good enough parenting: creating conversations that change children’s lives dr. brad sachs, ph.d ...

GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING:Creating Conversations

That Change Children’s Lives

Dr. Brad Sachs, Ph.D

www.drbradsachs.com

Parenting Continuum

April 22, 2014

Irrigate vs. Irritate

Illuminate vs. Eliminate

3 Main Components

•Listening

•Conveying Empathy

•Attracting Curiosity

Listening

Listening Is Not….

• Confusing a child’s honesty with disrespect

• Confusing a child’s desire to engage with disobedience

• Confusing a child’s lack of self-awareness (“I don’t know”) with disengagement

Empathy

We are all born with a capacity to develop and display caregiving behaviors aimed at providing protection and support to others who are vulnerable/dependent or temporarily in need—mainly, our children

Empathy

The ability to feel what another person is feeling but also to respond to it

Empathy Imbalances…

Too Little Identification…

Too Little Identification

Too Much Identification…

The Key To Empathy….

Remaining alive to the otherness of our child as well as our own childhood experience

Curiosity

The Curiosity Concept

Parent-child conversations should be designed to attract children’s curiosity about who they are and why they do what they do so that they begin to discover a sense of meaning and purpose behind their actions

The Curiosity Concept

Who do I become under the expectations that I impose upon myself and how do I develop those expectations?

The Curiosity Concept

Who do I become under the expectations that others and the world impose upon me and how do I decide which ones to meet and which ones to relinquish?

The Curiosity Muscle

The Fourth Component

Impediments to Mighty Words

Expectations

Vs.

Reality

Impediments to Mighty Words

Impediments to Mighty Words

Impediments to Mighty Words

Impediments…

Parent-Child battles are a necessary way to acknowledge attachment to each other and come to understand each other…

Impediments…

…the worst fights are usually created by the family’s effort to avoid fights

Impediments…Children tend to assign blame rather than assume accountability not because of their lack of responsibility, but because they feel so disappointed in themselves for not having been more responsible

Impediments…

“They are often wrong, but they never sound uncertain”

Impediments…

Children elicit in and project onto adults all of the discomfiting emotions that they are feeling…

Impediments…

…they prefer to fight with others rather than with themselves

Psycho-Dialysis

Impediments…

Children may refuse to ask for help, or may reject help that is offered, because help reminds them of their own remaining vulnerability and dependence

Mighty Words

• Not a debate

• Not a sermon or lecture

• Not an interrogation or cross-examination

Mighty Words

An Inquiry (and perhaps an interesting conversation)…but not

An Inquisition

Mighty Words

• No rigidly anticipated conclusion

• Induces further thought/reflection in the child

• Leads the child to converse with him/herself more than with you

Mighty Words

• Prompts the child towards increased closeness, both with others and with him/herself

• Encourages the child to learn new ways of finding meaning in the world

• Stimulates you to learn about yourself from your child

Mighty Words

It’s all in the deliveryBeing more receptive to and

interested in the child’s experience than s/he is

I Don’t Understand…

“…why you get B’s and C’s when everyone says you could get A’s?”

I Don’t Understand…

“…why I have to remind you ten times to put down your video controller and put away your laundry—that’s ALL I’m asking you to do, just put away your laundry!”

I Don’t Understand….

“…why you keep bothering your sister and then complaining to me when she yells when if you would just leave her alone in the first place she wouldn’t bother you at all…”

Mighty Words

Focus on fertilizing the

Soil

not germinating the

Seed

The Reality is that…

The less s/he’s reacting to you…

The more s/he can react to him/herself

Mighty Words May Mean Less Words

Subtract Yourself from the Equation

(Tzimtzum)

The Virtuous CycleVersus

The Vicious Cycle

Good Enough Parents…

Acting as both:

Beacon…and…

…Mirror

Mighty Listening

• I am here and I hear you

• I care about you

• I respect your point of view, even if I don’t agree with it

• I want to understand you and will hang in there in an effort to do so

• I remember and know what it is like to not feel heard and understood

Mighty Words

• What were you trying to accomplish when you acted as you did?

• What alternatives presented themselves?

• How did you decide which alternative to pursue?

• How do you feel about your choice, and how did it work out?

• What would you do differently next time?

Mighty WordsInvite the Child to Consider:

• WHO WAS I?

• WHO AM I?

• WHAT CONFUSES ME ABOUT ME?

• WHO DO I WANT TO BECOME?

• HOW WILL THAT MAKE MY LIFE, THE LIVES OF OTHERS, AND THE WORLD AS A WHOLE BETTER?

Mighty Words:Personal Reflection

• What am I expecting of my child?

• Why am I expecting this?

• Was this something that was or is expected of me by others?

• Do I currently expect this of myself?

Mighty Words:Personal Reflection

• Have I always met this expectation?

• If I have, what was challenging about doing so?

• If I haven’t, why haven’t I, and is it fair of me to expect it of my child?

Constrictive vs. Constructive Criticism

Whatever it is that we need…

Constrictive Criticism

Whatever it is that we need…

It’s definitely not more criticism

Mighty Words

Results in hope for the future and an increased resolve to change and grow, rather than immobilizing feelings of shame, guilt and disappointment

The Early Years (5 years old)

Why did you hit Billy at school today?

I wanted the crayons

How did you think Billy felt when you hit him?

I dunno…I don’t care…

How did you feel the other day when Sarah hit you at school?

The Early Years

I don’t remember…

Well, I remember…I remember that you cried

Yeah, now I remember…I hate her…

Why did you cry?

Because it hurt!

Was that a good feeling?

No…I hated it…and I still hate her

The Early Years

So I’m thinking that Billy probably felt just as hurt when you hit him…

But I wanted the crayons!

Of course you did…but do you want someone to hurt you to get something that they want?

No…

Then we need to figure out a better way for you to get what you want…

The Early Years

Okay, okay…

By the way, this afternoon I noticed that you waited for your little brother to finish playing his DS game without grabbing it from him…

Yeah…

How did you decide to wait rather than grab it?

The Early Years

I don’t know…

You must have told yourself something if you were able to wait until he was done…

I guess…

Well, whatever you told yourself must have worked because you waited like a young man…I was very proud of you…How hard was it to wait?

The Early Years

Very hard!

I’ll bet that it was…that’s one of the reasons I was so proud of you…

He’s a pain…

Having a little brother is no picnic, that’s for sure…

The Early Years

He never waits for me to finish playing, he’s always bothering me…

I guess he’s still got some growing up to do…

I wish he would grow up…

I know that…but I sure like seeing how grown-up you’re becoming while we’re waiting for him to grow up…

The Early Years

Is he ever going to go away?

Minecraft Dialogue (9 years old)

I’ve noticed recently that you’re not spending much time playing with any friends

Yes, I am

Hmm…really?

Yeah…all the time

I’m not sure I see that…it seems like most of the time you’re by yourself, playing Minecraft

Minecraft Dialogue

Minecraft is so much fun!

I’ll bet it is…I’m sure that’s why you play it so much…

So what’s the problem?

I don’t know that there’s a problem. I think it’s great that you like Minecraft so much. But it’s good to do other things, too…

Minecraft Dialogue

Like what other things?

Like spending time with your friends

My friends like Minecraft, too!

I’ll bet they do. Do you talk with them about it at school?

Sure, sometimes…

Minecraft Dialogue

I’m glad to hear that.

Everybody plays Minecraft, it’s awesome!

I’ll bet they do—smart kids like you always enjoy a challenge

Oh, it’s a challenge, alright! It can take hours to build something and it’s hard to survive!

I can see how hard you work on it…

Minecraft Dialogue

…but I sometimes worry that you’re spending too much time playing Minecraft and not enough time doing other things.

Like what?

Like going outside, like riding your bike, like playing with friends

But they’re not as much fun as Minecraft!

Minecraft Dialogue

Well, sometimes when you do things more often, you learn to like them more

Really?

Sure—like playing Minecraft. It seems like the more you play it, the more you like it

But Minecraft’s awesome, that’s why I like it!

Minecraft Dialogue

And there are other awesome things, too

But not as awesome as Minecraft!

Probably not…everybody’s got a favorite activity, something that they like to do above all else. But everybody also has to learn to do and to like other things, too, and if you don’t do any other things, you won’t learn to like any other things

Minecraft Dialogue

But I don’t have to like any other things, I already like Minecraft!

But part of growing up and being healthy is learning to enjoy more than one thing. It’s like nutrition—it’s fine if you ice cream is your favorite food but you can’t live only on ice cream or you won’t be healthy

Minecraft Dialogue

Ice cream is not my favorite food. My favorite food is chicken wings.

Same difference. You can’t only eat chicken wings and expect to be healthy

But Minecraft is the best! It’s better than chicken wings!

I love the fact that you love Minecraft so much. But I’d like to help you learn to like other things, too

Minecraft Dialogue

Why?

Well for one thing, Minecraft won’t always be available to you. Remember last week when I needed the iPad and you fought with me because you didn’t want to stop playing?

I just wanted to finish the game!

Yes, but you had been wanting to “finish the game” for more than half an hour

Minecraft Dialogue

It wasn’t that long…and I needed to finish the game!

But I needed the iPad. And I didn’t like seeing you how unhappy you were without it. You didn’t know what to do with yourself and at one point you were rolling on the floor, crying. And that made me think that I should help you to learn to enjoy other things besides Minecraft

Minecraft Dialogue

I don’t want your help! I just want to play Minecraft!

I understand that you don’t want my help. And I want to make sure that you have plenty of time to do what you love, which is to play Minecraft. But I’m also going to begin putting a limit on how much Minecraft you are allowed to play…

Minecraft Dialogue

What ?!? Why?!?

I’m doing that because I didn’t like seeing how unhappy you were. And because I think you deserve to find other things that you enjoy.

That’s not fair!!

Minecraft Dialogue

I know that it feels awful to be told you can’t always do something that you love to do. But in a way, what I’m going to ask you to do is a lot like playing Minecraft.

What?!? No it’s not!!

Minecraft Dialogue

Sure it is…I mean, you figured out Minecraft all on your own, right, there’s no user’s manual or anything…and there are constant challenges to your survival, right? Isn’t that why you’re so good at it, because you’re good at surviving…

(Pause) I guess so…

Minecraft Dialogue

So I predict that you’re going to be pretty unhappy when I limit your Minecraft time to an hour a day during the schoolweek…

You’re what?!?!

I’m going to limit your Minecraft time to an hour a day during the schoolweek…

You can’t do that!!!

Minecraft Dialogue

I’m going to, and I assume that it’s going to make you unhappy…but I believe that you’ll survive, just as you’ve learned to survive in Minecraft

That’s not fair!!

It might not seem fair, but I believe it’s what’s best…and I am looking forward to seeing how you adjust to it, and what new things you start doing when you’re not playing

Minecraft Dialogue

I hate you!!

I get that. But this is the way it’s going to be. What about weekends? Only an hour on weekends, too?!?

We’ll see about that…I will consider giving you a little more time on the weekends, depending on how you “survive” the week…

Minecraft Dialogue

Not fair! (Pause) Hey, what if I invite a friend over to play Minecraft?

Well, that would be a different situation. Like I said, one of the things that has concerned me is that you’re always alone. So if you figure out how to do things with your friends, I won’t be so worried.

Minecraft Dialogue

Even if it’s Minecraft?

Yes, even if it’s Minecraft…

Fine, I’ll just invite friends over to play Minecraft! Maybe I’ll even go over other people’s houses to play! That’ll show you!!

Minecraft Dialogue

Hmmm…it sounds like you’re already figuring out how to survive this challenge, just like you do in Minecraft…

(Silence…stalks off…)

Cellphone Dialogue (11 years old)

I got a call from your guidance counselor today about the cellphone that you took from another student…would you like to tell me what happened?

Nothing happened…

Well, something happened…she said that you took another student’s cellphone and were texting messages to her friends from it…

Cellphone Dialogue

Well, now you know

But I’d like to know more

There’s nothing else to know

Sure there is…it’s unlike you to do something like this, so it made me wonder what was up.

Nothing’s up…I took Marissa’s cellphone, that’s all…

Cellphone Dialogue

Your counselor said that you were texting messages to Marissa’s friends saying mean things and telling them that she didn’t like them

Silence

I would imagine that things must have gotten pretty complicated for you and Marissa if you took her cellphone and did that…

Cellphone Dialogue

Marissa’s such a poser…

Not your favorite person right now, huh?

You can say that again…every time I get a friend she comes in and takes her away from me…I’m sick of it…

That can get old pretty quickly…

And then she’s like all nice and acts like she’s not even doing anything…

Cellphone Dialogue

So how have you been handling this?

I tried to talk to her, but why bother? She’s such a bitch…

Sometimes when we’re not getting through to someone, we get pretty fed up

Silence

Cellphone Dialogue

And sometimes when we get fed up, we do things that may create more problems than they solve

You mean like taking her cellphone?

Well, I was kind of wondering what was behind that…

I’m really in trouble now, aren’t I?

Cellphone Dialogue

Well, you are…and we’re going to have to deal with that. Marissa’s parents are pretty angry, and so are the friends that you were texting.

How am I ever going to get out of this?

I guess the first thing is doing what we’re doing right now…talking it over and trying to figure out how it happened…

Cellphone Dialogue

Like that’s going to help…

It’s not going to take away everyone’s anger right away…but it can be a start. And, believe me, you’re not the only 11 year old who’s done something goofy and wishes she could turn back the clock…at some point, I can tell you about the many times that’s happened to me, if you’d like

Cellphone Dialogue

So what do we do now?

What do you think would be best?

I don’t know…just tell me what to do and I’ll do it…

Well, I’d like you to give that a little bit of thought. I have the sense that you’ll know what to do if you give yourself a chance to come up with something…

Cellphone Dialogue

Why am I so stupid?

I don’t think it’s a matter of being stupid…I think it’s a matter of being hurt and angry and not knowing what to do…so you made a mistake…that happens to all of us, certainly at your age…but I’m here to help you learn from that mistake and not be likely to repeat it…

Cellphone Dialogue

Am I ever going to have any friends again?

Academic Dialogue (13 years old)

We’re heading into a new school year now, and I found myself wondering what your goals are…

Here we go again…

No, I’d really like to hear what your goals are…

I wanna get all A’s, maybe a B or two… okay?

Academic Dialogue

Really?

Yeah, really—isn’t that what you want to hear? Now can I go back to my game?

Academic Dialogue

Well, this is not really about what I want to hear, it’s about what you want to accomplish

Oh…well, if that’s what you’re asking, I still wanna get all A’s and B’s

I’m impressed with your setting such a high standard for yourself…how will you feel if you reach your goal?

Academic Dialogue

I’ll feel great—plus, it’ll get you off my back, too!

I guess it’s not a lot of fun feeling like I’m on your back, huh?

Uh-uh…that’s why I don’t do well at school

You don’t do well at school because I’m on your back?

Academic Dialogue

Yeah, if you would just back off, I’d be doing better

How is it that my being on your back affects how you do at school?

I just hate it, that’s all…you’re always checking my homework, going on-line to see what my grades are, hiring tutors, making me take medicine…it’s a pain…

Academic Dialogue

Would you rather I didn’t do those things?

Yeah…I said it’s a pain

What do you think would happen if I stopped doing some of those things?

I’d do better—I’d probably get all A’s and B’s

And then you’d have me off your back, right?

Academic Dialogue

Right!

Well, I’m sure you know that if you were consistently taking care of business at school, I would probably enjoy doing other things besides checking up on your progress

Really?

Really…

Academic Dialogue

Anyway, it’s certainly worth a try cutting back, I suppose…but, just out of curiosity, what should we do if you don’t reach your goal of getting all A’s?

I don’t know—but one thing I don’t want to do is work with that stupid tutor again

You’re not feeling like she was helpful?

Academic Dialogue

It’s a waste of time—all she did was go over the same stuff we did in class

Although your grades did come up a bit once you started working with her

That wasn’t because of her…

Why did it happen then?

I don’t know…but it wasn’t because of her…

Academic Dialogue

Do you remember why we decided you should try working with the tutor?

Yeah…because you were angry that I wasn’t doing well in school…

That’s part of it…but do you remember that night when you were upset because you couldn’t do your homework, and you thought everyone else understood it better than you did?

Academic Dialogue

Silence

Having a learning disability is no picnic, is it?

Duh…

You must get sick of having to do extra things just to keep up with kids who are no smarter than you are…

Silence

Academic Dialogue

I hate Molly…

Why do you hate Molly?

Because she never has to study for tests and she gets A’s anyway

Watching people do well without having to work as hard as you do must feel lousy…

Yeah, it does…

Academic Dialogue

So how can we figure out if you don’t want to work with a tutor because you don’t think it’s helpful, or if you don’t want to work with a tutor because you’re just so angry that a tutor may be necessary for you to keep up with kids who aren’t any smarter than you are?

I don’t know…why are you asking me all of these questions, anyway?

Academic Dialogue

Because I believe you know the answer to these questions better than anyone else does

You do?

Yes, I do…how else could anyone know what’s going on inside of you better than you do?

I just don’t want to start the year working with the tutor

Academic Dialogue

Well, that would be fine…but at what point do you think that you might want to reconsider the possibility of working with her?

I want to wait and see how I do first quarter

Okay…but will you let me know when you’re thinking it might be time to hire her back, or are you going to feel too angry about this to bring it up?

Academic Dialogue

I don’t know…

I think we should keep an open mind on this…although perhaps the best way to figure this out would be to see if you’re meeting your goals

You mean getting all A’s and B’s?

Just like you said…

Academic Dialogue

Well, maybe A’s and B’s, but a C is okay, too

It’s entirely up to you to establish your goals—

2 C’s?

As I said, it’s entirely up to you…

Okay, so if I get 2 C’s or below first quarter, I’ll start working with a tutor…

Academic Dialogue

If that’s how you want to handle it, that sounds like a good plan to me…

Can I change my mind?

Of course you can change your mind…we can keep an eye on this together from quarter to quarter, but, as I said, it’s your future that you’re creating, so you have to be the one who sets the standard…and I know you want to succeed

Academic Dialogue

Do you think the tutor will still want to work with me?

I’m sure that if you commit to working hard with her, she’ll be happy to have you back…

Hey, wait a minute…what about taking medicine? Do I still have to take medicine?

Academic Dialogue

I think it’s time for us to start getting past the “have to” stage…if you think the medicine is helpful, then you should feel free to take it…if not, then we’ll talk to your doctor and make a decision about whether or not to continue…

I don’t like having to make all of these these stupid decisions

Academic Dialogue

I can understand that…it’s difficult taking control of your life…but you’re going to feel much, much better about things when you realize that you’re driving the car, rather than sitting in the passenger seat, being driven by others

What if I get in an accident?

Academic Dialogue

Well, that happens sometimes…but that’s why we’re taking this process slowly, so that you can gradually take over the wheel as you feel more and more ready to steer…and we’re here to help you figure that out…

Academic Dialogue

I don’t think I’m ever gonna feel ready…

Finally…

As children grow, it’s not ultimately what you say, but how you say it, and how well you listen, that determines your influence as parent