brutish newt november 2011
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The Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish Newt
Under New ManagementUnder New ManagementUnder New ManagementUnder New Management
Sponsored by
The Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish Newt
Under New ManagementUnder New ManagementUnder New ManagementUnder New Management
BC Management Team
Goldman Sachs
November 2011Issue number 69
The Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish NewtThe Brutish Newt
November 2011 Issue number 69
Editorial
This is the final edition of the Brutish Newt. Readers
may be surprised to hear that the first edition was
produced in June 1993 using wooden blocks, a
series of fine chisels and an ink pad. The content of
the first edition, which was little more than a
broadsheet, reflected the era and lampooned the
library (that's a place where books* are kept) which was then a central
function of the British Council. Since then, of course, it has all been
downhill, though how much this can be blamed on the Brutish Newt is
debatable. Or perhaps not: there are two sides to every argument, unless, of
course, you are arguing with management, in which case there is only one
side - theirs.
Perusing old issues will probably bring a chuckle to those who are, by now,
quite long in the tooth and reaching a comfortable level of grumpiness, and
will, no doubt, simply be perplexing or slightly annoying for those who were
not then in harness at the Brutish Conchshell. Who were Cap'n Bob, Mr
Fitzfrantic and J. Shifty Esq? Why was Patrick always lost on the road to (or
was it from?) Santa Tirso and why did the Contessa get her knickers in a
twist over tight trousers? What were the Haggling Hags haggling over, why
was Mark's Howard always larger than life and what happened to Mr Twig
while riding on a bus? For the insanely curious, and for the grumpy old
men and women who still clutter up the place, there is an archived
publication of backdated copies of 'The Newt' in which many answers to
these and other questions of vital interest can be found. The archive can be
found here (http://issuu.com/fitch/docs/brutish_newt_archive). At the
point of writing this is far from complete as there are many gaps in the
official collection of Brutish Newts, and all of the earlier ones have yet to be
digitalised. If anyone has old copies propping up tables or stuffed into
drafty bathroom windows then now is the time to let us know so we can
make the collection as complete as possible.
Meanwhile that's it. Enjoy this edition for you won't be seeing another.
Galbraith V. Winterbottom
Editor
*See page 312
The Editor
Troika
Targets
Brutish
Conchshell The four member Troika team (which
means 'little donkey' in Armenian) hit
out at the Brutish Conchshell (BC) in
a surprise move last night, claiming
that the way that the BC
conducted business was
indicative of the plight of the
whole country. The five
strong team known as the
Troika (which, in Slovenian,
means 'sugary biscuit')
claimed that one example of
poor financial management was
indicated by the selfish insistence of
most staff to maintain a rigid pay
freeze over years, in spite of inflation
suggesting otherwise. This kind of
attitude, said the team of six known
as the Troika (which is Thai for
'slovenly table manners') showed a
contempt for the needs of senior
managers whose opulent lifestyle was
being threatened by the insistence of
workers in maintaining their pay
freeze in the face of repeated requests
that pay be cut by up to 30% per year
for a period of four years. "Only in
this way," said management
representative 'Tricky' Dicky
Mephistopheles III to the Troika team
of seven "can the yacht in the marina
be maintained and the Bell helicopter
waxed on a daily basis."
The group of eight known collectively
as the Troika (which is Wu Chinese for
'undercooked rice dumpling') have set
out demands which will
effectively reduce staff pay
by around 85% 'in one
swoop'. After listening to
requests from staff that the
so-called subsídios of
summer and Christmas be
left intact, the Troika - a
gang of twenty robust individuals
known for their intolerance to
sunlight - decided to remove monthly
salaries entirely, leaving only the two
subsídios, a move which management
has welcomed 'as a first stage' while
hinting that further cuts were
necessary if the landing strip at the
Bahamas HQ of BC was to be
extended to cope with the new
generation of jets.
The Look Serious Committee (LSC), a
body representing staff interests and
which is part-funded by
Goldman Sachs, said it
accepted the Troika's
decision 'with some reservations' but
nevertheless looked forward to helping
management to further trim the
budget over the next few months.
Needs constant waxing
New Travel PolicyManagement have asked tha
of the new travel policy as soon as possible. It takes
effect immediately, though some items are being applied
retrogressively (
• All travel within a
not to wear shoes as
Exceptions to this are made as follows:
third month, who may ask for a crossbar on Peter's
bike;
items weighing more than 50 kgs
may use a skateboard;
employed in the Executive Pay
Bands who may continue to use the chauffeur driven
limo on the understanding that they provide their own ferrero rocher
• Travel between cities must be made by second class donkey and must
be carri
Overnight accommodation (when
in wayside huts provided for this purpose by
Society of St Vincent de Paul. Fleas and hair
are provided free of charge
by management, though
they must be left beh
not eaten as sustenance nor b) traded as a
commodity.
• Travel between countries is not permitted as
this is considered to be a dangerous widening of horizons and
therefore detrimental to the mental health of
serfs staff alike. This rule does not apply to senior managers who
wish to travel first class to exotic destinations.
Staff should be aware that the first item mentioned above (travelling on foot)
is being applied retrogressively
Staff will be billed to repay any money the
for travel undertaken under the old scheme
2006 (with compound interest
20% pa.) Cash only is accepted
Policy Management have asked that staff should be made aware
the new travel policy as soon as possible. It takes
effect immediately, though some items are being applied
retrogressively (see below)
city should be undertaken on foot (staff are
s as wear and tear on shoes cannot be claimed for
Exceptions to this are made as follows: a) pregnant women after the
third month, who may ask for a crossbar on Peter's
bike; b) staff carrying work-related
items weighing more than 50 kgs
may use a skateboard; c) staff
employed in the Executive Pay
Bands who may continue to use the chauffeur driven
on the understanding that they provide their own ferrero rocher
Travel between cities must be made by second class donkey and must
be carried out between sunrise and sunset.
Overnight accommodation (when necessary
in wayside huts provided for this purpose by
Society of St Vincent de Paul. Fleas and hair
are provided free of charge
by management, though
they must be left behind on departure and a)
not eaten as sustenance nor b) traded as a
Travel between countries is not permitted as
this is considered to be a dangerous widening of horizons and
therefore detrimental to the mental health of policy managers
This rule does not apply to senior managers who
wish to travel first class to exotic destinations.
Staff should be aware that the first item mentioned above (travelling on foot)
is being applied retrogressively to the past five years.
Staff will be billed to repay any money they received
for travel undertaken under the old scheme since
interest at a special low rate
is accepted.
t staff should be made aware
the new travel policy as soon as possible. It takes
effect immediately, though some items are being applied
(staff are advised
cannot be claimed for.)
pregnant women after the
third month, who may ask for a crossbar on Peter's
on the understanding that they provide their own ferrero rocher
Travel between cities must be made by second class donkey and must
ed out between sunrise and sunset.
necessary) will be
in wayside huts provided for this purpose by the
Society of St Vincent de Paul. Fleas and hair-lice
this is considered to be a dangerous widening of horizons and
policy managers and
This rule does not apply to senior managers who may
Staff should be aware that the first item mentioned above (travelling on foot)
Policies and Procedures There has been some
confusion recently
about the importance
of adhering to
company policies and
procedures. 'Tricky'
Dicky
Mephistopheles III,
on behalf of the
management team,
wishes to emphasise
the importance of
adhering strictly to
the letter of each and
every policy process
and procedure
without deviation.
There have been
instances recently
brought to
management's notice
that some processes
have been overridden
by members of staff
applying an
outmoded practice
called 'common
sense' and
management want
to make it
abundantly clear
that 'common sense'
is strictly forbidden
on the premises or in
any situation where
staff are carrying out
their duties and that
displays of wanton
'common sense' can
and will be punished
by instant dismissal.
This rule applies to
all processes, policies
and procedures,
whether this be
(examples) the travel
policy, the anti-
clockwise coffee
stirring procedure, or
the process for
removing small
children from
computer CD drive
units.
All staff should also
be aware that
policies and
procedures have
now replaced
content in most
aspects of our work.
As from November
1st, all work
outcomes mentioned
in job plans should
reflect only the
maintenance of
processes and
procedures and at no
time should include
any reference to
content or product.
A Message from the LSC The Look Serious Committee (LSC), in its "continuing efforts to be as open and transparent
as possible", according to LSC Tsar Aloysius Niggle, wishes to inform all staff that the next
round of voting will be to insure that the previous round of voting had been done
properly. After that there will be another vote ensuring that everyone in fact understood
what the last vote was all about. That, of course, will require a following vote to ensure
that the first vote, whenever that was, had been conducted in a fair and open manner.
There will then be a December vote on whether in fact we should continuing voting. The
regulations on voting procedures are clearly displayed in the men's toilet of the public
library in Brno, Czech Republic (closed for renovations).
Don't forget to visit the Brutish Newt Archive
http://issuu.com/fitch/docs/brutish_newt_archive
DELTA Training Options Teaching staff will be aware that as
from January 1st 2012 all teachers
must have either obtained DELTA or
be actively engaged in obtaining one.
This is now a minimum requirement.
The importance of DELTA was
recently explained in a notice attached
to the church door of St James' by
Untergruppenführer Karelia Papież,
stating that 'uniformity is the key to
effective teaching and we are keen to
see that our teaching methods reflect
our attitude to processes and
procedures viz the concentration on
method as opposed to result.' The
Brutish Newt caught up with
Papież in an underground bunker
next to the newly opened BC firing
range where she further explained
that not everything about DELTA was
to her liking. 'For example,' she said
'while DELTA insists that there are
two tenses in English, past and
present, I would dispute that.' She
went on the explain that, in her view,
there should only be one tense, the
present because 'to think about the
past might be to conjure up a time
when things were better. We don't
want that.' Just as the future tense
had been abolished 'to stop people
looking forward to anything and to try
to eliminate feeble attempts at hope'
so it was now important to
concentrate entirely on the present 'as
being the only time that matters.'
Papież is looks
forward to a
time when the
only pronoun
that exists is 'I'
because this,
she says 'would
be a true
reflection of our
times'.
Staff who do not have the DELTA, or
are not signed up for detention in a
DELTA training camp on January 1st
2012, will be able to choose between
the garrotte and the guillotine.
Photo Quiz
Complete the
caption and send
to Brutish Newt
Editorial Offices,
PO Box 210,
Damascus, Syria
for an amazing
prize.
Human beings not eligible to enter. Please note that prizes may be harmful to sentient beings and oxygen reliant organisms
Course books Teachers will be aware that the
blandness content of many course
books has been steadily decreasing
over the years, with occasional
reports of interesting snippets
appearing on some pages. Until
recently management have felt
powerless to do much about this
besides complaining to the
publishers about
'unsuitable' content.
Now, however,
technology comes to the
rescue again, and
management have
invested in a pair of scissors. This
technologically advanced tool
consists of two cutting blades
which can be manipulated by
means of a cunning hinge and
finger recesses, thus allowing
paper, for
example, to be
sliced through
quickly and
accurately. All
teachers will
receive training in
the use of
scissors and will
be directed to cut all 'interesting'
or otherwise offensive material
from course books just as soon as
they have been sufficiently trained.
An average course is expected to
last up to six weeks, of up to four
hours training a week, on
Sundays. Cost of the course, to be
done by all staff in their own time
and at their own expense, will be
in the region of €500 per person.
From the ArchivesFrom the ArchivesFrom the ArchivesFrom the Archives Can you name the people and the events?Can you name the people and the events?Can you name the people and the events?Can you name the people and the events?
Unbelievable lack of prizes for Unbelievable lack of prizes for Unbelievable lack of prizes for Unbelievable lack of prizes for
winning entrywinning entrywinning entrywinning entry
KDU - A Warning to All A teacher (who will remain nameless)
has been sentenced to two weekends
in the public stocks in Rua no Brainer
for 'contravening the rules on
day to page synchronicity',
according to Ms C. Whiplash,
the head of the Porto BC Box
Ticking Section. Paul Least,
who cannot be named because
of subsection rules governing
minor offenders and people in
loud shirts (Vol III Sec 4), said before
his first session in the stocks that at
19.32 on Wednesday 25th November,
he had been on page 73, exercise 4 of
the course book 'Drilling for the Sake
of It' instead of on page 75, exercise 1
during his Knowledge Divulgence Unit
(KDU) (formerly 'lesson') with a young
learners class. This, he claimed, was
because some of his students seemed
to have some difficulty with one of the
earlier passages and he didn't want to
'move on until he was sure they were
ready'. Mr Least, who will remain
anonymous, admits that this was a
serious error of judgement. "I thought
for a while I was a real teacher," he
said. "I forgot myself."
Ms Whiplash commented that the
punishment was relatively
lenient due to Mr Least's poor
taste in shirts but pointed out
that "we at the Brutish
Conchshell are adamant that
the proper standards of
mediocrity are maintained" and
also insisted that Mr Least,
whose identity must be protected,
"has to learn that the purpose of
KDUs is to maintain a strict
synchronicity between all Units at all
levels to satisfy corporate demands
while making as much money as
possible." She pointed out that the
defendant, who cannot be named, had
previously appeared before the
Disciplinary Board for joking without
a licence.
Local Senior Executive, Mr
'Shameless' Shorn, was not available
for comment.
Ir-rasher-nal Behaviour? Once dubbed Thane of Barnes in a touching riverside ceremony, Flitch O'Bacon - who was once
employed as Sub-Assistant Junior Lever Flicker of Abbey Road Studio 3 - recently left the
Brutish Conchshell with an enormous sigh of relief.
"To be honest," he said "I didn't leave the Conchshell. It would be fairer to say that it left me."
Swaying gently while clutching a half empty bottle of Alentejo red, O'Bacon could be heard
muttering between gritted teeth '….it's mine….. all mine…..' though whether he was talking
about the bottle of wine, or the handsome machine embroidered tea-towel he had just been
presented with as a leaving gift by grateful management, the Brutish Newt cannot say.
O'Bacon explained, in a rambling speech that rivalled in length, if not in substance, that of Fidel
Castro at his best, that if he tried to join the Brutish Conchshell at the present time he would
never be accepted because of his "lack of qualifications and relevant experience". He went on to
explain that this meant that he didn't have "a so-called f******* management degree which a****-
licked Milt*n Fri**man and that c**p" and further explained that he had little or no experience of
being an utter w**k*r. O'Bacon later fell off the table and lay on the floor where he could be
heard snoring.
MBAs for All Just as teachers are being required
to obtain a
DELTA, all
non-teaching
staff will be
required to
qualify as an
MBA. They
are being
given until
April 2013 to
comply.
Senior
Manager,
'Shameless' Shorn, claims that it is
'outrageous' in this day and age
that there are some people on the
staff who don't speak Managerese
and Gobbledegook fluently and
that across-the-board MBAs were a
way to stamp out the curse of
coherent speech. "We still notice
two way communication going on
between some staff and customers
and, frankly, this has to stop." He
is concerned that some customers
are going away satisfied, with their
demands met. That, he claims, is
not the way to keep up customer
demand and that only dissatisfied
customers were likely to return 'as
any qualified MBA will know'.
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Don't forget to visit the Brutish Newt Archive
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Christmas partyThe staff Christmas party this year is to be held in
conjunction with Intentional Harm (IH) Braga in an
effort to save costs and 'to display comradely feelings
at this season'.
Brutish Newt
Conchshell are, in fact, employed by IH which is itself owned by
Goldman Sachs. "That explains some recent management
decisions, perhaps," he said ruefully "and we thought we might as well be
open about it."
The joint Christmas party is to be hel
Brainer, between 18.00 and 18.30 on December 4th,
where management are providing a sumptuous
display of crisps and no less than
colours of olives, along with a traditional
bottle of SuperBock plus as many straws as staff
attending. Please note that Art's Kafe is closed on
Sundays.
Signing in Many staff have expressed excitement
at the prospect of the new airport type
scanners and ID facilities that will be
operation from January. As part of
the new compliance with local laws,
all staff will be required to have an ID
chip implanted in the left buttock and
to pass through full body scanners on
arrival and departure at the offices in
no Brainer and Fodge. The Brutish
Newt has also learned that as many
as one in five staff passing through
the enhanced security system will be
personally body-searched by trained
staff from CorpoCheck, whose motto
is 'Leave no Orifice Unchecked'.
Christmas party The staff Christmas party this year is to be held in
conjunction with Intentional Harm (IH) Braga in an
effort to save costs and 'to display comradely feelings
at this season'. Shameless Shorn admitted to the
Brutish Newt that all senior staff at the Bru
Conchshell are, in fact, employed by IH which is itself owned by
Goldman Sachs. "That explains some recent management
decisions, perhaps," he said ruefully "and we thought we might as well be
The joint Christmas party is to be held at Art's Kafe, Rua no
Brainer, between 18.00 and 18.30 on December 4th,
where management are providing a sumptuous
display of crisps and no less than two
colours of olives, along with a traditional
bottle of SuperBock plus as many straws as staff
that Art's Kafe is closed on
Many staff have expressed excitement
at the prospect of the new airport type
scanners and ID facilities that will be
operation from January. As part of
pliance with local laws,
all staff will be required to have an ID
chip implanted in the left buttock and
to pass through full body scanners on
arrival and departure at the offices in
no Brainer and Fodge. The Brutish
Newt has also learned that as many
one in five staff passing through
the enhanced security system will be
searched by trained
, whose motto
Unchecked'.
Management have made it clear that
staff may only be checked ONCE on
entry and exit and that attempts to
queue up again will be
severely.
The staff Christmas party this year is to be held in
conjunction with Intentional Harm (IH) Braga in an
effort to save costs and 'to display comradely feelings
admitted to the
that all senior staff at the Brutish
Conchshell are, in fact, employed by IH which is itself owned by
decisions, perhaps," he said ruefully "and we thought we might as well be
d at Art's Kafe, Rua no
Brainer, between 18.00 and 18.30 on December 4th,
Management have made it clear that
staff may only be checked ONCE on
exit and that attempts to
queue up again will be dealt with
Cigarettes and AlcoholAll staff are reminded
that it is forbidden BY
LAW to smoke on the
premises. This includes
public areas and offices as
well as the garden, stairs,
fire escape and an area up to
10 metres from the
door of the building.
are further reminded th
the ONLY alcohol allowed on
the premises is that provided
in the appropriate dispensers on
each floor (gin on the lower floors,
vodka on the top floor) and that
staff are allowed a MAXIMUM of
Staff are reminded
that Fire Drills are
carried out regularly
and will always be
carried out at the
most inconvenient
time possible. This is
to prepare staff and
students for readiness
in the most
challenging of
situations. For this
reason all staff will
have a BC fire alarm
fitted at their homes.
On hearing the fire
alarm (which may well
More in the Brutish Newt Archive
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and Alcohol All staff are reminded
that it is forbidden BY
LAW to smoke on the
premises. This includes
public areas and offices as
well as the garden, stairs,
fire escape and an area up to
10 metres from the front
Staff
are further reminded that
the ONLY alcohol allowed on
the premises is that provided
in the appropriate dispensers on
each floor (gin on the lower floors,
vodka on the top floor) and that
staff are allowed a MAXIMUM of
one litre per day per person
EXCEPT for teachers who may
consume up to one and a half
litres per day.
Staff wishing
to drink water
are permitted
to do so but
only if they
bring their
own supply
which must
be consumed discretely and out of
sight of the public and
be at 4 am on a cold,
wet Sunday morning;
in fact, it is most
likely to be) all staff
(except senior
management) will
proceed immediately
to either no Brainer or
Fodge without waiting
to dress etc. The
travel policy is relaxed
for this and taxis
MUST be used,
though at the staff
member's own
expense. Staff will
assemble in the
garden or on the
playing fields (without
umbrellas, please
note, as these are fire
hazard
proceed to
and every
students in turn on
their mobile phones to
check that they are
safe and well. Once
the roster has been
completed staff may
return home for a late
breakfast.
Brutish Newt Archive
http://issuu.com/fitch/docs/brutish_newt_archive
one litre per day per person
EXCEPT for teachers who may
sume up to one and a half
discretely and out of
sight of the public and students.
ssemble in the
garden or on the
playing fields (without
umbrellas, please
note, as these are fire
hazards) and will then
proceed to ring each
and every one of their
students in turn on
their mobile phones to
check that they are
safe and well. Once
the roster has been
completed staff may
return home for a late
breakfast. Fire Drill App Beat the cold and wet
and avoid the four
a.m. turnout for fire
drill. Download this
app now. Beams a
hologram of yourself
to the assembly area
in seconds. As used
by top management
for meetings. Not
GTI compatible.
top related