everyday resilience: fostering our children’s grit ...€¦ · “failure is always an option”...

Everyday Resilience: Fostering

our Children’s Grit,

Perseverance, and Coping Skills

By Dr. Rebecca Resnik

Licensed Psychologist

Director, Mindwell Psychology Bethesda P.C.

Our plan . . .

� Neurobiology of resilience

� Psychology of resilience

� External/Internal factors influencing resilience

� Coping with adversity

� Teaching kids to persevere

Resilience: The ability to cope adaptively

with adversity and stress

“That which does not kill us makes us

stronger”--Nietzsche

Oh, really?

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says

differently is selling something.”--Westley

Who is resilient and why?

It’s Complicated . . . (Russo, et al., 2012)

The Brain’s First Alarm System: The

Amygdala (“bottom up”)

The brain is an “anticipation machine”– Daniel Dennett, 1991

The Second Stage of Alarm: Distress

Maintenance (“Top Down”)

The frontal lobe as CEO (Michio Kaku, 2014)

What makes kids vulnerable?

� Rigid coping strategies

� Maladaptive coping strategies

� The number of stressors, not the severity

� Anxiety and depression in the family

� Learning and attentional disabilities

� Bullying, rejection, and exclusion

� Social isolation

� Conflict and chaos in the home

Extrinsic Factors: Those outside of the

child that foster resilience

� Secure attachment to caregiver

� Predictability in the home

� Parenting style

� Play and fun—engagement

with others

� Having at least 1 friend

Having your parents be absolutely crazy

about you!

Intrinsic Factors: Maladaptive Coping

Strategies

� Provide short-term relief at long term cost

� Are unhealthy

� Are rigid, do not allow the

child to be adaptable

� Create new problems or

make old problems worse

� Avoid dealing with the

problem

Intrinsic Factors that make kids strong

� Self-Efficacy

� Mindfulness/Insight

� Temperament

� Flexibility

� Finding meaning in setbacks

Be the change you want to see in . . . your

child!

� “Every breath you take, every move you make . . .”

� Kids will do what you do

� Teens will detect hypocrisy

� Watch your own self-talk

� Practice self-care

Chaim Ginott on Parenting (or Teaching)

� “I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”

Psychology of Resilience:

� Reactions to emotional distress� Physical

� Emotional

� Cognitive

� How do we interpret what we experience?

Our interpretation is powerful

Distress maintenance: Cognitive

Distortions

� All or nothing thinking

� “I feel it, therefore it must be so”

� Catastrophizing

� Focusing on the bad

� One time means forever

� Overpersonalizing

� Mindreading

Bouncing Back: learning to bend not break

Letting Go: Overcoming challenges is

critical to developing self-efficacy

Developing self-efficacy

� Give choices whenever possible

� Allow kids to make their own plans

� Allow kids to invent solutions

� Give the same level of freedoms that are the norm in your neighborhood (Wendy Mogel)

� CHORES

� Give kids responsibilities

� Let them experience Natural Consequences

Our failures give us information—it is

called experience

� “Failure is always an option” --Adam Savage

Coping with failures and mistakes

� Validate the feelings

� Listen, don’t talk

� Help problem solved (if asked)

� Guide the child towards

finding his own

solutions

� Help the child make

retribution

Think like a coach, not a mechanic

� Give kids as much choice as possible for how to get things done

� Help them find their own solutions (e.g. Ross Greene, The Collaborative Problem Solving Approach)

� Encourage them to take risks

� State what you observe, then ask “What’s your plan?”

� Help them break down goals into steps

� Help them reflect after a setback

Fostering “Grit”—Dr. Angela Duckworth

� “Grit” = Perseverance and Passion for Long-Term Goals

� Self discipline (not just resilience)

� In Duckworth’s research, grit

accounts for more variance than IQ

and talent

The “Growth” vs “Fixed” Mindset

--Dr. Carol Dweck

� "In a fixed mindset students believe their basic abilities, their intelligence, their talents, are just fixed traits. They have a certain amount and that's that, and then their goal becomes to look smart all the time and never look dumb. In a growth mindset students understand that their talents and abilities can be developed through effort, good teaching and persistence. They don't necessarily think everyone's the same or anyone can be Einstein, but they believe everyone can get smarter if they work at it."

Fostering Self-Efficacy: How to praise

“Person vs Process” Praise (Kamins and Dweck, 1999)

� “Process” Praise or Criticism:� “This essay has five paragraphs! Nice!”

� “I see some mistakes that need fixing”

� “Person” Praise or Criticism:� “You are so smart!”

� “You are a sloppy writer”

Desirable Praise (Haim Ginott, 1965)

� Describes efforts and accomplishments� “The whole yard is raked and it is not even noon!”

� “You are getting more of them right now, aren’t you?”

� “You are really sticking with this assignment!”

� “I see a lot of progress here, what do you think?”

� “Now, that is really independence/determination/perseverance/hard work/responsibility/sticking with it”

Ginott likens praise to a potent medication— it is not be used “haphazardly”

Finding meaning in your own story

“The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned.” ---JK Rowling

Telling your story

� Be the repository of your child’s finest moments (Faber and Mazlish)

� Find a sense of purpose

� What have we

learned?

� Make it art

Finding Meaning in the journey� “The people who succeed despite depression do

three things. First, they seek an understanding of what's happening. Then they accept that this is a permanent situation. And then they have to transcend their experience and grow from it and put themselves out into the world of real people.” --Andrew Solomon

Remember, YOU are your child’s primary

mental health care provider

Don’t be afraid to get help

That’s it!

� Thanks for listening� Dr. Rebecca Resnik, Licensed Psychologist

Director, Mindwell Psychology Bethesda