build trust as you communicate chapter 9 we share communication in 4 ways speaking writing reading...

Build Trust as You Communicate

Chapter 9

We share communication in 4 ways

•Speaking•Writing•Reading•Listening

Listening vs Hearing

•Hearing is automatic

–Your auditory membranes process the sound waves–In the meantime, your brain can be oblivious to the message or meanings being transmitted

Listening vs. Hearing

• Listening is active– You consciously choose

to do– It can not occur without

your effort, your attention, your concentration

– Requires a proactive decision to do so, followed by internal and external behaviors aimed at maximizing the probability of receiving an accurate message

Study (Barker et al 1981) found that

• Students spent 53% of their time in listening activities

• Students spent approximately 14% of their communicating time writing

• 16% reading

• 17%speaking

• Employees of major corporations spend about 60% of their workday listening to others

Most people fail to listen well

•Communication as a two-way street•A reason for poor listening may be memory deficits•Hearing a ten-minute presentation, the average person understands only half what is said•After two days, another one-half is forgotten•Expect to remember ¼ of what you heard two days before

The seven habits of effective people

• “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

• Build rapport by first understanding the other person’s paradigm

• Fill out listening questionnaire on page 212

Effective communication

• Listening requires you have at least one of the four following intentions:– To understand someone– To enjoy someone– To learn something– To give help or solace

Pseudo-listening

• Pretending to listen to make people think you’re interested in them so you will be liked

• Being vigilant to watch for signs of potential rejection

• Listening for one specific bit of information and ignoring everything else

• Focusing on your rebuttal or the next thing you want to say rather than on anything the person is saying

• Pretending to listen so someone will listen to you

Pseudo-listening (cont)

• Listening to uncover someone’s vulnerabilities or weakness in order to take or gain an advantage

• Looking only for the weak points in the speaker’s line of communication for your counterattack

• Checking only to see how the speaker is reacting to make sure you produce the desired effect

• Half-listening because that is what a nice person would do in the same situation

• Feigning listening because you don’t know how to get away without hurting someone's feelings or offending them. Or your willingness to listen falters because the other person is boring you, and you are unsure how to make a graceful exit. (Listening to be polite)

Blocks to effective Listening

•Judging Advising•Mind Reading Rehearsing•Stereotyping Stage-Hogging•Interrupting Filtering•Comparing Dueling•Derailing Daydreaming•Placating Hidden Agendas•Overreacting

•“We have been given two ears but a single mouth, in order that we may hear more and talk less.”

–Zeno of Citium

Active Listening

• Also known as reflective listening– Paraphrasing– Clarifying– Feedback

Empathic Listening

• I sense you are feeling….

• You feel……

• Self-exercise…student’s keep your books closed.

Rewrite from the woman’s pov

Listening with awareness

• Nonverbal behavior

• Double messages

• Paralanguage

• Personal space

Detecting Deception

• Signs of Autonomic Nervous System arousal—swallowing, blinking more

• Body movements– When lying people gesture less, but

often an increase in self-touching such as rubbing, scratching or rubbing

Speech patterns

liars give evasive or indirect answers, overly detailed or complicated explanations or respond with defense tirades

Rules for Effective Non-verbal communication

• Maintain good eye contact

• Use appropriate body language

• Speak clearly, fairly rapidly and modulate your tone

• Use the power of touch appropriately

• Respect other’s personal space

Non-verbal

• Maintain good eye contact

• Lean forward slightly

• Nodding or saying “uh huh” to make speaker know you are listening

• Keeping your arms open

Chapter 10

•How to be a good conversationist

How to be a good conversationist

• Keep your message interesting• Show your sense of humor• Show an interest in the other person• Avoid monopolizing the conversation• Stay focused on the topic at hand• Offer sincere compliments when

appropriate• Refrain from engaging in annoying

mannerisms such as fidgeting or using irritating expressions

Rapport Building

•Propinquity – having frequent contact with a person because you live close by or work nearby at the same workplace

Making a good first impression

• Refrain from discussing controversial topics such as religion or politics.

• Keep personal health problems (I’m really constipated) for your family members

• Jokes are fine, but avoid any that are off-color, could be perceived as prejudicial, or that are very lengthy and involved

• Face the person squarely, lean forward, stand upright and maintain good eye contact

• Keep your arms open, don’t touch your face, and resist shifting your weight between your legs (appears as if you want to get away as soon as possible).

The art of small talk

• Begin with a simple statement. • Introduce yourself (offer

something personal about yourself)

• Select a general interest topic• Keep the conversation moving by

making associations to other subjects by asking questions

• Pay attention to the other person• Make a graceful exit.

Assertiveness

•Being able to stand up for your rights and express your needs and ideas in an appropriate manner•Doing the above without violating the rights of others

Passivity

•Non-assertion•Violating own rights•Permitting others to potentially take advantage of you•Repressing your thoughts, your voice•Expressing your self through apology•Avoiding conflict at any cost.

Aggression

•Directly standing up for your personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings, needs and beliefs in ways which can be dishonest, usually inappropriate or intimidating•Always violates the rights of others•Winning assumed by humiliating others

Passive-Aggressiveness

•Indirect form of aggression•Literally, we get back at someone•You fail to do something you say you would do (even includes the silent treatment)

Assertiveness Skills

• Page 232 Scenarios.

Assertiveness•Benefits

–Maximizes the likelihood of having yours and others’ needs met–Lowers personal level of stress–Helps ward off illness–Increases self-respect–Increases other’s respect for you.

•Consequences of Not Being Assertive•Passive:

–Loss of self-esteem –Increased sense of resentment or anger–Stress level increases–Anxiety and depression increases–Psychosomatic illnesses

•Aggressive–Cost your job, friends, family–High Blood Pressure–Physical fights–Problems with the law–Feelings of being unloved, misunderstood

Why people fail to be assertive

• Fear of loss of approval• Failing to distinguish between

assertive and aggressive• Mistaking non-assertion for politeness• Mistaking passivity for helpfulness• Aggression is usually outgrowth of

feelings of powerlessness• Maladaptive belief that aggression is

justified• Aggression resulting from feelings of

anger or hurt• Failure to accept your personal rights

The Assertiveness Bill of Rights•You have the right to be the ultimate judge of yourself and your behavior.          Your behavior is your space, and you more than others have to live with it.

You have the right to set your own priorities.          Again, your life, your time, your priorities are your space.

You have the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty.          A request is not a requirement.  

You have the right to ask for what you want (knowing that others have the right to refuse).           Asking is not demanding.  You are not invading their space by asking.

You have the right to offer no excuses or reasons to justify your behavior.           You don't have to justify your use of your space, as long as it does not interfere with others

You have the right to get what you pay for.           Others don't have the right to take from you without fair exchange.

You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them and learn from them.           You don't have to make your space look perfect to others.

You have the right to have and express your own feelings and opinions.           Your space.

You have the right to change your mind.           Your space.

You have the right to not assert your rights.          You can decide where, when, and with whom you will set your boundaries.

Assertiveness Framework

•Step 1—The problem behavior•Step 2 –Effects•Step 3—Consequences•Step 4 – Alternatives to the Problem Behavior

Non-verbal Aspects of Assertiveness

• How you say what you say is as important as what you say

• If non-verbal behaviors are incongruent with your message, you may sabotage it

• Demonstrate a demeanor consistent with assertiveness

• Maintain eye contact• Keep arms open• Gesture freely• Tone of voice most important

nonverbal aspect of assertiveness

Communication Styles

• Verbal Behaviors of Assertive People– Direct Statements– Honest Expression of Feelings– Describe objective behaviors– Use “I” statements– Straightforward– Good Listeners– Talk Slowly– Emphasize key words

Communication Styles

• Non-Verbal Behaviors of Assertive People– Action congruent with words– Good eye contact– Firm, calm voice– Assured manner– Gesturing– Leaning forward– Erect posture– Open arms– Face person squarely

Communication Styles

• You demonstrate Yourself as: – Confident– Effective – Respectful– Valued– Relieved

Communication Styles

• Others View you as:– Respected – Valued

Communication Styles

• End results are:– Problem solving skills increased– High self-esteem– Self-respect– Respect of others– Satisfaction– Good relationships– Less stress – Improved Health

Asserting Yourself with Aggressive People

•Use empathic assertions•Communicate feelings of what the person is expressing•Keep your focus•Postpone the discussion until things cool off•Use the broken record technique

Broken Record Technique

• Repeat your request, over and over again

• Calmly continue with your request, even during their protestations.

• Be willing to interrupt

Persuasion

• Involve Timing and Tact– Timing

• Where are your priorities• Not talking too much or too little• More effective to express your opinion

after 1/3 to ½ have already expressed theirs as the group already has a census of how others feel about the situation

• State thoughts clearly• Express yourself as a capable person

Persuasion

• Tact– Use empathic stroke or warm up the

group to your opinion– Genuinely seeing other’s view of the

issue– Use respect

Aspects of the Communicator

• Work to establish knowledge and/or expertise

• Speak rapidly enhances persuasiveness

Aspects of the Message

• Emotional message or appeals tend to be more convincing than dispassionate speeches

• Present both sides of the argument

• Repeat the key points of your position in various ways

Aspects of your audience

• Take into consideration aspects of your audience

• More educated, more knowledgeable groups will respond better than less educated, less-knowledgeable groups

How to Resist Being Manipulated

• You always have a right to say “NO.”

• It is not your job, responsibility, or duty to always please the other people in your life

Sales Tactics

•Low ball technique–Unbelievable low price, until you decide to buy and then all hidden costs appear

•If you would not have agreed to make the purchase if the revised price had been offered initially, walk away form the deal

Scarcity Principle

•“Last Chance” to purchase makes individuals see items as more valuable•Just because an item is scarce or at a low price, it will not necessarily feel, sound, taste, or work any better than if it were more readily available

Door in the Face Technique

•A large request is made for a big donation, followed by a smaller request•You can say no twice.

Foot in the door technique

• Salespeople go out of their way to befriend you, to establish rapport before making a request

• Just because you like someone doesn’t mean you have to comply

Sales Tactics

• That’s not all technique– “But wait, there’s more”

– If you don’t really want or need the main product, nor the extra goodies, then, just say no.

Miscellaneous Compliance

• Do not feel guilty if you can avoid being exploited

• Do not be afraid to question authority

• Modeling is good, however, if you sense that what is being modeled is somehow phony or a false set-up to elicit your compliance, that’s your cue to take a strong stand and say no.