christian confrontations

Christian Confrontations

A Review of the Conflict Management Process

Step 1: Define the Conflictis it SIN or difference of opinion?

2b: Individual Confrontation

Biblical Resolution

SIN

Repentance

3b: Confrontation with witnesses

Repentance

4b: Confrontationby the Church

Repentance

5b: Church Discipline

Repentance or be expelled

Difference

2a: Individual Confrontation

Mutual agreement

3a: Confrontation with Third-party

Mutual agreement

4a: Pastoral Decision

Submiss

ion to

Past

or

Conflict Management Process

What is a crucial conversation? And who

cares?

pages 1-2

A conversation is crucial when . . .

1. Opinions vary

2. stakes are high

3. emotions run strong

pages 1-2

Step 1: Define the Conflictis it SIN or difference of opinion?

2b: Individual Confrontation

Biblical Resolution

SIN

Repentance

3b: Confrontation with witnesses

Repentance

4b: Confrontationby the Church

Repentance

5b: Church Discipline

Repentance or be expelled

Difference

2a: Individual Confrontation

Mutual agreement

3a: Confrontation with Third-party

Mutual agreement

4a: Pastoral Decision

Submiss

ion to

Past

or

Conflict Management Process...when opinions vary... ...when stakes are high...

...when emotions run strong.

It’s not enough to understand the process.We must learn to handle the conversations skillfully.

7

Proverbs 22:11

Proverbs 13:3

Proverbs 23:15-16

Proverbs 29:20

Ephesians 4:15

James 1:19

James 2:12-13

Biblical Concepts

What advantage do we have as Christians that unbelievers do not have?

Matthew 12:33-37

The Pool of Shared Meaning

pages 21-24

9pages 21-24 9

Opinions

TheoriesFeelings

Experiences

Opinions

TheoriesFeelings

Experiences

The Pool of Shared Meaning

Opinions

Theories

Feelings

Experiences

Proverbs 11:14

10

Proverbs 15:22

Biblical Concepts

James 1:19-20

“The value of shared meaning”

“The value of listening”

Philippians 2:1-4

“The value of Unity”

Start with the Heart

page 27

12

Casting Blame

Genesis 3:11-13

page 29

13

Casting Blame

Genesis 3:11-13

Matthew 7:3-5

page 29

14

Opinions

TheoriesFeelings

Experiences

Opinions

TheoriesFeelings

Experiences

The Goal of Every Believer

James 1:19-20

15

Theories

Opinions

Theories

Feelings

Experiences

The Goal of Every Believer

Focus on what you really want

pages 32-35

17

Common Deviations / Wrong Motives

1. Wanting to win. (Matthew 5:43-44)

2. Seeking Revenge (Romans 12:18-21)

3. Hoping to remain safe (Proverbs 27:5-6)

pages 35-37

18

What do we really want, as believers?

The “One anothers” of Romans

Love (Romans 12:10)Respect (Romans 12:10)Honor (Romans 12:10)To live in harmony (Romans 12:16)Mutual acceptance (Romans 15:7)Mutual Instruction (Romans 15:14)

Mutual Edification

19

In a “church discipline” matter,what do we really want?

Matthew 18:15-20

Galatians 6:1-6

1 Corinthians 5

1. Restoration

2. Purity of the church

Learn to Look

page 45

21

How to Recognize Crucial Conversations

1. Physical Signs

2. Emotions

3. Behavioral Conduct

pages 47-48

22

James 1:19-20

23

Silence and Violence

Conflict

Violence

Silence

pages 51-54

2424

Leviticus 19:18

2 Ways to demonstrate a lack of love

1. Seeking revenge

2. Bearing a grudge

= “Violence”

“Violence”

= “Silence”

“Silence”

-Masking-Avoiding

-Withdrawing

-Controlling-Labeling-Attacking

pages 51-54

25

Biblical Love

ConflictHarmony

Make it Safe

pages 51-54

27

Making it Safe

What do we do when it is evident that the other person does not feel safe?

a. Step out of the conversation (We leave the content of the conflict)

X

b. Make it safec. Step back in (We re-join the dialogue.)

How?

Ecclesiastes 5:2-3

pages 66-68

28

How to Make it SafeThere are 2 Essential Conditions to Safety:

1. Mutual Purpose 2. Mutual Respect

Do his concerns matter to me?

Have I expressed that they matter to me?

Does he believe they matter to me?

Mutual PurposeIs he defending his dignity?

Has he become very emotional?

Is he pouting, name-calling, yelling or making threats?

pages 68-74

Together, we attack the conflict.We do not attack the person with

whom we have the conflict.

Using the O.I.C.A. Method

31

The O.I.C.A. Method

O = Observation

I = Interpretation

C = Clarification

A = Accusation

32

O = Observation

-Clearly indicate what you have observed

Examples:

“You said you would call me, but you never did.”

“You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.”

The O.I.C.A. Method

33

I = Interpretation

“You said you would call me, but you never did.”

“You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.”

O =

I = “It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.”

O =

I =“It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time here in the mall.”

The O.I.C.A. Method

34

The Role of AttitudeI = Interpretation

The temptation is to let our emotions carry us to our conclusion.

However, we must convert our negative emotions(anger, fear, frustration, etc.) into CURIOSITY.

35

I = Interpretation

“You said you would call me, but you never did.”

“You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.”

O =

I = “It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.”

O =

I =“It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time her in the mall.”

The O.I.C.A. Method

C = Clarification

The Benefit of the Doubt

Numbers 35:30

Matthew 18:15-17

Deuteronomy 17:6

James 2:1-4

O.T.

N.T.

Compare God’s description of Job (Job 1:1 and 8) with the confrontations of Job’s ‘friends.’

The O.I.C.A. Method

37

ACTIVITYUsing the earlier examples, describe some possible clarifications for the actions of the accused person.

“You said you would call me, but you never did.”

“You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.”

O =

I = “It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.”

O =

I = “It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time here in the mall.”

C = ???????

C = ???????

A = Accusation

Matthew 18:15-173 steps

1. Restoration

2. Purity of the church

1. Individual Confrontation

2. Confrontation with Witnesses

Witnesses of the sin or of the confrontation?

3. Confrontation by the Church

Remember the 2 goals:

The O.I.C.A. Method

Master my Stories

page 93

40

O = Observation

I = Interpretation

C = Clarification

A = Accusation

Our observations are limited.

We fill in the details to come to an interpretation. (We tell ourselves stories).

The problem: We can’t trust these stories.

The O.I.C.A. Method

41

The Role of our EmotionsClaim 1: Emotions don’t settle on you like a fog. You and only you create your emotions.

Action

He made me mad!

pages 94-95

Galatians 5:16-26“...the fruit of the Spirit is...

self control.”

43

Claim 2: Once you’ve created your emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them.

Emotions Influence

The Role of our Emotions

pages 94-95

1 Corinthians 10:13“No temptation has overtaken you

except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you

be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also

provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

4545

How Feelings drive Actions

pages 97-98

Feel ActSee/Hear

Tell a Story

pages 98-99

4646

Retrace your Path

page 102

Feel ActSee/Hear

Tell a Story

Am I in some sort of silence or violence?

What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?

What story is creating these emotions?

What evidence do I have to support this story?

47

How to tell yourself accurate stories

1. Distinguish between fact and story.

2. Tell yourself alternate stories.-Ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable person do what he did?”

3. Give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment.

4. Use the O.I.C.A. method to investigate further.

Negative emotions will turn into CURIOSITY.

State my Path

page 119

49

O = Observation

I = Interpretation

C = Clarification

A = Accusation

The O.I.C.A. Method

50

Sharing Risky Meaning

Speaking

Say Nothing Speak the TruthLove / R

esp

ect

Say Nothing Speak the Truth

Little Love Little Love

Much Love Much Love

pages 120-121

51

Speaking

Say Nothing Speak the TruthLove / R

esp

ect

Say Nothing Speak the Truth

Little Love Little Love

Much Love Much Love

1. The worst at dialogue...

Rudely speak the truthSilently bear a grudge

They vacilate between “Violence” and “Silence”

pages 120-121

52

Speaking

Say Nothing Speak the TruthLove / R

esp

ect

Say Nothing Speak the Truth

Little Love Little Love

Much Love Much Love

2. The good at dialogue...

They vacilate between “speaking” and “protecting.”

Silent/Not wanting to hurt

Silently bear a grudge Rudely speak the truth

pages 120-121

53

Speaking

Say Nothing Speak the TruthLove / R

esp

ect

Say Nothing Speak the Truth

Little Love Little Love

Much Love Much LoveSilent/Not wanting to hurt

Silently bear a grudge Rudely speak the truth

3. The best at dialogue...

They are totally sincere and totally respetful.

Speak the truth w/ respect

pages 120-121

Galatians 6:1-6Matthew 18:15-17

Ephesians 4:15

55

S.T.A.T.E.

pages 124-128

Feel ActSee/Hear

Tell a Story

1. Share your facts

2. Tell your story

3. Ask for other’s path

4. Talk Tentatively

5. Encourage testing

pages 128-131page 131pages 131-133pages 134-

135

Explore Others’ Paths

pages 141-160

57

O = Observation

I = Interpretation

C = Clarification

A = AccusationThere are 2 goal of “Clarification.”

1. Correct my wrong stories

2. Understand the other person’s path

The O.I.C.A. Method

58

My Path

Clarification

Feel ActSee/Hear

Tell a Story

5959

The Other Person’s Path

pages 143-144

Feel ActSee/Hear

Tell a Story

Attitude: (1) Be sincere (2) Be curious (3) Be patient

page 145

Encourage others to retrace their path

¿How?

(a) Ask to get things rolling

pages 148-153

(b) Mirror to confirm feelings

(c) Paraphrase to acknowledge the story

(d) Prime when you’re getting nowhere

Move to Action

pages 161-178

61

The 4 Methods of Decision Making

1. Command

Incr

easi

ng

deg

rees

of

involv

em

ent

+ Commitment / - Efficiency

- Commitment / + Efficiency

2. Consult

3. Vote

4. Consensus

Role of the Leader

Make Decisions/Give Orders

Invite Influence

Procure Democracy

Find Mutual Agreement

pages 164-166

62

How to Choose

Who cares?

Who knows?

Who must agree?

How many people is it worth involving?

4 Important Questions

pages 166-173

63

1. Command (make decisions/give orders)

1. Don’t pass out orders like candy.

“As a general rule, if people can makechoices, allow them to do so.”

2. When you face a command decision, ask which elements are flexible.

3. Explain why.

pages 168-169

64

2. Consult (Invite Influence)

1. Inform that you are consulting... that you will make the final decision.

2. Consult when...(a) many people will be affected,(b) you can gather information relatively easily,(c) people care about the decision, and (d) there are many options, some of them controversial.3. Don’t pretend to consult.

4. Announce what you’re doing.“When you’re only going to involve a sample of the people who will be affected, let others know who these people are so they can talk to them if they like.”

5. Report your decision (and why).

pages 169-170

65

1. Weigh the consequences.

WINNERS!

LOSERS!

3. Vote (Procure Democracy)

pages 170-171

66

1. Weigh the consequences.

2. Know when to vote.-When matters aren’t all that weighty.

-When there are a variety of good options.

3. Don’t cop out with a vote.“Votes should never replace patient analysis and healthy dialogue.”

3. Vote (Procure Democracy)

pages 170-171

67

4. Consensus (Mutual Agreement)

1. Don’t force consensus on everything.“If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.”

- Abraham Maslow -

pages 171-173

68

2. Don’t pretend that everyone gets his or her first choice.“When someone’s opinion goes against the majority, everyone should listen, understand and evaluate that opinion.”

3. No martyrs please.“If my opinion goes against the majority, and if the others listen, understand and evaluate my opinion, I owe it to the team to support the decision of the team.”

pages 171-173

4. Consensus (Mutual Agreement)

1. Don’t force consensus on everything.

69

1. Don’t force consensus on everything.

2. Don’t pretend that everyone gets his or her first choice.

3. No martyrs please.

4. Don’t take turns.“Decisions should be based on merit, not on who offers up the options.”5. Don’t engage in post-decision

lobbying.6. Don’t say, “I told you so.”

pages 171-173

4. Consensus (Mutual Agreement)

70

Putting Decisions into Action

1. Who?

2. Does what?

3. By when?

4. How will you follow up?

pages 174-177

Forgiveness and Restoration

Level of Trust+10

+0

-10

+5

-5

Stranger / Unknown

Matthew 25:14-29

+10

+0

-10

+5

-5

Stranger / Unknown

“A Trustworthy Person”

Level of Trust

+10

+0

-10

+5

-5

Stranger / Unknown

“A Trustworthy Person”

“Person of Bad Character”

Level of Trust

Matthew 18:21-22 (70x7)

+10

+0

-10

+5

-5

Stranger / Unknown

“A Trustworthy Person”

“Person of Bad Character”

Level of Trust

Forgiveness does not equal blind trust.Proverbs 27:11-13

Proverbs 25:19Job 15:15-16

Psalms 40:4

Psalms 118:8-9

Jeremiah 9:4

It’s not taking into account that which has been forgiven.

It’s restoring the forgiven person to “0,” giving him another opportunity to win your trust.

+10

+0

-10

+5

-5

Stranger / Unknown

“A Trustworthy Person”

“Person of Bad Character”

“Not taking into account”

“Being a Fool”

Level of Trust

+10

+0

-10

+5

-5

Stranger / Unknown

“A Trustworthy Person”

Persona de mal carácter

“Not taking into account”

“Building Trust”

Level of Trust

Putting it All Together

pages 179-192

82

I observe an action that bothers me.

!

Is it a “sin” issue or a difference of opinion?

83

I decide to confront

- I review my attitude.- I review my “path.” (See/hear - Tell myself a story - Feel - Act)

- I review my goals... what I really want. (Restoration / Purity)

Silence

Violence

84

I make it safea. I make sure we have a mutual purpose.

M.P.

b. I make sure that there is mutual respect.

85

I dominate my own stories

See

Stories

Feel

Act

- I convert my negative emotions into curiosity.

86

I explore the paths of others

See

Stories

Feel

Act

I use the O.I.C.A. Method

See

Stories

Feel

Act

Observation

Interpretation

Clarification

Accusation

87

We fill the Poolof Shared Meaning

See

Stories

Feel

Act

See

Stories

Feel

Act

Pool of S.M.

88

We come to a mutual agreementA “mutual agreement” can be a resolution or a plan of action.

89

?

ResolutionPlan of Action

We come to a mutual agreementA “mutual agreement” can be a resolution or a plan of action.

90

In the case that this was a “sin issue,” the resolution should equal repentance.

We come to a mutual agreementA “mutual agreement” can be a resolution or a plan of action.

91

?

ResolutionPlan of Action

?

Resolution

We come to a mutual agreement

In the case that this was a “sin issue,” the resolution should equal repentance.

A “mutual agreement” can be a resolution or a plan of action.

92

We form a “Follow-up” Plan

1. Who?

2. Does what?

3. By when?

4. How will it be followed up?

Step 1: Define the Conflictis it SIN or difference of opinion?

Biblical Resolution

SIN

Repentance

Repentance

RepentanceRepentance or be expelled

Difference

Mutual agreement

Mutual agreement

Submiss

ion to

Past

or

Conflict Management Process

95

pages 21-24 95

The Pool of Shared Meaning

Proverbs 11:14

96

Casting Blame

Genesis 3:11-13

page 29

97

Emotions Influence

98

Sharing Risky Meaning

Speaking

Love / R

esp

ect

99

1.

Incr

easi

ng

deg

rees

of

involv

em

ent

+ Commitment / - Efficiency

- Commitment / + Efficiency

2.

3.

4.

Role of the Leader