookathimoutofthecornerofmyeye,thoughfeelitmorepropertoleavehimwithoutmygaze."I'mdonewithit."
"Idon'tthinkIunderstand,"Isayafterthesilencerunstoolong.Wearebothtalkingtotheairinfrontofus,emptyandimpersonal.
"YouknowI'vebeenheremuchlongerthanyouhave...toolong,"Demetribegins,thoughheendsuptrailingoffbytheend.
"Soyou'releavingtheGuard?"Iask.Itisonlyright.HehasbeenheremuchlongerthanmostoftheGuard,includingmyself.Ican'tevenfathomservingforthatlong,alwaysatthebeckandcallofAro'sneeds.Isupposehedoesn'tleaveforthesamereasonIdon't;thereisnooneoutsidewaitingforustoemerge.
"No."Hisanswerconfusesme,andmyeyes,breakingourunspokentruce,darttohisface.Hestaysstrong,refusingtolookatme.
"Youmeanyou'redonewith–"
"Everything,"hesays,finishingmyquestionforme.Westaysilentforafewmoments,lettingitsinkin.ItispeculiarquietforIcannolongerhearDemetri'sthoughts.Itistruequiet,nottherelativequietIhavecometolivewithupuntilthispoint.ItisBellaquiet."I'mtellingyouthisbecauseallofmylocationabilitieswillbelostafterward.Arowillnolongerbeabletotrackpeople,unlessthepersoniswitnessedbysomeonehereads."
"I'mnotsurehowthatpertainstome,"Ireply,bothofourvoicesstillvoidofemotionalattachment.
"Itdoesn'tnow,butIbelieveitwill,"Demetrisaysasifhehasinfiniteknowledge.Itangersme.
"WhydoeseveryoneelseseemtoknowsomuchmoreaboutmylifethanIdo?"Iask,fuming."Demetri,thinkaboutthis.TherecanbesomuchforyououtsidetheGuard.Youatleasthavetotry..."
"Edward,"Demetrisighs,rubbinghisfingersincirclesonhistemples,"Youaresoyoung,andsolucky.YouhaveBellasittinginyourroom.Edward,youloveher.Itissodamnobviousthatyoudo.Yethereyouare,tellingmethatthereismoreforme,butnotgrabbingwhatyouhaverightinfrontofyou.Iamdonewiththishalf-lifeEdward.Butyou...youarenot."
"Demetri,youcan'tjustleaveme,"Iprotest.
"Oh,Edward,"hesighs,"It'sforthebest."
Demetrileavesmehere,silentandsurroundedbypricelessart.Theroomisemptyand,truly,ithasalwaysbeenempty.IthinkoverwhatDemetrisaid.ItoccurstomethatIneveraskedhimwhenandhow,onlythewhy.ForallIknow,thatcouldhavebeenmylastconversationwithDemetriever.Anditistheonlytrueconversationwehaveeverhad.
Imoveslowlybacktomyroom,stillhesitantastowhetherIshouldbereturningatall.FromasilentstancejustoutsideIcanhearBella'ssoftheartbeatandquietbreathing,tellingsignsofhersleep.Iopenthedoorquietlyonlytoconfirmmyassumption.Herhandiscuppedbeneathherchin,herbodycurledinthefetalposition.Itakeoffmyrobeanddrapeitoverherbody.Stillsleeping,shegraspsthehemoftherobeandpullsituptoherchin,jawtensingandrelaxing.Isitacrossfromherasshesleeps.Hoursfeellikeminutesinthetranquilcalmandsilence,thoughmymindplaysarepetitive,isDemetrigone?
Sheawakesslowlywithsmallmovements.Iwatchhershiftintoconsciousness;hereyesblinkingrapidlyassheletthemadjust.Herfistscomeupandrubathereyes.Iwatchherlookatmebutnotreallyseeme.Icantelltheexactmomentwhenshedoes:shelookspissed.
"Areyoubacktonormal?"sheasks,headtiltedtotheside.Shereachesfortheremainingfoodandbeginsopeningawrapperofsomethingthatlooksutterlyunappetizing.
"Yes,"Ireply,eventhoughIcanhardlythinkofanythingasfrivolousasspeechwhilesheiseating.
Shewalkstowardsme,allkindsofpurposeinherstep.Thenmyfaceisinherhandsandsheisstaringatmeintently,andallIcanreallyfeeliswarmth.
"Whatdoyoufeel?"sheasks,andwhenIanswer"warm",herlipsareontopofmylips.Theyaresoftkisses,sweetones.Itiltmyheadtothesidetodeepenitandsheobliges,pullingonmyshirtasIrunmyhandsupanddownherback.Sheislike
water,oxygen:boththingsIdon'ttrulyneed,Isuppose,butwouldn'tdarelivingwithout.ShebeginstomakesoftnoisesasImovemylipsdowntoherthroat.Herskinpulsesagainstmymouth,throbbinghardundertheforceofherheart.Ipullthedelicatefleshintomymouth,feelingeverything.Ifeelgentlepressureonmychinandrealizethatsheistryingtopullmyfacebacktohers.Igaspintotheconcentratedaironlymomentsbeforesherecapturesmylips.Iamnolongerincontrol,butnotinabadway.
Iletoutagroanasherhandsrunuptheinsideofmyshirt.NeverhaveIfeltsomethingsoperfect,sowarm.Shesmilesslightlyagainstmylips,arosyanddevilishsmirkthatIadore.Shestops,leansherheadtotheside,cheekagainstcheek.Ibegintotiltmyheaddowntoherenticingcollarbone,thoughshestopsmebypullingbackslightly.
"Doyouloveme?"sheasks,seriousandsincere.Mybreathcatchesforamoment,mymindwhirls.DemetriassumesthatIdo,buthehardlyknowsme.IknowIfeelstronglyabouther.IknowIfeelastrongpulltowardher.ButIdon'tknowifIloveher.AndifIamnotcertain,Ican'ttellherthatIdo.Ihaveneverfeltlovebefore,saveforthedistantmemoryoffamiliallove.Iknowloveinthethoughtsofothers,inthesickinfatuationsofperverts,intheembraceofgrandparents.Itallseemssortofsicklysweettome.Sicklysweetwithatouchofneedydependence.
Andthenshesmiles.
I
feelit.Mymindreels,confused.Mybodydoesnotallowmetoembracethisemotion.I
have
struggledtoconfrontsomethingsocompletelytransforming,socompletelyirrevocable.Ithas
never
wantedtocomprehendsomethingsoall-consuming.Itwashesoverme,anunstoppableforceofuncertainmagnitude.It
felt
incredible;itisswallowingmewhole.ButIwantitto.Please,showmehowtobe
like
thisforever.Showmehowtokeepthislove.Toholdthislovewithme.Tomakeitpermanent.So
this
fleetingfeelingofperfectharmonyneverdesertsme.Pleasedon'tbringmebacktothe
before,
becauseIdon'tknowhowI'lllivenow.Idon'tknowhowI'llbreathenow.Idon'tknowhowI'llsurvivenow.Idon'tknowanythingatall.Anditscaresme.
SoIlie.
"No."
IfeeltheguiltexplodeinmychestwhileIanswer.Hersmiledrops.Gone,justlikethat.Ididthat.WhatwouldDemetrithinknow?Shepushesawayfromme,walksbacktothecouch.IfeellikeIhaveleadallthroughmybody.Shestaresatmeforamoment,andthengetsupandleaves.Itisunsafe.Sheshouldn'tbeoutthereunguarded.ThatistheonlythoughtthatenablesmetogetupfromwhereIamsittingandtrailher.Iwatchfromasafedistanceasshewalkstothebathroom.Shedoesn'tnoticemyfollowing.Iammuchtooquiet,ofcourse.Sheshowersandusestherestroom,andwhenshefinishesIduckintothedoorwayjustintimeforhertomissme.
Whileshesleepsthatnight,Ifindresolveinmydecisiontolie.Theinstinctistherefortherightreason.Iamprotectingher.Thereisnothingtoholdhertome,justasIheldCarlisletome.Throughlove.Allitdoesishurttheotherperson.Ican'thurtBellafor100years,asIhadhurtCarlisle.Now,onceIgetheroutofthisparticularhell,shewillbeabletogohomeandforgetallaboutme.Shewillhaveanormallife,
thissmallinterruptionjustahorrificnightmaretoforgetabout.
"PleaseBella,youmustunderstand,"Iwhisperasshesleeps,mycoldfingerrunningfromhertempletoherchin,backandforth.Shedoesn'tmove,onlycurlstighterinonherself.Hermusclesandfacelookstrained,notthepeacefulsleepIamusedtoseeingherin.Herhair,stilldamp,sprawlsacrossthecouchinawidearc.Itisdarkerwhenwet,adeepchocolatethatIseeinhereyeseveryday.Asthenightgrowslateranditdries;itbecomessofterandlighter.Itouchitwithmyfingertips,slowly,barely.
Shemovesslightlyinhersleepbutdoesn'twakeup.Isitbesideherforafewlongmomentsbeforeatimidknockonmydoorbreaksmefrommyconcentration.MyfirstthoughtisthatDemetrihaschangedhismind,thoughontheothersideofthedoorstandsanewbornvampire.Hecan'tbeovertheageof14or15,andhisattentionimmediatelyturnstoBella.Isnapandgrowl,quicklydroppingintoadefensivecrouch.Butthethirstconsumesnewborns,andwecollidewithathunderingcrash.InthebackofmymindIcanhearBellaawaken.Icanheartheslightintakeofbreaththatsignalshershock,andthesoundofherfeetbackingtowardthefarwall,stumblingslightly.
Iamquickerandmuchmoreefficientthanthemeaslynewborn,andIhavehimpinnedwithrelativeease.Justbecauseitoccursquicklydoesn'tmeanIamanylessinfuriated.
"Whoareyou?"Ispitout,myvoicetoolow,quick,andintenseforBellatohear.Heonlylooksatme,hiseyeswideandblack.Hewasthirstybeforehecamedownhere.Histhoughtsarewildandwithoutabandon,amadrushthatisoverpoweredbyhisthirst.Withhisthirst,ofcourse,comesmine,anditisincreasinglydifficulttokeepmyselfincheckwithBella'sheartthunderinginthebackgroundofmyinterrogation."Iasked,whoareyou?"Irepeat.
"Mark,"hethrowsout,thoughIknowitisn'thisrealname.
"Whyareyouhere,Anthony?"Iask,usingthenameIpulledfromhismind,theonehetriestocoverup.Hiseyeswidenfurtherwhenherecognizesmypower.Already,hehasgivenup.
"Itisn'tmyfault,itisn'tmyfault,"hetriestoplead,hisvoiceabrokenrecord.
"Whosentyou?"
"Aro.Hetoldmetocomeandgetyou.Hedidn'ttellmetherewouldbeahumanhere.Hedidn'ttellmewhy.Youhavetobelieveme.Youhaveto,"hespeakswithsincerity,andIprobablywouldhavebelievedhimevenwithouttheconfirmationI
hearinhisremembranceofthesituation.Arohadrequestedhimtocomeandfetchme,andhehaddoneitintentionally.Hepickedthethirstiest,youngestvampireandsenthimstraightforBella.Again,Iamfumingwithanger.
"Okay.Go,getout,"Isnap.Herunsawaylikeasmall,scaredrabbit.IturnaroundandfaceBella.Shestaresstraightbackatme,herfaceeerilyemotionless.Ihavedonethat,forallIevercauseishurt.Ibegintowalktowardher.Shecrossesherarmsoverherchestdefensively.Istop."I'msorry–"Ibegintoapologizeforsomuchmorethantheintrusion.
"Saveit,"shecutsmeoff."Soundslikeyouhavesomewheretobe,anyway."
Istandstillaftershestopsspeaking,unsureofhowtoplacateher.WhatcanIdobutapologize?Ihavenothingtooffer.Ican'tevenofferherherownfreedom.AllIcandoistake,nevercanIgive.Ihavetakeneverything.Lefther,literally,withnothing.
ButthereisonethingIwillnevertake:herlove.
Ilockthedoorfromtheoutside(yeah,likethatwillkeepanyoneout)andwandertowardthegreatroom.IfIamgoingtoatrial,Idon'twanttoparticipate.IfIamgoingtoanythingotherthanatrial,Ireallydon'twanttoparticipate.Eitherway,Ihavetoparticipate.Iwalkslowly,bidingmytime,thoughIeventuallyreachthemainroom.Arositswherehenormallysitsduringtrials,flankedbyMarcusandCaius.Ilooktowardwherethepersecutedsitsonlytofindthechairempty.Hebeckonsmetohim.Itakemeasuredsteps,tryingtokeepmycalmashewatcheswithbenignhumor.
"HelloEdward,"hesmiles."Careforahandshake?"
Iimmediatelyfreezeup.Normally,Iwouldhaveofferedittohimwithoutaproblem.Ihadnothingtohide.Hell,Arokneweverything.Butnotthistime.ThistimeIhaveBellatohide.Whatwillhethinkofmyfeelingsforher,ofourinteractions?Willhetakeherfromme?Idon'tputthatoutofhispower,especiallynotaftersendingthenewborntomyroom,practicallyinvitinghimtofeastonher.Whatwillbehisgainoutoftakingherfromme?AmIjustapawninhissickgame?Yes.Probablyyes.
"Edward,thatisanorder,"heclucks."Youkeepdoingthistomelately.ItisasthoughIamnotevenyourleaderanymore.I'mquitedisappointedinyou,youknow.Youweresopromising..."hetrailsoff,reachinghishandouttome."Well,goonthen.Youknowwhathappenstovampireswhodisappointmetoomuch."
Yes,Iknow.Theygetpulledapartandburned.
Slowly,achinglyslowly,Ireachmyhandforwardtotouchhis.Justbarely—thatisallittakes—andmyentireexistenceisflashingbeforemyeyeslikeacruelslideshow.Honestly,ittakesmybreathawaytoseeitallinfrontofme.WhenwereachBella—itcouldhavebeenmoments,itcouldhavebeendecades—Arobeginstosmileslightly.Hehassomethingplanned,and,ifItrulyhavetoadmitit,itscaresme.BythetimewebreakcontactIfeeldrained.Itislikelayingmylifeoutonasilverplatter,waitingtobejudged.
"Youknow,younevertoldmethatyoucouldn'treadherthoughts,"Aroaccusesmelikeweoftentelleachotheroursecrets,andthisissomethingstrange.Heseemstoponderthisforamoment,strokinghisjawwiththetipsofcrusty,bonyfingers.Heturnstowardme,hislonghairbrushingoverhisshoulderinadead,limpsortofway."IthinkI'vemadeadecision.I'vechangedmymindfromwhatwespokenofbeforehisarrival,Caius,"hesays,speakingtoCaiusthoughhedoesn'tbothertolookoverhisshoulder.Instead,hekeepshisbloodredeyesonmeasCaiusharrumphs.Marcus,listeningintently,bowshisheadandbeginstonoditupanddown.IeventhinkIseehimsmileslightly.
"Before,Edward,"hebegins,speakingtomenow,"IbelievedBellawasnothingmorethanadistraction.Iwasbotheredbyit,ofcourse,becauseyounolongertotallybelongedtome.Ithoughtthatafterwegaveyouyoursinger,youwouldbemuchmorevigorousandlivelyinyourattitudetowardtherestoftheGuard.Infact,IbelievedBella'sbloodwouldpersuadeyourdiettoperhapsamore...traditionaloutlook."
Lively?Vigorous?Thewordshardlymakesensetomyears.Forhow,inthedepthsofthisbottomlesshell,canitbepossibletofeelbothlivelyandvigorous?ArocontinuestotalkbutItunethemajorityofitout.Believeitornot,IhavealreadydeducedthemajorityofAro'smotivesbeforeheexplainedthemtome.Iassumeheknowsthis,butArohasathingfortheflourishandlongevityofthestory.Itunebackinwhenhespeaksofhowhehaschangedhismind.
"Buttherearetwothingsthatmademechangemymind.Thefirstisthatyoudearlycareabouther.Infact,youloveher,don'tyou?"Arosmilesthen,thoughitismoreofasmirk.Hetiltshisheadtothesideandstares,eyeshazyandemotionless."Yes,yousurelydo.Anyway,thatisthefirstreasonIchangedmymind.ForwhykillBella,yourdistraction,ifyouhavesoobviouslymatedwithher?"
Iblanchathiswords.Killher.Allthewhilehehasbeencountingdowntothismoment.Afterall,theGuardownsher.Eitherway,Ifearshewilldie.Eithershewilldieonourattemptedescape,orshewillperishundertheplannedhandsofmysuperior.Butwiththeformer,Icantry.Wecanatleastattempttogetoutofthis
underworld.Iwilldoit.Iwillgetherout.Somehow.ItisthenthatIrealizedthatAroisstilltalking.
"ButthenIdecided,shehassuchanamazingpower.Youcan'tevenreadhermind.SurelyIcan't,andsurelyJane'spowerswillnotworkonhereither.WhatawonderfulassettoourlittleGuard,shewouldbe.Wewouldbeunstoppable.Afterall,Ihaveheardstoriesofcertainshieldsthatareabletoprotectnotonlythemselves,butthosearoundthemaswell.Allitwouldtakeisalittletraining..."
"Soshewouldn'tdie?"Iblurtout.
"Well,Isupposenotinthetraditionalsense,no.ButI'morderingherchangefromhumantovampire,byyou.That'sfinal.Thankyouforcoming,Edward.Besuretobringherhereoncethetransformationbegins."Hethenhastheaudacitytosmileatme,likeeverythinghehasjustsaidhasn'tbeentheendingtomyentireexistence.
"ButAro,"Itrytoprotest,butamcutoffbeforeIcanevenstart.
"Imademydecision."Heiswalkingawayfrommenow,backtowhereCaiusandMarcussit.Caius;Idon'texpectsympathyfrom,nordidIreceiveany.Marcuswon'tevenmeetmyeye.Ipausebeforeleaving;waitingforsomething,anything.Nothingchanges.Noonereacts.Iwalkaway.
Ican'tfaceBella.Notafterthat,notafterbefore.IcallCarlislebuthedoesn'tanswer.Istareatthephone,hardlylisteningasitrecitestheautomaticansweringmachine.Itrytocallhimtwomoretimes,thoughIamscreenedeachtime.Idon'tleaveamessage.Iturnoffthephoneonlymomentsbeforethebeep.
Ican'tfindDemetri.Hell,perhapshe'salreadydonethedeed.Somehow,Idoubtit.
Ithenrealizedthat,changingunderme,Bellawillhave100yearswiththeGuard.Shewillhavetoservethemforanentirecentury.Isthisthemeaningofkarma?FirstCarlisle,nowBella?Afterall,IamnotgoingtoleaveBella.Itisnotevenascenariothathascrossedmymind.IturnasharpcornertofindDemetristaringatme.Hesits,silentandstill,noreactionsatall.Butsomethinginhisfacepropelsmeintoaction.Isitthesharp,intensestare?Isittheslightcurveofhismouth,pointeddownwardindisappointment?IsitthewayheturnsfrommethemomentbeforeIleavehislineofsight?Ican'tbesure.ButIknowIhavetoact.Now.
Ithunderthroughthehallway,thoughImakealmostnonoise.Bellaissittinginmybedroom,hereyesclosedbutdefinitelynotasleep.IbegintothroweverythingthatIownontothefloorinordertomaskherscent.Themajorityoftheclothesweresittinginthedrawertheentiretimeshewasinmyroom.Icansmellheroneverything,
thoughsomearticleslessthanothers.IonlyhopethatotherswillnotbeasattunedtoBella'sscentasIam.AsIthrowacleanrobeatBella—offeringnoexplanation,mindyou—myphonerings.
Iflipitopenatlightningspeed.Carlisle.Nowhechoosestomakecontact.Lovely.Iturnoffthephone.
"Edward,what'sgoingon?"Bellaasks,hervoicebreakingtwooctaves.
Honestly,Iamnotentirelysure.Thishasn'treallybeenplanned.
"We'rerunning."AndthatisallIknow.
Suddenlypreoccupiedwiththefactthatanyoneinalargeproximitycanhearus,Imotiontoherthatwehavetobequiet.Sheunderstands,andIwatchhelplesslyasshepullsonthenewrobe.Ithenknowthattheactionisfutile.Itdoesn'tmaskherscentatall.
"Stayquiet,"Iwhisper,liftingherinmyarms.Shewrapsherarmsaroundmyneckanddigsherfaceintomychest.Itisprobablyoneofthemostintimatesituationswehaveeverbeenin.Somesmallpartofmybrain,builttocapturethesemomentsandplaythemonrepeatforever,takesaquicksnapshotjustbeforewerocketoutthedoor.
Andwealmostmakeit.
Butthenwedon't.
"Whereareyougoing?"Janeasks.BothsheandAlecstandbeforeme,armscrossed.Bellaturnsawayfromthembothasiftheirverysightrepelsher.IhavetoadmitthatIfeelalmostexactlythesameway.AndthenIbegintolie.
"I'mgettinghersomefoodfromVolterra."
Icanseetheexittoo.Icanseeit;rightbehindJane'sleftshoulder.Icanalmosttasteourfreedom.ButIknowbetterthantoactirrationally,especiallyinfrontofJane.
"Aro'sordersarethatnooneleavestonight.Leastofallyou,"shesmirks,showinginhermindhisdirectiontostationvariousmembersoftheGuardateachoftheundergroundexits.Naturally,IchoosetheonethathousesJane.Suchismyluck."Idobelieveheassumedthatyouweregoingtotryandescape.Iguesshewasright."
"It'snotescaping.Afterall,my100yearsareup.IcanleaveanytimeIwant,"Isaysmoothly.
"Yes,"shelaughs,callingmybluff,"butshecan't.Afterall,finderskeepers,right?"
IstruggletokeepmyfistunclenchedastonotbruiseBella.
"Whydon'tyouputherdown,anyway?It'snotlikeshe'sachild.Ifyoureallyweregettingfood,shecouldhavejustwalkedrightalongsideyou.Orisyourneedforspeedsimplyoverwhelmingyourlackofcommonsense?"shesmirks.Aleclaughssoftlybesideher.Heisconstantlytryingtooutshinehissmaller,morepowerfulsister.Heisalsoconstantlyfailing.Ichoosetousethat.
"Alec,tooweaktogetyourownexit?Havetobepairedwithyoursister,asperusual?"Iask.Hescowlsatme,wrinklescreasinghismarbledface.
"Arojustlikesthebothofustogether,"hesays,defendinghimself.
"Yes,becausesomeoneneedstohaveyourback,"Ipretendtomutter.
"Maybeit'smethathasherback,"Alecsnarls,angriernow.
"Okay,let'snotgettooaheadofourselves,"Janeinterjects,smilingacoysmile.
"What,youthinkyou'resomuchmorepowerfulthanme?"Alecasks,turningonJanenow.Iwatch.Everythingisgoingaccordingtoplan.Maybewewillgetoutafterall.
"Idon'tjustthink,Iknow–"
Andwedoalmostgetoutafterall.
Butthenwedon't.
"What'sallthecommotionabout?"drawlsaheavy,slowvoice.ItisCaius.Hewalkslanguidlyashespeaks,robesdrapedoverlimbsliketheoldcurtainsonadustywindow.WhenIturnaroundhesmirks.
"AlecandIwerekeepingEdwardandhishumaninside,underAro'sorders,"Janeinterjects,nowonherverybestbehavior.Alecalsostandsstraighter,flexinghismuscles.
"Yes,andaverygoodjobyou'vedone,obviously,"Caiusspeakssarcastically."ButIthinkI'lltakeitfromhere,ifyoudon'tmind."
"Ofcourse,"theystammer,theirvoicestrippingoveroneanother.Caiusturnswithoutanotherword,thoughIknowwearetofollowhim.IputBellaonthegroundbymyfeet,whisperforhertoremaincalm,andgraspherhandinmind.Shestaysclosetomysideaswewalk—tooquicklyformosthumans.Shetripsalongsideme,thoughIkeepherfromfalling.CaiusbringsustoAro,whoisalreadyshakinghisheadatmeindisapproval.
"Somehow,Iexpectedthisofyou,Edward.Idon'twanttoexpectthisofyou,butIdid.Andforthatreason,Iamprepared,"ArosighsasifIamdisappointinghimmorebymerelybeinginhispresence."Well,letmeatleastseeBella."Hethenholdsouthishandasifheisuncomfortablewitheventheprospectofahumantouchingit.Well,Isupposeheprobablyis.Igentlycoaxherhandforward.Shelookstomeforconfirmation.Ionlynodmyheadandwaitfortheirhandstotouch.Bellalooksconfusedwhentheydo,andIrealizeitisbecauseAro'sgiftdoesnotworkonhereither."Wonderful!"Aroexclaims."YouwillbeanabsolutelywonderfuladditiontotheGuard."
"What?"Bellaaskssuddenly,thenblushes.
"Haveyounotsharedthefantasticnews?"Aroasks,feigningshock.Istareathimwithempty,deadeyes."ForgivemeifIhavespoiledasurprise.Bella,youaregoingtobechangedtonight!Iamtrulyexcitedforyoutojoinourranks."ArothengivesBellaoneofhissweetestsmiles.Belladoesn'treturnit.Instead,shelooksatme.AllIseeisfear.
"Well,Imustbeoff,"hesighs."Peopletosee,youknow."Henudgesmyshoulderlikewehavesharedaprivatejoke."I'llspeakwithyouinthreedays,Bella.Youwillhavealottolearn."
Hedisappearsandweareleftinsilence.
WhenIlayBelladownonthecouchinmybedroom,shedoesn'tcry.
"Willithurt?"sheasks.
"Yes,"Ianswer.
Sheonlynods.
"Iwillbehereforyouwhenyouwakeup."Itrytoeaseherworry.
Sheonlylooksaway,eyesaverted.
"I'msosorry,"Isay,attemptinganotherapology.
"Don'tbe,"shesmiles."Afterall,"shebegins,cuppingmycheekinherwarmhand,"youtried."
AndthenIbite.
#
ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sTwelfthNight.
Thankstorevragforthebeta.
tosaythatfordestruction,ice
...orwillyousimplyforgetme?
ShesmilestotheshadowacrossthewayThere'sanunderstandingthatyoudon'tunderstandWatchingasyouare,watchinginthewindowYoupretendthatyouknowher,thatyou'reprotectingherButyou'renot.You'resimplynotShe'sleavingnow,andsheremindsyouofyourselfWalkingthroughlifeeventhoughit'srainingEventhoughit'srainingandthecold,wetdewissinkingintoyourskinSinkingintoyourboneShetakesshelterandyouwonderhowitispossibleThatonebeingcanlooksoPerfectYoustandoutsideandwatchJealousofthewarmth,jealousofeverythingButthenyourealizePerhapsherskinandboneandfleshisbetteroffinthereAndnowyourthoughtsareaselfishevilBecauseallyouwantisheroutsidewithyouIntherainandcoldandwetWatchingasthedewsinksintoherbone
BecauseyouseeherYouseeherstandingtherelikeyouknowherButthenyourealizethatyoudon'tAndthatshecanbeanyoneelseAndthatshecanbelongtoanyoneelseAnyonethatisn'tyouButyoureachoutanywaythinking,maybe;justmaybeAndyoucatchthetipsofherhairinyourfingersAndthewindrunsthroughRushing,gentle,pullingfromyourgrasp,AwayfromyoulikethedestinyitisAndyoucryout,"Whataboutme?"Andsheturnstoyou,questioningEyesoffire,eyesofsteel."Whatisitthatyouwantfromme?"Andyoucan'tanswerherquestionbecauseyoudon'tknowyourself
Andeventhoughyouwanttoscream,youstaysilentShestaresatyou,burningholesthroughyourskinPoisonous,venomousAndyourealizethatyouhavemostcertainlyfailedherAndyouwanttotakeitallbackandexclaim,"Itisallmyfault!"Butyouknowthatyoucan'tAndshewalksawayAndyourealizethatyoudon'tknowherThatyounevertrulyknewherThatyounevereventriedAndyouclutchyourarmstoyourchestAndcry
#
Shescreamsandscreamsandscreamsandscreamsandscreams.
Ofcourse,thatisonlyafterherthrashingagonyagainstmybody,myteethandlipssecuringhertightlywithmeagainstherwill.ShegaspsandcriesoutasIpullthedeliciousbloodfromherneck.Thememoriesarerushingintomeasquicklyastheblooddoes—beautiful,unstoppable.
Thecourseoftrueloveneverdidrunsmooth.
Theblood,ontheotherhand;now,that'ssmoothassin.
Ifeelitfalldownmyneckanditiseffortless,thenumerouswayswefit.EventuallyshequietsandIknowI'mdoingthiswrong;IknowI'mkillingher.IknowitdeepdowninmybonesandwhenIbegintoimagineherdead,empty,cold;andwhenIbegintoimagine,perhaps,justhoweasythatoutcomecanbe,myphonerings.Ofcourse,it'sCarlisle.Ofcourse,Icanbarelyhearitoverthisrushing,streamingecstasy.Itakeabreath.Itisunnecessary,unconscious,life-saving.IseeBella'shandgraspmywrist,hereyesflutteringinthisdisgustingstatebetweenconsciousnessandimminentpain.
Iapologizetoher,thoughnotaloud.Ican'tdoitaloud.Idon'tknowwhy.Mypalmsincaseherface.Herskin,normallylukewarmagainstmyicecooliswarmingbythesecond.Sheisnolongertepid;sheisfire.
"Edward,"shegasps.
"Edward,Edward,"shegasps.
"Howcouldyou?Howcoulddothis?Howcouldyoudothistome?"shegasps,gasps,gasps.
Ican'tevenlistentoitanymore.Ican'tevenhear.Herbloodisinsideme,fillingmeinawaythatmakesmewanttovomit,topurgemyself.ItakeandtakeandtakeandIcan'tgiveanythingatall.Shebeginstofeelnotonlytheheat,butthepainaswell.Herhandishotbetweenmine,asthoughitwasinapitofburningcharcoal.ShecannolongerspeakandIamgrateful.Myguiltrelishesinmypain,floppingaroundinmystomachlikeademonasIprotectivelycircleBella.
OccasionallyIhearacuriousvampire,hisorherearstrainedonthecurioussoundsofanincessantlyscreamingvictim.Theycomecloser,sometimes,thoughtheymostlystayfarenoughaway.Theyhaveheardrumorsthatmyformerlyquietdemeanorhastransformedintoonebothvolatileandunpredictable.ItissomethingIdon'tunderstand.Afterall,Istillfeelandactassubmissiveasagod-damnhuman.
Myfistsclenchandunclenchatmysides.
Seconds,minutes,hourspass.Noonecomestocheck.NotevenAro.
Whatishewaitingfor?Iwonder.Ican'thelpbuthatehim.It'ssomethingIcan'thelp.
Ipullherhairbackoffofherface.Sheissweating,herbodytremblinginthisappallingsortofway.Itdoesn'tstop.Idon'trememberthetorturelastingthislong.Whydoesithurtmorewatchingthanfeeling?Itouchherlimppalmwithmyfingertips.Sheflinchesaway.She'sinstinctuallyrejectingmenow.Theclockcreepsalong,eachsecondpiercingthroughmelikeasharpenedblade.Shecriesoutagain.Itsoundslikeherheartbeatisslowing,thoughIamsuremymindisonlyplayingtricksonme.
Morehourspass.Itcouldbedays,butIcan'ttell.Noonecomes.Bellanolongerscreams,onlyshakes.Iwonderifthisiswhatit'slikewhenwatchingahumandie.No,forI'veheardittendstooccurpeacefully.This—thisissomethingmuchworse.Thisisn'tdying;thisiswatchingsomeonebeburnedalive.Herheartbeatslowsagain.Thistimeitmustbereal.Thistimeithastobereal.
Whenshewakes,doItellherthatI'msorry?
Sheinhalessharply,therhythminherchestslowingtremendously.Itouchhercheek.Itissolidandcold.Sheisnolongerflushed.Herskinismalleabletomyfingers,thoughitwillnolongerbetoanyoneelse's.Thereissilenceinthisroom.Ihearnothing.Nobreathing,noheart,nothoughtssavefortheonesrunningrampantinmyownhead.Thequietiseerie.IfeellikeIcandrowninit.
"Bella,"Itry,forshehasn'topenedhereyes,thoughherheartstoppedmanyminutesprior.Shedoesn'tmove."Bella?"Itryagain,moreforcefully.Myhandbrushesupanddownthelengthofherarm.Sheispaleasaghostandinherentlybeautiful.Theimmobilestatueofachinadoll.BeforeIcanblinksheissitting,staringatmewitheyesofbloodyred.IammoreafraidinherpresencethanIhaveneverbeeninthepresenceofanyone.
Thereissomethingwonderfullypowerfulinherposition.Icanseeitjustbehindtheglowinglustofthirstinhergaze.
"Edward,"shesays.HervoiceisdifferentandIdon'tthinkIlikeit.Idon'tthinkIlikeitatall.
"Areyoufeelingokay?"Iask,butit'sastupidquestion.Shelaughsaloud,rightinmyface.Likeacackle.Likewearesharingasecretjokethatwillendinsomeone'sdownfall.Sheholdsoutherhandinfrontofherface,tiltingitbackandforth.Shedoesthesamewiththeotherhand.
"Isupposemynailswillbechippedforeternitynow,right?"sheasksinamonotone.It'srhetorical,butIcan'thelpflounderingforsomesortofanswer.
IhavetheoverwhelmingurgetotellherthatIloveherinstead.
Shestaresatmeandfurrowsherbrow,andtheworldgoesdark.Itislikeblackingout,thoughIcanhearandfeeleverythingaroundme.Ihearmyselfgaspsuddenly.Ifeelmyarmsmovingupanddown,thoughI'mnotcontrollingthem.Ifeelmyselfstandandstretch.Itrytoscreambutmymouthdoesn'tmove.Ifightforcontrolofmybodyandlose.Andthen,justasquicklyasIlostcontrol,everythingisback.Bellaisstaringatme,hereyeswideandempty.Shocked.
"Whatthehellwasthat?"Iall-butyell.Sheonlyshakesherheadatme,bewildered.
Weareinterruptedbyaslow,steadyclaptoourright.Unbeknownsttous,Arowasinourpresencetheentiretime.Thereisasmallsmileonhisfaceandbothofhiseyebrowsareraised.Hestepsforwardonlyoneortwopaces,hisrobesmovingaroundhisanklessteadily.IcanhearCaiusandJaneinthehallway,waiting.IunconsciouslyshiftmybodyinprotectionofBella,thoughIrealizeifanyoneneedsprotectinghere,itismostdefinitelyme.
"Well,thatwasratherinteresting,"Arosmiles,walkingpastmeandnexttoBella.Shestaresatthefloor.Shedoesn'tknowshecancrushAroinaninstantifshesoinclined."IwaswonderingwhattalentsBellamighthaveaftershehasbeenchanged."Arograspsherhand,caressingitminutely."Shehasretainedtheshield,
obviously.Thoughitlookslikeherpowerextendsfargreaterthanherownmind."Aroturnstowardme,raisinganeyebrow.Thereisanuncomfortablesilence,andbothJaneandCaiusentertheroom.
"CarlislehasalreadypurchasedyouaflightfromVolterratotheStates,"Caiussmirks.Irealizehehasbeenwaitinganxiouslytotellmethis,thoughIcan'tcomprehendwhy.
"I'llcallhimandtellhimI'mstayinghere,"IsaywithasmuchconfidenceasIcanmuster,thoughinmycompanymyvoicesoundsembarrassinglyfrail.
"It'snotyourchoice.We'reorderingyououtthereonassignmentforoneyear."Hissmileisgrowingwidernow.Hethinkshe'strappedme.
"Well,perhapsIamdecidingthatInolongerwanttobeaffiliatedwiththeGuard."
IexceptCaiustofallintomytrap,butIhavethedistinctfeelingthattheoppositehashappened.
"Andyou'rejustgoingtoleavepoorIsabella?"
Anditdoes.IhavefallenintoCaius'strap.
"I,I–"Ibegin,onlytorealizeIhavenoanswer.
"Quitstuttering,Edward.It'sextremelyunattractive,"Arointerjects.Janelaughsquietlyatherspotbythedoor.
"Isabellaislookingratherthirsty,"Janesayssuddenly.AroandCaiusnodtheirheadsinagreement.Ican'tbringmyselftolookatBellawhileweallwalktogethertothegreatroomwithAro,Caius,andJanetrailingbehind.Icantellthatsheislookingatme,though.ButIdon'twanttolook.Iamafraidtofindsadnessanddisappointmentinhereyes.Iamafraidtofindhatredanddisgust.Iamafraid.
Thereisalargegroupofhumansmillingabout,runningtheirfingersalongthewallslikeobnoxioustourists.Theypointoutdetailsoftheroomtoeachother,utterlyoblivioustotheirtruesurroundings.IcanhearBellawhimperquietlybesideme.Sheisthirsty.
"Patience,sweetgirl,"Arocoos,andIwonderwhyheisbeingsoincrediblynicetoher.Heisusuallyimpatientandannoyedwithnewborns,atbest.Neverdoeshegivethempetnames,norpaythemanyattention.ArosmilesatmelikeheknowsexactlywhatI'mthinking,thenmovestostandbetweenBellaandme.Belladoesn'tnotice
this—sheisfocusedonthesightinfrontofus.Thehumansareherdedtogether.TheentireGuardispresentnow.Theyareabouttostart.
IholdmyselftothefarwallasIwatchthemdescend.ArostaysclosetoBellatheentiretime,watchingherwiththeeyesofapredatorassheblindlykillshumanafterhuman.Sheisindiscriminateandsloppy.Bythetimetheslaughteriscompletedherclothesandrobearedrenchedinblood.Shedoesn'tnoticeuntilafewminutesafterthecommotionhasstopped,herbodyvisiblycomingdownfromthehigh.Shelooksaround,bewildered.Arocomesupbesideherandplacesacongratulatoryhandonhershoulder.Shesmilesslightlyunderhispraisebuthereyesaresearching,searching.
Ican'twatchitanymore.
SoIleave.
ItakeabackroutethatBelladoesn'tknowabout.Idon'tsaygoodbyetoher.Idon'tsayanythingtoanyone.Thehumansecretarybidsmeagoodafternoonasaleave.Ihardlynoticeit.Ionlypickuponobviousthings—thesmalldetailsarelostonme,orsimplyregisteredinaplaceInolongerhaveaccesstoo.Inoticethatitisverybrightoutside.Theskybeatsdownonthestonelikeapoundingdrum.Thehumansarewearingsunglassesorshadingtheireyes.Carsreflectwaywardstrandsoflightastheyzipthroughthestreet,destroyingshadowsandsplashingthroughleftoverpuddlesofwaterfromtherainthenightprior.
Imakemywaythroughshopaftershop.Idon'tknowhowmuchtimeIhavebeforemyflight.Ifindithardtocare.Istealacar,thoughitisn'tveryfast.Theseatsareleather,butworndownandfrayedbeneathmyhands.ThesteeringwheelstickswhenIturntoofartotheright.Isomehowmakeittotheairport,thewaymemorizedfromotheroccasions.Thesunhassetnow.Thestarsarehiddenbythelightsofthecity,amurkycovertoaformerlybrilliantnightskythatIhavememoriesof.IusedtobeabletoseeeverystarfromjustoutsideVolterra'sentrance.IspentmanynightscataloguingconstellationswithCarlisle.Wewerebonding.
Ican'tseeanyofthemanymore.
Myflighttakesoffandit'sclaustrophobic.
Ican'tfeelanything.
Idon'tfeelitwhenthehumanbesidemefallsasleep,hisbreathrushingovermychest.Idon'tfeelitwhenhethrowshispudgyarmoverthearmrestandlandsonmine.Idon'tfeelitwhentheattendantbrushesherchestagainstmyshoulderwhen
askingifIwouldlikeadrinkorpeanuts.Idon'tfeelangryorannoyedwhenachildwon'tstopcrying.Idon'tfeelupsetwhenItalyfallsinvisibleoutsideofthewindow.Idon'tfeelhatredwhenIthinkoftherestoftheGuard.Idon'tfeelwelcomedwhenIthinkofCarlislewaitingattheotherendofthisflight.Idon'tfeelhappinessorhatredorrelieforsorrow.
Idon'tfeel.
Carlisleisstandingbeneathaflorescentlight.Heisalone,andforthatIammarginallygrateful.
Thisisnotahomecoming;thisisapurgatory.
Hethrowshisarmovermyshoulder.Itisn'tcomfortable.Heisactinglikemyfatherwhenheisn'tmyfather.Idon'thaveafatheranymore.
Ididn'tbringanyluggagewithme.Idon'treallyownanything.Wewalktogethertohiscar,waitingintheparkinglotoftheairport.Itissleek,fast,andblack,butIdon'tfindmyselfadmiringit.Instead,Isimplythrowmyselfintothepassenger'sseatandwait.ThedrivetoIthacaislongandsilentasdeath.Carlisledoesn'ttrytotalk.Idon'ttrytotalk.AftermanyhoursontheroadwepulluptoahousethatIhaveseenmanytimesinCarlisle'sthoughts.Ithasobviouslybeenrenovated,though.Esmeistheonlyonethatwaitsinthedriveway,thoughIcanheartheanticipatorythoughtsoftherestofthecoveninsideofthehouse.
Ihaveneverbeenaroundsomanyhumansandsolittlevampires.
Thehouseissurroundedbywoods,butthecityofIthacaisteemingwithhumanactivityandlife.Aswestepoutofthecarthegarbageisbeingpickedupbythegarbageman.Icantellheworriesaboutthisparticularstop,andheisthinkingaboutbeinguncomfortableseeingusoutside.Hehasneverseentheresidentsbefore,butsomethingabouttheauraofthehousemakeshimfeeluneasy.Hedoeshisworkefficientlyandeagerlymovesontothenexthouse,leavingmealonewithsixvampires.WhydoIfeellikethehumaninthisscenario?
Esmewalksuptomeandhesitates.
"Howareyoufeeling?"sheasks.
Iwanttoanswer,"Ifeellikethat'sastupidquestion."But,Idon't.
Instead,Isay,"Fine."
Shenods—disbelieving—andpullsmeintoanawkwardhug.Idon'tevenknowthiswoman.ImanagetoextricatemyselfandlooktoCarlisle.
"We'veclearedaroomforyouuponthethirdfloor.It'sthefarthestroomdown.Itoverlooksagorge,"hesays.
"Thankyou,"Ireply,andamabouttoremovemyselffromtheirpresencewhenEsmespeaksagain.
"Weweren'tcompletelysurewhatyoulikedbutCarlislegaveussomeideas.ThereareafewbooksandCDs,andalaptopifyouwanttouseit.Ifyouneedanythingelsefeelfreetouseoneofthecars.Oryoucansimplyask;wemayalreadyhavewhatyouneed."Sheiswringingherhandsinfrontofherchest.IammakinghernervousandIcan'tevenbringmyselftocare.
"Thankyou,"Isayagain,thistimewithaslightedgeinmytone.Carlislenoticesandglareshisdisapproval.Idon'tmindmuch.I'msureIdeserveit.
Iscootpastthemandinsidethehouse.Itiswideandspacious.Itdoesn'tlooklivedin.Everythingisinpristinecondition.Tomymildamusement,Ispyabowloffruitsittingonthecounterinthekitchen.Itisn'tevenmolding.Ipickuponeoftheapplesandthrowitupanddown,pocketingitandtakingituptothethirdfloor.Iheartheothermembersofthehousedebatingastowhethertoleavetheirroomsandgreetme.Iamthankfulwhentheychoosenotto.
Ifindtheroomdesignatedforme.Itissparselydecorated—onlyacouchinthecornerandabookshelfcontainingthethingsEsmealreadyexplained.Ipulltheappleoutofmypocketandstareatitblankly.Itisshiny,almosttothepointwhereitlookspolished.Imarvelatthatfact,spinningitaroundinmyhands.Icanalmostseemyreflection.
Ispendthreeweeksinthebedroom.Demetritaughtmeatrickonce.AllIhavetodoismakemymindextremelyblank,anditislikesleeping.Istareatonespotontheceilingandkeepmybreathingsteady,onlyfocusingonthesteadyfluctuationofairinmylungs.Atfirst,theothermembersofthecoventhinkaboutmeallofthetime.Itisnearimpossibletogetthemoutofmyhead.But,overtime,theybegintothinkaboutmelessandless.Theydon'tcarethatIamhidingaway,takingoneoftheirroomsandneverleavingtoseethedaylight.
ThefirstthreeweeksendandIdecidetonolongertrytofeelanythingotherthannumb.Iopentheblindstothebedroomforthefirsttimeaswell.Esmewasright;Icanseeoneofthegorges.Ipressmyforeheadagainsttheglass.It'schilledwithwinterair.Inoticethatafinelayerofsnowhascoatedthegroundandthebranches
ofthelargetrees.Theskyisacloudygray.Itlooksasthoughitwillsnowagainsoon.
Idebatewithmyselfbeforeleavingtheroom.I'mnotsureIwanttoconversewiththerestofthecoven,butIsupposethatI'llhavetodealwithitatsomepoint.WhenIwalkdownthestairsthefamilymaskstheirsurprise.Theireyesdarttowardmeandthenaway,quicklikeIamsomethinghorribletolookat.MaybeIam.Twooftheboys,JasperandEmmett,sitonacouchplayingvideogames.Alicesitsbetweenthem,herfacecarefullycalm.Theformerruckusofthevideogamebattleisswallowedbymypresence.Thereisanemptyseatnexttothem—alonechair.Iwalkovertoitandsitdown.
Thetensionintheroomisthick.Theyareshootingateachotheronthescreen,butitissomehowhalf-hearted.
"Whatgameareyouplaying?"Iasktentatively.
"Halo,"Emmettanswers,hismusclesflexingashefuriouslypunchesthekeys.Jasper'seyescontinuallylooktomyfaceandaway.Eventually,theybothignoremypresence.Alicesmilesatinygrin,andIlosemyselfforacouplemorehours.
Thedaysruntogetherthatway.IhavenocontactwiththeGuard.Thereareperiodsthat,ifIhadahumanmemory,wouldn'thaverealizedexisted.Iliveinarelativefog,onlyansweringwhenspokento.Igoonhuntingtripswiththefamily.SeeingAlice'svisionsinmymindisaprettypeculiarexperience.Itisasthoughhergiftisnowmine,thoughthefutureisalwayschanging.IaskAlicenottowatchtheGuard'sfuture.HervisionsalmostalwaysincludeBella,andIdon'twanttofeelthat.Ijustdon'twanttofeel.Carlisleincreaseshiscamaraderiewithme,thoughIamobviouslyreluctant.Surprisingly,thepersonIbondclosestwithisEsme.Shereintroducesmetothepiano—somethingIhaven'tusedsinceIwasahuman.Itisherfavoriteinstrument,andIagreetoteachherhowtoplaysimplethings.
Wedothismoreandmore,untiltherestofthecovenknowsnottodisturbuswhenweareatthepiano.IseeCarlislewatchingsometimes,smiling.Heimaginesmelivingwiththempermanently,carryingonthislifewiththemintoeternity.Ideally,thatwouldbetheplan.ButIknowIwon'tbeabletostayhere.NotwithallofthethingsIamhidingfrom.NotwithallofthethingsIamavoiding.
Ittakeselevenmonthsformetofinallybreakdown.Rosalieiswatchingsomemovieonthetelevision.I'mstaringatitbutnotpayingattention.Iaminmyusualstateofnumbness.EsmewalksoverandasksifIcangiveheranotherlessononthepiano.Iagreetodoitwithlittlereluctance.
Weplayafewnotes.Shesmilesandlaughslikesheusuallydoes.Ileanforward,placingherhandsonthekeysandinhale,onlytorealizeshesmellsdifferent.Iinhaleagainandshegivesmeastrangelook.
"Iseverythingokay?"sheasks.Sheevenrunsherfingersthroughherhair,self-conscious.
"Yes,"Isay,butit'salie.Mymindisattemptingtodenythefact,butshesmellsexactlylikeBella.Weplayforafewmoreminutesbuteverysinglebreathisremindingmeofher.Iinhaleagainandclosemyeyes.Itisn'taspungentorasstrong,butthesimilarityisuncanny.
"Whydon'twetakeabreak?"Esmeasks.IrealizethenthatIhavestoppedplaying.
"Wait."Idon'twanthertoleavejustyet.Notwhenallofthesememoriesareflowingthroughme,ignitingmyskinandmakingmefeel.IfIclosemyeyesjustforaseconditislikeBellaisrightnexttome.Itmakesmehurt,andIhateitbutIloveit.Esmemovesclosertome,thoughIpretendit'sBella.Thesmellisstrongerandmoreconcentrated.Myeyesareclenchedshut,keepingtheemotioninandkeepingtheemotionout.Ihaveneverfeltthiswaybefore.Notevenonce.Idon'tthinkIdeserveit.Wesitlikethisforages,thoughI'mnotreallythere.EverydayafterthatEsmewearsthesameperfume.Istayclosertoherthananyoneelse—evenCarlisle—thoughIamcompletelysureheunderstandswhy.
Theflightisbookedforthe365thdayofmystayinIthaca.CarlisleandIhuntthemorningoftheflight.Wecatchmuchmoregamethanweshouldforonlythetwoofus.Hetakesmetotheairportandseesmeoff.IholdtheVolturirobes-foreignwithdisuse-underneathmyarm.Wehugandhetellsmetovisit,andItrytoimaginethatanotheryearofhisexistencewasn'tspentwithmyburden.
Iamitchingwithanticipationbythetimetheplaneleavestheground.Thankfully,nooneisbymysidetobotherme.Thereisstillanover-eagerflightattendant,thoughshetakesthehintthatIamcompletelyignoringher—andthat,no,Idonotwantanymorepeanuts—afterabit.Thankfully,it'sthedeadofnightwhenwelandinItaly.Idon'thavetospendtimelurkingintheshadows.IstealthefirstfastcarIcanfindanddriveitfromtheairporttoVolterra.Itisaconvertible.Iputdownthetopandsmile.
ThedescentunderneathVolterraisawfullynostalgic.Thesamehumanreceptionistsitsinthesamespotbythedoor.Sheisstillattentive,thoughsheshouldprobablybesleepingatthistime.IcantellmyarrivalwasexpectedbythewayArohoversjustinsidethedoorofthegreatroom.HesmilesbrightlyandgraspsmyhandwhenIget
closeenough.
"Fantastictoseeyouhadagoodtime,"Arosmiles,thoughitisquiteobviousthroughmymemoriesthatIdidnot.Inoticethatoneofhisfrontteethslightlyoverlapstheother."IknewsendingyoutovisitCarlislewouldbetherightthingtodo."Hespeaksasthoughhedidmeafavor.
Ismileaspolitelyaspossibleandmakemyrequest.Iwouldtrytoactindifferent,butafterseeingmythoughtsAroknowsmyfeelingsforBellaasclearlyasiftheyarehisown.
"CanIseeBellanow?"ItpainsmethatIhavetoaskpermission,thoughIdecidequicklythatitwouldbeinmybestinterestnottogetonAro'sbadsideatthisparticularmomentintime.
"Oh,ofcourse!"hesmiles,clappinghishandstogether."Ibelievesheiswaitingforyouinyourroom,actually.Atleast,thatiswhatshetoldmeearlier.Sheislookingforwardtoyourarrival."
"Great,"Igrin.Arolooksmomentarilysurprisedbymydisplayofemotion,buthequicklymasksit.Ibrushpasthimanddownthehall,myfeetmovingfartooquicklyforcasualwalking.Iopenthedoortomyroomtofindherperchedontheedgeofthecouch.Hereyesarestillabloodyred,andhernow-paleskinisdrapedbythetailoredblackrobes.
Shesmilesatme,butsomethingiswrong.Somethingisoff.
Herhairisbrushedbackoffofherfaceinlongwaves.IwanttotouchitlikeIoncehad.Imoveclosertoherandshestands.Herfeatures—perfectintheirsymmetry—areutterlyblankastheywatchmymovements.
"Imissedyou,"Iconfessunexpectedly.Shesmilesabitbutdoesn'treturnthesentiment.
"IheardyouwerewithyourfriendCarlisleinIthaca,"shesaysquietlyinresponse.Itrytoignorethefactthatshedidn'tsaythatshemissedmetoo.
"Yes,"Irespond,thoughIwanttoquitthissmalltalk.Iwantustobewherewewere.Butwherewerewe,really?
"Thatsoundsnice,Edward."Iwishshewouldn'tsaymynamelikethat.Likesheissayinggoodbyewitheverygoddamnwordshesays.Shesighsabitandgoesbacktositonthecouch.Shepatsthespotnexttoher,tellingmetositbesideher."Ihave
somethingIhavetotellyou,"shesays,staringatherhands.
ButIcan'tholditinanylonger.Ijustcan't.
"Bella,Iloveyou."Ispititoutlikethewordsaretoxic.Ifeelwinded,naked,breathless.Sheissilent.ThisisnotwhatIwanted.Whateverisinmychestaches.
"I'msorry,Edward,"shesighs.Nowitburns.
"ButIdon'tloveyou,"shefinishes.Andthenitdies.
mary,carryyourbabebounduptightlikelipsaroundawhimperyourfingersovermyfaceblindeyedSamsondriventothetempleandnightbirdsdiggin''tildawnfreedomhangslikeheavenovereveryoneain'tnobodyknowswhatthenewbornholdsbuthismamasayshe'llwalkonwaterandwanderbackhomemary,carryyourshamewellpastallthoseeyesacrosstheavenuefishheadsrunningfromrainyouknowi'lldoanythingyouwantmetolampoilloversmaysay"freedomhangslikeheavenovereveryone"ain'tnobodyknowswhatthenewbornholdsbuthispapa'sgoingtohideshakinggristleandshakinglikebonemary,carrymynamehoofmarkshackedupallihadtoofferyoulookedalloverthisplacelostyourportraitlatelywhenthewinterblewinlikeherodandthemfreedomhangslikeheavenovereveryoneain'tnobodyknowswhatthenewbornholdsbutadollarsayshe'lllickthatdevilanddoitalone
#
Firstitalics:"FreedomHangslikeHeaven"byIronandWine.Youcanlistento
itonmytumblr:causeineedyoursway(dot)tumblr(dot)com.Youmighthavetoscrolldownabittogettoit(dependingonwhenyoureadthisandhowmuchofatumblrwhoreI'mbeing),butit'sthere.It'sthemusicvideo.(Oryoucanlistentoitonyoutube.)
ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sAMidsummerNight'sDream.(Butitdoesn'treallymatterbecauseeveryoneusesthequoteanddoesn'tknowwhatit'sfrom,anyway.)
Onlyonemorechapterleft.Oh,snap!
Iappreciateeverysinglereview.(:
isalsogreat,andwouldsuffice
Playingwithwordsandthoughts,Ifeelempty.Mymindtricklesoverthispaperlikeleaveslostinaforgottensewer.Interrupted.Iwanttostepoutoftheshadowsandcaressyourpalecheekwithmyhand,butIcan't.Iwanttofeelthewayyoufeelunderneathme,writhingandachingandsaying,"Iloveyoumorethananything;Iloveyoumorethanthisworld;Iloveyoumorethanthislife."ButIcan't.Mybrain,myheart,mysong.Itwantsyou.Itwantseverythingyouhave.ItwantseverythingthatIknowIneed,butcan'thave.
Iripoutpageafterpage.Thisstupid,aching,self-indulgingshit.Iamforgotten,Iamnothing.Ithinkofthefutureonlytorealizethereisnone.ThereisnothingbutthisstupidfeelinginmychestthatIthoughtyoucouldcure,butyoucan't.Itripsinsidemelikeatidalwave,pushingagainstmyinsideswithirresistibleforce.Youledmetoyoulikesomesickfire.Somesickfirethatintriguedme,thatmademewanttocomeevercloser.Ishould'veknownyouwereonlydanger.Ishould'veknownIwasjustkiddingmyself.ButIdidn't.Iwantedyou.Iwantedtotouchyou.
restlessabomination
disgustingincantation
feelingarevelation
wastedonyourconcentration
fightingwithyourindignation
sufferinginexultation
flyingwithnodestination
trappedinsidemyfrustration
Ifeelitinsideofme.Ifonlyyoucouldfeelitinsideofyou,too.Thenwecouldbeperfect.Wecouldbelikeangels.Wecouldbefantastic.Butyouruinedit.Iruinedit.Ifell.Ifeel.Ifall.Thereisnothingleftformehere.Iknowthat,evenbeingmelodramatic.Iwatchasyouwalkawayjustasthesunsets,leavingnothingbutdarknessinanightwithnostars.Thispoeticlanguageiscrap.Itisallcrap.Ijustwantandwantandwant.Iwantyoutoreturntome.IwantthingsthatIcannotchange.
Fightme
Breakme
Moveme
Takeme
Wantme
Touchme
Feelme
Loveme
Cryforme
Dieforme
Prayforme
Saveme
Needme
LikeIneedyou.There'saroaringinmyearsthatIcan'tstopnow.Icouldn'tstopitifIwantedto.Icouldn'tstopthisemotion.Icouldn'tsavemyselfjustlikeIcouldn'tsaveyou.You'relosttomenow.You'redeadtomenow.You'redeadtoeveryonenow.
ButIstillloveyou.
JustlikethefuckingsinthatIam.
Askformetomorrow,and
youshallfindmeagraveman,
EdwardMasen
#
Iputdownthenotebook.Itcloseswithasnap.Overacenturyofwritingsandtheonlyentriesthatmatterarethefinaleight.Howworthlessmyexistencehasbeen.Howinconsequential.Ihavemadefarlessimpactthanhumanswhohavelivedbuta
fourthofmytime.Infact,Ihavenotmadeanyimpactatall.
Bellaleftagesago.Isitpossibleforaheartthatdoesnotbeattohurt?Ifsomeonetoldme'no',Iwouldhavetobegtodiffer.Iamrestless.Iamconsumed.Myentirebodyachesforher.Howissuchstrongemotionevenapossibility?Howisitthathumansareabletocontainit?Toembraceit?Idon'tunderstandit.Ican'tcomprehendit.Maybeyearsofexistencedoesnothingtoprepareforsituationssuchasthese.Maybe,nomatterhowlongIlove,itwon'thurtanyless.
Mymusclesseemtobefrozenintheirpositions.MycouchstillsmellsabitlikeBella.HumanBella.Ayearlater,thepotencyremains.Myattractionispainfullyundeniable.Ipickupthejournalrestingonmylegs.Ihaveaveryvaguememoryofreceivingitfrommyfather,EdwardSenior.OntheveryfirstpageEdwardAnthonyMaseniswritteninscriptlettering,followedbythedate,February16,1917.Asmallnote—frommymother,Iassume—iswritteninthelowerlefthandcornerinhastyscrawl.Itreads,"Tomyson,forhimtoforevercataloguethewondersoflifetosharewithgenerationstocome."
Whatariot.
Islidethejournalbeneaththecouchandstand.Mymindisdeadsetintheactionthatitwantstotake.Suddenly,IunderstandDemetri'ssentimentwithperfectclarity.Iamtired.Thereisnothingleftformehere.Iamnotsureanyonewillevennoticemyabsence.MaybeCarlisle,eventually.Hemightevenmournforacertainamountoftime.Mournhisblatantfailedendeavorincreatingme.But,eventually,hewillmoveon.Everyonewillmoveon.Iwillbenothingmorethanabriefmemory—orabriefblip—intheirendlessexistences.
Thatthoughtcomfortsmeinaperversesortofway.ImakesurethateverythinginmyroomisputawaybeforeIleaveit.IamnotentirelysurewhyIamdoingthis,butIrealizethatsomewhere,deepdown,Iamstalling.
MaybeIdon'twanttodie.
Ipushthethoughtasideandleavetheroomwithonlyonequicklastglance.Icheckmywatch—11:45.Onlyfifteenmoreminutesuntilnoon.Perfect.TheGreatRoomisalmostentirelyempty,saveforthetwopeopleIwanttoseetheleast.Ofcourse,AroandBellaarespeakingquietlyinthecorneroftheroom.ItlooksalmostasthoughAroisconsolingBella.Sheiswhisperingquickly,almostfrantically,andAro'shandrestsonhershoulder.HeislisteningtoherwithalookofsympathyIhaveneverseenonhisfacebefore.Notinmyentireexistence.
ImakeasmallnoiseasIwalkthroughthehall.Itisenoughtoalertthembothofmy
presence,andIwatchastheireyessnaptomyface.IseemyexpressionmirroredinAro'smind:desolateanddestroyed,yetdetermined.Serene.IwatchBella'sfaceasIwalk.Afterall,she'sallIsee.Iamstillmovingslowerthanusual.Iamstillstalling.IwatchherfacecontortasshetriestodeducewhereI'mheaded.Herlipspartandherbrowfurrows.Sheisstillperfect.
IhearAromurmur,"Justuseyourpowerifyouwanttokeephimhere."ThelastthingIseebeforeIexitthehallishershakingherhead,'no.'Ofcourse.Whywouldshewantmetostaywithher,anyway?Shedoesn'tloveme.
ThatthoughtpropelsmeoutthedoorandintothemiddleofVolterra'sannualfestival.Thesunisthick,ifsomethinglikethatispossible.Itisthickwiththesweatofeveryhuman,packedtogetherlikeatinfullofrubysardines.Theycheer,whoop,hollerastheprocessionrollspast.Iwatchinrelativeapathy.Thisalleywayiscloakedinshadows.ClosesttomestandsaquaintItalianfamily.Theyoungestdaughternoticesmestanding,staring.Sheturnstowardmewiththecuriosityoftheyoung,tuggingonthebrightredrobesofhermother.
Thefirstbelltolls.
Ismile.Theyounggirlisalertedtosomesortofdangerpresent.Herexpressionisnowoneofinnocentworry.
Thesecondbelltolls.
Shetugsharderonhermother'srobes.Buthermother,blissfullyignorant,continuestowatchtheexcitingprocession.
Three,four,fivetolls.
Itakeoffmyblackrobes.TheydroptothestonefloorofthealleyandIfeelinfinitelylighter.Theyounggirlisreallystaringnow.Ismellherfear.Ifocusonitandblockeverythingelseout.
Therehavebeeneleventollsnow.
Ibeginmovingforward,theedgesofmyshoesdancinginthesunlight.Mybodyimpersonateswhattherushofadrenalineshouldbelike.Ifeelhigh.Ifeelfree.
Thelasttollringsoutoverthecrowd.
Itakeadeepbreathandstepforward,surroundedbysunlight.It'swarm.It'sprobablywarmerthanI'veeverfelt,saveforhumanBella.Iforcemyselffromthe
dangeroustrainofthoughtandstepfurtherintothesun.Thisfeelsgood.Ihopethisisthelastfeelinginmyexistence.Ialmostfeelwhole.
"Momma,"criestheyounggirlinItalian.SheseesmeasthefreakthatIam.Afterhermother'sgaspofaresponse,Iknowitwon'tbelong.Ifindmyselfwonderingifitwillhurtwhentheykillmeforbreakingtherules.Idon'tfearit,though.Idon'tfearitbecauseIknowthatitisameanstoanend.Morepeoplearestaringnow.IcansenseitthoughIstillhaven'topenedmyeyes.Theirthoughtsareloud,intrusive.TheywonderifI'mdangerous.TheywonderifIammerelyaspectacleoftheshow.
Idon'thavetimetoheartherest,formyforearmsaregraspedbycoldhandsandpulledbehindmyback,followedbyadeepblackcloakthrownovermybody.Briefly,Iwonderiftheyaregoingtokillmenow.DoIevendeserveatrialwhenIhavebrokentherulessoobviously?
IambeingledbackunderneathVolterrabytwoguardsIdon'tbothertorecognize.IcouldprobablyescapethemifItrulywantedto,butIcan'tsummontheefforttotry.Afterall,thisiswhatIwant,evenifitwilltakelongerthanwhatisideal.Ikeepmyeyesonthestoneflooraswewalk.Noneedtofacecurious,unwantedstares.
Pressureonmyshoulderforcesmedowntomyknees,followedbyanarmkeepingmyheadbowed.IhearAro,Marcus,Caiusandoneotherwalkintotheroom.Theprivacyofthesetrialsisafallacy—IcanheartherestoftheGuardlisteningjustoutsidethedoor.Afterall,itisonceinabluemoonthatamemberoftheGuardhascommittedacrimeandisontrialforit.Ismilehumorlesslytomyself.Ihavemadequitethescene.Caiusischucklingquietlytohimself,andAroheavesasighofannoyance.
"Lethimup,"Aromumblesalmostreluctantly.Thetwovampiresreleasemyneckandarms,onlytograbontomyshouldersandpullmeintoastandingposition.Ilookuptofindthefourth,previouslyunknownvampiretobeBella.Shedoesn'tevenmeetmyeye.
"Whydidyouhavetounleashyourselfinthemiddleofmyparty?"Marcusasks,referringtotheSt.MarcusDayfestivalthehumansarecurrentlycelebrating.HishurttonewouldbemildlyamusingifIwasn'tsoimpatienttojustgetthisoverwith.
Aroisn'tasdepressed.No,Aroisangry.
"Youstupidboy,"hesnaps."Youhadsomuchpromise.Somuch.Andwhatdoyoudo?Youpullastunt.Youwasteit.Isthishowungratefulyouaretohavesuchanoutstandingtalent?"AttheendofAro'stiradesIalwaysfindthestemofhisjealousy.
Insteadoffightinghisludicrousreasoning,Isimplymutter,"Yes."
"Andnowyouwanttodieforthis?Youareawarethatisthepunishmentforyouractions,ofcourse,"Caiusspeaks,amused.
"Yes,"Irespondagain,completelymonotone.Bellaflinches.Caius'smirkdropsslightly.Hedoesn'tlikeitthatIamgoingdownwithoutafight.Arosighsagain,pincheshisnose.MarcusstilllookshurtthatIinterruptedhispreciousfestival.
"Edward,comehere,"Arorequests,holdingouthishandlazily.IstepforwardslowlyandwatchasArograspsmyhand.Thelast48hoursplayoutlikeadreambehindmyeyelids.WhenitisfinishedAro'sbrowisfurrowed.HethrowsonefleetingglanceinBella'sdirectionbeforespeaking."Well,itdoesn'tseemasthoughyou'veleftanyroomforsalvation,Edward.Verywell."
Hewavesahand,gesturingformetoreturntomyformerposition.Ikneeldownandclosemyeyes,wonderingwhichGuardmemberisgoingtobeluckyenoughtoripmeapart.ThereisalongmomentofsilencebeforeArospeaksagain.
"Well,Bella,dear.Goahead,then."
BellaandIbothlookupatthesametime.Oureyesmeet.IfshetouchesmeI'llchangemymind.Iknowitforafact.I'mnotstrongenough.
"Someoneelse,"Irequestdesperately.Caiuslaughslongandhard.
"Beggarscan'tbechoosers,Edward,"Aroscolds.
"Ican'thavehertouchme,"Isayquietly,thougheveryonecanhear.BellalooksupsetandArolookspositivelyamused.
"HaveyounotheardofBella'spoweryet?"Aroasks,feigningshock."Shecanmakeyoudowhatevershewants—killyourself,even—withouteventouchingyou."Hislipscurlintoasmile.
"Butonlyonepersonatatime,"Caiusinterjects,notonetobeusurped."Quiteashame,really."Aronodsinresponse,seemingtoagreethatBella'slackofcompletepowerisashame.
MyeyesflashbetweenAroandBella,disbelieving.
"Don'tbelieveme?"Aroaskswithexcitement,eagertodemonstrate."Bella,whydon'tyoutryitoutonMarcus?"
"Hey–"Marcusbeginstoprotest,butiscutoffbyAro'sthreateningglare.Hegrumblestohimselfandshiftsaroundinhisseat.IwatchwithanticipationasbothBellaandMarcus'seyesgoglassy,almostasthoughtheyarecoveredwithathinsheenofsmoke.AroclapsinamusementwhenMarcusstandsinajolting,stuntedfashion.Hespinsaroundawkwardlyandthensitsbackdown.Shortlythereaftertheireyesreturntoanormal,bloodyred.
"Mylittlepuppeteer!"Aroexclaims."Don'tyouunderstand,Edward?ShecouldseeoutofMarcus'seyes.Shecouldcontrolhiseverymovement.Marcushadabsolutelynocontrolinthematter!"Bellastillstandsmotionlessandmute.Ilookathereyesandshewidensthemasiftocommunicatewithme.IonlyhavetimetotiltmyheadtothesideinquestionbeforeCaiuscapturesmywaningattention.
"Let'sgetonwithit,then!"hecallsout."Iamthoroughlybored."
"Yes,yes,ofcourse,"Aroreplies,calmingdowntoamoresolemndemeanor."Goahead,Bella.Thelawshallproceed."
Bellamaynotbemyjudgeorjury,butsheiscertainlymyexecutioner.
Iclosemyeyesandanticipatetheblow.
Itdoesn'tcome.Instead,forthefirsttimesincesheleftmyroomearlier,Ihearherspeak.
"PerhapsIcoulddoitinprivate,"sherequestssoftly,slowly.MyeyesopenagainandsheisstandingnexttoAro.Tooclose,playingwithhisemotions.Hishandrestsonherouterthigh.Mymusclestenseup.Sheleansinfurther,closer."Youknow,tosaygoodbye.Afterall,heistheonewhochangedme.MaybeIwantalittlepayback.Withus,it'spersonal.Youunderstand...."Shecontinuestotalk,tocoerce,untilAronodshisapproval.
"Isuppose,thoughCaiuswillnotbehappy,"Arosighs,andCaiusharrumphsinagreement.Idon'tknowwhyshe'sdoingthistome.It'smakingmeinsane.Doesshetrulywanttoprolongthis?IsupposeIcan'tblameher,afterallofthepainI'vecaused.Ifitwasn'tformeshewouldn'tbehereinthefirstplace,afterall.
IsuddenlyrememberthatInevereventoldCarlislegoodbye.
ThethoughthitsmelikeatonofbricksasIstandandslowlyfollowBellafromtheroom.Marcuslooksrelievedthatwe'refinallyoutofhishair,butIfeelthedisappointmentemanatingfromCaiusandthegroupofvampireshuddledjustoutsideofthedoor.Itiscurious,howlivinganeternitymakesonelongforviolence.
It'sadesensitizationthatoccursovertime,Isuppose.It'ssafetosaythatthetwenty-firstcenturyhasbeenaboringonefortheVolturi,ifthisistheirmostexcitingactivity.BellaleadsmedownsomehallwaysthatIknowbyheart.Itlooksasthoughsheknowsthemnow,too.
Itisstrange,beingledaroundbythepersonIhadtoprotectforwhatfeltlikeages.Belladoesn'tgiveanythingaway,though.Shedoesn'teventurnarounduntilwereachtheendofthehallway.IrecognizeittobeCarlisle'soldstudy.ItmustbeBella'snow,forotherobjectslinethewallsthataredistinctlyforeigntome.Shesitsdowninalargechairinthefarcorneroftheroom,onlytostandupjustmomentslater.Iwatchhersilently,keepingclosetothedoorasifIweregoingtorun.AsifIevencouldrun.
Suddenly,shepullssomethingoutfrombeneathherrobesandthrowsitatme.ItcollideswithmychestbutIkeepitfromfalling.Irecognizeitimmediatelytobemyjournal.Shestaresatme.
"You'resostupid!"shesuddenlycriesout,turningawayfromme.Isincerelyhopethatnooneiscloseenoughtohearusspeaking,foritisexactlytheoppositeofwhatwearesupposedtobedoing."That'syourjournal,isn'tit?"
Ionlynod.Afterall,mynameiswrittenonthefirstpage.
"Who'sitabout?Whoareyouwritingtointheselastfew?"
"Idon'tknowwhatyoumean,"Ireply,lyingblatantly.
"Youaddresseveryentrytosomeone.Ithastobetosomeone,"shesnapsback.Sheseemsangrybutthere'salsosomethingelse.
"Maybeit'stoeveryone–"Ibeing,butshecutsmeoff.
"Don'tgivemethat,Edward.Justtellmethetruth."ShecantellstraightawaythatI'mlying.Ipauseforafewmoments,clenchingandunclenchingmyfists.Isupposeit'snowornever,anyway.Itwon'tmakeadifferencewhetherItellherornot.
"It'stoyou."
"Andyouwerenevergoingtogiveittome?"She'sstillangry.
"No."
"Whynot?"Stillangry.
"Becauseitwasprivate,ifyoucouldn'ttell."Iholditclosetomychestlikeasmallchild."Iguessthatdidn'tstopyou,though."Thepagesareruffled.Shereadit.Ican'ttellwhethertobemortifiedorrelieved.
"Youcan'thavesomethingbeprivateandwrittentome,"shesnaps.Inoticeshe'scomemuchclosertomeintheselastfewminutes."And,yes,you'reright.Itdidn'tstopme.Ireadit."
AndthenIexpecttobedeadbutshe'sactuallykissingme.Herarmsarearoundmyneck,andit'ssortofstrangebecauseshe'snolongerwarmorsoft.IfreezeupforamomentuntilshepullsmecloserandIcanfeeleverysinglelineofherbodybeneathherrobes.Ikissherhardthen,becauseIdon'thaveanythingleftandIneverhadanythingleft.Ithasalwaysbeenhers.
"Iloveyou,"shegasps,andit'sasthougheverypartofmeisfilled."You'resostupid,butIloveyou."
"Idon'tdeserveit,"Imutter.
"Iknow,"sheagrees.Andthat'sthat.
That'sallthatmatters.
IfeeleverypartofherthatIcanholdonto,andshe'sdoingthesametome.Thejournalfallsbetweenus,completelyforgotten.Herlegsarewrappedaroundmymiddleandweareheadingtowardtheonlychairintheroomwhenaknocksoundsatthedoor.
Allmovementceasesandwestareateachother,waiting.We'rebothpantingslightly.Bella'shairfallsaboutherfaceinthisridiculouslybeautifulsortofway,andI'mdistractedfromwhoeverisbehindthedoorwiththeneedtotouchit.
Thereisanother,louderknock.
Edwardyoubetterletmeinthatdoorrightthissecond.
IimmediatelyrecognizethetenorofthethoughtstobeDemetri.Belladropstothefloorandmovesclosertothedoor,stilltentative.
"It'sokay.It'sDemetri,"Isayquietly,thensteparoundherandopenthedoor.Demetrislipsinsideandthedoorsnapsshutwithaquickclick.
"Whyareyoustillhere?"Iask."Ithought..."
"I'mstillhereforyou,Edward.IwascontactedbyAlice...friendofCarlisle's,apparently.Anyway,shesaidthisistheonlywayyoutwowouldlive.SohereIam."
"Youcouldn'thavetoldmethisbeforehand?"Ialmostgrowl.
"No,Icouldn't.Shesaidthatyouwouldn'tmakethesamedecisions.Edward,justshutupandtrustme,okay?Wehavetoworkquickly."
Ionlynod.Bellalooksbothworriedandbewildered.ImaskmyfearandfocusonwhatDemetrisays.Theonlywayyoutwowouldlive.
"Listen.Wetakeyououtthebackway,fakeabitofafight.Whenwegetenoughattention,IletyouthroughandrunbacktoAro.IconvincehimtoletyourunbecauseIwillbeabletotrackyoudowneasily,andthenitwillbeapunishableoffenseforrunningawayfromtheGuard.Soundgood?"Demetriistalkingquickly.Hecheckshiswatchandfrowns."Comequickly,we'rerunningoutoftime."
WechaseDemetridownthehallandouttooneofthemoreobscureexits.WestandinsilenceforamomentbeforeDemetrisignals.Weimmediatelybegintofight.IamthrownoverBellabyDemetri'sarm,whileshecallsoutinherstruggle.WemakeeyecontactandIjumpup,pressingmyshoulderintoDemetri'schestandmakinganimprintwithhisbodyinthestonewall.Igrowlandsnapathisneck.Bellatakesoverwithherpower.ItthenlooksasthoughDemetrithrowshimselftotheground.WehereadistantcallandBellarelinquisheshergrasponDemetri.
"Run,"hehisses,andthatisallweneed.WehurtleoutintoVolterraanddownthecobblestonestreets.Humansgaspasawhooshofairrushespastthem,thoughtheydonotseeourbodies.WearemilesoutofVolterrabeforeweslowourpaceintheslightest.Wemakeittotheairportandtakethefirstplaneanywhere.
"Edward?"
Theplaneisrisinginaltitude.Sheisthefirsttospeak.Ilooktowardher,watchingthegroundfallawayfromthewindowjustbehindherrightshoulder.
"I'msorry,"shesays.
"Whatonearthareyousorryfor?"Iask,shocked.
"Iliedtoyou."
Ialmostlaugh.
"WellthenIshouldbethesorriestpersonintheworld,shouldn'tI?"Achucklemanagestoescape.
"I'mbeingserious,"shesayssternly.Mylaughterfallsaway.
"Sorry,"Iamend."Whatdidyoulieabout?"
"WhenIsaidIdidn'tloveyou,"shebegins,buttrailsoff.Irunmyhandupanddownherarm.Shespeaksagain."IdiditbecauseIwasscared,andbecauseIdidn'twantyoutohavetospendahundredyearswithme,onlytoregretit."
Howwoefullysimilarweare.
"Iforgiveyou,"Ismile,becausesheneverevenhadtoapologize.
WelandinTurkey.
WevisitmanycountriesIcan'tpossiblylist.Eventuallynoonetrailsus.WeeventuallyendupwithCarlisle'scoven.Hehasmovedmanytimes,andiscurrentlysettledinthesmall,lazytownofForks,Washington.Bellasaysthatshelivedhereonce,whenshewasahuman.Ofcourse,allherrelativesarelongdeadnow.Weevenattendheroldhighschool,whichissortofalaugh.Bellahateseverythingabouthighschool.Ioncecaughthertryingtoleavethroughthesmallwindowinthegirl'sbathroom.
Aliceshowsushowsheelaboratelyplottedourescape.Iremembertotryandmakeaneffortwithher.Afterall,shesavedbothofourlives.ShealsoshowsusDemetri'ssuicideafterplacatingAro.Hewassmiling.
Wenevermarry.Wefigureit'sbestthatwedon't.Itisn'tlikethatforus,anyway.
Forus,it'sdifferent.
UNKNOWNPOV
Irunthroughthethickwilderness.They'restillfollowingme.Idon'tknowwhotheyare.Ithastohavebeenweeksnow.Theydon'tstop.Theywon'tstop.Ilaunchmyselfoveratreeandflythroughtheair,thewindwhistlingaroundmybodyasIhurtlepastsolidobjects.Ilandonthecushionofunderbrushandtakeoffagain,jumpingoverlakesandriversandstreamslikemerehurdles.They'resteadilygainingonme.Idon'tknowwhatIcandotostopthemanymore.
Idon'tevenknowwhytheywouldwanttokillme.
Izigzagthroughmoreforest,onlytofindmyselfatthetopofatall,sheercliff.Icouldalwaysjumpinandswim,thoughthewaterlookstreacherousbeneathmeandIamverytiredoffleeing.IknowthatifIweretojump,theywouldsimplyjumpafterme.
ThesearenothumansthatIamrunningfrom;thesearevampires.
Ibacktowardtheedgeofthecliffandthreatentojump.Mytrainedeyeswatchasfourorfivevampiresemergefromthedenseunderbrush,allofwhichareadornedwithheavyblackcloaks.Twoofthemstepforwardandmovethecloaksinordertoshowtheirfaces.Itisaboyandagirl,andtheybothlookdisturbinglyyoung.Thegirlsmiles,herlipsthecolorofrubyred.
"Hello.You'requitetherunner,aren'tyou?"Whenshespeakshervoiceissoftandinnocentlikeayoungchild.Iamdrawncloser.
"I'mgoodatit,"Isayabruptly,notwantingtogivetoomuchaway.
"What'syourname?"sheasks.
"James,"Ireply.Thevampiresbehindherareadvancing.Ibegintobacktowardthecliffagain.
"Well,it'sapleasuretomeetyou,James.Youwouldn'tmindcomingwithusforawhile,wouldyou?Ourleaderhasagreatinterestinmeetingyou."Shebeginstowalkforwardasifmyanswerdoesn'tevenmatter.
"WhatifIdon'twanttogo?"Iask.Iknowthisisdangerous.Icansmellit.
OnlymomentsafterthelastwordescapesmymouthIamwrithinginagonizingpain.Doubledover,Itwitchontheforestfloor.Mybodyfightsforamomentandthengivesup,givingintothepain.Almostasquicklyasitcomes,itisgone.Imovetomyfeetasdeftlyaspossible.
Sheissmiling.
"Didyousaysomethingaboutnotwantingtogo?"sheaskspolitely.
Ishakemyhead,forIhaveadistinctfeelingthatsheistheonewhocausedthepain.
"Fantastic,"shegrins,andweallheadoutoftheforesttogether.Wetravelformanyhours,eventakingaplane.Bythetimewegettoourdestinationitispitchblack
outside.IknowweareinItalyduetotheairport,butbeyondthatIamlost.Istayclosetothesepeople,eventhoughIhaveanideathatIwilldieattheirhandseventually.
ButIrecognizepowerandIrespectit.
Weenterasmallcityanddescendunderneathit,throughelevatorsandtunnelsandallsortsofdevices.Eventuallyweenteraverylargeroom,wherethreedecrepitvampiressitongreatthronesmadeofstone.Theyounggirlgoesupandtalkstothethree,motioningtomeonlybrieflybeforeleaving.Therestofthevampiresbesidemetrickleaway,leavingmealonewiththesethreevampires.Theoneinthemiddle—darkhair,politesmile—stepsforwardandbeckonsmeover.
"James,isit?"heaskswhenwithinearshot.
Inod.
"Ihearyouareagreattracker.Itmaybesaidthatyourgiftislocation,amIcorrect?"Hespeakssoftly,slowly,butIcansensehisexcitement.
Inodagain.
"Fantastic!"heexclaims."Ihavealittlejobforyou."
#
ItalicizedquotesbelongtoShakespeare'sRomeoandJuliet.Harhar,Mercutiobeingpunny.
Forthehandfulofyououttherethatreadthislittleguy,thankyousomuchforspendingyourtimedoingso.IreallyappreciatethatyouallhangwithmeeventhoughI'mstillworkingonmywritingtechnique.
Ihavesomerecs.IfigurefortheverylastchapterIoughttosendyousomewhereelsenow.
First,DeadonmyFeetbyCescaMarie.Thisisdefinitelymyfavoriteonmyalerts,byfar.Iloveherdialogue,and,especially,herEdward.I'malwayseagerlyawaitingherupdates.
GrandJetebystellalunasky.ThisoneisjustgettingstartedbutI'msortofobsessedwithstellalunasky'swritingingeneral.Nobigdealoranything.
I'malsoreadingAPortraitofaGirlbyZors.Ireallylikeitsofar.Totally
top related