fairly oddparents 394 - "fairly oldparent pt. 2"

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EXT. - TURNER HOUSEHOLD

(SFX: WANDA MAKING ANXIOUS NOISES)

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Wanda is anxiously chewing on a pillow.

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WANDAThis is terrible, Timmy! --

-- We’ve gotta gure out some way to get Poof away from Mrs. Crocker --

-- and bring him back home.

TIMMYDon’t worry, Wanda. --

-- I’ve got a plan. --

-- We’re gonna get Mrs. Crocker to break Da Rules. --

-- And when it comes to breaking rules, --

-- I’m an expert!

WANDAOoh, I love to break rules! --

-- Don’t tell anyone --

-- but I once parked in a loading zone --

-- with nothing to load.

TIMMYWow. Wanda, that’s not exactly --

WANDAAnd one time I left a 14 percent tip at a restaurant. --

-- And that was right after --

-- I snuck my own popcorn into a movie theater.

TIMMYOkay, Wanda, I get it.

-- You’re a rebel. --

-- You’re a rebel. --

-- You’re a rebel. --

-- Listen. --

-- One of Da Rules is you can’t cheat. --

-- Mrs. Crocker plays bingo every day. --

-- If we can get her to use magic to win, --

-- she’ll lose Poof. --

-- Now here’s the plan.

(TIMMY WHISPERS)

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EXT. - SCHOOL REPURPOSED AS BINGO HALL.

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INT. - SCHOOL CAFETERIA (BINGO HALL)

(POOF BREATHING HEAVILY)

MRS. CROCKERPoof, --

-- it’s great having you at bingo with me. --

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-- With you here I can wish for anything I need. --

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-- Like a yummy liverwurst sandwich.

POOF (exhausted)Poof poof.

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A stinky liverwurst sandwich appears!

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(SFX: CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!)

(SFX: CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!)

Stinky crumbs fall into Poof.

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(POOF GAGS)

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MRS. CROCKERThat’s delicious! --

-- I’ll just save the rest for later.

MRS. CROCKER puts the sandwich in Poof.

POOF nearly vomits.

MRS. CROCKER (CONT’D) Now I could use some bunion cream, --

-- a donut cushion for my tushy, --

-- and one of those fancy electric nose trimmers.

MRS. CROCKER’S foot came in.

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Bunion cream!

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Donut cushion!

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Noisehairs!

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(SFX: WEEDWHACKER SOUNDS)

(SFX: WEEDWHACKER SOUNDS)

MRS. CROCKER (CONT’D)You’re a life saver!

(SFX: WEEDWHACKER SOUNDS)

(SFX: WEEDWHACKER SOUNDS)

(POOF ANTICS A SNEEZE)

(POOF SNEEZES OUT THE SANDWICH & HAIR)

(POOF SIGHS AND GROANS)

(O.S., SUGG) OLD WOMANGod bless you.

Timmy and Wanda dressed as old women.

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Timmy winks.

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MRS. CROCKER (CONT’D) Hello, ladies.

-- I’ve never seen you before. --

-- Are you new to bingo?

WANDAOh I’ve been playing bingo for about --

-- fty thousand --

Timmy elbows Wanda.

WANDA (CONT’D)I mean, fty years. --

-- Watch the elbow, Bernice.

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TIMMY (normal voice)So --

-- how long does this bingo thing last? --

-- I’ve got a soccer game this afternoon --

Wanda elbows Timmy.

TIMMY (CONT’D) (old lady voice)Did I say soccer game? --

-- I meant --

-- hip replacement surgery.

MRS. CROCKERWell you’re here on a good day. --

-- First prize is --

-- new tennis balls for your walker.

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WANDAIf you want to win, --

-- you should do what I do. --

-- You know, cheat! --

-- That’s what I do all the time. --

-- I’m a big fat cheater!

SECURITY GUARD (O.S.)You’re not cheating in here, honey.

144 SECURITY GUARDYou’re not cheating in here, honey.

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GUARD (SUGG)Taze ‘er, Dano.

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(SFX: JAIL BARS CLINKING DOWN)

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TIMMYBingo jail. --

-- Who knew?

OLD LADY (loud)Gladys dug a tunnel! --

-- We’re busting out at midnight!

TIMMYYou might want to whisper that.

OLD LADY (loud)I thought I was! --

-- I lost my hearing aid in a rumble in the mess hall.

JAILERYou two are free to go. --

-- You were bailed out by a grilled cheese sandwich.

-- You were bailed out by a grilled cheese sandwich.

-- You were bailed out by a grilled cheese sandwich.

-- You were bailed out by a grilled cheese sandwich.

SPARKY (SUGG)SANDWICH!

EXT. - CROCKER’S HOUSE

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TIMMYWanda, --

-- we need to nd a new way to get Mrs. Crocker to break Da Rules. --

-- I know! --

-- We’ll get her to break the biggest rule ever.

WANDAGet her to leave a 14 percent tip?

TIMMYNo... --

-- Let’s get her to tell someone she has a fairy. --

-- And I know just how to do it.

POOF IS MAGICALLY PAINTING TOENAILS.

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(SFX: DOORBELL RING)

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TIMMYHello, --

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--we are government census takers. --

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-- We’re here to nd out how many men, women and fairies are living in your house.

-- We’re here to nd out how many men, women and fairies are living in your house.

MRS. CROCKEROne woman and one humped back man --

-- and that’s it. --

-- Thank you.

-- Thank you.

-- Thank you.

WANDAAre you sure? --

WANDAAre you sure? --

-- It’s okay to tell us any secrets you’re keeping.

TIMMYYou can trust us. --

-- We’re the government.

WANDACome on. --

-- Everybody has secrets. --

-- For example, --

-- my husband’s a grilled cheese sandwich.

MRS. CROCKERPlease go away. --

-- I have a lot of wishing to do. --

-- I mean, --

-- hip replacement surgery.

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TIMMY (sarcastic)Nice going, Wanda. --

-- You were more believable as Bernice.

WANDA You were Bernice!

MRS. CROCKER (O.S.) Wake up, Poof. --

-- You have a lot of wishes to grant! --

-- You have a lot of wishes to grant! --

-- Here’s my new list.

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POOF sighs.

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(SFX: “SEXUAL HEALING” PLAYS)

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Jorgen’s swim trunks oat to the surface.

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JORGENSeriously, old woman. --

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-- I will poof up a restraining order right now!

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MRS. CROCKER SIGHS.

TIMMYWe need another plan, Wanda. --

-- Wanda?

(SFX: WANDA GROWLING)

TIMMY(whisper shout) WANDA!

WANDAI’m taking her out, Timmy!

TIMMYI’m not going back to jail with you! --

-- Now get out here!

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(WANDA MAKES DISAPPOINTED NOISES)

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TIMMY (CONT’D)I’ve been thinking, Wanda. --

People get fairy godparents because they’re unhappy. --

-- All we have to do is nd out what’s making Mrs. Crocker sad and x it. --

-- Then Poof will be free to go.

WANDAThat’s a great idea, Timmy, --

-- but how are we ever gonna gure out what makes her unhappy?

CROCKERI’m home, --

-- you old bat!

MRS. CROCKERDenzel, are you hungry? --

-- I was just about to make --

CROCKERYourself scarce? --

-- The scarcer the better! --

-- Now if you need me for anything... --

-- DON’T!

MRS. CROCKER tears up.

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(MRS. CROCKER CRYING)

(MRS. CROCKER CRYING)

TIMMYThat’s it, Wanda! --

-- Mr. Crocker is the source of Mrs. Crocker’s unhappiness. --

-- He’s the reason she got a fairy. --

-- If we get rid of him, --

-- Poof can come home.

CROCKER Timmy Turner?

TIMMYUh, Mr. Crocker, --

-- what brings you here?

-- what brings you here?

-- what brings you here?

CROCKERIt’s my house!

TIMMYOkay, enough small talk. --

-- I was thinking if you hate your mother so much, --

-- you should just leave home. --

-- I took the liberty of packing a bag for you.

-- I took the liberty of packing a bag for you.

-- I took the liberty of packing a bag for you.

CROCKERThat’s mighty thoughtful of you, Turner. --

CROCKERThat’s mighty thoughtful of you, Turner. --

-- And a little bit creepy. --

-- I like it!

CROCKER (CONT’D)By the way, what are you doing in my --

CROCKER (CONT’D)By the way, what are you doing in my --

CROCKER (CONT’D)By the way, what are you doing in my --

CROCKER (CONT’D)By the way, what are you doing in my --

WANDA slams the door shut.

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CROCKER (O.S.)I have to go to the bathroom.

(SFX: POOF!)

CROCKER (O.S.)Never mind! A toilet just appeared on the lawn.

TIMMYAlright! Mr. Crocker’s gone. --

-- Which means Mrs. Crocker is gonna be happy now.

MRS. CROCKERDenzel, --

-- did you leave a bear trap in my room again?

-- did you leave a bear trap in my room again?

-- did you leave a bear trap in my room again?

TIMMYHe’s not here, Mrs. Crocker. --

-- In fact, --

-- I don’t think he’s coming back.

-- I don’t think he’s coming back.

-- I don’t think he’s coming back.

MRS. CROCKER Timmy Turner?

TIMMYUh, Mrs. Crocker. --

-- What brings you here?

MRS. CROCKER It’s my house!

TIMMYLook, --

-- Mr. Crocker asked me to tell you that he’s gone forever. --

-- Isn’t that --

-- the best news you’ve ever heard?

MRS. CROCKERWhat?! --

-- No! --

-- That’s the worst news I’ve ever heard! --

-- <SOBS>. --

-- <SOBS>. --

-- Why?

TIMMYI don’t understand. --

-- I thought Mr. Crocker made you miserable.

MRS. CROCKER Miserable? --

-- He’s my son and I love him. --

-- I’m just sad because he doesn’t love me back.

CROCKERWhat are you talking about, mother?

TIMMYMr. Crocker, --

-- why’d you come back?

CROCKERI needed to wash my hands. --

-- And there’s no lawn sink. --

-- Now --

-- what’s all this --

-- about me not loving you?

MRS. CROCKERWell you don’t! --

-- At least you never say you do!

(SOBS)

-- Of course --

-- I love you, --

-- you deranged lunatic! --

-- You’re my mommy!

MRS. CROCKER Oh Denzel!

They hug.

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CROCKEREnough, mother. --

-- You’re getting denture cream on my shirt.

MRS. CROCKERYou’ve made me the happiest woman on Earth!

CROCKERCome on! I’ll buy you an ice cream. --

-- Your treat! --

-- And you’re paying for gas!

MRS. CROCKER Oh, Denzel!

TIMMYUh... what just happened?

JORGEN poofs into the hot tub.

JORGENI’ll tell you what happened. --

-- As creepy and unbelievable as it sounds, --

-- she actually wanted to spend time with Mr. Crocker. --

-- And now that she’s no longer miserable, --

-- she doesn’t need a fairy. --

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-- Poof, --

-- you can go home.

POOF (happy)Poof poof!

WANDAOoooooooh, --

-- I have my baby back! --

-- Let’s go nd your father so we can go out to dinner and celebrate.

SANDWICH poofs in.

JORGEN Ooh, a sandwich!

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CHOMP CHOMP!

(SFX: CHOMP CHOMP)

WANDAJorgen, that was Cosmo!

COSMO poofs in.

COSMONo, Wanda. --

-- The sandwich was a decoy. --

-- I got tired of people trying to eat me --

-- so I cleverly disguised myself as a delicious dog bone.

SPARKY Ooh! --

-- Dog bone!

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EXT. - TURNER HOUSEHOLD

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TIMMY dribbles POOF.

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TIMMYPoof --

-- it’s so good to have you back home!

TIMMY SHOOTS...

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... he scores!

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POOF Poof poof!

JORGEN poofs in.

JORGENPoof, --

-- here’s your pay --

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-- for being a fairy godparent.

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TIMMYWait a minute. --

-- You guys get paid for being godparents?

WANDAOf course not, Timmy. --

-- Spending time with you is all the pay we need. --

-- I assume my money is being directly wired to my offshore account as usual? --

COSMOWait --

-- a minute. --

-- What about my money?

WANDAActually, --

-- we have to pay them --

-- for you to be a godparent.

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COSMOAnd I’m worth every penny of it.

WANDALet’s celebrate us being back together --

-- with a fun night at Bingo!

TIMMYThey banned us there. --

-- Remember, Wanda? --

-- They’ll never let us back in.

WANDAI’ll sneak us in, Timmy. --

WANDAI’ll sneak us in, Timmy. --

WANDAI’ll sneak us in, Timmy. --

WANDA poofs up her old woman costume.

WANDAI’ll sneak us in, Timmy. --

-- I’m a rebel, remember?

(SFX: JAIL BARS SLAMMING SHUT)

TIMMYYou had to park in the loading zone, didn’t you, Bernice?

WANDAYou’re Bernice! --

-- Don’t worry, guys. --

-- Word has it that Gladys is breaking us out tonight. --

-- How’s that tunnel coming, --

-- Gladys?

GLADYSPretty good. --

-- I just gotta pick up my shovel so I can start digging.

GLADYS reaches down...

GLADYS’ back breaks.

(SFX: CRACK!)

GLADYS Oh, my back!

GLADYS falls over.

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COSMO I got this.

COSMO poofs away the bars.

COSMO (CONT'D)What do you say we blow this taco stand? --

-- Ooh, --

-- speaking of which, --

-- Poof, make me a taco.

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SPARKYTaco!

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(SFX: MUNCHING NOISES)

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(SFX: MUNCHING NOISES)

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(SFX: MUNCHING NOISES)

COSMOAh! I’m gonna need that piece back!

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