chapter eleven being with others: forming relationships in young and middle adulthood
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Chapter Eleven
Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle
Adulthood
11.1 RelationshipsLearning Objectives
What type of friendships do adults have? How do adult friendships develop?
What is love? How does it begin? How does it develop through adulthood?
What is the nature of violence in some relationships?
Friendships
A mutual relationship in which those involved influence one another’s behavior and beliefs. Quality determined by the satisfaction derived from the relationship
Adult friendships develop over several stagesAcquaintanceshipBuildupContinuationDeteriorationEnding
Friendships (Cont)
Young adults tend to have more friends than during any other stage of adulthood
Research suggests that satisfaction with life is partly dependant upon the quantity and quality of contact with friends
Friendships usually encompass three themes:Affective or emotional: Refers to Self-disclosure and
trustShared or communal nature: Participate in mutual
interestsSociability and compatibility: Source of fun and
entertainmentOnline friendships quality is good and is improving,
trust is important, advantageous for shy personsSibling friendships are important as well. More for
women than for men
Men’s, Women’s and Cross-Sex Friendships
Women tend to base friendships on more intimate sharing and confiding in others
Men’s friendships tend to be based on shared interests or activities
Men’s friendships tend to involve less sharing and more competition
Women tend to have more close friendsCross-sex relationships may help men with their
capacity for intimacyDifficult when persons enter into committed
relationships and marriage, Partner may become jealous.
Love Relationships
Sternberg’s three basic components of love:Passion – intense physical desireIntimacy - need to share thoughts and
actionsCommitment - willingness to stay with
someone during good and bad times
Love Through AdulthoodEarly in relationships, passion tends to be
high and intimacy and commitment lower. This is called infatuation
Falling in LoveThe theory of assortative mating suggests
that people find partners based on similarityHomogamy is the degree to which people are
similar. Research found that greater homogamy was present between partners that met in school or some religious setting
As time goes on commitment increases
Meeting and Falling In LoveMeeting at school is likely to result in the highest level
of homogamySpeed dating partner selection defined by
attractiveness, outgoing, self-assured, moderately self-focused
Online dating has resulted in many couples meeting and forming committed relationships, advantageous for those with dating anxiety One in 5 couples in US meet online.
Higher marital satisfaction resulted when couples shared openness to experiences, but not other aspects of personality
Meeting and Falling In LoveResearch shows three factors that are
important when people meet someoneStimulusValuesRole
Selection and Dating
Studies find differences between women’s preferences in the looks of the men they meetMore masculine for shorter term relationshipMore feminine for husbands or someone their
parents would want them to date
Couples and Culture:Mate Preferences
There is great diversity in preferences across cultures
Two main dimensions emerge:Cultural values – traditional or WesternThe importance of education, intelligence, and
social refinementChastity was a highly valuable in traditional
cultures along with homemaking characteristicsWorld-wide, men preferred attractiveness and
women valued the ability to be a good providerArranged marriages in some cultures report
94% success
Developmental Forces and Relationships
Choices are influence by biopsychosocial factors
Research shows the importance of the dopamine system in love
Erikson describes the importance of the development of the capacity for intimacy for mature relationships
Developmental Forces and Relationships
Exhilaration of falling in love due to amphetamine (dopamine system) neurochemicals
Neurochemical related to morphine appears when relationship switches to long term commitment and tranquility
Oxytocin plays part in attachment and women’s orgasms
Those who tend to fall in love have dominance of left hemisphere chemicals.
Romantic love more important in early adulthood, companionship in later life
Sociolcultural and life-cycle forces play a role in falling in live
The Dark Side of Relationships: Violence
Abusive relationships may result in battered woman syndrome where a woman believes that she cannot leave an abusive situation. She may go as far at to kill her abuser
Studies have found a continuum of aggressive behaviors toward a spouse, verbal, physically aggressive, severe physically aggressive, murder
Some violence, such as pushing or slapping, occurs in 25-40% of committed relationships
The Dark Side of Relationships: Violence (Cont)
Victims are more likely female, Latino, African American, have an atypical family structure, have more romantic partners, early onset of sexual activity, and being a victim of child abuse
Studies show that the complexity of the causes of abusive behavior increases as the severity increases
Violence may start as common violence, or physical aggressiveness between the couple
There may be patriarchal terrorism in which men systematically abuse women
The Dark Side of Relationships: Violence (Cont)Men can also suffer abuse, appox.1/3 the
rate of women Men and women showed similar patterns of
holding traditional gender patterns, lack of communication, and anger management skills
Culture is a factor, and reflects cultural traditions, beliefs, and values of patriarchal societies, seen in sexual slavery, female cutting, intimate partner violence, and honor killing,
The Dark Side of Relationships: Violence (Cont)Abuse is more common in cultures that value
female purity, male status, family honorAmericans in northern US rated women more
positively if they left the abuserSouthern US showed less disapproval if woman
was contrite and self-blaming, value honor moreSouth Asian immigrants use isolation for abuseChinese Americans use physical and sexual
abuse, not psychologicalGay marriages report abuse similar to
herterosexual.
11.2 LifestylesLearning Objectives
Why do some people decide not to marry, and what are these people like?
What are the characteristics of cohabiting people?
What are gay and lesbian relationships like?What is marriage like through the course of
adulthood?
Singlehood
70% of women and 80% of men are single between the ages of 20 and 24
Men tend to remain single longer than women, but more marry in the long run, find partners more easily
Twice as many African Americans as European Americans are single throughout adulthood
Singlehood increasing among Latinos, men expect to marry as a measure of achievement
Young adults may perceive married people as caring, kind, and giving 50% of the time ,only 2% of single people
Being Single
Single people receive less compensation at work
Rental agents preferred married couples 60% of the time in a recent study
Being SingleThree groups of single women in their 30s
Those acutely distressed by itThose vacillating between desire to marry and desire to remain singleThose happy being single with healthy self image and high quality of life
Reasons for remaining singleReaching a milestone birthdayBuying a houseGradually drift into singlehood
CohabitationLower educational levels cohabit more and in
more relationshipsThree reasons for decision to cohabit
Part-time or limited cohabitation is usually for convenience and accessibility. Women more than men. No long term commitment, marriage is not a goal
Premarital cohabitation is usually a trial marriage and if it doesn’t end in marriage, the couple splits-up
Substitute marriage is a long-term commitment without legal marriage and is more common with older couples who may lose financial benefits if they marry
Increasing
Cohabitation(Cont)
Research on cohabitation suggests that it does not increase the chances of a successful marriage, though more recent research shows lessening of the negative effect
Some states and countries provide rights and benefits for cohabiting couples
Gay and Lesbian Couples
Most research shows similar issues for marriages between homosexual and heterosexual couples
Heterosexual couples argue more about financial, political, and social value issues
Homosexual couples are more likely to argue about trust issues
Gay and lesbian couples report less support from family than do married or cohabiting couples
Less similar in demographic characteristics such as race, age, education
Rates of drug and alcohol abuse in much higher
Marriage
Studies show the median age at which couples marry has been rising since 1970s, 28.1 for men, 25.9 for women
Women under the age of 20 at the time of their first marriage are 3 times more likely to divorce than women who marry in their 20s, and 6 times more likely than those in their 30s
What Factors Help Marriage Succeed? Measuring SuccessMarital success – umbrella term referring to
any marriage outcomeMarital quality – subjective valuation of a
couple’s relationship on a number of different dimensions
Marital adjustment – degree to which a couple accommodate to each other over time
Marital satisfaction – global assessment of one’s marriage
What Factors Help Marriage Succeed?Teen marriages are more likely to end in
divorce partly due to the need for the development of a strong sense of identity before intimacy. Maturity provides more likelihood of success.
Homogamy, or similarity of interests and values, increases the chance of successful marriage, and financial security and pregnancy at the time of marriage
Exchange theory suggests that marriages are more likely to succeed if each partner provides something to the relationship that another would not be able to provide, the feeling that the relationship is equal
Do Married Couples Stay Happy?
Studies show that satisfaction with marriage is highest in the beginning, falls until children begin leaving home, and rises again in later life
When dependence is more equal, marriage tends to stay strong and close
When dependence is less equal, more conflict and difficulty is experienced
Do Married Couples Stay Happy?Vulnerability-stress-adaptation model-
marital quality is a dynamic process resulting from the couples ability to handle stressful events in the context of their particular vulnerabilities – if it gets better over time the marriage will improve
The Early YearsLess educated couples experience greater
dissatisfaction with their marriageCouples who do not pool their financial resources
experience less satisfactionWith the birth of children, marriages become more
routine and static, resulting in less satisfaction. However, childless couples’ satisfaction declines as well
Greater satisfaction is achieved if women have accurate perceptions of their husbands rather that “love is blind”
Ability to handle conflict is crucial to a satisfying marriage
Satisfaction decreases with the birth of children\Satisfaction decreases over time for child less
couples also
MarriagesCouples in the military face additional
challenges with deployment and PTSDMore chance of success if non-deployed
spouse believes the challenges will make the relationship stronger
Effects of deployment greater on wives than husbands
‘Divorce rates higher for deployed women that men
Marriage at Midlife
Important is adapt to chancing circumstances.Important to keep the romance aliveCouples who have grown apart but remain
married are called married singlesSharing religious beliefs helpsPhysical appearance is an important factor in
marital satisfaction. Declines in physical condition due to aging may cause changes in level of satisfaction with marriage
Older CouplesSatisfaction with marriage tends to be
higher in older agesRelationships further improve shortly after
retirementDeclines in health and advancing age often
leads to a decrease in marital satisfactionWhile the amount of past or present sexual
activity or interest does not seem to be related to marital satisfaction, interaction with friends is
Keeping Marriages HappyCouples who have enjoyed happy marriages over
the years are better able to deal with changes and challenges
Problems an individual experiences may actually bring couples closer, except for physical illness which has a tendency to negatively affect marital quality
The most important factors in good marriages are Ability to be flexible and adaptable, share religious beliefs, esp in lower socioeconomic marriages, communication of thoughts, actions and, feelings, intimacy and support of each other
Seven Keys to Staying MarriedMake time for your relationshipExpress your love to your spouseBe there in times of needCommunicate about problems in the
relationshipBe interested in your spouse’s lifeConfide in your spouseForgive minor offenses, try to understand
major ones
11.3 The Family Life CycleLearning Objectives
Why do people have children?What is it like to be a parent? What
differences are there in different types of parenting?
The Family Life CycleMost common family in Western societies is
the nuclear familyMost common world wide is the extended
family
Deciding Whether to Have ChildrenMore than 50% of all pregnancies in the
U.S. are unplannedFinances are always a big consideration
An average family having a child in 2009 will spend $206,000 to $476,000 over 17 years for food shelter and other necessities to raise a child
Childless couples have higher standard of living and greater marital satisfaction, but may be viewed negatively by society
Deciding Whether to Have ChildrenConsiderations – Relationships with one’s
parents, marital stability, career satisfaction, finances
Benefits of having children – affection, improve family ties, feeling of immortality, sense of accomplishment
The Parental Role
Couples are having fewer children and waiting longerOlder parents are more at ease, spend
more time with their babies, are more affectionate and supportive
Men who become fathers in their 30s spend up to 3 times as much time caring for their preschool children
More than 70% of women with children under 18 are employed outside the home and still perform most of the child-rearing tasks
Ethnic Diversity and Parenting
African American husbands are more likely to help with household chores and child care than European American husbands
Native American families assign important roles to children, and tribal members spend large amounts of time passing cultural values on to them such ascooperation, sharing, generosity, harmony with nature, spirituality as opposed to European values ofcompetiveness and individuality
Ethnic Diversity and Parenting (Cont)
Latino families esp. mothers adopt authoritative behaviors
Latino families value familism (placing the well-being of the family over individual concerns), and the extended family
Ethnic Diversity and Parenting (Cont)
Asian Americans value familism, and place even higher value on extended families
Value good grades, maintaining discipline, being concerned about what others think, and conformity
Males have a higher statusLess marital stress during transition to parenthood
due to clearer traditional division of tasksMulti ethnic parents face discrimination and
prejudiceMothers usually raise the children according to the
minority’s culture
Single Parents
Roughly 70% of African American births, 50% of Latino births, and 30% of European American births are out-of-wedlock
Causes include high divorce rates, the decision to keep out-of-wedlock children, wanting children, failure to use contraception, and fertility rates
Single Parents (Cont)
Divorced single parents report feelings of frustration, guilt, and a tendency to be overindulgent, and loneliness
Tend to try to be peers with childrenSingle parents often face financial strains. Single
mothers are often affected the most, women are paid less, have less flexibility due to childcare for higher paying jobs
Worries regarding dating and sex
Alternate Forms of Parenting
One-third of North American couples become step, foster, or adoptive parents
Strength of bond between parents and children is an issue
Many children remain very close to non-custodial parents
Visitation of non-custodial parent is an issueChildren of blended families have more mental health
difficulties than non-divorced childrenAdopted children may wish to have
contact with birth parents, which may be viewed as rejection by adoptive parents
Alternate Forms of Parenting cont.Adopting children from another cultureProblems establishing and maintaining a
connection with child’s culture of originChild may have problems because he/she
looks different than peers
Alternate Forms of Parenting (Cont)
Foster parents have most difficulty developing and maintaining bonds with their foster children
Bond can be broken at any time despite quality of careFoster children vary in age at the time they
were taken from biological parentsFoster children may be re-united with their
parents, or adopted by another couple
Alternate Forms of Parenting (Cont)
Research shows that children raised by gay and lesbian parents do not experience any more problems than those raised by heterosexual couples, although there may be resistance to their having children
90% of sons of gay fathers are heterosexualThough controversy continues, studies show that
lesbian couples show more awareness of parenting skills than heterosexual couples, their children are raised less homophobic and more egalitarian than heterosexual children
Parenting is more egalitarian and shared.
11.4 Divorce and RemarriageLearning Objectives
Who gets divorced? How does divorce affect parental relationships with children?
What are remarriages like? How are they similar to and different from first marriages?
Divorce
Who gets divorced and why?US has highest rate of divorce Ethnicity is a big factor
African American, Asian Americans, and tend to be married longer
Ethnically mixed marriages are most likely to end in divorce
Infidelity moat common cause, followed by incompatibility, drinking or drug use, and growing apart
DivorceCouples with high levels of negative feelings
divorce earlierLess able to deal with conflictEuropean American wives and African
American couples use more accommodation and less withdrawal over time
European American husbands remain constant over time, use less withdrawal in the beginning
Absence of positive emotions results in later divorce
Divorce and RemarriageReasons men give for
divorce:Communication
problemsUnhappinessIncompatibilitySexual problemsFinancial problemsEmotional abuseWomen’s liberationIn-lawsInfidelity by spouseAlcohol abuse by
self
Reasons women give for divorce:Communication
problemsUnhappinessIncompatibilityEmotional abuseFinancial problemsSexual problemsAlcohol abuse by
spouseInfidelity by spousePhysical abuseIn-laws
Effects of Divorce on the CoupleTypically divorced individuals feel
disappointed, misunderstood, and rejectedDivorced people often find it difficult to let
go or to find new friendshipsPeople with less preoccupation with the
divorced spouse adjust better to single life
DivorceGottman’s Framework:Couples who express high levels of
negative feelings (contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling) as a result of conflict tend to divorce earlier
Absence of positive emotions causes divorce eventually
Predictions did not hold in lower income samples
Efforts to Decrease DivorceCovenant marriage – couple agrees to
mandatory premarital counseling, limited grounds for divorce, makes divorce more difficult
Governmental efforts – Healthy Marriage InitiativeNational Healthy Marriage CenterNational Center for Marriage Research
Marriage education programs – limited participation, but positive results
Effects of Divorce on the Couple(Cont)
Men are more likely to feel shocked, be blamed for the break-up, accept the blame, move out, and therefore have their social life disrupted
Women are usually at an economic disadvantage, have a more difficult time with prospects for remarriage, and are likely to have inadequate child support
Effects of Divorce on the Couple(Cont)
Divorce hangover – inability to let go, form new friendships, or reorient as a single parent, unable to forgive expartner
Preoccupation with the divorce and inability to forgive are indicators of inability to move on with lives
Effects of Divorce on the Couple (Cont)
Divorce hangover – inability to let go, develop new friendships, reorient selves as single parents, inability to forgive spouse
If middle aged women initiate divorce they report feelings of self-focused growth and optimism, if did not initiate the divorce they tend to ruminate and feel vulnerable
Middle aged women at particular financial disadvantage if they have been homemakers through the marriage
Relationships with Young Children
Mothers tend to obtain custody, but not enough financial resources
Fathers suffer psychologically. Often do not stay close to children
Relationships with Young ChildrenCollaborative Divorce Project – voluntary,
contractually based alternative dispute process for couples who want to negotiate a resolution of their situation rather than have a ruling imposed on them by a court. Designed to assist parents of children 6 or younger.
Advantages - less conflict, greater father involvement, better outcomes for children
Relationships with Adult Children
Even many years after the divorce, men are less likely than women to have positive relationships with their adult children
Adult daughters’ relationship with their mothers are more likely to be positive, or intensify, after the divorce
Fosters negative feelings on young adults views on intimate relationships and marriage
RemarriageOn average, men and women wait about 31/2
years before remarryingAfrican Americans wait longer than European
Americans or HispanicsRemarriages have 25% higher rate of divorce
than original marriagesRemarriages involving stepchildren are 3 times
more likely to end in divorceWomen are more likely to initiate a divorce, but
are less likely to remarryEuropean Americans, people with lower
educational levels, and military more likely to remarry
Younger generations less likely to remarryRemarriage 25% more likely to end in divorce
esp. with children
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