grief in three forms | 2014 dalton institute on college student values

Grief in Three FormsPersonal Stories and Strategies for Coping

Jessa Carpenter, Amma Marfo and Sue Caulfield

Jessa Carpenter - @jessacarpenter

Amma Marfo - @ammamarfo

Sue Caulfield - @_suecaulfield

#dalton14

sombersisters@gmail.com

Grief:

noun

1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

—Idioms, come to grief, to suffer disappointment, misfortune, or other trouble; fail: Their marriage came to grief after only two years. Good grief, (used as an exclamation of dismay, surprise, or relief): Good grief, it's started to rain again!

—Related forms: grief·less, adjective, grief·less·ness, noun

Tragedy:

noun

1. a dramatic composition, often in verse, dealing with a serious or somber theme, typically that of a great person destined through a flaw of character or conflict with some overpowering force, as fate or society, to downfall or destruction.

2. a lamentable, dreadful, or fatal event or affair; calamity; disaster: the tragedy of war.

Coping:verb (used without object)

1. to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success (usually followed by with ): I will try to cope with his rudeness.

2. to face and deal with responsibilities, problems, or difficulties, especially successfully or in a calm or adequate manner: After his breakdown he couldn't cope any longer.

“[E]very year 2 million people die in America. And if each of those deaths affects just five other people, at least 10 million people are affected by loss each year.” (Pearson, 2009)

Reasons for a lack of discussion about grief• Legality• Comfort• Know-how1997 Report by Field and Cassel

An Ethic of Care

Lawrence Kohlberg Carol GilliganMoral Development Theory Ethic of Care

Abstract Justice Relationships and ResponseCapacity for care is a human strength and should be expected of everyone.

We should value caring and caregivers publicly and privately.

1. Attentiveness2. Responsibility

3. Competence4. Responsiveness

• Strict following of the rules• Devaluing emotion and relationships• “Just get the job done” “It’s just a job”• Ignore injustice • Top down decision making

• “We know best”

Lack of Ethic of Care

Boston Marathon Bombing

Personal Loss

Do’s and Don’ts!

Do…

Reach out in meaningful ways.

Don’t…

Use platitudes or make bad copy/paste errors.

Do…

Give people a heads up where appropriate.

Don’t…

Lie to people about being told, expect my best work or avoid the subject.

Do…

Be flexible!

Provide alternative work situations.

Keep me in the loop.

Don’t…

Exclude me.

Reassign my work.

Most importantly!

Keep an eye on yourself and me.

Loss of a Student

Something Special

Illness & Student Affairs

Illness & Students

An Ending

What works?

Ethic of Care

What now?