changing gears.. what do men long for, agonise over, aspire to? why is it men are often silent in...

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Pastoral Care SymposiumMelbourne 2012

Working with older men-what makes men tick?

John EvansChanging Gears. Life Coaching and Counselling

Changing Gears

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WHAT DO MEN LONG FOR, AGONISE OVER, ASPIRE TO? WHY IS IT MEN ARE OFTEN SILENT IN DARK AND DANGEROUS, OR DIFFICULT SITUATIONS?

WHY DO SO MANY MEN FIND IT HARD TO EXPRESS HOW MUCH THEY CARE? WHAT DO THEY LOOK FOR IN WOMEN? WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS, FROM FRIENDSHIPS? WHAT MOTIVATES THEM? WHAT DO THEY WORRY ABOUT? HOW DO THEY SEE THEIR BODIES, THEIR WORLD?

WHAT IS LIFE LIKE FOR THEM AS THEY AGE? WHY DO SO MANY RESORT TO SUICIDE? EVERY DAY WE READ ARTICLES ABOUT MEN - MEN AT HOME, MEN AT WORK, MEN IN BED - BUT STILL THE CONFUSION AND FRUSTRATION BETWEEN THE SEXES REMAIN. CAN WE PUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN DOWN TO THE INFLUENCE OF VENUS AND MARS, OR ARE THERE MORE INTRICATE DYNAMICS AT PLAY? MAGGIE HAMILTON-WHAT MEN WON’T TALK ABOUT

When you think of menhow would you finish this sentence:

“Men are…………….?”

Incompetent Lazy Aggressive Unfeeling Un-necessary Unfit Uncaring Silent Sex mad ?

Men are…!

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and often die with the song still in them.

Henry David Thoreau Philosopher 1817-1862

Men seek close and warm relationships…..but..

Men often do not express emotions because….

Men desire a trusting and honest friend.

Men wish for someone to share things with.

Their story and stories; hopes, dreams, ideas and thoughts.

Factors that contribute to an older mans quality of life.*Independence

*social support and social interaction*Family

*Good or well managed health*Physical mobility and strength

*Life skills including ‘in house skills’*Warm home

*Control over their own lives especially after death of partner when life can feel out of

control*Female companionship

*(Age concern UK. 2006)

Fears in the heart of a man.

Fear of alone-ness.Fear of loveless-ness.Fear of being useless.

RESPONDING EFFECTIVELY TO MEN

Understand the man’s internal

frame of reference

“Problem-solver” may want information to make an informed decision rather than

understanding

Males may not be able to identify /

articulate feelings

Use gender appropriate, non-deficit language

Recognize male preference for “side-

by-side” relationships rather than “face-to-

face”

Understand that anger may be a

defensive response

Exclusive-Breaking News!Men and women think differently and see the world differently too.

Work Home leisure

Family Hobbies /mates etc ?

Someone’s idea of what a woman’s brain looks like

Differences….

A woman will talk out her troubles before she knows what she wants to talk about!

A man will withdraw and internalize his stuff and ‘stew’ in his shed!

A woman will take events ‘out there’ and internalize the blame.

A man will put the blame on to others ‘out there’, especially loved ones, because he struggles to know how to process the internal stuff.

BY STATE/TERRITORY

BY GENDER

BY AGE

BEHAVIOURAL

Finalising affairs

Organising a will

Unexplained cryingWithdrawal

Quitting activities that used to be important

Giving away prized possessions

Over or uncharacteristic use of drugs or alcohol

Lack of interest in future

Uncharacteristic risk taking or

recklessness (eg. driving recklessly)

PHYSICAL SIGNS

Loss of interest in personal hygiene or appearance

Loss of physical energy

Sudden & extreme changes in eating habits; loss or gain

Major changes to sleeping patterns (too much or too little)

Loss of interest in sex

Loss of interest. Full stop.

Increase in minor illnesses

Withdrawing

Talking in ‘ending’ terms…ah well, it won’t be forever; it will not be a problem for much longer….etc

After death of partner

WARNING SIGNS OF SUICIDE

THE END

Thank you!